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The Vampire Gideon's Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls
In the house on the hill, there lives a vampire. But not of the sexy, mysterious, or sparkling kind. The vampire Gideon prefers to drink nearly expired blood from the local morgue while watching over the humans around him—humans he calls “children,” because when you’re as old as he is, everyone else does seem like a child. And so many of these children are prepared to throw their lives away over problems that, in Gideon’s view, appear rather trivial.
He sets about trying to fix them by means of an unofficial, do-it-yourself suicide hotline. He's sure that he's making a difference, maybe even righting the mistakes of his past. Then one day a troubled young girl calls, and his (undead) life gets turned upside down. Before he knows it, he’s got a surly, tech-addicted teenage roommate—and, at long last, he begins to grow up.
He sets about trying to fix them by means of an unofficial, do-it-yourself suicide hotline. He's sure that he's making a difference, maybe even righting the mistakes of his past. Then one day a troubled young girl calls, and his (undead) life gets turned upside down. Before he knows it, he’s got a surly, tech-addicted teenage roommate—and, at long last, he begins to grow up.
230 pages, Paperback
First published October 30, 2018
23 people are currently reading
730 people want to read
About the author
Andrew Katz
13 books40 followersAndrew Katz, when not reading and writing fiction, enjoys puppers and doggos, black coffee, hiking and writing bios that read like poorly made dating profiles. He is also the proud owner of several paintings he did himself and hides from the world because they’re bad. He works and lives in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 96 reviews
July 22, 2020
4.5 Stars Rounded Up
Trigger warnings: suicide, self-harm, rape, mental illness, abuse
tl;dr: A novel that is bizarre across style, structure and story. If you're up for trying something a bit different, then you're in for a unique, enjoyable read.
Synopsis: Gideon is a vampire who runs a suicide hotline out of the subbasement of the house he lives in. His number isn't easily found, so his calls come from the most desperate people. Some only call once or twice, while others are return callers. One caller strikes a nerve with him in particular and he ends up taking her under his wing. The story of the novella is told mainly through Gideon's conversations with his callers and his ward, as well as through story's of his younger days before he became a vampire.
Thoughts: This was a nice refreshing read because it was so unlike anything else I've read. Gideon is an interesting and (unsurprisingly) peculiar character. I think Katz did an excellent job in writing Gideon's thoughts and dialog in a way that portrays him effectively as someone who is a 100+ year old vampire. He also did a great job keeping this light while doing justice to the heavy subject matters dealt with by the book.
The conversations with his callers are well-written and there's a good variety of characters. The two most common callers, Jacob and Rich are great character in their own right and Gideon's ward, Margie, is also a great character. Again I think Katz did an excellent job writing these characters and they all feel very believable.
The structure of the novel, weaving between present day conversations and stories of Gideon's early life is odd and at times feels slightly disjointed, but overall I think it works well to tell the story. The parts of the novel that aren't conversations or stories are also compelling.
The reason I dropped half a star is that while I found the ending to be fitting and satisfying, I felt that it was a bit rushed. There's relatively little tension or buildup to the ending for most of the novel and then it all happens in the space of around 10-15 pages.
All in all, this was a very enjoyable, very weird read. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone interested in something a bit different!
Trigger warnings: suicide, self-harm, rape, mental illness, abuse
tl;dr: A novel that is bizarre across style, structure and story. If you're up for trying something a bit different, then you're in for a unique, enjoyable read.
Synopsis: Gideon is a vampire who runs a suicide hotline out of the subbasement of the house he lives in. His number isn't easily found, so his calls come from the most desperate people. Some only call once or twice, while others are return callers. One caller strikes a nerve with him in particular and he ends up taking her under his wing. The story of the novella is told mainly through Gideon's conversations with his callers and his ward, as well as through story's of his younger days before he became a vampire.
Thoughts: This was a nice refreshing read because it was so unlike anything else I've read. Gideon is an interesting and (unsurprisingly) peculiar character. I think Katz did an excellent job in writing Gideon's thoughts and dialog in a way that portrays him effectively as someone who is a 100+ year old vampire. He also did a great job keeping this light while doing justice to the heavy subject matters dealt with by the book.
The conversations with his callers are well-written and there's a good variety of characters. The two most common callers, Jacob and Rich are great character in their own right and Gideon's ward, Margie, is also a great character. Again I think Katz did an excellent job writing these characters and they all feel very believable.
The structure of the novel, weaving between present day conversations and stories of Gideon's early life is odd and at times feels slightly disjointed, but overall I think it works well to tell the story. The parts of the novel that aren't conversations or stories are also compelling.
The reason I dropped half a star is that while I found the ending to be fitting and satisfying, I felt that it was a bit rushed. There's relatively little tension or buildup to the ending for most of the novel and then it all happens in the space of around 10-15 pages.
All in all, this was a very enjoyable, very weird read. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone interested in something a bit different!
March 26, 2019
The Vampire Gideon's Suicide Hotline & Halfway House for Orphaned Girls is such a mellifluous title, isn't it? And when a friend-of-a-friend (sorry, I didn't track which one) on Goodreads linked to this slim novel, I was already intrigued. Then, a copy showed up on my local branch library's New Books shelf, so what was I to do? I picked it up, of course—and, reader, I was not disappointed.
In case you haven't figured it out from that title, though, be warned—The Vampire Gideon's Suicide Hotline & Halfway House for Orphaned Girls is full of triggers. Andrew Katz touches very lightly on numerous heavy subjects, and if the title doesn't at least give you a chuckle, the book itself probably won't either.
For an undead bloodsucking fiend, Gideon really is a surprisingly tender-hearted, erm, soul. He really does maintain a hotline, staying awake over long nights in his basement lair while taking calls from a small group of more-or-less suicidal regulars. He rarely hunts for victims, instead drinking bagged blood he gets from a local morgue. And, he really does take in an orphaned girl (well, after orphaning her, albeit for reasons that seemed pretty compelling at the time).
Gideon doesn't sparkle, true—he considers himself more like Vlad Dracul than Edward Cullen—although, behind the glamour that hides his true appearance, Gideon's more like Nosferatu than either.
Gideon is, however, not always quite as wise as he thinks he is—and it takes the wisdom of that orphaned girl to shake him out of his deathly routine.
If I hadn't already been convinced to read this book, this author's biography probably would have done the trick:
That seems like a good enough note to end on.
In case you haven't figured it out from that title, though, be warned—The Vampire Gideon's Suicide Hotline & Halfway House for Orphaned Girls is full of triggers. Andrew Katz touches very lightly on numerous heavy subjects, and if the title doesn't at least give you a chuckle, the book itself probably won't either.
When you are as old as I am, everyone from the past is a boy or girl. No one has enough perspective to be considered a man or woman. These words imply a level of experience most human beings cannot hope to attain.
—p.7
For an undead bloodsucking fiend, Gideon really is a surprisingly tender-hearted, erm, soul. He really does maintain a hotline, staying awake over long nights in his basement lair while taking calls from a small group of more-or-less suicidal regulars. He rarely hunts for victims, instead drinking bagged blood he gets from a local morgue. And, he really does take in an orphaned girl (well, after orphaning her, albeit for reasons that seemed pretty compelling at the time).
I say that sometimes it is nice to be reminded that old things still work. Especially at my age.
—p.119
Gideon doesn't sparkle, true—he considers himself more like Vlad Dracul than Edward Cullen—although, behind the glamour that hides his true appearance, Gideon's more like Nosferatu than either.
Gideon is, however, not always quite as wise as he thinks he is—and it takes the wisdom of that orphaned girl to shake him out of his deathly routine.
If I hadn't already been convinced to read this book, this author's biography probably would have done the trick:
Andrew Katz, when not reading and writing fiction, enjoys puppers and doggos, black coffee, hiking, and writing bios that read like poorly made dating profiles. He is also the proud owner of several paintings that he painted himself but now hides from the world because they're bad. He lives and works in Philadelphia.
—on the back cover of The Vampire Gideon's Suicide Hotline & Halfway House for Orphaned Girls, and elsewhere
That seems like a good enough note to end on.
November 4, 2018
Happiness is fleeting. In the end, everything is.
The titular vampire, Gideon, operates a one-man suicide hotline during the night. Feeling a pull towards one of the callers, he rescues her from her situation, taking her in a ward. Through his relationship with Margie and conversations with the people who utilize his suicide hotline, we learn about Gideon's life, his philosophies, and, perhaps, a bit about ourselves.
This book is hard to put down on paper. It's a quiet, calm story that chugs along. It's majorly told in conversations and relationships between people, rather than real time events. Katz's quick and hard hitting prose and dialogue is tightly coiled and tightly controlled without ever feeling overly constrained. It's even more impressive considering the breadth of characters he presents as reoccurring figures in the story: an ageless Jewish vampire, a 16-year-old girl, a young man with girl troubles, an older man trapped in the psychiatric system, the various phantoms from Gideon's past. Katz captures each one clearly without ever faltering.
Katz also has a skill for hitting a sensitive and difficult subject matter head-on. As the blunt title suggests, many of the characters grapple with suicidal thoughts, as well as various mental illnesses. Katz does not shy away. He allows his characters to speak bluntly about themselves as well as about Gideon's attempts to use them--or perhaps his tendency to siphon their pain as a different sort of vampire.
An engaging, thought-provoking read with a fair bit of humor and more than enough substance for you to really give a damn about the characters, even if we only ever know them as voices on the phone. Hopefully more vampire media goes in this thoughtful and intelligent direction with flawed characters and a true lens on what it could mean to live forever and the toxic ways we try to connect with one another.
The titular vampire, Gideon, operates a one-man suicide hotline during the night. Feeling a pull towards one of the callers, he rescues her from her situation, taking her in a ward. Through his relationship with Margie and conversations with the people who utilize his suicide hotline, we learn about Gideon's life, his philosophies, and, perhaps, a bit about ourselves.
This book is hard to put down on paper. It's a quiet, calm story that chugs along. It's majorly told in conversations and relationships between people, rather than real time events. Katz's quick and hard hitting prose and dialogue is tightly coiled and tightly controlled without ever feeling overly constrained. It's even more impressive considering the breadth of characters he presents as reoccurring figures in the story: an ageless Jewish vampire, a 16-year-old girl, a young man with girl troubles, an older man trapped in the psychiatric system, the various phantoms from Gideon's past. Katz captures each one clearly without ever faltering.
Katz also has a skill for hitting a sensitive and difficult subject matter head-on. As the blunt title suggests, many of the characters grapple with suicidal thoughts, as well as various mental illnesses. Katz does not shy away. He allows his characters to speak bluntly about themselves as well as about Gideon's attempts to use them--or perhaps his tendency to siphon their pain as a different sort of vampire.
An engaging, thought-provoking read with a fair bit of humor and more than enough substance for you to really give a damn about the characters, even if we only ever know them as voices on the phone. Hopefully more vampire media goes in this thoughtful and intelligent direction with flawed characters and a true lens on what it could mean to live forever and the toxic ways we try to connect with one another.
November 14, 2025
This is a different kind of Vampire story. It examines the emotional side of being a vampire, a beings needs, and how even when you mean well things can almost always be misinterpreted or go awry. This delves deep into some pretty heavy topics but despite all that it still made me laugh quite a bit. This made me consider quite a few different emotional themes. I loved the growth of the characters in this, it was fascinating and rewarding albeit a little sad too. Despite the main character being a vampire this really made me think about relationships and how our actions impact others around us-even if (unlike the main character Gideon) we are just boring humans. There were moments that disgusted me (yes there’s some gore), others that made me feel sorrow, and others that warmed my heart and made me smile. This shares some vibes with You Can’t Take It With You by Marcus Hawke which is a very good thing. Id definitely recommend this if you want a thought provoking vampiric read.
June 1, 2021
This wanted to be good but then it wasn't, really.
1. From the jacket blurb, "The vampire Gideon prefers to drink nearly expired blood from the local morgue. . . ." No he doesn't. He says so several times; it's bland and he prefers it from a human, but tolerates it from the morgue because he seems to think he *should* feel bad for wanting to eat people, but doesn't really. Also he finds it pretty ok to go on killing rampages as long as he views those people as bad; somehow he doesn't view himself as bad for behaving the same way as them. This is some next-level bait-and-switch vigilante bullshit, and it's never *addressed.* The cognitive dissonance never sets in. In fact, that's my main problem with this book: almost nothing is actually addressed.
2. "I just wanted a way to live forever, so that I could see the other side of despair. But I am dead, and there is no cure for that."
-The flashback story makes it sound like Thomas Q. Rapist murdered and turned Gideon into a vampire against his will/without his consent, not that he chose to become one. Which is it? What happened?
-"the other side of despair" is one of those pseudointellectual garbage jargon phrases that don't actually mean anything.
-According to the same flashback story, there is a cure for being dead: drive a stake through your heart--it's how Gideon got rid of Thomas the vampire. Inconsistent.
3. Internal inconsistency everywhere: Gideon has tremendous strength and can shape-shift into a bat (that episode was cheesier than a wheel of Gouda), but also his body is literally decomposing and falling apart? So how does he have strength? *What* has strength? When his arm rots and falls off, how is he still strong? Do some world-building, Katz--what vampire lore are you applying here?
4. I don't like the pseudo-magical realism thing where this is set in the real modern world but then vampires exist, and tell people on the phone that they're vampires. It's just not handled very well. See # 3.
5. The whole thing where the sexually abused child views her sexuality as the only/most valuable thing about her, and the means to negotiate any kind of relationship with another person, especially male, is set up well, but then Gideon completely fails to follow up in his response to Margot's come-on; the setup for "I view you as a daughter, not as a potential sexual partner; I know you haven't experienced great parenting thus far but it is in fact not normal to have sex with someone for whom you are guardian, and it's not normal to offer sex to anyone who houses you or is nice to you" is there on a silver platter and then Katz just drops the ball, or something.
6. Same thing with Daniel; Gideon calls him a pedophile but Margot just rolls her eyes, Gideon doesn't ever follow up with "But seriously, it's not normal for adults to have sex with children. That's not ok. This is one of the many reasons why I will not have sex with you, and I want to teach you not to seek out/to be wary of men who think it's ok to have sex with children. They are not good people."
7. Gideon's idea that Margot would be better off without him seems to be making the point that endless disruption, abandonment, and letdowns are A-ok and she'll rebound fine, rather than reinforcing the fact that nonsexual stable relationships are good and important and healthy and Gideon is there to help demonstrate that for her. Gideon constantly wallows in his own experience of letdowns and betrayal, but doesn't grasp that repeated abandonment fucks people up, and then turns around and does it to Margot.
8. Another thing that's totally unaddressed: Margot now has the deed to this house; what happens when she finds the coffin with Rachael's bones stashed in the basement? Presumably Gideon didn't carry it off with him. Also Margot is now back where she started: living alone in a house without the age or the means to actually run her own life. How is she gonna buy groceries or pay her phone bill? Where does that magical money come from?
9. Yet another thing unaddressed: "[John] is my familiar." "He believes that one day I will make him a vampire." ?????????????????????
Well, Gideon, will you? Why not? Why are you deceiving him, then? Who is he? Where did you find him? What is a "familiar" in this world? When you don't world-build, John is just a cop-out to try to patch holes, and it doesn't even work. Margot should have given the school a new address and had the school bus pick her up. Gideon could have done it if Margot didn't want to. Having a weird chauffeur is not less conspicuous than not having one; John causes more problems than he solves. What is he for? Also what happens to him when Gideon peaces out with no notice? Does Margot just have to deal with John?
This book feels like it came full circle and accomplished nothing.
1. From the jacket blurb, "The vampire Gideon prefers to drink nearly expired blood from the local morgue. . . ." No he doesn't. He says so several times; it's bland and he prefers it from a human, but tolerates it from the morgue because he seems to think he *should* feel bad for wanting to eat people, but doesn't really. Also he finds it pretty ok to go on killing rampages as long as he views those people as bad; somehow he doesn't view himself as bad for behaving the same way as them. This is some next-level bait-and-switch vigilante bullshit, and it's never *addressed.* The cognitive dissonance never sets in. In fact, that's my main problem with this book: almost nothing is actually addressed.
2. "I just wanted a way to live forever, so that I could see the other side of despair. But I am dead, and there is no cure for that."
-The flashback story makes it sound like Thomas Q. Rapist murdered and turned Gideon into a vampire against his will/without his consent, not that he chose to become one. Which is it? What happened?
-"the other side of despair" is one of those pseudointellectual garbage jargon phrases that don't actually mean anything.
-According to the same flashback story, there is a cure for being dead: drive a stake through your heart--it's how Gideon got rid of Thomas the vampire. Inconsistent.
3. Internal inconsistency everywhere: Gideon has tremendous strength and can shape-shift into a bat (that episode was cheesier than a wheel of Gouda), but also his body is literally decomposing and falling apart? So how does he have strength? *What* has strength? When his arm rots and falls off, how is he still strong? Do some world-building, Katz--what vampire lore are you applying here?
4. I don't like the pseudo-magical realism thing where this is set in the real modern world but then vampires exist, and tell people on the phone that they're vampires. It's just not handled very well. See # 3.
5. The whole thing where the sexually abused child views her sexuality as the only/most valuable thing about her, and the means to negotiate any kind of relationship with another person, especially male, is set up well, but then Gideon completely fails to follow up in his response to Margot's come-on; the setup for "I view you as a daughter, not as a potential sexual partner; I know you haven't experienced great parenting thus far but it is in fact not normal to have sex with someone for whom you are guardian, and it's not normal to offer sex to anyone who houses you or is nice to you" is there on a silver platter and then Katz just drops the ball, or something.
6. Same thing with Daniel; Gideon calls him a pedophile but Margot just rolls her eyes, Gideon doesn't ever follow up with "But seriously, it's not normal for adults to have sex with children. That's not ok. This is one of the many reasons why I will not have sex with you, and I want to teach you not to seek out/to be wary of men who think it's ok to have sex with children. They are not good people."
7. Gideon's idea that Margot would be better off without him seems to be making the point that endless disruption, abandonment, and letdowns are A-ok and she'll rebound fine, rather than reinforcing the fact that nonsexual stable relationships are good and important and healthy and Gideon is there to help demonstrate that for her. Gideon constantly wallows in his own experience of letdowns and betrayal, but doesn't grasp that repeated abandonment fucks people up, and then turns around and does it to Margot.
8. Another thing that's totally unaddressed: Margot now has the deed to this house; what happens when she finds the coffin with Rachael's bones stashed in the basement? Presumably Gideon didn't carry it off with him. Also Margot is now back where she started: living alone in a house without the age or the means to actually run her own life. How is she gonna buy groceries or pay her phone bill? Where does that magical money come from?
9. Yet another thing unaddressed: "[John] is my familiar." "He believes that one day I will make him a vampire." ?????????????????????
Well, Gideon, will you? Why not? Why are you deceiving him, then? Who is he? Where did you find him? What is a "familiar" in this world? When you don't world-build, John is just a cop-out to try to patch holes, and it doesn't even work. Margot should have given the school a new address and had the school bus pick her up. Gideon could have done it if Margot didn't want to. Having a weird chauffeur is not less conspicuous than not having one; John causes more problems than he solves. What is he for? Also what happens to him when Gideon peaces out with no notice? Does Margot just have to deal with John?
This book feels like it came full circle and accomplished nothing.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 20, 2022
Vampire Gideon takes suicide calls in his basement and ends up taking in one of the callers, a teenage girl who is being abused by her foster father.
I haven't read anything just like this before which is wonderful. Gideon is a grumpy vampire who looks on all humans as just children - they haven't lived long enough to truly be adults. He is slowly rotting away in his huge house and lives on either blood from the morgue or blood from people he views as bad. Margie inserts some much needed humanity along with a lot of chaos and Gideon realizes that he has been lonely in his quiet routine-filled life.
There were several instances in this story (including the ending) where I did not see things coming and I like when a book can surprise me. I'll be looking for more from this author.
I haven't read anything just like this before which is wonderful. Gideon is a grumpy vampire who looks on all humans as just children - they haven't lived long enough to truly be adults. He is slowly rotting away in his huge house and lives on either blood from the morgue or blood from people he views as bad. Margie inserts some much needed humanity along with a lot of chaos and Gideon realizes that he has been lonely in his quiet routine-filled life.
There were several instances in this story (including the ending) where I did not see things coming and I like when a book can surprise me. I'll be looking for more from this author.
March 3, 2025
This was a total title buy. Sure, I read the synopsis and the first page, both interesting enough and sounding like rather different to the usual vampire fare. But it was the title that sucked me in and made me want to read it. And it's definitely different than what you usually get in a vampire story, so at least there's that. Is this more Horror adjacent? It's a genre bender, for sure, and I am usually kind of entranced by those.
Our vampire Gideon runs this unofficial suicide hotline from his basement where he tries to convince people that their lives are worth living, mostly because he lost his own to his current existence. He has regulars and their stories become interesting to you, or at least to me, and while we listen to their lives and their issues Gideon at some point always asks if he could tell them a story. Which is when he fills them and us in on his past. One of his regulars is a teenage girl that gets sexually abused by her father and Gideon decides to interfere and ultimately takes her in.
For a while I quite enjoyed this. It's filled with darker themes (I mean look at the title, this dives into some stuff) but it does it in a very darkly comedic way. It's not exactly lighthearted but adding the angle of the vampire to discussions on mental health, abuse and ending your own life gives them some edge and an interesting perspective. Occasionally, one could argue Gideon makes it out too simple to choose life no matter what but he learns some lessons along the way, too. He is not exactly qualified to do this and that comes into play. There is nuance but the story definitely tries to set a hopeful tone when all is said and done.
His interactions with his guard Margie are the heart of the story with a lot of fun coming from her being a teenager and him being a vampire out of touch with modern culture. It is also warming because they form their own little weird family, full of issues but they are both trying. This approached a lot of rougher topics but it's a refreshing way to read about some of these in this form. Though I am certain some readers will feel like these issues should deserve a deeper treatment. For me it worked is all I am saying here.
But this novel runs on too long, or runs out of things to say, or just doesn't know where it needed to go. Gideon's past is truly not that fascinating and with each "Can I tell you a story" I wanted to hear less from him and the tragedy of losing the love of his life and how that came to be. Closer to the end the story inserts a really strange, unwelcome and unnecessary change to the Margie-Gideon relationship which nearly ruins the whole story and I really don't get why that was there. Maybe Katz just felt like there needed to be conflict? But then we just shrug it off and move on? I really struggled to move on from that and go back to the good aspects this book had for me before.
Like the tone Gideon has with his 'life is worth living attitude' but also being so out of touch with what life really is (and considering what he is hiding in his coffin... interesting, for sure). His voice comes off as a bit flat, dare I say lifeless (!) but that's a deliberate choice, very much contrasted with the very different voices of his callers. Occasionally a bit weird to read but it adds a layer to these characters.
I guess by the end I will settle on a 3*. The book lost me a bit in the latter parts, it runs maybe a bit too long for what it is (and it isn't long). Some aspects were handled a bit wishy-washy, but there's a novelty to the concept and with some distance to finishing it I would say I liked this enough.
Our vampire Gideon runs this unofficial suicide hotline from his basement where he tries to convince people that their lives are worth living, mostly because he lost his own to his current existence. He has regulars and their stories become interesting to you, or at least to me, and while we listen to their lives and their issues Gideon at some point always asks if he could tell them a story. Which is when he fills them and us in on his past. One of his regulars is a teenage girl that gets sexually abused by her father and Gideon decides to interfere and ultimately takes her in.
For a while I quite enjoyed this. It's filled with darker themes (I mean look at the title, this dives into some stuff) but it does it in a very darkly comedic way. It's not exactly lighthearted but adding the angle of the vampire to discussions on mental health, abuse and ending your own life gives them some edge and an interesting perspective. Occasionally, one could argue Gideon makes it out too simple to choose life no matter what but he learns some lessons along the way, too. He is not exactly qualified to do this and that comes into play. There is nuance but the story definitely tries to set a hopeful tone when all is said and done.
His interactions with his guard Margie are the heart of the story with a lot of fun coming from her being a teenager and him being a vampire out of touch with modern culture. It is also warming because they form their own little weird family, full of issues but they are both trying. This approached a lot of rougher topics but it's a refreshing way to read about some of these in this form. Though I am certain some readers will feel like these issues should deserve a deeper treatment. For me it worked is all I am saying here.
But this novel runs on too long, or runs out of things to say, or just doesn't know where it needed to go. Gideon's past is truly not that fascinating and with each "Can I tell you a story" I wanted to hear less from him and the tragedy of losing the love of his life and how that came to be. Closer to the end the story inserts a really strange, unwelcome and unnecessary change to the Margie-Gideon relationship which nearly ruins the whole story and I really don't get why that was there. Maybe Katz just felt like there needed to be conflict? But then we just shrug it off and move on? I really struggled to move on from that and go back to the good aspects this book had for me before.
Like the tone Gideon has with his 'life is worth living attitude' but also being so out of touch with what life really is (and considering what he is hiding in his coffin... interesting, for sure). His voice comes off as a bit flat, dare I say lifeless (!) but that's a deliberate choice, very much contrasted with the very different voices of his callers. Occasionally a bit weird to read but it adds a layer to these characters.
I guess by the end I will settle on a 3*. The book lost me a bit in the latter parts, it runs maybe a bit too long for what it is (and it isn't long). Some aspects were handled a bit wishy-washy, but there's a novelty to the concept and with some distance to finishing it I would say I liked this enough.
April 28, 2019
Katz writes with a skill not many possess. Engaging, riveting, delightful in its dark comedy and fearlessness, this book takes readers through the life of Gideon in an intriguing way - we learn about his past as he tells it to the callers on his suicide hotline - and we also learn about it as he fixates on helping Margot navigate her teenage years. This book touches the soul and won't soon let go after reading.
January 8, 2019
Up until the last chapter I would have given this book 4.5 stars. But unfortunately it was cheapened by some very crude sexual exploits of a minor falling for our dear Vampire Gideon.
This entire book was very crass, but in such a way that made it oddly charming.
Vampire Gideon took it upon himself to care for a teenage girl, after he killed her abusive guardian. The relationship they had read wonderfully as an angsty teen, and a man trying to learn the roles of parenthood. While it wasn’t a father/daughter relationship, you could say it was more uncle/niece. It was short tempered, quick witted, but overall filled with a lot of care.
Up until our author thought it was best for the teenage girl to confess her explicit sexual desire to Vampire Gideon. Unfortunately that was extremely detrimental to the overall story.
Since when does every vampire novel have to end with the woman (or in this case, child) falling for the vampire?
This entire book was very crass, but in such a way that made it oddly charming.
Vampire Gideon took it upon himself to care for a teenage girl, after he killed her abusive guardian. The relationship they had read wonderfully as an angsty teen, and a man trying to learn the roles of parenthood. While it wasn’t a father/daughter relationship, you could say it was more uncle/niece. It was short tempered, quick witted, but overall filled with a lot of care.
Up until our author thought it was best for the teenage girl to confess her explicit sexual desire to Vampire Gideon. Unfortunately that was extremely detrimental to the overall story.
Since when does every vampire novel have to end with the woman (or in this case, child) falling for the vampire?
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 24, 2018
With a title protagonist that is far more man than monster, The Vampire Gideon’s Suicide Hotel and Halfway House for Orphan Girls strikes a wonderful balance of humor and heart. Good, clean prose and the thoughtful exploration of deep seeded, occasionally uncomfortable topics renders this out to be a worthy, unique read indeed.
March 17, 2019
What a fun read. A vampire wanting to help people who are suicidal, by offering them paltry advice and somewhat related anecdotal information from his life.
It was over too quickly. The author should write more, I liked his style and clever references to other books. Just don’t return to Gideon, unless there is a better story waiting for him.
It was over too quickly. The author should write more, I liked his style and clever references to other books. Just don’t return to Gideon, unless there is a better story waiting for him.
January 22, 2022
Laughably bad. There is no way this wasn't published on Wattpad at one point.
January 29, 2025
oh, I didn't want this one to end! I would've gladly read eight more chapters. in the absolute best way, they're sitcommy – structured similarly enough for a satisfying noticeable pattern to develop, but still unique enough for them to surprise and delight.
October 11, 2018
The Vampire Gideon's Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls is a story about a vampire who spends his nights sitting by a phone in his basement while people call his number that's listened in the nth Google page. The story is told through a series of interesting conversations during the phone calls as well as with his charge, Margie. Through these conversations, Gideon learns about other people, as well as the world he's been missing by secluding himself in his basement.
I think this book is a fascinating read and I haven't read anything quite like it before. I love the interesting take of having a vampire run a suicide hotline and how it enables the reader to have a look inside each character's life. It shows that everyone struggles with their own issues from time to time, even the undead. I almost feel enlightened myself from this book because of the wisdom that Gideon seems to have, although he himself is quite clueless. He even calls himself "an emotionally unstable corpse with an unclear vision of reality" (230). I like this idea that even though he's lived for so long, he still doesn't quite understand other people as well as why certain things happen in people's lives.
As I was reading, I had the question in my head of whether it's better to lie to people and tell them what they wish to hear, or to tell the truth. Gideon sometimes lies to people in order for them to be comforted, and other times he tells lies because he doesn't know the difference between what's true or not. Gideon has been living this distorted version of reality for so long that it's unclear even to him what's true.
I think one of my favorite little quirks about this book, however, besides some of the interesting quips, is all of the references to works outside of itself. I love how it gave an insight into the character's themselves since you can learn a lot about a person by what they read, and it also helped me connect more to them in that sense. Plus, now I have a new podcast to listen to.
All in all, I really liked this book, and will probably be forcing some of my friends to read it too.
I think this book is a fascinating read and I haven't read anything quite like it before. I love the interesting take of having a vampire run a suicide hotline and how it enables the reader to have a look inside each character's life. It shows that everyone struggles with their own issues from time to time, even the undead. I almost feel enlightened myself from this book because of the wisdom that Gideon seems to have, although he himself is quite clueless. He even calls himself "an emotionally unstable corpse with an unclear vision of reality" (230). I like this idea that even though he's lived for so long, he still doesn't quite understand other people as well as why certain things happen in people's lives.
As I was reading, I had the question in my head of whether it's better to lie to people and tell them what they wish to hear, or to tell the truth. Gideon sometimes lies to people in order for them to be comforted, and other times he tells lies because he doesn't know the difference between what's true or not. Gideon has been living this distorted version of reality for so long that it's unclear even to him what's true.
I think one of my favorite little quirks about this book, however, besides some of the interesting quips, is all of the references to works outside of itself. I love how it gave an insight into the character's themselves since you can learn a lot about a person by what they read, and it also helped me connect more to them in that sense. Plus, now I have a new podcast to listen to.
All in all, I really liked this book, and will probably be forcing some of my friends to read it too.
October 22, 2018
Definitely a hard-to-classify book. The book has a sense of humor, but the two main characters have some legitimately sad stories. There is some horror/gore, and it's about a vampire, but it's not a horror book. It's sort of about growing up (for both characters) but I don't know that it's really a coming-of-age story. Whatever it is, I liked it - I cared about the characters and wanted to see them find their ways too as happy of a life as they each could have. I don't know that I liked the ending, per se, but I also don't know that it could have ended any other way.
October 29, 2018
This is a VERY unique book about a fatherly bond between an old vampire and a young teenage girl. He runs a suicide hotline and drinks blood bank donations out of a mug; she stomps and spits but really just needs someone to put their (undead) foot down. I’ve never read anything like it!
March 12, 2019
Not only did the title grab my attention, but once I picked it up I could not put it down! The sarcastic, fast-paced dialogue of some of the characters and the blunt commentary from the narrator made this a great read that kept me laughing out loud, while also pulling at my heartstrings. Katz's choice to discuss topics like abuse and depression from the point of view of a vampire allows a direct, insightful tone that is uncommonly interesting. I cannot recommend this book enough!
November 9, 2023
So funny, clever, and deep. Loved all the characters. This book made me laugh, cry, and feel every emotion in between. I would say this is one of my favorite works of horror satire I've ever read. Every character was delicately introduced fully fledged with deep and raw back stories and magnetic personalities. A great mix of comedy and tragedy in one of my favorite genres, horror! I'll be looking out for more from this author.
October 18, 2020
What an interesting and weird little vampire novel! I thoroughly enjoyed the concept and thought the voice was incredibly engaging and well done. The gore and other NSFW concepts were a little much for my tastes and the ending definitely threw me through a loop, but overall this is one of my favorite vampire reads of all time. Super fast to read too since it's mostly dialogue based!
October 10, 2025
*This book was recommended to me by a friend.*
There were things I liked about the book, and some things that I said "I get it bro."
I did laugh at every single fart joke, I am no better than a child.
My favorite parts in the book were the stories he told people about him as a human. There is quite a bit of coarse language in the book, so heads up.
There were things I liked about the book, and some things that I said "I get it bro."
I did laugh at every single fart joke, I am no better than a child.
My favorite parts in the book were the stories he told people about him as a human. There is quite a bit of coarse language in the book, so heads up.
March 21, 2019
The fastest I've finished a book in quite awhile. I know it's a short book to begin with but I was all in from the first page. What a great story- I hope that this isn't the last we hear from Gideon & Margie.
June 25, 2024
A wonderful novel, both sad and funny, from the point of view of an extremely anxious vampire. The voice here is distinctive and daring. I loved it.
June 4, 2023
What a delightfully weird little story.
July 16, 2019
An excellent novel. Sharp-witted yet gloomy, turning what I'd consider your typical "vampire story" on it's ear. The arc of the story moved quickly, the economy of the story proving to share necessity rather than focusing on the fantastic to move along. Highly recommend.
July 1, 2019
"She asks me if I became a vampire to take vengeance upon those who wronged me.
'I just wanted a way to live forever, so that I could see the other side of despair. But I am dead, and there is no cure for that'"(p.32).
Well, if that doesn't give you sympathy for a vampire... a vampire that runs his own suicide hotline, no less. In his expert opinion, having been dead for 70 years, Gideon explains to the suicidal that death is not all it's cracked up to be.
"Finding out what is to come is the beauty of living. No longer having those experiences in store for you is the tragedy of death" (p.36).
Over time, Gideon develops some sense of responsibility towards his repeat callers, and tells them pieces of his own life story leading up to how he became a vampire, in between listening to their troubles and trying to put things in perspective. Gideon (who is asexual) eventually takes in a sixteen-year-old abuse victim who initially contacted him via his suicide hotline and the two begin an improbable friendship. He gets her to read the classics from the dusty shelves of his mansion, and she challenges him to read the Harry Potter series in return. Although goofy and gory at turns, the prevailing themes are meaningful and the ending is good. I am not into vampires, personally, but this book is not as much about vampires as it is about life and death and what makes living worthwhile even when it's painful.
'I just wanted a way to live forever, so that I could see the other side of despair. But I am dead, and there is no cure for that'"(p.32).
Well, if that doesn't give you sympathy for a vampire... a vampire that runs his own suicide hotline, no less. In his expert opinion, having been dead for 70 years, Gideon explains to the suicidal that death is not all it's cracked up to be.
"Finding out what is to come is the beauty of living. No longer having those experiences in store for you is the tragedy of death" (p.36).
Over time, Gideon develops some sense of responsibility towards his repeat callers, and tells them pieces of his own life story leading up to how he became a vampire, in between listening to their troubles and trying to put things in perspective. Gideon (who is asexual) eventually takes in a sixteen-year-old abuse victim who initially contacted him via his suicide hotline and the two begin an improbable friendship. He gets her to read the classics from the dusty shelves of his mansion, and she challenges him to read the Harry Potter series in return. Although goofy and gory at turns, the prevailing themes are meaningful and the ending is good. I am not into vampires, personally, but this book is not as much about vampires as it is about life and death and what makes living worthwhile even when it's painful.
July 8, 2019
This was an intensely satisfying read. Different, tongue-in-cheek, and thoughtful, written in a compelling and very fitting style. I wish the other characters were given more depth and detail, but in retrospect, given Gideon, it's right that we see them only as they exist to him. Definitely a keeper on my shelf, and definitely one I was sorry had to end.
July 6, 2019
Interesting take on more mental health and suicide framed around a vampire.
January 26, 2019
This is probably the most unique book I’ve read, in the best way possible. A fun take on vampirism with all the quirkiness you’d expect from a vampire with a diy suicide hotline, while also being surprisingly dark. I really enjoyed this blend of almost light heartedness and innocence along with the brutality that comes along naturally with certain situations discussed in the book. Give this book a go, you will not be disappointed!!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 17, 2019
This is an unusual and memorable book. It's funny and bittersweet and ruminative and violent. The premise: the vampire Gideon sleeps by day and, by night, runs a suicide hotline out of his decaying mansion. Everything changes when he becomes the undead guardian of a spirited (and living) teenage girl who introduces him to movies, Bluetooth, and Harry Potter. The book alternates between their developing trust, his present-day conversations with callers, and stories of his past life before he became a vampire. Like the characters in Candide, a book this one references a few times, the characters in the Vampire Gideon tell stories of their hardships, often in a somewhat blithe way that is both compelling and hair-raising. There's lots of snappy dialogue and a plot that slowly reveals past events. I finished it in two days. Highly recommend!
November 15, 2021
I dunno man I feel like this book didn’t quite land for me. There’s a way to tackle serious issues with comedy but this book just left me feeling sad. I get that the ending shows that Gideon really needed to grow up but that doesn’t change the fact that I spent most of the book wanting to scream at him for being a terrible fucking resource to someone feeling suicidal. I just sorta felt worried for all the callers all the time. And he also wasn’t doing much good for Margot honestly. Like I know it was sorta addressed in the end but like? Idk. Also so much of this book was just convos. Tbf maybe I have too much baggage to really enjoy the book? Idk man idk.
The references to the Dresden Files and Rubblebucket were wild tho I feel like I haven’t read a book with references so relevant to me in a long time and it was so jarring in a fun way.
The references to the Dresden Files and Rubblebucket were wild tho I feel like I haven’t read a book with references so relevant to me in a long time and it was so jarring in a fun way.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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