Offline: A Novel

by Brian Adams

Meagan is a seventeen-year-old netaholic, addicted to online dating but scared to death to take those online “relationships” offline. Banished by her parents to her gay hippie grandfather’s farm (where the cell reception is terrible!), she is so not looking forward to a techno-free summer of gardening and cleaning house. When two offline boys fall for her at a Netaholics Anonymous meeting, she desperately enlists her bestie Sheila to help extradite herself from such an awkward situation. Good luck with that! Falling in with a ragtag bunch of Luddites, Meagan joins a zany softball team, takes the game of Scrabble to a whole new level, and gets immersed in the world of invertebrate sex—all the while coming to terms with her raging netaholism and discovering the joys and heartbreaks of offline relationships.

Offline is a romantic romp through the dark underbelly of technology. Equally parts serious and ridiculous, this fast paced romantic comedy for adults and young adults gently pokes fun at the perils and pitfalls of the online world. Brian Adams is the author of two award-winning romantic comedies about environmental activism, Love in the Time of Climate Change and KABOOM! In a previous life he was a college professor, desperately trying to get folks to stop texting in class, put away their damn phones, and get the hell outside. He lives in Western Massachusetts with his wife and cat.

288 pages, Paperback

Published April 22, 2019

Reviews

[Michelle Formato · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was handed this book for free at BookCon 2019. I decided to read it because I thought it would be a cutesy teen romance book that's outside my scope of normal reads. Maybe I'm being too harsh because this is not my ideal genre but being honest, this book was very difficult to get through.

First, I am not sure who this book was aimed at. Obviously the author is trying to spread the message that we should look up from our phones more often, which is fine, but it was not executed well. If you handed this book to a teenager who is a "screenager" (someone glued too their phone) I can guarantee they will find this book way too preachy and it will not change their opinions or behaviors. The average YA reader would probably have a large disconnect with the main protagonist, so I can't see them being the target audience either. Helicopter moms or other adults trying to ween their teenagers off their phones would most likely not enjoy this book either. The lack of a target audience leads to many of the issues throughout the book.

As I mentioned already, the author is trying to spread a message. Many messages in fact, but the main one being "look up from your phones, teeny boppers!" Which again, is not a bad message to send; however, throughout the book it's made to seem as if phones and connecting to the internet is the most pure form of evil and at the end the main character does not even show real growth in accepting the phones are bad lesson. The other messages the author sprinkled throughout the story were fine, fracking is bad, eat more organic/homegrown foods, and whatever else the leftist softball team was teaching; however, they also had no impact on the protagonist. The author could have been on the complete opposite side of the political spectrum, written mission statements from the right, and it would have had the same exact impact on the protagonist, but I'll get into that later.

The last big thing I want to point out before I get into a more spoiler filled review is that the author did not do a good job at writing as a teenager. Our protagonist is a 17 year old girl while the author is a male, retired college professor. There is a large disconnect between the two and it showed. The voice of the book is what you'd expect a person 2-3 generations separated from the main character thinks the main character would sound like, pretentious, spoiled, and bratty; while those teenagers do exist I'm sure, even they would have more sense of self than to think as idiotic thoughts as was written. Also, the voice shifts between first and second person too often to where I didn't know if the fourth wall was trying to be broken or if this was supposed to be a dairy entry like book. It was very confusing.

Spoilers to follow

So the book follows Meagan who was sent to live on her grandfathers' (her paternal grandfather realized he was gay after two failed marriages to women and now has his husband) farm(?)/house(?)/land(?) in western Massachusetts because her divorced parents think it would help her rid herself of her phone addiction. Meagan does a good amount of cleaning and gardening around the house as her biological grandfather, Gramps, tells her life lessons and insect mating facts.

Meagan does not believe she is addicted to her phone despite the fact that her idea of enjoyment is leading on hundreds of guys on her dating app Passion. Gramps and Udder (his husband) force Meagan to go to an AA spinoff in town for internet addicted teens. There, Meagan meets Derek and Jonathon who both immediately are attracted to her and the story begins. During the summer Meagan struggles with her emotions and her ability to start a relationship with a guy Offline. 200+ pages later everyone is happy except for the reader.

Meagan is a flawed character. Not in a compelling way where you want to root for them. Just flawed. She doesn't realize she's flawed until it's convenient for the plot then she forgets it a few chapters later. The flip-floppiness of her attitude could give you a reader whiplash. She is unable to control her actions, has no character development, and complains until everything goes her way. Earlier when I mentioned the political messages the author sprinkled in, well Meagan has no political opinions whatsoever despite being surrounded by the most woke characters I ever read. I thought by the end of the book she would be more of an activist and show true growth, but nope. Sure she'll wear her Dump Trump shirt that Gramps got her but honestly, if everyone around her was republican and she was given a MAGA hat it would have had the same exact impact on the story because she has no spine to build her own opinions nor passion besides Passion. Still, it was good to see that the author cared enough about these issues to include them.

Meagan has no communication skills and strings along Derek for the entire novel (spoiler alert, he's the one in the love triangle that she goes for) for the entirety of the book. Derek is a sweet and sensitive guy, so the fact that he allowed himself to be a doormat to Meagan's cruel insanity just seems so wrong. Meagan is not described physically besides these three tidbits- she has freckles, size B cup boobs, and she's about 115 pounds. And yet somehow she's hot enough that this poor guy (plus another dude and a possible lesbian who was forgotten about after one chapter) are all fawning over her. By the end of the book, Meagan still has no redeemable qualities because she still has barely learned the lessons she was sent out to learn.

There are so many nonsense scenes thrown into this book. So many confusing pieces. I can't tell you how many times I had to look away from the book in frustration. I just did not enjoy this book. Is it possible because it was outside of my regular genres? Maybe, but I really wanted to give it a chance and it was so hard to push through. I've already ripped a good amount of the book apart and I could keep going because I just disliked it that much, but I got through the big things I wanted to say and anything more is cruel. Maybe there is a target audience and those people actually will love it, but for me this is a one star read.

[Josie]

I picked this up randomly at the library but it was a DNF for me. It felt a bit preachy and judgy, and I found it really difficult to connect to the MC.

[Peejay(Pamela) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well written but it turns out I’m not that interested in reading about a teenage girl’s masturbation fantasies with boys online. Or even, later on, boys offline. So I found myself skimming over some parts; the remainder — a teenage romantic comedy — was worth a read.

[Alli · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book sucks.

[Leanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent read. I enjoyed listening to this one.

[Ben]

Promoted it, loved it and wholly charmed by it.