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The Buddha's Wife: The Path of Awakening Together
As women’s spirituality continues to gain popularity, The Buddha’s Wife offers to a broad audience for the first time the intimate and profound story of Princess Yasodhara, the wife Buddha left behind, and her alternative journey to spiritual enlightenment.
What do we know of the wife and child the Buddha abandoned when he went off to seek his enlightenment? The Buddha’s Wife brings this rarely told story to the forefront, offering a nuanced portrait of this compelling and compassionate figure while also examining the practical applications her teachings have on our modern lives.
Princess Yasodhara’s journey is one full of loss, grief, and suffering. But through it, she discovered her own enlightenment within the deep bonds of community and “ordinary” relationships. While traditional Buddhism emphasizes solitary meditation, Yasodhara’s experience speaks of “The Path of Right Relation,” of achieving awareness not alone but together with others.
The Buddha’s Wife is comprised of two the first part is a historical narrative of Yasodhara’s fascinating story, and the second part is a “how-to” reader’s companion filled with life lessons, practices, and reflections for the modern seeker. Her story provides a relational path, one which speaks directly to our everyday lives and offers a doorway to profound spiritual maturation, awakening, and wisdom beyond the solitary, heroic journey.
What do we know of the wife and child the Buddha abandoned when he went off to seek his enlightenment? The Buddha’s Wife brings this rarely told story to the forefront, offering a nuanced portrait of this compelling and compassionate figure while also examining the practical applications her teachings have on our modern lives.
Princess Yasodhara’s journey is one full of loss, grief, and suffering. But through it, she discovered her own enlightenment within the deep bonds of community and “ordinary” relationships. While traditional Buddhism emphasizes solitary meditation, Yasodhara’s experience speaks of “The Path of Right Relation,” of achieving awareness not alone but together with others.
The Buddha’s Wife is comprised of two the first part is a historical narrative of Yasodhara’s fascinating story, and the second part is a “how-to” reader’s companion filled with life lessons, practices, and reflections for the modern seeker. Her story provides a relational path, one which speaks directly to our everyday lives and offers a doorway to profound spiritual maturation, awakening, and wisdom beyond the solitary, heroic journey.
320 pages, Paperback
First published June 2, 2015
25 people are currently reading
213 people want to read
About the author
Janet Surrey
5 books3 followersJanet Surrey is a Buddhist dharma leader and clinical psychologist internationally known for her work on relational theories of women’s psychological development, diversity, mothering, adoption, and substance abuse. Among other venues, Surrey has taught at Harvard Medical School and the Barre Center for Buddhist Studies. She is the author of several books. She currently divides her time between Boston, MA and Tierra Tranquila, Costa Rica.
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
October 3, 2023
Yasodhara And The Path Of Right Relation
In Buddhist scripture, Yasodhara was the wife of Prince Siddhartha. When at the age of 29, Siddhartha came in contact with illness, old age, and death, he decided he had to leave the palace in search of an understanding of suffering. Years later, age 35, he achieved enlightenment and became the Buddha. In the process, Siddhartha abandoned Yasodhara and left her at home with the couple's newborn son, Rahula.
The Buddha's story has become increasingly familiar in the United States, but little is written about Yasodhara. The Buddhist scriptures do not say a great deal about her or about her experience when Siddhartha left on his search. Buddhist writers are aware of the difficulties surrounding Siddhartha's decision to leave home. Some years ago, I attended a week-long meditation retreat and a well-known scholar-monk offered a Dhamma talk trying to explain the basis for Siddhartha's decision in a sympathetic way. This new book, "The Buddha's Wife: Her Story and Reader's Companion, The Path of Awakening Together, " by Janet Surrey and Samuel Shem offers an imaginative retelling of the story of Yasodhara and its significance from Yasodhara's perspective. The authors, husband and wife, are extraordinarily intelligent and accomplished; in another context, they might be referred to as a "power couple". Shem is a physician who taught at Harvard Medical School for 35 years and who has written successful novels and plays. Surrey, who has also taught at Harvard Medical School, is a renowned clinical psychologist, author and Buddhist meditation leader. She and Shem have coauthored an earlier book, "We have to Talk: Healing Dialogues Between Women and Men" (1999) .
The book begins with a highly personal introduction about the course of the authors' lives together. The body of the book is in two parts. Part one is an imagined telling of Yasodhara's story after Siddhartha abruptly leaves. She moves between grief and anger. With time Yasodhara and the Buddha's step-mother, Pajapati, form a healing circle with other women in the palace. The circle gradually expands and ultimately includes men as the participants share their experiences and feelings and learn to help one another. Yashodhara becomes known as "she who stays" as opposed to Siddhartha who left home. She develops a path called "right relations" to complement the eight-fold noble path that the Buddha would teach. The path of Right Relations focuses on "learning to live together". It is illustrated in Yasodhara's story.
In the second part of the book, titled "A Reader's Companion", Surrey and Shem offer extended commentary on their telling of Yasodhara's story. In fact, they often quote sections from the story as lead-ins to their discussion. Surrey and Shem draw on their extensive knowledge of Buddhism and psychology to illuminate themes of community, understanding suffering and developing compassion, raising children, facing the old age and death of loved ones, quarrels and misunderstandings between men and women, and more. The discussions include suggestions for reflection, alone or in a group, and meditation. The discussion has a strongly Buddhist perspective but its value is not limited to followers of the Buddha.
The combination of Buddhism and deep learning in medicine and psychology is inspiring in itself and not to be put aside lightly The authors know their scientific material and write in a way personal and intimate. I learned a great deal about relationships from this book and about why they succeed or fail. Most of this book in its spirituality and psychology has a great deal to teach.
Although he is not mentioned, much of the book reminded me of an American philosopher I admire, the idealist thinker Josiah Royce (1855 -- 1916). Royce taught the importance of community as opposed to individualism. He used the concept of a "beloved community" which found its way into the thought of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and into this book. He also taught interconnectedness in a spiritual absolute, together with the problems of individuals in daily life. Surrey and Shem refer to the "particular challenge to spiritual communities, which point to a universal absolute beyond this worldly substrate of human experience" -- language which has an idealistic, Roycean tinge. I learned a great deal from this book in that it encouraged me to tie together the Buddhist studies I have done with my reading of Royce.
I was not happy with the political content of this book, its frequently unqualified criticism of the United States, and its embrace of a particular political agenda on the left. I do not understand Buddhism as having a political agenda, anymore so (and probably less than) than do Western religions. People come to the Dhamma and to spirituality as they are without a political litmus test. In an interesting discussion of the book, the authors describe sessions they held with groups of men and women asking each group what they wanted the other gender most to understand. Both groups replied they wished the other sex to understand that "we are not your enemy". This answer too could be offered by a personified United States in response to some of the strictures in this book: "we are not your enemy". In terms of living within the terms of one's culture, I was also reminded of the following words of Royce:
"That patient loyalty to the actual social order is the great reformer's first duty; that a service of just this erring humanity, with its imperfect and yet beautiful system of highly organized relationships, is the best service that a man can tender to the Ideal; that he is the best idealist who casts away as both unreal and unideal the vain private imaginings of his own weak brain, whenever he catches a glimpse of any higher and wider truth, all this lesson we, like other peoples and generations, have to study and learn."
Although I am uncomfortable with the political emphasis and scope of this book, its merits far outweigh its deficiencies. The story of Yashodhara is thoughtfully and imaginatively told with much room for reflection. The book helped me understand difficult, painful issues and moments in my life as if the authors knew where I had been. The book. brought back to me the Buddhism I have studied, reminded me of the importance of community and daily life, and helped me combine my thinking about Buddhism and philosophy.
Robin Friedman
The quotation from Royce is from an essay, "An Episode of Early California Life: the Squatter" which is part of his 1898 book, "Studies of Good and Evil".
In Buddhist scripture, Yasodhara was the wife of Prince Siddhartha. When at the age of 29, Siddhartha came in contact with illness, old age, and death, he decided he had to leave the palace in search of an understanding of suffering. Years later, age 35, he achieved enlightenment and became the Buddha. In the process, Siddhartha abandoned Yasodhara and left her at home with the couple's newborn son, Rahula.
The Buddha's story has become increasingly familiar in the United States, but little is written about Yasodhara. The Buddhist scriptures do not say a great deal about her or about her experience when Siddhartha left on his search. Buddhist writers are aware of the difficulties surrounding Siddhartha's decision to leave home. Some years ago, I attended a week-long meditation retreat and a well-known scholar-monk offered a Dhamma talk trying to explain the basis for Siddhartha's decision in a sympathetic way. This new book, "The Buddha's Wife: Her Story and Reader's Companion, The Path of Awakening Together, " by Janet Surrey and Samuel Shem offers an imaginative retelling of the story of Yasodhara and its significance from Yasodhara's perspective. The authors, husband and wife, are extraordinarily intelligent and accomplished; in another context, they might be referred to as a "power couple". Shem is a physician who taught at Harvard Medical School for 35 years and who has written successful novels and plays. Surrey, who has also taught at Harvard Medical School, is a renowned clinical psychologist, author and Buddhist meditation leader. She and Shem have coauthored an earlier book, "We have to Talk: Healing Dialogues Between Women and Men" (1999) .
The book begins with a highly personal introduction about the course of the authors' lives together. The body of the book is in two parts. Part one is an imagined telling of Yasodhara's story after Siddhartha abruptly leaves. She moves between grief and anger. With time Yasodhara and the Buddha's step-mother, Pajapati, form a healing circle with other women in the palace. The circle gradually expands and ultimately includes men as the participants share their experiences and feelings and learn to help one another. Yashodhara becomes known as "she who stays" as opposed to Siddhartha who left home. She develops a path called "right relations" to complement the eight-fold noble path that the Buddha would teach. The path of Right Relations focuses on "learning to live together". It is illustrated in Yasodhara's story.
In the second part of the book, titled "A Reader's Companion", Surrey and Shem offer extended commentary on their telling of Yasodhara's story. In fact, they often quote sections from the story as lead-ins to their discussion. Surrey and Shem draw on their extensive knowledge of Buddhism and psychology to illuminate themes of community, understanding suffering and developing compassion, raising children, facing the old age and death of loved ones, quarrels and misunderstandings between men and women, and more. The discussions include suggestions for reflection, alone or in a group, and meditation. The discussion has a strongly Buddhist perspective but its value is not limited to followers of the Buddha.
The combination of Buddhism and deep learning in medicine and psychology is inspiring in itself and not to be put aside lightly The authors know their scientific material and write in a way personal and intimate. I learned a great deal about relationships from this book and about why they succeed or fail. Most of this book in its spirituality and psychology has a great deal to teach.
Although he is not mentioned, much of the book reminded me of an American philosopher I admire, the idealist thinker Josiah Royce (1855 -- 1916). Royce taught the importance of community as opposed to individualism. He used the concept of a "beloved community" which found its way into the thought of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and into this book. He also taught interconnectedness in a spiritual absolute, together with the problems of individuals in daily life. Surrey and Shem refer to the "particular challenge to spiritual communities, which point to a universal absolute beyond this worldly substrate of human experience" -- language which has an idealistic, Roycean tinge. I learned a great deal from this book in that it encouraged me to tie together the Buddhist studies I have done with my reading of Royce.
I was not happy with the political content of this book, its frequently unqualified criticism of the United States, and its embrace of a particular political agenda on the left. I do not understand Buddhism as having a political agenda, anymore so (and probably less than) than do Western religions. People come to the Dhamma and to spirituality as they are without a political litmus test. In an interesting discussion of the book, the authors describe sessions they held with groups of men and women asking each group what they wanted the other gender most to understand. Both groups replied they wished the other sex to understand that "we are not your enemy". This answer too could be offered by a personified United States in response to some of the strictures in this book: "we are not your enemy". In terms of living within the terms of one's culture, I was also reminded of the following words of Royce:
"That patient loyalty to the actual social order is the great reformer's first duty; that a service of just this erring humanity, with its imperfect and yet beautiful system of highly organized relationships, is the best service that a man can tender to the Ideal; that he is the best idealist who casts away as both unreal and unideal the vain private imaginings of his own weak brain, whenever he catches a glimpse of any higher and wider truth, all this lesson we, like other peoples and generations, have to study and learn."
Although I am uncomfortable with the political emphasis and scope of this book, its merits far outweigh its deficiencies. The story of Yashodhara is thoughtfully and imaginatively told with much room for reflection. The book helped me understand difficult, painful issues and moments in my life as if the authors knew where I had been. The book. brought back to me the Buddhism I have studied, reminded me of the importance of community and daily life, and helped me combine my thinking about Buddhism and philosophy.
Robin Friedman
The quotation from Royce is from an essay, "An Episode of Early California Life: the Squatter" which is part of his 1898 book, "Studies of Good and Evil".
December 10, 2015
How can one become more compassionate in life? How can sangha help? What practices one needs to cultivate towards attaining serenity in life? Through the imagined story of Yashodhara, these principles are brought to the forefront. The authors have shared their personal journeys as well. Towards creating a better humane world. Essential reading.
October 29, 2015
Circles of Support
Two part's 1) mythological story of the women in the Buddha's life, especially his wife. 2) how to build circles of support that can be life supporting and changing.
Two part's 1) mythological story of the women in the Buddha's life, especially his wife. 2) how to build circles of support that can be life supporting and changing.
May 21, 2018
In the book “The Buddha’s Wife” you learn the story behind the Buddha and The story behind his wife and child that he left behind. Through the story of his wife, she opens a new path of awakening from her suffering of losing her husband. This book isn’t so much of a story as it is a teaching. It opens your eyes to new ways of living and a new outlook of the world. The main idea in the book is human suffering and how we can overcome the suffering by using it in a positive way together. In the book, Yasodhara, the Buddha’s wife, challenges a whole new way of awakening. Yasodhara created a sakrete circle, it started when a young child in her village died and Yasodhara wanted to hear their story and tell them hers. After she told them her story and listened to others she went around hearing and telling suffering stories. She then created a sacred circle with the Buddha's mother Pajapati, the women from the palace joined they'd go each day to talk and mediate. Yasodhara felt liberated and realized she had opened a new and different door to full awakening like the Buddha did when he left her and their child. Throughout the story, Yasodhara learns more and more while teaching it to the reader. After 7 years the Buddha was fully awakened and his journey was to go village to village to heal human suffering. The Buddha stopped at the palace to speak with his father, who was mortally disappointed, and his mother who knew his path was to become the awaked one he saw his wife and child he had left behind and still moved forward by himself to his potential. Once his son saw his father he instantly wanted to be like him and so he joined his father and the monks as the youngest monk to join. Yasodhara couldn't lose her son as well and got her way into women were allowed to be monks as well but with rules attached. I would recommend this book if you were interested in the Buddha and wanted to learn more about him. This book also helps you understand his teachings more and learning them yourself. This book was interesting and liberating and I would recommend it to everyone.
April 28, 2025
I bought this book in a sale and was curious about yashodhara’s story. As I started reading and contemplating I was wondering how did the world not recognize this Women or the role she plays in Siddhartha life. Buddha and his teachings are everywhere and how did we lose her and how can we not acknowledge her sacrifice.
Siddhartha leaves the new born and her wife for his quest. The trials and tribulations she faces along with the new born with support from pajapati (step mother in law)
It’s story of her resilience and her strength. When she dies even her son Rahula doesn’t come and see her. She lives her life solitarily with support of her sangha. She heals and helps people and serves them.
She makes her own path and finds meaning of her life in healing others.
The authors have spent explaining 4 decades of learning in this book. From healing oneself to healing the world. Relating, sharing and understanding each other’s experiences and helping others for greater good. It’s a slow read but a good one if you are someone who really is serious about it.
I have practiced vipasanna and this whole approach makes tremendous sense. A lot of discipline is required but it can untangle many aspects and problems of life.
One can begin applying the meditative techniques themselves to start with and then with family. It can be life changing.
Siddhartha leaves the new born and her wife for his quest. The trials and tribulations she faces along with the new born with support from pajapati (step mother in law)
It’s story of her resilience and her strength. When she dies even her son Rahula doesn’t come and see her. She lives her life solitarily with support of her sangha. She heals and helps people and serves them.
She makes her own path and finds meaning of her life in healing others.
The authors have spent explaining 4 decades of learning in this book. From healing oneself to healing the world. Relating, sharing and understanding each other’s experiences and helping others for greater good. It’s a slow read but a good one if you are someone who really is serious about it.
I have practiced vipasanna and this whole approach makes tremendous sense. A lot of discipline is required but it can untangle many aspects and problems of life.
One can begin applying the meditative techniques themselves to start with and then with family. It can be life changing.
October 13, 2020
Written by a clinical psychologist and dharma leader (Surrey) and a psychiatrist (Shem), this book is in two parts. Part one is an intriguing story of Sidhartha's wife, Yasodhara, and what happens when her husband leves on his journey of discovery. The second half of the book uses this story of Yasodhara's response to Sidhartha's abandonment of her and their child, and the people who gathered around her, to structure a collection of practies to work on relationships and build community. This book seems influenced by Jean Baker Miller's relational theory of human relationships. It was an enjoyable read and I can see it being used as a workbook by a group.
January 22, 2019
Amazing... This is the book to structure one's spiritual practice imo. The connections near the end to social justice work seem a bit formulaic but everything else is deeply satisfying, insightful and provocative.
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November 14, 2022Just completed the first part and did not desire to read the second part. I felt there were certain tips and quotes I enjoyed but overall it did not help me to travel deeper into yashodhaaras philosophy and life.
January 29, 2019
YASODHARA know her mame!!!
January 2, 2022
Here's a book I wanted to like a lot more than I do AND whose premise: the creation of a more relational practice approach, I fully support and feel great solidarity with. And yet, I'm left feeling disappointed in its presentation. The whole first part of the book is a made-up tale of the Buddha's wife and step-mother creating a relational model of practice to balance out the solitary path the Buddha offers.
I mean, Lama Surya Das' blurb had me cringing:
"This long untold story, a truly provocative teaching tale -- timeless and timely,... will prove useful and enlightening to those who seek to find freedom within relationships" makes it sound like he wanted to have it both ways: he refers to it as a "teaching tale" which it is, but "long, untold story" also makes it sound like an ancient story that has been suppressed. We have an account of the Buddha's wife and step-mother and it's a far cry from this thoroughly modern (and modernist) tale of feminist empowerment. Is such a fabrication the only way a rationale for a more relational approach to a practice life could be made?
Now, what is valuable are some of the suggestions for community building, but there are other books that are specific for this that may be better resources.
I mean, Lama Surya Das' blurb had me cringing:
"This long untold story, a truly provocative teaching tale -- timeless and timely,... will prove useful and enlightening to those who seek to find freedom within relationships" makes it sound like he wanted to have it both ways: he refers to it as a "teaching tale" which it is, but "long, untold story" also makes it sound like an ancient story that has been suppressed. We have an account of the Buddha's wife and step-mother and it's a far cry from this thoroughly modern (and modernist) tale of feminist empowerment. Is such a fabrication the only way a rationale for a more relational approach to a practice life could be made?
Now, what is valuable are some of the suggestions for community building, but there are other books that are specific for this that may be better resources.
December 18, 2015
When Siddhartha set out on his journey to become the Buddha, he left behind his wife and son. The first half of this book tells a fictionalized account of the wife and child left behind. The second half is meant to be a study on that story. I really expected the commentary to focus more on women's issues and spirituality. There were some brief moments where it's mentioned that it's harder for females to pack up and leave everything behind like men can. I really wanted more commentary on this issue. How women can be as spiritual as men when they are always expected to "stay"? Stay behind, stay put, stay at home and take care of the kids. Overall, I think I was looking for a more feminist view than the author was prepared to give.
April 27, 2016
We should all learn to move towards enlightenment without leaving our communities and families, but this book did nothing to advance that idea with tactical advice or examples, and while there were elements of the book that really did resonate... overall I thought it attempted to force a feminine vs masculine view that, at best, leaned towards the feminine ("being with") view being superior, if not directly being disrespectful of the male ("going forth") role and the Buddha's actions.
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January 25, 2016 It was easy to read, as it kept repeating and affirming on how I see life. Quoting one of the many favourite lines ...'almost all of us have had the experience of having a chance encounter when we least expect it-but are perhaps ready for it- with a person we meet briefly who says or does something that reveals great understanding and compassion....'
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews