“I loved my mother, and she died,” writes Sarah McColl, “Is that a story?”
Obviously it’s a story I’d want to read, and I loved it—the lyricism, the wit, the cooking, the relationship between mother and daughter, and most of all the interesting person created in these pages.
Here are some of the many passages that I particularly admired:
When people say, tell me about your mother, which they never do, I say she was my spiritual home. So to say I miss her—which I often did in the months following her death, because I did not have the language to express my roiling grief—was a polite way of calling myself a cosmic orphan, like a moon whose planet has fallen out of orbit.
“Hope now?” [her mother] wrote on a small piece of lined, monogrammed notepaper in her thirties. “That I won’t just die and become fertilizer—that I won’t be forgotten as if I had never lived. That I’ll give good people to the world.”
Her mother: “I think the healthily vain woman looks at her bare, God-given physical self, accepts it, shows her love for herself by making the most of her best features, and then gets on with living.”
I wanted to know if she’d been in love with the first person she slept with. She found this a dumb question.
“Of course,” she said. “What about the second person,” I asked. “Sarah,” she said, weary of explaining the obvious. “Of course not.”
My mother insisted she didn’t care about food. In fact, she never had cared, would have happily sustained herself on buttered toast and tea were it not for the hungry mouths of a family and the required ritual of a meal. “Don’t get your ego involved with cooking for me,” she warned. But sometimes she requested seconds, and those nights sent me upstairs, fist-pumping in triumph.
There is one way to slow a story as it speeds toward its inevitable end, and that is to linger in the scene. There was no other purpose for a meal than this: for my mother and me to unfold our napkins in our laps and sit side by side until the sun sank behind the barn and I rose to clear our plates, empty or not, and switch on the overhead light so we could stay and stay and stay.
My mother and I sat at the table in her darkened kitchen. She would not outlive her husband, she told me. She would not move into a condo by the ocean someday, or sew a slipcover for a loveseat in the tropical fabric she’d already selected. She would know only one grandchild. She would not, she said, grow old in the way she had imagined. She would not grow old at all. “I need to be able to say these things to someone,” she said, and so I listened.
“It makes me very sad to think of my precious, luscious daughter reading about drug therapies. Pursue happiness, pleasure, and sensual delight! Cook, ride your bike, pick out your spring clothes. Just live harder! That is the medicine.”