The Paradox of Porn: Notes on Gay Male Sexual Culture

by Don Shewey

Pornography has played a special role in the sex lives of gay men. It has taught us what desire between two men looks like, it has helped us figure out what turns us on, it has supported us in not feeling so alone, it has gotten us through times of loneliness and isolation, disease and disconnection, and it has contributed to many pleasurable orgasms. At the same time, the images from porn that are now ubiquitous in our lives have shaped and often distorted our ideas about what sex is, what normal bodies look like, how people make connections, and how we feel about ourselves. It’s been hugely liberating and hugely oppressive. And that’s the paradox of porn.

Based on Don Shewey's twenty years of experience as a sex therapist/educator and pleasure activist, this book-length essay explores the topic of pornography from a unique, specifically gay male perspective, surveying in depth what's valuable and what's problematic about the ubiquitous forms of erotic imagery we encounter on a daily basis.

“The Paradox of Porn is a smart, acutely observed, and beautifully argued analysis of what gay porn means to gay men, and, by extension, the state of sexual culture in America today.”
--Michael Bronski, author of A Queer History of the United States

Genres: Sexuality, LGBT, Nonfiction, Queer

226 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 15, 2018

Reviews

[Terry Anderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bless you, Don Shewey, for giving us a straightforward, simple explanation of why gay men like porn, and how to use porn responsibly.

[Eugene Galt · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book relies heavily on the author's reflection on his own past and on anecdotal evidence from within the author's bubble. As a result, the author sometimes comes across as out of touch, as when he discusses things that have supposedly arisen in the internet era but that I remember from the eighties. He also uncritically quotes dubious authorities and new-age babble and is given to presenting commonplace observations as profound insights. However to his credit, the author recognizes what he calls "the pathological bias," in that many stories come from his therapy practice.

[Chuck · Rating 2 out of 5]

The relationship that gay men have to pornography is a provocative topic. Shewey uses it for a long string of reflections and essays, mostly based on his own life and the case histories of clients from his work as a therapist. After a while, the approach is less and less rewarding. Some essays are little more than a title, a few paragraphs of analysis, and a case history that illustrates a point. The book ends up seeming thin because Shewey never wanders too far from his own experiences or those of the men he's come into contact with.

[Joshua · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every queer man, in fact I suspect every man period, has some relationship to pornography. Whether the reader agrees with thew moral quality of porn, what cannot be denied is that porn is a facet of the culture and society and it has become, to many, a form of sexual education and sometimes sexual balm. Don Shewey attempts to understand the intense fascination, dedication, and often time addiction to pornography that affects gay and queer men, and how their use of pornography can affect not just their love life, but in fact their sense of self.

For many queer men, porn was a way of validating one's existence because it catalogued the desire in a way that wasn't condemning. Porn was a space where men could acknowledge their attraction to other men and that sense of belonging filtered into the early experience of gay pornography, but as Shewey demonstrates in his book, an unfortunate side effect is that many men begin to internalize the media allowing the comparison to infect their actual reality.

Rather than being yet another in a long line of anti-porn non-fiction works, Shewey celebrates the body, celebrates queer sexuality, and often celebrates gay porn. But he is able to tackle the real-world effect of porn upon individual people and the way it can disease their actual sexuality. The Paradox of Porn is a reminder to the reader that men, in their desire to disappear into desire, can lose their actual footing to the strengths and limitations of their body. And so while pornography can be a wonderful space for personal exploration, Shewey reminds his reader that exploration is good, but should never be a substitute for the real thing.

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shewey begins with the premise that porn is a form of entertainment content that virtually everyone consumes, and virtually nobody talks about, unless you count random and sniggering put-downs from various parts of America's oddly Puritanical culture. Nowhere is this truer than the gay community, especially gay men, the group with which Shewey focuses this very useful analysis. Shewey has provided therapy and sex counseling to thousands of gay men for decades, drawing upon traditional and non-traditional practices to help his clients move away from shame and towards lives filled with greater happiness and pleasure. As he looks at the history of different types of porn and its value and danger to gay men, he draws upon case studies of his clients (anonymized, of course) and a semi-scientific survey of several hundred gay men across America to learn how porn has both enhanced and challenged our happiness. This is not a medical look at porn addiction, though that crippling syndrome hovers above much of Shewey's empathetic presentation of different gay male dilemmas, which is frequently told in clients' own words. If anything, Shewey's engaging and occasionally raunchy storytelling is anti-clinical, urging again and again for men to take a hard look at what actually happens to our brains, hearts, and crotches when we consumer porn in its current ubiquitous format, e.g., online streaming video. While porn did/does validate desires that gay men are told should be banished, we quickly learn that the actual format and features of most porn can distort what real sex looks and feels like, impacts almost everyone's self- esteem, and builds unachievable standards that causes much depression and sometimes worse. The last section of the book offers a solid self-help manual for those for whom porn may be a problem. This is a ground-breaking work for our community and for anyone concerned with psychological well-being of young people of all sexual orientations.

[Aaron Ambrose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Big props to Shewey for a serious conversation about an awkward topic. It’s easy to assume an extreme posture about porn - for or against - but we all know it’s not that clearcut. Especially for folks who are shamed away from an honest expression of their desire, porn can be a bridge to enlightenment, validation, assertiveness, and a step toward truth. We also know that a bridge goes both ways. Porn can become an avoidance, a time suck, an image fascist, a crutch, anesthesia. This book is a bit messy, but gripping and inspiring - a bit like brain porn, in a way. Not really. But it did fuel my imagination much more than I expected.

[Josh · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s alright...

As a gay man that sometimes struggles with the feeling of over sexualation of gay culture I found this to be a good book. Mindful that the books main topic is pornography which the other covers from the positive to negative, there appears to be a failure of mindfulness at time. Little consideration seems to be taken to the , sometimes, blatant double standard presented. A good read that helped explore a subject I continue to explore.

[Steve · Rating 4 out of 5]

Food for Thought

“The Paradox of Porn” talks about things that don’t often get talked about, and should. It examines the complex relationship queer men have with porn and sex and why and how the two are different. Well worth a read to see what it brings up for you.

[Sasha Krasnov · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reasonable and balanced thoughts on porn as a stumbling block to the gay 'Beauty Myth,' bad-mannered hookup culture, and porn-related biases — fortunately presented without alarmism and with some practical advice on overcoming side effects and enjoying it.