The Testosterone Files: My Hormonal and Social Transformation from Female to Male

by Max Wolf Valerio

Max Wolf Valerio crafts a raw, gripping, and poetic account of life before, during, and after injecting testosterone. Valerio's detailed observations about a lesbian transitioning from female to a heterosexual male highlights the physical and emotional differences between women and men, and alternately challenges and confirms readers' assumptions about gender. Valerio presents his story in three the height of his transition, in which he witnesses his own increased energy and sex drive while struggling with gaining confidence in his male self and bearing witness to his own demise as a woman; life before testosterone, when as Anita, a self-identified lesbian out for fourteen years, he confronts startling moments of awareness of a deeper, earlier dream of who he really is; and life after testosterone, when the experience of living in the world as a man is at once a homecoming and a confirmation that male behavior is at least partly rooted in biology.  The Testosterone Files addresses the most fundamental issues of transitioning, from buying men's underwear to choosing a male name, as well as the profound subjects of male privilege, physical power, and existing as a male who was once distrustful and critical of men's intentions.  Valerio's honest and forthcoming opinions on gender, identity, and self-perception comprise the core of this intensely personal and absorbing narrative which grapples with the tough and complex issues that emerge in a world whose assumptions about gender binaries are being increasingly challenged as more people openly self-define across the gender spectrum.

Genres: Transgender, Queer, Nonfiction, Memoir, LGBT, Gender, Biography

352 pages, Paperback

First published April 13, 2006

About the author

Max Wolf Valerio is a poet, memoir writer, essayist and actor. He has lived for many years in San Francisco, California. Valerio described his transition and experiences as a trans man in the 2006 memoir The Testosterone Files.

Reviews

[Ocean · Rating 3 out of 5]

i can totally see why so many people hate this book. i can also see why so many people love it.

PROS:
*lyrically written
*occasionally really funny
*probably the best-written & most personable book on trans issues i've read so far
*engaging, especially the first half
*i am a sucker for autobios of countercultural people. this made me want to take a time machine to 1980's san francisco really badly!

CONS:
*he says some really fucked up shit about women. (and he could NEVER have gotten away with saying this stuff in a feminist-press-published book if he wasn't trans. just sayin'.). it was perhaps honest, but it made me really uncomfy at spots, and kind of made me hate men more than i already do.
*this could have been at least 25% shorter. the ending REALLY drags.

[Zoen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I related with so much of this book, and am surprised at how long it took me to read this, based on the reviews I'd read previously. Coming from a similar background as Max, I have begun to understand myself even better through his wonderfully expressive words. I nodded many times while reading this, disagreed minimally, and had several epiphanies while processing this information. Though I did not have the same level of aggression as he experienced, I realize this is his authentic experience which he has openly shared with us. My rating is not based on whether I would hang out with the guy, it's a well written book that delivers its promise to tell you of the experience of one transexual man. His words are sewn together like a true poet, painting a vivid picture of the silvers of his life he chose to share in these pages. Hearing the inner dialogue of his thoughts as he transitioned, it sounded similar to things I have thought throughout mine, some of which I was too uncertain to say aloud. It is reaffirming to see that I am not the only one. Thank you, Max, for sharing this intimate experience.

Loads of reviewers took issue with things he said in the course of this book - choosing tiny moments to capture and even misquote. I read one review the other day that quoted him as saying that "if I had a penis, I'd rape!" - NOWHERE in the book that I read did he say that, instead, he actually said "I WOULD NOT rape." and "It is wrong too rape." I took his thoughts on this topic to be the musings of a transman trying to make sense of a senseless act through his experience with testosterone, coming from a feminist background, and now having something, even a sliver of relating to a very different sex drive. I also read that someone was upset about his descriptions of the differences between women and men, and also upset that he said he preferred the simplicity of the binary "male" to all the ambiguous labels (I'm paraphrasing) - I'm sorry - there's nothing anyone can do to quell all the sensitivities and triggers out there. If you've put off reading this because of similar reviews, my advice is, read this book with the mind that you are reading someone ELSE'S experiences and inner dialogues: not your own.

[Diana Coe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Max Valerio captures the universal theme that runs through the many stories I've heard from so many transmen, including my own boyfriend. As a poet, his prose is sometimes lyrical. He contemplates the vivid outlines of the lemon tree just outside his basement apartment. At other times, the force of his words punch you in the chest with the aggression and pent-up energy he has experienced on his journey to becoming the man he was meant to be.

Like many transgendered people, Max was betrayed by his own body. Expecting to grow up into a man, he had to readjust his thinking — learn to accept the fact that he was, at least biologically, female. In the early eighties, when gender reassignment was utterly taboo, Anita Valerio—lesbian feminist— decided to correct the biological imbalance that made her a genetic woman.

Valerio details the long and arduous path to manhood. He recounts, not only the physical changes that take place, but the wild range of emotions as well. Most notably, he talks about aggression. His own, which wells inside of him and spills over like Victoria Falls—rushing, booming, loud. Max recounts the initiation rites, the rites of passage, that he endured once he was fully recognized as a man in society.

His writing is raw and honest. He admits to characteristics that developed that one may not necessarily be proud of. Dangerous, dark instincts that some sense of right or restraint or that pale shadow of female upbringing kept him from acting upon. Maximilian Wolf Valerio gives insight into the little known world of transitioning one's gender through hormone therapy. When it would be easier to be stealth, he came forward and opened a door to let in some light.

A light that helps not just me, but other partners of transmen, get a better understanding of the battle between waning estrogen and the rush of testosterone. I am forever an admirer.

[Saturn · Rating 1 out of 5]

There's something unsettlingly misogynistic about a lot of his views. And as someone who has also taken testosterone for several years, Valerio seems to have fallen into the trap of linking everything to him taking testosterone which I feel very off-putting. I don't think people who are considering taking testosterone want to hear someone say that they openly objectify women because of testosterone when that's not particularly a thing with a lot of trans men I know. Sure, taking it changes you, but his accounts seem extreme at best

Overall, the writing itself is beautiful, but the content is honestly a lot of garbage with only a few redeeming moments

[CaseyTheCanadianLesbrarian · Rating 1 out of 5]

There's a justification of rape in this book that is completely unacceptable.

[McKenzie Richardson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am still not entirely sure how I feel about this book. I really like that the author was so open about his life regarding a topic that a lot of people discourage or are uncomfortable with. I admire his bravery and the hardships that he faced along his journey to become his true self.

However, a lot of the remarks he made about women came off as... really creepy. There is no other way to put it. At one point, he describes the thrill of a woman crossing the street because she is scared of him when she sees him alone on the deserted street. While I understand that Valerio takes this as a representation of manhood, the pleasure he feels in inadvertently making a woman feel uncomfortable in public makes me actually grimace. I think this book does some great things for trans people, but does horrible things for stereotypes of men and what masculinity means. He seemed to blame a lot of sexist behaviors and beliefs on the increasing testosterone, which I felt was a cop out.

This book made me more interested in the topic as a whole and has inspired me to read other memoirs from trans authors. I think there are better ones than this, so if you are interested in the topic, I would suggest starting with a different book.

[Sadie Forsythe]

I had a hard time accepting some of it. There were several times that Valerio linked a feeling or behavior to his hormonal changes that I believed could still be behaviorally/socially mediated. I acknowledge that this could easily be my inability to let go of my own worldview however, but it still posed a challenge. I thought it an interesting read all the same.

Edit: I see a number of people stating in their reviews that this book includes a justification of rape. I think this is a shallow and reactive interpretation of the subject matter. I know the part they are referring to. It was a painfully honest, blunt discussion of the subject, but I do not believe Valerio intended it to justify rape. Admitting feelings and impulses is not the same thing as condoning actions based on them and I think conflating the two discourages honest discussion of such subjects. It the same as insisting that if we never admit to somethings existence then it doesn't actually exist. That elephant is still in the room, even if we studiously never mention it.

[Fer · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has aged pretty poorly and I would not recommend it as a primer for a guy considering/early in transition, or for non-trans people who want to read about the trans male experience. For a more educational, realistic, politically sensitive resource I would still recommend the first FTM book I read, Becoming A Visible Man by Jamison Green.

I suspect that some of this is exaggerated, even if Max Valerio really believes it himself. There are other things that if I had not experienced them myself I would think he was also making up (like not being able to cry after a few months on Testosterone, or receiving more hostility from strangers in public). A lot of his opinions remind me of the ones I held when I was pre- and early into transition. The misogyny and essentialism he touts is dangerous. He seems to take pride in being as sexist as the typical cis man tends to be. Thus I moreso enjoyed the book for its readability and references to other trans male figures like Lou Sullivan and Pat Califia, both of whom I would also recommend reading rather than The Testosterone Files.

[Bart · Rating 1 out of 5]

The Testosterone Files was a load of misogynist clap trap, male privilige overload. Max Wolf Valerio writes that how after he started T, he had desires to rape women (and wonders why there isn't more rape) and found pleasure in scaring women. Of course, he reminds himself that having these feelings is wrong. Yea. The only refreshing part is when Valerio's partner suggests that just because Valerio was a lesbian-feminist does not mean he still is. Disappointingly printed on Seal Press.

[Aaron · Rating 3 out of 5]

My reaction to this book was very mixed. I did not like the author and didn't like spending time with him in the book; I don't think he's someone I'd like to know in person. He has some personality traits, interests, and perspectives that I don't appreciate or agree with. The book was very well-written and even poetic at times. Some of his experience resonated with me quite strongly, while some of it was quite foreign and even off-putting. I'm glad I read it, but don't think I'd recommend it to anyone else or ever want to read it again.

[Danni Green · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had a really complicated time with this book! I loved a lot of it. I loved the narration style and how it shifted tone as the story moved back and forth from inside the narrator's head to outside in the world he experienced. I loved the extensive detail in his descriptions. He does a lot of objectifying women, though, and while on one level it was insightful to read about how he objectifies women in such first-person detail, it was also...really gross and uncomfortable at times. It was absolutely a worthwhile read, but definitely brace yourself for the sexism.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a major proponent of reading books from different perspectives. As a cis woman, it's hard to imagine being anyone else - but Valerio successfully narrates the feeling of being in the wrong body and wanting/needing to fully become a man. The book is graphic; he doesn't shy away from topics like sex or genitalia, but it makes for a more well-rounded understanding of the transition. There are parts where Valerio makes questionable statements about women and feminism. I can appreciate his honesty and bluntness, but I do believe those were written at face value without a comprehensive analysis. I also believe he should have further clarified certain broad statements as being part of his experience rather than seemingly factual.

Overall, if you are interested in reading about a transgendered person's very personal experience, I would recommend this book.

[Gayle Pitman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was engaging and unnerving at the same time. The Testosterone Files details Max Wolf Valerio's gender transition and early experience with testosterone. On T, Valerio experienced powerful changes to his body, but was somewhat unprepared for the impact T had on his thoughts, perceptions, and day-to-day experiences.

Valerio's writing is poetic and lyrical, with a raw and edgy quality. It reads almost like poetry. Moreover, his writing is brazenly honest, to the point of being uncomfortable. That said, I value the deep level of honesty. If this were a sanitized and politically correct account of Valerio's transition, I would have found it wholly uninteresting.

The reason I gave The Testosterone Files four instead of five stars is that I wanted to hear more about the experience of being an active lesbian feminist of color and subsequently going through a gender transition. Valerio writes extensively about his experiences in the San Francisco Mission District '80s anarchist counterculture, but includes little about his shift from lesbian feminism. Valerio (when he was Anita) wrote a piece for the landmark anthology This Bridge Called My Back, then wrote a piece as Max in the follow-up anthology This Bridge We Call Home. I find that whole experience fascinating, and would have liked to have read more about it.

[Berg · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had strong, mixed reactions to this memoir. This book was beautifully written and thought-provoking. It gave me insight to transexual experience, especially that of someone transitioning from the life of a lesbian feminist to that of a transexual. However, it offered me limited insight into differences between men and women based on hormonal differences. While I appreciate Valerio's candid perspective on embracing his experience of masculinity and male body, I don't appreciate that he positions himself as an authority on male/female differences. His perspective is clearly informed by his experience of disempowerment and disembodiment as a women, and consequently I found many of his descriptions of women's bodies and hormones belittling. His desire to become fully male and take pride in his new state also lends way to some ugly empathy for sexist behavior. The Testosterone Files lacks a sense of cultural context, and Max often takes for granted that his intuitive expression of masculinity must be hormonally based, when it is clearly situated in a Western, American context. Stunning as a memoir, this book would be a bit disturbing if taken as an authoritative piece on the sex and gender divide.

[Emma · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was not at all what I expected. The beginning was interesting and the book as a whole did offer some interesting insights but the entirety of the middle of this book was quite disturbing and much too drawn out. He spent chapters upon chapters talking about the objectification of women, about how he personally was objectifying them, all the while coming alarmingly close to justifying rape. Even though I can see why he would have wanted to include how he was transitioning mentally in addition to physically/socially, this portion, specifically the objectification/rape justification could have been summed up in a paragraph if it was determined that it really needed to be included. It felt like justification to the "boys will be boys" and "they just can't help it" mantra which was rather disappointing. I wouldn't recommend this to a friend, nor would I re-read it.

[Caty · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd like to add, upon finishing the book, that I adored its very observant and unjudgemental tone. Very refreshing. (Though Valerio is never uncritical.) I do have to say that I disagree vehemently with the pro gender binary sentiment at the end of the first part of the acknowledgements. It's basically genderqueer marginalizing bullshit that I think Valerio should qualify and personalize.
**
Fast forwarding through the book eagerly. Valerio is uncritical of the gender binary at times, and sometimes verges on the sociobiological, but there's no denying the urgency of his prose, his groundbreaking status as one of the first out trans man public figures, and the raw immediacy of his memoir.

[Paige · Rating 1 out of 5]

I've been putting off writing this review for awhile because it's a hard thing to talk about. There's a problematic rape part that is not in any way alright and there's also some really negative things stated about women throughout the book. While I did find some of the book enlightening to the experience of transitioning it's very much a marked by it's time and I can only hope that things are moving forward in a positive direction where no one would ever think those things are okay to think about rape and they certainly shouldn't feel alright writing them and publishing them. Morally I just can't condone it.

[Akiva ꙮ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty mixed feelings about this. He's a great writer, but I just don't buy his premise that T made his politics and beliefs about women's rights change all on its own.... I'm sure he wants to believe that. Towards the end he makes his first motions towards "Hmm, maybe I shouldn't indulge every manly impulse I have, T or not. Maybe some of them aren't acceptable no matter where they come from." So there's that.

[Alex West · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's hard to review the book from a literature standpoint, though it was well-written, as other reviewers have said. When I saw that Michelle Tea endorsed this book, I had certain expectations, which were all shattered based on Valerio's chauvinistic and misogynistic opinions.

[butterbook · Rating 2 out of 5]

overall good and worth the read, although many, many conclusions were had that caused me to cringe in disagreement.

[Keaton]

first day of class on this book
someone: there's just some... weird vibes?
instructor: well he DID turn out to be a republican
everybody, immediately: *various noises of understanding*

[Laura Carew · Rating 1 out of 5]

absolutely disgusting. i’m convinced that valerio wrote this book as an excuse to be a complete asshole, a completely disgusting excuse for a human being.

the way that he demonizes and vilifies women, the way he blatantly objectifies them…horrific. he talks about experiencing a thrill from realizing that women on the street are afraid of him.

here’s more:

— “this lesbian needs a dick and i am just the guy to give it to her…i convert her to heterosexuality.” page 104

— “‘i think that the whole antisex orientation of our society is basically manipulated by female interests.” page 200

— “i have to hold myself back to keep from touching her. a sheer effort of will, i grit mg teeth. i want to fuck her so bad, grab her and throw her down on the floor and fuck her so hard she aches for days.” page 229

— “no wonder guys lose it sometimes, i think. how can they not? […] my god, if this is how men feel, how come they don’t rape more often? rape and plunder. take.” page 229

— “it is wrong to rape. […] even so, i understand now the force of will it can take to keep from running wild with these feelings, the temptations.” page 229

— “i might do it, i could rape a woman. maybe i couldn’t control myself.” page 230

[Gabriella Vegvari · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very interesting and informative read. Graphic in places because this man is determined to lay out his journey of transition from female to male in an honest, no-holding-back manner. It's a fine line between wry humour and true pathos when he realizes that he spent over 10 years of his life convinced he was a lesbian yet knowing that didn't "feel right" either. One passage really jumped out at me:

"Now that I'm Max, I see that this rift, this fundamental chasm between men and women's perceptions and experience of sexuality, is one that may never be bridged. There certainly can be no hope for understanding as long as society pretends than men and women are really the same, that the culture of male sexuality is simply a conflation of misogyny and dysfunction. That the male libido is shaped and driven primarily by socialization, that it can be legislated or 'psychobabbled' out of existence."

I think if anyone has the right to draw that conclusion it's someone who has experienced the best and worst of what estrogen and testosterone have to offer.

[Jake Greenhalgh · Rating 4 out of 5]

This would be an excellent read if it wasn't so awfully problematic (the author's constant sexualisation of women is so gross).

[Benjamin · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was an interesting view into the behavior of a male under the influence of testosterone without having grown up understanding the expectations of men in society.

[April Carlson · Rating 5 out of 5]

this gave me a better perspective on why some women want to be men.

[Winter Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing word choice, language, and insight into gender variance, spirituality, and societal roles. Also, it's got its sexy bites...just saying. I fell in love with Max Wolf and all his words.

[Kaytlyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Poetically written to the bone, raw life experience told with raw honesty and great humor. Lovely, fun, erotic. One of the best memoirs I've read.

[Kyle Somerville · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read in the bath

[lyle · Rating 3 out of 5]

this book is beautifully written. valerio’s choice of words and the way in which he describes the world is so in depth and imaginative. but, his actual thoughts on gender i disagree so heavily with that it genuinely makes reading some parts of this difficult. it’s a lot of really awful sexist gender essentialism, i think his descriptions of what it is to be a man might be accurate for some but it’s far from healthy. regardless, i think it was enlightening to look at what it is to be a man through the lens of someone like valerio but it still doesn’t make it any less frustrating to read. also the end kind of sucks, it felt like a really weak wrap up to everything but the rest of the book makes up for that bit of weakness. overall a solid read, it’s just not a great summary of what being ftm is like for a lot of transmen.