We: An Adoption and a Memoir

by Ben Barnz

an adoption and a memoir centers on the story of Barnz adopting a child and the legal battle with the birthfather that began the day after the child's birth - and two days before 9/11. The book interweaves this narrative with Barnz's path to parenthood - beginning with his closeted youth in 1980's New York, a time when it was statistically more likely he would die from AIDS than become a father.Alternating between legal suspense story and memoir, we examines shifting gender roles in parenting as well as modern notions of family-construction, but ultimately we is a personal narrative with universal appeal. It delves into the complicated relationships that arise between birthparents and adoptive parents, between birthmothers and birthfathers, between parent and child, between married couples. In this story, as in life, empathy is revealed where, technically, none should exist; this book examines our desire to do better, be better- better people, better friends, better parents, better strangers, better ourselves. And in the end, it celebrates the potential we all have for forgiveness.Independent film producer Ben Barnz and his husband, filmmaker Daniel Barnz, make up "We're Not Brothers Productions" and have written, directed and produced the films Cake and Phoebe in Wonderland. They are currently developing an HBO pilot with Lena Dunham and a feature film with Brad Pitt's Plan B about Ryan Wash, an openly gay black debate champion.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, LGBT

242 pages, Paperback

Published November 6, 2018

Reviews

[Amy Ingalls]

I won a copy of this book in a Goodreads Giveaway.

[Luke McCalmont · Rating 1 out of 5]

I am the father of said child. My name is not Liam nor am I from Minnesota. I fought for my blood, my first born, my daughter, in two courts of this country. I was little money vs big money. The writer has no honor or dignity. Merely a selfish desire and a manipulative plot with the mother and it continued in the court system. It’s documented. My friends were present through it all. It was a poor example of our family court system. I still love my daughter to this day and hope she reads this review and seeks her true family, her blood, and wants to start a new chapter in her life. A chapter that doesn’t lie as this book has.

[Janet Lynch · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 This was a heartfelt story about Ben and Daniel and their journey through the adoption process. After birth mother, Emma, waives her parental rights, surprisingly, Liam, the birth father sues for custody. The book was beautifully written. My only complaint was how much the story jumped around in time. Even the flashbacks had flashbacks of their own!

[Eileen · Rating 3 out of 5]

A memoir about a same sex couple and their struggles with adoption. Hopefully things have improved since the early 2000s when this took place. I really felt for this couple and the hurdles they had to go through in order to make their family.

[Masha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved this. Raw and personal story, strong writing (in my humble opinion). Gay couple adopting a daughter just a day before 9/11. Legal suspense and relationship drama. Memoir by Ben Barnz

[Lois · Rating 3 out of 5]

The story of an adoption and a dispute with the biological father. I had a few quibbles with this very human story of two gay men who adopted the baby of a single Mom and then were involved in a legal dispute with the biological father.
Although all along you could figure how a just family law system might rule on the case, you could certainly feel for these fathers, for the Mom, and for the baby in the midst of it all.
Quibbles include: "he had a lumbering gate" uh...no... "she labored for 23 minutes" when she actually pushed for 23 minutes but labored for hours. This last one bothered me particularly in that it showed a bit less compassion for the Mom in this instance despite their gratitude for her great choice. Perhaps a rush-to-publish with a not very good copyeditor?

[Liz Gray · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent memoir about a gay couple and their 2001 adoption, which is belatedly and unexpectedly challenged by the baby’s birth father. Barnz does an excellent job of conveying the highs and lows of the process, and also gives us insight into his strong relationship with his husband. Their different personalities allow them to support each other effectively. This is one of those books that one is hard-pressed to put down—I read it in one day!

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

I made the mistake of starting this book on the subway, and was crying like a baby a few stops in. Ben's eloquent words and captivating writing style had me hooked from page one. I wanted to finish it in one sitting. It's memoir, a mystery and love story (well love stories, there is a lot love). This book was exactly what I needed right now.

[Mike · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredibly moving story of a an adoption by a gay couple, and the author's coming of age in 80's New York City. This book feels like a conversation with a wildly funny and deeply feeling person, and the pages slip past your fingers, even as they are clenched in concern with the potential outcome of the book. I look forward to reading what Ben Barnz will write next!

[pianogal · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to like this one more. I think if I had known the outcome, I might have, but it was just so gut-wrenching to get through this. Ugh. Glad they were so tough. It would have been interesting to know how much this whole ordeal cost them. They were obviously well off. Most of us probably couldn't have afforded an event like this.

[Marian Robinson · Rating 5 out of 5]

A passionate and touching story of love, parenting and the adoption journey. As an adoptive parent, I could relate to the anxiety the family goes through when their adoption is challenged and the difficulty of the wait for an adoption to become final. Candid and touching, this is a sweet memoir that any parent can relate to.

[Vicky Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rarely do I sit and read a book cover-to-cover, but Ben Barnz story of love for his adopted daughter and husband Daniel compelled me to know the whole story. The writing is crisp and precise, passionate and evocative. Now I want to know more about this family!

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

WE is about the creation of a family under uncertain conditions. Barnz writes with honesty and sensitivity -- and love. This is a beautifully-told story in a beautiful package.

[Elena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Page 15 and I was already crying.
How to explain the sentiment for a child to a childless public. Amazing.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 stars.

[Debra Mccall · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5...Loved their story. Lucky Zelda.

[Katie Bremer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful 💜

[Laura Chase · Rating 3 out of 5]

Beautifully written, but complicated. I feel for Ben and Daniel, but I also feel strongly for the birth father. It seems like the subject could have been handled with more nuance than it was.