Deep Human Connection: Why We Need It More than Anything Else

by Stephen Cope

“Lovingly crafted, deep, richly engaging, and wise.” —Jack Kornfield
“An important resource...for many years to come.” —Sharon Salzberg
“...brilliant and utterly engaging.” —Tara Brach

This “glorious book” explores the essence of connection through 5 essential types of relationships, “[guiding] us into the infinite mysteries of human attunement” (Bessel van der Kolk, New York Times –bestselling author of The Body Keeps the Score ).

Do you long to connect more deeply with other human beings? Do you wonder if you’re living up to your human potential to make these deep connections happen—and perhaps missing out on this most compelling aspect of a vital life?

In this groundbreaking book, bestselling author Stephen Cope invites us to explore the most important questions in this What is the nature of human connection? Why, precisely, is a capacity to connect deeply so important to the development of our minds, bodies, and spirits? What are the actual mechanisms of connection that we must master during the course of life? How can our lack of connection inhibit our happiness and satisfaction in life? Can we learn to connect more wisely than we do?

Cope is well known as a master storyteller, and he seamlessly blends science, scholarship, and storytelling, drawing on poignant stories from his own life as well as the lives of famous figures—from E. M. Forster to Sigmund Freud to Queen Victoria—whose formative relationships shed light on the nature of connection itself. In the process, he lays out in stunning detail the precise mechanisms of human connection, which he distills into five helpful containment, twinship, adversity, mirroring, and conscious partnership. Then he invites us into a remarkably practical reflection on how these forms of connection appear in our own lives, helping us work toward a fuller understanding of deep human connection—and a more satisfying and fruitful life.
 
Deep Human Connection was originally published as Soul Friends.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Philosophy, Spirituality, Mental Health

288 pages, Paperback

Published March 26, 2019

About the author

Stephen Cope is the director of the Kripalu Institute for Extraordinary Living, the largest yoga research institute in the Western world—with a team of scientists affiliated with major medical schools on the East coast, primarily Harvard Medical School. He has been for many years the senior scholar in residence at Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health in Lenox, Massachusetts, and is the author of four best-selling books.

Reviews

[Paula Kuklane · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was about how most human growth and transformation happen through relationships. The author explored how different types of relationships—containment, twinship, adversity, mirroring, and conscious partnership—shape who we are. He shared how these relationships changed his life and the lives of historical figures. The main message was that understanding our own stories and relationships helps us build stronger bonds and be more authentic.

Some parts of the book I really enjoyed. Other parts felt slow to read.

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book for our times, perhaps. But one that rambles and digresses towards its conclusion, when it finally sparkles with age-old wisdom, backed up by modern psychological research! The title should perhaps have been "Why I Need it (conscious human connection) More Than Anything Else", since Cope writes mainly about his own childhood, parents, friends and loves. He's gay, but, interestingly, has recently forged a deliberate bond with a female 'noble ally' or 'soul friend' who has provided him with 7 years of stability and deep connection, resulting in many good things. "I've never been happier in my life. I felt filled up. I had more love to give, and gave it more freely . . . I had been a fairly selfish or self-involved guy most of my life. Now, I slowly found myself more flexible, more generous, more willing, to stretch."
Anyone can, in theory, emulate this rich and beneficial kind of union with a partner, other and he offers some fairly obvious (I suppose) guidance on how to get there. Fast forward through his chapters on Containment (an exploration of attachment styles, set in childhood), Reciprocity (on 'best friendship' and 'twinship', lesser but nonetheless important kinds of relationship), Adversity, (about how conflict, depression (even) and the expression of strong negative emotions can be beneficial), and Mirroring (very digressive and I forget just what this was about, apart from our universal need to be 'seen') . . . Finally, we arrive at his central idea: that the ideal to strive for is the type of 'conscious relationship' which he has finally created with his heterosexual friend Susie.
To attain this happy state, you have to i) work on it. Set the intention of what you want to create; ii) 'Find out who you are and do it on purpose.' (Dolly Parton). By discussing and writing these things down you build 'an explicit ally'. And then through sharing openness and honesty and expressing your true self (reached through the aforementioned trials), you reach a state of shared happiness. "Joy is the hallmark of my relationship with Susie. Our daily life is simply saturated with it. Joy in the little things."
He quotes psychologist Barbara L. Fredrickson who researched the field and "showed that not only does secure attachment give rise to these passing states of well-being, but that these states then in turn produce durable traits of character. Positive emotions produce optimal functioning over the long term." Side benefits are increasing creativity, self-efficacy and self-esteem. (p.211) Not to mention a stronger immune system, a cardiovascular system less susceptible to stress and a healing effect on past trauma. What's not to like?
There's a very brief summary of how to obtain this state of nirvana in your own relationship, on p.238. E.M. Forster, as Cope reminds us, made his exhortation to 'only connect' his life's work. And that's what we all need to do. For we're all basically made of the same stuff when it comes down to it. And happiest when we viscerally feel that conscious connection, especially in a close partnership.

[Maria Bell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed listening to this book. The topic really interests me, many of the other Authors mentioned in this book l have read in the past, so the book had a lot of meaning for me. l meditate and therefore had read books by Dan Siegel before, and l had read the last book for Stephen Cope. Lot's to reflect on in this book.

[Brooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

This wonderful, nurturing book explores the different types of human connection that we need to fully develop and thrive - to individuate - and how the right types of friendships can allow us to do so at any age. If everyone read this book the world might be a better place. As always, Stephen skillfully draws from modern psychology to explain why each type of connection is necessary and its benefits, and then skillfully illustrates the principle and effect in real life, drawing on his experiences and those of interesting historical figures.

[Taylor Lloyd · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has truly fortified a new perspective on life for me through the teachings digressed throughout. However it definitely does ramble on at times and could have been made more concise. Overall though a very enjoyable and applicable read

[Alyson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here’s the challenge: name a dozen people with whom you have most deeply connected in this lifetime.

[Velika · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very monotone voice, do not recommend

[Kat · Rating 5 out of 5]

As with every Stephen Cope book I've read he is a master storyteller woven with some solid psychodynamic theory. So many places touched my heart and allowed me to explore myself further

[NK · Rating 3 out of 5]

At times slow but an enjoyable read nonetheless. One has to enjoy how Cope threads personal wisdom against historical background and his knowledge of psychology.

[Phillip Fitzsimmons · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is okay. It is pleasant. I don't see it changing anyone's life.

[Nathan Howie · Rating 5 out of 5]

My soul was desperate for these words