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Qualitative Studies in Psychology Series
Flirting with Danger: Young Women's Reflections on Sexuality and Domination
In Flirting with Danger, Lynn M. Phillips explores how young women make sense of, resist, and negotiate conflicting cultural messages about sexual agency, responsibility, aggression, and desire. How do women develop their ideas about sex, love, and domination? Why do they express feminist views condemning male violence in the abstract, but often adamantly refuse to name their own violent and exploitive encounters as abuse, rape, or victimization?
Based on in-depth individual and collective interviews with a racially and culturally diverse sample of college-aged women, Flirting with Danger sheds valuable light on the cultural lenses through which young women interpret their sexual encounters and their experiences of male aggression in heterosexual relationships.
Phillips makes an important contribution to the fields of female and adolescent sexuality, feminist theory, and feminist method. The volume will also be of particular use to advocates seeking to design prevention and intervention programs which speak to the complex needs of women grappling with questions of sexuality and violence.
Based on in-depth individual and collective interviews with a racially and culturally diverse sample of college-aged women, Flirting with Danger sheds valuable light on the cultural lenses through which young women interpret their sexual encounters and their experiences of male aggression in heterosexual relationships.
Phillips makes an important contribution to the fields of female and adolescent sexuality, feminist theory, and feminist method. The volume will also be of particular use to advocates seeking to design prevention and intervention programs which speak to the complex needs of women grappling with questions of sexuality and violence.
253 pages, Paperback
First published November 1, 2000
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
July 24, 2025
A necessary and thoughtful exploration of the contradictions and complexities within how women make sense of their experiences of sexuality and violence, done through interviews with a relatively diverse group of young women. Well-put and understandable despite complex concepts and stays grounded in real, lived experiences because of how it draws on the interviews. some of those interview excerpts haunt me. and also that all of them refused to revisit their own interview transcripts like wow... wow. much to chew on.
Definitely more on the identifying problem side versus solution but i think that's fine since it touches on some things that are so little-talked about and even with the bigger, more obvious things there's so much work needed. it put some things i didn't know how to explain into words and i'm really glad Phillips did it in such a careful way because like she said, there's a potential to frame behavior as asking for violence when explaining how things like consent/coercion can blur and interplay.
Some quotes from the book bc i feel like i'm explaining it badly:
In these women’s cases, entitlement or willingness to name their own victimization appears hampered not only by the conservative normal/danger dichotomy discourse and true victim discourse, but also by a popularized feminist discourse that has taught them that abuse is uncomplicated—that “no means no and yes means yes,” and that “rape isn’t about sex, it’s about violence.” Rather than empowering these young women to identify and feel outraged by their own victimization, such statements against male violence may have unwittingly contributed to their inability to claim their own abuse, because their lived experiences are seldom so straightforward.
Participants expended remarkable energy ensuring that they positioned themselves as active subjects, despite their often objectifying circumstances. Conversely, these women did not reflect back on the men involved as “perpetrators,” “sex offenders,” or “batterers” who had complete power over them. While they described violence or fears of violence during their encounters, in reconstructing their experiences they also found moments when they might have made different choices. And, unfortunately, in a context of zero-sum guilt, a moment of female agency is all that is required to focus responsibility on the woman and excuse the man (or men) from accountability.
///
"I like it when men whistle or “Hey baby” or “Can I have some of that” or whatever. It’s really gross, but I do respond when men respond to me like that. I may just smile, or if they’re ugly, I may roll my eyes and give them a look like, “Yeah, you wish!” But it makes me feel like I’m not some flat-chested, boring little kid. Like I’m a sexy, powerful woman who’s wanted." (Jeanne, 18, “heterosexual,” “Black, Indian, white”)
Through these types of interactions, young women experienced a taste of the excitement and sexual power promised by the together woman discourse, along with the satisfaction of being regarded by men as pleasing. However, they also reported that they often experienced those same male behaviors as simultaneously frightening, threatening, or demeaning. For instance, although Jeanne stated above that men’s comments made her feel sexy, adult, and powerful, she acknowledged that they could also make her feel vulnerable and, ironically, young.
///
I’ve sometimes pretended to be more drunk or stoned than I am, because it’s sort of like stepping into a role. It’s like, the person I am can’t really go up and start seducing a guy. But who I am inside would really like to. So I put on this role, like I’m kind of tipsy, and then it’s okay for me to be really forward. It’s like everybody knows people do things drunk that they aren’t totally responsible for. So that way I feel less judged, so I feel less inhibited, almost like I really am drunk, even though I’m really sober. I suppose it’s really just a way of being able to do what I want without being so self-conscious about the costs. (Paula, 20, “Spanish-America”; asked to describe her sexuality, she wrote, “?”)
This strategy poses a compelling challenge to the presumed consent/coercion dichotomy underlying legal, social science, popular, and often feminist thinking. While consent and coercion are typically posed as mutually exclusive, some young women find they can allow themselves to “consent” to sexual relations only by appearing to be “coerced.” Rather than experiencing consent and coercion as opposites, these young women merge the two to allow themselves pleasure without being weighed down by guilt and self-consciousness. This merging must not be misconstrued to suggest that young women wish to have men demand that they take part in unwanted sexual encounters. These women invoke the strategy of letting/making it just happen to facilitate interactions in which they very much wish to participate. In a culture that censors young women’s sexual expression and threatens forfeiture of “pleasing woman” status for initiating sexual encounters, these women make efforts to carve out spaces as sexual subjects while attempting to preserve their image as “good girls.”
Definitely more on the identifying problem side versus solution but i think that's fine since it touches on some things that are so little-talked about and even with the bigger, more obvious things there's so much work needed. it put some things i didn't know how to explain into words and i'm really glad Phillips did it in such a careful way because like she said, there's a potential to frame behavior as asking for violence when explaining how things like consent/coercion can blur and interplay.
Some quotes from the book bc i feel like i'm explaining it badly:
In these women’s cases, entitlement or willingness to name their own victimization appears hampered not only by the conservative normal/danger dichotomy discourse and true victim discourse, but also by a popularized feminist discourse that has taught them that abuse is uncomplicated—that “no means no and yes means yes,” and that “rape isn’t about sex, it’s about violence.” Rather than empowering these young women to identify and feel outraged by their own victimization, such statements against male violence may have unwittingly contributed to their inability to claim their own abuse, because their lived experiences are seldom so straightforward.
Participants expended remarkable energy ensuring that they positioned themselves as active subjects, despite their often objectifying circumstances. Conversely, these women did not reflect back on the men involved as “perpetrators,” “sex offenders,” or “batterers” who had complete power over them. While they described violence or fears of violence during their encounters, in reconstructing their experiences they also found moments when they might have made different choices. And, unfortunately, in a context of zero-sum guilt, a moment of female agency is all that is required to focus responsibility on the woman and excuse the man (or men) from accountability.
///
"I like it when men whistle or “Hey baby” or “Can I have some of that” or whatever. It’s really gross, but I do respond when men respond to me like that. I may just smile, or if they’re ugly, I may roll my eyes and give them a look like, “Yeah, you wish!” But it makes me feel like I’m not some flat-chested, boring little kid. Like I’m a sexy, powerful woman who’s wanted." (Jeanne, 18, “heterosexual,” “Black, Indian, white”)
Through these types of interactions, young women experienced a taste of the excitement and sexual power promised by the together woman discourse, along with the satisfaction of being regarded by men as pleasing. However, they also reported that they often experienced those same male behaviors as simultaneously frightening, threatening, or demeaning. For instance, although Jeanne stated above that men’s comments made her feel sexy, adult, and powerful, she acknowledged that they could also make her feel vulnerable and, ironically, young.
///
I’ve sometimes pretended to be more drunk or stoned than I am, because it’s sort of like stepping into a role. It’s like, the person I am can’t really go up and start seducing a guy. But who I am inside would really like to. So I put on this role, like I’m kind of tipsy, and then it’s okay for me to be really forward. It’s like everybody knows people do things drunk that they aren’t totally responsible for. So that way I feel less judged, so I feel less inhibited, almost like I really am drunk, even though I’m really sober. I suppose it’s really just a way of being able to do what I want without being so self-conscious about the costs. (Paula, 20, “Spanish-America”; asked to describe her sexuality, she wrote, “?”)
This strategy poses a compelling challenge to the presumed consent/coercion dichotomy underlying legal, social science, popular, and often feminist thinking. While consent and coercion are typically posed as mutually exclusive, some young women find they can allow themselves to “consent” to sexual relations only by appearing to be “coerced.” Rather than experiencing consent and coercion as opposites, these young women merge the two to allow themselves pleasure without being weighed down by guilt and self-consciousness. This merging must not be misconstrued to suggest that young women wish to have men demand that they take part in unwanted sexual encounters. These women invoke the strategy of letting/making it just happen to facilitate interactions in which they very much wish to participate. In a culture that censors young women’s sexual expression and threatens forfeiture of “pleasing woman” status for initiating sexual encounters, these women make efforts to carve out spaces as sexual subjects while attempting to preserve their image as “good girls.”
July 23, 2018
An exceedingly nuanced read, this book definitely gave me inspiration on how to conduct research in a sensitive manner. A wonderful book for anyone interested in the ways women process conflicting messages from society, why women do not report crimes committed against them and many other interesting details.
April 30, 2015
I read this for my Psychology of Women class, and I can't recommend it enough. I've always been interested in why women stay with abusers and avoid labeling their experiences as abuse, and Phillips delved into the answer to this question, but went well beyond that. A must-read... I've already recommended it to several of my female friends (men would really gain from reading this as well!).
February 3, 2025
This may be somewhat dated due to preceding #metoo but I doubt that much has changed in the fundamental difficulties facing young women in matters of sex. Phillips sketches the horns of the impossible dilemma facing women, where consent and coercion are not two ends of a spectrum but fundamentally intermixed in the social construction of sexuality. That paradox has become part of the internal mental furniture for modern women, such that merely counseling better behavior from men cannot hope to resolve the difficulty.
The words of the interviewees themselves are the best depiction of the problem, but Phillips does an adequate job sketching a conceptual framework for understanding them and offering editorializing summaries of the same. The most fascinating part of the text deals with how women navigate their own identities as victims of sexual violence. The overwhelming majority of Phillips' subjects experienced such encounters, but almost to a person they refused to define themselves as victims or define their experience as rape. The nebulous category of "a night that went badly" substitutes for what they plainly identify as rape for others. There's a rich vein to be explored here on how women reassert autonomy as tellers of their own tales, although Phillips doesn't get too far out into the conceptual weeds.
This is a valuable read for anyone with women in their life. It was sobering, saddening, and also at times celebratory of the challenges faced in navigating sexual politics. Phillips offers some (largely facile) answers on how to better things, but the real value is in sitting with the problem.
The words of the interviewees themselves are the best depiction of the problem, but Phillips does an adequate job sketching a conceptual framework for understanding them and offering editorializing summaries of the same. The most fascinating part of the text deals with how women navigate their own identities as victims of sexual violence. The overwhelming majority of Phillips' subjects experienced such encounters, but almost to a person they refused to define themselves as victims or define their experience as rape. The nebulous category of "a night that went badly" substitutes for what they plainly identify as rape for others. There's a rich vein to be explored here on how women reassert autonomy as tellers of their own tales, although Phillips doesn't get too far out into the conceptual weeds.
This is a valuable read for anyone with women in their life. It was sobering, saddening, and also at times celebratory of the challenges faced in navigating sexual politics. Phillips offers some (largely facile) answers on how to better things, but the real value is in sitting with the problem.
May 1, 2018
Everyone should read this book.
January 17, 2012
Sounds like it's going to be a bad thriller right? About a young investigative reporter who falls for the son of the mob boss or something? But if you read the subtitle, it's actually a feminist work on how young women interpret domination, particularly sexual domination (I can see the spam from this one coming a mile away).
Also, please do not misinterpret domination here - it's not referring to a specific sexual act or preference, it's a broad reference to how men interact with women in hetero relationships. Basically, the book uses interviews with young women from a liberal arts college with an emphasis on women's studies to examine the contradictions in the way women think about their relationships with men. For example, the idea that a rapist is a bad man, not someone you know and care about, and certainly not your boyfriend. Or expressing the idea that women shouldn't be seen as sexual objects in the classroom, but appreciating cat calls and whistles on the street.
The heart of the book focuses on how women will excuse a violent or sexual incident in their own lives, and refuse to label it as rape or abuse, when they would consider it rape or abuse if it happened to another woman. It's about the ways women justify violent male dominance to themselves.
Writing
A lot of it is sociological, feminist theory - and that's the audience it's intended for. The author doesn't go into definitions when using terms like "fundamental attribution error" or "bias theory" so the reader needs to have a basic understanding of sociological research and group dynamics. A basic background in feminist theory would help as well. That said, the work is very accessible if the reader has that understanding or is willing to do some of his or her own research while reading. Because so much of the book is made up of interviews, it is a personal and touching read. The first hand accounts are interspersed with the analysis, so neither aspect of the research is overwhelming. The author does a great job of citing sources and presenting both sides of the argument in most cases.
One small (ok huge) annoyance that I have many times with feminist writers is the bias against Republicans and/or the "religious right". I'm a Republican AND a part of the religious right AND a feminist. It's possible. I'm pro-life too. Mind boggling, right? I can understand it in a book on abortion, though, because being pro-life is such a huge part of the Republican/evangelical agenda. But this book doesn't deal with that issue at all. So I found it grating when the author would make the broad generalization that the "religious right" is opposed to legislation against domestic violence.
If a researcher wants to give names and back up their statement with evidence, that's one thing. But the blanket statement that evangelicals oppose domestic violence legislation is no more fair or accurate than saying Muslims hate America. It doesn't apply to the group as a whole and it's not something that you can back up with documented evidence, so leave it out of your academic research, please. That's an opinion, and it doesn't belong in a work of scholarly research.
MST3K
As I've mentioned few times, this is a book based on scholarly research and is intended for an academic audience. So it's not the same as reading a novel or even a work of popular non-fiction. There's a lot of information about statistics and research methods that isn't going to appeal to some readers. The stories the women share are fascinating and haunting, however. If you're already interested in feminist theory, I definitely recommend it. It explores some ideas that I hadn't considered and that I'm glad to learn more about. If you aren't interested in academic writing, and you don't know much about feminism, I probably wouldn't recommend that you start with this one.
One more small note: the book was published in 2000, so much of the research quoted by the author is dated to some degree. One way that I think this would particularly impact the book is in the section describing the dichotomy between the "good man" and the "rapist". The women interviewed were largely taught as children to beware of the scary old man waiting behind the bush to rape you (the bad guy), but were never warned about the dangers of "good men", such as fathers, uncles, schoolmates, or family friends. However, research shows that these "good men" are the most likely to commit an act of sexual abuse. I think that many schools and parents are now adopting less of a "stranger danger" mentality and putting the research that demonstrates the likelihood of acquaintance rape to use.
Also, please do not misinterpret domination here - it's not referring to a specific sexual act or preference, it's a broad reference to how men interact with women in hetero relationships. Basically, the book uses interviews with young women from a liberal arts college with an emphasis on women's studies to examine the contradictions in the way women think about their relationships with men. For example, the idea that a rapist is a bad man, not someone you know and care about, and certainly not your boyfriend. Or expressing the idea that women shouldn't be seen as sexual objects in the classroom, but appreciating cat calls and whistles on the street.
The heart of the book focuses on how women will excuse a violent or sexual incident in their own lives, and refuse to label it as rape or abuse, when they would consider it rape or abuse if it happened to another woman. It's about the ways women justify violent male dominance to themselves.
Writing
A lot of it is sociological, feminist theory - and that's the audience it's intended for. The author doesn't go into definitions when using terms like "fundamental attribution error" or "bias theory" so the reader needs to have a basic understanding of sociological research and group dynamics. A basic background in feminist theory would help as well. That said, the work is very accessible if the reader has that understanding or is willing to do some of his or her own research while reading. Because so much of the book is made up of interviews, it is a personal and touching read. The first hand accounts are interspersed with the analysis, so neither aspect of the research is overwhelming. The author does a great job of citing sources and presenting both sides of the argument in most cases.
One small (ok huge) annoyance that I have many times with feminist writers is the bias against Republicans and/or the "religious right". I'm a Republican AND a part of the religious right AND a feminist. It's possible. I'm pro-life too. Mind boggling, right? I can understand it in a book on abortion, though, because being pro-life is such a huge part of the Republican/evangelical agenda. But this book doesn't deal with that issue at all. So I found it grating when the author would make the broad generalization that the "religious right" is opposed to legislation against domestic violence.
If a researcher wants to give names and back up their statement with evidence, that's one thing. But the blanket statement that evangelicals oppose domestic violence legislation is no more fair or accurate than saying Muslims hate America. It doesn't apply to the group as a whole and it's not something that you can back up with documented evidence, so leave it out of your academic research, please. That's an opinion, and it doesn't belong in a work of scholarly research.
MST3K
As I've mentioned few times, this is a book based on scholarly research and is intended for an academic audience. So it's not the same as reading a novel or even a work of popular non-fiction. There's a lot of information about statistics and research methods that isn't going to appeal to some readers. The stories the women share are fascinating and haunting, however. If you're already interested in feminist theory, I definitely recommend it. It explores some ideas that I hadn't considered and that I'm glad to learn more about. If you aren't interested in academic writing, and you don't know much about feminism, I probably wouldn't recommend that you start with this one.
One more small note: the book was published in 2000, so much of the research quoted by the author is dated to some degree. One way that I think this would particularly impact the book is in the section describing the dichotomy between the "good man" and the "rapist". The women interviewed were largely taught as children to beware of the scary old man waiting behind the bush to rape you (the bad guy), but were never warned about the dangers of "good men", such as fathers, uncles, schoolmates, or family friends. However, research shows that these "good men" are the most likely to commit an act of sexual abuse. I think that many schools and parents are now adopting less of a "stranger danger" mentality and putting the research that demonstrates the likelihood of acquaintance rape to use.
March 11, 2009
a very important book, but i wish someone would have warned that it could be an intense trigger. explicitly speaking to young women's complex and ever-changing hetero-relations within a patriarchal society, phillips writes as an ally for young women which is refreshing. she reminds readers that we need to break down the either/or dichotomies that are so present in sexual relations: it was rape or it wasn't, he is a good guy or he is a bad guy, etc... these are not useful when actually trying to understand the complex nature of sexual relationships. in addition, phillips is advocating for further education on empowerment for women but ALSO education around issues of male dominance in hopes to eradicate it.
very important, great read, but potentially very triggering for survivors (or friends of survivors) of sexual assault.
very important, great read, but potentially very triggering for survivors (or friends of survivors) of sexual assault.
December 22, 2008
This book uses women's stories and voices to explore the ways in which girls and women internalize competing and often harmful messages about sex and how these messages often lead to complex emotions around and understandings of abuse and violence. It answers questions like, "Why doesn't she call it rape when it happens to her?" and "Do women like being whistled at or not?" and so on. It explores gray areas with engaging narrative and theory.
Want to read
April 9, 2011One of four books described as "(a) presented a clearly justified, articulated, and rigorously implemented qualitative methodology, including information about data collection and data analysis procedures; (b) incorporated girls’ stories and voices extensively in reporting the findings; and (c) had been published in peer-reviewed books and/or journals."
May 5, 2016
Extremely powerful research and book on hetero-relational experiences. It is not as easy as "no means no" and "yes means yes" and we need to acknowledge the underlying discourses that Phillips presents and the ways they affect the actions of both men and women.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews