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Drei sind ein Dorf
Mit knapp dreißig hat Nilou alles erreicht. Wer hätte je geglaubt, dass sie eine Eliteuniversität besuchen, einen weltgewandten Juristen heiraten und ihre eigene Wissenschaftskarriere beginnen würde? Als Kind ist sie mit ihrer Mutter aus dem Iran geflohen – in die tiefste amerikanische Provinz, wo man sie nicht eben offenherzig empfangen hat. Doch sie hat ehrgeizig nach den Idealen der westlichen Welt gestrebt und sich komplett neu erfunden. Alles könnte also gut sein, wäre da nicht Nilous Vater, ein opiumsüchtiger Verehrer altpersischer Lyrik, der ihr vom Iran aus die Kluft vor Augen führt, die die Familie voneinander trennt. Als Nilou in Amsterdam auf eine Gruppe iranischer Exilanten trifft, mit ihnen kocht und ihren Erzählungen lauscht, erwacht eine alte Sehnsucht in ihr: nach einer Heimat, in der sie ganz einfach sie selbst sein darf.
381 pages, Kindle Edition
First published July 11, 2017
154 people are currently reading
6661 people want to read
About the author
Dina Nayeri
20 books584 followersDina Nayeri is a graduate of Princeton, Harvard Business School, and the Iowa Writers Workshop. She spends her time in New York and Iowa City.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 274 reviews
July 21, 2017
Refugee novels are extremely popular right now. Not surprising with the amount of refugees on the move around the world and the debate in various countries about what to do with them, to welcome them or send them back. What sets this novel apart is that it is partly based on the authors own experiences as a refugee as she left Iran with her mother and brother due to persucution by the religious police. She would see her father only four times in the preceding years.
Her character Niloo would mimic her creators experiences, at least for her early years. As a displaced person her early years were filled with poverty and the sense of never really belongings anywhere. As an adult Niloo will need her own space, a small perimeter that she fills with the things that belong only to her, allowing none even her own husband, to breach this area. She struggles for a sense of self, a way to belong to something. She and her husband live in the Netherlands, a place where anti-inflammatory furor is rising, but here she will find an immigrant community if exiles. The visits to her dentist, but opium addicted father in various countries are often a disaster, she is often embarrassed by him and his Iranian ways, of talking and acting. Most of the humor in this novel comes from her father, and some of the insights and sayings are often beautifully rendered.
There is an honesty, realism to this well written book, that strikes a powerful chord. In the authors note she mentions an Iranian who, as in the book, sets himself on fire, after years of living in Holland for eleven years and soon to be deported. The author does a great job of showing the desperation of these refugees and what they go through trying to acclimate, fit into a society they little understand.
I loved Dina's first book and this second effort is just as worthy, if not more so.
ARC from publisher.
Her character Niloo would mimic her creators experiences, at least for her early years. As a displaced person her early years were filled with poverty and the sense of never really belongings anywhere. As an adult Niloo will need her own space, a small perimeter that she fills with the things that belong only to her, allowing none even her own husband, to breach this area. She struggles for a sense of self, a way to belong to something. She and her husband live in the Netherlands, a place where anti-inflammatory furor is rising, but here she will find an immigrant community if exiles. The visits to her dentist, but opium addicted father in various countries are often a disaster, she is often embarrassed by him and his Iranian ways, of talking and acting. Most of the humor in this novel comes from her father, and some of the insights and sayings are often beautifully rendered.
There is an honesty, realism to this well written book, that strikes a powerful chord. In the authors note she mentions an Iranian who, as in the book, sets himself on fire, after years of living in Holland for eleven years and soon to be deported. The author does a great job of showing the desperation of these refugees and what they go through trying to acclimate, fit into a society they little understand.
I loved Dina's first book and this second effort is just as worthy, if not more so.
ARC from publisher.
January 31, 2018
I enjoyed this tender drama about a splintered Iranian family and their tenuous relationships as the mother, daughter and son emigrate to America and then disperse again into Europe. The father, for various reasons, remains in Iran and remarries several times, occasionally traveling to Europe to visit his increasingly alienated children.
The story is mainly focused on the father, Bahman, and the daughter, Niloo, and their complicated bond. The first three quarters of the book really drew me in as the chapters alternated between Bahman's and Niloo's story arcs. I love literature about other cultures and the Middle East particularly fascinates me. The European refugee crisis plays a part in this story, giving it a very fresh and current feel. I was somewhat amused by Nayeri's characterization of the Dutch community where Niloo's story unfolds. I live in a very heavily Dutch locality in Michigan and I remember when I moved here from Chicago. The customs, conventions and disposition of the community was a real culture shock for me and Nayeri really nails it. So funny and amazing how pockets of cultural values and traits persist years and years after people emigrate and form new settlements in other countries...but I digress.
The last part of the book bogged down just a bit. Nayeri seemed to hash and re-hash the same points and get into long-winded and tedious explanations of the feelings and thoughts of Bahman and Niloo. I felt the book lost a little of its magic and I was somewhat chagrined at the ending. I recall I had the same issue with her last book being "too talk-y"("A Teaspoon of Earth and Sea"), but I did like this book much better.
Overall, an interesting story and memorable characters; just wished for a tighter wrap-up.
The story is mainly focused on the father, Bahman, and the daughter, Niloo, and their complicated bond. The first three quarters of the book really drew me in as the chapters alternated between Bahman's and Niloo's story arcs. I love literature about other cultures and the Middle East particularly fascinates me. The European refugee crisis plays a part in this story, giving it a very fresh and current feel. I was somewhat amused by Nayeri's characterization of the Dutch community where Niloo's story unfolds. I live in a very heavily Dutch locality in Michigan and I remember when I moved here from Chicago. The customs, conventions and disposition of the community was a real culture shock for me and Nayeri really nails it. So funny and amazing how pockets of cultural values and traits persist years and years after people emigrate and form new settlements in other countries...but I digress.
The last part of the book bogged down just a bit. Nayeri seemed to hash and re-hash the same points and get into long-winded and tedious explanations of the feelings and thoughts of Bahman and Niloo. I felt the book lost a little of its magic and I was somewhat chagrined at the ending. I recall I had the same issue with her last book being "too talk-y"("A Teaspoon of Earth and Sea"), but I did like this book much better.
Overall, an interesting story and memorable characters; just wished for a tighter wrap-up.
December 30, 2019
Refuge, about a family who emigrates from Iran without the father, reads at times like a memoir. The novel's focus is on the relationships - particularly between Niloo and her father. Nayeri portrays Niloo's "difficult" father with generosity and illuminates the difficulty of maintaining bonds severed by distance and personal history. I emerged with a deeper understanding of Iranian culture and the contradictions of the immigrant experience.
July 23, 2017
Thoroughly enjoyed! To see all my reviews visit Book Nation by Jen https://booknationbyjen.wordpress.com
In the late 1980s, Niloo, then 8 years old, left Iran with her mother and brother, thinking her dentist father would meet up with them soon after. As it turned out, this daddy’s girl only saw her father 4 times in a span of twenty years following their exodus. In Refuge, Author Dina Nayeri follows Niloo as a young married, Iranian woman on a journey to find herself and establish roots. Concurrently, through her father, Bahman’s experiences, we gain an understanding of their relationship and his attachment to home.
In her early 30s, Niloo is living in Amsterdam with her French husband. At the same time, in Iran, her father is at the courthouse filing for a divorce from his third wife. She has not seen him in many years and although she feels betrayed and disappointed by him, and has tried to erase him from her memory, Niloo thinks of her father often and recalls their few visits and the precious time they had together when she was a child. Niloo and her husband are working on their young marriage and establish a list of rules; one of them being to have more fun. Attending an Iranian poetry night fits the bill and she meets a traditional older Iranian man, along with a bunch of refugees who she befriends, allowing her to feel comfortably connected and bringing her thoughts back to home and her father.
Because Niloo moved away from her country at an early age and has trouble finding her place in society, she lived like a vagabond, always establishing a “perimeter”; an area in her dwelling where all her most important items are kept; a temporary home. Growing up as a poor refuge, ties she had to her culture were suppressed and although she had the desire to settle down, she seemed to have difficulty laying new roots…constantly being embarrassed by her mother’s stories and not feeling attached to Iran, Amsterdam or anywhere else. Niloo becomes involved in the world of refugees, spending time developing friendships that feel natural, and helping these people in need seems to feed her soul and give her some clarity and insight into who she is and how she can establish a life with solid footing.
Nayeri guides us through each family visit, Brahman’s decisions to finally leave his beloved Iran, the ups and downs of Niloo’s marriage, and her continual search for purpose, identity and home. Refuge highlights this special father-daughter relationship with the backdrop of immigration and the feelings of loss, pressures, uncertainty and bravery of all who are forced to leave their homes and plant roots to begin again.
As someone who lives in the same place I was raised, with at least 3 generations of family nearby for over 100 years, I never struggle with who I am, where I come from or where I belong. I deeply admire those who have left their country and persevered to make a life for themselves somewhere else: they deserve immense respect and support. Niloo’s and Bahman’s stories in Refuge remind me of those struggles, from finances to getting an education to being part of a community and ultimately creating a place to call home. I highly recommend this wonderful novel.
In the late 1980s, Niloo, then 8 years old, left Iran with her mother and brother, thinking her dentist father would meet up with them soon after. As it turned out, this daddy’s girl only saw her father 4 times in a span of twenty years following their exodus. In Refuge, Author Dina Nayeri follows Niloo as a young married, Iranian woman on a journey to find herself and establish roots. Concurrently, through her father, Bahman’s experiences, we gain an understanding of their relationship and his attachment to home.
In her early 30s, Niloo is living in Amsterdam with her French husband. At the same time, in Iran, her father is at the courthouse filing for a divorce from his third wife. She has not seen him in many years and although she feels betrayed and disappointed by him, and has tried to erase him from her memory, Niloo thinks of her father often and recalls their few visits and the precious time they had together when she was a child. Niloo and her husband are working on their young marriage and establish a list of rules; one of them being to have more fun. Attending an Iranian poetry night fits the bill and she meets a traditional older Iranian man, along with a bunch of refugees who she befriends, allowing her to feel comfortably connected and bringing her thoughts back to home and her father.
Because Niloo moved away from her country at an early age and has trouble finding her place in society, she lived like a vagabond, always establishing a “perimeter”; an area in her dwelling where all her most important items are kept; a temporary home. Growing up as a poor refuge, ties she had to her culture were suppressed and although she had the desire to settle down, she seemed to have difficulty laying new roots…constantly being embarrassed by her mother’s stories and not feeling attached to Iran, Amsterdam or anywhere else. Niloo becomes involved in the world of refugees, spending time developing friendships that feel natural, and helping these people in need seems to feed her soul and give her some clarity and insight into who she is and how she can establish a life with solid footing.
Nayeri guides us through each family visit, Brahman’s decisions to finally leave his beloved Iran, the ups and downs of Niloo’s marriage, and her continual search for purpose, identity and home. Refuge highlights this special father-daughter relationship with the backdrop of immigration and the feelings of loss, pressures, uncertainty and bravery of all who are forced to leave their homes and plant roots to begin again.
As someone who lives in the same place I was raised, with at least 3 generations of family nearby for over 100 years, I never struggle with who I am, where I come from or where I belong. I deeply admire those who have left their country and persevered to make a life for themselves somewhere else: they deserve immense respect and support. Niloo’s and Bahman’s stories in Refuge remind me of those struggles, from finances to getting an education to being part of a community and ultimately creating a place to call home. I highly recommend this wonderful novel.
January 17, 2018
I had not heard of Nayeri’s
Refuge
until it made the Tournament of Books Longlist. Many within the Tournament of Books group were giving it rave reviews. Even though
Refuge
deals with the socially relevant topic of refugees, it is not a typical “refugee book”.
Refuge
tells the story of Niloo, a young Iranian refugee who fled to the United States when her mother’s choice of religion (Christianity) puts the family at risk. Covering a twenty year time span
Refuge
chronicles the complicated yet familiar relationship between a daughter and her father.
The two could be no more different:
Father - “constantly begging for interruption, always a foot tapping, mustache twitching, a furtive hand in the pocket digging for pistachios.”
Daughter - “envies her mother’s religious fervor, the freedom to relinquish control.” “The thing she has is stamina; and if she calmed down, as everyone advises her to do, she would be nothing.”
The father, Bahman is separated from his family as he decides to stay in Iran where he is a man of influence held hostage to addiction. Over the years Niloo goes from being a scared young girl uncertain of her fate to an educated expat who remains wary and holds onto whatever small “perimeter” she can control. As the family comes together in four visits, she remains skeptical of her father’s motives and embarrassed by his over-the-top behavior and his Iranian ways. It isn’t until she stumbles upon Zakhmeh, a refugee squat where immigrants recite poetry and trade stories, that she realizes there is a part of her that yearns to be reminded of home.
Refuge is a beautiful father-daughter story and a testament to the transformative power of memory.
The two could be no more different:
Father - “constantly begging for interruption, always a foot tapping, mustache twitching, a furtive hand in the pocket digging for pistachios.”
Daughter - “envies her mother’s religious fervor, the freedom to relinquish control.” “The thing she has is stamina; and if she calmed down, as everyone advises her to do, she would be nothing.”
The father, Bahman is separated from his family as he decides to stay in Iran where he is a man of influence held hostage to addiction. Over the years Niloo goes from being a scared young girl uncertain of her fate to an educated expat who remains wary and holds onto whatever small “perimeter” she can control. As the family comes together in four visits, she remains skeptical of her father’s motives and embarrassed by his over-the-top behavior and his Iranian ways. It isn’t until she stumbles upon Zakhmeh, a refugee squat where immigrants recite poetry and trade stories, that she realizes there is a part of her that yearns to be reminded of home.
Refuge is a beautiful father-daughter story and a testament to the transformative power of memory.
“I saw how much these trips had drained me. Did they bring me any closer to Baba? Did they restore my roots or the childhood I had missed? All they did was tarnish my memories. The Baba I had known was trapped in the past, forever thirty-three, as I would be forever eight years old to him. Having never grown together, all we could do was rehash, returning to old ground, changing each other back to a faded snapshot after every goodbye.” – Niloo
“How sad it is when someone has left your orbit, whose memory has receded, holds such intimate knowledge. Meeting them again feels like renewed loss, and it’s full of tremors and watery eyes and involuntary responses much like a bout of opium withdrawal, not only because every familiar detail – their blue eyes or their yellowing laugh or a charming turn of their hand – is like a coil of skin peeled from the heart, but because they took away that knowledge of you with them, that snapshot of you, out into the world. And as they changed, everything that they knew changed too. And so you are unwittingly altered.” – Bahman
January 4, 2018
i want to start this review by saying that dina nayeri doesn't have her own wikipedia entry. i am to remedy this as soon as possible.
i would like to continue by saying that this is the most moving book i've read this year (i mean last year, 2017) and it's okay that it flew under many radar screens so we can keep her to ourselves a little bit longer.
from what i could find online, nayeri is about 15 years younger than i, but her understanding of people, relations, human pain, belonging, families and selfhood are those of an old, old soul.
this book gave me back to myself. it taught me forgiveness and patience. it taught me to ease into painful situations and make home in them. it taught me that there are things we cannot fix but even so we can keep trying. it also taught me that if we cannot fix something and we get tired of trying (very possible and acceptable), we can at least make things easier for all involved. a cushion behind one's back, a pot of tea, some decent food. warmth.
i love you dina nayeri. thank you on behalf of all refugees in all corners of the world.
P.S. i listened to the audio version, beautifully read by mozhan marno and youssif kamal. pure auditory delight.
i would like to continue by saying that this is the most moving book i've read this year (i mean last year, 2017) and it's okay that it flew under many radar screens so we can keep her to ourselves a little bit longer.
from what i could find online, nayeri is about 15 years younger than i, but her understanding of people, relations, human pain, belonging, families and selfhood are those of an old, old soul.
this book gave me back to myself. it taught me forgiveness and patience. it taught me to ease into painful situations and make home in them. it taught me that there are things we cannot fix but even so we can keep trying. it also taught me that if we cannot fix something and we get tired of trying (very possible and acceptable), we can at least make things easier for all involved. a cushion behind one's back, a pot of tea, some decent food. warmth.
i love you dina nayeri. thank you on behalf of all refugees in all corners of the world.
P.S. i listened to the audio version, beautifully read by mozhan marno and youssif kamal. pure auditory delight.
May 20, 2019
Beautifully written story of a family separated by life, miles, choices, and shame. It is also at it’s heart, the story of longing for home. What is home? How do you make a home for yourself? Who do you choose to be your family after you are distanced from your family of birth? What is it like to live with that forever refugee feeling and to try and convince yourself that you have, over the years, learned to adapt? Or have you? This book highlights the reality of, no matter how embarrassed we are by our parents, they are often the ones who best know our hearts. Ultimately, the heroine, faces all these questions and more. An outstanding exploration into how we learn to find what we’ve always known we lacked. Ms. Nayeri maintains your interest and concludes her story with an ending to be savored.
January 4, 2018
lovely you-can't-take-the-refugee-out-of-the-girl story about SO many things. Lovely narration by Mozhan Marno (Youssif Kamal was just alright). I'll be thinking about this one for a while and might add a star.
quotes & fuller thoughts to come. It was interesting to listen to this so close after listening to Exit West
quotes & fuller thoughts to come. It was interesting to listen to this so close after listening to Exit West
September 2, 2018
'Refuge' is primarily a novel which deals with disconsolation, with Niloo's stories acting as a parable for the sense of loss which all refugees experience; the lost not only of their culture and everything which previously defined them but also of relationships, which in this case is the relationship between Niloo and her drug addict father after she flees Iran with her mother and brother. The loss of her father-and the subsequent unfulfilled promises of them reuniting, cause a sense of mistrust build within as the void caused by the loss of her father is replaced with a sense of weariness as she struggles to let others in, her outward sense of independence disguises a deep-seated insecurity at being hurt. However the sense of loss goes both ways; her charismatic and fiercely independent father feels increasingly isolated and alienated from his children, as the years and distance slowly take their toll on their relationship until they become virtual strangers, his charisma is transformed into a sense of coarseness in his children's eyes, his drug addiction an unbearable weight on their relationship, as his children slowly lose the sense of reverence which he may have held for them in their eyes;
"How sad it was when someone has left your orbit, whose memory has receded, holding such intimate knowledge. Meeting them again feels like renewed loss, and it's full of tremors and watery eyes and involuntary responses like much like a bout of opium withdrawal, not only because every familiar detail -their blue eyes of their yellow laugh or a charming turn of their hand-is like the coil of a a skin from a peeling heart..."
Indeed the journey Niloo goes through is a like a gradual peeling of her emotions; her connection to her home-town in Iran and all the memories it brings, her relationship with her father, the gradual unravelling if her marriage beneath the weight of her own self-destructiveness, another trait she inherited from him, until the truth of their relationship is laid bare; that she has spent her whole life running from any joy or excess in fear of turning into the father who she so closely resembles, whose sense of exuberance ruptured any meaningful relationship he was able to have.
The true strength of 'Refuge', however, is the emotional depth of the characters; Nayeri is able to bring about their imperfections, all of the foibles and traits-both good and bad. This gives the story immense emotional resonance and a sense of strength, as the reader is brought along a journey of a young girl who is seeking a sense of belonging in a world which has ruptured her from everything which she held dear.
"How sad it was when someone has left your orbit, whose memory has receded, holding such intimate knowledge. Meeting them again feels like renewed loss, and it's full of tremors and watery eyes and involuntary responses like much like a bout of opium withdrawal, not only because every familiar detail -their blue eyes of their yellow laugh or a charming turn of their hand-is like the coil of a a skin from a peeling heart..."
Indeed the journey Niloo goes through is a like a gradual peeling of her emotions; her connection to her home-town in Iran and all the memories it brings, her relationship with her father, the gradual unravelling if her marriage beneath the weight of her own self-destructiveness, another trait she inherited from him, until the truth of their relationship is laid bare; that she has spent her whole life running from any joy or excess in fear of turning into the father who she so closely resembles, whose sense of exuberance ruptured any meaningful relationship he was able to have.
The true strength of 'Refuge', however, is the emotional depth of the characters; Nayeri is able to bring about their imperfections, all of the foibles and traits-both good and bad. This gives the story immense emotional resonance and a sense of strength, as the reader is brought along a journey of a young girl who is seeking a sense of belonging in a world which has ruptured her from everything which she held dear.
April 5, 2018
4 stars
I nearly gave up on this book, but kept reading to find a very realistic (to me) story of a family as seen through the eyes of the daughter and the father. Probably a bit too detailed and this could have made for a nice little novella but the details bring the culture and cross cultures to life.
I nearly gave up on this book, but kept reading to find a very realistic (to me) story of a family as seen through the eyes of the daughter and the father. Probably a bit too detailed and this could have made for a nice little novella but the details bring the culture and cross cultures to life.
December 31, 2017
This was 4.5 read for me.
Thoughts coming shortly.
Thoughts coming shortly.
January 16, 2018
This is a story of immigration told in the fractured relationship between a woman and the father who remained behind in Iran. Niloo was eight when she was bundled into a car and left Istafan, Iran forever. Her mother, a Christian, was in danger and her father remained behind, his successful dental practice and opium addiction keeping him there. Over then years, there were a few brief, unsatisfactory reunions.
Niloo is a success story. Her mother works long hours in menial jobs to support them and Niloo attends Yale, where she meets her French husband. They settle in Amsterdam, but as Geert Wilders gains popularity as the head of a xenophobic and right wing political party, Niloo's insecurities become less manageable and she becomes involved with a group of Iranian refugees trying to survive as they fight for legal status in a country becoming increasingly unwelcoming.
Nayeri does a wonderful job showing how the uncertainties of refugee life reverberate in a person's life years after they've settled in a new country. Niloo needs rigid rules to survive and carries a backpack around with the documents she finds necessary to proving that she belongs where she is. Nayeri is also effective in describing the relationship between father and daughter, with all the layers of disappointment and love.
This is a debut novel and this is very much evident in the novel, as well as the autobiographical nature of much of the contents. Nayeri has important things to communicate about what being a refugee means and for this, the novel is worth reading.
Niloo is a success story. Her mother works long hours in menial jobs to support them and Niloo attends Yale, where she meets her French husband. They settle in Amsterdam, but as Geert Wilders gains popularity as the head of a xenophobic and right wing political party, Niloo's insecurities become less manageable and she becomes involved with a group of Iranian refugees trying to survive as they fight for legal status in a country becoming increasingly unwelcoming.
Nayeri does a wonderful job showing how the uncertainties of refugee life reverberate in a person's life years after they've settled in a new country. Niloo needs rigid rules to survive and carries a backpack around with the documents she finds necessary to proving that she belongs where she is. Nayeri is also effective in describing the relationship between father and daughter, with all the layers of disappointment and love.
This is a debut novel and this is very much evident in the novel, as well as the autobiographical nature of much of the contents. Nayeri has important things to communicate about what being a refugee means and for this, the novel is worth reading.
December 15, 2017
I've read hundreds of novels in my life. This is the first time I've read my life in a novel. I've identified with characters before, but this book about an Iranian refugee who becomes a professor in America was a trip to read. It's not perfect--the marriage is not super believable, but I would love to read more like this one.
February 28, 2018
I don't know why I haven't heard of Dina Nayeri before. Now that I did, I want to read more books by her, definitely. Let me begin this by saying that I loved all characters. They are flawed and so human. At many points throughout the book, I found myself confused, not knowing who to side with because each person has done bad and good. I don't know if I'm biased because I love family dramas but I can say that this one particularly touched me.
January 4, 2018
This book touches on so many aspects of the immigrant experience without being “about” the immigrant experience. Instead, it’s a touching novel of love, marriage, family, home, forgiveness, and human imperfections. Thanks to the Tournament of Books Long List for bringing it to my attention
April 26, 2020
Refuge forced me to look at things from a very narrow field of view, like looking at Van Gogh's sunflowers through a small magnifying glass, inch by inch. I get why some readers enjoyed it because the writing is lovely but the pacing left me feeling enervated and depressed.
November 19, 2018
Ostensibly this book is about the places where we seek refuge, whether one is literally fleeing for one’s life due to one’s political or religious beliefs or whether one is simply seeking comfort from the slings and arrows of our personal present and past. I get the message but the novel failed for me ultimately as fiction. I never believed it.
The book switches between the perspectives of Niloo, a young Iranian-American who emigrated to the U.S. with her mother and brother in the 1980s and Niloo’s father who remained in Iran. From the ages of 8 to 28 Niloo only sees her father four times.
Possibly because it is from an adult perspective which is more in keeping with my own experience living in a culture outside of my own rather than that of a child, I much prefer Americanah as a book about how one can’t go home again. That book, despite the fact that Adiche and I are miles apart in our backgrounds and experiences rang true to me in a way that Refuge simply did not.
Read for TOB 2018
The book switches between the perspectives of Niloo, a young Iranian-American who emigrated to the U.S. with her mother and brother in the 1980s and Niloo’s father who remained in Iran. From the ages of 8 to 28 Niloo only sees her father four times.
Possibly because it is from an adult perspective which is more in keeping with my own experience living in a culture outside of my own rather than that of a child, I much prefer Americanah as a book about how one can’t go home again. That book, despite the fact that Adiche and I are miles apart in our backgrounds and experiences rang true to me in a way that Refuge simply did not.
Read for TOB 2018
November 29, 2018
A marvellous book, beautifully written, with two very strong, interconnected storylines. My wife and I have spent more time debating the plausibility of the ending than any other book in recent memory.
The story, which reads more like a memoir than a novel, follows two characters over sixteen years: a romantic opium addict from the east and a highly strung striver from the west. Father and daughter. But their lives are almost completely independent, running in parallel in very different parts of the world. Their only points of contact are four family visits cleverly interspersed over the years in Oklahoma City, London, Madrid and Amsterdam.
Nayeri has a talent for developing characters: the old man, Bahman, and the young woman, Niloo, are equally well drawn and believable. But so are Niloo’s husband Gui, her brother Kian, and the various Iranian immigrants in Amsterdam. Only Niloo’s mother, Bahman’s first wife, is underwritten. The interaction between adult family members on vacation is particularly well observed.
But the real strength of the book for me was the deterioration of the father-daughter relationship over distance and time. How the bond between family members can be stretched if not nurtured through shared experience. Without time together, without familiarity, family members eventually become acquaintances from a former life. Periodic visits only accentuate the gap: aged parents from the old world with their common manners, unsophisticated tastes, and unrefined accents are a source of embarrassment; while their well-educated, modern children jar old fashioned values with their pretentious and shallow ways. This doesn’t just relate to families emigrating from Iran - this could be a universal truth.
The ending, to me, was the only disappointment. Niloo rekindles an interest in her heritage, falling in with a community of Iranian immigrants in Amsterdam, and ends up throwing away her marriage to a Frenchman who adores her. Why she has to reject her current life to access her past makes no sense to me. Most people today are from neither here nor there as the saying goes. While this can be discombobulating, it seems naive or even self indulgent to think one can discover one’s “true” identity by consciously turning away from large parts of one’s history. Nevertheless, this was a thought provoking pleasure to read.
The story, which reads more like a memoir than a novel, follows two characters over sixteen years: a romantic opium addict from the east and a highly strung striver from the west. Father and daughter. But their lives are almost completely independent, running in parallel in very different parts of the world. Their only points of contact are four family visits cleverly interspersed over the years in Oklahoma City, London, Madrid and Amsterdam.
Nayeri has a talent for developing characters: the old man, Bahman, and the young woman, Niloo, are equally well drawn and believable. But so are Niloo’s husband Gui, her brother Kian, and the various Iranian immigrants in Amsterdam. Only Niloo’s mother, Bahman’s first wife, is underwritten. The interaction between adult family members on vacation is particularly well observed.
But the real strength of the book for me was the deterioration of the father-daughter relationship over distance and time. How the bond between family members can be stretched if not nurtured through shared experience. Without time together, without familiarity, family members eventually become acquaintances from a former life. Periodic visits only accentuate the gap: aged parents from the old world with their common manners, unsophisticated tastes, and unrefined accents are a source of embarrassment; while their well-educated, modern children jar old fashioned values with their pretentious and shallow ways. This doesn’t just relate to families emigrating from Iran - this could be a universal truth.
The ending, to me, was the only disappointment. Niloo rekindles an interest in her heritage, falling in with a community of Iranian immigrants in Amsterdam, and ends up throwing away her marriage to a Frenchman who adores her. Why she has to reject her current life to access her past makes no sense to me. Most people today are from neither here nor there as the saying goes. While this can be discombobulating, it seems naive or even self indulgent to think one can discover one’s “true” identity by consciously turning away from large parts of one’s history. Nevertheless, this was a thought provoking pleasure to read.
October 1, 2017
Loved this book, story of a refugee girl who has seen her father only four years during a twenty , something period since she has fled Iran with her mother and her brother.
She's left her father in Iran and his father has been remained 33 for her,always that cheerful young guy who has promised her he'd join them someday soon, but he never did.
She carried all her insecurities for years, she is now a very successful modern woman , married to a good man but still she is that scared 8 years old refugee girl.
Story is told in three narrative, a third person, Bahman's view (the father) current time, and Niloo (the daughetr) talking about those four visits. Niloo's narrative was my favorite, when speaks her mind, her doubts and her worries. There are so many details which I could relate, however I've never been a refugee.
She's left her father in Iran and his father has been remained 33 for her,always that cheerful young guy who has promised her he'd join them someday soon, but he never did.
She carried all her insecurities for years, she is now a very successful modern woman , married to a good man but still she is that scared 8 years old refugee girl.
Story is told in three narrative, a third person, Bahman's view (the father) current time, and Niloo (the daughetr) talking about those four visits. Niloo's narrative was my favorite, when speaks her mind, her doubts and her worries. There are so many details which I could relate, however I've never been a refugee.
November 3, 2025
I ended up enjoying this book but there was something missing for me that I can’t quite place yet.
January 30, 2018
Hard to summarize my thoughts about this book. In an afterword, the author describes its autobiographical roots, so there’s that to consider, and thus my 4 stars.
I loved the description of the main character’s father and the vivid writing about all things Iranian. Among the many novels I’ve read lately about the experiences of immigrants, this one did the best job of describing the constant emotional toll of always being from somewhere else.
Of course there’s my however. The structure of the book, chapters based on sporadic reunions with the father who stayed behind in Iran, just didn’t work as a track for the plot, for any plot, actually. I felt bogged down in specifics at times, and parts that should have been moving fell flat for me.
There is beautiful writing, some instructive background on the politics of immigration in the EU....then an almost jarring change in tone and style toward the end, which felt rushed and unfinished.
I chose this book because I wanted to read about the experience of Iranian immigrants after a chance meeting with an 83 year old woman at Home Depot (a novel herself). So this book fulfilled its purpose, educated me in some basic factual background, but....in terms of story, was ultimately disappointing.
I loved the description of the main character’s father and the vivid writing about all things Iranian. Among the many novels I’ve read lately about the experiences of immigrants, this one did the best job of describing the constant emotional toll of always being from somewhere else.
Of course there’s my however. The structure of the book, chapters based on sporadic reunions with the father who stayed behind in Iran, just didn’t work as a track for the plot, for any plot, actually. I felt bogged down in specifics at times, and parts that should have been moving fell flat for me.
There is beautiful writing, some instructive background on the politics of immigration in the EU....then an almost jarring change in tone and style toward the end, which felt rushed and unfinished.
I chose this book because I wanted to read about the experience of Iranian immigrants after a chance meeting with an 83 year old woman at Home Depot (a novel herself). So this book fulfilled its purpose, educated me in some basic factual background, but....in terms of story, was ultimately disappointing.
November 20, 2021
This book was beautifully written, so rich in vocabulary and content. I loved following this tale of Bahman, an Iranian father, who has lost his family at only 33, for the hopes of them having a better life outside of Iran. Niloo, his daughter who left very young to fulfill this dream of a better life in America, broke my heart. No matter where you go, is home really a place or a person? Will Niloo forever be the 8 year old who left her father behind or will she be able to grow out of this child? This story answers these questions and many more.
I love stories about the Middle East, refugees and the true meaning of home. I loved learning more about Iran and what it means to be part of this culture. I loved seeing how the feeling of being a refugee sometimes does not leave its victims, but stays with them all of their lives. And I loved learning more about what it takes to really find oneself, after a journey where you lose all that you ever know.
"They were three and three was enough. They were a village." This last sentence of the book is everything. This simple phrase holds so much meaning. I loved that this book was packed with quotes by Rumi and Hafez, stitching so many hidden meanings within the chapters.
I really loved this book and I enjoyed reading every single chapter.
I love stories about the Middle East, refugees and the true meaning of home. I loved learning more about Iran and what it means to be part of this culture. I loved seeing how the feeling of being a refugee sometimes does not leave its victims, but stays with them all of their lives. And I loved learning more about what it takes to really find oneself, after a journey where you lose all that you ever know.
"They were three and three was enough. They were a village." This last sentence of the book is everything. This simple phrase holds so much meaning. I loved that this book was packed with quotes by Rumi and Hafez, stitching so many hidden meanings within the chapters.
I really loved this book and I enjoyed reading every single chapter.
August 18, 2017
Refuge van Dina Nayeri vertelt het verhaal van de in 1987 gevluchte Iraanse Niloo Hamidi, en van haar vader Bahman Hamidi die achterbleef in Isfahan, of meer nauwkeurig: in het dorp Ardestoon waar Niloo tot haar achtste opgroeide.
Het is een sterk autobiografisch boek, je kunt Niloo bijna één op één uitwisselen met Dina, als je de interviews zo hier en daar leest. Dina is heel uitgesproken in haar meningen over wat het betekent om een vluchteling te zijn. Waar ze vooral van baalt, is dat vluchtelingen altijd maar 'dankbaar' moeten zijn. Dankbaar dat ze gered zijn, dankbaar dat ze in een welvarend land mogen opgroeien en studeren. Vluchtelingen moeten assimileren, en niet hun land van herkomst liever hebben dan hun nieuwe land. Als zogenaamd goede mensen beweren dat vluchtelingen zoveel bijdragen aan hun nieuwe land, benadrukken ze in feite nog steeds dat de ex-vluchteling – nu officieel Amerikaan of Europeaan – nooit net zo vanzelfsprekend goed zal zijn als de autochtonen. Hij moet er iets voor presteren.
Niloo is inmiddels 30, en woont met haar Franse echtgenoot in Amsterdam, waar ze in contact komt met een groep Iraanse illegalen. Een belangrijk deel van het boek speelt in Amsterdam, en Nederland komt er buitengewoon slecht vanaf. Het regent er altijd, de autoriteiten zijn verschrikkelijk dom en onverschillig, het kan ze niets schelen dat een vluchteling zelfmoord pleegt door zichzelf in brand te steken. Binnenkort is Wilders aan de macht (het verhaal speelt in 2009) want zijn boodschap spreekt de slecht opgeleide landelijke boeren aan. En Nederlanders geven maar één koekje bij de koffie.
Ik vond het best moeilijk om dit allemaal te lezen.
Wat het denk ik vooral zo moeilijk maakt, is dat Niloo spreekt vanuit een verwende positie. Ze is geen vluchteling meer, ze is een expat met een groot appartement in de Pijp. Ze heeft een goede baan aan de universiteit, en een echtgenoot die advocaat is. Waar haar man de vluchtelingen rechtshulp aanbiedt, zit zij er alleen maar te zwelgen in heimwee en zelfmedelijden.
Haar moeder is wat dat aangaat een stuk pragmatischer, die gaat met Perzische koekjes naar de buren om hun stofzuiger te lenen. Haar vader slaagt erin zijn opiumverslaving te overwinnen en tot de slotsom te komen dat je dorp en je huis en je tandartspraktijk en je fotoalbums niet zijn wat je 'thuis' behelst.
Maar Niloo – en in feite Dina – geeft een in mijn ogen onverdiend oordeel over een land dat – als ik in mijn kringen rondkijk – zijn best doet om mensen te helpen. Hoe gebrekkig af en toe ook. Als ze het verhaal van de man die zelfmoord pleegde had verteld, was de kritiek – in het verhaal - terecht geweest. Maar deze hoofdpersoon is net zo kortzichtig als ze de Nederlanders verwijt te zijn.
Wat een verschil met bijvoorbeeld Americanah.
Het is een sterk autobiografisch boek, je kunt Niloo bijna één op één uitwisselen met Dina, als je de interviews zo hier en daar leest. Dina is heel uitgesproken in haar meningen over wat het betekent om een vluchteling te zijn. Waar ze vooral van baalt, is dat vluchtelingen altijd maar 'dankbaar' moeten zijn. Dankbaar dat ze gered zijn, dankbaar dat ze in een welvarend land mogen opgroeien en studeren. Vluchtelingen moeten assimileren, en niet hun land van herkomst liever hebben dan hun nieuwe land. Als zogenaamd goede mensen beweren dat vluchtelingen zoveel bijdragen aan hun nieuwe land, benadrukken ze in feite nog steeds dat de ex-vluchteling – nu officieel Amerikaan of Europeaan – nooit net zo vanzelfsprekend goed zal zijn als de autochtonen. Hij moet er iets voor presteren.
Niloo is inmiddels 30, en woont met haar Franse echtgenoot in Amsterdam, waar ze in contact komt met een groep Iraanse illegalen. Een belangrijk deel van het boek speelt in Amsterdam, en Nederland komt er buitengewoon slecht vanaf. Het regent er altijd, de autoriteiten zijn verschrikkelijk dom en onverschillig, het kan ze niets schelen dat een vluchteling zelfmoord pleegt door zichzelf in brand te steken. Binnenkort is Wilders aan de macht (het verhaal speelt in 2009) want zijn boodschap spreekt de slecht opgeleide landelijke boeren aan. En Nederlanders geven maar één koekje bij de koffie.
Ik vond het best moeilijk om dit allemaal te lezen.
Wat het denk ik vooral zo moeilijk maakt, is dat Niloo spreekt vanuit een verwende positie. Ze is geen vluchteling meer, ze is een expat met een groot appartement in de Pijp. Ze heeft een goede baan aan de universiteit, en een echtgenoot die advocaat is. Waar haar man de vluchtelingen rechtshulp aanbiedt, zit zij er alleen maar te zwelgen in heimwee en zelfmedelijden.
Haar moeder is wat dat aangaat een stuk pragmatischer, die gaat met Perzische koekjes naar de buren om hun stofzuiger te lenen. Haar vader slaagt erin zijn opiumverslaving te overwinnen en tot de slotsom te komen dat je dorp en je huis en je tandartspraktijk en je fotoalbums niet zijn wat je 'thuis' behelst.
Maar Niloo – en in feite Dina – geeft een in mijn ogen onverdiend oordeel over een land dat – als ik in mijn kringen rondkijk – zijn best doet om mensen te helpen. Hoe gebrekkig af en toe ook. Als ze het verhaal van de man die zelfmoord pleegde had verteld, was de kritiek – in het verhaal - terecht geweest. Maar deze hoofdpersoon is net zo kortzichtig als ze de Nederlanders verwijt te zijn.
Wat een verschil met bijvoorbeeld Americanah.
March 17, 2018
I really enjoyed Dina Nayeri’s portrait of the ambivalent loss that is caused and endured by immigration.
I loved the English translations of Farsi sayings, such as the question “How is the atmosphere of your heart?”
I also resonated with many of the sentiments shared by the author about displacement and what we do to find our core. “When you’ve lost something, you return to the place you last saw it and you search, turning that room upside down. Where else would Niloo search for her lost Joy, her wild, childhood heart, when she last saw it in a refugee shelter?” I have returned to that place many times and have found buried treasures every time.
I loved the English translations of Farsi sayings, such as the question “How is the atmosphere of your heart?”
I also resonated with many of the sentiments shared by the author about displacement and what we do to find our core. “When you’ve lost something, you return to the place you last saw it and you search, turning that room upside down. Where else would Niloo search for her lost Joy, her wild, childhood heart, when she last saw it in a refugee shelter?” I have returned to that place many times and have found buried treasures every time.
August 4, 2017
I struggled to finish this book. It never pulled me into the story. I found the characters to be unlikable (with the exception of Gui) and felt their decisions were confusing. Most of the characters behaved badly even towards family members. The book was well-written and at times funny and touching. The ending was thought-provoking but by then it wasn't enough for me. The author does a good job of describing Iranian dishes to the extend that the reader can almost taste them. I really wanted to like this book but I was disappointed.
February 12, 2023
Touching, beautiful, insightful. The kind of book I don't read often but when I do (and it's done as well as this) I often kind of love. In rough terms this is a family saga but mostly we follow a father, Bahman, and his adult daughter, Niloo. She left Iran with her mother and her brother when she was 8 but her father stayed behind and in the following 15 years they only meet 4 times. We follow both characters in current days while gradually filling in the past incl. those 4 meetings.
An intimate portrayal of these characters but also of Iran and of the refugee situation. The feeling of being rootless and missing family connections is a central element. Nayeri is such a beautiful writer, filling this story with nuances and her characters with true complexities. I was getting a bit worried when Niloo goes down the self finding route where the life she built over the last 15 years seems like a charade to her and she reconnects with the refugee community, and is thinking about leaving her Western husband because she believes she can only connect with people who share her roots. I get that that can be a thing in a certain situation but generally speaking I don't agree with that mindset and find it even harmful. Good thing is Nayeri has more to say about that towards the ending of the novel, she makes a point of stating that roots are important but when it comes to interpersonal connections that is far from the only truth, and I appreciated that. Again, Nayeri is just so good with the character details, these people have flaws and don't always make the best choices but they are real. They are shaped by their experiences for better and worse.
I am always looking for reading experiences that broaden my horizons when it comes to different countries around the world, and here you get so much in terms of cultural insights into Iran from fun little bits on the cuisine to general customs to the difficult political and societal landscape and then the refugee experience. Good for Nayeri for not shying away from pointing out how much harder the West makes it for asylum seekers and refugees and even plain immigrants these days. If this interests you, this is a great read in that regard, and I am really interested in her newest non-fiction release that swims in similar waters and comes out soon.
PS. Just realizing how autobiographical this novel is, Nayeri's life is very much the blue print for Niloo, and that explains a lot.
An intimate portrayal of these characters but also of Iran and of the refugee situation. The feeling of being rootless and missing family connections is a central element. Nayeri is such a beautiful writer, filling this story with nuances and her characters with true complexities. I was getting a bit worried when Niloo goes down the self finding route where the life she built over the last 15 years seems like a charade to her and she reconnects with the refugee community, and is thinking about leaving her Western husband because she believes she can only connect with people who share her roots. I get that that can be a thing in a certain situation but generally speaking I don't agree with that mindset and find it even harmful. Good thing is Nayeri has more to say about that towards the ending of the novel, she makes a point of stating that roots are important but when it comes to interpersonal connections that is far from the only truth, and I appreciated that. Again, Nayeri is just so good with the character details, these people have flaws and don't always make the best choices but they are real. They are shaped by their experiences for better and worse.
I am always looking for reading experiences that broaden my horizons when it comes to different countries around the world, and here you get so much in terms of cultural insights into Iran from fun little bits on the cuisine to general customs to the difficult political and societal landscape and then the refugee experience. Good for Nayeri for not shying away from pointing out how much harder the West makes it for asylum seekers and refugees and even plain immigrants these days. If this interests you, this is a great read in that regard, and I am really interested in her newest non-fiction release that swims in similar waters and comes out soon.
PS. Just realizing how autobiographical this novel is, Nayeri's life is very much the blue print for Niloo, and that explains a lot.
January 28, 2019
An opium-addicted, wealthy, Iranian dentist says goodbye to his wife and 2 kids as they leave Iran to seek asylum. He promises to follow, but his opium, money, dental practice, and 2 subsequent wives keep him tied to Iran. His daughter Niloo grows up as an American Ivy League student, marries a French man and ends up a European elitist. She only sees her father 4 times throughout her lifetime, each time shaken by a different decaying version of her addict father - a man she is so similar to but hardly knows. As the political climate in Iran begins to shatter, so too do both she and her father walk through their own shattering awakenings.
Such an eye-opening story of what it means to be a refugee, to never know where home is, to live and age apart from family. It’s ultimately a story of the powerful bonds of family and community and how they can restore and heal over decades. Didn’t think I was going to like the ending but it was so sweet and satisfying.
The author is an Iranian refugee herself and a graduate of Harvard, Princeton, and the Iowa Writer’s Workshop - the last of which immediately made me trust her as a writer. And it was a trust that did not disappoint.
Such an eye-opening story of what it means to be a refugee, to never know where home is, to live and age apart from family. It’s ultimately a story of the powerful bonds of family and community and how they can restore and heal over decades. Didn’t think I was going to like the ending but it was so sweet and satisfying.
The author is an Iranian refugee herself and a graduate of Harvard, Princeton, and the Iowa Writer’s Workshop - the last of which immediately made me trust her as a writer. And it was a trust that did not disappoint.
November 5, 2018
Definitiv in meinen Top 5 des Jahres bis jetzt.
April 13, 2022
Like Daniel Nayeri's Everything Sad Is Untrue (Daniel and Dina are siblings), this is a novel that reads like a memoir. Both books cover their family's immigrant experience from different points of view. There is no fond affection between them, at least in these novels.
Reading it evoked a kaleidoscope of emotions. Baba, her Persian father, is an opium addict, the life of the party who quotes poetry and tells stories.
Food and food memories are joyous. When her Persian grandmother sends a box of spices, Niloo gets cooking: sprinkling and pinching the magic combination, looking at the yellow turmeric, savoring the smell, listening to the sizzle.
Nayeri writes with skill [she thanks Marilynne Robinson in the acknowledgments]. She made me feel so many things that are foreign to my own experience. It left me melancholic but wanting to read more.
Reading it evoked a kaleidoscope of emotions. Baba, her Persian father, is an opium addict, the life of the party who quotes poetry and tells stories.
Baba's joy was like a piece of luggage tumbling down a steep escalator. You don't try to stop a thing with that much mass and momentum. You get out of the way.The main character, Niloo, has been uprooted from Iran and transplanted to Oklahoma. She spends most of the novel in Amsterdam, accomplished, uprooted, displaced, grieving her loss, looking for her identity, searching for a refuge, for home.
Food and food memories are joyous. When her Persian grandmother sends a box of spices, Niloo gets cooking: sprinkling and pinching the magic combination, looking at the yellow turmeric, savoring the smell, listening to the sizzle.
Nayeri writes with skill [she thanks Marilynne Robinson in the acknowledgments]. She made me feel so many things that are foreign to my own experience. It left me melancholic but wanting to read more.
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