Melegszívű fegyelmezés - kisgyerekkortól kamaszkorig

by Kim John Payne

A gyereknevelésben ugyanúgy vannak korszakok és divatok, mint a kultúra minden más területén. Volt idő, amikor a szülők túlzásba vitték a fegyelmezést, és a merev hozzáállással kikényszerített engedelmesség sok nemkívánatos következményhez vezetett. Ezzel szemben ma sok szülő még a fegyelmezés gondolatát is elutasítja, mert attól félnek, hogy ezzel eltaposnák gyerekük akaratát, és nem adnának teret egyénisége kibontakozásához. Nem akarják kitenni őt sok rossz élménynek, amit nekik maguknak kellett hajdan átélniük, és persze nem tehetetlen talpnyalóvá, hanem erős akaratú felnőtté szeretnék nevelni, akitől távol áll a kritikátlan tekintélytisztelet. Mások attól tartanak, hogy a fegyelmezés elidegenítené tőlük a gyereküket.
Ám ha egy gyereknek nagyobb szabadságot adunk, mint amivel bánni képes, akkor könnyen olyan helyzetekbe kerül, amelyekben nem boldogul. Mivel nem érzi magát biztonságban, szorongó, frusztrált és zavarodott lesz, folyamatosan ellenszegül, és kihívó viselkedéssel igyekszik a szülőből válaszreakciót kicsikarni, vagy olyan dolgokról kezd rendelkezni, amelyekről a felnőttnek kellene döntenie.
Ma a gyerekek egyébként is nehéz helyzetben vannak: túl sok inger éri őket, és túl sok a bizonytalanság az életükben. Éppen ezért mára a zavarodottság és a megnövekedett szorongás vált "normálissá", és ezek fényében nincs mit csodálkozni azon, hogy otthon és az iskolában is mind gyakrabban találkozhatunk problémás viselkedéssel. Ám fontos, hogy megértsük: ilyenkor nem egyszerűen "rossz magaviseletet", hanem a biztonságérzetet hozó egyensúly meglelésére tett kísérleteket láthatunk.
Bármilyen sokra is becsüljük a szabadságot, a korlátok és határok elengedhetetlenek ahhoz, hogy egy gyerek mentális egészségben nőhessen fel, és képes legyen megfelelően tájékozódni. Mindaddig, amíg ezeket tudatosan a gyerek változó igényeihez igazítjuk, nem kell attól félnünk, hogy elnyomjuk őt, vagy megromlik a kapcsolatunk. Éppen ellenkezőleg: a korának és aktuális helyzetének megfelelő, rugalmas határok a gondoskodás és biztonság érzetét nyújtják, így a szülő és gyerek közötti kötődést is erősítik.
Kim John Payne az egyik legismertebb ma is élő gyermekpszichológus, akinek Egyszerűbb gyermekkor című műve világszerte és Magyarországon is óriási sikert aratott. Új könyvében a melegszívű fegyelmezés filozófiájával és gyakorlatával ismertet meg, melyek segítségével a kényes nevelési helyzetekben is jól reagálhatunk, hatékonyan kezelve az ellenszegülő, provokatív, követelőző és más módon problematikus megnyilvánulásokat.

"Melegszívű fegyelmezés, irányítás, ide fut ki ez a könyv, rengeteg gyakorlati tanáccsal, és láthatod: így tudsz magadnak, gyerekednek és mindnyájunknak egy jobb világot építeni."
Dr. Vekerdy Tamás

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Psychology, Childrens, Self Help, Education

338 pages, Paperback

First published March 10, 2015

About the author

A consultant and trainer to 250 U.S. independent and public schools and school districts, Kim John Payne, M.Ed., has been a school and family counselor for more than thirty years. He has also consulted for clinics, training centers, and educational associations in South Africa, Hungary, Israel, Russia, Ireland, Switzerland, Germany, Australia, the United Kingdom, and Canada. He has served as the project director of the Collaborative Counseling Program at Antioch University and the co-director of an extensive research program on a drug-free approach to attention-priority issues. He is the director of the Simplicity Parenting Project and the Center for Social Sustainability and has worked extensively with the American and U.K. Waldorf movements. The author of Games Children Play, Simplicity Parenting, and Beyond Winning, he lives with his wife and two children in Northampton, Massachusetts.

Reviews

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have read Simplicity Parenting and think that you do not want to read another Kim John Payne book, I recommend you re-consider and try The Soul of Discipline. Simplicity Parenting, while I agree that the premise of the book is spot on, to some people it feels heavily opinionated. I have just seen Mr. Payne speak and I don't think that is his personality. I think he was just trying to make things simple for all of us. Please try to take away the gist of Simplicity Parenting: Buffer the culture and let your child grow up slowly at his own pace without hurrying. Now, on to how to actually DO it (the parenting thing)... The Soul of Discipline. I checked it out from the library, then I BOUGHT IT. Calm, Warm and Firm. From young child to Teen. I wish I had this book when my first child was a baby. It feels like what I have been aspiring to all along, but when put so simply, I can actually feel myself able to put it into practice now! How many times I have heard that punishments don't work or are wrong for some reason (such as by Alfie Kohn, et. al), but when Kim John Payne put it to me something like this, it CLICKED (in this book The Soul of Discipline): If you offer a reward for X behavior, you are negotiating. Because the child can evaluate the reward and decide if he wants it or not. So X behavior/task is optional if he wants to forgo the reward. (My wording). I immediately used that to make some changes. Plus, I was able to orient myself to the correct developmental stage of my two children. Kids need to be influenced and re-oriented, while trying to control is going to backfire. I have even more hope that I will be able to Guide them through their Tweens and Teens and not just "hope" that it works out. I know that they need my guidance and I can help them grow into their own true selves and develop their own inner guidance system by the time they reach adulthood. Yay!

[Jaclyn Harrison · Rating 3 out of 5]

Revisiting this review: I have actually noticed a difference by implementing some of these techniques.

My favorites are (for birth to age 9):

1. Telling rather than asking my child to do something. Example, instead of politely asking, "Can you get your coat on?", I politely tell him, "Go get your coat on." The author's theory here is that by asking, your child thinks he has some say in the matter, when he really doesn't because he needs to go get his coat on. So when he refuses and then you get angry, he gets confused. More often than not, now, my child will actually go get his coat on without me needing to tell him twice.

2. Not repeating a request. I admit, I was truly skeptical about this one, but it works in practice. Using the same example in #1 above, if my child does not go get his coat on, instead of telling him again, you are to break it down into smaller steps. For example, maybe you need to first tell him, "Put down your toys." then, "Go to the laundry room (or wherever you keep the coats)" and then finally, "Put on your coat." It may seem like a pain to have to do this, but seriously it works and it will save your sanity by not having to scream at your child to go get his freakin coat on.

3. There is some more in the book on connecting with your child before giving a directive. I was already trying to do this, and will continue to try to remember to do this.

I will probably revisit this book every couple of years for a refresher.

Initial review: I like the concept of the three different roles parents need to play depending on the age. I only read the chapters dealing with The Governor Phase - early years to around age 9. I will try the tips out for the younger kids and depending how it goes, I'll revisit the book in a few years to read chapters re: the older kids.

[Tonia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, I really liked this book and gained some valuable perspective from it. Now, I found myself not 100% agreeing with everything and found some of the approaches a little tedious (with several steps to resolve a problem) but as a whole I really related to the approach. It is refreshing to find a book that stresses the importance of maintaining family values no matter what...even when dealing with very minor issues. I also appreciate the scope of this book, from toddler to teenager, because it is difficult to find a book that can advise you in all of these stages with one overall concept, and especially one that feels realistic and useful. At the heart of the book are the Governor, Gardener, Guide roles...three life stages that require different interaction from the parent, all centered on true parent-child connection. I found some of the concepts in this book to be an asset to my parenting toolbox. Overall, a really helpful book!

[Heather O'Neill · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up this book because it is by an author that is highly referenced in the Waldorf community for his book Simplicity Parenting (I still need to read that book). I was interested to see what he had to say about discipline as my kids need it sometimes :). He basically says that there are three stages of parenting kids and during each of those stages the parents have to take on a certain role. The first stage birth-7-9 the parents are the Governors. We tell the kids what they need to do and don't give them the power of deciding how things will be. The second stage are the tween years 9/10-13/14 and in this stage the parents are the Gardeners. We are cultivating these kids to become the people that they want. They get more freedoms from the earlier stage, but we still are the ones that make the final decisions. The last stage is the teenager stage and the parents are the guides. We are there to help guide our children and work with them to attain their goals. Most of the stuff in the book was common sense to me and I did take away a few ideas from it. All of the sections about the tweens and the teenagers didn't apply to me and I have no idea if what he says would work, it did sound like it would. It would be interesting to refer back to this book when my kids are in those stages. The book was a quick read and if you are having some issues with disciplining your kids then this book might help.

[mairead! · Rating 4 out of 5]

Focused on the governorship sections sine that's where we're at--will revisit when we get to gardener. It was really calming to read this and the items I've been able to apply so far have definitely made a difference. Especially re: "When you are about to give a direction to a child, stick to these five essential steps: 1. Pause and Picture 2. Start Small 3. Stay Close and Calm 4. Don't Negotiate--Insist 5. Follow Through."

Also:
* your world-my world-our world
* parallel parking (sit beside playing child before transition, while doing something else with your hands, like food prep or knitting)
* making transitions rhythmic: little habits, time of day, hum a little song
* Go on a No Request-No Suggestion Diet
* Give two-by-two instructions (issue with two feet on the ground and your child no more than two feet away from you)
* Give directions: 1. clarify expectations 2. be empathetic but firm 3. clarify family values 4. create a feeling that you and your child are going in the same direction 5. be authoritative and warm 6. prepare for an instruction.
* Instruction creates inner structure
* Where we are going AND THEN how we will get there
* Never repeat a direction -- get specific about the instructions
* Too many words and too little meaning -- WAIT solution: Why Am I Talking?
* Speech that connects: actions lead and words follow
* DADD: Disapprove -- Affirm -- Discover -- Do Over

[Christian · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some great advice I've already started to implement, most of which could be summed up by the phrase "an incarnational approach." Come down to your child's level and discipline them with love.

One example: prepping my daughter for transitions (from house to car, say, or from playtime to bedtime) by sitting next to her, showing interest in what she's doing, and then clearly telling her what's going to happen next. It helps her be less disoriented when things change around her.

Not written from a Christian perspective, and so missing key insights about temptation, sin, and forgiveness. That said, he is clear about parental authority, for which I was grateful.

[Bence Gaspar · Rating 3 out of 5]

Igényesen van fordítva, ez kellemes meglepetés volt. Viszont kevés dologra mondanám benne, hogy a gyakorlatban is el tudom képzelni. Ezenkívül az első 150 oldalon hangzatos, de tartalom nélküli(nek tűnő) frázisokat puffogtat, ami nem válik előnyére.

[AJourneyWithoutMap · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Soul of Discipline: The Simplicity Parenting Approach to Warm, Firm, and Calm Guidance - From Toddlers to Teens by Kim John Payne, who is a school and family counsellor for more than thirty years, is a path-breaking resource book most parents with toddlers and teens will find extremely useful. The book is designed to provide children with well-defined boundaries and save parents from the feeling of free fall when confronted with challenging disciplinary situations.

From her own experience the author points out that there are no genuinely disobedient child or teen. She explained, “What I have encountered are myriad disoriented kids.” It falls on the parents to set the matter right and chart the course and pointed out the value of slowing down and simplifying family life. The Soul of Discipline explores what is at the heart of disciplining kids through a three-tiered Governor-Gardener-Guide parenting approach.

This resourceful book containing five parts and eleven chapters will also help parents to be more inquisitive and less accusative as The Soul of Discipline seeks to meet the challenges of raising children in a healthy, flexible way. The simple approach emphasized by author Kim John Payne will also help guide parents toward more open minds and more responsive hearts.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read a lot of parenting books. I mean, A LOT of parenting books. Some have been great, some very good, many are pretty basic or so simplistic that I cannot remember one word of it after I am done. The Soul Of Discipline is very good. I really appreciated that there was solid information about the middle years which can be hard to find. It is sensible, accurate and rooted in parenting through connection. I liked the developmental approach and I can imagine using it as I navigate the challenges and joys of those years. I did find some of the jargon distracting and it made it seem more messy and complicated than it is.

Like Simplicity Parenting I do not think his advice is sound for all kids and families and I do not think there that there are only "disoriented" kids. Children, like all humans, are very, very complicated and there are biological, genetic, psychological, environmental factors that account for it, besides that there is so much we do not even know or understand. Despite that caveat, I think that this is a good guide, a solid framework in which to hold parents through typical challenges. This book will be a keeper for me and I thank NetGalley for the opportunity to review this book.

Thank you to NetGalley for allowing me to review this book for an honest opinion.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could give this book 10 stars I would. The idea of us parents being a Governor/Gardner/Guide to our children through their developmental stages just resonated with me. Also the concept that children and not disobedient but just disoriented! Brilliant! Within a few hours I started to implement some of Kim's ideas in my parenting methods and my daughter who is strong willed began to respond in wonderful ways! Cannot wait to hear him speak in a town close to mine soon! Thank you! In my minimalist mode to simplify my life I did not purchase this book but borrowed it from the library. I will invest in my own copy now because I really need to reread and highlight it!

[Courtney Clark · Rating 3 out of 5]

Payne's Simplicity Parenting almost defined my parenting style. It was that important to me, when my oldest was a toddler. So maybe I expected too much from this book? Seems like your average parenting guide.

[Nicole · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are a few good points in this book. It's not a book I would recommend, though.

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another amazing book of practical strategies from Kim John Payne! For whatever reason, his methods really connect with my kids, so I was really excited to dig into this one. That said, I didn’t find this as easy to digest as “Simplicity Parenting.” The book has a difficult structure of levels — I wish I had been taking notes, to help me map out and visualize how his approaches work together. That said, once it clicks for you and you start applying these techniques, there is instant impact with your kids. Absolutely worth reading!

[Bridget Hanks · Rating 4 out of 5]

This one really resonated with me. Mostly it seemed to validate a lot of feelings I already held on parenting, but there was a lot here that was new and practical. The author put words and a framework to what would otherwise be just intuition. Unfortunately I did feel like it was a bit too long and could have been trimmed down a bit… and that’s with me basically skipping the chapters that pertained to older kids. I would definitely recommend this one to other parents if asked.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Two words: GAME. CHANGER.
I loved this book! I took it out from the library but will absolutely be buying my own copy as there are chapters I plan to refer back to for years to come as my kids grow and change.

[Candice Cleniuk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hands down the best parenting book I have ever read! Highly recommend for all parents to read this regardless of how old your children are.

[Andreea Pahontu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Parenting, a highly subjective topic, is interpreted and applied differently by as many parents as there are on this planet. Kim John Payne offers a unique proposal, as I haven't seen this approach to discipline applied among the parents in my social circle.
He suggests a disciplinary approach that addresses the short, medium, and long-term needs of children, preparing them for a life in which they make decisions consciously, considering their impact on themselves and those around them. This approach helps them develop skills to navigate through society.
It would have been more helpful in the book to find more examples of how to articulate certain concepts.

[Keeton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kim John Payne is a genius. He reminds parents to trust themselves and their common sense. He advocates for children’s rights to be children. His book is both practical and enlightening. I will undoubtedly come back to his calming words again and again throughout my journey as a parent.

[Aidan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read for work. I felt like a lot of what Kim John Payne had to say was fairly obvious. There was some fairly interesting ideas and guides though that seem helpful.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Since I didn't finish this, I'm not counting it towards my challenge. However, since I got 2/3 of the way through it, I thought I'd share.

His ideas are sound. I really like the 'Governor, Gardener, Guide' philosophy at the center of this book. I think that if I had read his earlier book first (Simplicity Parenting), I might have been more open to this. But in reading the Governor sections, which would apply to my children's ages, it just seems overwhelming, and not really my style.

There were many places where they'd say things like, 'Just remember these 5 points. . . ' but when they elaborated on the points, each one had 6 exceptions, so there were really 30 things to remember. The book is also very copy-dense - again, I think the methods are sound - but it's a lot to get through. It probably says something about my parenting style that I need pictures and snappy anecdotes to break up the theory:)

I'm attracted to a lot of the ideas here, and in many ways the Simplicity Parenting philosophy is something I'd like to adapt, at least to a degree. But I just don't think I'm there yet. I could see picking this back up in a few years, when my kids are a little more independent.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love how he sets out a framework for thinking about discipline and how he makes it more proactive than reactive. I've started using some of the suggestions already and they work amazingly quick! I especially liked the chapter on screen time. It is a very scary world that our children will be growing up in, but maybe that's what every generation thinks?
This book has helped me check my own behaviors and reactions and pause before I react to something my kid is doing. An excellent read!

[Shalyce · Rating 3 out of 5]

Textbook parenting

This wasn’t a book filled with new ideas for me, as I felt it largely drew on basic material in the field of study. At times I felt like I was reading a textbook for one of my college classes. If you haven’t read that type of material I believe it would be fairly informative. It did have some good ideas it shared, but wasn’t anything especially new. This is a good basic parenting book to read.

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book provides a framework for providing discipline from the toddler years until your kid is in their teens. I think it may be helpful for older kids, but the stuff for toddlers isn't practical. You're supposed to insist that your child do what you say, but never repeat an instruction? Good luck with that!

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kim John Payne is my favorite voice in the parenting advice world. His suggestions are reasonable, thorough, and supported by evidence and experience. I will be returning to this book (as well as Simplicity Parenting) many times in the years to come, in order to recalibrate and fine-tune my parenting.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

So I have a feeling I'll be reading this book several more times. It was enlightening, terrifying and gave concrete examples. Now if I can get Todd to read it :) Too much screen time... all of us - too much.

[Kristen]

Loved this book for both its philosophy as well as practical parenting tips. I first checked it out from the library; however I ended up buying it because it's a book I can come back to over and over as my son grows.

[Michelle Corder · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very good book. I read his other book, Simplicity Parenting and loved it so much that I had to read this one too. I already follow the approach he talks about, but he provides new ideas and perspectives, because some times parenting is a real challenge. Definitely recommend!

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the frameworks described in this book incredibly helpful in thinking about our changing roles as parents with regards to discipline and leadership. I skipped the teenaged section but will definitely return to it in 10 or so years.

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

About 1/3 of the book was relevant as the other chapters discussed discipline for tweenagers & teenagers, but I enjoyed what I read. Not quite as transformative as Simplicity Parenting, but worth a read.

[Stan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good ideas buried within a lot of tedious information and metaphors.