Delightful book.
Would read anything this author wrote.
"WHY I LOVE MATTERDALE
NOBODY IS GOING TO GET TOO BIG FOR THEIR BOOTS:
I was recently lucky enough to have some success with a book I wrote called 'The Shepherd's Life'. My neighbour rang me up one night and left a message on the answering machine:
'It's all very well being a writer and being on TV and all that stuff, but could you maybe remember to shut your gates, you dopey bugger, because your bloody sheep are on the road. Good night.'
"SHEEPDOG COMMANDS EXPLAINED:
Come here: Please come to me right now. (It is not good if the dog keeps going over the horizon.)
Lie down: Please stop and drop to the ground, because you have gone crazy, the sheep are scattering, and if you don't lie down right now they will be halfway to Manchester. 'Lie down,' said again means, 'if you don't stop right now you're sacked.'
Stay: Please freeze right now, and don't move a muscle. I once heard an old shepherd say his dog was so obedient that he forgot he had told it to stay by some sheep - until he came back the next day and it was still holding them in the same place.
Away: Please go in an anti-clockwise direction around the sheep (God only knows how sheepdogs know what clockwise is).
Come by: Please go in a clockwise direction around the sheep (opposite of the above). Do not jump over the fence at the far end and keep going into the sunset
Look back: I can see sheep that you can't. You didn't go far enough, so turn around, you idiot, and look back to where they are. Sometimes the dog looks back as if to say, I'm the one up here, mate, and I'm telling you this is the best we are going to do.
N.B. A good dog hangs on your every word. A great dog sometimes knows best and does what needs doing whatever you've said. We call this a 'clever fucker'; but if it ignores you and is wrong, a 'useless fucker'.
Steady: Slow down, or the sheep will jump the wall into the vicarage or the back gardens of incomers and I will be getting angry phone calls and threats of insurance claims all evening.
Heel: I don't want you to do anything just yet, so walk at my heels, almost touching my leg and stay there, because I don't want you running about upsetting the sheep.
Bike: I know you can't drive it, but get on the quad bike and stay there.
Bed: Go straight to your kennel - you are an idiot, doing more harm than good. Stay in your kennel. Never come out of your kennel again.
Good dog, you did alright: Oh my God, you are amazing. I've never seen better sheepdog work. If I had to choose right now between my wife and you, she's packing her bags and you can come in and watch TV."