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From The Darkness: A True Story
John James tells his autobiographical account of his experience inside his abusive relationship and the aftermath of that, including his battle with PTSD and depression, medication and therapy and his rebirth as a new man. It is sometimes beautiful, sometimes sad, sometimes brutal but always honest. It is the story of the hidden side of abuse, that of a male victim. This book says, no more silence, it's time to speak out.
400 pages, Paperback
Published August 14, 2018
18 people want to read
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John James
382 books12 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name.
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November 18, 2021
'15% of men between the ages of 16 and 59 have experienced some kind of domestic abuse in their life, that's the equivalent of 2.4 million men. Between 2016 and 2017 4.3% of men reported domestic abuse, that is over 700,000 men. Imagine the statistics without the stigma, without the shame that a lot of men feel, how high would that number be if every case was reported?'
Contrary to a popular myth rooted in sexist prejudices refusing to die, domestic abuse is indeed not gender based. Every official statistics has been pointing, for the past five decades at least, to an almost gender symmetry when it comes to both perpetrators and victims (the figures above are from the UK, where the author is from) and, as the author rightly asserts, 'almost symmetry' shouldn't fool us -this is considering that men are still far less likely to report when they are victims of domestic violence as opposed to women. It's about high time, then, that the false narrative according to which domestic abuse is mostly about women victims and men perpetrators gets debunked once and for all!
First of all, then, let's salute the author, John James, for his courage in retelling his experience. There is indeed a cognitive dissonance out there, whereas people perfectly accept that women can be as toxic, manipulative, violent, aggressive, angry, jealous, controlling, and experts in gaslighting as men, yet... when men open up about their experience in being in relationships with such women, suddenly, the reasoning gets tossed off on the side and such men get mocked, ridiculed, dismissed, mistrusted, and labelled as statistical oddities (while, again and again: there are not; official figures are all around to prove the point)! In fact, it's very disturbing how far people will go in order to deny, or at least dismiss and demean such men's experience; from the ludicrous claim that most men abused are supposedly abused by gay partner, to them being branded as the original perpetrators, and their female abusers portrayed as a victim who supposedly snapped! If official data haven't been enough to change such rubbish and prejudicial mindset, then let's hope personal testimonies like From the Darkness will, at least, contribute to destroy them! Books like that are more than needed indeed...
What John James describes, a slow descent into an abusive relationship which will involve emotional, sexual, physical and financial abuse is harrowing enough. The violence and bullying, the gaslighting, the terrible impact upon his life as a whole (his relationship with friends and family, his work, his mental health) will be familiar to many, regardless of gender. Here's the thing indeed: 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men report having been victims of domestic violence, so the personal story of John James will resonate with a lot out there, male or female. The dynamic abuser-abused in such dysfunctional couples is, after all, the same. What set this book apart, though, is how it clearly exposes the inequalities in treatment when it comes to victimhood: women are trusted and receive help and support, men don't.
The assumption according to which women are more likely to be the victims has indeed terrible consequences. There are plenty of well-funded women-only organisations providing help and resources for women (and rightly so!) but, for men, they are scarce and seriously in need. Only a couple of helplines are out there, meaning that men victims are on their own. How do you cope with such hellish ordeal on your own? You don't: he self-harmed, had suicidal ideas, and got so desperate that he even tried to kill himself (how many men are actually committing suicide because of domestic abuse and the lack of support simply because they are men is impossible to tell, but, knowing that suicide rate remains four times higher among men than women, being the first cause of death for men under 50, the question chillingly hangs...). The sexist prejudice also spills over how institutions who should know better handle such cases. A helpline for men specifically advised him to don't involve the police, as, as a man, he will not only be disbelieved, but, the assumption that the woman is in fact the victim will have him treated as the problem. Naïve because armed with evidence, he will nevertheless involve the police... Well, he was not only disbelieved (his case dragged on for weeks, with nothing being done in the end) but he was also treated as the problem (when he finally threw his wife out and called her for her to pick her stuff, he was brought down to a police station and warned of having a caution being handed over to him for 'harassment')! It gets pretty clear that society still has a long way to go to tackle such injustice...
All in all, From the Darkness is a great read, a personal journey into, and back from, hell that will echo with everyone who has ever been in a toxic relationship -regardless of being a man or a woman. It's compelling, moving, harrowing, yet never dabbles in self-pity. I highly recommend it, in fact, for exposing, through an individual account, how the false view that domestic violence is gender based has dangerous consequences. I strongly recommend it especially to anyone who refuse to believe that women can be as abusive as men. I also strongly recommend it especially to men, who may not even know they, themselves, have been victim of abuse. For let's stop kidding ourselves: the 'crazy woman' most of us have been in a relationship with wasn't 'crazy', she was abusive and it's about high time we recognise such behaviours as such. When it comes to domestic violence indeed, we're all in the same boat, and we won't tackle the problem unless we discard once and for all the sexist prejudices preventing us to address the issue as it should. Let's hope this powerful book will help in doing just that!
Contrary to a popular myth rooted in sexist prejudices refusing to die, domestic abuse is indeed not gender based. Every official statistics has been pointing, for the past five decades at least, to an almost gender symmetry when it comes to both perpetrators and victims (the figures above are from the UK, where the author is from) and, as the author rightly asserts, 'almost symmetry' shouldn't fool us -this is considering that men are still far less likely to report when they are victims of domestic violence as opposed to women. It's about high time, then, that the false narrative according to which domestic abuse is mostly about women victims and men perpetrators gets debunked once and for all!
First of all, then, let's salute the author, John James, for his courage in retelling his experience. There is indeed a cognitive dissonance out there, whereas people perfectly accept that women can be as toxic, manipulative, violent, aggressive, angry, jealous, controlling, and experts in gaslighting as men, yet... when men open up about their experience in being in relationships with such women, suddenly, the reasoning gets tossed off on the side and such men get mocked, ridiculed, dismissed, mistrusted, and labelled as statistical oddities (while, again and again: there are not; official figures are all around to prove the point)! In fact, it's very disturbing how far people will go in order to deny, or at least dismiss and demean such men's experience; from the ludicrous claim that most men abused are supposedly abused by gay partner, to them being branded as the original perpetrators, and their female abusers portrayed as a victim who supposedly snapped! If official data haven't been enough to change such rubbish and prejudicial mindset, then let's hope personal testimonies like From the Darkness will, at least, contribute to destroy them! Books like that are more than needed indeed...
What John James describes, a slow descent into an abusive relationship which will involve emotional, sexual, physical and financial abuse is harrowing enough. The violence and bullying, the gaslighting, the terrible impact upon his life as a whole (his relationship with friends and family, his work, his mental health) will be familiar to many, regardless of gender. Here's the thing indeed: 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men report having been victims of domestic violence, so the personal story of John James will resonate with a lot out there, male or female. The dynamic abuser-abused in such dysfunctional couples is, after all, the same. What set this book apart, though, is how it clearly exposes the inequalities in treatment when it comes to victimhood: women are trusted and receive help and support, men don't.
The assumption according to which women are more likely to be the victims has indeed terrible consequences. There are plenty of well-funded women-only organisations providing help and resources for women (and rightly so!) but, for men, they are scarce and seriously in need. Only a couple of helplines are out there, meaning that men victims are on their own. How do you cope with such hellish ordeal on your own? You don't: he self-harmed, had suicidal ideas, and got so desperate that he even tried to kill himself (how many men are actually committing suicide because of domestic abuse and the lack of support simply because they are men is impossible to tell, but, knowing that suicide rate remains four times higher among men than women, being the first cause of death for men under 50, the question chillingly hangs...). The sexist prejudice also spills over how institutions who should know better handle such cases. A helpline for men specifically advised him to don't involve the police, as, as a man, he will not only be disbelieved, but, the assumption that the woman is in fact the victim will have him treated as the problem. Naïve because armed with evidence, he will nevertheless involve the police... Well, he was not only disbelieved (his case dragged on for weeks, with nothing being done in the end) but he was also treated as the problem (when he finally threw his wife out and called her for her to pick her stuff, he was brought down to a police station and warned of having a caution being handed over to him for 'harassment')! It gets pretty clear that society still has a long way to go to tackle such injustice...
All in all, From the Darkness is a great read, a personal journey into, and back from, hell that will echo with everyone who has ever been in a toxic relationship -regardless of being a man or a woman. It's compelling, moving, harrowing, yet never dabbles in self-pity. I highly recommend it, in fact, for exposing, through an individual account, how the false view that domestic violence is gender based has dangerous consequences. I strongly recommend it especially to anyone who refuse to believe that women can be as abusive as men. I also strongly recommend it especially to men, who may not even know they, themselves, have been victim of abuse. For let's stop kidding ourselves: the 'crazy woman' most of us have been in a relationship with wasn't 'crazy', she was abusive and it's about high time we recognise such behaviours as such. When it comes to domestic violence indeed, we're all in the same boat, and we won't tackle the problem unless we discard once and for all the sexist prejudices preventing us to address the issue as it should. Let's hope this powerful book will help in doing just that!
Displaying 1 of 1 review