Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner

by Neil Clark Warren

In 25 years of counseling couples, Dr. Neil Clark Warren discovered that marriages most often fail because people simply choose the wrong person to marry. In this Gold Medallion award-winner, a Christian Booksellers Association bestseller, Dr. Clark shares ten proven principles for finding the perfect mate.

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help, Marriage, Love, Spirituality, Religion

176 pages, Hardcover

First published October 12, 1992

About the author

Neil Clark Warren is an American clinical psychologist, Christian theologian, seminary professor and co-founder of the online relationship sites eHarmony and Compatible Partners.
In 1995, Warren and his son-in-law, Greg Forgatch, created Neil Clark Warren & Associates, a company which offers seminars and teaching tools based on Warren's books. In early 2000, they established eHarmony, an online compatibility matching service which gained two million users in its first three years. After retiring in 2007, Warren came out of retirement in July 2012, returning as the chief executive of eHarmony.

Reviews

[Abby · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best books ever, period. Not so useful if you are already married, though. If you don't like your spouse, it will point out all the reasons you were dumb and shouldn't have married him or her. If you like your spouse, you'll congratulate yourself on being so level headed and smart, even in the passionate throes of young love.

However, if you are still single BUY THIS BOOK BUY THIS BOOK BUY THIS BOOK!! It's not too late for you!!! Brent Barlow, a professor at BYU, assigned me to read this book when I was a single gal. Best assignment ever. I decided to marry my husband after reading this book. I would probably still be a lonely virgin today if it wasn't for this book.

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Was I embarrassed to purchase this book? Yes. Was I embarrassed to pull it out on the subway? Yes. Will I recommend it to all my friends? Yes.

This book was written by the psychologist who started eharmony.com. It's a pretty quick read and is fantastic for anyone thinking of marriage (in both the near and distant future). It is very realistic and has good insights. It also had good tips about making marriage last and ensuring that you are ready for that commitment.

When I was completing a journalism class in college, I did an article on divorce. The two doctors I spoke with from different universities both recommended similar things: premarital counseling and not marrying too young. This book is a great introduction to premarital counseling.

[ZonedOutonBooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recommendation from dear old mum about "finding the love of my life" obviously. I would say it was best for you to read this book without already having a "love of your life" in mind... some may find it beneficial to go against me saying that but I found it very distracting. I can see how some might like to immediately apply everything to their own relationships though. Overall very interesting, given it is not something to read in one sitting - a lot more contemplation involved. A little dated but the message is still clear and data still applies and not overbearingly spiritual, so have at it.

[Luke Gossett · Rating 4 out of 5]

Am I embarrassed to have read this book my mother thrifted for me? Yes. Would I recommend it to my potential future daughter or son? Yes! 100%. eHarmony guy and Christian.

I actually enjoyed this book a lot! Quick and easy packed full of wisdom in practically thinking through dating and potential spouse. In many ways it can reinforce my bad tendency to look for a perfect person (who doesn't exist), but the practical value of his suggestions are worth it. It gives me fresh eyes on what conversations to have early on working towards love and unity.

[Karen Salisbury · Rating 5 out of 5]

Attention singles! Here’s a book you need! It offers 10 principles to help you choose the right person to marry. The author says, “The selection you make of a marriage partner may well have more to do with the quality of your marriage than everything you do after getting married.” This book guides you along that selection process – it’s vitally important information!

[Adam · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think my sister left this in my car while she and my brother-in-law were going through premartial counseling or whatever. I found it and read through it while I was in between buying new books. There was a lot of insight but not much depth to this book. All of his points where just that, a small point which quickly moved on to the next. I thought for all of his wisdom, Warren could have expounded considerably on numerous topics within each chapter. Several times I found myself reading a "this is what you should do" statement but never finding the "and this is how you do it" to back it up. Reading this on your own won't do much more than pique your interest or at the most incite you to find something more to read on the subject. I'm sure, though, that this would be great for couples to read together for a counseling session in which they can come together for a broader discussion -- because that is what this book lacks. A broader discussion.

[Courtney · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a psychotherapist I know who suggested I read it after a bad break-up. I was a good sport and gave it a go even though these types of self-help books I usually find to be very commercialized and not fit for reality.

I think this book actually put A LOT of things about my past relationships in perspective. I thought there were some really good takeaways in the book. As I was reading, I was able to imagine the couples Dr. Warren was talking to. I could see how these things could apply to many of the couples I have observed over my life. I definitely understood his perspective.

Although I understand Dr. Warren’s perspective and can envision the couples to who he is talking, I do not think everything he listed regarding the topics he brought up necessarily applies to me – but, he did mention that some things were out of the scope of this book.

This is one of those books where "what doesn't apply, let it fly" type of deals. In the later chapters of the book (Chapter 4 - 9) I found Dr. Warren to have a doomsday attitude towards those who weren’t brought up in healthy relationships (seems it is almost impossible to become "healthy"), he was very moralistic and had a religious bias (I'm agnostic), he seemed to have a very judgmental attitude towards divorce, and he was kind of old school in that relationships should be one way and traditional.

I made notes of the things that I took away from his perspective that I felt were relevant and I feel like the book helped me think more about what each of the topics presented (i.e., love, companionship, intimacy, conflict, commitment, familial support) mean to me and how they have or should play a role in my relationships with others - it helped me develop my own perspective and improve my self-concept in how I approach these things even where I disagreed with what Dr. Warren was saying.

I think if a reader takes a similar approach, there is much to get out of this....and I think it can be useful for married couples as well.

[Josiah Hasbrouck]

My possession of this book once led to Dr. McFadden mistakenly thinking I sent him a valentine

[Grace Ulibarri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Per usual, Mother Ulibarri has not lead me astray.

This was definitely worth reading. The book is easy to follow but still engaging and comes from a perspective that I find refreshing. The author writes from a Christian perspective but also has a Ph.D in psychology and works as a pre/marriage counselor. He brings a slightly new lens to a topic I hear from one specific view too often. It is somewhat validating to hear “don’t rush into marriage” or “don’t get married too young” for reasons that are honestly just logical. He touches on things I have felt but don’t hear many others expressing.

The principles that stood out the most to me are “develop a high degree of conscious clarity about the person you wish to marry…” and “make sure the person you marry is very similar to you”.

One sort of negative thing I have to say is that I wish it brought a bit more of Scripture into the picture. There wasn’t anything unbiblical mentioned (though he does say you need to love yourself before getting married, but the way it is explained isn’t as bad as it sounds). I am pretty sure this book is written for people in general, not just Christians, so it makes sense that specific Bible verses aren’t a central focus. It’s a book for people who want their future marriage to be healthy and stable, regardless of religious backgrounds.

[Ebookwormy1 · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was disgusted by this book, which was very popular at the time. It was formulaic, psycho-babble, brain junk to me. I just don't think you can reduce love and marriage to a ten step program, and I didn't particularly agree with the value of all the steps. I guess all the subscribers to E-Harmony are hoping i'm wrong, but it just was not working for me.

[Emily · Rating 2 out of 5]

My sister told me this was the best book ever. She's usually right. I think she even talked me into buying a copy. Or she gave it to me...I can't remember. Either way it was possibly the most boring book I have ever read.

And yes, I did meet my husband (love of my life) shortly after reading this book, but I think that was more fate than the effect of this.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Neil Clark Warren is humble, dedicated and insightful. He keeps his religious views in the background of his scientific and experiential views. He advocates for a return of principled reason to the process of choosing a partner. I learned a ton.

[Jonnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book because it was given to me by a family member. Said family member is 61 and happily married in a very rural area.

I'm 44, divorced, and live in a metropolitan area where little to no respect is given to others, so I've given up on dating. I don't think this family member realizes how awful the dating pool is these days and that if I do maintain my standards, I'll likely be alone forever. I've almost reached the point of acceptance that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, and this book only solidified that for me.

Dr. Warren gives phenomenal advice; so good, it made me realize that there really is no one out there for me.

[Gene Z · Rating 4 out of 5]

Elegant, to-the-point advice on what's important to consider in mate selection and why. It's true that the author doesn't get into HOW to go about finding the person once we learn what to look for. I think 1) that would've made this book much longer, and the topic may be best served as a separate book (or perhaps another medium instead of print), and 2) it would've diluted the message of this book. Nonetheless, given the title, it does feel incomplete without addressing actual operational strategy.

[Andie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had no intentions of actually reading this book when I found it in a stack of gifted books. I planned to thumb through it for a good eyeroll. I was quite surprised to find that it is incredibly practical and provides a lot of logic in dating/considering a partner. Better than many other marriage/dating books with a faith-based vein that seem to have no concrete considerations beyond “dying to yourself” and “serving the Kingdom together.” This book challenges you to think about aspects of character and family and daily life with someone else in practical, insightful ways.

[Eric · Rating 4 out of 5]

I believe I read this book in college. So it was interesting to read it ten years later after going through a divorce. It really resonated with me about how important compatibility is to a successful marriage and knowing yourself.

Oh yeah, and waiting until your late 20s, after you figure out who you are, helps with marriage too. That wasn’t emphasized to me growing up.

The author is the founder of eharmony.com

[Isaac · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thought this was a great book to challenge people’s preparation for marriage. I liked how the author gave tips for how he leads counseling sessions. Very helpful resource if you plan on counseling others considering marriage.

[Parker Robb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not quite as practical, straightforward, or concise as “Date … or Soul Mate?”, but still filled to the brim with wisdom for dating. Not sure why some of this content is not included in that later book.

[Tobiasz Niemasik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Książka zawiera naprawdę sporo pomocnych wskazówek dotyczących doboru partnera na całe życie.

[Dave · Rating 3 out of 5]

It worked! Well, I did find the love of my life...but about 15 years later after I read this. So perhaps the connection is tenuous. From memory this wasn't too obnoxious and made some sense.

6/10

[Anelise · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was pretty good! It offered insightful information about finding your true love.

[Brittany]

Read this years and years ago for a college class.

[Esther · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful. Revealing.

[Jordan Pollock · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book that details a lot of healthy things to look into yourself, your potential spouse and the relationship to determine the possibility of a successful marriage.

[Niki Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

On the importance of not being swept away by feelings- not taking away romance, but along with it- making a well informed decision. So good.

[Hope Rozenboom · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not going to lie, I almost didn't put this book on my goodreads shelf, because I'm slightly ashamed to admit that I read it. But here it is.
Written by the founder of eHarmony (which brought two of my best friends together to produce one of the strongest marriages I've ever known), "Finding the Love of Your Life" is better described by its subtitle "Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner." Rather than giving a when, where, or how for FINDING a spouse, Warren outlines some serious considerations to take into account when evaluating whether you should marry a certain person or not. The focus on CHOOSING over FINDING might be somewhat frustrating for those of us who need to FIND some options before we can CHOOSE among them. But there's no how-to for finding a spouse--nor should there be. There are, however, some good principles to follow when considering marriage to whomever one finds.
Some are pretty standard wisdom: know yourself and know what you want out of life before getting married; make sure you're physically attracted to your spouse; at least consider any concerns your family and friends raise about your relationship. Others you may not have considered in the way Warren presents them. For example, Warren's reasoning for abstaining from premarital sex: it clouds your judgment as to whether or not the person your with is actually a good match or a good mate.
There was nothing revolutionary to me in this book, but it was helpful to see these points laid out so clearly from the perspective of psychology.

[CrystalIsReading on StoryGraph · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book extremely helpful for myself, when I read it in high school. it helped me to clarify what I was looking for in a mate, and how to set priorities and act on them. Then I shared the book with a friend who was in a relationship she questioned. after reading the book, which she also really enjoyed, she broke up with her boyfriend, and about a year or two later, met the man she is happily married to today. I have given this book as a gift to several single friends, and I heartily recommend it to anyone who is seeking some clarity in their search for the "love of your life". it is a Christian book, so you need to expect some Christian perspective, but I think even non-Christians would gain from the book, as most of the principles and recommendations are not dependent on the author's religious beliefs, but on his experience as a counselor/ psychologist who for many years worked with dating and married couples. Check it out, and pass it on to single friends. it is definitely worth the read!

[Pomi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book as required reading for anyone considering a serious relationship with their significant other. It opened my eyes to very important parts of relationships and made me think about points I did not consider before. The book was easy to digest and filled with great anecdotes. The author clearly shows his experience through his stories and advice. It is written from a Christian viewpoint, but most of this is objectively good information concerning relationships. This is practical, immediately useful information and I am glad that I own a copy of this book.

[Teressa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me. I read it because I have two sons in their early twenties and I thought it might help me talk to them about finding the right person to marry. I think most of the ideas in the book were sound. It is a logical way to look for a mate instead of just keep dating until you find someone. I don't think everything it said was right on the mark, but it did have some good ideas for people that want to get married.

[Alison · Rating 4 out of 5]

This author is the founder of e harmony.com. I saw him on Oprah ten years ago and he is right on with his advise!!!!
Anyone who is looking to get married should read it!
Anyone who is married will see why they struggle with their mate. No one is perfect, but this book will help minimize conflict areas in a marriage by selecting compatable traits.
I keep this book in my library because I feel it is revolutionary and everyone should read it.