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The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists
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- GenresSelf HelpNonfiction
315 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 29, 2018
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101 people want to read
About the author
Gregory Peart
13 books10 followersGregory Peart, M.Ed., is the founder of socialupgrader.com, the place for awesome social skills techniques, tips, and general life advice.
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
July 23, 2020
This was only partly useful for me. The author views small talk as a way of initially getting to know somebody, so that you can break down barriers and open up the way to more substantive conversation. However, I use small talk as a way to preserve my privacy, a sort of barrier of insubstantive conversation I can use when I have to make conversation with someone but want them to learn as little of importance about me as possible. As a result, most of the author's suggestions for making small talk require self-disclosure - very liberal sharing on one's opinions, experiences, relationships, etc. - which for me would defeat the object of small talk.
The author provides lists of conversation topics in Chapters 24, 27, 30, 35, and 51. I enjoyed those and might be going through them with someone as a fun thing to do, but with someone whom I know well rather than with strangers or acquaintances. I don't enjoy non-purposeful conversation except to bond with somebody (by getting to know them better, having them get to know me better, and just spending time with them), and there are select few people whom I really want to bond with. I don't know if there's a standard personality distinction between open vs. private people, but I think maybe there should be. Is it a difference between extroverts & introverts, thinkers & feelers, or is it its own spectrum? I was constantly reminded throughout this book how unfiltered some people are, just willing to share almost anything about who they are & how they live, be emotionally & psychologically intimate, and build attachments quickly with anyone. Whereas private people are like, "Uh-uh, that's level 60 information, and you're at level 2. It'll take at least 5 more years before you earn that kind of access." The assumption throughout this book was definitely that people are open, or should learn to be open.
The things he suggested that I found useful were:
When trying to come up with an initial opener for conversation, think about the situation that has brought you together with this person. You already have a shared commonality by being in the same place at the same time - try to use that connection to find something the two of you have in common or are both interested in talking about.
Repeat back what the person says ("I went to the Bahamas last summer." "Whoa, you went to the Bahamas?") to encourage them to keep talking.
Recap what the person says so as to show you're listening & to contribute. ("Sounds like you need a vacation to recover from your vacation.")
Say things in a more metaphorical or hyperbolic way to add levity.
Try to figure out the person's interests, the topics the person is enthusiastic about talking about.
Stay alert to any information a person reveals about themselves in order to follow up with questions or conversation on that topic. The information a person discloses without prompting is an indicator of what they want to talk about.
Consider all types of questions in order to come up with something to ask (who, what, where, when, why, how).
Consider different categories of experience using the acronym "FOOFAAE" (feelings, observations, opinions, facts, actions, autobiography, events) in order to come up with questions to ask.
Guess what the person is feeling, thinking, or wants to ask - either out loud ("You might be wondering how that happened.") or just in your head & responding like they actually said it ("I finally decided to give The Walking Dead a try...[How was it?]...It was great, I think I might be hooked.") - in order to maintain the conversation.
Try to respond to people's remarks in some way that gives the person more to talk about, so as to maintain a pitter-patter of conversation, instead of long stretches of one person talking & maintaining the conversation themselves.
When a person makes a comment or asks a question about the weather, something in the vicinity, or something about what you're wearing or doing, they're probably not actually interested in that particular topic, nor do they probably really care about the answer to the question: they're probably trying to make small talk, and that's their opener. You have to lob back some kind of information in order for the conversation not to fizzle out. ("I like your necklace." "Thank you, I found it at Goodwill, actually. I really like making cool finds among all the stuff. Though I'm not sure what the stone is or how old it is, even." That gives them three potential topics: shopping second-hand, identifying stones, and antiques.)
Provide set-ups & concluding remarks to what you say. ("That reminds me, I wanted to tell you... So, overall, it was a good experience. I wish the teacher had been nicer, but I learned a lot.")
Ask for opinions or advice on minor issues, or just express a minor uncertainty or problem you're having without specifically asking for help. Most people enjoy sharing their opinions with people who want to hear them.
Express minor vulnerabilities - feeling nervous, making a small mistake, not knowing something, not knowing how to do something or not being good at something, something not going according to plan. This puts people more at their ease, and provides more to talk about.
Try to express ideas succinctly rather than rambling on.
There's a standard progression of conversation when receiving a gift: state appreciation, describe gift, state benefit of the gift, restate appreciation. The gift giver then acknowledges the appreciation, and explains why they hoped that gift would be of benefit. ("Aw, thank you. A new dog halter for [dog]. This is great, I'm sure she won't slip out of this. It's got pretty embroidery too, this is much nicer than her old collar. Thank you so much." "You're welcome. You were talking about how you were thinking of switching her to a halter, after she slipped her collar that one time and it was hard to get her to come back. So I saw this one and thought you might like it.")
There's a standard progression for wrapping up a conversation: state reason for wrapping up, recap the conversation/time spent together or state appreciation, and say well-wishes or reference future plans.
The author provides lists of conversation topics in Chapters 24, 27, 30, 35, and 51. I enjoyed those and might be going through them with someone as a fun thing to do, but with someone whom I know well rather than with strangers or acquaintances. I don't enjoy non-purposeful conversation except to bond with somebody (by getting to know them better, having them get to know me better, and just spending time with them), and there are select few people whom I really want to bond with. I don't know if there's a standard personality distinction between open vs. private people, but I think maybe there should be. Is it a difference between extroverts & introverts, thinkers & feelers, or is it its own spectrum? I was constantly reminded throughout this book how unfiltered some people are, just willing to share almost anything about who they are & how they live, be emotionally & psychologically intimate, and build attachments quickly with anyone. Whereas private people are like, "Uh-uh, that's level 60 information, and you're at level 2. It'll take at least 5 more years before you earn that kind of access." The assumption throughout this book was definitely that people are open, or should learn to be open.
The things he suggested that I found useful were:
When trying to come up with an initial opener for conversation, think about the situation that has brought you together with this person. You already have a shared commonality by being in the same place at the same time - try to use that connection to find something the two of you have in common or are both interested in talking about.
Repeat back what the person says ("I went to the Bahamas last summer." "Whoa, you went to the Bahamas?") to encourage them to keep talking.
Recap what the person says so as to show you're listening & to contribute. ("Sounds like you need a vacation to recover from your vacation.")
Say things in a more metaphorical or hyperbolic way to add levity.
Try to figure out the person's interests, the topics the person is enthusiastic about talking about.
Stay alert to any information a person reveals about themselves in order to follow up with questions or conversation on that topic. The information a person discloses without prompting is an indicator of what they want to talk about.
Consider all types of questions in order to come up with something to ask (who, what, where, when, why, how).
Consider different categories of experience using the acronym "FOOFAAE" (feelings, observations, opinions, facts, actions, autobiography, events) in order to come up with questions to ask.
Guess what the person is feeling, thinking, or wants to ask - either out loud ("You might be wondering how that happened.") or just in your head & responding like they actually said it ("I finally decided to give The Walking Dead a try...[How was it?]...It was great, I think I might be hooked.") - in order to maintain the conversation.
Try to respond to people's remarks in some way that gives the person more to talk about, so as to maintain a pitter-patter of conversation, instead of long stretches of one person talking & maintaining the conversation themselves.
When a person makes a comment or asks a question about the weather, something in the vicinity, or something about what you're wearing or doing, they're probably not actually interested in that particular topic, nor do they probably really care about the answer to the question: they're probably trying to make small talk, and that's their opener. You have to lob back some kind of information in order for the conversation not to fizzle out. ("I like your necklace." "Thank you, I found it at Goodwill, actually. I really like making cool finds among all the stuff. Though I'm not sure what the stone is or how old it is, even." That gives them three potential topics: shopping second-hand, identifying stones, and antiques.)
Provide set-ups & concluding remarks to what you say. ("That reminds me, I wanted to tell you... So, overall, it was a good experience. I wish the teacher had been nicer, but I learned a lot.")
Ask for opinions or advice on minor issues, or just express a minor uncertainty or problem you're having without specifically asking for help. Most people enjoy sharing their opinions with people who want to hear them.
Express minor vulnerabilities - feeling nervous, making a small mistake, not knowing something, not knowing how to do something or not being good at something, something not going according to plan. This puts people more at their ease, and provides more to talk about.
Try to express ideas succinctly rather than rambling on.
There's a standard progression of conversation when receiving a gift: state appreciation, describe gift, state benefit of the gift, restate appreciation. The gift giver then acknowledges the appreciation, and explains why they hoped that gift would be of benefit. ("Aw, thank you. A new dog halter for [dog]. This is great, I'm sure she won't slip out of this. It's got pretty embroidery too, this is much nicer than her old collar. Thank you so much." "You're welcome. You were talking about how you were thinking of switching her to a halter, after she slipped her collar that one time and it was hard to get her to come back. So I saw this one and thought you might like it.")
There's a standard progression for wrapping up a conversation: state reason for wrapping up, recap the conversation/time spent together or state appreciation, and say well-wishes or reference future plans.
August 16, 2019
The best of its kind and I've read a ton of social skill books. It goes deep and detailed, but that's better than fluffy in my opinion.
on-hold
February 4, 2024I had the sample downloaded, and when I went to buy the actual book, it wasn't available on Kindle US. Weird. Kinda promising, despite lots of "like a boss" type speak.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews