Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships

by Geoffrey L. Greif

Much has been made of the complex social arrangements that girls and women navigate, but little scholarly or popular attention has focused on what friendship means to men. Drawing on in-depth interviews with nearly 400 men, therapist and researcher Geoffrey L. Greif takes readers on a guided tour of male friendships, explaining what makes them work, why they are vital to the health of individuals and communities, and how to build the kinds of friendships that can lead to longer and happier lives. Another 120 conversations with women help map the differences in what men and women seek from friendships and what, if anything, men can learn from women's relationships.

The guiding feature of the book is Greif's typology of male friendships: he dispels the myth that men don't have friends, showing that men have must, trust, just, and rust friends. A must friend is the best friend a man absolutely must call with earthshaking news. A trust friend is liked and trusted but not necessarily held as close as a must friend. Just friends are casual acquaintances, while rust friends have a long history together and can drift in and out of each other's lives, essentially picking up where they last left off. Understanding the role each of these types of friends play across men's lives reveals fascinating developmental patterns, such as how men cope with stress and conflict and how they make and maintain friendships, and how their friends keep them active and happy.
Through the lively words of men themselves, and detailed profiles of men from their twenties to their nineties, readers may be surprised to find what friendships offer men--as well as their families and communities--and are sure to learn what makes their own relationships tick.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction

320 pages, Hardcover

First published July 26, 2008

Reviews

[Mike Panton · Rating 2 out of 5]

Heard about this book from the Art of Manliness podcast and had high expectations. I only read about a quarter of it before giving up on it.

Of what I read, it seemed very repetitive and and not very insightful. I don’t think I learned anything new about male friendships from the first 25%.

My one takeaway though is the catchy way of describing friendships: must, trust, rust, just. An article about that would have sufficed.

[Evan Micheals · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this after hearing Grief speak about Men’s Friendship on the Art of Manliness. I was interested to read this book and think about the quality of my own friendships and potentially how I could improve my own friendships with my male friends.

The book was base on qualitative research based on fifteen questions:

1. What is a friendship – what does a friend mean to you?

2. Are friendships important to you?

3. Do you believe you have enough male friends?

4. How have friends helped you (are they a source of social support)? How have you helped friends?

5. What are examples of what you do with your male friends?

6. How do you establish friendships with men, and how do you maintain them?

7. Do you ever lose male friends and, if so, how do you get them back (if you do)?

8. Did (does) your father (or other significant adult male) have many friends and, if so, what messages did (do) you receive about friendships from him? What about your mother and her friendships?

9. Do you have friendships with with women that are nonsexual in nature?

10. Do you learn about friendships from observing female friendships?

11. If you are married of have a significant other, have you made friends through that person?

12. Is there a link between masculinity and male friendships?

13. To what extent does a fear of appearing homosexual affect you friendships?

14. To what extent do you agree with Aristotle on the following: a - Friendship is the highest order of relationship; b – You can only be friends with a peer; c - You have to have known someone for a long time before they are a true friend; d - You have to ‘share salt’ with someone before you can become close friends; e – You can only have a few close friends, as true friendships require a lot from you.

15. Do you have enough time for you friends?

Like a lot of academics, Grief appears lazy and lot of his case studies were done with students and people working in the HEAL (Health, Education, Administration, and Literacy) professions, which are not representative of where the majority of men work. Professional people were also well represented. Plumbers, carpenters, electricians, block layers and other blue collars workers were rarely mentioned. Grief appeared to interview who was available in his milieu. He did appear to get a good range of people regarding age. He also asked the same questions of a small co-hort of women to provide a contrast. Amongst the interviewees their was not a lot of envy for the emotionally closer, but less stable friendship their wives and partners had. The men generally did not envy the drama they saw within female friendship through out the ages.

I learned that a lot of the stereo types hold true. Men use sports as a catalyst for interaction. Friendships between men are shoulder to shoulder, rather than face to face. Men do not often discuss there feelings and emotions. Men are concerned about being over affectionate with their friends (being gay). Men josh, and say mean things they do not mean to there friends (as opposed to women who say nice things they do not mean).

Grief works investigates friendship in order to describe and understand and provides little in the way of recommendations of how to do friendship better. I like the chapters when he looks at the qualities of friendships as people age, noting the dilemmas that are occurring in peoples lives, this allowed me to reflect on my past and look forward to what I may be able to expect in the future.

He provides four categories of friendship: Must; Trust; Rust; and Just Friends.

Must Friends: These are relationships that individuals feel obligated to maintain, often due to societal or familial pressures. They might not bring true joy or fulfillment, but people feel they must keep them for various reasons.

Trust Friends: These relationships are built on a foundation of trust, where individuals feel safe to share their thoughts and feelings. These friends provide emotional support and have a deep understanding of each other.

Rust Friends: These are relationships that have deteriorated over time. They may have started off strong but have lost their luster due to neglect or distance. There may still be some connection, but the relationship is not actively nurtured.

Just Friends: These are casual friendships that are amicable but do not involve deep emotional ties. The connection might be based on shared activities or interests, rather than intimacy or significant emotional support.

I reflected on my own friendships and I can say the quality has improved over time. I have gone from having a lot of Must and Just friends, to having a smaller amount of Trust friends who I am a lot closer too, and with Rust friends we cannot speak for years and pick up from where we left off. I enjoy my man dates with my friends, which unusually are often Face to Face. My Trust and Rust friends are effortful, whilst the Must and Just friends are relatively effortless.

I found the book to be overly academic and clearly written for other academics. It leaves room to move into the self help genre to support and advise men on how to have better friendships (whatever that is). It confirmed a lot of the stereotypes about men’s friendship in neither a supportive nor critical way. It is a book for nerds and wonks (like me), but not one I would recommend to the general public or lay reader.