Edited addition in 2021:
Soooo someone asked me what the worst book I ever read was, and I remembered this 🤣 thought I’d bring it back for old times sake.
Original review:
“Taming the Biker”
Oh boy. Little disclaimer, if you get offended easily or really like this book you may not want to read this review. It's all in good fun, and if you love this book, more power to you.
Thank god I made notes throughout this book because I’m already starting to forget everything I just read. *takes a long sip of tea*
Let's get right into the spoilers, shall we?
Taylor Adams (Hero) is the kind of guy who:
1) Fucks his best friend's mother AND the heroines sister who ends up being the best friends future wife (and continues to joke TO that friend about how close he and his mom are, and even describes her body)
2) Thinks about fucking anything that moves
3) Finds a way to fit “pussy” into every interaction
4) “Tail” is his nickname because he’s had half the town in his bed
5) We’re supposed to excuse all of this because he had his heart broken when he was 17 or something.
6) Fantasizes about slapping the girl that broke his heart
7) Calls the heroine a bitch *jokingly* but, still. Not cute.
Oh, but its not his fault, because his dad said:
“You’re too young to be with one girl.” and “Just keep your dick wrapped, son, and you can put your hands anywhere you want.”
Ok, first of all, yes you should-- and no, you can’t!
So then poor, poor Taylor lives by his equally douchey bestfriend Carters creed “Play or be played.” That is, until he meets HeR.
Lauren Macey (Heroine) is SpEcIaL why, you ask?
1)She's not like other girls, she wont sleep with a guy until the fourth date. (except, she sleeps with Taylor and it's not even a date LOL) so yeah, that's pretty much it.
On a real note, though, I do respect Lauren for being strong enough to escape the clutches of her jealous, rich, elderly boyfriend. But she's also the girl who buys and takes pregnancy tests, you know “Just for the hell of it.”
Here are a few honorable mentions of cringe-laugh worthy quotes:
Taylor: “Looking at you? It’s hanging all the way across the room. You and a friend could play jump-rope with the woody that I have right now, sweetheart” (for reference he's talking to a stripper)
Taylors POV: I stuck my right index finger near his nose. “By the way, that was Jenna.” Laughing, he pushed my hand away. “Wait, I’m not done.” I shoved my left finger near his nostril. “That’s Layla.” (You guessed it, both strippers)
Taylors POV: Sighing, I brushed a lock of hair away from her eyes. “I’d like to stay, if that’s okay?” Lauren smiled. “Yes. I should warn you, however--”
“You fart in your sleep?”
One of the biker guys: “You got your wish and didn’t even have to lay a fucking finger hand on him.”
Yep, you read that right.
And quite possibly the cringiest of all
Taylor: “Not as good as my pretzel in your peanut butter,” I said, wiggling my eyebrows.
“Just don’t dip your pretzel into my chocolate,” she replied.
Pair everything I just wrote with an off-page realization of the hero falling in love with the heroine and you’ve got yourself a massive, steaming pile of shit. Here's how it went from 0-100.
“The next three weeks, Taylor and I spent a lot of time together, most of it in my bungalow and having sex. Eventually, things started getting serious. (Does the reader get to see any of that? Nope. Are we expected to just accept that they are madly in love now? Yep.) Nobody was as surprised as I was.”
“I love you,” he said, one night, holding me in his arms.
I blinked. “What did you just say to me?”
He grinned. “I love you. I know, it’s crazy, especially coming from me. But, its true.”
This whole “Bad Boy-to- Committed” thing was done so poorly, I honestly couldn’t have cared less about the fact that he told her he loved her, or even the fact that she's pregnant with his kid. For kicks, here's how THAT interaction went. (By the way, if you’re still reading, you are a trooper)
“You bitch,” he said, laughing after he came back up.
“Don't you dare,” I warned as he moved toward me, grinning wickedly.
“Dare what?”
“Push me under. I’m… I’m pregnant,” I said.
The smile dropped from his face.
“What?”
So, in case you guys didn’t know, you can't swim if you’re pregnant. But I guess the news had to come out some way. So then they decide they are going to be a family and invite his whole biker club over to Mitzy’s (The mother he fucked) place. And, just out of curiosity,
Lauren asks:
“So, what do bikers like to eat?” (Because bikers aren’t human beings and they don’t eat the same food we do)
Taylor replies while grinning wickedly: “Besides pussy? Anything that goes good with beer.”
And then the book just ends. On that cliff hanger. I mean, seriously, I need to know what bikers eat!!!
Yes, I am entirely aware that it's not THAT serious, I’m not upset that I read it, I actually had a great time laughing even if it wasn't the author's intention. 1 solid star for me.