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Vampire Umpire
Vampire Umpire is a novel about a vampire who wishes to become an umpire, and the friendship he forms with a new and gifted tennis player he meets when he joins the tour. For a vampire to umpire, he must face seemingly insurmountable challenges to achieve his dream, and what finer, truer metaphor could there possibly be for the human condition? Filled with adventure, excitement, romance, humour and horror, this excellent book will no doubt delight some of the people who read it. Since I am the only person who has read it though, here is a pull quote from Anthony Burgess about "Everybody knows now that [it] is the greatest novel of the twentieth century” Again, that quote is about Ulysses, not Vampire Umpire. But only because Vampire Umpire is the greatest novel of the twenty first century.
389 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 24, 2017
5 people want to read
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Displaying 1 of 1 review
October 30, 2020
There sould be a zero-stars option, but even that would not tell you how bad this book is. It's a minus star book.
Without doubt the worst book I have ever read. I do not often give up, but halfway through I just swore and threw it across the room. It is dreadful.
The author obviously thinks he is hilarious. He's not. He's really irritating. His descriptions are that of a 12 year old trying to appear literate. Just do yourselves a favour and go to Amazon and read the first paragraphs. It is like this all the way through. Here are some choice Gems... "Vampire Umpire doubled over like a pig in David Cameron's basement"... "It would carry our scent all over the city, and they'd track us down like Donald Trump tracks down a lady's crotch, and grab it just as viciously"..."The thick forest surrounding the hotel thins tolerably in the autumn, like Barack Obama's hair in the twilight of his presidency". Now... I can't stand Cameron and hate Trump with a passion, but that is dire isn't it? It's not subtle. It's like a child trying to appear grown-up. Really really awful.
The clues were there from the shoddy packaging of the book and every page number missing it's bottom 50% so you have no idea what page you are on. Also every paragraph (they are never very long) and every time someone speaks there is a massive gap... and the print is large. The book is around 380-ish pages long (no idea as the numbers are unreadable). The best thing I can say is it's probably only about 190 'real' pages. It says how bad it is when I could not be arsed to finish the last half.
The best thing about the book is the title and the blurb on the back. That's it. You can tell that the author was chortling as his wit and intelligence while writing this, but he's sadly deluded. All I can compare it with is... we all have a friend or relative that thinks they are funny and insists on telling jokes, and who does not (or cares not) sense the feeling of unease among their audience. And as the first joke falls flat and there is silence... followed by tumbleweed and a tolling bell... do they cut their losses? Nope. They try another joke. And another. Until people uneasily shuffle away and avoid them like the plague. Well... I shuffled off halfway through and I will avoid this author like the plague from now on too.
One last thing... It is obvious that the positive reviews on Amazon are written by Macpherson, and he's even given his own book a 5-star review here. He might see it as satire, but... What. A. Loser.
Without doubt the worst book I have ever read. I do not often give up, but halfway through I just swore and threw it across the room. It is dreadful.
The author obviously thinks he is hilarious. He's not. He's really irritating. His descriptions are that of a 12 year old trying to appear literate. Just do yourselves a favour and go to Amazon and read the first paragraphs. It is like this all the way through. Here are some choice Gems... "Vampire Umpire doubled over like a pig in David Cameron's basement"... "It would carry our scent all over the city, and they'd track us down like Donald Trump tracks down a lady's crotch, and grab it just as viciously"..."The thick forest surrounding the hotel thins tolerably in the autumn, like Barack Obama's hair in the twilight of his presidency". Now... I can't stand Cameron and hate Trump with a passion, but that is dire isn't it? It's not subtle. It's like a child trying to appear grown-up. Really really awful.
The clues were there from the shoddy packaging of the book and every page number missing it's bottom 50% so you have no idea what page you are on. Also every paragraph (they are never very long) and every time someone speaks there is a massive gap... and the print is large. The book is around 380-ish pages long (no idea as the numbers are unreadable). The best thing I can say is it's probably only about 190 'real' pages. It says how bad it is when I could not be arsed to finish the last half.
The best thing about the book is the title and the blurb on the back. That's it. You can tell that the author was chortling as his wit and intelligence while writing this, but he's sadly deluded. All I can compare it with is... we all have a friend or relative that thinks they are funny and insists on telling jokes, and who does not (or cares not) sense the feeling of unease among their audience. And as the first joke falls flat and there is silence... followed by tumbleweed and a tolling bell... do they cut their losses? Nope. They try another joke. And another. Until people uneasily shuffle away and avoid them like the plague. Well... I shuffled off halfway through and I will avoid this author like the plague from now on too.
One last thing... It is obvious that the positive reviews on Amazon are written by Macpherson, and he's even given his own book a 5-star review here. He might see it as satire, but... What. A. Loser.
Displaying 1 of 1 review