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How to Be a Footballer
You become a soccer player because you love soccer. And then you are a soccer player, and you’re suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one teammate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane, and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate. So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a soccer ball before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror. We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media, and try to ensure that we never again pay far too much for a haircut that should have cost ten bucks. We’ll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez, and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson’s assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions. I am Peter Crouch. This is How To Be A Footballer . Shall we?
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2018
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 362 reviews
December 30, 2018
Unlike what you would expect from a book written by a footballer where the focus on the football itself, this book covers as much the non-footballing aspects of footballers (their flashy sports-cars, homes, clothes, haircuts, tattoos, superstitions, music, hotels, endorsements, dressing-rooms, team bus, etc.). Not heavily comical but written/read in a humorous engaging way, I would say.
Very entertaining read. Never recalled being bored in any of its parts. Very honest and not sensationalist. Lots of insights as well. It covers the entire cycle of a footballer excluding the coaching part (book published when Peter is towards the end of his career, aged 37).
From his youth days till becoming an established Premier League player, then securing big transfer moves to Spurs & Liverpool and appearing in a Champions League final with the latter, not overlooking of course his World Cup appearances (and his 'controversial' goal, against Trinidad). A cycle where you've kind of seen it all as a footballer and have some insights to offer.
The question remains whether Peter will ever fancy a managerial role? It doesn't look so for me.
Very entertaining read. Never recalled being bored in any of its parts. Very honest and not sensationalist. Lots of insights as well. It covers the entire cycle of a footballer excluding the coaching part (book published when Peter is towards the end of his career, aged 37).
From his youth days till becoming an established Premier League player, then securing big transfer moves to Spurs & Liverpool and appearing in a Champions League final with the latter, not overlooking of course his World Cup appearances (and his 'controversial' goal, against Trinidad). A cycle where you've kind of seen it all as a footballer and have some insights to offer.
The question remains whether Peter will ever fancy a managerial role? It doesn't look so for me.
November 16, 2019
A fun book full of anecdotes from the 20+ years of his mixed career in football. Not so much a biography but funny stories that will amuse and avid football follower.
I enjoyed reading this and found it easy to dip in and out of while doing other things, not a classic but certainly an entertaining read and left me wanting to read is follow up book.
I enjoyed reading this and found it easy to dip in and out of while doing other things, not a classic but certainly an entertaining read and left me wanting to read is follow up book.
May 21, 2020
3.5 stars
I had to read this as a Stoke fan. Love Crouchy! ❤️ ♡
I had to read this as a Stoke fan. Love Crouchy! ❤️ ♡
March 16, 2021
Oy, Crouchie! You did well!
I guess Peter's book is the best example of what is the difference between "fun" and "funny". Is this book funny? Not really - well, maybe just a bit. Is it fun (to read)? Definitely. What I liked most about this book, is that instead of usual type of sports biographies - you know, "I've been there, done that, played there, won that", blah blah blah - Crouch dives much more into a social perspective of being a football player. Instead of a simple linear story, each and every chapter of this book takes one aspect of professional football and develops it. And most of those aspects are not so very common to hear about - like cars, hair, or headed goals.
You might think, what's so special about cars? Nothing. But they way Peter tells his stories, with lots and lots of insider info and jokes and stories about something as simple as players' cars, you can't help but feel amused.
Of course, there were some better chapters and some worse, but probably that's the most negative thing I can say about it. "How to be a Footballer" is not the most serious book about football, nor the most historical, or the most accurate. Probably it is not even the most funny one. But as I've already said - it is FUN. And if you're looking just for a light read about the King of the Sports, that's it. You found it.
To wrap it up, I want to post a short quote from the chapter about players' tattoos. This quote probably encapsulates this whole book in just a couple of sentences.
Player: John Carew
Tattoo: ‘Ma Vie, Mes Régles’.
Verdict: I think the big former Villa striker wanted to make a simple point: ‘My life, my rules’. Unfortunately, he got the accent wrong on the final word. It should have read ‘règles’. So instead it translates as ‘My life, my menstruation’. On his neck!
Only in football. Only in football could this happen.
I guess Peter's book is the best example of what is the difference between "fun" and "funny". Is this book funny? Not really - well, maybe just a bit. Is it fun (to read)? Definitely. What I liked most about this book, is that instead of usual type of sports biographies - you know, "I've been there, done that, played there, won that", blah blah blah - Crouch dives much more into a social perspective of being a football player. Instead of a simple linear story, each and every chapter of this book takes one aspect of professional football and develops it. And most of those aspects are not so very common to hear about - like cars, hair, or headed goals.
You might think, what's so special about cars? Nothing. But they way Peter tells his stories, with lots and lots of insider info and jokes and stories about something as simple as players' cars, you can't help but feel amused.
Of course, there were some better chapters and some worse, but probably that's the most negative thing I can say about it. "How to be a Footballer" is not the most serious book about football, nor the most historical, or the most accurate. Probably it is not even the most funny one. But as I've already said - it is FUN. And if you're looking just for a light read about the King of the Sports, that's it. You found it.
To wrap it up, I want to post a short quote from the chapter about players' tattoos. This quote probably encapsulates this whole book in just a couple of sentences.
Player: John Carew
Tattoo: ‘Ma Vie, Mes Régles’.
Verdict: I think the big former Villa striker wanted to make a simple point: ‘My life, my rules’. Unfortunately, he got the accent wrong on the final word. It should have read ‘règles’. So instead it translates as ‘My life, my menstruation’. On his neck!
Only in football. Only in football could this happen.
January 21, 2020
Whether or not you are a fan of any of the many teams that Peter Crouch has played for over his long career he has always seemed like a genuinely down to earth and funny bloke, that’s exactly how he comes off in this book. It’s Less of an autobiography than a tour behind the scenes in the Premier league and a glimpse into footballers lives off the pitch. He’ll take his subjects such as cars or clothes or haircuts and riff on it for a chapter, all in his witty and engaging style. It’s easy to see why this book was named one of the best of the year by The British sports book awards or whatever they call it these days.
May 17, 2019
Peter Crouch, Peter Crouch
running with the ball
Peter Crouch, Peter Crouch
must be 10ft tall!
Scored against Milan,
better than Zlatan!
Peter Crouch, Peter Crouch, Peter Crouch!
Nykyisin uransa ehtoopuolella oleva Peter Crouch on jäänyt vuosien varrella jalkapallon ystävän mieleen muun muassa Tottenhamin, Liverpoolin ja Englannin maajoukkueen hongankolistajana, joka urallaan on paukuttanut yli sata maalia Valioliigassa. Sympaattisen oloinen hyökkääjä muistataan myös robottitanssi-tuuletuksestaan.
Crouchin kirjoittama "How to Be a Footballer" (Ebury, 2018) ei ole varsinaisesti elämäkerta, vaan pikemminkin kokoelma humoristisia futistarinoita, joiden aiheena ovat muun muassa pelaajien taikauskoisuus, pukukopeissa soitettu musiikki, tyyli tai sen puute, autot ja muu vastaava. Hän onnistuu myös kertomaan miljoonia tienaavien tähtipelaajien ekstenrisistä tavoista (joko nimeten heidät tai sitten ei) tai hassunkurisista kommelluksista, joita hän on urallaan saanut todistaa. Crouchilla on myös itseironian tajua sen verran, ettei hän säästele itseäänkään.
Suomeksi tämä hauska kirja julkaistaan vuoden 2019 puolella, eli ottakaapa se viimeistään sitten haltuun, jos jalkapalloilijoiden salatut elämät yhtään kiinnostavat.
running with the ball
Peter Crouch, Peter Crouch
must be 10ft tall!
Scored against Milan,
better than Zlatan!
Peter Crouch, Peter Crouch, Peter Crouch!
Nykyisin uransa ehtoopuolella oleva Peter Crouch on jäänyt vuosien varrella jalkapallon ystävän mieleen muun muassa Tottenhamin, Liverpoolin ja Englannin maajoukkueen hongankolistajana, joka urallaan on paukuttanut yli sata maalia Valioliigassa. Sympaattisen oloinen hyökkääjä muistataan myös robottitanssi-tuuletuksestaan.
Crouchin kirjoittama "How to Be a Footballer" (Ebury, 2018) ei ole varsinaisesti elämäkerta, vaan pikemminkin kokoelma humoristisia futistarinoita, joiden aiheena ovat muun muassa pelaajien taikauskoisuus, pukukopeissa soitettu musiikki, tyyli tai sen puute, autot ja muu vastaava. Hän onnistuu myös kertomaan miljoonia tienaavien tähtipelaajien ekstenrisistä tavoista (joko nimeten heidät tai sitten ei) tai hassunkurisista kommelluksista, joita hän on urallaan saanut todistaa. Crouchilla on myös itseironian tajua sen verran, ettei hän säästele itseäänkään.
Suomeksi tämä hauska kirja julkaistaan vuoden 2019 puolella, eli ottakaapa se viimeistään sitten haltuun, jos jalkapalloilijoiden salatut elämät yhtään kiinnostavat.
June 3, 2019
If you like James Corden and think A League Of Their Own is funny, then you’ll love this pile of rubbish. The first quarter is literally just Crouch trying to be funny. It eventually develops into slightly more interesting insights but by and large this is a book that could have been written by an 8 year old.
April 7, 2025
Decent, for a football autobiography
February 7, 2019
Witty and self-deprecating on almost every page, this is a delightful book to kick off the new year with. Peter Crouch, in his trademark style, walks you through some of the idiosyncrasies of a footballer's life.
As a Liverpool fan, I've always had a lot of regard for his uncontroversial presence, a focus on always doing the best he could, and respecting the jersey he wore. For a player who has provided some brilliant moments with some completely unbelievable goals, and yet been described as 'having the same kind of grace and coordination as a horse falling downstairs', I've got the deepest respect.
Crouchie comes across as humble and straight-forward with zero airs about himself in this book. And unlike a lot of other footballing biographies/autobiographies, this one doesn't suffer from the messiah complex. It's a lot more matter of fact and pokes an equal amount of fun at things like hairdos, fancy cars, and sometimes even other players.
And well, anyone's who is (probably) honest enough to admit that, "Had I not become a footballer, I think I would have been... a virgin." deserves major applause.
The second half does have some moments that appear a little contrived, but overall, this is a laugh-out-loud kind of a book, one that invites attention to yourself if you read it in public and keep guffawing.
As a Liverpool fan, I've always had a lot of regard for his uncontroversial presence, a focus on always doing the best he could, and respecting the jersey he wore. For a player who has provided some brilliant moments with some completely unbelievable goals, and yet been described as 'having the same kind of grace and coordination as a horse falling downstairs', I've got the deepest respect.
Crouchie comes across as humble and straight-forward with zero airs about himself in this book. And unlike a lot of other footballing biographies/autobiographies, this one doesn't suffer from the messiah complex. It's a lot more matter of fact and pokes an equal amount of fun at things like hairdos, fancy cars, and sometimes even other players.
And well, anyone's who is (probably) honest enough to admit that, "Had I not become a footballer, I think I would have been... a virgin." deserves major applause.
The second half does have some moments that appear a little contrived, but overall, this is a laugh-out-loud kind of a book, one that invites attention to yourself if you read it in public and keep guffawing.
January 19, 2020
Just brilliant.
May 16, 2020
Tall football player writes funny book!
May 3, 2023
Have never felt so glad about picking up a book!
March 15, 2021
Peter Crouch. 2,01 m. 42 de selecții în naționala Angliei. A jucat, printre altele, la Liverpool și Tottenham. S-a retras acum aproape 2 ani. Deținătorul recordului pentru cele mai multe goluri marcate cu capul în Premier League. Etc.
”Cum să devii fotbalist” este un volum de memorii atipic, pentru că nu se concentrează doar asupra omului Peter Crouch sau doar asupra celor mai însemnate părți ale carierei sale, ci merge în spatele scenei, în culise și în vestiare, pentru a povesti cum este viața de fotbalist în general, în Anglia în special. Aici, jucătorii se împart între meciuri și antrenamente, între banii care vin cu nemiluita și tentațiile nebunești oferite de aceștia. Crouch spune lucrurilor pe nume și ne povestește despre mașini, case, tatuaje, superstițiile și frizurile complicate (ce bine dacă aceste pagini ar fi citite de fotbaliștii români, care mai întâi se tatuează și își iau mașini de sute de mii de euro și apoi dovedesc pe teren ce jucători ”de succes” sunt!). Dar discută și despre vestiare, terenuri, antrenamente, transferuri, voleuri sau lovituri cu capul. O carte excelentă, plină de ironie, autoironie și hohote de râs.
”Cum să devii fotbalist” este un volum de memorii atipic, pentru că nu se concentrează doar asupra omului Peter Crouch sau doar asupra celor mai însemnate părți ale carierei sale, ci merge în spatele scenei, în culise și în vestiare, pentru a povesti cum este viața de fotbalist în general, în Anglia în special. Aici, jucătorii se împart între meciuri și antrenamente, între banii care vin cu nemiluita și tentațiile nebunești oferite de aceștia. Crouch spune lucrurilor pe nume și ne povestește despre mașini, case, tatuaje, superstițiile și frizurile complicate (ce bine dacă aceste pagini ar fi citite de fotbaliștii români, care mai întâi se tatuează și își iau mașini de sute de mii de euro și apoi dovedesc pe teren ce jucători ”de succes” sunt!). Dar discută și despre vestiare, terenuri, antrenamente, transferuri, voleuri sau lovituri cu capul. O carte excelentă, plină de ironie, autoironie și hohote de râs.
April 8, 2022
Poate i-aș fi acordat o stea în plus în engleză, traducerea a lăsat de dorit pe alocuri. E greu de trecut peste unii termeni de specialitate adaptați aiurea, poate nu au fost așa de mulți pe cât mi se pare ca să fie așa de neplăcut. Oricum e citibilă. Unele povești merită știute, în special cele mai din interiorul vestiarelor. Detalii mai puțin știute și/sau bănuite din viața unor staruri.
P.S.: Altfel și titlul mi se pare adaptat forțat. E mai degrabă Cum e să fii fotbalist! "Spoiler alert": cartea nu te învaţă cum să ajungi golgheter în Premier League
P.S.: Altfel și titlul mi se pare adaptat forțat. E mai degrabă Cum e să fii fotbalist! "Spoiler alert": cartea nu te învaţă cum să ajungi golgheter în Premier League
March 24, 2020
Funniest book I've read written by a footballer.
June 6, 2024
Another audiobook, didn���t enjoy this as much as I thought I would, maybe would’ve been better if I read it vs listened to it? I like Crouchy but this was kinda meh for me 3/5
March 28, 2023
I really enjoyed this book. I loved the peek behind the curtain Peter gave us at the footballing world and it’s quirky traditions. From nights out to the music footballers listen to this book had it all. I would definitely recommend this book to any football fan that love a footballing anecdote here and there. Felt like knocking a star off because I am still no closer to becoming a pro footballer after reading the book but we’ll give Crouchie the benefit of the doubt this time.
May 3, 2025
Nice change of pace from my usual type of book. Very entertaining and some very funny but relatable stories.
July 15, 2023
Cudne
January 30, 2020
Entertaining and informaive book about the 6'7" footballer, Peter Crouch. I love football, but am somewhat new to all its eccentricities. Crouch does his best to explain some of them, but I admit it's more my fault for being a latecomer to the 'Beautiful Game.' He is humorous and down-to-earth in a subtle way, and I have a feeling that he added much to all the teams he played for, and I don't mean just goals. I particularly liked his last chapter tribute to Stephen Gerrard. I only wish I had seen them play in their heyday.
October 15, 2023
3.5 stars rounded down.
For me, the best audiobooks are the ones that are narrated by the author, as the emotion really comes through, and that was certainly the case with this one. What didn't work so well is the format and the general way this is presented: I felt like Crouch was trying a bit too hard to be funny rather than actually provide insight into his experiences in the game - it was more like "how to convey a life as a footballer in a funny way" rather than "how to be a footballer" as the title promises.
That being said, I did find the book largely entertaining and the snippets of information that I gleaned were interesting from a fan perspective. I don't support any of the teams that Crouch plays for, but generally that doesn't affect how much I like autobiographies and the like, I just enjoy hearing people tell the insider stories of different professions or lives that are very different from my own. There were times that I did find it annoying how hypocritical he was though e.g. with the hairstyles, tattoos, celebrations and superstitions which, let's be serious, are all quirky and don't really have any logic to them. In these chapters it is really obvious which players Crouch likes and which he doesn't, as he praises some of these while dissing others, with little to separate these in terms of quirkiness.
I tend to think about what score I'm going to give a book throughout, and my score can fluctuate, but this one was about consistently 3.5* throughout. Was heading for a rounded up though, until the last chapter/part (can't really tell on audio) basically god-worshipping Gerrard, which once again was an incredibly biased take. .
Still, a fun listen that provided me some insight into a sport that I enjoy following.
For me, the best audiobooks are the ones that are narrated by the author, as the emotion really comes through, and that was certainly the case with this one. What didn't work so well is the format and the general way this is presented: I felt like Crouch was trying a bit too hard to be funny rather than actually provide insight into his experiences in the game - it was more like "how to convey a life as a footballer in a funny way" rather than "how to be a footballer" as the title promises.
That being said, I did find the book largely entertaining and the snippets of information that I gleaned were interesting from a fan perspective. I don't support any of the teams that Crouch plays for, but generally that doesn't affect how much I like autobiographies and the like, I just enjoy hearing people tell the insider stories of different professions or lives that are very different from my own. There were times that I did find it annoying how hypocritical he was though e.g. with the hairstyles, tattoos, celebrations and superstitions which, let's be serious, are all quirky and don't really have any logic to them. In these chapters it is really obvious which players Crouch likes and which he doesn't, as he praises some of these while dissing others, with little to separate these in terms of quirkiness.
I tend to think about what score I'm going to give a book throughout, and my score can fluctuate, but this one was about consistently 3.5* throughout. Was heading for a rounded up though, until the last chapter/part (can't really tell on audio) basically god-worshipping Gerrard, which once again was an incredibly biased take. .
Still, a fun listen that provided me some insight into a sport that I enjoy following.
November 20, 2018
5 stars if you haven't heard the podcasts, 3 if you have.
A lot of the material is identical to stuff in the podcasts. Would have enjoyed it a lot more if I hadn't just listened to them.
A lot of the material is identical to stuff in the podcasts. Would have enjoyed it a lot more if I hadn't just listened to them.
November 5, 2019
Not as funny as I expected, or maybe I’d just heard most of the best anecdotes through That Peter Crouch Podcast, but an easy and enjoyable read nonetheless.
May 1, 2024
Title: How to Be a Footballer by Peter Crouch
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (4/5)
Review:
"How to Be a Footballer" by Peter Crouch is a hilarious and insightful look into the world of professional football, written by one of the game's most iconic figures. With his trademark wit and self-deprecating humor, Crouch offers readers a behind-the-scenes glimpse into the highs and lows of life as a professional athlete, from the locker room banter to the pressure of performing on the pitch.
Entertaining Anecdotes:
One of the highlights of "How to Be a Footballer" is Crouch's ability to spin a good yarn. From his early days as a gangly teenager trying to make it in the world of professional football to his experiences playing for some of the biggest clubs in England, Crouch regales readers with entertaining anecdotes and laugh-out-loud stories that are sure to delight fans of the beautiful game.
Insider Insights:
In addition to the laughs, "How to Be a Footballer" also offers valuable insights into the inner workings of professional football. Crouch pulls back the curtain on topics like transfer rumors, contract negotiations, and the unique dynamics of the dressing room, giving readers a newfound appreciation for the complexities of the sport. Whether you're a die-hard fan or a casual observer, there's something in this book for everyone.
Other Footballers Mentioned:
Throughout "How to Be a Footballer," Crouch shares anecdotes and encounters with a host of other footballing personalities, including:
- Steven Gerrard: Crouch discusses his admiration for the Liverpool legend and recounts their time playing together for England.
- Jermain Defoe: Crouch shares stories of his friendship with the prolific striker and their time together at Tottenham Hotspur.
- Rio Ferdinand: Crouch reflects on his interactions with the former Manchester United defender and offers insights into his playing style and leadership qualities.
- And many more: From teammates to opponents, Crouch offers glimpses into the lives and careers of numerous footballing stars, providing readers with a comprehensive portrait of the modern game.
Conclusion:
In conclusion, "How to Be a Footballer" by Peter Crouch is a must-read for football fans of all stripes. With its blend of humor, insight, and behind-the-scenes anecdotes, this book offers a unique perspective on the world of professional football that is sure to entertain and enlighten readers. Whether you're a lifelong supporter or a casual observer, Crouch's wit and wisdom make this book a winner.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (4/5)
Review:
"How to Be a Footballer" by Peter Crouch is a hilarious and insightful look into the world of professional football, written by one of the game's most iconic figures. With his trademark wit and self-deprecating humor, Crouch offers readers a behind-the-scenes glimpse into the highs and lows of life as a professional athlete, from the locker room banter to the pressure of performing on the pitch.
Entertaining Anecdotes:
One of the highlights of "How to Be a Footballer" is Crouch's ability to spin a good yarn. From his early days as a gangly teenager trying to make it in the world of professional football to his experiences playing for some of the biggest clubs in England, Crouch regales readers with entertaining anecdotes and laugh-out-loud stories that are sure to delight fans of the beautiful game.
Insider Insights:
In addition to the laughs, "How to Be a Footballer" also offers valuable insights into the inner workings of professional football. Crouch pulls back the curtain on topics like transfer rumors, contract negotiations, and the unique dynamics of the dressing room, giving readers a newfound appreciation for the complexities of the sport. Whether you're a die-hard fan or a casual observer, there's something in this book for everyone.
Other Footballers Mentioned:
Throughout "How to Be a Footballer," Crouch shares anecdotes and encounters with a host of other footballing personalities, including:
- Steven Gerrard: Crouch discusses his admiration for the Liverpool legend and recounts their time playing together for England.
- Jermain Defoe: Crouch shares stories of his friendship with the prolific striker and their time together at Tottenham Hotspur.
- Rio Ferdinand: Crouch reflects on his interactions with the former Manchester United defender and offers insights into his playing style and leadership qualities.
- And many more: From teammates to opponents, Crouch offers glimpses into the lives and careers of numerous footballing stars, providing readers with a comprehensive portrait of the modern game.
Conclusion:
In conclusion, "How to Be a Footballer" by Peter Crouch is a must-read for football fans of all stripes. With its blend of humor, insight, and behind-the-scenes anecdotes, this book offers a unique perspective on the world of professional football that is sure to entertain and enlighten readers. Whether you're a lifelong supporter or a casual observer, Crouch's wit and wisdom make this book a winner.
May 28, 2020
** literally woke up at 5.30 AM for a week to read this without being judged for constant giggling and boy was it worth it **
You know what I love? Benedict Cumberbatch, yes. But also, books that make a claim, deliver on that and go above and beyond. Peter Crouch's How to be a Football is blockbuster entertainment. It's hilarious without trying hard. Dishing out spicy gossip without ever being mean, spilling the tea without feeling like a TMZ paparazzi. All the while staying true to his skills and love for the game.
It's not your average, borderline narcissistic footballing autobiography. It's heartfelt with stories from his youth club; covering the stories of him being signed for the first time, being let go by another club, dealing with the imposter syndrome of not being good enough and having dry spells of not scoring (goals, not girls or as Crouchy would say "If I wasn't a footballer, I'd be a virgin.)
His writing is so effortless and almost like a seasoned professional (making me wonder if he got any help). He is known for his humour and always seen as someone who doesn't take himself too seriously. He calls out some of the ridiculous attitudes and actions of footballer while also reminding the readers what the sport is truly about. I personally felt that he hit the balance between personal anecdotes through behind the scene and autobiography through factual accounts really well.
It took me mere two pages to feel connected and to feel like he is my bestie (heck, I even DMed him on Instagram like we play 5-a-side on the weekend). What an entertaining work, I am already ready with I, Robot part 2 of how to be a footballer.
Crouchy you're a beaut.
P.S. The last chapter is literally the cutest love letter to Steven Gerrard and it's so all kinds of adorable and beautiful. I admire Gerrard for the player he is, Crouchy made me love him for the man he is. Such adorable bromance, I can't even.
note: I woke up early because due to the pandemic, I moved home and it's really annoying to read something funny, have a chuckle and then be asked "what's written, why you laughing" by everyone else at home. Also, waking up early is fun. No? Just me? Cool cool cool.
You know what I love? Benedict Cumberbatch, yes. But also, books that make a claim, deliver on that and go above and beyond. Peter Crouch's How to be a Football is blockbuster entertainment. It's hilarious without trying hard. Dishing out spicy gossip without ever being mean, spilling the tea without feeling like a TMZ paparazzi. All the while staying true to his skills and love for the game.
It's not your average, borderline narcissistic footballing autobiography. It's heartfelt with stories from his youth club; covering the stories of him being signed for the first time, being let go by another club, dealing with the imposter syndrome of not being good enough and having dry spells of not scoring (goals, not girls or as Crouchy would say "If I wasn't a footballer, I'd be a virgin.)
His writing is so effortless and almost like a seasoned professional (making me wonder if he got any help). He is known for his humour and always seen as someone who doesn't take himself too seriously. He calls out some of the ridiculous attitudes and actions of footballer while also reminding the readers what the sport is truly about. I personally felt that he hit the balance between personal anecdotes through behind the scene and autobiography through factual accounts really well.
It took me mere two pages to feel connected and to feel like he is my bestie (heck, I even DMed him on Instagram like we play 5-a-side on the weekend). What an entertaining work, I am already ready with I, Robot part 2 of how to be a footballer.
Crouchy you're a beaut.
P.S. The last chapter is literally the cutest love letter to Steven Gerrard and it's so all kinds of adorable and beautiful. I admire Gerrard for the player he is, Crouchy made me love him for the man he is. Such adorable bromance, I can't even.
note: I woke up early because due to the pandemic, I moved home and it's really annoying to read something funny, have a chuckle and then be asked "what's written, why you laughing" by everyone else at home. Also, waking up early is fun. No? Just me? Cool cool cool.
September 2, 2019
I have always had some liking for Mr. Crouch, but after reading the book I have to say I love the guy.
The book is written in informal style, giving us all the inside information about English football, clubs, players and background staff. Mr. Crouch gave us an honest and truthful view on how it is to be a professional footballer in England. You can see how the players start their careers, what happens when you start earning wage as a footballer and, of course, what happens when you start earning huge amounts of money. The relationships with family, teammates, fans, staff and agents are sometimes really hilarious but often sad.
However, the book is not boring and crowded with facts, it is funny, witty and easy to read. In some places I really laughed out loud.
All in all, if you like football and would like to know more about what really happens in clubs read this.
P.S. Mr. Crouch, if it ever again happens that you buy a sweater you don't like, please, I will buy you a pint of Guinness, just because I enjoyed the book so much.
The book is written in informal style, giving us all the inside information about English football, clubs, players and background staff. Mr. Crouch gave us an honest and truthful view on how it is to be a professional footballer in England. You can see how the players start their careers, what happens when you start earning wage as a footballer and, of course, what happens when you start earning huge amounts of money. The relationships with family, teammates, fans, staff and agents are sometimes really hilarious but often sad.
However, the book is not boring and crowded with facts, it is funny, witty and easy to read. In some places I really laughed out loud.
All in all, if you like football and would like to know more about what really happens in clubs read this.
P.S. Mr. Crouch, if it ever again happens that you buy a sweater you don't like, please, I will buy you a pint of Guinness, just because I enjoyed the book so much.
January 18, 2020
One of my goals this year is to read the occasional at-least-vaguely-biographical book, because it's a genre I have actively avoided for as long as I've been able to read. I live in the real world, I don't generally wish to spend time there in my reading life...however, I want to challenge my typical reading preferences and this was recommended by a reliable source :-)
Peter Crouch manages to be amusing, authentic, and heartfelt by turns in this deftly accomplished and largely heart-warming book - a very enjoyable read, and on this evidence the work of a genuinely lovely person!
Peter Crouch manages to be amusing, authentic, and heartfelt by turns in this deftly accomplished and largely heart-warming book - a very enjoyable read, and on this evidence the work of a genuinely lovely person!
October 12, 2019
Not all football books are funny, but then again not all footballers are funny. Based on an idea from his podcasts, Peter Crouch tries his hand at writing and it works very well.
This isn't your normal football autobiography but more of a list of little subjects; he gives very good analogies on each whether they're managers, players and a lot more besides. The book has received glowing reviews and I'm not surprised
This isn't your normal football autobiography but more of a list of little subjects; he gives very good analogies on each whether they're managers, players and a lot more besides. The book has received glowing reviews and I'm not surprised
March 10, 2020
Surprisingly enjoyable autobiography that is different from most others. Crouch, who doesn't take himself too seriously and yet managed to thrive at the highest levels, provides funny and illuminative insights into the lives of the average top-level footballer. And the final chapter, solely on Steven Gerrard, proves a great finish.
July 9, 2025
Listened to the audiobook, narrated by Crouch himself, in his typical dry humour. The book is divided into chapters, each covers an aspect of being a Premier League footballer, ranging from social media and transfers to goal droughts and headers. It was entertaining throughout, though the title is misleading since Crouch talks little about his childhood and how he became a professional footballer.
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