Before We Were Tsars

School Days #1

by Simon Northouse

A humorous look back at school reports of yesteryear when teachers could speak their mind without fear of retribution, litigation or trolling.
If you grew up in the 50's 60's 70's or 80's then you will laugh-out-loud as you recognise this school world and some of the cruel but fair, teachers in it. Based loosely on the author's own school reports.

59 pages, ebook

First published June 30, 2018

About the author

Simon Northouse writes books that entertain. His stories include hefty doses of self-deprecating satire, ironic farce and droll bathos delivered in a deadpan Yorkshire voice.

However, as many of his fans have pointed out, there is much, much more to his books than laughter.

He touches on social issues that have plagued humans since the first man pointed at a woman on the back of a woolly mammoth and shouted, "Oi, love, come down from there. That's a man's job!" Racism, misogyny, sexism, elitism, classism, anxiety, self-doubt and entitlement are just a sprinkling of issues that intersperse his works.

He’s also big on love, mateship, truth and loyalty and their darker flip sides. Yes, there is humour, bonding, ridiculous situations and tender touching moments of true feeling that live alongside each other on the page. His philosophy is simple, entertain!

Oh, and lastly, Simon Northouse is not a New York Times or USA Today bestselling author. He has yet to be nominated for the Booker Prize or Miles Franklin Award and he is still waiting on a call from the Nobel Foundation—the clock is ticking, people.

He is the author of the Soul Love, The Shooting Star and School Days series. He also puts out a cracking monthly newsletter which you can find by just typing, "Discombobulated Newsletter" into your web search engine—I kid you not!
You can sign up here: http://www.snorthouse.com/home-page/n...

Reviews

[Ronald Keeler · Rating 5 out of 5]

This publication (I don’t know what else to call it) is a collection of excerpts describing how teachers might write descriptions of student conduct and behavior if they could write what they really thought. This is not a novel, the excerpts segue into each other, but the connections are well concealed and impossible to appreciate unless the entire short collection is read. Connections will become apparent on reflection. There is no plot, the characters, the described students do not participate. There is no conclusion or climactic moral announcement. The collection is hilarious.

I wanted to post some observations on this because for the next few weeks I will be evaluating the performance of my students after one semester and preparing for the next semester. I encourage my students to read certain posts on this blog and I will direct some of them to this post. Maybe they will understand some of my comments. Or maybe not.

The title of the collection is The School Report. That makes sense. There is a subtitle: Before We Were Tsars. I have yet to understand that; I can’t connect it to anything I read. This is followed by a note (on the cover) that this is {A Companion Book To The Full Length Novel "Arc Of A Shooting Star"}. A further note indicates this is part of The Shooting Star Series. Because I was impressed by the humor of this selection, I downloaded the full-length novel. A table of contents indicates there are 32 named chapters but only five of them are written. At USD 0.99, I can’t be bothered to return the book. Also, the five written chapters are funny and will be covered in a separate review.

Here is a quote in which the author describes himself. It gives a reader some idea of the author’s writing style. “He currently lives somewhere with someone and does some things he should not do and some things he should do—but not as often as he'd like.” (Kindle locations 416-417). The author's full description of himself is more complete with more humor.

Reports on four students make up this collection. Here are brief thoughts on three of the four students. Each teacher will report their observations on each student. I have selected partial quotes from Math teachers

ALLAN KINCAID: FORM 5C***** Of Allan his Math teacher observed “Allan started the first term slowly, quickly accelerated—backwards—in term two, and then, quite amazingly, or not, stopped attending maths completely! (Kindle locations 72-73).

WILLIAM HARDING: FORM 5B***** Another Math teacher commenting on William “He has set himself extremely low standards that he consistently fails to meet.” (Kindle locations 173-173).

GORDON ROBINSON: FORM 5F***** A Math teacher commenting on Gordon “Teaching algebra to Gordon is like trying to teach a cod how to rollerskate—it wastes my time and bamboozles the cod!” (Kindle location 253-254).

Humor is not confined only to the report texts. There is humor in names, nicknames, and illustrations. This is a good break from everyday stuff and a nostalgic look back at how bad you were in school. Your teachers may not have written such reports, but you know you were talked about in the break room. This is a five-star Amazon read for quirky humor.

[Garth Mailman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had teachers like this in the 60ies and attended school with these students. Today writing evals is a matter of checking approved boxes on a computer screen multiple choice style. Add the fact that students aren’t allowed to fail lest it damage their delicate psyches and we get functionally illiterate graduates. Since I began using Instafreebie I’ve discovered many of them also think they’re writers.

The present author is literate and passed English Grammar and Spelling. He seems to share my own disdain for the educational system that manages to teach despite itself. Too many of my generation of college graduates entered the educational system with the attitude that if I couldn’t do anything else I can be a teacher. Too many should never have been let loose in a classroom.

I appreciate the author’s sarcasm and wry wit.

[Margaret · Rating 4 out of 5]

THE SCHOOL REPORT: BEFORE WE WERE TSARS (The Shooting Star Series) by Simon Northouse is a small collection of reports by teachers at the end of a term from years ago. Nothing like today. Apparently these were British teachers and students. This collection of boys went on to become pop stars. What their teachers had to say is hilarious. No real story here, just quick snapshots of how the boys were evaluated. Pretty funny.

[Trish Goodgame · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious follow up to the Shooting Stars series

Firstly, to get the full hilarity of this novel of school reports, one really should read the Shooting Tsars series about an 80s rock & roll band," The Shooting Tsars"
Will (William Harding) is the founder and lead singer/songwriter and a bit of a dreamer, "Gordie" (Allan Kincaid) is the larger than life Scottish musical genius lead guitarist with anger management issues, "Robbo" (Gordon Robinson) is the dope smoking bass guitarist and "Flaky" (John Steele) is the annoying born again Christian, health nut and vegetarian drummer of the band. These "school reports" give a great background of the band members, which explains a lot of their characteristics. Looking forward to reading the next school reports book about this mayhem wrought bunch of hilarious misfits!

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very funny and entertaining short read. Made me nodtalgic

[LAWRENCE GILSDORF · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very Entertaining

This short has some hilarious moments. It put a smile on my face before retiring. It makes me wish this short was longer.

[Slugpuppy3 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very short; quite funny.

[Kitt · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is laugh-out-loud funny at times. The children of today really can't appreciate the no-nonsense criticism and "guidance" we got back in the old days. Mr. Northouse brings those days back. If you grew up in that era, you will probably shudder remembering some of the "honest" feedback delivered, but I'll be surprised if you don't laugh your a** off, too. I did.

[Tanya · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a great read as it will remind you of the things your old teachers would say about your school work and you while you were at school. You will love it

I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.

[Samantha Henthorn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will make you laugh out loud, a collection of school reports enhanced (I hope) for your amusement. Brought back memories, made me smile, and I enjoyed the nick-names.

[Linda · Rating 3 out of 5]

did not enjoy

[Paul Heslop · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's okay