Well here we are. Literally like, 3,000 pages later and this God-forsaken series is finally over. I know that it still seems like lunacy that I would finish this series even though they're literally worse than garbage, and trust me - I'm scratching my head at this myself. Of all the series for me to decide to ACTUALLY finish, I chose this one? I have no priorities, clearly. But what's done is done, and these books are blessedly in that category.
This whole book was like running uphill - you don't want to do it and you're not sure why you started in the first place but you push on because you feel you have something to prove and even though it was a dumb idea you feel like you accomplished something when you reach the top because it was the worst decision you've made in a while and you clearly didn't look at your life and your choices.
You all probably know what types of things I'm going to have to say here, making this review redundant, however I owe it to myself to write down only a handful of the many, MANY reasons this book is worth no one's time and how it actually makes you dumber by reading it. There will be spoilers, and none of you will care because you have higher reading standards and aren't ashamed of yourselves every time you look at your recently read books and see these atrocities listed there.
Without further ado, let's bash this book:
- How dare Anna Todd spend so much time with two characters who clearly have no intelligent thoughts in their heads? These books were written entirely from within Tessa and Hardin's head, and since neither Hardin or Tessa have enough brain cells to even rub together, there was LITERALLY NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. Introspection is only a good plot device when characters aren't pieces of crap, and when they're developing as a result of events. Since nothing ever HAPPENS in these books, there's no way for them to be growing and/or changing, so all we get is stagnant crap about souls and poor uses of the "love is a battlefield" metaphor (which was already poor at best, so you can imagine what joys lay in store for me as a reader as I went through this).
- #srstalk Tessa's descriptions of depression and mental health kind of offended me. It really seemed to cheapen the seriousness of these issues by being 100% taken from a textbook and/or BuzzFeed article describing symptoms and behaviours. As someone working through their own depression, I was uncomfortable with how casually it was thrown around and was even more mad than usual at this ridiculously stupid girl who needs to get her head out of her own butt and just GROW UP.
- Tessa constantly apologized for "not being able to fix" Hardin, making me unsure who I hated more: a girl who clearly has no idea how to be an adult and who always has to make everything about her and everyone's perceptions of her, or a boy who is so destructive to himself and others that there's LITERALLY NO WAY he wouldn't be in jail or forcibly admitted to a hospital of some kind to receive treatment for his mental health and anger issues. Like, they're both so unfathomably unlikable it HURTS
- Hardin's only memories of Tessa seem to involve her having sex with him. He literally doesn't seem to have a single fond memory that has anything to do with her as a person or her interests. His only interest is in her body and having sex with it, and if that isn't objectifying women and painting yourself as a chauvinist pig I don't know what is. And Todd seems to think this is a romantic ideal? Grrl, these opinions of men and excusing this type of behaviour is the reason so many women find themselves unable to leave bad relationships because you're telling them this is a good thing. Like ohmylife how can ANYONE even with this book?
- It was beyond infuriating to have both Hardin and Tessa constantly making themselves out to be the victim, but especially Hardin. It is always literally 100% his fault. Example: Karen's pregnant and he makes this into a "the world hates me because I'm too fucked up and this is my punishment" thing. WHY CAN'T YOU OWN UP TO EVEN ONE THING AND JUST ADMIT THE WORLD ISN'T COMPLETELY UNFAIR OT YOU AND THAT YOU'RE A RIDICULOUS PERSON?! IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU DICK WAD. ANNA TODD YOU'RE THE WORST BECAUSE NOW I'M YELLING AT FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.
- Hardin's idea of compromise is to offer Tessa space only if she'll marry him. The conversation went something like this: "If I give you space that you are entitled to and clearly need because you're deranged, you HAVE to MARRY ME". "Yeah, OK, good trade, good talk, that works for me". What a majestic display of great communication, cooperation, and healthy relationships #lovingthatconcept
- Tessa tells Hardin over and over "I need to get away for a while, we spend too much time together and we need a clean break." In the real world, a clean break would mean no contact and "getting away for a while" would probably be a couple of months with you never coming back because that's how normal people tend to heal (there are exceptions, but I'm ignoring them right now for the purposes of being beyond frustrated with these books). In the After universe, "going away for a while" is like, 5 weeks and involves constant contact and lots of random sex as a means of "healing wounds" what even is that. The best part? She tried to make it seem like they were apart for like, 5 years #grrlplz
- Hardin proceeds to write a book about their relationship and, surprise surprise, calls it After, and this is where I really lost it. I cannot believe Todd tried to make this book all meta and crap by putting her books inside the books. YOU ARE NOT TALENTED ENOUGH OR INTERESTING ENOUGH FOR THAT. And THEN, on top of THAT, Hardin's book is so immensely popular and all the publishers are fighting for it and everyone wants to read it and are freaking out about it, making this a sad wish fulfillment fantasy a la Twilight and I just got so like, sad because it all just feels so pathetic and I'm rolling my eyes and clutching my face and mumbling "please no, this can't actually be published and available for purchase, what am I doing with my life?" Why can't Todd just write a book that doesn't suck balls and then move on with her life? Harden also describes the book as being about self recovery, and then in the next book tells Tessa they helped each other. How does that even work? If it's self recovery shouldn't you be doing it on your own? WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND BOOKS IN THIS AFTER UNIVERSE. And Tessa FREAKS OUT about this book even though, for once, Hardin isn't saying ONLY crappy things about her. GRRL YOU ARE SO DUMB I CAN'T.
- Nobody speaks the way that Hardin and Tessa speak to each other. Literally no one. It's like they know they have an audience and feel the need to put on a play that no one would be willing to pay for or would even stay halfway through, and then here I am still reading it because I have no self-respect at all.
- Hardin became an advocate for self-recovery? Really? Is that even a thing? I'm really just phoning it in at this point, we've moved so far past anything remotely good that it's a struggle to remember this won't be the last book I'll ever read and books aren't actually all garbage.
- WHO WAS LANDON'S FIANCEE/WIFE AND WHY DID THEY ALWAYS REFER TO HER SIMPLY AS "LANDON'S BRIDE"? YOU CAN'T THROW STUFF LIKE THAT IN AND NOT EXPLAIN IT.
- I ONLY READ THIS BOOK LOOKING FOR A TEEN PREGNANCY. YOU'RE DOING IT RAW EVERY FOUR PAGES AND THEN MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO CONCEIVE? HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?! WHAT A COP OUT! IF YOU'RE SUCH AN EXPERT ON RELATIONSHIPS, MENTAL HEALTH, AND MEN, WHY DON'T YOU DO SOME MORE BUZZFEED RESEARCH AND BECOME A PREGNANCY EXPERT SO THAT I CAN AT LEAST READ SOMETHING SO RIDICULOUS IT'S HILARIOUS? YOU'RE THE WORST. THE MISCARRIAGE? GLOSSING OVER THAT? REALLY? AND THEN SHE JUST GETS PREGNANT SO EASILY AND THAT'S THAT I CANNOT!
- WHY DID YOU PACE THESE BOOKS HORRIBLY FROM START TO FINISH? YOU DRAG EVERYTHING OUT FOR BOOKS AND BOOKS AND THEN #JOKES LET'S JUST SPEED THROUGH THEIR RIDICULOUS LIFE TOGETHER - WHICH YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- WHY IS PAPA HARDIN WEARING TIGHT BLACK JEANS - AS A DAD?
- WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN THE NAME EMERY FOR ME?
- WHY DID THE WHOLE WEDDING/MARRIAGE THING TAKE SO LONG? YOU LITERALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE A COMPELLING NOVEL AT ALL.
I'm just exhausted with these books and so happy it's over.