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336 pages, Hardcover
First published April 4, 2019
‘—whistling—the chorus to an old Anita Mui number that was so off-key I couldn’t recognise it at first—We were frightened not by the death, or the savagery of the killing—we grew up by the sea, don’t forget, we’d seen worse—but by how easily a life could be scrubbed out without trace.’
‘I brought her tea and eggs—she liked them boiled for two minutes and broken into a shallow saucer, the way you get in old Hainanese kopitiam. ‘Mr—will kill you before he lets you take ten days off to look at cherry blossom!’ she joked. She mimicked his voice: ‘You turned into a woman, meh? Take holiday go see flower?’’
‘What makes me sad is that she wasn’t always like that. I remember the first time I saw her. She was sitting alone reading a trashy novel—New York. We were both studying there—and I thought, Now that is someone I could live with my whole life. She was fun, she loved to laugh. It wasn’t that long ago. Now we sit on the sofa and discuss mortgage rates all evening.’
‘I just can’t stand her principles. Her politics. She’s—so fucking conservative. Such a reactionary. Thinks everything is fine, and that the only thing wrong is that poor people don’t work hard enough. You know what she said the other day? Our friend Shafik got mugged. Some guy on a scooter went by and grabbed his phone. My partner said, It’s all these migrant workers we let in. They’re the ones who commit all the crimes. Obviously I went ballistic. I told her that statistically, foreign workers commit only 10 per cent of all crimes in the country. You know what she said? Huh, why don’t you tell that to the old woman who’s just been beaten and robbed—We should just deport them—The facts speak for themselves.’
‘All it takes is for one or two people on board to die and it changes the way you feel on the boat, changes the way you feel about the days, months and years ahead of you. Even if your body holds up, your spirit wishes you were dead. Drifting on the sea, you feel you’ve died too. The friends you lose take something away from you as their bodies are thrown overboard, and that something—what is it? No one knows—that something never comes back. Once they’d reached land, they were held in jungle camps in southern Thailand, recovering enough strength for the journey across the border.’
‘If I die, someone else will be digging my grave, and I’ll be buried here, in the soil of a country I don’t know, before I even have a chance of getting to know it. My body will nourish the earth of this new land, I will give myself to it after all, just not in the way I expected. (The Chinese have a saying, I wanted to tell him right at that moment, but I didn’t. Falling leaves return to nourish the tree’s roots. Do you know it? All things go back to their source. Wander far and wide, but you’ll always return home. That is the natural way of things, that is how we expect life to turn out, and maybe it does for some. But not for most.)’
‘Sometimes work at the port slowed down and you’d see migrants drifting into town looking for a few days’ casual work here and there, from whoever would employ them. During these periods the town appeared to function normally, which is to say that a visitor like you wouldn’t notice anything unusual. You’d see the buses and the markets, shopkeepers sweeping the pavements outside their doors, people sitting down at roadside food stalls—anxiety, the knowledge that the entire town depended on trade from faraway places, goods being bought and sold by people we would never know. Some politician—decides that they can’t buy—rubber gloves; suddenly ten factories in the area have to shut down.’
‘The Europeans want to save the fucking planet so they ban the use of palm oil in food; within a month the entire port is on its knees. Life continues, but you feel it slipping quietly away, and you worry that it’ll never return. And because of that fear, you feel caught in a suspended state. On the outside, life seems normal, but inside it’s drawn to a standstill. That night, driving into town, I felt the same—as if events were being controlled by things and people I didn’t know, far away from me. We drew into a parking spot—There wasn’t enough light in the night sky to see clearly—I had to hold up my phone and point its faint glow towards the ground—I got the impression he’d been there before, walking this exact route. ‘Turn off your phone,’ he said.’
‘She laughs. The same laugh I’ve heard all evening, drifting across the farm, mingling with the sound of the water. I could marry you if you want. A militant queer girl and a depressed felon—a perfect match. That’s not even funny, I say, but I’m laughing. We both are. The moment lasts just a few seconds, but seems to stretch into the night—We stand facing each other. It’s almost completely dark now. I think that maybe I should extend my hand, but that feels wrong, and she doesn’t move either. Goodbye, I say. The walk down the hill takes nearly an hour, and by the time I get to the village all the shops are closed. I sit on the concrete steps of a coffee shop, listening to the noise of the traffic from the highway nearby. The rush of the cars and lorries sounds fuzzy and soothing, like the sea on a windy day.’
‘My grandparents were all originally from Fujian province. According to my calculations, the ones who came from Sumatra—ten years max before they had to move again. Imagine that—you come all the way from Fujian—in and out of small boats drifting on the ocean for months, eventually land in some tiny town—find some way of earning a living, working the land or the sea. You think you own that tiny bit of scrubby jungle or marsh or wherever it is you’ve landed, you think you can start a family, start a new life. Then, just when your days and weeks start to feel normal, when your notion of time begins to stretch out into a year, two years, a future—the place you’re in and it no longer feels as if every tree, every blade of grass is out to hurt you, you have to move again.’
‘People started visiting the Monkey God temple to make offerings and prayers. We burnt paper-money—we thought it was our fault, that we hadn’t done enough to appease the heavens. Everyone said, If we were richer, we could make more donations to the temple, we’d have better catches. They didn’t realise that there was nothing they could do about all the pollution flushing down the river that went right through the cities and emptied into the sea in front of our houses. Or from the offshore prawn farms that had started further up the coast where the water was deeper—you could smell the chemicals sometimes, late in the afternoon when the wind was blowing in the right direction. A sour stink, like old catpiss.’
‘—I understood that all those big industries further inland which were making cars and air-conditioners and washing machines—sneakers—they lay close to the same river that washed over our cockle beds—they would just carry on emptying their waste into the river, more and more as the years went by. I didn’t even feel sad, or angry—why get mad over something you can’t change? That was just the way things were. The only thing that infuriated me was that no one wanted to listen to me when I told them what I thought was happening. Pollution? My grandmother repeated the word as if it was some bizarre other-worldly phenomenon, like an interplanetary collision in another solar system. She turned her back on me and went to the temple—Whenever anyone came back from the temple, they’d talk about destiny. To live like this is our destiny. I never thought about the meaning of fate and chance until—.’
‘What would have happened if my grandparents had landed further up the coast, or drifted south? If the winds or tides had been stronger or weaker and had carried them to Perak or Johor, or to Port Klang itself? Would I have—become you? I’m just kidding. Of course I couldn’t have become you. I know it’s not that simple. And I don’t mean that I want to become you, or someone like you. It’s just that sometimes I can’t help thinking about whether I was really destined to be me.’
‘The dispute was about money, as it always is—It wasn’t because of a woman, as some of the papers suggested. People like us don’t fight over love, we fight over houses, land, sometimes cars, mostly money—things that make a difference to the way we live.’
‘A Korean drama was playing on the TV. I’d forgotten to turn it off when she arrived, and the actors’ voices filled the room. Oppa, myo haeyo. On the table across the room, a pile of newspapers. Nanyang Siang Pau and Sin Chew Jit Poh. A bible. A small cookie tin that I use to put my Magnum 4D and Big Sweep tickets in. I couldn’t figure out what she was looking at. I offered her a drink—Yeo’s chrysanthemum tea. Good for hot weather, I said. Very high sugar content, she said.’
‘She spoke Mandarin in a way that made it obvious that it was a second language to her—sometimes clear as a textbook, other times halting, mixed in with a bunch of English words. Everything about her seemed alien to me that first time, even though she came from only thirty miles away. Her foreignness made it easier for me to speak as freely as I did. I could tell her anything I wanted—even though I tried to be formal in the way I spoke, I felt myself lapsing into dialects, my country Hokkien surging out of me from time to time, or else the odd Cantonese swear word popping up before I even realised I’d said it.’
‘Suddenly I would be aware of my speech, the difference between the crudeness of my voice and the polish of hers, always under control, never too loud or too soft. Sometimes I would say something inappropriate and I’d think, Now she is going to realise she has made a huge mistake. Now she will start making excuses to leave. But her expression never changed—balanced between interest and amusement. She stayed for four hours.’
‘But as I’m talking, something comes to mind—remember the look on her face after I told her about the cat – her lips pulled into a smile, but her eyes narrowed, accusing me of something. But what? I don’t know what to call the look on her face—And I can’t stop the thought from forming in my head: she cares more about the cat than she does about me.’
‘One night, over noodles and beer at a dai cau place in Puchong, Keong told me he’d pack it all in one day, take off to Guangzhou—Doing what? I asked, but he just shrugged—sitting on the low concrete wall—he said, ‘If the world was taken over by aliens, what would be your final meal?’ ‘Fuck you. Chaohai.’’
‘I looked at her. Didn’t do anything else, just looked at her—and that was enough to get her worked up, because she thought I was being insolent. Challenging her for a better reason, or financial compensation, or something else she couldn’t provide. She started talking—shouting, really. About things that weren’t important to me, explaining about her balance sheet and her daughter on the other side of the world, who still needed money, about the pressures of the job, of being a mother. About how I was so ignorant I didn’t know how the world worked. Didn’t I know about this thing called the Asian Financial Crisis? Why didn’t I read the papers a bit more, and take an interest in the world? That was the kind of thing she was shouting at me. Every country in Asia had been suffering, and there I was behaving like a spoiled child.’
‘All the bribes she had to pay, protection money, price hikes—did I even know about all that? I had no idea how tough running a business in this shithole country could be, she said; I had no idea what it was like to be a woman her age— trying to run a stupid restaurant. ‘When you get to my age you’ll know what it feels like.’ Then she cursed, just one rude word, not a big deal, but coming from a nice lady like her it sounded so funny that I started to laugh, and then I couldn’t stop—Indian guys delivering gas canisters, the booming metallic sound they made as they lowered them to the concrete floor in the kitchen, the Tamil song they were singing, Nila, nila odivaa—I started laughing. [Pause.] I covered my face with my hands. The prosecutor had been speaking in long elegant sentences that rumbled gently like distant thunder—I know this sounds like one of the stories you’re interested in, about a boy from the village who comes to the big capital city and gets crushed by how brutal it is, but that’s not exactly right. I wasn’t defeated by KL, I got bored of it.’
‘—DVDs from some counterfeit place—we couldn’t understand any of the Korean words. It didn’t matter—we’d seen the entire series years before—had found those tragic love stories romantic. I guess that’s why she had bought the DVDs, to remember how it was to be moved by the beauty of love affairs that don’t work out. By the failure of love. I wasn’t keen—The idea of someone not remembering his past, becoming someone entirely new because he no longer had his memory.’
‘I pretend that I’m not watching her. That I’m not interested in what she’s writing. But most of the time, when her head is inclined and she’s concentrating on reading or writing, I’m trying to read what is on the papers. I can never make anything out clearly. She’s just a bit too far away from me. Whenever we pause for one of us to go to the bathroom or the kitchen, she closes her notebooks—I wondered how I would appear in her project, whether I would be a nicer version of myself. Or a worse one.’
‘You know the type of place I mean—you drive past them in two seconds and you don’t even notice them. Funny how people use that word—kampung—when what they mean isn’t a village in the countryside, surrounded by trees and flowers, but a semi-slum, a shanty without amenities except for one or two cheap generators that everyone chips in to feed with diesel now and then—invisible slums in town, on stretches of the riverbank, or out in the countryside, in the middle of the forest.’
‘He knew all the different routes—by sea—by land, across the border—He was familiar with all the techniques—from hiding human cargo in containers to plain old bribery—big lorry loaded with sacks of rice or cages of live chickens, of course they know what’s underneath all that—but pay them enough and they won’t bother. Maybe they don’t want to find the real stash; maybe they’re afraid of discovering—bodies, children suffocated in that tiny hollowed-out space under a mound of squawking chickens. Just because you work at a job like that, it doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings. But a tiny bit of cash makes it easy to turn your head and look the other way—someone actually pays you not to see dirty, upsetting shit. Anyone would do the same.’
‘That’s what’s wrong—everyone’s just looking out for themselves, looking to make a quick buck at someone else’s expense. Those idiots, they can just go fuck themselves.’
‘How much did you pay? Oh God—You’re just perpetuating the system—From the time I give her the keys until we find the car and get into it, she doesn’t stop lecturing me. It’s because of people like you that they dare to ask for bribes. Corruption is a two-way thing. The victim doesn’t even know they’re a victim.’
‘Aiya, enough already. I’m sorry, OK?’ We drove out of the parking lot and into the traffic. Neither of us says anything—But after a while she says, ‘That’s a lot of money. I’m sorry’. We drive on in silence, and it isn’t until we’re almost back at my house that she speaks again. Thank you, she says. I appreciate it. I’m sorry I yelled.’
‘It was nearly the end of the movie’s run, and the cinema was half-empty. We sat near the front because we wanted the screen to feel as huge and all-engulfing as possible; the sound drummed in our ribcages and we felt its vibrations even after we’d left and were having mee pok and barbecued wings at a late-night hawker centre in Balestier.’
‘Jacky Cheung on my phone—back then we only had those small Sony Ericssons that made every song sound crackly, as if you were listening to it on the radio in a faraway country. Maybe you’re too young to remember those phones. I was on the other side of the road, outside the 7-Eleven, eating a Ramly burger—There was a light breeze that night, I remember—Better not translate that—As I looked at them, I got the feeling that they were floating through the city, unattached to anything around them. Their music was the only thing that seemed real—a link to their home—thousands of miles away, and something in the way they talked to each other, shouting over the music and laughing in the half-dark street, made me realise that they would probably never return to where they came from. And suddenly I thought, I am just like them, I am floating through life.’
‘‘Your language. You’re sounding like me.’’
. We, the Survivors is his fourth novel and was published in 2019. Evolution is a funny thing. For the longest time, you believe in the power of change – in your ability to mould your life through even the smallest acts. Even buying a four-digit lottery ticket feels loaded with optimism, as if those five bucks might turn into a twenty-thousand bonanza and transform your life. Then one day it disappears, that blind devotion to hope, and you know that even if you pray all day, nothing will happen to you.There's an interesting interview w/ the author (in two parts, this is a link to the second,) at Electric Lit: https://electricliterature.com/why-ar...