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Becoming Him – A Trans Memoir of Triumph
In April 1981, Landa Mabenge enters this world, trapped in a girl’s body. From an early age, Landa is aware that he does not relate to his female form, despite being socialised as a girl. In this groundbreaking and brutally honest memoir, Landa Mabenge establishes himself as a resounding and inspirational voice for anyone fighting to define themselves on their own terms. In mesmerising detail, Becoming Him lays bare Landa’s tortured world, growing up trapped in the wrong body, while unflinchingly tracing his transition from female to male.
His childhood in Umtata is brutally shattered, when at age 11 an angry woman and her zombie-like husband unexpectedly arrive to force him to accompany them to Port Elizabeth. He is shocked to discover the pair are in fact his biological parents. Life in PE with ‘The Parents’ soon morphs into a Dickensian nightmare. Landa is subjected to horrific physical, emotional and psychological abuse as he descends into a world of isolation and shame. He recalls his prison of powerlessness:
“I count the years I will have to remain a slave. There are seven before my redemption: 7 x 365 = 2555 days. Today is nearly at an end. By the end of tomorrow there will be 2554. By the end of the week, 2548. And so I will myself on. Eventually the day will come when I will be free.”
At 18 Landa is finally able to escape PE to study at UCT, where he tries to embrace life as a butch lesbian, but he remains tortured by his female body. After a close-to-death break down, Landa finally finds strength to embark on an arduous four-year-long journey to physically and legally become “him”, relentlessly researching what it will entail to embark on gender alignment. In 2014, Landa makes history by becoming the first known transgender man in South Africa to successfully motivate a medical aid to pay for his surgeries through the Groote Schuur Transgender Clinic.
Both heartbreaking and uplifting, Becoming Him is a unique story of torture and triumph, bravely opening the lid on cultural shame and abuse against those who choose a path less travelled.
In 2017 Landa was selected out of over 60 000 African applicants for the Mandela Washington Fellowship for Young African Leaders. Today Landa lives a transformed and happy life as a transgender educationalist and consultant.
His childhood in Umtata is brutally shattered, when at age 11 an angry woman and her zombie-like husband unexpectedly arrive to force him to accompany them to Port Elizabeth. He is shocked to discover the pair are in fact his biological parents. Life in PE with ‘The Parents’ soon morphs into a Dickensian nightmare. Landa is subjected to horrific physical, emotional and psychological abuse as he descends into a world of isolation and shame. He recalls his prison of powerlessness:
“I count the years I will have to remain a slave. There are seven before my redemption: 7 x 365 = 2555 days. Today is nearly at an end. By the end of tomorrow there will be 2554. By the end of the week, 2548. And so I will myself on. Eventually the day will come when I will be free.”
At 18 Landa is finally able to escape PE to study at UCT, where he tries to embrace life as a butch lesbian, but he remains tortured by his female body. After a close-to-death break down, Landa finally finds strength to embark on an arduous four-year-long journey to physically and legally become “him”, relentlessly researching what it will entail to embark on gender alignment. In 2014, Landa makes history by becoming the first known transgender man in South Africa to successfully motivate a medical aid to pay for his surgeries through the Groote Schuur Transgender Clinic.
Both heartbreaking and uplifting, Becoming Him is a unique story of torture and triumph, bravely opening the lid on cultural shame and abuse against those who choose a path less travelled.
In 2017 Landa was selected out of over 60 000 African applicants for the Mandela Washington Fellowship for Young African Leaders. Today Landa lives a transformed and happy life as a transgender educationalist and consultant.
- GenresNonfiction
207 pages, Kindle Edition
Published July 1, 2018
4 people are currently reading
108 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews
October 17, 2018
2018 has been giving us the most relevant and relatable books and this, "Becoming Him" is one of my most important books of 2018.
Reading this as a black child, black woman, black mother, black wife, black friend, black aunt, black cousin, black niece has been a journey travelled on the daily.
This story is for all of us who've gone through the sewer and came out smelling like roses. Listen to this podcast too, https://omny.fm/shows/afternoons-with... , and you will understand the feels I am in right now.
#BlackStoriesMatter #OurStoriesMatterToo #MyStoryMyVoice
Reading this as a black child, black woman, black mother, black wife, black friend, black aunt, black cousin, black niece has been a journey travelled on the daily.
This story is for all of us who've gone through the sewer and came out smelling like roses. Listen to this podcast too, https://omny.fm/shows/afternoons-with... , and you will understand the feels I am in right now.
#BlackStoriesMatter #OurStoriesMatterToo #MyStoryMyVoice
January 20, 2020
"I have spent most of my life adrift in hollow silos, a bee whirling around in an empty can." ~ Landa Mabenge.
Landa Mabenge is a very interesting person. He grew up in an abusive home, and struggled through alcoholism, poor mental health, and bad relationships as a young adult in addition to struggling to find support through coming out and getting gender affirmation treatment. Now, he's an activist and advocate for transgender health issues and adult recovery from abuse. He describes this journey with such a clear desire for personal purpose that readers can't help but be in his corner from the first page, even through some very dark experiences.
Despite the title, this is not really a memoir about being trans. It is the memoir of a trans man--a small distinction but an important one, I feel. Even Mabenge himself says that the gender affirmation process was only one part of his life--an important part, but not his entire life. There's a lot more to Landa than gender and he makes it clear that he's very much a normal man living an extraordinary life. While there are abnormal and dysfunctional things in his story, being transgender isn't one of them. He writes with himself as default, a powerful thing for a "diverse" writer to do, and very effective. Ultimately, the memoir is about recovery, affirmation, and moving continually upward through life towards one's personal purpose. I personally found it very relatable and inspiring.
Relatable as I found this, I know that there were plenty of references to transgender experience and South African culture that I missed completely. As it was, I looked up a lot of things while reading. I didn't mind it, since that's part of why I read. I did mind the Ted Talk tone of some parts of the book, and the Jedi hand waving over what seems to be an abusive streak in Mabenge's own personality as well. YMMV.
4 stars to Becoming Him.
Landa Mabenge is a very interesting person. He grew up in an abusive home, and struggled through alcoholism, poor mental health, and bad relationships as a young adult in addition to struggling to find support through coming out and getting gender affirmation treatment. Now, he's an activist and advocate for transgender health issues and adult recovery from abuse. He describes this journey with such a clear desire for personal purpose that readers can't help but be in his corner from the first page, even through some very dark experiences.
Despite the title, this is not really a memoir about being trans. It is the memoir of a trans man--a small distinction but an important one, I feel. Even Mabenge himself says that the gender affirmation process was only one part of his life--an important part, but not his entire life. There's a lot more to Landa than gender and he makes it clear that he's very much a normal man living an extraordinary life. While there are abnormal and dysfunctional things in his story, being transgender isn't one of them. He writes with himself as default, a powerful thing for a "diverse" writer to do, and very effective. Ultimately, the memoir is about recovery, affirmation, and moving continually upward through life towards one's personal purpose. I personally found it very relatable and inspiring.
Relatable as I found this, I know that there were plenty of references to transgender experience and South African culture that I missed completely. As it was, I looked up a lot of things while reading. I didn't mind it, since that's part of why I read. I did mind the Ted Talk tone of some parts of the book, and the Jedi hand waving over what seems to be an abusive streak in Mabenge's own personality as well. YMMV.
4 stars to Becoming Him.
September 9, 2018
The blurb alone is enough to encapsulate any potential reader. Journeying with Landa through his book stirs so many emotions. I felt anger, resentment, joy and most importantly, hope. Becoming Him emphasises how adversity is what makes a person who they are authentically and without regret.
My wish for this trans memoir is for it to penetrate the minds of the inflexible and educate the minds of those who have not yet experienced the truths of the world.
A complete outpour of rawness and honesty with a dash of humour.
My wish for this trans memoir is for it to penetrate the minds of the inflexible and educate the minds of those who have not yet experienced the truths of the world.
A complete outpour of rawness and honesty with a dash of humour.
January 21, 2019
Becoming Him is a multifaceted coming of age and a trans memoir. An account of Landa Mabenge’s loving, and happy formative years up to age 11 in Ncambedlana Mthatha. It goes on to a life of anguish , trauma and abuse in Port Elizabeth when Landa was a teenager. It meanders to a troubled and uncertain life of strife in tertiary. And then to a breakthrough as a qualified and an economically active adult, who grapples to recover from his toxic childhood, which now and then returns to haunt him .The last leg of the journey includes the relatively smooth but intriguing process to transition from a female to a male body form.
The story is strong in that it depicts vividly how an often sort after conventional, picture perfect family of bio dad , bio mom , siblings and a picket fence , can be a most toxic and harmful space compared to an unconventional family structure comprising of grandparents and an aunt. In a disconcerting manner it also paints how often times our real parents can make or break us. How evil and terror permeates through Christianity , education, profession and unleashes ferocious psychological and physical scars on innocent and defenceless children.
The book appealed to me as it reconfirmed that earth angels do exist and live amongst us. This is reflected aptly in the genuine friendship Landa had in Thandi and Thuli. The relationship with the likes of Birgit, Ron, Kevin and Priscilla , who went beyond the call of duty to add value to Landa's life. The unconditional support and love from family aunt PP, uncle BJ, and Tando was liberating.
Ask and you will be given. Seek and you shall find. The courage to seek assistance and counselling, to speak out is to be commended in Landa , despite it being an unpopular option within our communities especially when it pertains to family and the personal.
My only gripe with the book is that Landa, notwithstanding his valid reasons, declined to enter Pandora's box on chapter 21, despite an open invitation from the overzealous Pandora. I felt deprived of a sex scene that would have turned out as beautifully as it was already documented. I am positive that Pandora shares the same sentiments too.
Other universal themes covered in the book are family, love, friendship, finances , love, religion, substance abuse, spirituality , survival, mental illness, resilience and hope.
Related in an easy and coherent manner with a tinge of humour that serves to cushion some of the heavy subject matter. A brilliant and jam-packed debut which should find residence in every home . It is not often that one reads a book and then get much more than the intended core message, without the actual core message being compromised.
The story is strong in that it depicts vividly how an often sort after conventional, picture perfect family of bio dad , bio mom , siblings and a picket fence , can be a most toxic and harmful space compared to an unconventional family structure comprising of grandparents and an aunt. In a disconcerting manner it also paints how often times our real parents can make or break us. How evil and terror permeates through Christianity , education, profession and unleashes ferocious psychological and physical scars on innocent and defenceless children.
The book appealed to me as it reconfirmed that earth angels do exist and live amongst us. This is reflected aptly in the genuine friendship Landa had in Thandi and Thuli. The relationship with the likes of Birgit, Ron, Kevin and Priscilla , who went beyond the call of duty to add value to Landa's life. The unconditional support and love from family aunt PP, uncle BJ, and Tando was liberating.
Ask and you will be given. Seek and you shall find. The courage to seek assistance and counselling, to speak out is to be commended in Landa , despite it being an unpopular option within our communities especially when it pertains to family and the personal.
My only gripe with the book is that Landa, notwithstanding his valid reasons, declined to enter Pandora's box on chapter 21, despite an open invitation from the overzealous Pandora. I felt deprived of a sex scene that would have turned out as beautifully as it was already documented. I am positive that Pandora shares the same sentiments too.
Other universal themes covered in the book are family, love, friendship, finances , love, religion, substance abuse, spirituality , survival, mental illness, resilience and hope.
Related in an easy and coherent manner with a tinge of humour that serves to cushion some of the heavy subject matter. A brilliant and jam-packed debut which should find residence in every home . It is not often that one reads a book and then get much more than the intended core message, without the actual core message being compromised.
February 29, 2020
Wow, where does one begin to share his story, get the book and cry yourself to sleep. The early chapters of the book kept me awake, thinking and crying and shocked especially because this is memoir so it definitely happened to someone, somewhere in this lifetime.
A story about Landa who grew up in a loving home with a mother and grandparents in Umthatha until the age of 11 where his life changed drastically. He was fetched by his real mother and father to stay in PE that is when he also learned that he was abandoned by this mother when he was 1 day old to the her sister’s care.
I have never seen such abuse, I even asked myself why did she fetch him. It’s series of types of abuse that is even difficult to comprehend.
The other part of the book, he was born as a girl. As he was growing up he could feel that he was a boy. He had feelings for girls. Later he learned that he was a boy trapped in a girls body but could not understand anything about that. That meant he had to keep to himself both the abuse from a christian family plus his feelings about his sexuality.
Late in the years, he went through depression and started drinking a lot, chilling with wrong crowds and exchanging relationship which left him more depressed. Until he had to face his childhood horror issues and embrace and deal with his sexuality issues and found purpose of it all, his life started to have meaning. Through loving himself and seek professional help, he managed to live a true life.
When parents on daily basis say “you will amount to nothing” those words are hard to erase in ones mind. You live to prove them wrong while you mess everything up. The journey was not easy but Landa is serving as a testimony that once you find your purpose you will understand why certain things happened to you. That once you find your purpose and start loving yourself, even universe ensures to give you tools to navigate in this thing called life.
Landa in his book addresses themes like abandonment, abuse, religion, transgender issues, family secrets, and many more.
All I can say to the author- you are strong. Keep on shining and never lose focus. Hope your last leg of surgeries is done or will happen soon to complete your gender transition. I loved Miss K’s response to this at 90 something years “mine is to support you” very few from our communities who can be that supportive and understanding. As for your uncle “now what is she going to wear” that response cracked me up! Thanks broer!
March 17, 2019
‘I have entered the hospital a man trapped in a woman’s body, and will leave a man emerging from a body that has trapped him all his life’ — @landamabenge
I want to write an eloquent review of this book but I don’t think I’ve got the right words or the vocabulary. I will say this: This memoir made me cry. It is filled with a rich tapestry of emotion. Landa’s writes beautifully and in an accessible manner . His journey growing up is filled with trauma and hatred, it marks the journey of so many of us. His battles with mental health and acceptance also tell the story of so many of us living today and his journey to transition filled with many hurdles and ultimate victories is really moving. A powerfully raw book. A necessary addition to the archiving of Trans* lives. A concrete effort in rewriting Trans lives into existence. A must read.
I want to write an eloquent review of this book but I don’t think I’ve got the right words or the vocabulary. I will say this: This memoir made me cry. It is filled with a rich tapestry of emotion. Landa’s writes beautifully and in an accessible manner . His journey growing up is filled with trauma and hatred, it marks the journey of so many of us. His battles with mental health and acceptance also tell the story of so many of us living today and his journey to transition filled with many hurdles and ultimate victories is really moving. A powerfully raw book. A necessary addition to the archiving of Trans* lives. A concrete effort in rewriting Trans lives into existence. A must read.
June 13, 2019
What an incredible read. The story of Landa is so inspirational. His journey has one feeling so many emotions. It is such a relevant read.
September 27, 2018
beautiful read. Thank you Landa
November 12, 2018
Insightful and educational. Helps remove ill-informed perceptions about the trans.
February 27, 2023
I've never been this excited to read something without getting bored. This memoir will hold your attention from page one. I was so taken with the book that I constantly encouraged others to read it.
There are numerous, significant lessons to be learned from this. Family relationships, substance misuse, difficulties with self acceptance, sexuality, and gender dysphoria among young people.
Schools must have access to this book. I have no doubt that millions of young people now experience gender and sexuality like Landa did, without having access to adequate information.
I'm upset with myself for reading this book so late in the month of February.
He was raised in an abusive home. I had a hard time understanding how someone could give birth to a child, give him away because they love their husband and children from their marriage more than their own children who were born before they met this man, and still have the audacity to threaten anyone who tries to save their child from the abuse and do everything in their power to ruin their future while claiming to not love them. You have to wonder why other people don't want anything to do with Christ when people act in the most wicked ways while claiming to know God.
. I really wanted the mother to get better so she could see what Landa has accomplished.
I'm glad he overcame his obstacles and discovered who he was and what he wanted to do. The book tells the story of Landa's upbringing as a girl imprisoned in a boy's body, not what it means to be trans.
The medical establishment in our nation wants to confine and control us based on what they believe to be normal, even if we disagree. I am happy that he stood up for himself against what is considered normal.
I'm extremely grateful for the opportunities life gave him. I am very moved by this incredible narrative, and I strongly recommend that everyone read it.
I've discovered that while it can be simple to feel hopeless in the face of adversity, it's crucial to keep in mind that there is always hope. Positivity uplifts your mood and inspires you to persevere through obstacles, even when they seem impossible. At difficult circumstances, having a solid support system is also crucial. It's crucial to surround yourself with individuals who can support you when you need it and who are aware of your circumstances. It can make all the difference in overcoming adversity to surround yourself with positive individuals who are eager to give you advise and keep you focused on going forward. There should always be a Tando, Thandi, Uncle JS, and Lethu in everyone's life, but most importantly yourself.
Finally, staying motivated will help you overcome challenging obstacles if you have a sense of purpose. Your focus will be kept on the ultimate result rather than becoming bogged down in the challenges along the road if you have a purpose or mission that you are working towards.
Landa is now a proponent of adult abuse healing and transgender health issues. Even through some pretty sad moments, the reader can't help but support him as he chronicles this trip with such a strong desire for personal purpose.
There are numerous, significant lessons to be learned from this. Family relationships, substance misuse, difficulties with self acceptance, sexuality, and gender dysphoria among young people.
Schools must have access to this book. I have no doubt that millions of young people now experience gender and sexuality like Landa did, without having access to adequate information.
I'm upset with myself for reading this book so late in the month of February.
He was raised in an abusive home. I had a hard time understanding how someone could give birth to a child, give him away because they love their husband and children from their marriage more than their own children who were born before they met this man, and still have the audacity to threaten anyone who tries to save their child from the abuse and do everything in their power to ruin their future while claiming to not love them. You have to wonder why other people don't want anything to do with Christ when people act in the most wicked ways while claiming to know God.
. I really wanted the mother to get better so she could see what Landa has accomplished.
I'm glad he overcame his obstacles and discovered who he was and what he wanted to do. The book tells the story of Landa's upbringing as a girl imprisoned in a boy's body, not what it means to be trans.
The medical establishment in our nation wants to confine and control us based on what they believe to be normal, even if we disagree. I am happy that he stood up for himself against what is considered normal.
I'm extremely grateful for the opportunities life gave him. I am very moved by this incredible narrative, and I strongly recommend that everyone read it.
I've discovered that while it can be simple to feel hopeless in the face of adversity, it's crucial to keep in mind that there is always hope. Positivity uplifts your mood and inspires you to persevere through obstacles, even when they seem impossible. At difficult circumstances, having a solid support system is also crucial. It's crucial to surround yourself with individuals who can support you when you need it and who are aware of your circumstances. It can make all the difference in overcoming adversity to surround yourself with positive individuals who are eager to give you advise and keep you focused on going forward. There should always be a Tando, Thandi, Uncle JS, and Lethu in everyone's life, but most importantly yourself.
Finally, staying motivated will help you overcome challenging obstacles if you have a sense of purpose. Your focus will be kept on the ultimate result rather than becoming bogged down in the challenges along the road if you have a purpose or mission that you are working towards.
Landa is now a proponent of adult abuse healing and transgender health issues. Even through some pretty sad moments, the reader can't help but support him as he chronicles this trip with such a strong desire for personal purpose.
January 28, 2020
It was such a privilege to read Landa's Story. From his childhood the abuse he had to endure from his parents and yet at that time as young as he was he showed so much resilience. There were many times where La da could have died either through the injuries he got from the countless beatings he would always get from his parents, or by depression. I am so glad he lived to tell his tale.
I have always been eager to understand the dynamics within the transgender spectrum. Landa gives us a clear picture of how it felt to him to be trapped in body foreign to who he was/is as a man.
His journey was remarkable and how he reached his victory as heart breaking as it was he triumphed till the end.
Thank you so much Landa for such an exceptional story.
I have always been eager to understand the dynamics within the transgender spectrum. Landa gives us a clear picture of how it felt to him to be trapped in body foreign to who he was/is as a man.
His journey was remarkable and how he reached his victory as heart breaking as it was he triumphed till the end.
Thank you so much Landa for such an exceptional story.
December 8, 2019
Wow, this is a ‘read in one sitting’ kind of book. Landa’s life story would have been fascinating (if heartbreaking) even without his transgender journey, and quite frankly its a wonder that he wasn’t broken by the events of his childhood alone. Yet through courage, determination and the support of some key family members, friends and caring medical professionals he manages to overcome incredible obstacles to come to love and accept himself and become a proud leader in the transgender community. Well written and a great insight to the challenges of living with gender dysphoria. A privilege to read.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 18, 2024
Read for a class and presentation at UCT after hearing Landa talk about his journey and struggles. Definitely appreciate hearing a non-western transgender man's story, as most of the queer and trans stories known in the U.S. are white individuals who are fairly well off financially. I related to so much Mabenge wrote about regarding struggling with gender and mental health, though I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like growing up in an abusive household. So much love to him and his still being here and fighting today despite so many hardships. Not only has he survived but he's sharing his story and helping to educate the world about transgender people's existences.
February 23, 2020
An honest and challenging account of growing up with abuse, engaging family in difficult conversations, and finding one's truth which doesn't always lead down the 'right' path. Fortunately, Landa has become the epitome of Triumph! Having also created the pathway to others who follow, to be that much easier.
October 6, 2024
Read this in one night, truly so inspiring. It's now or never for me.
Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews