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379 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1972
In reality my world remained narrow and populated by one: Frances Farmer. My compassion was sharpened, but my interest dulled if it did not benefit my growth as an actress. This, I suppose, is ambition. Selfish. Brutal. Determined. Lonely. Creative. p.68
"The three thousand and forty days I spent as an inmate inflicted wounds to my spirit that could never heal. They remain, raw-edged and festering, for I learned there is no victory in survival- only grief."
"We were enemies who had grown tired of pretending. We were strangers pathetically bound by the invisible cord that lashes parent to child and child to parent."
"Liquor set free the fury."
"I was not a social drinker; neither was I an alcoholic. Rather, I should say that I was emotionally allergic, for everything about me changed with the first drink. I could feel it, and others could see it, for anger spewed out of me like an erupting volcano."
"My body had known the touch of a caress and the brutality of an assault. Life had carried me on a tidal wave, and I was exhausted... but I did not want to die."
"...I was surrounded by weird and insane creatures. Some were in violent wards, and some carried the keys to these wards, but they all were torn from the same cloth. The caged and the keepers of the caged were soul-mates."
"But whatever label is attached, the horrors still exist and still breed the same misunderstanding and destruction. The victimized still cringe under the weight of the oppression. Nothing is really done to diminish the disgrace. t still clings, like an eternal fungus."
"Compared to the live theatre, we felt movies were little more than unskilled abortions."
"Love died quickly inside the cages, for there was no object worthy of it, and since there was nothing to love, something to hate became the goal. Hate kept one afloat."
"It was, and still is, customary that if a tenure of confinement exceeded one year, the patient was considered incurable and no longer given any form of treatment or therapy."
"Women quietly struggling to retain their sanity removed themselves into safer areas and huddled together in this Neanderthal world, to watch other "ribs of Adam" drink of their own urine and savor their own dung as it fell, steaming, from their bodies."
"rape, in its most vicious form, scarred and claimed every inmate."
"In time, death killed all hope. It did not attack it mercifully but taunted the life out of it, slowly and with deliberate intent. And then, with hope dead, there was nothing left."
"The ward behind the wire fence was no fit place for a God to visit... and He never came.
"Once committed, almost forgotten, is the drastic burden an inmate must learn to carry."
"Is it selfish to want the truth known?"
"The word "REHABILITATION" means to restore a degraded person, and perhaps at birth I first tasted the despondent cup of degradation, for I came unwanted, and the weight of this burden is a bitter load for any child to bear."
"My body had been stripped of its needs, and it was nothing more than a coat if flesh that housed a damaged soul. My physical self was soent and beyond all hopes of restoration, but the part of me leashed to the Hound of Heaven, to the spirit of God that dwells in all living things, cried out for recognition, and that silent cry for help, the cry I was unaware of changed my life. Loving and being loved in return was the motivating strength that altered my life."