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Sex Without Stress: A couple's guide to overcoming disappointment, avoidance & pressure
Isn’t sex supposed to be easy?
Do sexual problems mean I’m in the wrong relationship?
How do we get to the point where sex is fun again?
Am I broken? Is there any hope?
Jessa Zimmerman takes on the heart-wrenching questions that naturally arise when couples are struggling with sex. Once sex becomes synonymous with disappointment, avoidance sets in and creates pressure in the bedroom. In this straightforward and practical book, Zimmerman guides us to understand the cycle that develops when sex is difficult, to shift our mindset when it comes to sexual intimacy, and to transform our sexual experience with our partner using a nine-phase experiential process.
"I wrote Sex Without Stress to bring hope and transformation to all of the couples who are in good relationships but are suffering in their sex lives and don’t see a way forward. It’s totally normal to struggle in your sex life, because at some point you are going to run into common obstacles like sexual dysfunction, lack of desire, or even just a busy life. By changing the way you think about intimacy and relationships, and by working through my 9-phase process, you can transform your sex life. And when your sex life is working, your whole relationship is going to work better," says Zimmerman.
Advance Praise for Sex Without Stress:
Whether being in a couple or working with couples, skill, perseverance and perspective are always important. Jessa Zimmerman, an expert in counseling couples, has written a much-needed book about couples. Her book is accessible and insightful. Her advice is never ‘formulaic’ but instead focuses on thoughtful and practical discussions about growing as a couple. I’ve wanted to refer to a book like this for a long time. So glad and not a moment too soon, Zimmerman has written it. I give it my highest recommendation!
- Sallie Foley, Director, University of Michigan Sexual Health Certificate Program & Co-author, Sex Matters for Women
Jessa Zimmerman takes the reader through a straightforward and no-nonsense journey, highlighting the most common struggles couples experience. This book
identifies the top issues with which couples struggle: from defining what sex is or should be, desire discrepancies and differences in couples’ sexual styles. She clearly maintains that it is essential for each partner to be accountable for themselves—and to each other—to follow the useful action steps she walks them through necessary to bypass avoidance, disappointment and pressure.
- Dr. Joe Kort, LMSW, Author & Speaker
A definitive resource that helps couples face and identify the pain of lost sexual intimacy. Jessa bridges the gap between sexual desire and sexual despair as she offers concrete methods to stop avoiding sex. Her techniques clearly outline ways to have “sex without stress” that are accessible to all couples, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. As a sex therapist, I highly recommend this book as it pursues reducing the pressure and finding the pleasure of sex.
- Edy Nathan MA, LCSWR, CST
Over the last 40 years, I have met many good couples struggling to become great, trying to recapture the passion they had when they first met. Sexual problems are common over a long-term relationship. Many couples avoid sharing their personal feelings about their sexuality, failing to address the personal barriers to recapturing that loving lust. Jessa Zimmerman’s book addresses just that, helping couples who avoid sex to find transparency and willingness to share and explore oneself and each other’s sexual map. Sex Without Stress can help your love life become great again.
- Dr. Kevin Seymour, Clinical Psychologist
Do sexual problems mean I’m in the wrong relationship?
How do we get to the point where sex is fun again?
Am I broken? Is there any hope?
Jessa Zimmerman takes on the heart-wrenching questions that naturally arise when couples are struggling with sex. Once sex becomes synonymous with disappointment, avoidance sets in and creates pressure in the bedroom. In this straightforward and practical book, Zimmerman guides us to understand the cycle that develops when sex is difficult, to shift our mindset when it comes to sexual intimacy, and to transform our sexual experience with our partner using a nine-phase experiential process.
"I wrote Sex Without Stress to bring hope and transformation to all of the couples who are in good relationships but are suffering in their sex lives and don’t see a way forward. It’s totally normal to struggle in your sex life, because at some point you are going to run into common obstacles like sexual dysfunction, lack of desire, or even just a busy life. By changing the way you think about intimacy and relationships, and by working through my 9-phase process, you can transform your sex life. And when your sex life is working, your whole relationship is going to work better," says Zimmerman.
Advance Praise for Sex Without Stress:
Whether being in a couple or working with couples, skill, perseverance and perspective are always important. Jessa Zimmerman, an expert in counseling couples, has written a much-needed book about couples. Her book is accessible and insightful. Her advice is never ‘formulaic’ but instead focuses on thoughtful and practical discussions about growing as a couple. I’ve wanted to refer to a book like this for a long time. So glad and not a moment too soon, Zimmerman has written it. I give it my highest recommendation!
- Sallie Foley, Director, University of Michigan Sexual Health Certificate Program & Co-author, Sex Matters for Women
Jessa Zimmerman takes the reader through a straightforward and no-nonsense journey, highlighting the most common struggles couples experience. This book
identifies the top issues with which couples struggle: from defining what sex is or should be, desire discrepancies and differences in couples’ sexual styles. She clearly maintains that it is essential for each partner to be accountable for themselves—and to each other—to follow the useful action steps she walks them through necessary to bypass avoidance, disappointment and pressure.
- Dr. Joe Kort, LMSW, Author & Speaker
A definitive resource that helps couples face and identify the pain of lost sexual intimacy. Jessa bridges the gap between sexual desire and sexual despair as she offers concrete methods to stop avoiding sex. Her techniques clearly outline ways to have “sex without stress” that are accessible to all couples, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. As a sex therapist, I highly recommend this book as it pursues reducing the pressure and finding the pleasure of sex.
- Edy Nathan MA, LCSWR, CST
Over the last 40 years, I have met many good couples struggling to become great, trying to recapture the passion they had when they first met. Sexual problems are common over a long-term relationship. Many couples avoid sharing their personal feelings about their sexuality, failing to address the personal barriers to recapturing that loving lust. Jessa Zimmerman’s book addresses just that, helping couples who avoid sex to find transparency and willingness to share and explore oneself and each other’s sexual map. Sex Without Stress can help your love life become great again.
- Dr. Kevin Seymour, Clinical Psychologist
200 pages, Paperback
Published August 22, 2018
440 people are currently reading
313 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews
February 15, 2022
What I liked about this book it's its practical approach, being a valid tool to make a difference in a relationship.
I also really appreciated that it motivates the reader to investigate her/his own history, family and previous relationship issues which we often overlook. A great chance to get to know yourself better.
I also really appreciated that it motivates the reader to investigate her/his own history, family and previous relationship issues which we often overlook. A great chance to get to know yourself better.
October 7, 2024
Hard not to give it 5 stars tbh I might change the rating
December 1, 2023
I read this book at the recommendation of a partner, and found it incredibly helpful. clear, concise easy to read and accessible, and inspiring. a welcome antidote to a common challenge.
capturing some quotes here for posterity.
35 any definition of sex needs to be inclusive, include consent, be accessible for all bodies, and focus on pleasure and connection rather than specific Acts or orgasm
38 each of you is responsible for yourself. you are to play your own side of the Court only. play your side, and let your partner play theirs. it is not your job to take care of your partner, I figure out what they're thinking, or make decisions on their behalf. that is their side of the Court.. you need to speak up about what you want and what you think and feel. you're the one taking care of you
you are responsible for your own pleasure and your own orgasm.. that means, likewise, that you are not responsible for your partners. you can be a willing participant, but it is not your burden to know what they want what or to do it perfectly on your own
39 you each need to trust that the other is taken care of themselves, so you can pursue what you want. if you can't trust their no, then you can't trust their yes
my basic rule of the court is to say no when you need to say no. when you just want to say no, it's time to evaluate your motives... can you stretch yourself out of your comfort zone and give them what they want and still feel good about it? where is your no coming from?
40 when you feel vulnerable, you look to your partner to take care of you and make you feel safe. instead, look at how you need to strengthen yourself to be okay so that you can remain open to your partner. they don't make things safe for you. you make it safe for yourself
41 knowing that you will get the truth, no matter how painful it is to hear, creates a deep level of trust and safety. there is safety and being held accountable: hearing it straight from your partner about what they think, how they feel, and what they see in your behavior. and fact, this shows respect for you, demonstrating a belief in your ability to receive feedback and your interest in growth
ask for what you want but tolerate not getting it
42 it is your job to share what's on your mind. as a rule, you should reveal what's going on in your head.. it's also your job to correct your partner if they are misreading you; share what you are really thinking or feeling
43 play your cards down first my rule of the cord is to play your cards first. lay them on the table before you ask your partner to play theirs. talk about what you're thinking or feeling and then follow it up with questions about what your partner thinks. this is intimacy -- letting your partner see what's going on with you, being willing to risk their disapproval, and being able to stand by what you believe
the key to intimacy is letting yourself be seen... if you want to true intimacy and look forward to enjoying your best sex life, you need to reveal yourself to your partner
44 you'll need to tolerate to the anxiety of letting your partner see who you are and what you want as well as anxiety you may have when you get a clear look at your partner
47 practice giving yourself permission to be who you are and finding the feeling that being okay with yourself
48 great sex takes time, maturity, experience, self-knowledge, and strength -- qualities that take decades to fully develop and only come with practice
56 the root cause of avoidance of sex is unmet expectations. something hasn't been going well, and avoidance has become the way to deal with it
73 it's difficult to engage in something that makes you feel inadequate
97 your partner's issues can be used as a diversion, even if they're real, so that you don't have to deal with your own
99 develop the ability to tolerate anxiety as well as feeling unsettled and unsure. instead of looking to your partner to change what they're doing, settle yourself down and tend to your own reactivity
100 if you get triggered or escalated, it's your job to notice that and do what you need to do to regain control. it's also your job to let your partner take a break when needed and not hold them in discussion against their will
focus on what you must do and allow your partner the space and responsibility to tend to their own work
101 perhaps the hardest part of playing your side of the court is the need to be completely honest... you need to be honest even when it's going to cost you, even when it might cost you the relationship and when it really isn't what your partner wants to hear
your partner cannot trust you if you hold back to spare their feelings or "make them safe". they will not trust you if you swallow your feelings and concerns only to blindside them later. trust will not exist if you neglect your own needs and wants, building resentment over time, even if you are doing it to keep the peace or be accommodating
102 you may fear was going to be revealed about you or your relationship if you honestly open up. once you get honest, you can't go back to pretending you don't know. there is no unringing that Bell -- and that is a good thing, although it feels risky
103 doing your part as a teammate means taking this seriously and acting unilaterally, whether or not your partner is doing the same. this is a commitment you make for yourself: to do your work and to clean up your part
holding someone else accountable is a respectful thing to do; it shows you think they can do better
117 insight doesn't equal change. change comes from deciding to behave differently. ultimately, you need to change how you act and what you do. change is experiential. you need to practice new ways of being and behaving.
135 good sex involves wanting
you need to create opportunities for sexual desire to arise
136 many people struggle with desire in general. you grow up in an environment that teaches you whether your desires are valued, whether there is room for your wishes, whether you can expect to have your wants fulfilled, and whether your voice could be heard and welcomed. you may have learned not to want because it was equated with neediness.
149 that's the foundation of trust in a sex life, knowing that your partner will safeguard themselves and is choosing to participate sexually with you. you each need the ability to discern what is good for you and what is bad, and you need the skill to say no when that's appropriate. likewise, you need the ability to hear no when your partner is taking care of themselves and recognize no is a good thing in that situation.
150 asking for what you want and risking denial will be a challenge, but it is a crucial skill and building a successful relationship and sex life
155 having the strength to access your desire and then act from that place opens sex up and create a more fulfilling experience for both people
166 change happens experientially. you need to practice thinking and behaving differently to transform your sex life.
capturing some quotes here for posterity.
35 any definition of sex needs to be inclusive, include consent, be accessible for all bodies, and focus on pleasure and connection rather than specific Acts or orgasm
38 each of you is responsible for yourself. you are to play your own side of the Court only. play your side, and let your partner play theirs. it is not your job to take care of your partner, I figure out what they're thinking, or make decisions on their behalf. that is their side of the Court.. you need to speak up about what you want and what you think and feel. you're the one taking care of you
you are responsible for your own pleasure and your own orgasm.. that means, likewise, that you are not responsible for your partners. you can be a willing participant, but it is not your burden to know what they want what or to do it perfectly on your own
39 you each need to trust that the other is taken care of themselves, so you can pursue what you want. if you can't trust their no, then you can't trust their yes
my basic rule of the court is to say no when you need to say no. when you just want to say no, it's time to evaluate your motives... can you stretch yourself out of your comfort zone and give them what they want and still feel good about it? where is your no coming from?
40 when you feel vulnerable, you look to your partner to take care of you and make you feel safe. instead, look at how you need to strengthen yourself to be okay so that you can remain open to your partner. they don't make things safe for you. you make it safe for yourself
41 knowing that you will get the truth, no matter how painful it is to hear, creates a deep level of trust and safety. there is safety and being held accountable: hearing it straight from your partner about what they think, how they feel, and what they see in your behavior. and fact, this shows respect for you, demonstrating a belief in your ability to receive feedback and your interest in growth
ask for what you want but tolerate not getting it
42 it is your job to share what's on your mind. as a rule, you should reveal what's going on in your head.. it's also your job to correct your partner if they are misreading you; share what you are really thinking or feeling
43 play your cards down first my rule of the cord is to play your cards first. lay them on the table before you ask your partner to play theirs. talk about what you're thinking or feeling and then follow it up with questions about what your partner thinks. this is intimacy -- letting your partner see what's going on with you, being willing to risk their disapproval, and being able to stand by what you believe
the key to intimacy is letting yourself be seen... if you want to true intimacy and look forward to enjoying your best sex life, you need to reveal yourself to your partner
44 you'll need to tolerate to the anxiety of letting your partner see who you are and what you want as well as anxiety you may have when you get a clear look at your partner
47 practice giving yourself permission to be who you are and finding the feeling that being okay with yourself
48 great sex takes time, maturity, experience, self-knowledge, and strength -- qualities that take decades to fully develop and only come with practice
56 the root cause of avoidance of sex is unmet expectations. something hasn't been going well, and avoidance has become the way to deal with it
73 it's difficult to engage in something that makes you feel inadequate
97 your partner's issues can be used as a diversion, even if they're real, so that you don't have to deal with your own
99 develop the ability to tolerate anxiety as well as feeling unsettled and unsure. instead of looking to your partner to change what they're doing, settle yourself down and tend to your own reactivity
100 if you get triggered or escalated, it's your job to notice that and do what you need to do to regain control. it's also your job to let your partner take a break when needed and not hold them in discussion against their will
focus on what you must do and allow your partner the space and responsibility to tend to their own work
101 perhaps the hardest part of playing your side of the court is the need to be completely honest... you need to be honest even when it's going to cost you, even when it might cost you the relationship and when it really isn't what your partner wants to hear
your partner cannot trust you if you hold back to spare their feelings or "make them safe". they will not trust you if you swallow your feelings and concerns only to blindside them later. trust will not exist if you neglect your own needs and wants, building resentment over time, even if you are doing it to keep the peace or be accommodating
102 you may fear was going to be revealed about you or your relationship if you honestly open up. once you get honest, you can't go back to pretending you don't know. there is no unringing that Bell -- and that is a good thing, although it feels risky
103 doing your part as a teammate means taking this seriously and acting unilaterally, whether or not your partner is doing the same. this is a commitment you make for yourself: to do your work and to clean up your part
holding someone else accountable is a respectful thing to do; it shows you think they can do better
117 insight doesn't equal change. change comes from deciding to behave differently. ultimately, you need to change how you act and what you do. change is experiential. you need to practice new ways of being and behaving.
135 good sex involves wanting
you need to create opportunities for sexual desire to arise
136 many people struggle with desire in general. you grow up in an environment that teaches you whether your desires are valued, whether there is room for your wishes, whether you can expect to have your wants fulfilled, and whether your voice could be heard and welcomed. you may have learned not to want because it was equated with neediness.
149 that's the foundation of trust in a sex life, knowing that your partner will safeguard themselves and is choosing to participate sexually with you. you each need the ability to discern what is good for you and what is bad, and you need the skill to say no when that's appropriate. likewise, you need the ability to hear no when your partner is taking care of themselves and recognize no is a good thing in that situation.
150 asking for what you want and risking denial will be a challenge, but it is a crucial skill and building a successful relationship and sex life
155 having the strength to access your desire and then act from that place opens sex up and create a more fulfilling experience for both people
166 change happens experientially. you need to practice thinking and behaving differently to transform your sex life.
July 20, 2023
I give this book 2.5 stars. I underlined a ton of stuff in the book so clearly it had a lot of stuff that hit home or impressed upon me. But there was also a lot of conflicting advice, particularly around the importance of learning to say no but also pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and saying yes even when you don't want to. Additionally, she completely overlooked the ace spectrum.In fact, she implied both subtly and overtly that an ace has suppressed sexuality and/or their sexual self will emerge when they do xyz. She implied that low desire is unattractive because "want is sexy" and not wanting is a disservice to the partner because it robs them of the opportunity to give. She stated that low desire is desire that has just been pushed down or never encouraged to emerge. Not ever did she talk about how that could just be how a person is physically wired and that that's normal and ok. Lastly, the entire book is written under the assumption that people with sexual difficulties have been avoiding even talking about the problems and a lot of the book is directed at teaching you how to even bring this up with your partner. At no point does she address couples who may have been fighting about sex for years, talking about all kinds of things and still not coming up with answers. Overall, I felt frustrated, disappointed, and like I wasn't seen a lot throughout this book.
April 29, 2020
The information in this book is solid. The author describes the relational patterns we get stuck in that prevent sex, WHY we get stuck in them, and how to get out of them. Months later, I’m still using some of the exercises and principles the author recommended. If you’re not having as much sex in your committed relationship as you would like, this is worth a read.
November 2, 2022
Really good
I really enjoyed this book. I got a lot out of it. Now I’m trying to get my wife to read it. I know if we read this book together and follow the exercises we could be in an amazing place in our 16 year marriage. I would definitely recommend this book.
I really enjoyed this book. I got a lot out of it. Now I’m trying to get my wife to read it. I know if we read this book together and follow the exercises we could be in an amazing place in our 16 year marriage. I would definitely recommend this book.
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October 23, 2025Isn’t sex supposed to be easy? Do sexual problems mean I’m in the wrong relationship? How do we get to the point where sex is fun again? Am I broken? Is there any hope? Jessa Zimmerman takes on the heart-wrenching questions that naturally arise when couples are struggling with sex. Once sex becomes synonymous with disappointment, avoidance sets in and creates pressure in the bedroom. In this straightforward and practical book, Zimmerman guides us to understand the cycle that develops when sex is difficult, to shift our mindset when it comes to sexual intimacy, and to transform our sexual experience with our partner using a nine-phase experiential process.
September 15, 2021
Absolutely amazing read. If you actually take the time to answer some of the questions in detail when they are presented in this book it truly opens your mind and your heart to possibilities you didn’t think you were ready for. I shall update this response once my partner gets an understanding of the storyline as well.
May 27, 2024
This is a great book for anyone willing to learn more about sex in the context of a committed partnership. I found the insights in the second half of the book more revealing and useful. Overall, this is a very useful and unpretentious guide: There is *just* one (yes, one) exercise across the book. Simple, but enough. Cheers to the author!
May 20, 2022
Handy little book. My takeaway was that it gave me a reference for what's "normal". I think we sometimes hold ourselves to some imagined standard that can be damaging. Anything to take pressure and self-criticism away is useful in my book.
July 21, 2025
To be fair to this book I’m not currently having issues sexually I am just always looking to improve so I do think to me most of this was obvious information and just not as mind blowing as I assumed it would be to making sex better.
November 2, 2020
Written for me
After reading this book I felt it was written about me and my problems. I hope to find some peace.
After reading this book I felt it was written about me and my problems. I hope to find some peace.
November 26, 2025
Very good take
November 9, 2020
Great book
I recommend to couples who are trying to regain their sex life. I would recommend this to all of my friends
I recommend to couples who are trying to regain their sex life. I would recommend this to all of my friends
October 5, 2024
This is definitely not a conservative Christian book, which I’m glad about! 🤭 The book was fantastic! The four stories illustrate different approaches toward happier relationships and tackling those difficult topics we often shy away from. It creates a structure that fosters understanding and intimacy, deepening the bond with yourself and your partner.
I really appreciate the emphasis on how roles in relationships can impact mental health and self-worth. The sections about anxiety and finding freedom are so important, especially for anyone navigating complex dynamics. One of the early exercises was a barrage of questions instead of explanations, but those questions helped uncover insights into my own identity and what I want and need, as well as what my partner needs.
It’s a book about sex, but it’s not just that. It’s about understanding your history, your present, and your future—and how to love your partner in a way that is both fulfilling and gentle. It encourages exploring both your and your partner’s sexual identities.
I particularly appreciated the discussions on gender reassignment and identity. That part didn’t apply to me directly, but it showcased the author’s thoughtfulness in creating a complex understanding of sexuality instead of sticking to a single lens.
If you grew up conservative, give this book a chance. I believe it can help anyone, including those who want to foster more compassionate and understanding relationships.
I really appreciate the emphasis on how roles in relationships can impact mental health and self-worth. The sections about anxiety and finding freedom are so important, especially for anyone navigating complex dynamics. One of the early exercises was a barrage of questions instead of explanations, but those questions helped uncover insights into my own identity and what I want and need, as well as what my partner needs.
It’s a book about sex, but it’s not just that. It’s about understanding your history, your present, and your future—and how to love your partner in a way that is both fulfilling and gentle. It encourages exploring both your and your partner’s sexual identities.
I particularly appreciated the discussions on gender reassignment and identity. That part didn’t apply to me directly, but it showcased the author’s thoughtfulness in creating a complex understanding of sexuality instead of sticking to a single lens.
If you grew up conservative, give this book a chance. I believe it can help anyone, including those who want to foster more compassionate and understanding relationships.
September 10, 2018
Smart, informative, and has helped my marriage immensely! Jessa's book has changed the way I think about intimacy and relationship with my husband. She has 9-phase process that includes a biggie -- the avoidance cycle - and how to overcome it! Highly recommend.
Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews