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Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing
Have you been traumatized by infidelity?
The phrase "broken heart" belies the real trauma behind the all-too-common occurrence of infidelity. Psychologist Dennis Ortman likens the psychological aftermath of sexual betrayal to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in its origin and symptoms, including anxiety, irritability, rage, emotional numbing, and flashbacks. Using PTSD treatment as a model, Dr. Ortman will show you, step by step, how
• work through conflicting emotions
• Understand yourself and your partner
• Make important life decisions
Dr. Ortman sees recovery as a spiritual journey and draws on the wisdom of diverse faiths, from Christianity to Buddhism. He also offers exercises to deepen recovery, such as guided meditations and journaling, and explores heart-wrenchingly familiar case studies of couples struggling with monogamy. By the end of this book, you will have completed the six stages of healing and emerged with a whole heart, a full spirit, and the freedom to love again.
The phrase "broken heart" belies the real trauma behind the all-too-common occurrence of infidelity. Psychologist Dennis Ortman likens the psychological aftermath of sexual betrayal to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in its origin and symptoms, including anxiety, irritability, rage, emotional numbing, and flashbacks. Using PTSD treatment as a model, Dr. Ortman will show you, step by step, how
• work through conflicting emotions
• Understand yourself and your partner
• Make important life decisions
Dr. Ortman sees recovery as a spiritual journey and draws on the wisdom of diverse faiths, from Christianity to Buddhism. He also offers exercises to deepen recovery, such as guided meditations and journaling, and explores heart-wrenchingly familiar case studies of couples struggling with monogamy. By the end of this book, you will have completed the six stages of healing and emerged with a whole heart, a full spirit, and the freedom to love again.
256 pages, Paperback
First published April 28, 2009
212 people are currently reading
272 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
July 2, 2014
While some of the material in this book could be very helpful, it was a slow, dense read. I would be hesitant in recommending it to a client as a result. On the other side, I worry that some of the anecdotal examples would be triggering. The icing on the cake for me personally is the religious and spiritual bent in this book. While I occasionally enjoy religious readings that is not what I wanted in this book. The emphasis on religion was almost insulting to an atheist, as if the auhor expected that you could not recovery without "walking wih Jesus".
June 2, 2022
Honestly, I wasn't expecting it to be so heavily laced in Christianity. As an atheist, these kinds of coping methods aren't helpful to me. So, that immediately threw me off, but also the fact that he said he could relate because he left the priesthood to get married and he felt like he was being unfaithful to the church and that just isn't really the same. Maybe it feels like infidelity when one hasn't actually been cheated on but personally, I don't think it's comparative in the way he thinks. I'm sure this book would help those who are Christian/Spiritual in a Christian scope, but outside of that, I think you might be quickly turned off early.
May 17, 2016
There are some great insights in this book but you have to trawl to find them. Firstly, it is good to have the experience of being betrayed up-front and in constant focus. That some individuals are traumatised by their partner's betrayal is fully explored and is in fact the background to the title of the book - he has named the experience as post infidelity stress disorder (exhibiting many of the symptoms found in post traumatic stress disorder).
Unfortunately, much of what he says is repetitive and as he was previously a priest - it has a deeply Christian ethos and understanding. Not being a Christian makes these aspects hollow.
The insights are in who is more likely to experience PISD and how barriers to forgiveness can hinder the healing process. Interestingly, his view of forgiveness is far more expansive than the Christian notion and at no time does he ever suggest that the infidelity was caused by the marital relationship or anything the betrayed spouse did. The responsibility sits squarely on the shoulders of the cheating partner.
Recovery is a time consuming process and this book has a few gems to help understand the process.
Unfortunately, much of what he says is repetitive and as he was previously a priest - it has a deeply Christian ethos and understanding. Not being a Christian makes these aspects hollow.
The insights are in who is more likely to experience PISD and how barriers to forgiveness can hinder the healing process. Interestingly, his view of forgiveness is far more expansive than the Christian notion and at no time does he ever suggest that the infidelity was caused by the marital relationship or anything the betrayed spouse did. The responsibility sits squarely on the shoulders of the cheating partner.
Recovery is a time consuming process and this book has a few gems to help understand the process.
January 10, 2021
I had a very toxic relationship where I was repeatedly cheated on. I have forgiven myself for allowing him back continuously as I recognize I was going through a very hard time in life and struggling with grief. Once I had finally left the relationship for good I kept an arms length approach to dating and although I did date and see guys, I didn’t get back in a relationship for some time.
It was only when I eventually did start a new relationship that I discovered the lasting pain and mistrust that I had been left with and how it was negatively impacting my new relationship.
I thought this book would help, and in honestly some parts of it did. However this book preached religion as a way to heal and move on way too much. I respect that for many this is a wonderful way to find peace and heal, however I almost felt like the book could be portrayed as preying on people’s vulnerable emotions to preach God which isn’t what I needed from it. I hope it helped many, but it wasn’t for me.
It was only when I eventually did start a new relationship that I discovered the lasting pain and mistrust that I had been left with and how it was negatively impacting my new relationship.
I thought this book would help, and in honestly some parts of it did. However this book preached religion as a way to heal and move on way too much. I respect that for many this is a wonderful way to find peace and heal, however I almost felt like the book could be portrayed as preying on people’s vulnerable emotions to preach God which isn’t what I needed from it. I hope it helped many, but it wasn’t for me.
September 3, 2020
This was a very helpful book that recognizes the trauma of infidelity and how we can move past it, heal and forgive. Highly recommend this one.
June 5, 2024
I hope you never have to read this book, but if you find yourself here, know you are not alone.
I read this slowly. My therapist suggested I not read ahead but just read one chapter every two weeks, and we would discuss the chapter in our sessions. I’m glad I took this approach. While the reader in me hated how long it took to get through this book, my mental health needed the slow pace. The healing journey is slow, and the more I healed, the more this book resonated with me.
This isn’t a get healed quick book. However, it’s full of great insights for not just recovery, but deciding whether or not to continue in a relationship.
I’ve come to see my trauma as a really cool (albeit awful) way to grow both mentally and spiritually. It awaken my need to love myself wholeheartedly and prioritize myself.
“In the midst of a crisis, we feel like we are breaking down, but it is really just our defenses failing. In reality, we are broken open, allowing feelings at the core of our being to break through. Energy, which had been bound up for self-protection, is released to re-create our lives in a way that conforms to our true nature.” (Pg 214)
I read this slowly. My therapist suggested I not read ahead but just read one chapter every two weeks, and we would discuss the chapter in our sessions. I’m glad I took this approach. While the reader in me hated how long it took to get through this book, my mental health needed the slow pace. The healing journey is slow, and the more I healed, the more this book resonated with me.
This isn’t a get healed quick book. However, it’s full of great insights for not just recovery, but deciding whether or not to continue in a relationship.
I’ve come to see my trauma as a really cool (albeit awful) way to grow both mentally and spiritually. It awaken my need to love myself wholeheartedly and prioritize myself.
“In the midst of a crisis, we feel like we are breaking down, but it is really just our defenses failing. In reality, we are broken open, allowing feelings at the core of our being to break through. Energy, which had been bound up for self-protection, is released to re-create our lives in a way that conforms to our true nature.” (Pg 214)
May 17, 2020
There are a couple good bits of stuff in here but it’s buried pretty sporadically though a lot of repetition, way too much about Jesus and prayer, too many bible quotes, and a lot of generalized assumptions. I wish there had been something in the title alluding to the overly Christian nature to be honest.
I also think there’s a “sweet spot” so to speak when this book would be most helpful. For me, my marriage ended several years ago and most of this I had already figured out on my own. I was hoping for something more lasting I guess. I also think if you had just discovered the infidelity, much of this would be too soon to process.
That being said, if you are ready to embrace healing, don’t mind the heavily Christian overtones, and don’t mind sorting through the density and repetitive nature, you could find some helpful stuff.
I do think he oversimplifies it a bit though. Forgiveness is great and it’s a huge part of the healing process, but much like PTSD, I don’t think you ever fully recover so I’m not sure about the six stage thing. Emotional scar tissue remains long after forgiveness and it impacts your life for the rest of it. At least that’s my own personal feeling. And I don’t think him leaving the priesthood is as much like the infidelity of a spouse as he describes in initially.
I also think there’s a “sweet spot” so to speak when this book would be most helpful. For me, my marriage ended several years ago and most of this I had already figured out on my own. I was hoping for something more lasting I guess. I also think if you had just discovered the infidelity, much of this would be too soon to process.
That being said, if you are ready to embrace healing, don’t mind the heavily Christian overtones, and don’t mind sorting through the density and repetitive nature, you could find some helpful stuff.
I do think he oversimplifies it a bit though. Forgiveness is great and it’s a huge part of the healing process, but much like PTSD, I don’t think you ever fully recover so I’m not sure about the six stage thing. Emotional scar tissue remains long after forgiveness and it impacts your life for the rest of it. At least that’s my own personal feeling. And I don’t think him leaving the priesthood is as much like the infidelity of a spouse as he describes in initially.
December 7, 2011
The concept of this book is great, the delivery is flawed at best. Seems like good research and good thinking, and terrible writing and organization.
July 15, 2024
I thought this would be a scientific based book by a therapist. Instead it was a book by an ex catholic priest who also does Christian based therapy. The author did not market his book correctly at all. The title or cover should include that this book is based in Christianity so it reaches the correct audience.
If you are a Christian, this book would be very helpful. As a non-Christian who comes from a high demand Christian upbringing, I found parts of this book trite and not based in science.
At one point the author tells you to imagine Jesus holding you even if you aren’t Christian. I found this offensive. The author clearly thinks that christianity can heal trauma, it came off as very ignorant. The chapter about forgiveness was very trite and clearly based on Christian values.
Unfortunately, most infidelity books lack actionable help for people going through infidelity. This book offered useful advice about how to make decisions about the relationship, which I haven’t found in any other books yet. Also the author does include some non Christian exercises to promote healing. For this I gave it three stars. I wish there were better books for people going through infidelity. But I am grateful for the small pockets of help found in between the religious segments of this book 😅
If you are a Christian, this book would be very helpful. As a non-Christian who comes from a high demand Christian upbringing, I found parts of this book trite and not based in science.
At one point the author tells you to imagine Jesus holding you even if you aren’t Christian. I found this offensive. The author clearly thinks that christianity can heal trauma, it came off as very ignorant. The chapter about forgiveness was very trite and clearly based on Christian values.
Unfortunately, most infidelity books lack actionable help for people going through infidelity. This book offered useful advice about how to make decisions about the relationship, which I haven’t found in any other books yet. Also the author does include some non Christian exercises to promote healing. For this I gave it three stars. I wish there were better books for people going through infidelity. But I am grateful for the small pockets of help found in between the religious segments of this book 😅
May 17, 2025
I love that the author incorporates God (Catholic/Christian), Buddhism/Mindfulness, and Psychology in his approach. That really resonated with me. For me, God is in everything, all of it, and the author has used these so beautifully together. It was deeply comforting.
Real help. The most comprehensive PISD book I've read, and probably the most effective for actual healing. One I now recommend often the support group I'm in.
I read this book on Kindle. I didn't read it all at once. Sometimes I'd put it down and out-of-sight is out-of-mind and I'd forget it was on my Kindle. Other times I put it down deliberately, to take a mental break. I also re-read certain chapters. I highly recommend getting a hard copy.
My only criticism was a misperception the author wrote about why Jews say "Never Forget" about the Holocaust. Ortman seems to believe it's being stuck in the past or somehow PTSD, but I don't think he really gets it. "Never Forget" while referring to six million Jews slaughtered by the Nazis, has a broader meaning — " never to allow the abandonment of democratic values, the loss of moral clarity." Doing so can have disastrous consequences.... I believe that's a good metaphor for BOUNDARIES - which Ortman stresses in his book.
I meditate since 2019. I'm a Catholic, adopted and raised as a Jew. Married 34 years.
Real help. The most comprehensive PISD book I've read, and probably the most effective for actual healing. One I now recommend often the support group I'm in.
I read this book on Kindle. I didn't read it all at once. Sometimes I'd put it down and out-of-sight is out-of-mind and I'd forget it was on my Kindle. Other times I put it down deliberately, to take a mental break. I also re-read certain chapters. I highly recommend getting a hard copy.
My only criticism was a misperception the author wrote about why Jews say "Never Forget" about the Holocaust. Ortman seems to believe it's being stuck in the past or somehow PTSD, but I don't think he really gets it. "Never Forget" while referring to six million Jews slaughtered by the Nazis, has a broader meaning — " never to allow the abandonment of democratic values, the loss of moral clarity." Doing so can have disastrous consequences.... I believe that's a good metaphor for BOUNDARIES - which Ortman stresses in his book.
I meditate since 2019. I'm a Catholic, adopted and raised as a Jew. Married 34 years.
December 16, 2024
The second half of this book is where there is some good and helpful advice, however I would never recommend this to one of my clients (I’m an LPC) be they Christian or otherwise. The first section seems more of a detriment than anything, especially the section on “men and women” and “vulnerable to trauma”. First, men are more than just sexual and women are more than emotional. It degrades both parties to simplify the response types the way that he did, be it the victim or the one who did the infidelity. Second, there is much more that goes into vulnerability to trauma than what he laid out. To include what he did, while leaving out an expanse of other reasons, reduces client thinking into categories and possibly unnecessary stress on diagnosis for the victim.
November 3, 2025
If you have been betrayed, this book is VERY validating, and let’s be honest, when you are reeling from the big trauma of betrayal, you need to be seen and not gaslit by the material you are reading to aid your recovery. Yes this book contains a ton of religious/spiritual stuff from various traditions that some may find helpful, but if not you can skip it or sift through it for something useful. So stop reading infidelity betrayal recovery materials that blame the victim, and enjoy a supportive read that helps you understand and work through complex emotional responses you are no doubt feeling.
January 29, 2018
Good but very heavy on childhood
There were definitely some gems and aha moments in this book. Some situations seemed very simplistic and related back to childhood mistreatment of some type. I’m not sure every case if infidelity stems from childhood neglect but I do understand the pattern of emotional attachment is formed in childhood. It still was helpful in helping me examine things about myself and my unfaithful husband and in sifting through the emotions of deciding to stay or go.
There were definitely some gems and aha moments in this book. Some situations seemed very simplistic and related back to childhood mistreatment of some type. I’m not sure every case if infidelity stems from childhood neglect but I do understand the pattern of emotional attachment is formed in childhood. It still was helpful in helping me examine things about myself and my unfaithful husband and in sifting through the emotions of deciding to stay or go.
July 8, 2022
This book really made me think and evaluate my feelings. Each section had questions to ask yourself and evaluate.
Dr. Ortman is a trained counselor and has a PhD and was a priest before becoming a counselor. His book interweaves spirituality (inclusive) and sound psychological advice. He is still a practicing psychologist. His speciality is addiction recovery and trauma from infidelity. https://higherthoughtinstitute.com/in...
Dr. Ortman is a trained counselor and has a PhD and was a priest before becoming a counselor. His book interweaves spirituality (inclusive) and sound psychological advice. He is still a practicing psychologist. His speciality is addiction recovery and trauma from infidelity. https://higherthoughtinstitute.com/in...
July 17, 2017
The book does a good job of connecting the spiritual to the real life experience of undergoing infidelity. It gives valid options and direction regarding what to focus on and how to overcome. My only complaint is that some options were repetitive. However, this is an excellent read regarding an extremely difficult and hurtful process.
August 15, 2020
Definitely has good elements in it, but the way it is organized and written was hard for me to follow. Also, FYI, has strong (slightly random and unexpected) Christian/Biblical coping methods. It was helpful perspective for me - but I’d your belief system does not recognize the Bible, I’d pass on this one.
September 26, 2018
This book had some great insight and coping mechanisms for those struggling with the lingering insecurity of past betrayals and affairs. I wish I would've found this book 15 years ago. Would've helped me with alot of pain I suffered.
February 12, 2024
This was better than I expected. The author is an ex-priest so it came with a Catholic/christian ethos, but it wasn’t overly preachy.
The main theme is dealing with infidelity, but this would still be an excellent book about any sort of betrayal. The teachings about forgives were really good.
The main theme is dealing with infidelity, but this would still be an excellent book about any sort of betrayal. The teachings about forgives were really good.
April 23, 2024
Overly religious, the anecdotes were repetitive and a lot of the advice was overly specific. My biggest problem though was with the assumption that the betrayed spouse had some sort of unhealthy attachment or was not emotionally well adjusted before the betrayal.
May 7, 2017
good read, nothing new, but well organized familiar ideas. Love the initials - PISD. Just fun to say.
November 2, 2019
I’ve read a lot of books on this topic and, although there are several good ones, this book is hands down, the BEST one I’ve read!
February 19, 2022
A bit repetitive but good none the less.
June 24, 2024
Churchier in places than is my preference, but definitely has some good insights and doesn't focus solely on one side of the equation.
August 6, 2025
so powerful!
Learned so much and this book helped a lot! I will recommend this book to anyone dealing with the emotional hurt from infidelity.
Learned so much and this book helped a lot! I will recommend this book to anyone dealing with the emotional hurt from infidelity.
January 6, 2026
The best book on this topic that I have read. Lots to learn about relationships for all people.
May 17, 2013
This was a useful book to read on infidelity and to explore the six stages of healing. My only complaint was that it one-sided, i.e. focused strictly on the person who has been cheated on as opposed to exploring the healing that the cheater also needs to go through. Nonetheless if you have experienced an affair on either side this is a good book to read and will help you not only explore how to heal from such an experience, but also explore your history with infidelity, in your family, which can be very helpful for fully healing from the experience.
February 22, 2017
This book really helped me alot. I had this book thumbed, highlighted, marked and much more. I gave it to my therapist to use with other people who suffered from ptsd after infidelity. I did not realize how I took the past indiscretions and put them into new relationships. I ended up so scared that I could not live. This book is so profound to me, I would recommend it to anyone who has been cheated on and can not seem to over come it.
October 3, 2020
Overall best book for infidelity recovery
I have read MANY post-infidelity books at this point (8 months post- life apocalypse). This one has been the most beneficial overall in helping me deal with this freshly wounded me that I don’t recognize after 25 years of what I thought was a happy marriage. This book has been invaluable to my recovery.
I have read MANY post-infidelity books at this point (8 months post- life apocalypse). This one has been the most beneficial overall in helping me deal with this freshly wounded me that I don’t recognize after 25 years of what I thought was a happy marriage. This book has been invaluable to my recovery.
September 17, 2013
This book has truly helped me. It has great information and I've even been able to re-read as my healing journey has continued. It has especially helped me feel "normal" in what I was feeling and helped me approach forgiveness.
July 22, 2025
A great book to help anyone heal from infidelity. While it has very sound and logical advice it is filled with Christian references and other religious advice. Still a book worth reading if you have been betrayed by a spouse.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews