Favorite Quotes:
The drinks are green. I’m never quite sure that anything I eat or drink should be green. Apart from M&Ms.
She giggles in what I can only describe as a flirtatious manner and I could swear she’s got a bum wiggle going on as she heads back towards the front door. Bum wiggles should be banned for all mothers, at least when their daughters are there. Particularly if the wiggle is for the benefit of their daughters’ boyfriends. Honestly, it’s indecent, even if he isn’t a proper boyfriend.
Dad knows the warning signs, he knows that sometimes, like after a bottle of wine, or a couple of cocktails, she gets stuck in and things can escalate. Like they did in Crete when Juliet said she’d dived in the Commonwealth games, so Mum said she’d dived for the Girl Guides and ten minutes later had to be rescued after a belly flop that half-emptied the pool of water. It added insult to injury when she recovered enough to find her saviour looked more Sumo wrestler than Hoff and he was determined to give her the kiss of life. For some strange reason we didn’t sit by the pool after that; it was all sea, ice-creams and historical monuments.
I haven’t had hot sex for at least three years, and that happened by accident when Liam accidentally put the air conditioning on a heat setting he didn’t know it had. I thought he was all hot and sweaty from excitement, and apparently he thought the same about me.
‘Steer well clear. I think she must be … what do they call it … vajazzled or something, to have led Liam astray like that… Well, the rest of her isn’t that pretty, is it? … Crystals for your crotch, it said in that magazine article I saw in the hairdresser’s. I’m not sure it would suit me though dear.’ From the look on Dad’s face it wouldn’t suit him either. ‘I’m quite sensitive down there and if you start using superglue you don’t know where it will all end up, do you?’
My Review:
I alternated between smiling and smirking while I read this amusing tale of relationship woe. Samantha had been unceremoniously dumped, shortly before her best friend’s wedding, where she was to be the maid of honor, and her ex the best man – awkward. The wedding festivities were to last a week, in Scotland, with friends and family, including the ex and his “hugely” pregnant girlfriend. Yikes - obviously his “double-dipping” had been going on for quite awhile, which crossed the intersection of Uncomfortable and Embarrassing and turned right onto Torture Street! Not wanting to be pitied and unable to find a suitable date, Samantha hired an actor, a sweet and gorgeous man, to be her pretend boyfriend. While the overall premise was not anything new - we’ve all read similar tales - the quirky characters, clever humor, and fresh storylines made this one unique. I adored the twinkly-eyed Jake Porter, who had relationship wounds of his own. Samantha’s mother was an original personality and her scenes provided considerable mirth and gleeful entertainment. I was brand new to Ms. Stoneley’s wily humor but I hope to rectify that oversight going forward; reading her clever words was good fun.