Well, I wasn’t missing anything waiting all these years to finish this trilogy. What a snooze.
The first 100 pages of the book is just a party Jess throws in Steven and Billie’s apartment, much to the chagrin of Liz. Of course they don’t get it picked up in time before Steven and Billie get back, and Steven is, rightfully, very pissed off. Liz and Jess’s plots diverge after that. We will start with Liz.
Liz meets Ian and, to the shock of all readers, does not cheat on Todd with him. In fact, she tells Ian she has a boyfriend. I just about had a heart attack when I read that part. She does want to be friends with Ian though, and he takes her to one of his journalism classes. Naturally, this gives Liz an orgasm. In fact, his class is run by the popular journalist Felicia Newkirk. Liz can’t wait to meet her. Until she turns out to be the devil wears reading glasses. She skewers Liz based on her appearance, essentially calling her a dumb blonde. Liz cannot take any criticism at all ever, so she tries pathetically to defend herself. Felicia then announces they will be having an essay contest. She asks Liz if she will be participating. Because Liz has to prove to everyone she is perfect and untouchable, she says yes. But at first she struggles to think of a topic for the essay. Then Billie suggests that she should write about what she knows. Obviously Liz knows nothing (even less than Jon Snow) but, because of the one college party she and Jessica threw, she thinks she is now an expert on underage drinking. She stays up until 5:30 am writing the paper. She runs around the next day on 45 minutes of sleep. She even uses the word “damn,” so you know things are serious. When it comes time for the class Liz is beyond harried and nervous. She knows she cannot handle being humiliated again on such little sleep. But, to the shock of literally everyone in the universe, Felicia announces Liz is the winner and apologizes for gravely misjudging her. Barf. Bye Felicia. Liz wins an internship, her piece edited and published by Felicia, and an ego swelled so big she doesn’t want to return to high school. The twins have been driving Billie and Steven slowly crazy, and they can’t wait for them to go home. They have a problem on their hands when Liz returns home from her victory and states that she will be staying at SVU.
Jessica’s plot involves what it always does: a guy. This is Zach Marsden, the guy who Jess will find out is lying about his age in the next book. But in this one she is piling on the lies herself as she says how she went to Princeton (ahahahahahahaha) and grew up on the East Coast. She is also simultaneously trying to rush the Theta sorority... two years early. She balances her time between the Thetas, Zach, and lying to everyone. Then she finds out that Magda, the head of the sorority, also has a thing for Zach. Oops. Then she has to balance everything AND avoid Magda seeing her with Zach. She eventually tells Billie about her dilemma and Billie suggests she come clean to everyone. You might have noticed that’s not exactly Jessica’s style. She’s also still dating Ken at this time, so she’s cheating on him (big surprise). We end with Zach and Jess at a diner that the Thetas, including Magda, show up at, leaving Jess with no way out.
Quotes:
Liz’s brain: My love for Todd is so strong, I couldn’t possibly be interested in anyone else.
It’s so strong she’s having these feelings for a guy yet again.
“[Jessica] looked over the menu. Guava juice? Soba noodles? Somehow she had the feeling they didn’t serve milkshakes and fries- her snacks of choice at her favorite restaurant hangout, The Dairi Burger.”
But Jess, you could be a perfect size two instead of a perfect size six if you ate soba noodles and drank guava juice.
Jessica’s mind: I may be somewhat preoccupied with boys, but I’m certainly not shallow or dumb.
Somewhat preoccupied? Jess, that’s like saying the Mona Lisa is somewhat famous.