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Kill Me Quick
We’re all lying in the gutter, but some of us are staring at the spaces between the stars...
Seatown may not have a lot going for it – apart from the Roy Orbison lookalikes and Super Seventies Special every Thursday night, of course – but it is at least the place Mark Hammonds calls home. And after a decade away, it's the place he returns to when he has nowhere else to go.
From dead bikers to dodgy drug deals, from one downbeat bar to another, from strippers to gangsters and back again: the luckless former musician bounces from one misdeed to the next along with a litany of old acquaintances, almost as though he never left. And if only he can shake off everybody who wants to kill, maim or otherwise hurt him, maybe he could even think about staying.
After all, there’s no place like home, eh?
“Gritty, fast-paced and hilarious. The dialogue is full of sharp one liners and insightful asides, and the characters are all larger than life. An absurd story told with such finesse that even the most over-the-top scenes feel real. My guess is you'll read it in one sitting.” - SW Lauden (author of Bad Citizen Corporation andCrosswise)
“Dark and delicious... With ‘Kill Me Quick!’ the author has provided yet another delicious plate of cool cynicism, peppered with spicy dialogue and an inky black-humour sauce. Paul D. Brazill’s Seatown backdrop is luridly drawn; the characters are a blend of hopeless, scary and hilarious, while the verbal exchanges are as sharp and dry as glass of Northumberland moonshine on the rocks. The gritty darkness of the north-east has never been so much fun. Fabulous.” - Dominic Milne (author of Act of Contrition)
"Fahrenheit 13 have done an excellent job in assembling top quality novellas in this series and Paul Brazill's offering is no exception. They say home is where the heart is....if you're a character in a novella by Paul D. Brazill that heart will probably soon be removed and by a gangster with vicious intent! As always with this author's stories it's entertaining, witty and always a fun read. A great crime caper that is a steal at the price. Five stars." - Darren Sant (author of Dark Voices and various Radgepacket tales from the legendary Byker Books)
“A smart and insane ride through the underbelly of crime. Told with his characteristic punch, this is as gritty and as hard boiled as it gets and Brazill is a master at it. By turn humorous and captivating this will keep you guessing. A Noir novel textured with local culture and razor sharp dialogue. Highly Recommended.” - Richard Godwin (author of Wrong Crowd and Confessions of a Hitman)
“This novella is a crazy crime jukebox that takes in everything from crooners to croakers without missing a beat.... Get it. If you have anything like a sense of humour and a heart as black as the inside of a body bag, you’ll love it. Besides, best corpse disposal trick ever.” - Graham Wynd (author of Extricate and Satan's Sorority)
“The story winds tight as Hammond’s life unravels. Brazill uses his trademark wordplay and humour to add extra layers to the experience and manages to draw out laughs from the most uncomfortable situations. There’s also a vast soundtrack.... If I were to select a song to sum up this novella, Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll would be my pick and, if they’re elements you enjoy in your noir, this is the book for you. Terrific fun.” - Nigel Bird (author of Southsiders and Dirty Old Town & Other Stories)
“An oddball crime book with pitch black humor and wordplay while the out of luck lowlifes run from one unlucky event to the next.
Seatown may not have a lot going for it – apart from the Roy Orbison lookalikes and Super Seventies Special every Thursday night, of course – but it is at least the place Mark Hammonds calls home. And after a decade away, it's the place he returns to when he has nowhere else to go.
From dead bikers to dodgy drug deals, from one downbeat bar to another, from strippers to gangsters and back again: the luckless former musician bounces from one misdeed to the next along with a litany of old acquaintances, almost as though he never left. And if only he can shake off everybody who wants to kill, maim or otherwise hurt him, maybe he could even think about staying.
After all, there’s no place like home, eh?
“Gritty, fast-paced and hilarious. The dialogue is full of sharp one liners and insightful asides, and the characters are all larger than life. An absurd story told with such finesse that even the most over-the-top scenes feel real. My guess is you'll read it in one sitting.” - SW Lauden (author of Bad Citizen Corporation andCrosswise)
“Dark and delicious... With ‘Kill Me Quick!’ the author has provided yet another delicious plate of cool cynicism, peppered with spicy dialogue and an inky black-humour sauce. Paul D. Brazill’s Seatown backdrop is luridly drawn; the characters are a blend of hopeless, scary and hilarious, while the verbal exchanges are as sharp and dry as glass of Northumberland moonshine on the rocks. The gritty darkness of the north-east has never been so much fun. Fabulous.” - Dominic Milne (author of Act of Contrition)
"Fahrenheit 13 have done an excellent job in assembling top quality novellas in this series and Paul Brazill's offering is no exception. They say home is where the heart is....if you're a character in a novella by Paul D. Brazill that heart will probably soon be removed and by a gangster with vicious intent! As always with this author's stories it's entertaining, witty and always a fun read. A great crime caper that is a steal at the price. Five stars." - Darren Sant (author of Dark Voices and various Radgepacket tales from the legendary Byker Books)
“A smart and insane ride through the underbelly of crime. Told with his characteristic punch, this is as gritty and as hard boiled as it gets and Brazill is a master at it. By turn humorous and captivating this will keep you guessing. A Noir novel textured with local culture and razor sharp dialogue. Highly Recommended.” - Richard Godwin (author of Wrong Crowd and Confessions of a Hitman)
“This novella is a crazy crime jukebox that takes in everything from crooners to croakers without missing a beat.... Get it. If you have anything like a sense of humour and a heart as black as the inside of a body bag, you’ll love it. Besides, best corpse disposal trick ever.” - Graham Wynd (author of Extricate and Satan's Sorority)
“The story winds tight as Hammond’s life unravels. Brazill uses his trademark wordplay and humour to add extra layers to the experience and manages to draw out laughs from the most uncomfortable situations. There’s also a vast soundtrack.... If I were to select a song to sum up this novella, Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll would be my pick and, if they’re elements you enjoy in your noir, this is the book for you. Terrific fun.” - Nigel Bird (author of Southsiders and Dirty Old Town & Other Stories)
“An oddball crime book with pitch black humor and wordplay while the out of luck lowlifes run from one unlucky event to the next.
111 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 13, 2018
3 people are currently reading
21 people want to read
About the author
Paul D. Brazill
98 books172 followersPaul D. Brazill is the author of A Case Of Noir, Guns Of Brixton & Roman Dalton- Werewolf PI. He was born in England and lives in Poland.
He is an International Thriller Writers Inc member whose writing has been translated into Italian, Polish and Slovene.
He has had writing published in various magazines and anthologies, including The Mammoth Books of Best British Crime 8,10 and 11, alongside the likes of Ian Rankin, Neil Gaiman and Lee Child.
He edited the best- selling anthology True Brit Grit – with Luca Veste.
He is an International Thriller Writers Inc member whose writing has been translated into Italian, Polish and Slovene.
He has had writing published in various magazines and anthologies, including The Mammoth Books of Best British Crime 8,10 and 11, alongside the likes of Ian Rankin, Neil Gaiman and Lee Child.
He edited the best- selling anthology True Brit Grit – with Luca Veste.
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
January 6, 2017
Paul Danger Brazill is a writer's writer. Universally respected throughout the literary scene. He writes with a nostalgia that I haven't seen anywhere else, and up to now I haven't read a thing of his that, however short it may be, wasn't magnificent.
Kill Me Quick! is another fine addition to his arsenal.
Mark Hammonds is a former musician who'd achieved minor success with his band, but has hit hard (and mostly unsuccessfully criminal) times, returning to his home town, Seatown. Immediately on his return he is back in with his old friends, in his old haunts, doing his level best to remain as drunk as possible, living a quiet and easy life. Unfortunately for Mark, he just cant seem to stop stumbling into other people's trouble.
Brazill's USP is his ability to use his writing as a character in itself. It oozes sleazy personality and wit in every paragraph, every pun-filled comeback, and every criminal act. Where it works best is when he uses it against a backdrop of the lawless Seatown. It's like Sin City starring Sid James instead of Mickey Rourke. Kenneth Williams instead of Bruce Willis. It's Sid City. It sounds horrific? It's not, it's an absolute joy to behold.
Five very easy stars. Get it and read it.
Kill Me Quick! is another fine addition to his arsenal.
Mark Hammonds is a former musician who'd achieved minor success with his band, but has hit hard (and mostly unsuccessfully criminal) times, returning to his home town, Seatown. Immediately on his return he is back in with his old friends, in his old haunts, doing his level best to remain as drunk as possible, living a quiet and easy life. Unfortunately for Mark, he just cant seem to stop stumbling into other people's trouble.
Brazill's USP is his ability to use his writing as a character in itself. It oozes sleazy personality and wit in every paragraph, every pun-filled comeback, and every criminal act. Where it works best is when he uses it against a backdrop of the lawless Seatown. It's like Sin City starring Sid James instead of Mickey Rourke. Kenneth Williams instead of Bruce Willis. It's Sid City. It sounds horrific? It's not, it's an absolute joy to behold.
Five very easy stars. Get it and read it.
February 6, 2017
You can always rely on Paul Brazill for a nifty turn of phrase, a superb one-liner, or a nice piece of description. He also delivers cool plots and memorable characters and Kill Me Quick is no exception. When an ageing two-hit wonder musician gets his hand busted in London he returns home to a seedy town on the northeast coast (basically Hartlepool in everything but name) and gets caught up in all manner of nefarious hijinks. It's short tale with plenty of meat on its bones and more entertainment per page than many writers in an entire book. If you haven't read Brazill yet then what the hell are you waiting for. A cracking comic thriller from a master of the form.
December 13, 2015
I got a pre-release ARC of this book, but that doesn’t affect my review because you already know that I’m a sucker for Brazill’s stories and their perfect mix of mordant humour and crazy crime shenanigans. I’m glad to see a return to Seatown, one of my favourite locations. The seedy seaside town has seen better days, but things keep hopping for the wild whirl of criminals, lowlifes, lawless looters and even musicians there.
This novella is a crazy crime jukebox that takes in everything from crooners to croakers without missing a beat. The soundtrack of Seatown touches on its once great era then follows as it slips down to the end of its rope, lurching last drunken dance at your cousin’s wedding.
Bass player Mark Hammonds starts off in a bad place — thugs crushing his playing hand — then things get much worse as the story belts along. They also get more crazy. Pubs, clubs, hotels and caravans: around every corner lurk more problems for the luckless bassist. Like a lot of Brazill’s down-on-their-luck characters, you find yourself rooting for him despite his self-destructive plunges into disaster, but you’re not too sure he can survive.
Get it. If you have anything like a sense of humour and a heart as black as the inside of a body bag, you’ll love it. Besides, best corpse disposal trick ever (pity it’s only once a year).
Some bon mots:
‘It was glittery enough to host a glam rock revival and the loud ’80s pop they played was so cheesy you could use it to top a pizza.’
‘A red-faced man in a shiny supermarket suit shuffled beside him, nodding like one of those toy dogs everyone’s dad used to have in the back of their cars in the ’70s.’
‘Specks of dust floated in the shard of sunlight that sliced through the broken slat and spotlit a pool of blood at Mark Hammonds’ feet.’
‘There was a flash of lightning, a crack of thunder, and a storm gouged the sky open, battering them with rain.’
This novella is a crazy crime jukebox that takes in everything from crooners to croakers without missing a beat. The soundtrack of Seatown touches on its once great era then follows as it slips down to the end of its rope, lurching last drunken dance at your cousin’s wedding.
Bass player Mark Hammonds starts off in a bad place — thugs crushing his playing hand — then things get much worse as the story belts along. They also get more crazy. Pubs, clubs, hotels and caravans: around every corner lurk more problems for the luckless bassist. Like a lot of Brazill’s down-on-their-luck characters, you find yourself rooting for him despite his self-destructive plunges into disaster, but you’re not too sure he can survive.
Get it. If you have anything like a sense of humour and a heart as black as the inside of a body bag, you’ll love it. Besides, best corpse disposal trick ever (pity it’s only once a year).
Some bon mots:
‘It was glittery enough to host a glam rock revival and the loud ’80s pop they played was so cheesy you could use it to top a pizza.’
‘A red-faced man in a shiny supermarket suit shuffled beside him, nodding like one of those toy dogs everyone’s dad used to have in the back of their cars in the ’70s.’
‘Specks of dust floated in the shard of sunlight that sliced through the broken slat and spotlit a pool of blood at Mark Hammonds’ feet.’
‘There was a flash of lightning, a crack of thunder, and a storm gouged the sky open, battering them with rain.’
April 17, 2019
I have been a big fan of Paul Brazill for many years. Those who haven't had the pleasure, think an Ealing Comedy directed by David Lynch.
Irreverant, dark, hilarious.
Kill Me Quick follows Mark Hammonds - erstwhile member of one-hit-wonder eighties band Blue Coronet - returning to the home of his birth - a dingy, lurid, dump of a place called Seatown.
A rich cast of lunatic characters - including Captain Cutlass, Uncle Shandy, Ava Banana and Don Amerigo - Donald to his friends - are there to welcome Mark. As is idiot best mate, Craig, a dodgy drug deal, a corpse in a caravan and several attempts on his life.
Here is a flavour of things in Seatown:
The inky-black night had melted into a grubby-grey autumn morning. Mark and Roy pushed a Morrison’s shopping trolley along the sea front. Wolfe’s body was inside with a Guy Fawkes mask covering the face. A ‘Penny For The Guy’ sign hung around the corpse’s neck.
A pair of screeching, emaciated seagulls cut through the granite sky and landed on the rusty metal railings that lined the wet promenade. They seemed to stare at Mark for a moment before they took off and swooped down on the Rorschach test of blood and junk food that had splatted the statue of Colonel William Wainwright.
Paul Brazill is the Brit Grit KIng of Comedy, the Dark Prince of Pissheads, Lunatics and Psychos, and Kill Me Quick is a fantastically entertaining romp, highly recommended for anyone with a sense of humour and a dark, dark soul.
Irreverant, dark, hilarious.
Kill Me Quick follows Mark Hammonds - erstwhile member of one-hit-wonder eighties band Blue Coronet - returning to the home of his birth - a dingy, lurid, dump of a place called Seatown.
A rich cast of lunatic characters - including Captain Cutlass, Uncle Shandy, Ava Banana and Don Amerigo - Donald to his friends - are there to welcome Mark. As is idiot best mate, Craig, a dodgy drug deal, a corpse in a caravan and several attempts on his life.
Here is a flavour of things in Seatown:
The inky-black night had melted into a grubby-grey autumn morning. Mark and Roy pushed a Morrison’s shopping trolley along the sea front. Wolfe’s body was inside with a Guy Fawkes mask covering the face. A ‘Penny For The Guy’ sign hung around the corpse’s neck.
A pair of screeching, emaciated seagulls cut through the granite sky and landed on the rusty metal railings that lined the wet promenade. They seemed to stare at Mark for a moment before they took off and swooped down on the Rorschach test of blood and junk food that had splatted the statue of Colonel William Wainwright.
Paul Brazill is the Brit Grit KIng of Comedy, the Dark Prince of Pissheads, Lunatics and Psychos, and Kill Me Quick is a fantastically entertaining romp, highly recommended for anyone with a sense of humour and a dark, dark soul.
May 13, 2019
Kill Me Quick is full of many things: thugs, alcohol, pop culture references, but it's the easy, breezy-ness of it all that Brazill excels at. His main character, Mark Hammonds, being a man who not only survives situations he maybe should not, but likes a good conversation and a pint. Seriously, what could go wrong from there? Also: who doesn't like the smell of peaches in the morning? Anyway, go on, get some. Have yourself a good time. Go forth. Seek out. Purchase and enjoy.
January 9, 2016
Number 13 Press have done an excellent job in assembling top quality novellas in this series and Paul Brazill's offering is no exception. They say home is where the heart is....if you're a character in a novella by Paul D. Brazill that heart will probably soon be removed and by a gangster with vicious intent! However, home is where Mark Hammonds, former member of the briefly famous band, Blue Coronet, heads when his chips are down. In this case Seatown is home a place described by the author as being awash with kebab shops and seventies theme bars.
If you've read any of the author's work before you'll know what to expect and that is a motley cast of characters with crazy nicknames such as Bryn Laden, Tuc Plenty and Captain Cutlass. You'll be expecting dry humour and jokes to come flying at you like bullets from a gun.
Brazill delights in torturing his main characters and Mark Hammonds is no exception. He gets beaten, threatened, chased by bikers and generally abused throughout the course of the story as he heads blindy from one disastrous scenario to another all in pursuit of the green folding stuff. As always with all of this author's stories it's entertaining, witty and always a fun read. A great crime caper that is a steal at the price. Five stars.
If you've read any of the author's work before you'll know what to expect and that is a motley cast of characters with crazy nicknames such as Bryn Laden, Tuc Plenty and Captain Cutlass. You'll be expecting dry humour and jokes to come flying at you like bullets from a gun.
Brazill delights in torturing his main characters and Mark Hammonds is no exception. He gets beaten, threatened, chased by bikers and generally abused throughout the course of the story as he heads blindy from one disastrous scenario to another all in pursuit of the green folding stuff. As always with all of this author's stories it's entertaining, witty and always a fun read. A great crime caper that is a steal at the price. Five stars.
March 1, 2019
Wow, I loved this noirvella!
You definitely don't have to be British to love this book, but I think being British will make you love it even more—especially if you were born and raised in a decent-sized city. And the cover art is classic "British seaside" -- great choice!
As I began reading it, I had so many flashbacks to my youth and the locals and cultures of my northern hometown: the seedy pubs; the music; the weekend club scene; musicians who never seemed to take off, figuratively or literally; and the neighbourhood criminals whom everyone knew about, but avoided. Of course, the parallels will exist in every city in every country, but I definitely think this story will light an extra-special spark for fellow Brits!
And, for most of us, this book takes that hometown memory a few steps further—right into the heart of the local criminal underworld. Really dark humour, amazing character names that will make you laugh out loud, and a hilarious linking of plots as the story draws to its conclusion.
Mr Brazill is absolutely right—there's no place like home.
You definitely don't have to be British to love this book, but I think being British will make you love it even more—especially if you were born and raised in a decent-sized city. And the cover art is classic "British seaside" -- great choice!
As I began reading it, I had so many flashbacks to my youth and the locals and cultures of my northern hometown: the seedy pubs; the music; the weekend club scene; musicians who never seemed to take off, figuratively or literally; and the neighbourhood criminals whom everyone knew about, but avoided. Of course, the parallels will exist in every city in every country, but I definitely think this story will light an extra-special spark for fellow Brits!
And, for most of us, this book takes that hometown memory a few steps further—right into the heart of the local criminal underworld. Really dark humour, amazing character names that will make you laugh out loud, and a hilarious linking of plots as the story draws to its conclusion.
Mr Brazill is absolutely right—there's no place like home.
December 19, 2015
Mark Hammonds returns to his Northern roots in the seething coastal crime capital that is Seatown. Before long the ex New Romantic Coronet Blue band member is up to his neck in drugs, violence, music and murder. Can Mark survive another day in Seatown while hunted by Satanic bikers, London gangsters and old faces from his past? Author Paul D Brazill revisits the thriving smugglers den of Seatown bringing bold humour, fascinating and bizarre characters, swirling round a noir plot. Full marks once again to Mr Brazill for delivering another powerful and hilarious crime story. If you fancy reading more Seatown stories then I’d recommend seeking out Gumshoe by Mr Brazill which stars the hapless private eye Peter Ord. This work also leaves me curious to seek out other Number Thirteen Press crime books in the near future. Enjoy.
January 12, 2016
With ‘Kill Me Quick!’ the author has provided yet another delicious plate of cool cynicism, peppered with spicy dialogue and an inky black-humour sauce. The plot centres on bass player Mark Hammond, whose hand has been pulverised by London thugs. He returns to his home town in the north-east to lick his wounds and do some serious drinking, but soon finds himself under suspicion of murdering the head of a local biker gang. His life becomes a procession of mishaps and wrong turns, as he blunders through the underworld in the vague hope of clearing up the mess. Paul D. Brazill’s Seatown backdrop is luridly drawn; the characters are a blend of hopeless, scary and hilarious, while the verbal exchanges are as sharp and dry as glass of Northumberland moonshine on the rocks. The gritty darkness of the north-east has never been so much fun. Fabulous.
April 28, 2017
This is another little literary treasure conceived by The Man himself. I’ve been his fan since the end of 2011 after accidentally stumbling upon one of the funniest short stories I’ve ever read on- and offline. Well, since then I’ve read a lot of his stuff and his writing is always witty, full of characters I felt I met once at a pub: Mark Hammond and Craig Ferry are exactly that type of guys, although where I come from, they would have different names, but you get my point — not to talk about the women.
Brazill is a master of creating atmosphere with just the right adjectives and adverbs as by choosing the perfect music piece to accompany the words.
Buy this book quick! :)
Brazill is a master of creating atmosphere with just the right adjectives and adverbs as by choosing the perfect music piece to accompany the words.
Buy this book quick! :)
February 7, 2023
Well, that turned out to be quite the good romp. Just a tad short-lived and I regret parting so soon with such a colorful cast. I will surely be looking into some more work by Mr. Paul D. Brazill. 4.5 stars for this one.
January 25, 2016
I love Paul Brazill's writing because he never forgets what the writer's primary goal should be: Entertain the reader. Reading his stuff is like going to a great dive bar--you just want to stay. Check out Kill Me Quick from Number Thirteen Press. All the gallows humor and oddball characters that make Brazill's writing stand out.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews