A Better Man: A (Mostly Serious) Letter to My Son

by Michael Ian Black

“Raw, intimate, and true . . .  A Better Man  cracked me wide open, and it’s a template for the conversation we need to be having with our boys.”
— Peggy Orenstein, bestselling author of  Boys & Sex

A poignant look at boyhood, in the form of a heartfelt letter from comedian Michael Ian Black to his teenage son before he leaves for college, and a radical plea for rethinking masculinity and teaching young men to give and receive love.

In a world in which the word masculinity now often goes hand in hand with toxic, comedian, actor, and father Michael Ian Black offers up a way forward for boys, men, and anyone who loves them. Part memoir, part advice book, and written as a heartfelt letter to his college-bound son, A Better Man reveals Black’s own complicated relationship with his father, explores the damage and rising violence caused by the expectations placed on boys to “man up,” and searches for the best way to help young men be part of the solution, not the problem. “If we cannot allow ourselves vulnerability,” he writes, “how are we supposed to experience wonder, fear, tenderness?”

Honest, funny, and hopeful, Black skillfully navigates the complex gender issues of our time and delivers a poignant answer to an urgent question: How can we be, and raise, better men? 

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Memoir, Humor, Essays, Biography, Audiobook

304 pages, Hardcover

First published September 15, 2020

About the author

Michael Ian Black is a popular comedian who began his career with "The State," a sketch comedy troupe he co-founded at New York University in 1988, which went on to have a successful run on MTV. He then co-created the Comedy Central television series "Viva Variety," a fake European variety show.

From there, he appeared on several television shows before landing the role of Phil Stubbs, the quirky bowling alley manager on NBC's "Ed," which ran for almost four seasons. His next project was "Stella," a television show he co-created with Michael Showalter and David Wain, which ran on Comedy Central. Black has appeared in several films and is a popular contributor to VH1's "I Love the..." series.

In 2005, he wrote and directed his first film, "Wedding Daze," which starred Jason Biggs and Isla Fisher. His screenplay "Run Fat Boy Run," starring Simon Pegg and Thandie Newton, came out in 2007. Black is also a stand-up comedian, who regularly tours the country. His first album of stand-up comedy, "I Am a Wonderful Man," was released in 2007, and his first book of humorous essays, My Custom Van (and 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face) came out in 2008. His first children's book, Chicken Cheeks was released in January, 2009. His latest project is "Michael and Michael Have Issues," a comedy series premiering in July 2009 on Comedy Central. Black is married and has two children.

Reviews

[Larry H · Rating 4 out of 5]

Michael Ian Black's A Better Man: A (Mostly Serious) Letter to My Son is full of humorous, moving, insightful reflections shared from father to son.

What does it mean to be a man? And what does being “a good man” entail, especially in these days when it seems we are caught between the “traditional” male roles and behaviors and the paradigm shift that has occurred in the wake of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements?

In his new book, fashioned as a “letter” of sorts to his college-aged son, comedian Michael Ian Black tries to provide advice on how to negotiate manhood in this day and age. He talks about the need to avoid getting caught up in stereotypical male behaviors like refusing to show emotions or ask for help, the need to make your own way and avoid turning to violence.

In many ways, this is a quietly moving book, as Black reflects on his own relationship with his father, who died when he was 12. He also talks about the fear and uncertainty of parenting, especially following the Sandy Hook massacre and other crises.

While Black does interject a little humor into the book, it’s not as sarcastic or snarky as I expected it might be, and that worked well. In some cases he dwells a little too much on history, and those chapters don’t work as well, and he doesn’t shy away from adding his political views periodically, which might not sit well with those who don’t share them. (It didn't bother me.)

Although I’m not a father, this book certainly made me reflect on my own relationship with my father, who died almost 6-1/2 years ago.

I hope that Black’s son—and to a smaller extent, his daughter—realizes how much his father loves him. A Better Man certainly radiates love, as well as the need for reflection.

I was pleased to be part of the blog tour for this book. Thanks to Algonquin Books and Michael Ian Black for a complimentary advance copy of the book in exchange for an unbiased review!!

Check out my list of the best books I read in 2019 at https://itseithersadnessoreuphoria.blogspot.com/2020/01/the-best-books-i-read-in-2019.html.

Check out my list of the best books of the decade at https://itseithersadnessoreuphoria.blogspot.com/2020/01/my-favorite-books-of-decade.html.

See all of my reviews at itseithersadnessoreuphoria.blogspot.com.

Follow me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/the.bookishworld.of.yrralh/.

[Geoff · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is fascinating, and to be honest a little uncomfortable, to see a master of ironic detachment be so open, honest, and vulnerable in his discussion of his life and his understanding of manhood. Some of that is due to this book being structured as a letter and instructions to his college-bound son, but some of it is also due to the fact that very few of us have the practice of examining masculinity and even fewer have the vocabulary to talk about it. Black does a good job examining the good and the bad in classic, contemporary progressive, and contemporary conservative conceptions of masculinity. While some parts stumble (his discussion of race does come off a little bit as "rich White liberal lecturing" despite his best efforts) his examination of his own life, the way his upbringing shaped his understanding of masculinity, his wide-ranging discussion (of work, sex, goals, communication, and love) and his final message (that it all boils down to love and sharing your love) are worth dealing with the occasional eye rolling passages. And it is nice to have a model of one way to approach these discussions with my son.

**Thanks to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for a free copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Carrie Poppy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lovely. Many times better than a book by Bob Larson.

Listen to my interview with him on NPR's Bullseye!

[Nursebookie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Better Man is both a memoir and a heartfelt letter to comedian Michael Ian Black’s college-bound son Elijah, who is entering adulthood.

In this honest, raw and emotional tribute, I was touched as a mother to a teen age son. It was the perfect book to read for me and I cannot help but agree and nod a lot about some of the experiences Black shares in this book.

Black intimately shares his own life experiences as well as the early death of his father at 39 yo. This is such an important book to read especially for someone raising a son. I am definitely buying more of these for friends and family for gifts.

A must read and one I highly recommend.

[Jean · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had never heard of comedian/actor Michael Ian Black, but what I read about his book, A Better Man: A (Mostly Serious) Letter to My Son caught my attention. What would he have to say?

Black, a half-Jewish/half-Catholic, non-religious man who changed his name from Schwartz to Black to avoid standing out as Jewish. He says he wanted to sound more “neutral” when he walked into auditions. He goes on to voice his thoughts on white supremacy, sexism, racism, and so much more.

We learn about his upbringing – his parents’ divorce and his upbringing by his lesbian mother and her partner, which undoubtedly helped form his nonjudgmental attitudes toward others. He has two sisters, one with Down Syndrome. He reveals some of his childhood memories and a few of his wilder moments as a young adult. All of this advice is offered to his 18-year-old son as a going-away-gift as he is about to head off to college (in addition to the cash his son had requested). Others, male and female, will discover fodder for discussion as well.

Black is totally, brutally honest. He knows that his son may not heed all of his advice, but he is giving him his two-cents worth anyway. Will his son read all of it? Will there be eye-rolling involved? Why, he wonders, are virtually all of the perpetrators of mass shootings white males? That’s what started him thinking about all of these issues. What does it mean to be masculine? ¿Quién es más macho? In the end, he tells him, it doesn’t matter. “Find your people,” he says.

He wholeheartedly believes, I am convinced, in gender equality, in respect, and in empathy. He writes of white male privilege. Important stuff. As he writes the words, he speaks to his son as an adult, and his love and affection come through. He gives him advice, information, and most importantly, his own thoughts and feelings – things he never got from his own dad, who died young of a blood clot – and in the end, he thanks his son for being his kid. He closes with these words, “I love you, Dad”

4 stars

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

Comedian Michael Ian Black wrote this book as a form of instruction to his college-bound son. His goal is to teach his son how to be a man and analyze what masculinity looks like. The book covers a variety of topics, including love, vulnerability, toxic masculinity, consent, pride, leadership, happiness, spirituality, and relationships.
I was not familiar with the author before I read the book, and I picked it up because I have a son who will leave for college soon. One of my favorite quotes is, "Although men bear responsibility for so much of what's wrong in the world, we also provide some share of what's right. We work hard and provide for others. We are helpers and friends and nurturers. We sacrifice. We inspire."
While I did appreciate the sociological insights Mr. Black shares about the history of why men are the way they are, the content is very liberal and slanted strongly against President Trump and anyone who supports him. I understand that parents are obligated to express their political views to their children and have discussions about politics, but readers should understand his perspective toward people who do not agree with his position.
The book is touted as funny, but I didn't laugh out loud. I was disappointed that the book includes way more history and sociology lectures - plus strong profanity - than jokes.
Mr. Black does include dozens of personal stories. One of my favorites was how he changed some of his jokes and life philosophy after the birth of his son. Fatherhood changed him, and this book shares many of his beliefs. I may not agree with everything he believes, but I do like the way he explains masculinity and provides a new path to a better manhood.

[Andrea]

I cringe to say it, but this was a DNF.
I got 50% through and (aside from the beginning where he discusses the shootings at Sandy Hook) I felt I was just getting societal history lessons, when I was really hoping for Michael Ian Black’s personal stories/advice, sprinkled with his snarky humor.
Bummer

(BUT..I highly recommend both his former books. Guaranteed to make you laugh)

[Bonnie G. · Rating 4 out of 5]

A touching, intimate and wise series of "letters" to Black's son as he goes off to college on what it means to be a man, and how to recognize and reject societal norms that stifle physical and emotional intimacy, warmth, empathy, respect, constancy, and basic decency. And further it explores how the endless series of mass shootings by white men in America is a direct result of these norms and men's constant awareness of how they fall short of this twisted masculine "ideal." There is some repetition, and some things set forth as fact just are not (which is not to say they are not reasoned opinions, they generally are, but that is not the same is fact.) Mostly though there is a ton of great advice and resonant observation contained in these pages. As the mother of an adult son whom I raised as a single mom from the time he was two, and whose father was absolutely not a role model, this is something I would have given him when he was 18 and off to college. I may still recommend it to him. It should make for some interesting conversation.

[Aurélien Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

It starts with a school shooting. The mass murderer, as always, was a boy. Michael Black has a boy too -luckily, he was in a different school although in the same city when the shooting happened. Why is it always boys engaging in such senseless violence? Such event triggered him indeed to reflect upon masculinity, manhood, and how we raise our sons in a culture still carrying within itself the heritage of the patriarchal model (it’s about the USA, but many points will resonate with how we perceive traditional manhood across the whole Western world…), reflections that he, here, offers to his son, himself on its way to become a man. And here’s the multi-million pounds question: is masculinity ‘toxic’?

We live a time of reckoning, especially following the #MeToo campaign whereas how men think, approach, treat, and overall behave around women brought to the fore how inappropriate (to say the least…) some of the attitudes and thinking rooted in traditional manhood are. Writing to his teenage son about to go to College, Michael Black therefore takes the more than welcome opportunity to provide insight to boys as to what constitute consent and respecting women’s boundaries (no guys, women are not ‘a mystery’; they’re actually pretty simple to understand, and it all boils down to respect and decency… duh!). Traditional manhood, then, surely contains its fair share of ‘toxic’ behaviours that we all have to face. Does it mean, though, that masculinity itself is ‘toxic’?

He doesn’t think so. He argues, on the contrary, that the traits we’ve been traditionally associating with manhood (strength, courage, independence, discipline) ought to be encouraged, for they’re the seed to a strong and positive character. It’s a fair point, but, personally, I think it’s (a tat) missing the mark. Indeed, I personally think that, first and foremost, such traits are no longer considered specifically ‘masculine’ (they never were; socialisation and the patriarchal model had boxed us all into such narrow labels – something he doesn’t deny, to be fair- and women are no less aggressive or violent than men are empathetic and nurturing). Then, because the issue is not such traits per se but how they are interpreted, and, so, how they translate into our behaviours. He, himself, acknowledges just that, by debunking a few assumptions surrounding what a man should be -you can be vulnerable without being weak; strength is about resilience more than it should be about violence and aggression; and independence shouldn’t mean staunch individualism negating others. I agree on all points.

So, upon closing such welcome reflections, what is it all about?

All in all, it’s a book about love. It’s about the love of a dad for his son, and an affirmation that men can be loved too for being men -we’re not all potential rapists and murderers finding meaning and identity in violence! We’re more than that, and we deserve to be perceived as more than that. Amen! There’s surely something terribly wrong with the way we still socialise men, but it belongs to us all to change that for the better. Everything starts at home, after all.

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

There’s been a lot of talk about toxic masculinity in the past few years, but I hadn’t heard too much on the topic from the male perspective. Michael Ian Black’s book is written as a letter to his teenage son soon off to college. It’s filled with lessons Black has learned over the years (as a young man all the way up to his time as a father) and the knowledge he hopes to impart to his son before he sets off on the road to becoming a man.

I’ve been a fan of Black’s comedy for a long time (I loved that show “Stella” that was on back in the day), so I was interested to see how he would tackle such a serious topic as the way we’re raising our young men. But I found that he struck the perfect blend between seriousness (since the topic is rife with emotion) and humor so that it doesn’t read as an overwhelmingly sober book. I figured out right away that this wouldn’t be told with a focus on humor though – the first chapter explains how Black felt when he learned about the nearby elementary school shooting at Sandy Hook.

From there, Black delves with a great amount of honesty into his own story, especially what it was like to lose his father at a young age. He never shies away from aspects of his story that might not paint him in the best light (since teenage boys and young men do a lot of kinda foolish things). I appreciated that everything Black described was coming from a place of love – he truly wants his son to understand how complicated the world is and to grow from that place. And even for a white male, he wants him to know there are many pitfalls to be aware of in adulthood.

I felt more hope after reading this book. It made me feel like there just might be fathers out there who will raise their boys with empathy and openness, who will teach their boys the importance of consent, and who will caution them against turning a blind eye to their own privilege. I hope that other fathers (and mothers too) will read this book and find inspiration that can help drive them towards raising future generations that will populate our world with caring and kind individuals.

*Free ARC provided by Netgalley and Algonquin Books in exchange for an honest review*

[Dawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Better Man touches on so many crucial topics: gun violence, toxic masculinity, privilege, racism, sexism, gender, empathy, and more.

It’s so important for boys and men to know that playing sports, driving trucks, and/or having big muscles doesn't equate to strength and manhood. Strength, and manhood, comes in many forms: wisdom, courage, honesty, temperance, humanity, etc. They need to know that showing kindness and empathy is not a weakness, but a strength. No matter who you are, be your authentic best self, not what the old 'societal norms' dictate.

Thank you @algonguinbooks and @michaelianblack for my review copy.

[Mohammad · Rating 4 out of 5]

جزو کتبی که به زبان اصلی خواندم و مثل همیشه تجربه جالبی بود؛ امیدوارم اشتباهات زیادی توی فهم مطالب نداشته بوده باشم

[Christie Pardee · Rating 5 out of 5]

How can the same man who made me cry from laughter in my teen years now make me cry from bittersweet parental moments? We are all old.

[Jillian · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thanks to Netgalley and Algonquin books for the arc and physical book in exchange for an honest review.

I am not familiar with this comedian because I’m not a big fan of tv/movies and I just have never noticed him. However, the premise of this book interested me: a man writing a letter to his son about how to be a better man.

I don’t have or want kids, but I like the idea of trying to do something beyond the masculine gender role that is tired, old and just makes people unhappy. I like that the author gave advice about how to be the kind of person you want to be, regardless of if it fits in the gender role.

I thought this book was well done.

[Joni McNeal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quite possibly one of the best parenting books I’ve read with everything from feminism to racism.

[Ryan B. · Rating 1 out of 5]

It’s hard for me to give a low rating for a passion project from another father to his son. I just had something very different in mind with this title. I struggled to accept the extent of the proselytising. It all came from a good place and mostly sound arguments, it just loses some of the message with such a flurry of awkward conversations combined with an untamed word count. Maybe the secret to sharing how to be a better man is to cut the sanctimony, and just highlight the many conflicting questions we encounter, which keep all us men from being the best we can be.

[Dave · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is less a linear book and more a collection of essays that examine the same ideas from a range of perspectives. As such, there is a lot of redoubling over the same material, which makes me feel that it might be better suited for a series of articles in the Atlantic. Still, there is some fantastic, emotionally moving writing here that will make your heart overflow with love and warmth. It was a joy to read, even if it was a bit repetitive. I recommend it.

[Bryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Should be required reading for males, particularly white males.

I’ve been a fan of Michael Ian Black since The State, and seeing him so open and vulnerable in this book was an unexpected left turn in the best way.

[Joseph Jammal · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very kind book.

[Dedra ~ A Book Wanderer · Rating 5 out of 5]

(All quotes are taken from an advance reader’s copy and are subject to change in the final print.)

I wasn’t prepared to be as moved by Michael Ian Black’s A Better Man as I was. It’s a book about masculinity written from a father to his son before he leaves for college. And I’m a woman. But I do have a son who’s a teenager. And I struggle every day with how to raise my kids to be more aware of our privilege, to be an ally and not a hindrance.

I found myself marking page after page in this book. I devoured it in one day, finding myself laughing at some passages and in tears by the ending. In this combative climate, when friends and family are on opposing sides of the battle lines that have been drawn, one can start to feel like they’re screaming into a void. Reading A Better Man was educational, enlightening, and reassuring. Black broke down complex issues by looking at their origins, using examples from his own life and pop culture, and discussing them in a way that made them seem less daunting and more manageable. Hopeful.

He breaks down what it means to “be a man.” How American culture has repeatedly continued to send mixed signals to our sons. “…while men are meant to be stoic and quiet, boys are meant to be boisterous and loud.” He also points out that while boys are told to “be a man” girls are never told to “be a woman.”

Black takes a look at how we as a society have arrived in this toxic environment, he acknowledges that the bulk of healing rests on the shoulders of our children. At some point we have to allow them to teach us, acknowledge our mistakes, and embrace change.

“I’m encouraging you to look for the stuff that makes you uncomfortable because that’s the stuff that will end up mattering the most. Allow yourself to be frightened, to flounder around, and to fail. Let yourself lose control, reach out, let others pull you up. The ones who do will be your people. Find your people.”

Black tackles everything from gun violence, racism, and consent, to more personal issues like grief, friendship, and love. His advice for his son (and the rest of us) is honest, humble, and loving.

And his words on privilege as a white man are so simple but so true:

“You may feel it’s not your responsibility to fix what you did not break. That may be true to a certain extent, but I also think when you do not make an effort to fix what you know to be broken, you are actively making things worse for everybody else…. Moreover, selfishness won’t set you free from your obligations. It may forestall them, but you cannot escape your own humanity. At some point, you will have to figure out how you want to handle your responsibilities to other people.”

Black has written a book to his son on how to be a better man, but really it’s a book for all Americans on how to be a better human.

Thank you to the publisher, Algonquin Books, and Netgalley for an advanced reader copy!

Full review available at abookwanderer.com

[Arianna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't think I would have read this if it weren't for it being by Michael Ian Black. (I was a huge The State fan in high school.) But I'm glad I saw this ARC, and while I know it's long since been published, I'm glad I finished reading it. It was a slow read for me, but worth it - MIB had a lot of important things to say. I felt that a few times he didn't follow through on his thoughts, or maybe it was just that he didn't say what I thought he'd say or I didn't follow exactly what he was trying to convey, but regardless, I'm so glad this book is out there for men and boys to see. I think it's worth the read for any father, and any MAN. Thinking back, MIB did feel sort of smug and distanced even in his State characters, so it was fascinating to see his recognition of that period of his life and then his growth out of it. I think many men could use this sort of self-reflection.

(Of course, it wouldn't be Michael Ian Black without some jokes thrown in the mix, too, and he definitely made me laugh several times.)

I do wonder whether he'll write another for his daughter when she leaves for college. (I'd definitely read it!)

[Jaclyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written to his college-bound son, Michael Ian Black writes a missive that highlights his personal hopes for his son as he enters adulthood in a culture that has pigeonholed men and manhood to an extent that is potentially damaging to men and those around them. Black is aware of his own privilege as a white, heterosexual man of some wealth and renown and is honest with his son and the reader about how this shapes his own experience as a man and that of his son. As someone who is not a man and is not raising any boys or men I still found it worth reading. Truly, as a youth services librarian I would much rather see this book on our high school summer reading lists than some of the underwhelming titles we see. It is deep and insightful but highly readable. From this book it is clear that Black wants his son to be and thrive as a whole person, something he and all of us should want for the boys and men in our lives. I passed this on to my dad. Get this for any man or boy in your life or anyone raising one. Comes out in September. (I'd also like to note that as an object this book is the perfect trim size and I won't accept other opinions on the matter.)

[Samantha Hafner · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a parent of a young boy, so many of Black's thoughts on what it means to raise a good person, a good man struck a nerve. I appreciated the reflection, introspection woven throughout the book in his stories about his own childhood, acknowledging his privilege and also his own misfortune. Discussing success and failure, and what all of this means in terms of being a man in our society. It helped that I am very much in line with the author's political, moral, and religious views expressed in the book, and I can see how someone on the other end of the spectrum might be turned off by some of the sections, but I didn't find any of his opinions to be "in your face", but genuinely sharing in the way a father would share with his son. I deeply appreciated the sentiment of this book and only hope that we can have such open, honest, and loving conversations with our son as he grows.

[Patrick Book · Rating 5 out of 5]

I identify with so much of Black’s experience and perspective. For those not tuned in to his more philosophical, analytical, sincere career turn of late, it may come as a surprise to see the level of earnestness presented here. But this is a topic that warrants sincerity and seriousness. Men, white men, are fucking shit up worse than ever. Black has some insight into why and how we can fix it, though he’s as realistic as possible about the futility of such an effort on a grand scale. Smart and insightful - maybe more so than most people would give him credit for - this is worth a read for any man trying to do better or trying to raise a better next generation. If I know you and you have a kid, prepare to get a copy.

[Dana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an important book for our current moment. I found it helpful to understand the messages men receive about how to be “correctly” masculine, and I think we can lay many of our current societal problems at the feet of these dangerous messages. Readers looking for Black’s characteristic humor will find the subtitle accurate: the book is mostly serious, and I really appreciated the vulnerability and honesty of its seriousness. The book serves as a contemplative memoir, a poignant letter of love and advice, and a meditation on our world. I walked away from it feeling that Michael Ian Black is a good husband, father, and most of all, a good man.

My full review is up at my blog.

[Luke Southard · Rating 3 out of 5]

A couple things:

1) I appreciate the nuanced take on fatherhood. I don’t agree with everything that Black says, but you can tell that he spent a lot of time thinking things through and trying his absolute damndest to think up his best possible option and I appreciate the logic to his thoughts rather than “this is just how it is.”

2) He documents the origin of the saying “self-made man,” and it’s VERY interesting. It was said by a guy in Kentucky when explaining why American factories would be more successful than British ones (water power and labor costs). The labor costs eluded to was slave labor specifically. So “self-made man,” has ALWAYS been a myth.

It’s super important to realize that we all - every one of us - owe debts to other people in a society in one way or another.

He goes on to talk about how men are obsessed with the idea of the unnamed gunslinger rolling into a town, saving it from bandits, and rolling out - nothing owed, nothing paid.

But that’s not how anything works.

ALSO, I want to hang on to this gunslinger thing for a second because it’s a pretty common story showcasing masculinity. There are a ton of stories with the badass antihero, but I think people are pulling different things from the stories.

My mom told me all sorts of stories as a kid and we watched movies and *I* always got the vibe that a real man just took care of the people around them. A real man sought justice for everyone! And sometimes it took risks.

So I think when people latch onto the violence aspect of manhood, I just keep thinking “I don’t think that’s the point.”

Don’t get me wrong, violence puts asses in seats, but I’ve never thought “violence = manhood.”

3) Tom Papa (who did not write this book) has two specials on Netflix (or did, anyway). They’re night and day from each other. It’s crazy to watch them together. Its like Papa had a huge revelation and changed every single fiber of his very BEING.

I mean, realistically it was probably a satirical character made as a mirror for the changes in societal values, but I kind of hope not. I like the new Papa much more.

Similarly, Black was a constant on VH1’s “I love the XX’s” (pick a decade) with deadpan sarcasm, but this was just an exaggeration of his own personality, developed from decades of being told men don’t feel things, aren’t sensitive, aren’t empathic, etc. He wasn’t happy and he changed everything about himself to become a person more in line with what he wanted to be and I’m proud of him.

4) There’s an interesting part about what makes a man a man (nobody knows, but everyone knows what DOESN’T make a man. There’s a sliding scale of macho. Tea Vs coffee. Whiskey Vs Appletini. Sweet Vs Bitter) and people love to call people to task about not being a “real” man.

The measures of manliness have always been arbitrary and external. It’s a moving target. But dudes are constantly told to be a man. To be MORE of a man. To man up.

If the measures of manliness are shaky (at best) and your value as a person is tied specifically to your sex, it can’t be super shocking when a thing such as fragile masculinity exists, right?

Also, I understand that women’s values are often strongly tied to their sex as well, but the values are a little more solid (if ridiculous).

In our house, we have a saying: “we’re too punk rock for that.” Knowledge of self is critical and Kimberlee and I try our hardest to raise kids who are, really, only charged with not being dicks.

I say this because this should be the goal of everyone. We should be supportive and encouraging, but not the point of senseless indulgence. Sometimes bullies need to be fought. But more often than not, we need to be more sensitive to others.

So I’m trying not to raise my kids to be more or a man or whatever - I’m just trying not to raise dicks. I emphasize the unnecessariness of caving to societal whims - especially when they dehumanize someone and make them feel like less of a person - because we’re too punk rock for that.

Be yourself, but be the best version of yourself. Be the caring version of yourself. The version who cares about the people around you. Be aware of your debts to society.

But also realize that the ideas of what makes a man a man or even what makes a woman a woman are being imposed on you by a society wishing to control your actions and give you boxes to live your life in. It’s important to realize if you stop worrying so much about being the man society wants you to be, you’re free to be the PERSON you WANT to be.

Because this review is never going to end, I’ll include a small story and the first time I ever said “I’m too punk rock for that:”

After Basic Training, most of the dudes around me were hopped up on the idea that we had all transitioned from boys to men (when I would probably argue that we had transitioned from boys to boys who were trained on how to handle weapons and operate in groups better) and we moved on to Tech School.

I went to the BX with my friends for supplies - soap, shampoo, toothpaste, etc - and they all bought body washes in manly scents. I chose something else, probably either a cucumber melon or a more fall-themed soap.

The dudes laughed their butts off because that wasn’t what men used.

I said I wanted to smell good TO ME, not them, and if they think my manliness is dictated by the soap I use, then they’re fucking idiots.

“I’m too punk rock for that,” I said.

And I’ll tell you, being self-aware about what you want and not caving to bullshit like that really does take a load off your mind.

Give it a shot.

[Jason Harber · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really was wonderful. I was recently talking to a friend about fatherhood, and finding it difficult to put into words all of the things I feel about myself and for my family as a father. Mr. Black’s book really gave me some clarity and challenged me to think deeper about my role as a father and my experience as a son.

[Samantha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a really lovely book and I hope more young men find it and within it, the words that maybe they needed to hear. We went on a little journey into what we're generally taught masculinity is, maybe how we've gotten there, and then Black gives his perspective having grown up under those rules, but finding that perhaps the opposite was true. He shares those lessons with his son and the rest of us.

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my all time favorite books I’ve read/listened to. As a parent of a son, I think it’s invaluable conversations and even better read by Michael Ian Black himself. I am so grateful to him for this his raw honesty about the realities of being a man in a culture that defines masculinity in extremely narrow terms. Love love love.

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won this book as a goodreads giveaway!

I absolutely adored this book. It was honest, smart, and well-written.

A must read for anyone raising a man :)