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Atlanta Nights
The world is full of bad books written by amateurs. But why settle for the merely regrettable? Atlanta Nights is a bad book written by experts. -- T. Nielsen Hayden
Atlanta Nights is a book that could only have been produced by an author well-versed in believable storylines, set in conditions that exist today, with believable every-day characters. Accepted by a Traditional Publisher, it is certain to resonate with an audience. It fits their specialty like a glove.
All proceeds from this book go to the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America Emergency Medical Fund.
Atlanta Nights is a book that could only have been produced by an author well-versed in believable storylines, set in conditions that exist today, with believable every-day characters. Accepted by a Traditional Publisher, it is certain to resonate with an audience. It fits their specialty like a glove.
All proceeds from this book go to the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America Emergency Medical Fund.
287 pages, ebook
First published January 26, 2005
10 people are currently reading
342 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 41 reviews
October 28, 2018
Q:
He was an artist with hamburger, everyone said so. (c)
Q:
They had antique cavalry swords crossed over every marble fireplace. Many people tried to join it and couldn't. It was very exclusive. (c)
This is a Master-Piece, a rare jam of bootyfool 'tequila sunrises and omelettes and steaks and chops'... . 'No arctic consolation can detract from that, not even in its worst efforts.
Q:
Elegantly, She walked up the stairs. The gown swished mysteriously about her legs. The sparkling mirror in the stairway considerately let her prudentially endeavor to carefully check her hair and jewelry. The artificial, incandescent light did not become her. It unflatteringly made her verdant dress and gold necklace look ghastly unbecoming. But nothing could, in its worst efforts, made her look less than marvelously stunning, could really detract from her gorgeous beauty and loveliness and she hurriedly took arctic comfort and consolation in that. (c)
This book is a hoax, one written by a team of authors, each one writing a chapter of random stuff making it as horrible as possible. They say it was very difficult to get as many things wrong as possible.
Source: http://pieceofshitbookclub.com/2017/0...
The Book is here: https://www.cs.du.edu/~aburt/StingMan.... People use it as a kind of manual on what not to do to one's books(or penguins in them), ever.
Q:
But he always came back, always came back for her athletic body and her wild sex and her Margarita and tequila sunrises and omelettes and steaks and chops and their video tapes, the ones recorded by the hidden cameras in the bedroom when they made love like wild beasts, like penguins of the Sahara diving into the sand and rutting wildly after feasting on sand sharks. She envied those penguins. All that hot sand to swim through, the raspy grains sliding over their feathers as they hunted in wild packs, baying at the moon, and diving deep, deep, down into the dusty depths of the dry smooth sand. (c) The image of penguins baying at the moon in the middle of Sahara desert and sanddiving is going to stay with me forever!
Q:
Perhaps she might travel to the Sahara someday to watch them from the tops of the pyramids, Mount Fujiyama off in the distance, duplicating the smooth slanted sides of the pyramids. Oh, Henry, you jerk, why didn't you ever take me places like that? Why didn't we travel instead of being cooped up in hiding, in your den, rutting like penguins or ostriches or lions on the leather cushion and couches and chairs and rugs? (c)Rutting ostriches!
Q:
It was as if a copious galleon of wintry water had been surreptitiously poured over his hansom head. He sat stonily and goggled explicitly and gaped impassively as if he were a fish precipitously extracted from its appropriately aqueous environment. He boisterously, wordlessly, softly sputtered like a boiling tea kettle. He stolidly sat like an ancient, moss-overgrown statue from the radiantly fragrant gardens that the noble city was plenteously, bountifully endowed with.
She contentiously got up and stylishly walked away, her amethystine dress swirling about her ankles, fondly remembering his exquisite, superb physique and form of his well-proportionate, muscled body. (c) Yeah, pouring water on someone's head is best done surreptitiosly! Didn't we know that?
Q:
"Here you are."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"Thanks," Callie said too.
"And you're welcome too." (c)
Q:
"If we did merge what will that do to the depreciation do you think?" ...
"The depreciation thing is worrying you I think."
"It's always a worry, isn't it?"
"Well it's different on shipping than on software I'm pretty sure."
"We'll make a lot of money if we merge though. We both know that." (c)
Q:
No Dopplering dotcom plummet to eat a terminal snack of pigeonflavored pavement after the dead cat bounce. No jolt of autocratic asphyxiation, wrenching the Apex Data Ruler the way he wrenched himself in the wee of the night when he lay prostate on his back and no one could hear him ejaculate Margaret's name into the Sealy Serta mattress drenched with the carnal effluents of desire. No tragic grandiose flinging of the BellSouth fiber=optic wiring over the rafter beam since there wasn't one, positioning the SemperFidic ergonomic office chair, looping the Jimmy Hendrix original hand-made collectable silk necktie neck, kicking the spinning chair across the anti-static mat cleated like Beckum's soccer shoes to the migraine Millikin Carpet, kicking the climate controlled air with its direction adjustable hypoallergenic louvers, kicking the generic afterlife. There was always Valium. (c)
Q:
"Is there a reason why you asked me to come here, Richard?" Then she lowered her voice to a husky contralto. "Or should I call you Dick?" (c)
Q:
"Oh, you know." Richard Isaacs crossed his legs casually, like a king sitting upon his throne and examining a peasant who had come to him in supplication.
"Don't quote "Alice in Wonderland" to me," she quietly seethed. (c)
Q:
There was an elegant, gracious, wide stairway to the second floor that had gilt on the black iron
railing. It was orthogonal and it curved around it. (c)
Q:
The French windows in the vestibule were open to the patio, and the sound of tennis games came in, and the scintillating, witty, sparkling chatter from the black wrought iron tables and chairs with all their twisting twining cingulated vines in their arms and legs there, where lunch was being served and the smell of the food came in, too. (c)
Q:
but there were other members who were retrogressive and onward-thinking (c)
Q:
Elegantly, She walked up the stairs. The gown swished mysteriously about her legs. The sparkling mirror in the stairway considerately let her prudentially endeavor to carefully check her hair and jewelry. The artificial, incandescent light did not become her. It unflatteringly made her verdant dress and gold necklace look ghastly unbecoming. But nothing could, in its worst efforts, made her look less than marvelously stunning, could really detract from her gorgeous beauty and loveliness and she hurriedly took arctic comfort and consolation in that. (c)
Q:
She urgently meandered down the marmoreal hallway to the opulent, exotic, expansive bar. It was very, very crowded and odorously noisy. All the men instantly stopped and ardently looked at her. She wearisomely sighs. She was getting very tired of the way all the men instantly stopped and ardently looked at her voluptuous body and long blonde hair and her vermilion dress and her gold watch with the diamonds.
...
The bartender sagaciously nods. He competently takes a crystal glass. He swiftly gets the cold ice and put it in the empty glass. Consequently, he gets the imported, foreign vodka and put it in the glass with the red, opaque tomato juice. He sticks a fair wedge of easy lemon on the edge of it and promptly gives her it.
...
The comfortable chair was brown leather and very nice. She liked it.
And she was here in the bar.
Alone.
It was nice.
No one would talk here. (c)
Q:
"Irena," he pontificates. "You are the daughter of Isaac Stevens. I will reveal your dark secret to your father unless you allow me to have my way with you."
"No," exclaimed she, horror stuck.
"Yes," grated he, harshly.
"You will not!" expostulated she.
"I will reveal your dark secret!" exclaimed he.
"I will not allow you to have you way with me!" she avowed.
"You will!" he averted.
"No, you won't reveal my dark secret," threatened she, numbly. "My father will never believe you."
"I will, and he will," exerted her.
"You won't and he won't," claimed he.
"I will, and he will," remonstrated he.
"You won't," explained she, in an explanatory tone of voice. (c)
He was an artist with hamburger, everyone said so. (c)
Q:
They had antique cavalry swords crossed over every marble fireplace. Many people tried to join it and couldn't. It was very exclusive. (c)
Q:
Elegantly, She walked up the stairs. The gown swished mysteriously about her legs. The sparkling mirror in the stairway considerately let her prudentially endeavor to carefully check her hair and jewelry. The artificial, incandescent light did not become her. It unflatteringly made her verdant dress and gold necklace look ghastly unbecoming. But nothing could, in its worst efforts, made her look less than marvelously stunning, could really detract from her gorgeous beauty and loveliness and she hurriedly took arctic comfort and consolation in that. (c)
This book is a hoax, one written by a team of authors, each one writing a chapter of random stuff making it as horrible as possible. They say it was very difficult to get as many things wrong as possible.
Source: http://pieceofshitbookclub.com/2017/0...
The Book is here: https://www.cs.du.edu/~aburt/StingMan.... People use it as a kind of manual on what not to do to one's books
Q:
But he always came back, always came back for her athletic body and her wild sex and her Margarita and tequila sunrises and omelettes and steaks and chops and their video tapes, the ones recorded by the hidden cameras in the bedroom when they made love like wild beasts, like penguins of the Sahara diving into the sand and rutting wildly after feasting on sand sharks. She envied those penguins. All that hot sand to swim through, the raspy grains sliding over their feathers as they hunted in wild packs, baying at the moon, and diving deep, deep, down into the dusty depths of the dry smooth sand. (c) The image of penguins baying at the moon in the middle of Sahara desert and sanddiving is going to stay with me forever!
Q:
Perhaps she might travel to the Sahara someday to watch them from the tops of the pyramids, Mount Fujiyama off in the distance, duplicating the smooth slanted sides of the pyramids. Oh, Henry, you jerk, why didn't you ever take me places like that? Why didn't we travel instead of being cooped up in hiding, in your den, rutting like penguins or ostriches or lions on the leather cushion and couches and chairs and rugs? (c)Rutting ostriches!
Q:
It was as if a copious galleon of wintry water had been surreptitiously poured over his hansom head. He sat stonily and goggled explicitly and gaped impassively as if he were a fish precipitously extracted from its appropriately aqueous environment. He boisterously, wordlessly, softly sputtered like a boiling tea kettle. He stolidly sat like an ancient, moss-overgrown statue from the radiantly fragrant gardens that the noble city was plenteously, bountifully endowed with.
She contentiously got up and stylishly walked away, her amethystine dress swirling about her ankles, fondly remembering his exquisite, superb physique and form of his well-proportionate, muscled body. (c) Yeah, pouring water on someone's head is best done surreptitiosly! Didn't we know that?
Q:
"Here you are."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"Thanks," Callie said too.
"And you're welcome too." (c)
Q:
"If we did merge what will that do to the depreciation do you think?" ...
"The depreciation thing is worrying you I think."
"It's always a worry, isn't it?"
"Well it's different on shipping than on software I'm pretty sure."
"We'll make a lot of money if we merge though. We both know that." (c)
Q:
No Dopplering dotcom plummet to eat a terminal snack of pigeonflavored pavement after the dead cat bounce. No jolt of autocratic asphyxiation, wrenching the Apex Data Ruler the way he wrenched himself in the wee of the night when he lay prostate on his back and no one could hear him ejaculate Margaret's name into the Sealy Serta mattress drenched with the carnal effluents of desire. No tragic grandiose flinging of the BellSouth fiber=optic wiring over the rafter beam since there wasn't one, positioning the SemperFidic ergonomic office chair, looping the Jimmy Hendrix original hand-made collectable silk necktie neck, kicking the spinning chair across the anti-static mat cleated like Beckum's soccer shoes to the migraine Millikin Carpet, kicking the climate controlled air with its direction adjustable hypoallergenic louvers, kicking the generic afterlife. There was always Valium. (c)
Q:
"Is there a reason why you asked me to come here, Richard?" Then she lowered her voice to a husky contralto. "Or should I call you Dick?" (c)
Q:
"Oh, you know." Richard Isaacs crossed his legs casually, like a king sitting upon his throne and examining a peasant who had come to him in supplication.
"Don't quote "Alice in Wonderland" to me," she quietly seethed. (c)
Q:
There was an elegant, gracious, wide stairway to the second floor that had gilt on the black iron
railing. It was orthogonal and it curved around it. (c)
Q:
The French windows in the vestibule were open to the patio, and the sound of tennis games came in, and the scintillating, witty, sparkling chatter from the black wrought iron tables and chairs with all their twisting twining cingulated vines in their arms and legs there, where lunch was being served and the smell of the food came in, too. (c)
Q:
but there were other members who were retrogressive and onward-thinking (c)
Q:
Elegantly, She walked up the stairs. The gown swished mysteriously about her legs. The sparkling mirror in the stairway considerately let her prudentially endeavor to carefully check her hair and jewelry. The artificial, incandescent light did not become her. It unflatteringly made her verdant dress and gold necklace look ghastly unbecoming. But nothing could, in its worst efforts, made her look less than marvelously stunning, could really detract from her gorgeous beauty and loveliness and she hurriedly took arctic comfort and consolation in that. (c)
Q:
She urgently meandered down the marmoreal hallway to the opulent, exotic, expansive bar. It was very, very crowded and odorously noisy. All the men instantly stopped and ardently looked at her. She wearisomely sighs. She was getting very tired of the way all the men instantly stopped and ardently looked at her voluptuous body and long blonde hair and her vermilion dress and her gold watch with the diamonds.
...
The bartender sagaciously nods. He competently takes a crystal glass. He swiftly gets the cold ice and put it in the empty glass. Consequently, he gets the imported, foreign vodka and put it in the glass with the red, opaque tomato juice. He sticks a fair wedge of easy lemon on the edge of it and promptly gives her it.
...
The comfortable chair was brown leather and very nice. She liked it.
And she was here in the bar.
Alone.
It was nice.
No one would talk here. (c)
Q:
"Irena," he pontificates. "You are the daughter of Isaac Stevens. I will reveal your dark secret to your father unless you allow me to have my way with you."
"No," exclaimed she, horror stuck.
"Yes," grated he, harshly.
"You will not!" expostulated she.
"I will reveal your dark secret!" exclaimed he.
"I will not allow you to have you way with me!" she avowed.
"You will!" he averted.
"No, you won't reveal my dark secret," threatened she, numbly. "My father will never believe you."
"I will, and he will," exerted her.
"You won't and he won't," claimed he.
"I will, and he will," remonstrated he.
"You won't," explained she, in an explanatory tone of voice. (c)
September 10, 2013
I am the author of Chapter 39. And I can testify that it is very, very HARD to write badly.
I set a number of ground rules for myself: maximal cursing and four-letter words. Per Ursula LeGuin's dictum, using "ichor". Nothing could happen and it would go nowhere. And, as dictated by the basic setup, I had no idea what any of the other authors were doing.
I am sorry to report that it was impossible. Conflict and character insisted upon appearing. People kept doing things. I did manage to make Bruce an Asian American, which means that he is a white man only about 80 percent of the time and black the other 15 percent. But alas! that was all I could accomplish. Sorry, everybody! We will do worse next time.
I set a number of ground rules for myself: maximal cursing and four-letter words. Per Ursula LeGuin's dictum, using "ichor". Nothing could happen and it would go nowhere. And, as dictated by the basic setup, I had no idea what any of the other authors were doing.
I am sorry to report that it was impossible. Conflict and character insisted upon appearing. People kept doing things. I did manage to make Bruce an Asian American, which means that he is a white man only about 80 percent of the time and black the other 15 percent. But alas! that was all I could accomplish. Sorry, everybody! We will do worse next time.
December 12, 2010
“Atlanta Nights” is probably the worst book ever written. And it’s also one of the best reads you’ll ever have in your life. Before you dismiss me as some crazy person, read on. In 2004, a group of science fiction and fantasy authors decided to expose a supposedly traditional publishing house, PublishAmerica, to actually being a vanity press.
Under the “direction” of James D. MacDonald, the group of authors – each writing only one chapter with only basic knowledge of the overall plot and/or characters, except their names – conceived a novel called “Atlanta Nights”. Oh, boy, and what a beautiful mess it is!
To just give you a vague idea of how this looks like: there are 41 chapters, out which one is missing, two recount the same event, but in a totally different way, two chapters are identical copies of each other, two different chapters share the same chapter number and one was written by a computer program using words from all the previous chapters.
The result is so bad, it’s hilarious! It simply kept me glued, for I couldn’t resist the curiosity of finding what sort of crazy abomination the next page holds. Generally, “Atlanta Nights” is a crime/drama/erotic novel with elements of supernatural, filled with every possible cliché you could have ever imagined. All the females are gorgeous, with perfect measures, no matter of their age. The same goes for all the males. Needless to say, the “plot” is so convoluted and inconsistent, you won’t know who is fucking who by the end, and everyone is fucking at least someone, mostly for no apparent reason. This has more sex and sleaze than some porno films.
On top of that, characters change appearances and relationships from chapter to chapter. For example, Yvonne Perrin is first and older but beautiful blonde, then she’s a younger but beautiful blonde, then in one chapter she suddenly turns into a voluptuous, fiery readhead, than returns to being blonde. Bruce Lucent, the famous software developer and one of the central characters, is a lean – you could say ordinary – man. Then he becomes sort of chubby, and in the next instance – he has rock-hard abs, and even rips one of his stitches (courtesy of an injury) with his raging libido. Callie Archer, Bruce’s future wife, suddenly becomes his sister – the younger sister, despite Bruce being in his 20’s and she in 40’s. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg.
As for the quality of writing, the idea was to do it as badly as possible. There are constant grammar errors, inconsistent formatting, and so on. Some chapters sort of tackle a common writer’s mistake – for example, one chapter is deliberately written with the excessive overabundance of adjectives. In this way, “Atlanta Nights” may also serve as a guide to aspiring authors on how not to write and avoid these very mistakes.
Other than that, the writing is pure trash. Not once it had me almost in stitches. Some of the sentences are pure comedy gold. Like:
A thigh-length black skirt covered her voluptuous chest and buttocks. Below the perfect hem of the dress, her legs reached exactly to the floor.
Or the conversations:
"How horrid!" [said Irene]
"Indeed. But I face the horrid every day, Miss Stevens." [said Det. Venice]
"How do you do it?"
"With a strong stomach and a thousand push-ups every morning."
And this novel is just overflowing with stuff like that.
Naturally, as a “real” book, this is an abomination, as intended. As a spoof, it’s simply hilarious in ways you couldn’t even imagine. Oh, and if you wonder what had happened to the manuscript, if it got accepted by PublishAmerica – it did. But when the authors revealed it as a hoax, PA retracted the acceptance, stating that “after further review, the manuscript did not meet their standards’. You don’t say? Afterwards, the novel got published for real, by a print-on-demand publisher, Lulu, under the pseudonym Travis Tea. The original manuscript is available for free download in PDF format here.
Highly recommended, for laughs.
Under the “direction” of James D. MacDonald, the group of authors – each writing only one chapter with only basic knowledge of the overall plot and/or characters, except their names – conceived a novel called “Atlanta Nights”. Oh, boy, and what a beautiful mess it is!
To just give you a vague idea of how this looks like: there are 41 chapters, out which one is missing, two recount the same event, but in a totally different way, two chapters are identical copies of each other, two different chapters share the same chapter number and one was written by a computer program using words from all the previous chapters.
The result is so bad, it’s hilarious! It simply kept me glued, for I couldn’t resist the curiosity of finding what sort of crazy abomination the next page holds. Generally, “Atlanta Nights” is a crime/drama/erotic novel with elements of supernatural, filled with every possible cliché you could have ever imagined. All the females are gorgeous, with perfect measures, no matter of their age. The same goes for all the males. Needless to say, the “plot” is so convoluted and inconsistent, you won’t know who is fucking who by the end, and everyone is fucking at least someone, mostly for no apparent reason. This has more sex and sleaze than some porno films.
On top of that, characters change appearances and relationships from chapter to chapter. For example, Yvonne Perrin is first and older but beautiful blonde, then she’s a younger but beautiful blonde, then in one chapter she suddenly turns into a voluptuous, fiery readhead, than returns to being blonde. Bruce Lucent, the famous software developer and one of the central characters, is a lean – you could say ordinary – man. Then he becomes sort of chubby, and in the next instance – he has rock-hard abs, and even rips one of his stitches (courtesy of an injury) with his raging libido. Callie Archer, Bruce’s future wife, suddenly becomes his sister – the younger sister, despite Bruce being in his 20’s and she in 40’s. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg.
As for the quality of writing, the idea was to do it as badly as possible. There are constant grammar errors, inconsistent formatting, and so on. Some chapters sort of tackle a common writer’s mistake – for example, one chapter is deliberately written with the excessive overabundance of adjectives. In this way, “Atlanta Nights” may also serve as a guide to aspiring authors on how not to write and avoid these very mistakes.
Other than that, the writing is pure trash. Not once it had me almost in stitches. Some of the sentences are pure comedy gold. Like:
A thigh-length black skirt covered her voluptuous chest and buttocks. Below the perfect hem of the dress, her legs reached exactly to the floor.
Or the conversations:
"How horrid!" [said Irene]
"Indeed. But I face the horrid every day, Miss Stevens." [said Det. Venice]
"How do you do it?"
"With a strong stomach and a thousand push-ups every morning."
And this novel is just overflowing with stuff like that.
Naturally, as a “real” book, this is an abomination, as intended. As a spoof, it’s simply hilarious in ways you couldn’t even imagine. Oh, and if you wonder what had happened to the manuscript, if it got accepted by PublishAmerica – it did. But when the authors revealed it as a hoax, PA retracted the acceptance, stating that “after further review, the manuscript did not meet their standards’. You don’t say? Afterwards, the novel got published for real, by a print-on-demand publisher, Lulu, under the pseudonym Travis Tea. The original manuscript is available for free download in PDF format here.
Highly recommended, for laughs.
July 29, 2021
Put shortly, this is a masterpiece.
Longer version: a publisher called PublishAmerica, "known" by all to be a vanity press, decided to make the terrible mistake of publicly condemning and criticising all of SF and fantasy genre as well as SF/fantasy authors, claiming that "the quality bar for sci-fi and fantasy is a lot lower than for all other fiction". This prompted said SF and fantasy authors to wage a little war against PublishAmerica.
A group of about 30 SF and fantasy authors got together to purposely write a REALLY BAD book, and then have it published by PublishAmerica to prove that PA were indeed a vanity press.
For those who don't know - as I didn't when I first embarked on this splendiferous journey of discovery - a vanity press is a publishing house that earns money by accepting payments from authors and not by selling books. This means that, as long as the author pays to have their book published - irrespective of the actual quality of the book - the publisher makes money. This is what PublishAmerica vehemently defended against, saying they only accepted "high quality manuscript for publication".
So the group of authors got together on their quest. They each wrote a single chapter of the book, without having any idea on the overall plot of the story. They had a pool of characters, but these characters frequently changed appearance, race, occupation and on occasion even gender throughout the book. The book is riddled with spelling mistakes and its stylistic quality is... dubious to say the least. One chapter is missing, one chapter is completely written by a computer program and two chapters are identical (4 and 17). And all of it is GLORIOUS because you know the backstory. I swear this is a masterpiece.
Additionally, the initials of characters in the book spell out the phrase "PublishAmerica is a vanity press": Penelope Urbain, Bruce Lucent, Irene Stevens, Henry Archer, Margaret Eastman, Richard Isaacs, Callie Archer, Isaac Stevens, Andrew Venice, Arthur Nance, Isadore Trent, Yvonne Perrin, Rory Edwards, Stephen Suffern
You know, I hafts tell by that big old man declared. “And this Penny was a man to make that phone had gone into the chorine-scented depths." That man grabbed Callie, too. He, he had done "Tricks are ears."
The book was sent to the publisher and accepted for publication. It wasn't until the authors went public with the whole travesty (Travis Tea :D ) that the publisher pulled back on the offer.
Well-deserved 5 stars from me.
Longer version: a publisher called PublishAmerica, "known" by all to be a vanity press, decided to make the terrible mistake of publicly condemning and criticising all of SF and fantasy genre as well as SF/fantasy authors, claiming that "the quality bar for sci-fi and fantasy is a lot lower than for all other fiction". This prompted said SF and fantasy authors to wage a little war against PublishAmerica.
A group of about 30 SF and fantasy authors got together to purposely write a REALLY BAD book, and then have it published by PublishAmerica to prove that PA were indeed a vanity press.
For those who don't know - as I didn't when I first embarked on this splendiferous journey of discovery - a vanity press is a publishing house that earns money by accepting payments from authors and not by selling books. This means that, as long as the author pays to have their book published - irrespective of the actual quality of the book - the publisher makes money. This is what PublishAmerica vehemently defended against, saying they only accepted "high quality manuscript for publication".
So the group of authors got together on their quest. They each wrote a single chapter of the book, without having any idea on the overall plot of the story. They had a pool of characters, but these characters frequently changed appearance, race, occupation and on occasion even gender throughout the book. The book is riddled with spelling mistakes and its stylistic quality is... dubious to say the least. One chapter is missing, one chapter is completely written by a computer program and two chapters are identical (4 and 17). And all of it is GLORIOUS because you know the backstory. I swear this is a masterpiece.
Additionally, the initials of characters in the book spell out the phrase "PublishAmerica is a vanity press": Penelope Urbain, Bruce Lucent, Irene Stevens, Henry Archer, Margaret Eastman, Richard Isaacs, Callie Archer, Isaac Stevens, Andrew Venice, Arthur Nance, Isadore Trent, Yvonne Perrin, Rory Edwards, Stephen Suffern
You know, I hafts tell by that big old man declared. “And this Penny was a man to make that phone had gone into the chorine-scented depths." That man grabbed Callie, too. He, he had done "Tricks are ears."
The book was sent to the publisher and accepted for publication. It wasn't until the authors went public with the whole travesty (Travis Tea :D ) that the publisher pulled back on the offer.
Well-deserved 5 stars from me.
March 24, 2013
I have read many mystery novels in my time, but few as engaging as Atlanta Nights. Very few novels are able to reach its depth of character. The novel concerns the death of Henry Archer, a multimillionaire businessman. Even when dead, he remains a force over everyone who met him, like his spirit just won't go away. Most of the book details the lives of the people who knew him and how they cope with his death, but there always seems to be something sinister lurking in the background.
A brief plot summary: Henry Archer was in a car accident with the protagonist, Bruce Lucent, who struggles to recover his memory of the accident. Or was it an accident? Meanwhile Bruce has to take care of his software company, while also dealing with the many women in his life. Bruce's character is well realised, and his struggles with dealing with his newfound disability as he tries to manage everything in his life are extremely realistic.
Most of the other suspects are well drawn, and Travis Tea does a good job in diverting suspicion between them. By the end it seems that anyone could have helped the accident along: One of the patrons of the elegant Polo Club who may not have liked him as much as they say, businessmen who want to buy Henry's company, even Henry's lovely wife who has come into considerable fortune. I would criticize Steven Suffern as being a rather flat character though, despite Tea's efforts I doubt anyone reasonably suspected him.
The solution to the mystery was considered controversial when the book was first released, and is still hotly debated among mystery lovers. I personally love it. It's very well clued; each chapter points conclusively to the true murderer and yet I don't think many people will manage to solve it. I won't go into any spoilers, but suffice to say that the wrong person is arrested, there are mental breakdowns and everyone is holding a dark secret to form a web of lies that only detective Andrew Venice can unravel.
I've focused mainly on the mystery elements, but the rest of it works well too. The author has obviously done a lot of research into how a business runs, and these scenes fly off the page. Tea also clearly knows how to write a good romance. Broken hearts are everywhere by the end, but you still manage to feel happy for the people who manage to live happily ever after.
In short, Atlanta Nights is a wonderful mystery which will please everyone; I would not hesitate to call it an unparalleled masterpiece of our time.
A brief plot summary: Henry Archer was in a car accident with the protagonist, Bruce Lucent, who struggles to recover his memory of the accident. Or was it an accident? Meanwhile Bruce has to take care of his software company, while also dealing with the many women in his life. Bruce's character is well realised, and his struggles with dealing with his newfound disability as he tries to manage everything in his life are extremely realistic.
Most of the other suspects are well drawn, and Travis Tea does a good job in diverting suspicion between them. By the end it seems that anyone could have helped the accident along: One of the patrons of the elegant Polo Club who may not have liked him as much as they say, businessmen who want to buy Henry's company, even Henry's lovely wife who has come into considerable fortune. I would criticize Steven Suffern as being a rather flat character though, despite Tea's efforts I doubt anyone reasonably suspected him.
The solution to the mystery was considered controversial when the book was first released, and is still hotly debated among mystery lovers. I personally love it. It's very well clued; each chapter points conclusively to the true murderer and yet I don't think many people will manage to solve it. I won't go into any spoilers, but suffice to say that the wrong person is arrested, there are mental breakdowns and everyone is holding a dark secret to form a web of lies that only detective Andrew Venice can unravel.
I've focused mainly on the mystery elements, but the rest of it works well too. The author has obviously done a lot of research into how a business runs, and these scenes fly off the page. Tea also clearly knows how to write a good romance. Broken hearts are everywhere by the end, but you still manage to feel happy for the people who manage to live happily ever after.
In short, Atlanta Nights is a wonderful mystery which will please everyone; I would not hesitate to call it an unparalleled masterpiece of our time.
July 29, 2012
Atlanta Knights is a book. With a storie. When you've finished, you won't believe what you just read.
February 20, 2017
Oh how I love this book.
Don't get me wrong, I like good books, good stories, characters that are well thought out, plots that are well thought through.
Sometimes though you want something different. Very different in this case.
Now it is better written than many stories on Wattpad or Fanfiction.net. The authors are just to good to actually write horrible. But instead of terrible written by utter beginners and hacks this is terrible written by good authors. A refreshing difference as this book goes places few go.
It takes a number of times reading just to pick up all the mistakes. Like re-watching that movie just to pick up all the little hints and pokes. Not every chapter is bile-ish greatness but there are a few that are very very badly written in such a way that it allures you.
Take Chapter 10, I love that chapter, it is full of flaws yet you so easily read over them. This doesn't just abuses adjectives, this doesn't just tortures consistency, this doesn't just makes you scared to read it at first. Oh no, this dares to go worse yet it is written in pretty decent if utterly wrong English.
Chapter 10 truly is the more sophisticated version of Eye of Argon. And for those who studied English, literature or just have an interresting in those it is truly a wonder to behold. Try to play the game spot the consistency error, what tense are we in, what the hell does this sentence even means?
And that is just one chapter. Every writer has put his or her own spin of terrible unto it. Some are closer to the usual fanfiction.net drab you read. Other times it is hilariously wrong yet enticing you to read more.
And yes the background story. The whole, this is a sting, written to be bad. But you can learn so much from this. There is no way you read this story and don't laugh.
So highly suggested to everybody who needs a laugh. And even more highly suggested to those who study English or English Literature. And for whoever wants to become a writer, oh you'll love this. Just LEARN from it!
Don't get me wrong, I like good books, good stories, characters that are well thought out, plots that are well thought through.
Sometimes though you want something different. Very different in this case.
Now it is better written than many stories on Wattpad or Fanfiction.net. The authors are just to good to actually write horrible. But instead of terrible written by utter beginners and hacks this is terrible written by good authors. A refreshing difference as this book goes places few go.
It takes a number of times reading just to pick up all the mistakes. Like re-watching that movie just to pick up all the little hints and pokes. Not every chapter is bile-ish greatness but there are a few that are very very badly written in such a way that it allures you.
Take Chapter 10, I love that chapter, it is full of flaws yet you so easily read over them. This doesn't just abuses adjectives, this doesn't just tortures consistency, this doesn't just makes you scared to read it at first. Oh no, this dares to go worse yet it is written in pretty decent if utterly wrong English.
Chapter 10 truly is the more sophisticated version of Eye of Argon. And for those who studied English, literature or just have an interresting in those it is truly a wonder to behold. Try to play the game spot the consistency error, what tense are we in, what the hell does this sentence even means?
And that is just one chapter. Every writer has put his or her own spin of terrible unto it. Some are closer to the usual fanfiction.net drab you read. Other times it is hilariously wrong yet enticing you to read more.
And yes the background story. The whole, this is a sting, written to be bad. But you can learn so much from this. There is no way you read this story and don't laugh.
So highly suggested to everybody who needs a laugh. And even more highly suggested to those who study English or English Literature. And for whoever wants to become a writer, oh you'll love this. Just LEARN from it!
May 22, 2014
It, uh, delivers exactly what it promises. It's a really, really terrible book.
April 2, 2014
This was hideously genius. God bless my student for recommending it to me because it truly was a beautiful hot mess.
May 8, 2020
Usually stuff that's purposefully bad fails and sucks but this book pulls off some fun tricks. It was written to fuck over a publisher over everything else so it never tries to get clever, it's just earnestly bad. Every chapter is poorly written in its own unique way so the book never wears out its welcome and stays really entertaining throughout.
October 23, 2018
An audacious tale of sex, romance, money and power that will not fail to amaze you and leave you quivering with emotion.
December 20, 2013
Okay, this gets a special review because it wasn't reallyyyyy a book haha.
I know the story, and if you are reading this, then you probably know it, too. Give it a read. I wanted to support the writers in their effort, and I'm glad I did, because it was a good cause for the benefit of all writers.
I was hoping it would be a great "how to not" manual, but, sadly for PublishAmerica, it was so poorly done that a monkey would know it's not well made!
That being said, as bad as it is, its hysterical, which is the only reason why people should read it. There are bombastic lines here and there that make you laugh out loud.
I am dismayed to say that I didn't finish it. Pure humor novels often bore me if they are long. This has some meat to it, and I started skimming. The story does suck, but it was designed to, so I don't blame the writers. It would be nice if they at least made an interesting but hilariously formatted tale, then I would give it 5/5.
Alas, I wasn't able to finish it, but please check it out if you are a writer! 4/5, which sounds bad...but it's miles high for a book I didn't read cover to cover. But it deserves every star and probably more :)
I know the story, and if you are reading this, then you probably know it, too. Give it a read. I wanted to support the writers in their effort, and I'm glad I did, because it was a good cause for the benefit of all writers.
I was hoping it would be a great "how to not" manual, but, sadly for PublishAmerica, it was so poorly done that a monkey would know it's not well made!
That being said, as bad as it is, its hysterical, which is the only reason why people should read it. There are bombastic lines here and there that make you laugh out loud.
I am dismayed to say that I didn't finish it. Pure humor novels often bore me if they are long. This has some meat to it, and I started skimming. The story does suck, but it was designed to, so I don't blame the writers. It would be nice if they at least made an interesting but hilariously formatted tale, then I would give it 5/5.
Alas, I wasn't able to finish it, but please check it out if you are a writer! 4/5, which sounds bad...but it's miles high for a book I didn't read cover to cover. But it deserves every star and probably more :)
January 10, 2024
Ow, my sides.
I won't recount the epic tale of how and why Atlanta Nights was written on purpose to be the worst book ever (it's worth looking up, though), but let's just say it succeeded in everything it tried to do. I have nothing but deep admiration for the authors of this book: they could have written any kind of unpublishable garbage, but they chose to make it hilarious unpublishable garbage. Tin-eared similes and metaphors, an army of typos, unbelievable dialogue, thundering cliche storms, characters randomly changing gender, ethnicity and family status (the only way to describe the plot of this thing is with "space is warped and time is bendable" from that MST3K episode). Any writing pratfall you can think of, these writers did it in this book, and did it beautifully. I was cackling like a witch the entire time while I was reading, and really, sometimes that's all you can ask for. Well, maybe not all you can ask for, but you're getting it regardless.
I salute these writing heroes.
I won't recount the epic tale of how and why Atlanta Nights was written on purpose to be the worst book ever (it's worth looking up, though), but let's just say it succeeded in everything it tried to do. I have nothing but deep admiration for the authors of this book: they could have written any kind of unpublishable garbage, but they chose to make it hilarious unpublishable garbage. Tin-eared similes and metaphors, an army of typos, unbelievable dialogue, thundering cliche storms, characters randomly changing gender, ethnicity and family status (the only way to describe the plot of this thing is with "space is warped and time is bendable" from that MST3K episode). Any writing pratfall you can think of, these writers did it in this book, and did it beautifully. I was cackling like a witch the entire time while I was reading, and really, sometimes that's all you can ask for. Well, maybe not all you can ask for, but you're getting it regardless.
I salute these writing heroes.
August 4, 2010
The sole reason I didn't name the shelf for my least favorite books "Worst Books Ever." If I hadn't known it were all intentional, I would have lost all faith in humanity. Fortunately, I read the Wikipedia article before the actual book and it stands as one of the funniest things I've ever read. "He had once killed a man with his bare hands and he would do it again, provided he could put something in his bare hands like a knife or a gun to kill a man with." ...No ordinary person can write something like that...
The score as it stand: Fantasy and science fiction writers: Over nine thousand; PublishAmerica: Zero.
The score as it stand: Fantasy and science fiction writers: Over nine thousand; PublishAmerica: Zero.
February 3, 2014
This was a re-read, and it was every bit as mind-boggling and giggle-inducing second time around.
ATLANTA NIGHTS is possibly the best intentionally-badly-written book out there. Chapter 10, for example, is a masterclass in adverb abuse. There are homophone errors aplenty, egregious lapses in continuity and enough head-hopping to induce travel sickness.
And yet, for all their valiant efforts, those behind "Travis Tea" couldn't quite lower the bar to EYE OF ARGON or MOON PEOPLE levels.
They couldn't help themselves, some of it even makes sense for heaven's sake!
A fun read, for a great cause.
ATLANTA NIGHTS is possibly the best intentionally-badly-written book out there. Chapter 10, for example, is a masterclass in adverb abuse. There are homophone errors aplenty, egregious lapses in continuity and enough head-hopping to induce travel sickness.
And yet, for all their valiant efforts, those behind "Travis Tea" couldn't quite lower the bar to EYE OF ARGON or MOON PEOPLE levels.
They couldn't help themselves, some of it even makes sense for heaven's sake!
A fun read, for a great cause.
August 31, 2016
While this may have been written in order to prove that PublishAmerica had no ethics or editorial sense, the book is a fun read. And still makes more sense than sparkly vampires. It not very satisfying, but it is the epitome of the horrid self-published novel. It's kinds funny when you look at the whole thing, with characters and whole plotlines changing from chapter-to-chapter. It is also considerably easier to read knowing it was done on purpose.
Read
March 30, 2013What I got from reading this is that decent authors attempting to write the worst thing they could come up with was still better than a lot of the terribleness by genuinely inept authors you see in the really awful fiction/fanfic.
Not the worst book ever written.
Not the worst book ever written.
November 4, 2008
The best and worst book I have ever written
April 14, 2023
This book has it all! It has strange spacing, blank pages, repeating chapters, terrible run-on sentences, a high disregard for grammar, and many misspellings. It has a “plot”, “consistent character descriptions”, and a “timeline”… I’m not sure of what else you can even ask for.
I have no idea what many characters eye or hair colors actually are after the varying descriptions. Bruce’s race changes, as does Isadore’s gender (I think). I actually started to lose track of everybody, but I don’t think what I missed mattered that much. The amount of rock-hard muscles and graceful breasts scares me, as everyone’s bodies do things that should not be possible. Character motivations are, I think, to have sex or be attractive and inspire sex. Things such as murder, affairs, and dismemberment are garnishes on how sexy everybody is (at best). Chapter 34 is unintelligible, and my favorite. Name spellings, pronouns, and perspective change multiple times. The metaphors are fascinating, but there is practically a whole chapter dedicated to bra-shopping, and so much lengthy listing of options or surrounding items. The descriptions……the descriptions……..This is less of a book with some terrible lines than a terrible book with the occasional (accidental?) good writing.
Here is a collection of some of my favorite quotes.
“Yvonne Perrin stood up and walked over to the waiter and took the shot glass full of vodka and poured it out in a planter that held a spindly rubber tree that never got enough light to grow properly even though it was near one of the windows that looked out onto the late where some ducks were floating like they were waiting for someone to throw them some bread but there was nobody there at this time of day.”
“He sat stonily and giggled explicitly and gaped impassively as if he were a fish precipitously extracted from its appropriately aqueous environment.”
“Rory,’ called Bruce, lisping slightly. ‘Have you seen my hard drive? I’m a software developer, you know.”
“Callie stepped out of the car and shook the chill from her voluptuous bones.”
“But my parents were white! Honkies! The oppressor to the brother!’ Bruce roared menacingly.”
“So did I,’ Yvonne said, replying to him.”
“She rushed to the door, undulating provocatively as she strode impetuously across the deeply carpeted floor.”
Ultimately, a potential reader could just picture this last quote repeated for the 287 pages instead- but I would recommend having first-hand experience with this book.
“How is business, or should I even ask?’ said Isadore, with his red hair pulled back in a casual yet stylish ponytail, hard-bodied, and gushing sex appeal as only a 20-year-old young man could, in his very prime of existence and radical experience of life. He had no need to stare at the women passing by, because they continuously stared at him, watched his redheaded careless macho yet a sensitive ponytail, his rippling muscles concealed under neat causal wear. He drew them like a magnet drew hungry flies.”
I have no idea what many characters eye or hair colors actually are after the varying descriptions. Bruce’s race changes, as does Isadore’s gender (I think). I actually started to lose track of everybody, but I don’t think what I missed mattered that much. The amount of rock-hard muscles and graceful breasts scares me, as everyone’s bodies do things that should not be possible. Character motivations are, I think, to have sex or be attractive and inspire sex. Things such as murder, affairs, and dismemberment are garnishes on how sexy everybody is (at best). Chapter 34 is unintelligible, and my favorite. Name spellings, pronouns, and perspective change multiple times. The metaphors are fascinating, but there is practically a whole chapter dedicated to bra-shopping, and so much lengthy listing of options or surrounding items. The descriptions……the descriptions……..This is less of a book with some terrible lines than a terrible book with the occasional (accidental?) good writing.
Here is a collection of some of my favorite quotes.
“Yvonne Perrin stood up and walked over to the waiter and took the shot glass full of vodka and poured it out in a planter that held a spindly rubber tree that never got enough light to grow properly even though it was near one of the windows that looked out onto the late where some ducks were floating like they were waiting for someone to throw them some bread but there was nobody there at this time of day.”
“He sat stonily and giggled explicitly and gaped impassively as if he were a fish precipitously extracted from its appropriately aqueous environment.”
“Rory,’ called Bruce, lisping slightly. ‘Have you seen my hard drive? I’m a software developer, you know.”
“Callie stepped out of the car and shook the chill from her voluptuous bones.”
“But my parents were white! Honkies! The oppressor to the brother!’ Bruce roared menacingly.”
“So did I,’ Yvonne said, replying to him.”
“She rushed to the door, undulating provocatively as she strode impetuously across the deeply carpeted floor.”
Ultimately, a potential reader could just picture this last quote repeated for the 287 pages instead- but I would recommend having first-hand experience with this book.
“How is business, or should I even ask?’ said Isadore, with his red hair pulled back in a casual yet stylish ponytail, hard-bodied, and gushing sex appeal as only a 20-year-old young man could, in his very prime of existence and radical experience of life. He had no need to stare at the women passing by, because they continuously stared at him, watched his redheaded careless macho yet a sensitive ponytail, his rippling muscles concealed under neat causal wear. He drew them like a magnet drew hungry flies.”
July 21, 2023
This is easily the funniest book I've ever read. I feel like it shouldn't be though. It's not particularly tightly controlled, and was rushed, but that kind of thing does often end up being funnier than the average very carefully plotted story - except for the ability to have an actually funny plot. Plot not really an applicable word here.
April 6, 2022
Wow
Just wow
Is this the best book ever created by humans? Possibly. It rivals My Immortal as one of the most wild rides I've ever partaken in
Seriously, if you love My Immortal or things of that ilk, do NOT sleep on this. What a t i m e
Just wow
Is this the best book ever created by humans? Possibly. It rivals My Immortal as one of the most wild rides I've ever partaken in
Seriously, if you love My Immortal or things of that ilk, do NOT sleep on this. What a t i m e
abandoned
May 9, 2008It's so bad it's good!
January 28, 2009
A book, I will pick up and read out loud a chapter at a time. It is that bad. Thoroughly enjoyable!
Read
August 1, 2011I honestly don't know how to rate this. It's brilliant in its horribleness. To purposefully write that bad takes a lot of talent.
March 30, 2012
A masterpiece of such incredible scope and brilliance that you will weep glorious tears.
August 8, 2012
This book is just...it just exists.
July 2, 2024
This is a review in progress, as reading this book is a task that should be savored, not rushed.
This is a mystery, written by a group of fantasy and/or science fiction authors. As a perspiring Aurthur myself, reading this lovely treatise gave me knew insights on plot, characterizations, proper use of ajdectives, spelling, gramdmer, and the use and abuse of tortured ruinon words, sentences, and paragraphs The main character is Bruce Lucent, which as you may recall was once a famous software company, but now trades one share on the Mumbai Stock Exchange at 123.65 rupees
Bruce Lucent was told he was in a terrible car accident, but he doesn't remember that, and by chapter 5 you may not either This was written in 2004 or so by Travis Tea, a famous computer program used to write gay love letters in the MUC outside Londonium. One chapter of this book was in fact written by a defendent of the original Travesti, which is a character in a Vicar Victorian burlesque plagued by the opposite or otherwise desired sex. All the men are hasom, all the women are brave and stunning, and blonde in a dressage of many colours. It's very confusing untiless I get into the Spiro of the Keats. An sex! So many sex! I will not describe do to the tender age of many of the recipients, about 20.
Also, I strongly recommend a listen to the excellent voice recording of this epic novel, on a video sight by an advertising and search enigma. Like a roulette wheel, the range of voice used are astounding, although digitalis it sounds as though the voice is actually analog.
Special request: I am develpoong an extremely open AI large model with language as inscribed by this book. But I need disparrotly terrabites of novels and love letter written in this same style to train my model. Does anyone know where I can find terrabites just like this? It's impotent.
This is a mystery, written by a group of fantasy and/or science fiction authors. As a perspiring Aurthur myself, reading this lovely treatise gave me knew insights on plot, characterizations, proper use of ajdectives, spelling, gramdmer, and the use and abuse of tortured ruinon words, sentences, and paragraphs The main character is Bruce Lucent, which as you may recall was once a famous software company, but now trades one share on the Mumbai Stock Exchange at 123.65 rupees
Bruce Lucent was told he was in a terrible car accident, but he doesn't remember that, and by chapter 5 you may not either This was written in 2004 or so by Travis Tea, a famous computer program used to write gay love letters in the MUC outside Londonium. One chapter of this book was in fact written by a defendent of the original Travesti, which is a character in a Vicar Victorian burlesque plagued by the opposite or otherwise desired sex. All the men are hasom, all the women are brave and stunning, and blonde in a dressage of many colours. It's very confusing untiless I get into the Spiro of the Keats. An sex! So many sex! I will not describe do to the tender age of many of the recipients, about 20.
Also, I strongly recommend a listen to the excellent voice recording of this epic novel, on a video sight by an advertising and search enigma. Like a roulette wheel, the range of voice used are astounding, although digitalis it sounds as though the voice is actually analog.
Special request: I am develpoong an extremely open AI large model with language as inscribed by this book. But I need disparrotly terrabites of novels and love letter written in this same style to train my model. Does anyone know where I can find terrabites just like this? It's impotent.
February 4, 2024
This book, written by numerous authors, was an attempt to call out a publisher who made disparaging remarks about science fiction authors. Each chapter was written by a unique author, working from a very general outline, and is purposely written “poorly”: Characters come and go, nationalities and motivations change, there are hilarious continuity issues, missing chapters (due to some authors not completing their assigned chapter on time), misspellings, some of the most ridiculous plot twists and sex scenes (disgusting and/or disgustingly written), and with some of the greatest dialogue ever (I found myself reading whole pages to friends and family). Does the book make sense - not really, but sort of? If you go in with the mentality that this is basically a broken soap opera, and you are a lover of the written word and a bit of a grammarian, you will be entertained. All aspiring authors should be required to read this.
February 12, 2022
I'm giving this a high star score because it is just as horribly written as it promises to be, thus making it one of the most hilarious things I've ever read in my life. I especially enjoyed the chapter written by the computer. I'd give some details of the plot except I'm still trying to figure out what the plot IS, or whether it even exists.
The promotional blurbs by various authors on the cover are also fantastic, almost funnier than the book itself.
The entire story behind the publishing of this Travis Tea of a book is also fantastic; it's what prompted me to buy it in the first place. If you're up for an entertaining (if not highly confusing) read and won't mind possibly losing a few brain cells in the process, I'd recommend giving this story a looksee at least once.
The promotional blurbs by various authors on the cover are also fantastic, almost funnier than the book itself.
The entire story behind the publishing of this Travis Tea of a book is also fantastic; it's what prompted me to buy it in the first place. If you're up for an entertaining (if not highly confusing) read and won't mind possibly losing a few brain cells in the process, I'd recommend giving this story a looksee at least once.
May 28, 2024
This was quite literally one of my favorite books of all time. I loved how things got steamy but then got frigid.. hot and cold... fire and ice.. too cold air conditioning and too hot sun.. frozen on one side and roasted on the other... it had me shivering and sweating at the same time.. you'll think you have a fever... fire and ice.. ice cream and jalapeño... ice water and steam....
this book will have you freezing on one side and roasting on the other... it'll make you fled uncomfortable like you have the flu and have a fever.
boiling on one side and freezing on the other. Like fire and ice...
*rubs their pepper and salt beard, brushes back their close trimmed hair.*
this book will have you freezing on one side and roasting on the other... it'll make you fled uncomfortable like you have the flu and have a fever.
boiling on one side and freezing on the other. Like fire and ice...
*rubs their pepper and salt beard, brushes back their close trimmed hair.*
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