Three Makes Baby: How to Parent Your Donor-Conceived Child

by Jana M. Rupnow

DO YOU KNOW—Most Common Concerns Intended Parents Have
about Donor Conception?

Millions of people dream of having a baby but struggle for years with infertility or seek other unconventional ways to build a family. In an era of new options in reproductive medicine, many couples are using a third person’s egg, sperm, or embryo to conceive. Having a child with another person’s genetics is complex. Couples have concerns about how donor conception will affect their future family life, especially their child.
Confusion and fear can leave parents feeling unequipped on this path to parenthood. Shame and unresolved grief about infertility create silence around a controversial topic that needs a voice. Secrets can hurt a family.

A fertility counselor addresses your urgent
•Why should we tell our child we’re not genetically related?
•How do we tell our child about donor conception? And when is the best time?
•What if my child is upset?
•What if I don’t feel like the real parent?
•Will others treat our family differently?
•Should we keep the donor a secret?

You can learn to overcome fears that make you want to keep a secret—yet maintain your family’s privacy. This book offers education and awareness so parents can guide their donor-conceived children through various stages of development with age-appropriate conversations.

Genres: Parenting

178 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 28, 2018

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall good, but spends a lot of time convincing you that you should tell your child if they were donor conceived. Since it was never a question that we would be honest early and often with that information, it felt a bit light on the parts I did care about.

[Juan Rodriguez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good Insights

Liked the book very much, as it covers the subject of different genes families with respect and understanding. Fully recommended

[howsoonisnow · Rating 2 out of 5]

Would be better titled, 'You should tell your child they're donor-conceived' because this forms the bulk of the book, about 4/5. There is very little information on actually raising a DC child, beyond a brief few pages explaining that parents should be good listeners and open to donor-related questions from their children. One does feel cheated when a book which claims to educate about raising DC children, spends close to the entire book simply telling parents not to hide their child's DC status from them. For most (if not all) parents reading this book, Rupnow is simply preaching to the choir. Think about the reality that parents planning to conceal the nature of their child's conception, would not read a parenting book relating specifically to DC parenting. The entire book focused solely on the needs of non-genetic related parents within couplings, to the exclusion of SMBCs. It was overall quite a glancing one-dimensional book, although it does fill a niche market of comforting and guiding infertile non-genetic parents through their disappointment of not having biological offspring. And although not relevant to me, it provides interesting insight into the emotional struggles these parents face.

[Wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a family gifted with donor conception, I was prompted by my partner to read about the topic to help with my comfort and ability to share and experience our child's story.

While we started with some age appropriate books for him, I needed to find some advice to help my journey.

This book helped me answer some questions, consider some approaches and also consider going for counseling to help me better adjust. It also prompted more questions and a need for further exploration.

I love my child's story. It's what makes him, him and what brought our miracle to us. This book reaffirmed my positive feelings. Thank you.

I will be returning to this book as our child ages so someone the suggested responses.

[natalie strobach · Rating 1 out of 5]

Bio-determinist Outdated Read Allows for Seeing Donors as Moms and Dads! Fails LGBTQI and SMBC communities!

This book doesn’t do the work to get away from biological determinist language. It doesn’t provide educational tools to help children understand that donors are not parents and should not be called “mom” or “dad.” We can teach our children better and they can grasp how family is socially constructed. DNA is not identity. This book falls into the flawed thinking springing from the commercialization of DNA testing. It reinforces creation of a nuclear family by employing social language for donors. It is anti-LGBTQI and anti SMBC.

[Amanda Hudson-Neff · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was recommended to my wife and I by a psychologist as we begin the IUI process. If you are a two mom family using a sperm donor, this book is a waste of time. This is clearly geared towards straight couples who have negative emotions and feelings about needing a donor of one kind or another. She rarely mentions lesbian couples and most of the book is convincing you to tell your donor conceived child they are donor conceived. Might be helpful for straight couples but LGBTQ+ might not get much from this.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

I truly appreciate that the author respected all feelings and situations that different people may have. I also felt that because of that, the author was somewhat empowering. It encouraged you to do what is right for you and your family. However, the information that I keep craving was a tiny section with not many answers.

[Joshua Legas · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a parent of an adopted embryo, I appreciated confirmation that some of the ways my wife and I would like to tell our daughter her story (early) were in general a good way to go. It didn’t have much to say about how to navigate a relationship with a known donor which I would have appreciated, but worth a read for those who also have a child that has been partly or wholly donor-conceived.

[Laura Watson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great read with very solid advice for parents of donor-conceived children.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Three Makes Baby is a guide to navigating the labyrinth of familial love and genetic loss, grief and joy, and arriving at the beginning of new life in the end. In her manual Jana M. Rupnow, LPC, addresses the five concerns of donor conception: (1) the child’s wellbeing, (2) parental legitimacy, (3) social stigma, (4) familial or cultural alienation, and (5) communication about donor conception.

Rupnow uses three activities--surfing, dodgeball, accordion playing--as analogies for making a baby! First, she describes emotions like waves. They crash over us, we recover and catch our breath before the next wave knocks us down. Therapy is like surfing. It teaches us tricks and techniques to stay on top of and skim the surface of our feelings with grace and even see a new horizon ahead. We can survive paddling in the water but we can thrive surfing above the surface. Similarly, she compares social interaction with a game of dodgeball, getting hit can hurt! To stay in the game, you have two choices: grab the ball or get out the way! But if those don’t work, dodge, distract, deflect, direct, and detour. Finally, she likens relationships with an accordion: they contract and expand while remaining connected all the time making music that is beautiful and/or unique depending on your taste!

Life is a coin: there are two sides--challenges and celebrations--but both are part of the same coin and both are valuable. It’s up to you to discover the treasure. Invest yours by purchasing a copy of this book and subscribing to her podcast today!