Stick Up for Yourself: Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem

by Gershen Kaufman, Pamela Espeland, Lev Raphael

First published in 1990, this perennial best-seller has helped countless children build self-esteem and assertiveness skills.

Newly revised and updated, it’s the ultimate resource for any kid who’s ever been picked on at school, bossed around, blamed for things he or she didn’t do, or treated unfairly—and for any kid who sometimes feels frustrated, angry, powerless, or scared. Simple words and real-life examples show how children can stick up for themselves with other kids (including bullies and teasers), big sisters and brothers, even grown-ups.

Kids learn how to build relationships, become responsible, manage their anger, grow a “feelings vocabulary,” make good choices, solve problems, set goals, and “store” happiness and pride. Questions from real kids are paired with answers about how to handle specific situations calmly, confidently, and effectively. A special note to parents and teachers explores the “self-esteem backlash” and explains what self-esteem really is—and why kids today need it more than ever.

A wealth of practical, encouraging, realistic advice, this empowering little book is also recommended for parents, teachers, and counselors.
Part of the Bully Free Kids™ line

Genres: Parenting, Self Help, Nonfiction, Childrens, Psychology, Self Esteem, Education

128 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1990

About the author

Gershen Kaufman was educated at Columbia University and received his PhD. in clinical psychology from the University of Rochester. Professor in the Counseling Center and Psychology Department at Michigan State University, he is the author of Shame: The Power of Caring (Rochester, Vermont: Schenkman Books, 1992) and The Psychology of Shame: Theory and Treatment of Shame-Based Syndromes (New York: Springer Publishing Co., 1996). He is the co-author, with Lev Raphael, of Dynamics of Power: Fighting Shame and Building Self-Esteem (Rochester, Vermont: Schenkman Books, 1991) and Coming Out of Shame (New York: Doubleday, 1996).

Reviews

[Bella · Rating 1 out of 5]

It’s hard to believe that a book, recently republished (2019), penned by two people who have attained the highest level of education currently attainable and their editors and publishing house could have been so callous as to overlook the fact that whenever an example of poor behaviour is shown, a person with an ethnic name is the culprit. I’m currently on p.79 and there have been multiple instances of an ethnic mother being unreasonable, an ethnic six grader being suggested might turn from a nice first impression into something less desirable, or an ethnic boy failing to stand up for mean and belittling treatment. These, inevitably, were followed by triumphant counter examples of people with Anglo-Saxon names who are in turn portrayed as assertive, intelligent, reasonable, and all around morally superior beings. I’m so angry as I recount this here that I wish this book fails to enter too many hands of children for whom it is marketed.

[Mary Mimouna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is basically an assertiveness training for elementary-school and middle-school children, written at a fourth-grade level. A good third-grade reader could read it alone. It's written in an attractive style which doesn't look overwhelming in text paragraphs to a student. There are plenty of short, useful bullet-point lists. Example problems which certain children are having are in many highlighted boxes (quarter-page to half-page in length) throughout the book. This would also make a great book for a teacher or parent to read with a child or a class in very small sections, followed by useful discussion.

The focus of the book is to show children how they can speak up for themselves. Sometimes this has to be done at a later time than when a situation occurs, and this book gives examples of how to do it, when to do it, and what a child can say. It aims to give children confidence to speak up and help themselves, and not just feel like they have to "take it," and that there is nothing they can do.

I am a teacher (and a parent) and I specifically purchased this book because I was looking for how to help a boy who is being physically bullied at school. I was disappointed that this book did not provide the help I was looking for. But to be fair to this book, I see that this was not part of the author's objective. If you are looking for help with a physical bullying situation, I did find some specific ideas for how to handle that in "Masterminds and Wingmen," by Rosalind Wiseman.

I would recommend this book for children who need to build confidence in speaking up for themselves, and learning how to speak up appropriately. This means it would be helpful to 80% of elementary-school children.

[Gala · Rating 4 out of 5]

Адресат книги - підліток, вона написана просто, але не простіше, ніж потрібно і, що важливо, з позиції поваги до читача. Автори розглядають поняття особитстої сили (самоповаги, відповідальності, самоконтролю), самоусвідомлення (в цьому розділі чудовий гід по почуттям, він і дорослим не завадив би) та впевненості в собі (тут мені сподобався паранраф про стосунки). На кожний параграф є питання та вправи для самоспостереження.
Книга значно корисніша та приємніша за різноманітні "енциклопедії для дівчаток/хлопчиків". Бо вміння варити картоплю і ремонтувати табуретку не завжди впивають на якість життя, а от відрізняти гнів від тривоги та підтримуючі стосунки від нездорових зазвичай стають у нагоді.

[L. Soper · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really helpful guide for teaching kids how to build up their self-esteem. I will be turning back to the tips in this book over and over again throughout the years, I'm sure. And I even learned a few valuable pieces of advice for myself!

[Kelley Lind · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is sooo good! I wish I had read a book like this in 4th grade. I read it as a mother of elementary kids, hoping to get ideas to help with bullying. But I found great ways of talking to my kids about their emotions, building up their self-esteem and unlocking their personal power! I would give this book 10 stars if I could!

[Pablo María Fernández · Rating 2 out of 5]

Compré este libro muy económico como una de los tantos recursos de los que me intento munir para darle herramientas a mis hijos. Menos de cien hojas, cortito y al pie apunta a ser una guía para ayudar a los niños a que adquieran poder personal y autoestima. Como la audiencia también pueden ser los mismos chicos está escrito en un tono, lenguaje y estructura sencillos y por momentos es más un mantra que contenido. Pero rescato que apunta a intentar conocerse, describe los ocho tipos básicos de sentimientos del Dr. Tomkins: de baja intensidad (atracción, satisfacción, sorpresa, aflicción, temor, enojo, vergüenza, desprecio) y de alta intensidad (emoción, alegría, sobresalto, angustia, terror, cólera, humillación, asco). Las siete necesidades que tenemos todos: relacionarnos con otras personas, tocar y ser tocado, pertenecer y sentirnos uno entre los demás, ser diferente y estar separados, nutrir, sentirnos considerados, valorados y admirados, tener poder en nuestras relaciones y nuestras vidas. Luego da consejos como tener una lista feliz en la que valoremos lo que tenemos. Psicología positiva pero sin llegar al new-age cringe.

Escrito hace treinta y dos y traducido al español e impreso hace treinta años, hoy probablemente se recurra a un blog para hallar esta información, pero no deja de ser de valor para estar preparados para ayudar a nuestros hijos (y a nosotros mismos, por qué no) en la construcción de su vida.

[Jessy FR · Rating 4 out of 5]

Aainn muy cute, que ganas de regalárselo a niños o padres para fomentar una buena crianza, no sólo para niños sino te recuerda cosas importantes de inteligencia emocional que todos debemos tener presente y siempre pensaba ¡Qué diferente sería toda nuestra vida si hubieramos aprendido esto al crecer!

[Tnb · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed this book in order to help my ten-year old with her self-esteem. I read it and I find it very helpful. We will read it together and overtime I hope to update this review to reflect how the tools featured here have affected her.

[Rico · Rating 2 out of 5]

Self-esteem will fix all the problems. Yeah.

There are plenty of quick fix solutions in here and they likely have some positive effect. But the world view is wrong and they start from faulty premises.

[Cheri · Rating 4 out of 5]

May be great to use for lessons in our school’s reset room or Guidance!

[Sophie Kulyashova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Считаю, что хорошая книга для ребёнка (от 8 лет) в качестве дальнейшего подведения к ННО. Мне такая в школьные годы точно бы пригодилась

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

Stick Up for Yourself would be good for children struggling with self-esteem, bullying, and mental health concerns. It has some great tips for children. Some of the book does seem to be redundant.

[Lera Elkina · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book on emotional intellect basics for your pre-teen

[Katherine Lincoln · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent tool for tweens, teens (and adults) about how to self talk, the importance of personal power. Well done. Interesting new concepts, naming feelings.

[Evie · Rating 3 out of 5]

My therapist made me read this. It's a pretty good and simple guidebook. It's easy to follow and remember

[Trevor · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m not sure if middle schoolers would read this but most should. Practical advice and suggestion for blinding self-esteem and finding your power.

[Tracey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book! It is written in a kid friendly manner. I see upper elementary and middle school students would benefit the most, however other grade levels would certainly find it helpful, too. The author gives practical ideas to children to help them in troubling times. I have a student in mind who may be able to use parts of this book! (12/6/16 - Follow Up: My colleague liked this book so much that she ordered a copy for each one of our students!!!!)

[Sweet on Books · Rating 3 out of 5]

This self-help book goes well beyond the basics. It provides extensive instructions for achieving personal power and positive self-esteem. It begins with the premise that positive self-esteem is the most important component of a child's emotional health, necessary to succeed in our society. It then goes on to describe what it means to “stick up for yourself” and explains exactly how to do it. It requires personal power and self-confidence which come from being responsible for yourself, making choices, knowing yourself and finding power in your relationships. There are detailed descriptions of feelings, suggestions on how to deal with them and even tips on how to feel less shy. Readers are asked to participate in the book, often being instructed to write down their thoughts and ideas pertaining to a particular step in the process. The text is broken up by clip-art cartoons and shaded areas highlighting examples. The authors clearly indicate when something is a fact or an important point.

It does seem obvious that the program, laid out here by two professors and an author of other self-help books for children, is rooted in psychological theory. Like a mini therapy session, readers are instructed to talk things over with themselves, face their demons, talk about their feelings and, on a daily basis, state things that make them happy and proud. They do address a few sensitive subjects like the possibly serious consequences of burying one's feelings, the fine line between appropriate and inappropriate touching, and the danger that someone could feel so "down" that they might try to hurt themselves. Since it was last updated in 1999, it is lacking in any observations on technology and how it might impact one’s ability to achieve the suggested goals. Although the book definitely feels less current and possibly less powerful as a result, the concepts are still relevant and important. There is still plenty of good information to be found within these pages, like the fact that “when we care what someone else thinks of us, we give that person power over us.” Readers can pull out what would be helpful to them or an adult can read it to get ideas on how to speak to and assist their child. Some will find helpful parenting methods, like offering kids choices versus simply telling them what to do. In addition to helping kids understand their feelings, it offers alternative behaviors and ways out of bad situations. Keep this one on your bookshelf as a resource, just in case you need it.

[Dreamergirl · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is my favorite non-fiction, self-help book. Even though I've never been through very, very tough bullying, this book will help you to stand up for yourself, whether it's with a friend who's suddenly turned against you or with teachers and parents constantly trying to put you down for no reason, this book will help you do exactly what the title says, "Stick Up For Yourself!". Many people don't really get what the phrase means and this guide made a close up view. I liked the approach that Kaufman did in this book. It didn't show, "fighting back" as a bad thing, but as a good thing that will help you get through everything and stand up for yourself. This is a great read for grades 5th and up. I loved this book from the very beginning at the first chapter, "What it means to stick up for yourself", it deals with tough essues as self-esteem problems (it even has a quizz on it) and it deals with many feelings like distress, fear, anger, shame, loneliness, and down-moods. It also tells you a lot about power in relationships and how to achive your future dreams, being responsible for your feelings and behavier, and overcoming shyness. It also helps with that feeling of powerlessness and frustration in daily life. I'd recommend to every middle/high schooler in need of a book that will help her/him find his true self and know how to deal with people treating him unfairly. :)

Interest level: Medium-high
Grade level: 5th-10th

[BL834 · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book seems to be geared toward the upper-elementary or lower-middle-school age group. I thought the writing was very accessible, the concepts were clear, and the recommendations were solid.

As a self-exploration and learning book I rate this four stars, but I don't think that it will provide many useful tips for the bullied child. This is more for the timid child, or one who needs help with self-awareness, or those who need to learn how to say 'no' respectfully to authority figures instead of internalizing their frustration/anger.

The authors' idea of "sticking up for yourself" means being aware of and acting on the underpinnings of situations: recognizing who is responsible for what, identifying feelings, remaining calm and verbalizing your needs.

There was stilted language in many of the scenarios that made the dialogue sound like a kid wasn't actually the one speaking ("I would like to talk about this. If now is not a good time, let's schedule a time to sit down and discuss it.") but it gets the point across.

One section goes over defining and naming feelings, and I think most kids - and quite a few adults - would find that very helpful.

All in all, I'd recommend this to kids up to pre-teen. Older kids might find the scenario resolutions too simplistic to really internalize the book's message.

[Kylan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even as an adult, I can forget how to talk to my nephews and nieces and more so, how I treat myself around other people. I really didn't have such a great education in sticking up for myself. Even though I learned some tips from TV (hello Oprah) I didn't know how to instil them into my daily life at work or with friends.

This book is a great guide to showing how one can start to 'stick up for yourself.' And doing it in a an assertive way. There are several great statements in this book that reinforce the value of what it means to have a choice and take responsibility for your actions, and to also talk to others in a way that gives you confidence and personal power.

I don't feel like the chapter on bullying is overly effective, but then, bullying is such a massive issue that has to be tackled in a different way.

Overall, the messages here are clear, concise and free of any cheese. Ok, there's some cheese but then I'm being a bit cynical cos different language could be used. But it is simple and I, for one, will be starting again to take on a better approach in dealing with my esteem and relationships with others.

[Sachin Ganpat · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was an excellent book. I can see this helping young youths and young adults grow their self-esteem and wellbeing. I too learned a few things in here to grow my own self-esteem and happiness. I've practiced some of the activities and found it helpful.

I've also tried a few things with my own kids, but they're not quite old enough, but I'm sure it can help them. Can't wait to work with them on this when they grow a bit older.

[Juliette · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 1/2 stars. I am using this book as part of the curriculum in my 6th grade communication wheel class. It has excellent exercises on building an emotional toolkit. My students enjoy reading the sections and then writing about their emotions and experiences in their class journals. This book, last updated in 1999, needs an added section on social media, internet life and online communication & safety.

[Englandjennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an awesome book! Every parent with children/preteens should read this. Even I got something out of helping kids; ex. "the I did it list" A short read, meant for teens to read and older children but even adults can get something out of this

[Alma Gomez]

This is a great book for kids who do not know how to stick up for themselves in a safe and powerful way. This book will teach students how to build personal power and positive self-esteem.

Grade: 2 and up

[Samia · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book teaches you good moral lessons, and it teaches you how to stick up for yourself... ^_^

[Kristi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this book

This is a good book I'm eleven years old and now I know how to stick up for myself and set goals and control my emotions