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To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma
A clinical psychologist’s exploration of the modern dilemmas women face in the wake of new motherhood.
When Molly Millwood became a mother, she was fully prepared for what she would gain: an adorable baby boy; hard-won mothering skills; and a messy, chaotic, beautiful life. But what she did not expect was what she would lose: aspects of her identity, a baseline level of happiness, a general sense of wellbeing. And though she had the benefit of a supportive husband during this transition, she also at times resented the fact that the disruption to his life seemed to pale in comparison to hers.
As a clinical psychologist, Molly knew her experience was a normal response to a life-changing event. But without the advantage of such a perspective, many of the patients she treated in her private practice grappled with self-doubt, guilt, and fear, and suffered the dual pain of not only the struggle to adjust but also the overwhelming shame for struggling at all.
In To Have and to Hold, Molly explores the complex terrain of new motherhood, illuminating the ways it affects women psychologically, emotionally, physically, and professionally—as well as how it impacts their partnership. Along with the arrival of a bundle of joy come thorny issues such as self-worth, control, autonomy, and dependency. And for most new mothers, these issues are experienced within the context of an intimate relationship, adding another layer of tension, conflict, and confusion to an already challenging time.
As Molly examines the inextricable link between women’s well-being as new mothers and the well-being of their relationships, she offers guidance to help readers reclaim their identities, overcome their guilt and shame, and repair their relationships. A blend of personal narrative, scientific research, and stories from Molly’s clinical practice, To Have and to Hold provides a much-needed lifeline to new mothers everywhere.
When Molly Millwood became a mother, she was fully prepared for what she would gain: an adorable baby boy; hard-won mothering skills; and a messy, chaotic, beautiful life. But what she did not expect was what she would lose: aspects of her identity, a baseline level of happiness, a general sense of wellbeing. And though she had the benefit of a supportive husband during this transition, she also at times resented the fact that the disruption to his life seemed to pale in comparison to hers.
As a clinical psychologist, Molly knew her experience was a normal response to a life-changing event. But without the advantage of such a perspective, many of the patients she treated in her private practice grappled with self-doubt, guilt, and fear, and suffered the dual pain of not only the struggle to adjust but also the overwhelming shame for struggling at all.
In To Have and to Hold, Molly explores the complex terrain of new motherhood, illuminating the ways it affects women psychologically, emotionally, physically, and professionally—as well as how it impacts their partnership. Along with the arrival of a bundle of joy come thorny issues such as self-worth, control, autonomy, and dependency. And for most new mothers, these issues are experienced within the context of an intimate relationship, adding another layer of tension, conflict, and confusion to an already challenging time.
As Molly examines the inextricable link between women’s well-being as new mothers and the well-being of their relationships, she offers guidance to help readers reclaim their identities, overcome their guilt and shame, and repair their relationships. A blend of personal narrative, scientific research, and stories from Molly’s clinical practice, To Have and to Hold provides a much-needed lifeline to new mothers everywhere.
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First published March 26, 2019
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 466 reviews
June 4, 2020
I started this book while pregnant and had to put it down. I knew parenthood would be challenging, but this book made me feel like having a child would ruin my marriage, my sense of self, my life. Then, a few weeks after A was born, I had the desire to pick it up again. Something told me I would relate to it differently now that I had a baby. I was right. Now that she’s here, I can see how everything in the book about how challenging parenting is is true, and that’s okay. It can be hard and wonderful at the same time, and I didn’t know that before. “And, not but” (222).
July 14, 2020
As a non-parent, this book terrified me (in a way all pre-parents need to be terrified) and forced me to consider things I hadn’t before.
That being said, I almost quit reading due to her chapter on labor. She discusses how many clients she sees who feel guilty about their birth experience, which would likely happen less if people like her didn’t assert that unmedicated, vaginal births are the best way to have a child.
One more time for the people in the back: there is no “right” way to bring a child into this world and we need to stop telling mothers what is best for their bodies and their babies.
That being said, I almost quit reading due to her chapter on labor. She discusses how many clients she sees who feel guilty about their birth experience, which would likely happen less if people like her didn’t assert that unmedicated, vaginal births are the best way to have a child.
One more time for the people in the back: there is no “right” way to bring a child into this world and we need to stop telling mothers what is best for their bodies and their babies.
October 6, 2019
The complex truths of motherhood will continue to make everyone uncomfortable and ashamed until they're articulated readily and repeatedly. (220)
I am not the target audience for this book, but I am so thrilled that this book exists. I've had so many fears about motherhood validated, and more importantly, I've learned how to reframe my understanding of friends who are mothers and how to best respond to their needs and feelings about this transformation of their lives.
I enjoyed how conversational Millwood's book feels, like you're not being lectured at but actually seen, that your feelings are valid and your fears are taken seriously. Millwood covers a range of important topics, such as the loss of self, the isolating state of modern American motherhood, the very real stress that children bring to a marriage, and how to move forward with your new life. Millwood works to correct her "dismay at how many books there are about pregnancy and childbirth and how few books there are about the complete metamorphosis we undergo once we become parents." (86)
Much like All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership, I couldn't bookmark the whole book, so here are my top passages that I want to remember:
On the importance of paternity leave: "It might cost the family more money if Dad takes parental leave, but that might be income extremely well 'spent' if it is viewed as a kind of insurance policy against developing gendered power imbalances in the relationship, and the marital dissatisfaction that comes with them." (99)
On "as long as it's healthy...:" "...we need to give women both the permission and the resources required to attend to their bodies, their minds, and their hearts in order to recover from difficult births. 'Permission' means allowing women to be distressed about their distressing birth experiences. It means we stop telling ourselves and one another that the outcome--a healthy baby--somehow negates or justifies the scary, disempowering, or otherwise upsetting birth experience that culminated in that healthy baby. It means we stop assuming that a woman who is fixated on her upsetting birth story must have postpartum depression and should probably take medication. It means partners, husbands, parents, in-laws, nurses, midwives, lactation consultants, coworkers, and friends stop encouraging new mothers to move on from whatever disappointments they have about their birth story, and start encouraging them instead to tell that story as many times as they need to, to as many pairs of supportive ears as they can find." (89-90)
On "bouncing back": "Author Hillary Brenhouse writes,
In the [United] States, a woman is looked after, by herself and by others, only so long as her body is a receptacle for the baby. Attention then transfers to the needs of the infant. To ask for respite to betray not only weakness and helplessness, but selfishness. You should be prepared for the emotional and physical demands of your new motherly role and you should like them, too.
The message being sent to new mothers within this unforgiving postpartum culture is, essentially, 'You should be able to handle this yourself and bounce back quickly.' When women struggle on either or both fronts--when they find themselves in need of support and/or they find it's taking them quite a long time to 'bounce back'--they figure something must be wrong with them." (92-93)
On spousal relationships: "I have to wonder: Why am I not also hearing stories of husbands who say, 'I don't want my wife to have to get up with the baby at night when she already has such long days of taking care of him with no help--I can at least help ensure that she faces her next day of mothering with a good night's rest'? ...Many new mothers describe feeling that they couldn't handle the demands of parenting without their husbands' instrumental and emotional support, and because of this, they prioritize their husbands' needs and forgo their own. They seem to be saying to themselves, I need my husband more than ever, so I will tiptoe around and be as careful as possible not to place any additional pressure on him. I need him to be healthy and available. .. Women should not feel they must walk on eggshells in order to ensure their husbands' continued support. They should not feel they must preserve and protect their husbands' well-being at the cost of their own." (122)
On sex after childbirth: "As exhausted mothers, we often resent our husbands for having any interest in sex because it's just one more piece of evidence that they have energy we do not have. Their requests for sex show that they obviously have no clue exactly how drained we are or exactly how uncomfortable and unsexy we feel in our post-childbirth bodies. ...our husbands become just one more person placing demands on us, and particularly demands on our bodies… In other words, their interest in sex is proof that they aren't with us, don't get us, and don't see where we are, and possibly that they're selfishly pursuing gratification of their own needs. ...But the irony is that sometimes, their sexual overtures may well be their way of saying, I'm right here. I see you and I want to be with you. I'm reaching for you." (151-152)
On changing relationship dynamics: "Generally, a new mother is primarily concerned with getting adequate support in caring for the new baby, and a new father is primarily concerned--though perhaps less consciously--with the fear that he has been usurped by the baby. Indeed, the feeling new fathers often have in relation to their wives is one of being irrelevant, or at least less relevant than they used to be, and this is typically a very painful feeling to bear." (169)
On having children: "It has occurred to me that the decision to have children is not so unlike the decision to invite perfect strangers to come live you. Forever. The hope is that everyone likes each other, but the reality is that they could be as different from you, and one another, as possible, and they could have many annoying qualities, and everyone might get along poorly. And even if none of this rings true for your family right now, it could have been true in the past, or it may be true at some point in the future, because like us, our children are ever-changing. Sometimes they are barely recognizable as the same children we had last month or last year." (216)
On relationship stress: "...many scholars argue that remaining open to the ever-unfolding mystery of who our partners are is a key aspect of keeping love alive. We do not need to know every nook and cranny of our mate's psyche or personality, nor do those nooks and crannies need to stay exactly the same across time. We only need to know the answer to that million-dollar question: Are you there for me? And it is when we can't get an affirmative answer--when the strain of parenting and careers and domestic obligations and the endless logistics of life impeded our ability to show up for each other and tune into each other--that we suffer.
In the early years of parenthood, that suffering is far more common than most of us realize. It is not reserved for the clinically depressed new mother whose postpartum mood disorder is impacting her marriage. It is the emotional backdrop of a great many mothers, the same ones who are beaming with maternal joy or good-humoredly exposing their domestic disorder in the photos they post on Instagram. It is the unspoken struggle of a great many couples, the same ones who look so happy and in love in their profile pictures that they can't possibly have the kinds of explosive fights we have with our spouses, and they can't possibly have cried quietly into their pillows the night before, their backs turned to each other, wondering when their closest ally started to feel so far away." (235)
Related reading
Finding Your Inner Mama: Women Reflect on the Challenges and Rewards of Motherhood
The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women
Couples, Gender, and Power: Creating Change in Intimate Relationships
When Partners Become Parents: The Big Life Change for Couples
I am not the target audience for this book, but I am so thrilled that this book exists. I've had so many fears about motherhood validated, and more importantly, I've learned how to reframe my understanding of friends who are mothers and how to best respond to their needs and feelings about this transformation of their lives.
I enjoyed how conversational Millwood's book feels, like you're not being lectured at but actually seen, that your feelings are valid and your fears are taken seriously. Millwood covers a range of important topics, such as the loss of self, the isolating state of modern American motherhood, the very real stress that children bring to a marriage, and how to move forward with your new life. Millwood works to correct her "dismay at how many books there are about pregnancy and childbirth and how few books there are about the complete metamorphosis we undergo once we become parents." (86)
Much like All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership, I couldn't bookmark the whole book, so here are my top passages that I want to remember:
On the importance of paternity leave: "It might cost the family more money if Dad takes parental leave, but that might be income extremely well 'spent' if it is viewed as a kind of insurance policy against developing gendered power imbalances in the relationship, and the marital dissatisfaction that comes with them." (99)
On "as long as it's healthy...:" "...we need to give women both the permission and the resources required to attend to their bodies, their minds, and their hearts in order to recover from difficult births. 'Permission' means allowing women to be distressed about their distressing birth experiences. It means we stop telling ourselves and one another that the outcome--a healthy baby--somehow negates or justifies the scary, disempowering, or otherwise upsetting birth experience that culminated in that healthy baby. It means we stop assuming that a woman who is fixated on her upsetting birth story must have postpartum depression and should probably take medication. It means partners, husbands, parents, in-laws, nurses, midwives, lactation consultants, coworkers, and friends stop encouraging new mothers to move on from whatever disappointments they have about their birth story, and start encouraging them instead to tell that story as many times as they need to, to as many pairs of supportive ears as they can find." (89-90)
On "bouncing back": "Author Hillary Brenhouse writes,
In the [United] States, a woman is looked after, by herself and by others, only so long as her body is a receptacle for the baby. Attention then transfers to the needs of the infant. To ask for respite to betray not only weakness and helplessness, but selfishness. You should be prepared for the emotional and physical demands of your new motherly role and you should like them, too.
The message being sent to new mothers within this unforgiving postpartum culture is, essentially, 'You should be able to handle this yourself and bounce back quickly.' When women struggle on either or both fronts--when they find themselves in need of support and/or they find it's taking them quite a long time to 'bounce back'--they figure something must be wrong with them." (92-93)
On spousal relationships: "I have to wonder: Why am I not also hearing stories of husbands who say, 'I don't want my wife to have to get up with the baby at night when she already has such long days of taking care of him with no help--I can at least help ensure that she faces her next day of mothering with a good night's rest'? ...Many new mothers describe feeling that they couldn't handle the demands of parenting without their husbands' instrumental and emotional support, and because of this, they prioritize their husbands' needs and forgo their own. They seem to be saying to themselves, I need my husband more than ever, so I will tiptoe around and be as careful as possible not to place any additional pressure on him. I need him to be healthy and available. .. Women should not feel they must walk on eggshells in order to ensure their husbands' continued support. They should not feel they must preserve and protect their husbands' well-being at the cost of their own." (122)
On sex after childbirth: "As exhausted mothers, we often resent our husbands for having any interest in sex because it's just one more piece of evidence that they have energy we do not have. Their requests for sex show that they obviously have no clue exactly how drained we are or exactly how uncomfortable and unsexy we feel in our post-childbirth bodies. ...our husbands become just one more person placing demands on us, and particularly demands on our bodies… In other words, their interest in sex is proof that they aren't with us, don't get us, and don't see where we are, and possibly that they're selfishly pursuing gratification of their own needs. ...But the irony is that sometimes, their sexual overtures may well be their way of saying, I'm right here. I see you and I want to be with you. I'm reaching for you." (151-152)
On changing relationship dynamics: "Generally, a new mother is primarily concerned with getting adequate support in caring for the new baby, and a new father is primarily concerned--though perhaps less consciously--with the fear that he has been usurped by the baby. Indeed, the feeling new fathers often have in relation to their wives is one of being irrelevant, or at least less relevant than they used to be, and this is typically a very painful feeling to bear." (169)
On having children: "It has occurred to me that the decision to have children is not so unlike the decision to invite perfect strangers to come live you. Forever. The hope is that everyone likes each other, but the reality is that they could be as different from you, and one another, as possible, and they could have many annoying qualities, and everyone might get along poorly. And even if none of this rings true for your family right now, it could have been true in the past, or it may be true at some point in the future, because like us, our children are ever-changing. Sometimes they are barely recognizable as the same children we had last month or last year." (216)
On relationship stress: "...many scholars argue that remaining open to the ever-unfolding mystery of who our partners are is a key aspect of keeping love alive. We do not need to know every nook and cranny of our mate's psyche or personality, nor do those nooks and crannies need to stay exactly the same across time. We only need to know the answer to that million-dollar question: Are you there for me? And it is when we can't get an affirmative answer--when the strain of parenting and careers and domestic obligations and the endless logistics of life impeded our ability to show up for each other and tune into each other--that we suffer.
In the early years of parenthood, that suffering is far more common than most of us realize. It is not reserved for the clinically depressed new mother whose postpartum mood disorder is impacting her marriage. It is the emotional backdrop of a great many mothers, the same ones who are beaming with maternal joy or good-humoredly exposing their domestic disorder in the photos they post on Instagram. It is the unspoken struggle of a great many couples, the same ones who look so happy and in love in their profile pictures that they can't possibly have the kinds of explosive fights we have with our spouses, and they can't possibly have cried quietly into their pillows the night before, their backs turned to each other, wondering when their closest ally started to feel so far away." (235)
Related reading
Finding Your Inner Mama: Women Reflect on the Challenges and Rewards of Motherhood
The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women
Couples, Gender, and Power: Creating Change in Intimate Relationships
When Partners Become Parents: The Big Life Change for Couples
November 22, 2022
For a book that's supposed to focus on "modern dilemma", the author certainly perpetuated a ton of gender stereotypes. I can't help but feel the author projected a lot of her personal experience onto her clients as well as women in general. I guess I was hoping to be enlightened, that did not happen. The book is also tediously repetitive. Among the cases used by the author, honestly, all the women are over-invested / guilt-ridden / spend-more-time-at-home / wealthy-enough-to-see-therapist mothers, and all the men are career-driven, working long-hours, loving, and "helping out" their wives with childcare, but-def-not-getting-up-in-the-middle-of-night-to-feed-the-baby-since-their-sleep-matters fathers. That just sounds awfully like a specific demographic, and for god's sake please don't expect everyone to relate.
September 1, 2019
Kind of a depressing read, especially if you assume you have a progressive partner and that you'll share the load when it comes to parenting. But it's also hopeful — there are so many feelings that new moms keep to themselves, but acknowledging them and sharing them could ease these secret burdens.
I've decided to write up 3-5 takeaways from nonfiction books in an effort to retain more of what I read; here are some from this book:
1. Try to reframe "problems" and get rid of your expectations. A clingy baby is not a problem, just someone who wants comfort. Try to feel and accept the pain when things don't go as you might wish them to, rather than suffer by resisting, fearing, or denying what's actually happening. Similarly, if you feel guilt, question why and try to determine if it's valid. (Apparently women experience guilt as parents much more than men.)
2. Mothers often feel a wholly new relationship to time when they have a baby. That's normal. It's OK not to use every free moment to its utmost potential and instead to relax.
3. Greater social isolation is making parenthood even more difficult. Try to cultivate a community, especially of other women.
4. Even progressive couples often revert to traditional divisions of labor in parenthood. Also, couples frequently suffer when they become parents. Try to see what's underneath the arguments and the friction. It's often an unmet need.
5. Adopt "and" framing rather than "but:" "I treasure my children, and they often overwhelm me."
I've decided to write up 3-5 takeaways from nonfiction books in an effort to retain more of what I read; here are some from this book:
1. Try to reframe "problems" and get rid of your expectations. A clingy baby is not a problem, just someone who wants comfort. Try to feel and accept the pain when things don't go as you might wish them to, rather than suffer by resisting, fearing, or denying what's actually happening. Similarly, if you feel guilt, question why and try to determine if it's valid. (Apparently women experience guilt as parents much more than men.)
2. Mothers often feel a wholly new relationship to time when they have a baby. That's normal. It's OK not to use every free moment to its utmost potential and instead to relax.
3. Greater social isolation is making parenthood even more difficult. Try to cultivate a community, especially of other women.
4. Even progressive couples often revert to traditional divisions of labor in parenthood. Also, couples frequently suffer when they become parents. Try to see what's underneath the arguments and the friction. It's often an unmet need.
5. Adopt "and" framing rather than "but:" "I treasure my children, and they often overwhelm me."
June 20, 2021
The forward to this book makes it pretty clear that it has a narrow audience: monogamous mothers of young children married to men who are not the primary caregivers of their young children. From there it attempts to draw some conclusions about shared experiences among this group, so I can understand the instinct to be clear about who is addressed. But as others have pointed out, there are additional assumptions that aren't explicitly mentioned: mom gave birth, mom and dad are both straight, money isn't an issue, fertility was not an issue, racism isn't affecting one or both parents in their roles, etc. I am not in the stated or implied target audience but I am the mother of an infant so I read it anyway because it was well rated and seemed well researched. If nothing else I had to read it because there were at least a few reviews where men were moaning about how the author is a misandrist and in my experience that indicates a text is probably doing something interesting.
There is a lot of good here. I found some of the anecdotes from the author’s clients to be distressing but also validating in the ring of truth they have to people I know and sometimes myself. The author also blended some memoir and personal revelations in there to good effect (if you enjoy this kind of thing like I do, you might really like “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,” which is to my read the height of this possibilities of this blend). I can imagine for women in the audience I mentioned that the validation about how in patriarchal culture parenthood is a major site of gender emergence and enforcement would be affirming. The value here is in saying very plainly things that our culture prefers to keep hidden: the deep and seismic life change of motherhood is very often a pretty bad time that is really hard on women and the marriages they once knew. And I found it resonant even as someone who for a variety of reasons has had a more nuanced experience. I thought the author was right to try to consider a couple as a whole and her insights about how postpartum mood disorders are hardly a personal problem but rather a whole family system problem were a refreshing point of view I have not seen elsewhere.
There was a surprising thread focused on mindfulness that I enjoyed. If I took one thing I liked from this book it is that expectations are the root of so much suffering in motherhood in part because my generation spends so much time listening to Instagram experts and parenting books instead of our own inner knowing with some support from say, a trusted elder and a pediatrician and let me tell you, this way lies hell. You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to be an expert on every stage of child development. What we expect from ourselves with basically no cultural or social support structures as our grandmothers knew them is wild as hell and it’s impossible. Enough! I also enjoyed the discussion of guilt and how it is experienced through the lens of gender.
There were some very moving and beautiful portions at the close of the book about how motherhood not only destabilizes marriages and a sense of self but also expands the same in ways that are probably only apparent with some distance. I found this very touching. The author is at her best when showing vulnerability.
So why didn’t I love it? Well, it wasn't written for my life situation, and that's okay. I still found a lot to appreciate. However, there were a couple problems I had with the book that felt more serious than "this doesn't apply to me."
First, there was an infuriating chapter on birth that was poorly researched and used the Business of Being Born as a completely serious footnote. Yikes! Skip it no matter who you are but definitely if you had a traumatic birth. The author wants to treat this audience with care, but falls far short of writing about this painful subject with an objective and kind point of view. I think she puts too much emphasis on physiologic birth because this was her experience. She is correct, however, in pointing out how the memory of birth lives on for the birthing person long, long after the day passes, and that there is little attention to the importance of telling the birth story as a means of emotional healing. For a better researched resource on this subject (obstetric violence, etc), seek out Evidence Based Birth (an org with classes, a podcast, etc) or the book “Babies Aren’t Pizzas.” The medicalization of birth may be a problem, but the cult of zero-intervention birth is hardly better from where I'm sitting. Most of us live in the vast universe between Ina May Gaskin and elective belly birth and you will not find help with processing how your attempts to find that middle ground may have foundered through no fault of your own here.
Finally, I felt uncomfortable at times with the author’s way of writing about her subjective experiences of others, probably most particularly one of her children. She anticipates my discomfort and tries to address it, but it didn’t land for me. Some of her ways of seeing her clients felt similar. The bottom line is that she shared anecdotes from which I seemed to draw very different conclusions than the narrative of the book (about the motives, needs, etc of those involved). I did enjoy that, though, because it gave me a chance to ask myself honestly why I didn’t like how something was framed. I felt that was a worthy pursuit and helped me integrate my own ideas.
There is a lot of good here. I found some of the anecdotes from the author’s clients to be distressing but also validating in the ring of truth they have to people I know and sometimes myself. The author also blended some memoir and personal revelations in there to good effect (if you enjoy this kind of thing like I do, you might really like “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,” which is to my read the height of this possibilities of this blend). I can imagine for women in the audience I mentioned that the validation about how in patriarchal culture parenthood is a major site of gender emergence and enforcement would be affirming. The value here is in saying very plainly things that our culture prefers to keep hidden: the deep and seismic life change of motherhood is very often a pretty bad time that is really hard on women and the marriages they once knew. And I found it resonant even as someone who for a variety of reasons has had a more nuanced experience. I thought the author was right to try to consider a couple as a whole and her insights about how postpartum mood disorders are hardly a personal problem but rather a whole family system problem were a refreshing point of view I have not seen elsewhere.
There was a surprising thread focused on mindfulness that I enjoyed. If I took one thing I liked from this book it is that expectations are the root of so much suffering in motherhood in part because my generation spends so much time listening to Instagram experts and parenting books instead of our own inner knowing with some support from say, a trusted elder and a pediatrician and let me tell you, this way lies hell. You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to be an expert on every stage of child development. What we expect from ourselves with basically no cultural or social support structures as our grandmothers knew them is wild as hell and it’s impossible. Enough! I also enjoyed the discussion of guilt and how it is experienced through the lens of gender.
There were some very moving and beautiful portions at the close of the book about how motherhood not only destabilizes marriages and a sense of self but also expands the same in ways that are probably only apparent with some distance. I found this very touching. The author is at her best when showing vulnerability.
So why didn’t I love it? Well, it wasn't written for my life situation, and that's okay. I still found a lot to appreciate. However, there were a couple problems I had with the book that felt more serious than "this doesn't apply to me."
First, there was an infuriating chapter on birth that was poorly researched and used the Business of Being Born as a completely serious footnote. Yikes! Skip it no matter who you are but definitely if you had a traumatic birth. The author wants to treat this audience with care, but falls far short of writing about this painful subject with an objective and kind point of view. I think she puts too much emphasis on physiologic birth because this was her experience. She is correct, however, in pointing out how the memory of birth lives on for the birthing person long, long after the day passes, and that there is little attention to the importance of telling the birth story as a means of emotional healing. For a better researched resource on this subject (obstetric violence, etc), seek out Evidence Based Birth (an org with classes, a podcast, etc) or the book “Babies Aren’t Pizzas.” The medicalization of birth may be a problem, but the cult of zero-intervention birth is hardly better from where I'm sitting. Most of us live in the vast universe between Ina May Gaskin and elective belly birth and you will not find help with processing how your attempts to find that middle ground may have foundered through no fault of your own here.
Finally, I felt uncomfortable at times with the author’s way of writing about her subjective experiences of others, probably most particularly one of her children. She anticipates my discomfort and tries to address it, but it didn’t land for me. Some of her ways of seeing her clients felt similar. The bottom line is that she shared anecdotes from which I seemed to draw very different conclusions than the narrative of the book (about the motives, needs, etc of those involved). I did enjoy that, though, because it gave me a chance to ask myself honestly why I didn’t like how something was framed. I felt that was a worthy pursuit and helped me integrate my own ideas.
August 29, 2023
I would recommend this to any mother who ever thought she was crazy. I feel seen and heard in a way that never would have made sense before giving birth.
That being said, because I’m only six weeks into motherhood and my experience is limited, this book made me more aware of things to be afraid of (more than is probably helpful and feeds my tendency to catastrophize).
As baby gets older, as the strain of sleepless nights strains our relationship, as (maybe) more children enter the picture, and as a million other things happen in life, there are endless ways to make mistakes and endless reasons to cry. It’s good to know though, that as I struggle and as things go wrong, I am in good company. Better mothers than me have dealt with the same things I am going through and made it out alive.
That being said, because I’m only six weeks into motherhood and my experience is limited, this book made me more aware of things to be afraid of (more than is probably helpful and feeds my tendency to catastrophize).
As baby gets older, as the strain of sleepless nights strains our relationship, as (maybe) more children enter the picture, and as a million other things happen in life, there are endless ways to make mistakes and endless reasons to cry. It’s good to know though, that as I struggle and as things go wrong, I am in good company. Better mothers than me have dealt with the same things I am going through and made it out alive.
April 25, 2020
I found myself nodding along and seeing so much of my own experience and inner world in this book. I think it’s one I’ll have to go back and read again. Entering motherhood really is a transformation and one that is done such a disservice by the way it’s handled medically, the expectations of moms societally and the ideas of how it should be culturally. The author expertly lays out so much of the psychology of new moms and how they relate to themselves, their babies and their partners. The comments on grieving the loss of self, understanding the role expectations play in your happiness and resilience and holding complex feelings at the same time really put words to things I couldn’t quite express or see. I feel like this first read was just seeing with clarity so many of the things I’ve been feeling or thinking in low resolution, and realizing they’re shared by many. The next read will be more of what I should do about some of those uncomfortable or even unexplored feelings.
February 2, 2024
New go to gift for baby showers. They should honestly be handing these out like adult diapers in the maternity wards at hospitals everywhere. Not only did it verbalize so many of the thoughts and feelings I’ve had since becoming a mom, but it did it using evidence based research - nerd alert I know.
February 2, 2020
I read this as a hard copy and listened to it as an audiobook. I ended up annotating so many parts of the book because my greatest takeaway was I WISHED I WOULD’VE READ THIS SOONER.
If you’re pregnant (first, second or third time), read this book.
If you have young kids, read this book.
If you felt/feel resentment building or displaced emotions, read this book.
If the transition to motherhood has made you question your ability, read this book.
If your marriage is rocky and you’re at your wit’s end because of parenthood, read this book.
If you’re in constant survival or crisis mode because of motherhood , read this book.
If you need to feel less lonely on this journey, read this book.
This book has helped me understand the emotions attributed to being a first time mom is SO normal. Grieving the person you were before kids is part of the process.
If you’re pregnant (first, second or third time), read this book.
If you have young kids, read this book.
If you felt/feel resentment building or displaced emotions, read this book.
If the transition to motherhood has made you question your ability, read this book.
If your marriage is rocky and you’re at your wit’s end because of parenthood, read this book.
If you’re in constant survival or crisis mode because of motherhood , read this book.
If you need to feel less lonely on this journey, read this book.
This book has helped me understand the emotions attributed to being a first time mom is SO normal. Grieving the person you were before kids is part of the process.
October 20, 2022
Alternatively insightful and infuriating. Some thoughtful reflections on PPD, mom guilt, and marital strain during early motherhood, but they’re interspersed with deeply unhelpful and unscientific demonizations of epidurals, c-sections, and sleep training.
August 27, 2024
I had so much hope for this book... I read it when I was about three or four months postpartum and needing help navigating the inevitable marital changes that come from having a baby, but I was left terribly disappointed.
Things it gets right: if you're someone who hasn't gone through therapy or done much intensive personal work, then I imagine you may find this book really validating. The author does a great job at outlining the "uglier" parts of motherhood, and giving the reader permission to feel them in their entirety without getting lost in the guilt and shame that usually accompanies it.
Things it gets wrong: pretty much everything else. This book was 97% "motherhood is really hard, and here's why" and 3% "how to navigate the changes in your marriage". In fact, marriage shouldn't have even been mentioned in the title of this book - that's how little it focuses on it. It mentions attachment theory and how that can play out in your relationship, but takes a complex idea and reduces it to less than a chapter. She mentions the imbalance that tends to play out in the arena of childcare and domestic labor, but offers little to no tools to navigate it. It frustrated me enough that every time I see the book on my shelf, I just feel a small flicker of rage. The author also has a weird tendency to rag on her second child and how overwhelming they can be (trying to balance it with "but of course I love them"), but it just feels....uncomfortable. Maybe that's the point? But the recurring anecdote felt a bit worn and inappropriate. And the final cherry on top? She very clearly has something against hospital births and interventions, and isn't afraid to let you know it. Gave me the instant ick. Birthing is a HUGELY personal thing that takes many different shapes, and for someone who spends half her book trying to convince moms to let go of shame and guilt, her language around the subject could leave a reader feeling worse for not going the "natural" route.
Overall: this book will validate your bad feelings, but will leave you with very little to feel good about.
Things it gets right: if you're someone who hasn't gone through therapy or done much intensive personal work, then I imagine you may find this book really validating. The author does a great job at outlining the "uglier" parts of motherhood, and giving the reader permission to feel them in their entirety without getting lost in the guilt and shame that usually accompanies it.
Things it gets wrong: pretty much everything else. This book was 97% "motherhood is really hard, and here's why" and 3% "how to navigate the changes in your marriage". In fact, marriage shouldn't have even been mentioned in the title of this book - that's how little it focuses on it. It mentions attachment theory and how that can play out in your relationship, but takes a complex idea and reduces it to less than a chapter. She mentions the imbalance that tends to play out in the arena of childcare and domestic labor, but offers little to no tools to navigate it. It frustrated me enough that every time I see the book on my shelf, I just feel a small flicker of rage. The author also has a weird tendency to rag on her second child and how overwhelming they can be (trying to balance it with "but of course I love them"), but it just feels....uncomfortable. Maybe that's the point? But the recurring anecdote felt a bit worn and inappropriate. And the final cherry on top? She very clearly has something against hospital births and interventions, and isn't afraid to let you know it. Gave me the instant ick. Birthing is a HUGELY personal thing that takes many different shapes, and for someone who spends half her book trying to convince moms to let go of shame and guilt, her language around the subject could leave a reader feeling worse for not going the "natural" route.
Overall: this book will validate your bad feelings, but will leave you with very little to feel good about.
July 8, 2022
I related so much to the author’s motherhood struggles. But her advice was not helpful at all, basically “if you see this as a problem, it turns from pain into suffering. So just don’t see it as a problem.” So she gives an example- if your baby doesn’t sleep through the night, just have the mindset it isn’t a problem and don’t worry about it. I agree that sleeping isn’t a forever problem, but telling someone whose baby wakes up 10 times a night when they work or care for other kids the next morning that they need to decide it isn’t a problem is just gaslighting.
April 2, 2025
Great read about motherhood and work-life balance, relationships and taking care care of yourself.
Ça ma fait du bien a lire étant déja back au travail après 5 mois🤍
Ça ma fait du bien a lire étant déja back au travail après 5 mois🤍
October 1, 2020
Can’t say I would recommend this to women who haven’t had children yet. (I am married, no kids yet but want them) I found it to be very negative. Perhaps this book would resonate with me more as a mother.
November 12, 2023
So grateful for this read. Birth, postpartum, and parenting are so complicated, and this book normalizes the range of feelings.
August 24, 2024
No thanks. One big ole rant fest about how hard and sad and forgotten we are as mothers and wives. 🤮
February 13, 2024
This book was so validating and needed. So many quotes touched me and made me feel less alone and I'd recommend it to anyone who sometimes feels like they're the only one feeling unmoored by new motherhood (aka, probably most of us). There was one chapter on relationship dynamics that was like a lightbulb moment for me. AND the author uses a lot of actual evidence-based research (a must for me in "self-help" books). See some of the highlights I shared for a sneak peek!
A few disclaimers:
- I don't personally think you should read this before having kids, which seems to be why it was written, and definitely not while you're pregnant. I think the ideal time to read this book would be around 4-6 months postpartum after having your first baby but it will remain beneficial no matter when you read it after becoming a mother. OR read it if you want to understand your female friends with kids better. ;)
- The author is very open about this book being for mothers who are in heterosexual relationships. I can't really say how necessary that is but there is a lot about the specific dynamic between mothers and fathers. There's so much in here that would be validating to any mother but if you're not in a relationship with a man, you'd have to wade through a lot of the book that might not apply to you.
- There's also a chapter on labor that I don't love. Even as someone who supports (and had) unmedicated birth, I don't think it's realistic or responsible to say that's the "right" way to give birth and I thought as a society we had kind of moved past that.
A few disclaimers:
- I don't personally think you should read this before having kids, which seems to be why it was written, and definitely not while you're pregnant. I think the ideal time to read this book would be around 4-6 months postpartum after having your first baby but it will remain beneficial no matter when you read it after becoming a mother. OR read it if you want to understand your female friends with kids better. ;)
- The author is very open about this book being for mothers who are in heterosexual relationships. I can't really say how necessary that is but there is a lot about the specific dynamic between mothers and fathers. There's so much in here that would be validating to any mother but if you're not in a relationship with a man, you'd have to wade through a lot of the book that might not apply to you.
- There's also a chapter on labor that I don't love. Even as someone who supports (and had) unmedicated birth, I don't think it's realistic or responsible to say that's the "right" way to give birth and I thought as a society we had kind of moved past that.
July 5, 2023
Powerful and important. Should be required reading for couples before their first kid is born, since a huge share of the challenges that arise with the transition to parenthood stem from misaligned expectations. Yeah sure, the logistics and the sleep and the finances are hard, but they are concrete problems that are solvable. It's the nebulous feelings that are corrosive. Preparation -- even just knowing to anticipate that your marriage and your self-identity will get rattled -- makes a huge difference in making it through relatively unscathed.
Marriage. Gender Roles. Self-identity. Self-awareness. How and why all these things - which may have only just stabilized depending on when a couple enters parenthood -- are so shaken by the arrival of a first child.
Each chapter pulled its own weight, but the one that prompted the bump from four to five stars was her overview of attachment theory (note: NOT attachment parenting. Different thing entirely) and its direct relevance to couples navigating transitions. I could see not only echoes of my marriage, but my childhood and even my parents' relationships to their parents.
In a genre dominated by fluff, this one is the real deal.
Marriage. Gender Roles. Self-identity. Self-awareness. How and why all these things - which may have only just stabilized depending on when a couple enters parenthood -- are so shaken by the arrival of a first child.
Each chapter pulled its own weight, but the one that prompted the bump from four to five stars was her overview of attachment theory (note: NOT attachment parenting. Different thing entirely) and its direct relevance to couples navigating transitions. I could see not only echoes of my marriage, but my childhood and even my parents' relationships to their parents.
In a genre dominated by fluff, this one is the real deal.
February 2, 2025
S/O Lucy for the rec
-Some parts were 2/3 stars, some were solid 5s
-Don't read this book unless you already have kids lol
-Was helpful to put words to things I've felt. Since it's not faith-based, I intentionally took my wrestlings to prayer and tried to look at her points in light of Christ.
-Overall, if you wrestle with the changes motherhood has brought to your life and your marriage, or the different roles of fathers and mothers, then I'd highly recommend!
-Some parts were 2/3 stars, some were solid 5s
-Don't read this book unless you already have kids lol
-Was helpful to put words to things I've felt. Since it's not faith-based, I intentionally took my wrestlings to prayer and tried to look at her points in light of Christ.
-Overall, if you wrestle with the changes motherhood has brought to your life and your marriage, or the different roles of fathers and mothers, then I'd highly recommend!
September 12, 2025
Gifted this book to my wife, wanted something about the challenges embedded in the transition to motherhood, thanks to many Reddit recommendations, ended up gifting this book.
Recommendations didn't disappoint, Molly does a fantastic job capturing the challenges of the transition to motherhood, through her own experience and the melange of her patient's stories, she does a terrific job. My wife liked it and I ended up reading the whole thing. It's a great book that has let me understand the challenges for women. The author conveys very transparently that motherhood can be the most beautiful thing AND a very chaotic and challenging transition.
Recommendations didn't disappoint, Molly does a fantastic job capturing the challenges of the transition to motherhood, through her own experience and the melange of her patient's stories, she does a terrific job. My wife liked it and I ended up reading the whole thing. It's a great book that has let me understand the challenges for women. The author conveys very transparently that motherhood can be the most beautiful thing AND a very chaotic and challenging transition.
January 17, 2024
I enjoyed this book because it made me feel a little less crazy/alone/horrible at being a mother/etc. I wish it had a little more concrete ideas to help fight these feelings it the future but at least there were some ideas.
May 9, 2023
Excellent. Emotionally raw and honest.
September 24, 2024
I had never highlighted on my kindle before, but felt compelled to make 70!! highlights in this book. The author made me feel seen and a little less crazy for experiencing the complex and conflicting feelings of joy, loss, fear, guilt, and resentment that accompany becoming a parent! Totally recommend this read for new moms, but maybe don’t read during pregnancy (too scary!).
March 7, 2024
I devoured this on audio during the first few weeks of my daughter being born when I was in the thick of navigating first time motherhood. It was a lifeline at the time; my thoughts and feelings about this stage were overwhelming and I found them not only verbalized on the page but given the validation I very much needed. I don’t think we normalize the less than ideal aspects of the early postpartum days/newborn stage enough (beyond the basic “yeah it’s really hard but if you find yourself unable to overcome these negative feelings you probably have PPD”) so I of course found myself questioning everything and doomscrolling in my overtired state, desperately searching for a sense of solidarity. Millwood brings to light the complexities of identity, self worth, and relationships post-baby and breaks down the all too common feelings of guilt/ambivalence with relevant research and a genuine, compassionate tone. Truly a book that was healing in so many ways.
March 24, 2021
I took away some good things from this book but I got tired of constantly being told there are levels of love and parental guilt and difficulty reserved only for mothers. If she really wants to change the way we treat mothers postpartum, she should stop stereotyping on the lines of gender. The stories of dads making boneheaded mistakes juxtaposed with moms being over-invested in their children got old because that’s simply not how it is in every family. I got through it because I really did identify with a lot of what she said and I enjoyed the therapist’s view of how a relationship changes after having children. But by the end, I was fatigued by endlessly trying to adapt my reality to the one size fits all portrayal of the American family.
January 30, 2023
This was a profound read for me. Not only did it acknowledge some of my misgivings about being a new mom it really hit home on so many marital fears of mine in a way with the explaination upfront and the proposed solution in hand that it makes it all seem much more manageable. I've never taken a Psychology class and now I wish I had, it makes life make a lot more sense.
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For my new mom readers out there, this will be your baby shower gift from now on!
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For my new mom readers out there, this will be your baby shower gift from now on!
July 5, 2023
REREAD: I still cannot recommend this book enough for new/expecting mothers. Should be required reading.
A MUST READ for expecting/new cisgender moms in heterosexual relationships (the author prefaces that this book is specifically for that population). I feel seen.
A MUST READ for expecting/new cisgender moms in heterosexual relationships (the author prefaces that this book is specifically for that population). I feel seen.
April 13, 2019
A little gender essentialist but I loved the thoughts in it so much I just don’t care.
September 22, 2021
This made moms sound like victims.
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