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The Liturgical Mystery #14
The Lyric Wore Lycra
Police Chief Hayden Konig likes solving crimes. He likes his part-time job as organist at St. Barnabas Church. He likes typing his detective stories on Raymond Chandler’s 1939 Underwood typewriter.
Hayden is good at two of these things. Crimes rarely go unsolved in the little Appalachian town of St. Germaine, North Carolina. The music at the Episcopal parish is top notch. His writing however ...
— “It’s you I want,” she panted, flinging herself onto the davenport, like one might fling a sausage onto a davenport.
“What’s your game, sister?” I queried.
She pulled me down and kissed me like I hadn’t been smooched since that time I ended up with a mouth full of suckers playing spin-the-octopus with the finalists of the 1974 Miss Cephalopod beauty contest.
“This is the game,” she whispered.
“Spin-the-octopus?” I gasped.
“No,” she slurped. “The game of love ...” —
Fat Tuesday: the only religious holiday for the horizontally challenged. It’s only natural that St. Barnabas Church should offer a Lenten class called Paunches Pilates. As the gang ponders forty days of penitence and self control, it becomes clear that there is a murderer in town. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust — will they ever get this mess cleaned up?
Hayden Konig’s 14th mystery —
It’s not what you expect ...
it’s even funnier!
Hayden is good at two of these things. Crimes rarely go unsolved in the little Appalachian town of St. Germaine, North Carolina. The music at the Episcopal parish is top notch. His writing however ...
— “It’s you I want,” she panted, flinging herself onto the davenport, like one might fling a sausage onto a davenport.
“What’s your game, sister?” I queried.
She pulled me down and kissed me like I hadn’t been smooched since that time I ended up with a mouth full of suckers playing spin-the-octopus with the finalists of the 1974 Miss Cephalopod beauty contest.
“This is the game,” she whispered.
“Spin-the-octopus?” I gasped.
“No,” she slurped. “The game of love ...” —
Fat Tuesday: the only religious holiday for the horizontally challenged. It’s only natural that St. Barnabas Church should offer a Lenten class called Paunches Pilates. As the gang ponders forty days of penitence and self control, it becomes clear that there is a murderer in town. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust — will they ever get this mess cleaned up?
Hayden Konig’s 14th mystery —
It’s not what you expect ...
it’s even funnier!
192 pages, Paperback
Published July 15, 2017
About the author
Mark Schweizer
37 books83 followersIn 1974, Mark Schweizer, a brand-new high-school graduate decided to eschew the family architectural business and become an opera singer. Against all prevailing wisdom and despite jokes from his peers such as "What does the music major say after his first job interview?" (answer: You want fries with that?), he enrolled in the Music School at Stetson University. To his father, the rationale was obvious. No math requirement.
Everything happens for a reason, however, and he now lives and works as a musician, composer, author and publisher in Tryon, North Carolina with his lovely wife, Donis. If anyone finds out what he’s up to, he’ll have to go back to work at Mr. Steak. He actually has a bunch of degrees, including a Doctor of Musical Arts from the University of Arizona. I know! What were they thinking?
In the field of bad writing, Mark had the distinction of receiving a Dishonorable Mention in the 2006 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, an annual contest in which the entrants compete for the dubious honor of having composed the worst opening sentence to an imaginary novel. In 2007, his sentence now found on page 17 of The Mezzo Wore Mink was runner-up in the Detective Category. This, and two other of his entries, were featured in It Was A Dark and Stormy Night: A Collection of the Worst Fiction Ever Written, edited by Scott Rice and published by The Friday Project.
In varying stages of his career, Mark has waited tables, written articles for Collgehumor.com, won opera competitions, sung oratorios, taught in college music departments, raised pot-bellied pigs and hedgehogs, directed church choirs, sung the bass solo to Beethoven’s 9th with the Atlanta Symphony, hosted a classical music radio show, taught in a seminary, sung recitals, started a regional opera company, published choral music, built a log cabin, written opera librettos, directed stage productions, helped his wife to raise their two children and managed to remain married for thirty-two years. He also owns several chainsaws.
“Well,” Donis says, “it’s never boring.
In the fall of 2001, I began what I hoped would be a funny little book about an Episcopal choir director/ detective that had a flair for bad writing. Now, nine years later, that book, The Alto Wore Tweed, has had its ninth printing and the rest of the books (bad writing aside) are winning awards and working hard to catch up. Thanks to you, the Hayden Konig adventures continue to make their way into the hands of mystery lovers and across church choirs, one reader and singer at a time.
Everything happens for a reason, however, and he now lives and works as a musician, composer, author and publisher in Tryon, North Carolina with his lovely wife, Donis. If anyone finds out what he’s up to, he’ll have to go back to work at Mr. Steak. He actually has a bunch of degrees, including a Doctor of Musical Arts from the University of Arizona. I know! What were they thinking?
In the field of bad writing, Mark had the distinction of receiving a Dishonorable Mention in the 2006 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, an annual contest in which the entrants compete for the dubious honor of having composed the worst opening sentence to an imaginary novel. In 2007, his sentence now found on page 17 of The Mezzo Wore Mink was runner-up in the Detective Category. This, and two other of his entries, were featured in It Was A Dark and Stormy Night: A Collection of the Worst Fiction Ever Written, edited by Scott Rice and published by The Friday Project.
In varying stages of his career, Mark has waited tables, written articles for Collgehumor.com, won opera competitions, sung oratorios, taught in college music departments, raised pot-bellied pigs and hedgehogs, directed church choirs, sung the bass solo to Beethoven’s 9th with the Atlanta Symphony, hosted a classical music radio show, taught in a seminary, sung recitals, started a regional opera company, published choral music, built a log cabin, written opera librettos, directed stage productions, helped his wife to raise their two children and managed to remain married for thirty-two years. He also owns several chainsaws.
“Well,” Donis says, “it’s never boring.
In the fall of 2001, I began what I hoped would be a funny little book about an Episcopal choir director/ detective that had a flair for bad writing. Now, nine years later, that book, The Alto Wore Tweed, has had its ninth printing and the rest of the books (bad writing aside) are winning awards and working hard to catch up. Thanks to you, the Hayden Konig adventures continue to make their way into the hands of mystery lovers and across church choirs, one reader and singer at a time.
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Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
March 2, 2018
Once again Mark Schweizer pens another wonderfully funny entry into his Liturgical Mysteries series. I just hope I won't have to wait too long for the next installment.
May 5, 2020
Only murder mystery I ever read where a victim was strangled with . . . oops. Don't want to give it away.
June 19, 2020
Lent is a season of self-discipline and self-denial. Thus the people of Saint Barnabas' Church, in Saint Germaine, North Carolina, will offer a Lenten class called Paunches Pilates to take pounds off while uplifting spirits. So beginneth the fourteenth volume of The Liturgical Mysteries by Mark Schweizer (God rest his soul). Protagonist Hayden Konig is both the chief of police and the organist-choir director. So he is required to investigate when a woman protesting the serving of duck on a restaurant's menu is found strangled in her car. The murder weapon is a life-size latex replica of a human umbilical cord, from a model used in childbirth classes. They don't write' em like that anymore, not even on the original authentic typewriter owned and used by Raymond Chandler on which Chief Konig produces his own painfully-bad murder-noir novels. This volume is just a bit more adult than the previous volumes. The send-up of the Ash Wednesday liturgy is up to Schweizer’s usual high standards. It gives me tears that I am nearing the end of the series. Mark Schweizer died 9 November 2019 and, after these, we will learn no more about the colourful residents of Saint Germaine, North Carolina."
January 6, 2018
this series is a HOOT. choir master/organist/police chief of a small town, writes bad detective stories as a side, pops them in the choir folders for the choir to read... hard boiled detective puns, play with language...
"It was a dark and stormy night in the city that never sleeps and so is perpetually cranky."
"It was a dark and stormy night in the city that never sleeps and so is perpetually cranky."
November 16, 2018
Ever been in a church choir, served on a church committee, or lived in a small town? The Liturgical Mysteries Series, which includes this penultimate title, is a hilarious sendup of cozy murder mysteries. Hayden Konig is both police chief and music director of the Episcopal church in St. Germain, NC. He solves crimes, gets into musical mischief, and writes horrendously bad crime fiction parodies, ala Raymond Chandler. Although the novels are well plotted, the best parts are the quirky locals and uproarious church services gone wrong. Not many more times to sit down to breakfast at Pete's Slab cafe with Hayden, deputies Nancy and Dave, mayor and belly dance Cynthia, and Hayden's wife and mother-to-be Meg, or sit in the choir loft practicing the latest anthem while reading Hayden's groan-worthy prose because it looks like the author plans to conclude the series with number 15.
May 14, 2018
Yet another tale of murder and mayhem in St. Germain, NC. This time, the first victim used to know Police Chief Haydn Konig, and the second was a newcomer to town. Then there was a third...
Chief Konig is not only the police chief, he's also choir director and organist for St. Bartholemew Episcopal Church, as well as an amateur author, his latest opus being the short story of the title. These Liturgical Mysteries are humorous novels by a man who is himself a composer and arranger of Liturgical music, who happens to also be an accomplished writer.
And Chief Konig's wife has a baby at the end.
Chief Konig is not only the police chief, he's also choir director and organist for St. Bartholemew Episcopal Church, as well as an amateur author, his latest opus being the short story of the title. These Liturgical Mysteries are humorous novels by a man who is himself a composer and arranger of Liturgical music, who happens to also be an accomplished writer.
And Chief Konig's wife has a baby at the end.
February 28, 2023
Another fun visit to St Germaine NC. I have officially finished my reread and am sadly about to start the final book in the series for the first time. These are such fun books, and I'm always glad to visit this lovely town and it's crazy inhabitants.
March 3, 2018
Perfect for Lent (or any other time)
I love the entire series! I night recommend the series to musicians who love light mysteries and mysteries lovers who enjoy music.
I love the entire series! I night recommend the series to musicians who love light mysteries and mysteries lovers who enjoy music.
April 3, 2018
Silly fun, as usual.
May 28, 2018
I love these books!
If you work at a church, you must read these books. They really do hit home, and are so funny.
If you work at a church, you must read these books. They really do hit home, and are so funny.
February 4, 2019
Have read all his books and enjoyed them. Even passed one along to our church liturgist and she was laughing , too. This is funny, but I"m afraid it's not the best. I'd still recommend it, though.
August 8, 2019
Oh dear
These stories are so wonderfully bad. I did think the purple hair on the cantor was a nice touch. Ashes, ashes: awesome.
These stories are so wonderfully bad. I did think the purple hair on the cantor was a nice touch. Ashes, ashes: awesome.
January 27, 2020
Another funny read. Only one more book, I am really going to miss this series.
April 13, 2020
Laugh out loud funny.
April 27, 2020
Another fun adventure to St Barnabas Church!!
Almost the end of the series.
Almost the end of the series.
April 17, 2025
nearing the end
I grieve the fact I have only one more book in this series left. I started when the first was published
I grieve the fact I have only one more book in this series left. I started when the first was published
May 8, 2025
Another fun read regarding the exploits of the citizens of St Germaine, NC by Mark Schweitzer.
July 23, 2023
Always fun and irreverent, next to the last entry in an entertaining series.
December 6, 2018
So glad I could get this book in paperbook. Very funny liturgical mystery.
My husband is reading the last book in series.
I am going to miss reading about the residents of St. Germaine North Carolina.
My husband is reading the last book in series.
I am going to miss reading about the residents of St. Germaine North Carolina.
January 17, 2018
Not my favorite in the series, but it's always fun to spend time with the residents of St. Germaine. I hope we don't have to wait too long for the next installment!
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews