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Unashamed: A Coming-Out Guide for LGBTQ Christians
On a daily basis, author and LGBTQ advocate Amber Cantorna receives emails asking the same question: How does one reconcile their sexuality with their faith? Depression, despair, and thoughts of suicide often haunt LGBTQ Christians as they feel unable to imagine the possibility of living a happy, fulfilling life as an LGBTQ person of faith.
As the gay daughter of a thirty-plus-year executive of conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family, Amber lost everything when she came out as gay in 2012. However, her journey to embrace her authenticity brought her fulfillment and wisdom to share. Unashamed serves as a guide for Christians considering coming out, tackling tough subject matters such as demolishing internalized homophobia, finding an affirming faith community, reestablishing your worth as a child of God, navigating difficult family conversations (especially in cases where family is involved in church leadership/ministry), and healing from the pain of rejection. Unashamed encourages LGBTQ Christians to embrace their unique identities and to celebrate the diversity placed inside them by God.
As the gay daughter of a thirty-plus-year executive of conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family, Amber lost everything when she came out as gay in 2012. However, her journey to embrace her authenticity brought her fulfillment and wisdom to share. Unashamed serves as a guide for Christians considering coming out, tackling tough subject matters such as demolishing internalized homophobia, finding an affirming faith community, reestablishing your worth as a child of God, navigating difficult family conversations (especially in cases where family is involved in church leadership/ministry), and healing from the pain of rejection. Unashamed encourages LGBTQ Christians to embrace their unique identities and to celebrate the diversity placed inside them by God.
178 pages, Paperback
Published March 12, 2019
39 people are currently reading
767 people want to read
About the author
Amber Cantorna-Wylde
4 books55 followersAmber Cantorna-Wylde (she/her) is a national speaker, community healer, and the author of three books. Her newest book, Out of Focus: My Story of Sexuality, Shame, and Toxic Evangelicalism releases Oct. 2023. As a gay woman living with the invisible disability of both Lyme disease and rheumatoid arthritis, Amber specializes in bringing messages of diversity, hope, and self-acceptance to those who have been pushed to the margins. She is the host of the Unashamed Love Collective – a safe haven for LGBTQ+ people and allies that fosters supportive community. She also leads Cultivating Community Retreats—small, intimate group gatherings that build lasting relationships with like-minded people.
To partner with Amber in the continuation of her work, visit Patreon.com/AmberCantornaWylde.
Follow her on social media at @AmberCantornaWylde and learn more about her work at AmberCantornaWylde.com.
To partner with Amber in the continuation of her work, visit Patreon.com/AmberCantornaWylde.
Follow her on social media at @AmberCantornaWylde and learn more about her work at AmberCantornaWylde.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews
October 17, 2023
This was a book I read around November of 2019. At that time I had only come out to about 7 or 8 people so I did not track this book on GoodReads at that time! Since then I have come out to everyone so now I can add this to my official Goodreads list!
I remember as I was reading this thinking, "crap, I've done that, and I've done that, and I'm already in that place so I'm really going to have to come out to my people..."
Anyway, I do highly recommend this book to those who need it...
I remember as I was reading this thinking, "crap, I've done that, and I've done that, and I'm already in that place so I'm really going to have to come out to my people..."
Anyway, I do highly recommend this book to those who need it...
March 12, 2019
While not a member of the LGBTQ community (but proud ally!), Amber Cantorna’s story resonates deeply with me. I know what it feels like to be rejected by your family simply for who you are as a person. So when I read her first book (Refocusing My Family) about coming out as lesbian and being completely rejected by her Focus on the Family family, I just could not believe the amount of bravery it must have taken her to be true and authentic and to live as her real self. I can’t think of a worse place to be gay in America than in the Focus on the Family culture. Truly. Which is why I’m wanting to share her next book, Unashamed: A coming-out guide for LGBTQ Christians. I wish this book didn’t need to exist. I wish Cantorna didn’t have to warn readers to consider their personal safety when they decide to come out to their friends and family. I wish we could all celebrate each other in all the different ways we’ve been made. But unfortunately that’s not the world we live in. So I thought I’d share in case any of you need something to help light the way. It includes advice for parents and allies as well, which I found useful. #UnashamedLGBTQ
January 18, 2023
Right off the bat, it’s important to point out (and the author would strongly agree with this, I suspect) that Amber Cantorna has no interest in helping LGBTQ people live as Christians, if by Christian you mean anything along the lines of belief in exclusivism, inerrancy, sin, the authority of Scripture, heaven & hell, original sin, or the gospel as defined by historic protestantism. To her, all that stuff needs to go anyway, and as such a faithful lgbtq Christian will need to embrace a completely different kind of Christianity. Because of that, I question how useful this book will be even for someone who completely disagrees with me on the morality of homosexual sex. My guess would be that the families of the intended audience would be gutted if their Christian child threw a whole bunch of their theology out, even if they continued to be, say, married to someone of the opposite sex. This book is yet another example of the fact that this issue is really just the tip of the iceberg, and that the more fundamental questions around authority are where the conversation always must go.
Also worthy of note is that Cantorna simply assumes she has the truth on the matter and works from there. The premise/conclusion that engaging in an lgbtq lifestyle is glorious (not to mention moral) is presupposed throughout the entirety of the book. I do sort of get it: to some extent, any author has to make assumptions in order to add anything to the conversation or say something new. But from the perspective of someone who holds the traditional view on this issue, the book reeked of circularity. I was crying out for her to say something that convinces me that I am off on the issue. My pleas were ignored. The question, “but what if you’re wrong?” is never entertained by the author. She just isn't.
I’d also point out that a lot of the book is talking to people who grew up in a similar way to the author (ie. evangelical homes) and how to deal with your stupid unenlightened family who just don’t get it. Fair enough. At the same time, I would urge readers to keep in mind that many people come to embrace what the author would call “conservative Christianity” as adults, and plenty of them are same-sex attracted. This book gives the impression that “conservative Christianity” is this dying boomer religion and once your homophobic uncle who says mean things at Christmas is gone, “conservative Christianity” will go with him, and that is simply false. We’re alive and well.
Another thing that stuck out to me was the book's take and discussion of terminology. Woke jargon abounds throughout: “erasure,” “inclusive,” “privilege,” “your truth,” “authentic self,” “victim,” “oppressive,” “triggered,” and the word “trauma” being used far too generously. All of this is terminology that will be rejected if you think critical theory is barking up the wrong tree, which I assume will be the families of the intended audience. So how helpful will these words be in conversations in the real world? At the same time, the author instructs readers to tell their family and friends what words and sentences they should not use when discussing this issue. This is fine as far as it goes (I don’t think people should use the word f**, for example), but it gets to the point where the phrases that are ruled out are literally just expressions of the biblical perspective on this issue. This section reminded me of Orwell a lot, where in 1984 the party begins to delete words that could be used to express disagreement with them.
Lastly, because the book doesn’t critically examine its own assumptions, it is riddled with contradictions and double standards. Here are a few of them:
1. If people have an issue with you and your lifestyle and don’t want to maintain exactly the same kind of friendship , they are “ghosting” you. This is nefarious and not accepting or welcoming or inclusive. But if you have a problem with things they say or believe about this issue, then by all means, cut them right out of your life. This is virtuous and they don’t deserve you.
2. “Conservative” Christians (meaning people who hold the historic view on this topic agreed upon by all branches of Christianity until a week ago) are too dogmatic and certain and this is problematic. But the author is certain that these people “misinterpret Scripture,” believe “the lie,” have “bad theology” that is “absolutely untrue” and “harmful.” But this certainty is good, obviously. Keep up champ.
3. “Conservative” Christians are trying to get you to not follow your heart/authentic true self and instead get you take theology into account which is obviously bad. Instead, listen to your heart/authentic self. It will guide you as to what you’re meant to do. Also read Evans, Rohr, Bell etc because they’re great. This is different than when the “conservatives” get you to read their stuff because reasons.*
4. Your authentic self is always right so be true to it. But also you have internalised homophobia and unhealthy habits so let the author tell which things in your psyche are good and should be kept and which ones aren’t.
5. If people try to convince you that your theology on this is wrong, they definitely have bad intentions, are disingenuous, and also are ignorant fools who would know their theology is wrong if they had read Unclobber and Changing Our Minds. But if you try to change their minds, you’re a hero who is “thinking critically.” Also you definitely don’t need to read any of the works from the traditional perspective and engage their arguments just to make sure you’re not overlooking things. They are wrong so why would you have anything to learn from them?
6. “Conservative” Christians read the Bible too literally and so that explains why they land where they do. Also, it’s fine for the author to emphatically quote out of context sections from Isaiah and Romans (which talks about this issue in the first chapter) and take them very literally.
*On this point, it literally begins to sound like satire. It reminded me of Lewis' Uncle Screwtape. Here are a couple of examples from the book:
“Part of the challenge we face as Christians as that we’ve been taught to not trust our feelings. We’ve suppressed that inner voice that speaks to our spirit, dismissed it, and labelled it as our sinful nature, when in reality we are actually suppressing the voice of God. We are diminishing the very vessel that God uses to speak to our souls, the Holy Spirit. We’ve come to trust the conservative church more than we trust that inner voice. Let me tell you, that as a beloved child of God, you don’t need pastors or church leaders to hear from God on your behalf. You have full access to hear from God yourself. Pay attention and listen to that still small voice. Give yourself permission to trust it. Yes, glean wisdom from people ahead of you in the journey. And read information from trusted biblical scholars.”
“…we need to reject the spoon-fed theology of our youth that forbids us from questioning, and begin to look at the Scripture for ourselves with fresh eyes. …[We] need to come to a new understanding of God and change the framework we use to view and understand the Bible. To do that we need to understand the culture, history, and time in which the Bible was written, to see what the passages that seem to reference same sex relationships actually mean. Thankfully, some wonderful Biblical scholars and theologians have done this research in recent years. I recommend Changing our Mind by David Gushee and Unclobber by Colby Martin. As some of the most accessible resources out there on the subject, they offer a starting place for this conversation. If you have already read those and want an academic approach, you can visit my website ambercantorna.com for additional resources. Wherever you are on your theological journey, that’s where you start. Pick up a book and begin to read with an open mind. There are plenty of resources available to you. But you will never be able to fully accept yourself if deep down you still believe that God hates you and is sending you to hell for all eternity. Do the work needed to reform your theology. You won’t regret it. Going on this journey may require that you distance yourself for a while from your evangelical church or conservative family and friends. You already have so much going on in your mind that you don’t need additional voices to complicate your process further. Sometimes creating space to silence those condemning voices ends up being the very thing that sets us free. Ultimately you need to separate what you learn of God personally from what people tell you or do to you in the name of God. The difference between the two isn’t always easy to decipher if you have a myriad of voices trying to talk to you on God’s behalf. Quiet those voices. Glean from the wisdom of more progressive biblical scholars.”
Mimesis>poiesis
Also worthy of note is that Cantorna simply assumes she has the truth on the matter and works from there. The premise/conclusion that engaging in an lgbtq lifestyle is glorious (not to mention moral) is presupposed throughout the entirety of the book. I do sort of get it: to some extent, any author has to make assumptions in order to add anything to the conversation or say something new. But from the perspective of someone who holds the traditional view on this issue, the book reeked of circularity. I was crying out for her to say something that convinces me that I am off on the issue. My pleas were ignored. The question, “but what if you’re wrong?” is never entertained by the author. She just isn't.
I’d also point out that a lot of the book is talking to people who grew up in a similar way to the author (ie. evangelical homes) and how to deal with your stupid unenlightened family who just don’t get it. Fair enough. At the same time, I would urge readers to keep in mind that many people come to embrace what the author would call “conservative Christianity” as adults, and plenty of them are same-sex attracted. This book gives the impression that “conservative Christianity” is this dying boomer religion and once your homophobic uncle who says mean things at Christmas is gone, “conservative Christianity” will go with him, and that is simply false. We’re alive and well.
Another thing that stuck out to me was the book's take and discussion of terminology. Woke jargon abounds throughout: “erasure,” “inclusive,” “privilege,” “your truth,” “authentic self,” “victim,” “oppressive,” “triggered,” and the word “trauma” being used far too generously. All of this is terminology that will be rejected if you think critical theory is barking up the wrong tree, which I assume will be the families of the intended audience. So how helpful will these words be in conversations in the real world? At the same time, the author instructs readers to tell their family and friends what words and sentences they should not use when discussing this issue. This is fine as far as it goes (I don’t think people should use the word f**, for example), but it gets to the point where the phrases that are ruled out are literally just expressions of the biblical perspective on this issue. This section reminded me of Orwell a lot, where in 1984 the party begins to delete words that could be used to express disagreement with them.
Lastly, because the book doesn’t critically examine its own assumptions, it is riddled with contradictions and double standards. Here are a few of them:
1. If people have an issue with you and your lifestyle and don’t want to maintain exactly the same kind of friendship , they are “ghosting” you. This is nefarious and not accepting or welcoming or inclusive. But if you have a problem with things they say or believe about this issue, then by all means, cut them right out of your life. This is virtuous and they don’t deserve you.
2. “Conservative” Christians (meaning people who hold the historic view on this topic agreed upon by all branches of Christianity until a week ago) are too dogmatic and certain and this is problematic. But the author is certain that these people “misinterpret Scripture,” believe “the lie,” have “bad theology” that is “absolutely untrue” and “harmful.” But this certainty is good, obviously. Keep up champ.
3. “Conservative” Christians are trying to get you to not follow your heart/authentic true self and instead get you take theology into account which is obviously bad. Instead, listen to your heart/authentic self. It will guide you as to what you’re meant to do. Also read Evans, Rohr, Bell etc because they’re great. This is different than when the “conservatives” get you to read their stuff because reasons.*
4. Your authentic self is always right so be true to it. But also you have internalised homophobia and unhealthy habits so let the author tell which things in your psyche are good and should be kept and which ones aren’t.
5. If people try to convince you that your theology on this is wrong, they definitely have bad intentions, are disingenuous, and also are ignorant fools who would know their theology is wrong if they had read Unclobber and Changing Our Minds. But if you try to change their minds, you’re a hero who is “thinking critically.” Also you definitely don’t need to read any of the works from the traditional perspective and engage their arguments just to make sure you’re not overlooking things. They are wrong so why would you have anything to learn from them?
6. “Conservative” Christians read the Bible too literally and so that explains why they land where they do. Also, it’s fine for the author to emphatically quote out of context sections from Isaiah and Romans (which talks about this issue in the first chapter) and take them very literally.
*On this point, it literally begins to sound like satire. It reminded me of Lewis' Uncle Screwtape. Here are a couple of examples from the book:
“Part of the challenge we face as Christians as that we’ve been taught to not trust our feelings. We’ve suppressed that inner voice that speaks to our spirit, dismissed it, and labelled it as our sinful nature, when in reality we are actually suppressing the voice of God. We are diminishing the very vessel that God uses to speak to our souls, the Holy Spirit. We’ve come to trust the conservative church more than we trust that inner voice. Let me tell you, that as a beloved child of God, you don’t need pastors or church leaders to hear from God on your behalf. You have full access to hear from God yourself. Pay attention and listen to that still small voice. Give yourself permission to trust it. Yes, glean wisdom from people ahead of you in the journey. And read information from trusted biblical scholars.”
“…we need to reject the spoon-fed theology of our youth that forbids us from questioning, and begin to look at the Scripture for ourselves with fresh eyes. …[We] need to come to a new understanding of God and change the framework we use to view and understand the Bible. To do that we need to understand the culture, history, and time in which the Bible was written, to see what the passages that seem to reference same sex relationships actually mean. Thankfully, some wonderful Biblical scholars and theologians have done this research in recent years. I recommend Changing our Mind by David Gushee and Unclobber by Colby Martin. As some of the most accessible resources out there on the subject, they offer a starting place for this conversation. If you have already read those and want an academic approach, you can visit my website ambercantorna.com for additional resources. Wherever you are on your theological journey, that’s where you start. Pick up a book and begin to read with an open mind. There are plenty of resources available to you. But you will never be able to fully accept yourself if deep down you still believe that God hates you and is sending you to hell for all eternity. Do the work needed to reform your theology. You won’t regret it. Going on this journey may require that you distance yourself for a while from your evangelical church or conservative family and friends. You already have so much going on in your mind that you don’t need additional voices to complicate your process further. Sometimes creating space to silence those condemning voices ends up being the very thing that sets us free. Ultimately you need to separate what you learn of God personally from what people tell you or do to you in the name of God. The difference between the two isn’t always easy to decipher if you have a myriad of voices trying to talk to you on God’s behalf. Quiet those voices. Glean from the wisdom of more progressive biblical scholars.”
Mimesis>poiesis
March 27, 2019
If you're at the beginning of your "coming out" journey as a Christian, this book is definitely for you. If you're hoping to gain theological knowledge and references, this book is NOT for you. But, with that said, I think this book is a must read as it skims the surface on both subject matters.
Even though the author is not an educated expert in the field, she writes with the authority of personal experiences. Sometimes, I think, that is the best kind.
I gained a lot of valuable insight, directions, and suggestions from reading this book. The author discusses many different topics utilizing lists with guidelines and steps. I think they are all useful and realistic.
Because this book was just recently published, the author does a great job of introducing and explaining correct terminology when referring to LGBTQ Christians. In addition, she discusses the influence of modern technology and how this affects the "coming out" process.
She addresses a lot of the bias held in our society and its damaging effects.
This book was easy to read and understand and is well suited for teenagers and adults.
As a middle-aged Christian person who is still trying to figure out who I am and where my place in the world exists, I found this book both very meaningful and helpful.
Even though the author is not an educated expert in the field, she writes with the authority of personal experiences. Sometimes, I think, that is the best kind.
I gained a lot of valuable insight, directions, and suggestions from reading this book. The author discusses many different topics utilizing lists with guidelines and steps. I think they are all useful and realistic.
Because this book was just recently published, the author does a great job of introducing and explaining correct terminology when referring to LGBTQ Christians. In addition, she discusses the influence of modern technology and how this affects the "coming out" process.
She addresses a lot of the bias held in our society and its damaging effects.
This book was easy to read and understand and is well suited for teenagers and adults.
As a middle-aged Christian person who is still trying to figure out who I am and where my place in the world exists, I found this book both very meaningful and helpful.
July 9, 2019
An important read- also for church leaders, parents, and allies!
March 12, 2019
Two years after releasing her first book, "Refocusing My Family: Coming Out, Being Cast Out, and Discovering the True Love of God," Amber is back with an incredible follow-up. In her first book, Amber established herself as an engaging storyteller, and my fear going into this book was that it was going to lose that touch and become another textbook full of facts and arguments, but without the same heart.
I shouldn't have been concerned. From the opening pages of her latest book, Amber weaves together personal stories and narratives that are engaging and thought-provoking, helping not only the Christian coming to terms with their own identity as an LGBTQ+ individual, but those around them who are struggling to accept, understand, and love their LGBTQ+ neighbors. Combined with Biblical references and plenty of places to turn for help, this is a must-have resource for anyone wanting to learn more about how to love more fully.
I shouldn't have been concerned. From the opening pages of her latest book, Amber weaves together personal stories and narratives that are engaging and thought-provoking, helping not only the Christian coming to terms with their own identity as an LGBTQ+ individual, but those around them who are struggling to accept, understand, and love their LGBTQ+ neighbors. Combined with Biblical references and plenty of places to turn for help, this is a must-have resource for anyone wanting to learn more about how to love more fully.
March 12, 2019
Such an amazingly & beautifully written addition to my growing collection of LGBTQ resources. Written in a down to earth & heartfelt manner, this step by step guide has delivered far more than I even anticipated. From true life, even heart wrenching stories, to step by step advice, this is a book you must add to your home & church library. No matter where you are on your personal coming out journey, or in your support & acceptance of a loved one, this book will speak to you. Amber shares her heart, even more of her personal story than in her previous book, & gives us a peek into her lovely wife Clara’s journey as well. There is such a need for a practical guide such as this one, so that LGBTQ Christians can prepare to speak their “truth with boldness and without shame”. I encourage you to not only purchase this book, but underline, highlight, & think of others who need the gift of its words as well. Prepare to be blessed!
May 15, 2019
I'm not aware of any other book like this, and I absolutely recommend it to any LGBTQ Christian. Author Amber Cantorna plays the part of big sister, faith guide, and encourager in chief- and does it very well.
A large part of this book involves making peace with God and the Bible as an LGBTQ Christian. Those who are uninterested and unaffected by religion may not find this book as helpful. The remaining part is a step by step guide through the process of coming out- how to know if you're ready, when and how to come out, how to deal with the fall-out. Peppered throughout are stories from Cantorna's own experience as well as many other LGBTQ Christians (she surveyed over 1500 for the book). Though the book is clearly targeted toward the LGBTQ community, each chapter concludes with a short section for Parents and Allies.
Definitely recommend.
I received an ARC of this book in exchange for my honest opinion, which I am always happy to give. :) #Unashamed #NetGalley
A large part of this book involves making peace with God and the Bible as an LGBTQ Christian. Those who are uninterested and unaffected by religion may not find this book as helpful. The remaining part is a step by step guide through the process of coming out- how to know if you're ready, when and how to come out, how to deal with the fall-out. Peppered throughout are stories from Cantorna's own experience as well as many other LGBTQ Christians (she surveyed over 1500 for the book). Though the book is clearly targeted toward the LGBTQ community, each chapter concludes with a short section for Parents and Allies.
Definitely recommend.
I received an ARC of this book in exchange for my honest opinion, which I am always happy to give. :) #Unashamed #NetGalley
March 12, 2019
When Amber's first book, Refocusing My Family, came out, I devoured every word. When it was announced that she would be writing another book, I was ecstatic.
As a Christian who identifies as a non-binary lesbian, books like Amber's are essential to me. Words can't quite describe the importance of having resources such as these books in my life.
I had high expectations for this book, and no part of it disappointed me. Amber has crafted a truly useful tool that can be utilized by both Christian members of the LGBTQ community and their friends/families alike.
While I have been out for a couple years now, I still found this book to be extremely informative, because, as Amber says in the book, coming out is an ongoing process. I'm going to be taking the tools she discusses in this book and put them in my arsenal for the future.
As a Christian who identifies as a non-binary lesbian, books like Amber's are essential to me. Words can't quite describe the importance of having resources such as these books in my life.
I had high expectations for this book, and no part of it disappointed me. Amber has crafted a truly useful tool that can be utilized by both Christian members of the LGBTQ community and their friends/families alike.
While I have been out for a couple years now, I still found this book to be extremely informative, because, as Amber says in the book, coming out is an ongoing process. I'm going to be taking the tools she discusses in this book and put them in my arsenal for the future.
March 12, 2019
This book is a valuable tool for those navigating the emotional roller-coaster of coming out as a Christian. It empowers individuals to have confidence and faith in God and themselves as they learn to live authentically.
Amber has laid out a "map" that if followed, even loosely, will enable the reader to have a greater support system in place before having to explore the coming out process on their own. This is so important for good mental health. We are never alone, we just have to find our tribe.
Amber also includes a section in each chapter for parents and allies that provides a realistic perspective of how they can best support LGBTQ+ individuals. And the book as a whole will open the eyes and hearts of the parent/allies to the overwhelming challenges faced by LGBTQ+ Christians.
Amber has laid out a "map" that if followed, even loosely, will enable the reader to have a greater support system in place before having to explore the coming out process on their own. This is so important for good mental health. We are never alone, we just have to find our tribe.
Amber also includes a section in each chapter for parents and allies that provides a realistic perspective of how they can best support LGBTQ+ individuals. And the book as a whole will open the eyes and hearts of the parent/allies to the overwhelming challenges faced by LGBTQ+ Christians.
August 28, 2019
This should be standard reading for anyone who identifies as a queer Christian.
April 15, 2019
This book was what I needed to help me better understand how I can help my friends in my circle that are of the LGBTQ community. It was very helpful in understanding how sometimes they can feel. It helped with understanding how sometimes simple gestures to help make sure they are okay.
I wanted more for the parent or allies, just a little bit more.
I enjoyed this book and I’m going to recommend it to others. I really want to introduce more to my Bible Study class so that we can be a safe place.
I received this book from Netgalley and the publishers. I want to thank them both for allowing me to read this book.
I wanted more for the parent or allies, just a little bit more.
I enjoyed this book and I’m going to recommend it to others. I really want to introduce more to my Bible Study class so that we can be a safe place.
I received this book from Netgalley and the publishers. I want to thank them both for allowing me to read this book.
April 13, 2019
I'm not really the right person to write a review: I'm not gay, I'm evangelical (ish), I do not believe that scripture affirms same-sex relationships and I believe in the authority and reliability of scripture, and my experience is just so other than the author and intended reader of this book. For the intended reader, this book may feel as though it has some value, but I tend to believe that it will not serve you well. This book does not at all advocate for any sympathy for the non affirming parents, friends, or relatives of the person coming out (it does advocate praying for them). The assumption of the book seems to be that such people should "affirm me or shut up." There isn't room for dialogue or discussion. In fact some of the boundaries set will precede any discussion at all. I am trying not to make these critiques as a partisan on the issue, but from the perspective of someone who would hope for a loving continued relationship between people who disagree on important issues. The author is estranged from her parents. This makes me sad. But, if I were Gay and decided to live it, I would really hope to somehow keep the relationships alive that had meant a lot to me. Listening to this book's advice would break those relationships.
May 14, 2019
"With God there is no 'but' after 'I love you.'"
Wow. I wish this book had existed when I was a teenager and was stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of denial and bargaining when it came to my sexual orientation. I did so much, as Cantorna puts it, "wrestling in isolation." Even now, after having been out for 3 years, I still struggle to reconcile my faith with my identity. But this book is like a roadmap. It is affirming, uplifting, and inspiring. The section at the end of each chapter for parents of LGBTQ children was a nice addition as well.
The Catholic church as a whole has a (very, very) long way to go to reach true acceptance and inclusion of all people. And I highly doubt that I'll see any major change in my lifetime. But this book inspired me to keep fighting. To keep speaking out against oppression. To be Catholic and queer and entirely myself (even when a visiting priest calls me an agent of Satan...but that's a whole other story.) I'm reminded of one of my favorite hymns, You Are Mine: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have called you, and you are mine."
(Thanks to the publisher for my copy of this book, which I received through GR giveaways.)
Wow. I wish this book had existed when I was a teenager and was stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of denial and bargaining when it came to my sexual orientation. I did so much, as Cantorna puts it, "wrestling in isolation." Even now, after having been out for 3 years, I still struggle to reconcile my faith with my identity. But this book is like a roadmap. It is affirming, uplifting, and inspiring. The section at the end of each chapter for parents of LGBTQ children was a nice addition as well.
The Catholic church as a whole has a (very, very) long way to go to reach true acceptance and inclusion of all people. And I highly doubt that I'll see any major change in my lifetime. But this book inspired me to keep fighting. To keep speaking out against oppression. To be Catholic and queer and entirely myself (even when a visiting priest calls me an agent of Satan...but that's a whole other story.) I'm reminded of one of my favorite hymns, You Are Mine: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have called you, and you are mine."
(Thanks to the publisher for my copy of this book, which I received through GR giveaways.)
October 24, 2019
I began reading this book in order to try and understand the author's view. This is the first coming-out guide I have read since I don't identify as gay; however, it didn't seem much different than any other guide one might read. The fact that it is aimed at Christians led me to believe the author would back her position scripture, yet she rarely cites any. It breaks my heart that both extremes in the church do the LGBTQ community a great disservice, one through failing to build relationships, the other by compromising the truth. The author espouses love, but creates a false sense of security in offering an altered version of the gospel. We are all broken and that is why we need Jesus.(Romans 3:23) By changing the gospel to say what feels good, the author puts the eternity of her readers in jeopardy. (1 Timothy 1)
February 19, 2019
Amber gave me the opportunity to read an advance copy of Unashamed as she wanted my honest opinion as a member of clergy and a Licensed Professional Counselor. I was moved by the stories of individuals who have struggled with how to come out to family members who are Christian. I have heard so many narratives about fear and rejection. Amber helps the reader to understand the need for love and acceptance by family and how we all play a part in creating a world where God's love can overcome the fear a parent may have for their child.
We all want to be loved by those who raised and nurtured us. Amber provides sound advice on how to come out. She also walks with family members through the tough questions they have and assures parents love will overcome.
We all want to be loved by those who raised and nurtured us. Amber provides sound advice on how to come out. She also walks with family members through the tough questions they have and assures parents love will overcome.
February 24, 2019
I loved this book and cannot thank the author enough for writing it. Though I am now part of an open and affirming congregation, I still experience the after effects of being told I couldn't be both Christian and lesbian. I wish I would have had a book like this 20 years ago, and I am thankful that it exists for today's generation. I found myself highlighting so much of this book. I appreciate the quotes and the Bible verses that offer hope and encouragement, and I appreciate that each section ends with "for the parents/allies." I will be looking into the back of amount of resources that are included as well.
Thank you to Net Galley and the publisher for providing a copy of this book in exchange for my honest opinion.
Thank you to Net Galley and the publisher for providing a copy of this book in exchange for my honest opinion.
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December 30, 2019This was a great book which I think accomplished what it set out to do; which is provide guidance on how best to come out for Christian LGBTQ+ individuals.
Contrary to what the masses spew all over the place, I think Christianity was borne out of love and what better way to show love than to accept everyone regardless of their sexual orientation? This was a good show of that.
And really, LOVE IS LOVE IS LOOOOVE!
Contrary to what the masses spew all over the place, I think Christianity was borne out of love and what better way to show love than to accept everyone regardless of their sexual orientation? This was a good show of that.
And really, LOVE IS LOVE IS LOOOOVE!
January 10, 2021
I did have some problems with this book, but because it is a much needed book and the only one of its kind that I am aware of, I am giving it five stars. Amber Cantorna speaks from her experience as an out and proud gay Christian raised in a very conservative anti-LGBTQ religious environment. She also speaks from her experience as a speaker, writer, and advocate for LGBTQ affirmation within Christian communities. This book is a very helpful guide for LGBTQ Christians trying to navigate the complexities of the coming out experience.
There are some things I loved about this book. To begin with, I love how Cantorna emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance. I also love that she emphasizes the importance of creating healthy boundaries, especially when working out relationships with friends and family who do not accept our sexualities or gender identities. Furthermore, I really appreciate her covering a wide range of life situations which closeted LGBTQ folks may find themselves in and offering helpful coming out advice for those various situations. Lastly, I admire her honesty about how painful and difficult it can be to deal with unaccepting family and friends, especially when they make statements that express conditional love.
However, there were a few issues I had with this book. First, I did not like that Cantorna chose to use homophobia as a catch all term for both homophobia and transphobia. That felt a bit like erasure to me, especially considering how transgender people often face more rejection and oppression than other LGBTQ folks. Secondly, I really did not like that Amber recommended to not use the word Queer when coming out. I understand her concerns because of the way that word has been used as a slur in the past (and still on occasion even today), but that term is also the preferred identity of many people and we should all respect that fact. Some people feel more comfortable with the term Queer than they do with any other sexual or gender identity. If the people we are speaking to are confused or offended by the term Queer, they can always ask questions for clarification. Thirdly, on the chapter about needing one another I appreciate Cantorna pointing out the helpfulness of being in an affirming Christian community, but I wish she had added more information about secular resources as well. For starters, many people have a hard time finding an affirming Christian community that works for them. Furthermore, in my experience it has been very educational and encouraging to be involved in the larger LGBTQ community and not just stay within my Christian bubble. Lastly, I was not a fan of the short paragraphs at the end of each chapter written for parents and allys. I admire Cantorna's desire to reach out to such people, but the short messages didn't seem to offer more than what the average parent or ally probably already knows. I think it would have been nice to either extend those passages or possibly even better to just do away with them and keep the focus on LGBTQ Christians and our experiences (since that will be the vast majority of people who will read the book anyways).
To conclude, I really appreciate all of Cantorna's work, and I'm so happy she wrote this important and necessary book. While the book has some flaws and I do not agree with all of her opinions, I do think it will help many LBGTQ Christians who are searching for guidance and solidarity in their coming out processes.
There are some things I loved about this book. To begin with, I love how Cantorna emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance. I also love that she emphasizes the importance of creating healthy boundaries, especially when working out relationships with friends and family who do not accept our sexualities or gender identities. Furthermore, I really appreciate her covering a wide range of life situations which closeted LGBTQ folks may find themselves in and offering helpful coming out advice for those various situations. Lastly, I admire her honesty about how painful and difficult it can be to deal with unaccepting family and friends, especially when they make statements that express conditional love.
However, there were a few issues I had with this book. First, I did not like that Cantorna chose to use homophobia as a catch all term for both homophobia and transphobia. That felt a bit like erasure to me, especially considering how transgender people often face more rejection and oppression than other LGBTQ folks. Secondly, I really did not like that Amber recommended to not use the word Queer when coming out. I understand her concerns because of the way that word has been used as a slur in the past (and still on occasion even today), but that term is also the preferred identity of many people and we should all respect that fact. Some people feel more comfortable with the term Queer than they do with any other sexual or gender identity. If the people we are speaking to are confused or offended by the term Queer, they can always ask questions for clarification. Thirdly, on the chapter about needing one another I appreciate Cantorna pointing out the helpfulness of being in an affirming Christian community, but I wish she had added more information about secular resources as well. For starters, many people have a hard time finding an affirming Christian community that works for them. Furthermore, in my experience it has been very educational and encouraging to be involved in the larger LGBTQ community and not just stay within my Christian bubble. Lastly, I was not a fan of the short paragraphs at the end of each chapter written for parents and allys. I admire Cantorna's desire to reach out to such people, but the short messages didn't seem to offer more than what the average parent or ally probably already knows. I think it would have been nice to either extend those passages or possibly even better to just do away with them and keep the focus on LGBTQ Christians and our experiences (since that will be the vast majority of people who will read the book anyways).
To conclude, I really appreciate all of Cantorna's work, and I'm so happy she wrote this important and necessary book. While the book has some flaws and I do not agree with all of her opinions, I do think it will help many LBGTQ Christians who are searching for guidance and solidarity in their coming out processes.
July 18, 2019
I'm not quite sure where to place this book on my collection of Christian LGBT+ books. It's not a Bible study, doesn't deal with the "clobber verses" and although is very autobiographical it is not a memoir. I honestly found myself frustrated. It's promoted as a book about coming out and conservative Christianity. I was beginning to count how many times the author referenced her own blog or recommended the reader to read other author's books. I couldn't understand why she couldn't include her other writing into this book. I think the author's personal journey and loving marriage are very encouraging. Her honesty about her family's reactions and her alienation from them is an uncomfortable reality for many in the community. There will be people, places and churches that will be neither welcoming nor affirming. So there is value in facing that and seeing how others come to decisions pertaining imperfect choices of quiet desperation, pretenses or separation from our family of origin. Quite honestly, that would be the person I recommend this book to - one facing these agonizing choices. The author has navigated these troubled waters and helps to clarify the options for the reader. I believe this author has found peace in being Unashamed.
. #NetGalley #Unashamed
. #NetGalley #Unashamed
December 13, 2020
Cantorna speaks from her own experience, so this book has power and authority. The book is aimed at those who struggle in coming out, and being open and honest about their LGBTQ reality. Part of that struggle is often connected to the judgment and hatred pointed toward LGBTQ people by Evangelical Christians. Cantorna knows; her father was a leader in Focus On the Family. Cantorna lovingly and gently leads the reader through the coming out process - the preparation, the process, and the follow up support.
The book also offers guidance at the end of each chapter for parents, family, and friends of LGBTQ people who seek to be supportive in their coming out process.
Ultimately, the book concludes with an item of upmost importance - a scriptural affirmation that God love and accepts LGBTQ people just as they are. God sees us as normal, as beautiful, and gifted just as we are.
Coming out is not easy. It will be a journey filled with pain, and set backs, and difficult decisions. Yet the journey will be incredibly rewarding, and will help restore full healthy and well-being. An incredibly important book for anyone who is struggling with how to be open and honest about who they are and who God created them to be.
The book also offers guidance at the end of each chapter for parents, family, and friends of LGBTQ people who seek to be supportive in their coming out process.
Ultimately, the book concludes with an item of upmost importance - a scriptural affirmation that God love and accepts LGBTQ people just as they are. God sees us as normal, as beautiful, and gifted just as we are.
Coming out is not easy. It will be a journey filled with pain, and set backs, and difficult decisions. Yet the journey will be incredibly rewarding, and will help restore full healthy and well-being. An incredibly important book for anyone who is struggling with how to be open and honest about who they are and who God created them to be.
May 4, 2021
I read this book before buying it for the teen girls in my book club. They have questions that I don't have answers to and I'm trying to find some good reference material, while making sure it won't be triggering for them, to help navigate their lives as they become more confident and own their identities.
I couldn't imagine a better author to represent this guide than Amber Cantorna, a daughter of a Focus on the Family exec. She definitely knows her stuff and handled this topic exquisitely. This covered so much more than simply "coming-out". It was such a comprehensive guide that looks out for the readers mind, body, and soul. She helped in understanding and confidence then making sure the reader is mentally and emotionally prepared by discussing possible outcomes and walking them through how to handle each.
I loved hearing about Amber's resilience as she very honestly shares her own coming-out story that sadly resulted in her being excommunicated from her family. The love she still has and the fight that the exclusion inspired is powerful.
I couldn't imagine a better author to represent this guide than Amber Cantorna, a daughter of a Focus on the Family exec. She definitely knows her stuff and handled this topic exquisitely. This covered so much more than simply "coming-out". It was such a comprehensive guide that looks out for the readers mind, body, and soul. She helped in understanding and confidence then making sure the reader is mentally and emotionally prepared by discussing possible outcomes and walking them through how to handle each.
I loved hearing about Amber's resilience as she very honestly shares her own coming-out story that sadly resulted in her being excommunicated from her family. The love she still has and the fight that the exclusion inspired is powerful.
September 11, 2023
Very well intentioned and pretty solid in its advice practically speaking. I appreciated that she includes advice for friends and family in every section as well. With that said, it is very much a self help book and uses highly therapeutic language that I'm not terribly comfortable with. It also doesn't touch on ways in which LGBT christians might not only struggle with differences between themselves and the church but between themselves and the queer community where there can understandably be a lot of hostility. It's a helpful primer for LGBT christians and their families in the process of acceptance. It is not a theological defence of affirming theology. With that said I think there is much that could be gained from plumbing the depths of the christian tradition for spiritual support and guidance in addition to the passing references helpfully made to scripture here.
March 12, 2019
This book will change lives.
The beauty of it lies in the simplicity and practicality of the advice and guidance offered in Amber’s writing. What she suggests is not groundbreaking, but for someone who doesn’t know what to do, who doesn’t have anyone to ask advice from, it will help to guide them through one of the most difficult series of actions they could ever undertake. As someone who is not fully out, this book has helped me as I prepare my own next steps.
While this book is geared towards a specific audience, I believe it would be beneficial for non-LGBTQ+ people to read this, especially affirming Christians, as it shows what LGBTQ+ people from conservative Christian families are going through or have gone through.
The beauty of it lies in the simplicity and practicality of the advice and guidance offered in Amber’s writing. What she suggests is not groundbreaking, but for someone who doesn’t know what to do, who doesn’t have anyone to ask advice from, it will help to guide them through one of the most difficult series of actions they could ever undertake. As someone who is not fully out, this book has helped me as I prepare my own next steps.
While this book is geared towards a specific audience, I believe it would be beneficial for non-LGBTQ+ people to read this, especially affirming Christians, as it shows what LGBTQ+ people from conservative Christian families are going through or have gone through.
March 12, 2019
This book is filling a gaping hole in the resources available to lgbtq people. About a year ago, in Barnes and Noble, the only "coming out guide" I could find was published in 1980. It also was lacking a faith component. Amber's book is a much needed answer to prayers, providing support on my journey that I so desperately needed. Lastly, I want to point out that at the end of each chapter, Amber included tips for family, friends, and allies. This was a thoughtful and brilliant addition to each chapter!
I have already, and will continue to recommend this book whenever I have the chance! Amber's book is a gift to our community.
I have already, and will continue to recommend this book whenever I have the chance! Amber's book is a gift to our community.
March 12, 2019
This book is a “treasure trove” of advice for the LGBTQ community and their allies. AS the daughter of a minister myself, I connected with Amber’s description of her strict religious upbringing, specifically, “hiding the mess” and “judging others who struggled”.
I found the chapter on boundaries to be very informative and her advice about debating (or not debating) scripture and inclusion was particularly helpful for me, as a parent, advocate and an ally.
Amber leaves “no stone unturned” in this wonderful book that provides valuable information for allies and fantastic tools for every member of the LGBTQ community to help them live fully, completely and unashamed.
I found the chapter on boundaries to be very informative and her advice about debating (or not debating) scripture and inclusion was particularly helpful for me, as a parent, advocate and an ally.
Amber leaves “no stone unturned” in this wonderful book that provides valuable information for allies and fantastic tools for every member of the LGBTQ community to help them live fully, completely and unashamed.
March 26, 2019
Amber Cantora offers a valuable perspective for LGBTQ Christians, their parents, and allies in her new book, "Unashamed."
Her writing is straightforward and compassionate. It showcases her immense talent as a author from the LGBTQ+ stance.
She takes a complex and complicated subject and turns it into a simple, easy-to-follow format. Allies and parents will appreciate the well thought-out notes at the end of each section that guides them in coaching and supporting their loved ones.
Amber weaves her way through hot-button family, friends, and religious issues; she points the way forward of how to live a fulfilling life in God's presence. She is a testament to dignity.
Her writing is straightforward and compassionate. It showcases her immense talent as a author from the LGBTQ+ stance.
She takes a complex and complicated subject and turns it into a simple, easy-to-follow format. Allies and parents will appreciate the well thought-out notes at the end of each section that guides them in coaching and supporting their loved ones.
Amber weaves her way through hot-button family, friends, and religious issues; she points the way forward of how to live a fulfilling life in God's presence. She is a testament to dignity.
January 28, 2020
This is an excellent introduction for gay, cisgender, white, Evangelical Christians. It's very simple and supportive. I also think this would be a good book for straight, cisgender, white Christians to read just to get a basic introduction to what gay, cisgender, white Christians are going through.
This book is very white - white people are the only people who talk about diversity as a desired quality for its own sake. And while it mentions a handful of transgender people, the focus is overwhelmingly on cisgender people. Even then, only same-sex relationships are discussed. Gender expression, the nature of queer friendships and support networks, Pride, etc. are barely touched upon.
This book is very white - white people are the only people who talk about diversity as a desired quality for its own sake. And while it mentions a handful of transgender people, the focus is overwhelmingly on cisgender people. Even then, only same-sex relationships are discussed. Gender expression, the nature of queer friendships and support networks, Pride, etc. are barely touched upon.
November 13, 2024
"Be you to the very fullest, knowing that the God who created you loves you exactly as you are."
I can't believe I finally finished it. It took a while, not because it's not interesting or needed (which it very much was). It sat on the metaphorical shelf for the better part of a year because it sent my emotions into turmoil.
As a practicing Presbyterian, my church has the excellent motto of "Don't say gay" and "Love them, but know it's a sin." This book helped to just further affirm that I am wonderfully created by my Heavenly Father, just the way I am. I'm not a mistake and that I'm worthy of love from friends, family, and most importantly, form God
I can't believe I finally finished it. It took a while, not because it's not interesting or needed (which it very much was). It sat on the metaphorical shelf for the better part of a year because it sent my emotions into turmoil.
As a practicing Presbyterian, my church has the excellent motto of "Don't say gay" and "Love them, but know it's a sin." This book helped to just further affirm that I am wonderfully created by my Heavenly Father, just the way I am. I'm not a mistake and that I'm worthy of love from friends, family, and most importantly, form God
February 19, 2019
"Diversity is such an important part of the family of God. We have no reason to fear or be intimidated by it. Rather, we should be inspired, in awe, and encouraged to celebrate the uniqueness that each of us brings to the family."
This is an important read for any LGBTQ Christian, and any Christian in general. The advice offered up within the pages encourages safety in all aspects, above all else. It's nice to see a piece of Christian literature where the self is valued, and not shoved aside as just a perceived vessel of ministry.
This is an important read for any LGBTQ Christian, and any Christian in general. The advice offered up within the pages encourages safety in all aspects, above all else. It's nice to see a piece of Christian literature where the self is valued, and not shoved aside as just a perceived vessel of ministry.
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