All right, besties. Let's get to it.
This book was a colossal waste of time. And by that, I mean, that ever since it came out in 2019, I've been trying to find it easily and locally without having to buy it. Obviously, I haven't been searching for it everyday, but occasionally, I would peruse my tbr shelf and stumble upon this book again and think to myself, oh yeah! I really want to read that!
Well, silly fucking me for not reading the blurb more carefully. Silly fucking me for not paying attention to the plethora of negative reviews. Silly fucking me for falling for the title and like, the first line of the blurb.
Silly fucking me for perusing my tbr shelf, yet again, and deciding, fuck it, I'll get this book.
Which POV do you guys want this time? Let's do third. (Obviously, major major major spoilers ahead, folks).
Meet Eliza. Your friendly neighborhood jewelry store owner. She owns the lovely shop, Brooklyn Jewels, with her older sister, who is a happily married lesbian, desperately trying to get pregnant.
Eliza is on a horrible date at a bar when to top it all off, she sees that her old ex-boyfriend is now engaged to someone else. Her ex-boyfriend! Who was allergic to monogamy! She commiserates with the cute bartender Raj before heading back home to her sad and lonely life. Sometimes to make herself feel better, she takes pictures of herself wearing one of the engagement rings in her store and makes a draft of an Instagram post with it on. After drinking some wine, she chooses a gaudy ring to do her Instagram ritual and goes to bed.
Alas, when she wakes up, her sister alerts her with the dire news: Eliza accidentally posted the picture! To her 100,000 followers! But wait. Is that a bump in sales she sees? Are the pieces selling? This is crazy! She gained so many followers!
What if . . . and this is just a hypothetical . . . what if she just continued this ruse for longer?
She lets her sister, parents, and best friend know that this was all a mistake, but she convinces them that maintaining the ruse might be beneficial for the business. Her best friend Carmen decides that she will help Eliza find a groom using Tinder, where Carmen works. She organizes a meetup sort of thing at a local bar where a bunch of eligible bachelors come to essentially audition to be Eliza's husband. They're not really panning out, but she accidentally stumbles upon a handsome man Blake who just happens to be there.
Blake, understandably confused, inquires about the audition appearing to happen. Eliza endearingly lies and says that she's looking for a date to her relative's wedding. Blake cannot make it this weekend, but he asks her if she'd like to go out some time? Seeing as he's the owner of a stunningly nice watch company, she hastily agrees.
Their first date is, well, lackluster. Eliza feels no chemistry, there are awkward lulls in the conversation, she doesn't feel comfortable, and to top it all off, she rebuffs his kiss.
She goes home.
But, oh no! The rent for the space they lease is going up. Way, way up. She has to keep this marriage ruse going to boost sales. She's getting so many press opportunities, and let's not forget about the sponsorship deals. She's offered a free wedding space (what in the actual fuck?), a free wedding dress, so many free things. (literally, how?) Of course, she says yes! I mean, does she even have a groom in mind? No. But what a silly little thing to worry about.
Oh, of course, Blake! The guy she could not give three less shits about. She boldly asks to come over, and as soon as she's there, she says, "I like you." Spoiler alert: she does not. They have sex. Albeit a little awkwardly. With all the awkward pauses and weird lulls in the conversation. (Does this sound familiar?)
It's okay that she doesn't like Blake. He seems like a suitable match. She could grow to love him, right? And he doesn't have Instagram, which is perfect since he won't know about the fact that she has entirely lied about having a fiancee. Now all she has to do is convince him to marry her by October, which is in a few months (of course, her wedding date has already been booked).
This is just Eliza being a savvy businesswoman. She goes back to her local bar to drown her sorrows and talks comfortably with the cute bartender Raj. She eats food with her best friend Carmen. She listens to her sister's troubles with IVF. All while figuring out how to deal with the fact that she doesn't like Blake, but it's okay, right? Since she can grow to love him?
He asks her to a charity gala. She meets all of his friends, and no, she's not really comfortable there, but this is the life she wanted, right? The high-society life? A person recognizes her and nudges toward Blake to ask if he's the mysterious groom (Eliza has been keeping the groom's identity under wraps), and in dire turmoil, Eliza sweeps Blake outside to avoid having to answer anyone.
Blake is, as always, understandably confused by her sudden rush to take him outside in the middle of the gala, and though they've only known each other for a few weeks, she blurts out, "I'm falling in love with you."
Spoiler alert: she is not.
But wait! Blake admits that he is falling in love with her as well (how in the fuck??).
They continue their relationship. They're doing all the right things. She picks out a wedding dress with her sister and Carmen. He doesn't know that he's marrying her. She goes wedding cake tasting with Raj. Blake still doesn't know that he's marrying her. She continues to post on Instagram about a wedding that is possibly not happening. Meanwhile, the financial situation is getting more and more dire. Her sister needs more money to pay for IVF, and well, Eliza is at a loss. This ruse has to continue. Look at how much the sales are being boosted!
They meet each other's families. Everything's going a little fast, isn't it? And sure, it leaves a bad taste in her mouth whenever she says I love you, but that's normal to feel, right? They'll be a power couple. They're right for each other.
Blake decides that he's going to propose. He takes her on a yacht (a special surprise since Eliza's parents own a boating shop), but lo and behold, she forgot to tell him an important fact: she gets viciously seasick. Of course, in a proper relationship, they would have talked about this beforehand, but Eliza knows that in the rush of things, it's okay that it slipped her mind. He proposes. She nervously says yes. She throws up because she's seasick.
Of course, that isn't an omen or anything. But good. She has one month til the wedding she has already planned. Time to convince him to agree with the choices she's already made.
Oh, look at this wedding venue that magically had a cancellation for October 19! Who's going to pay for it? Hahaha, my parents will, yep, that's right, my parents, I'm not lying.
Oh, a dress? Got one right here! I'm just super speedy, yep! Photographer, caterer, all of that other stuff? Don't you worry about a thing!
Of course, they'll be spending the rest of their lives together, so it doesn't matter that their wedding is a little quick, right?
Ugh, fine. She can't take it anymore. It's weighing on her. He deserves to know the truth.
Blake: What in the fuck, Eliza? You just used me to create a wedding?
Eliza: Well, I'm sure I could actually grow to love you.
Blake: Get out.
She cries. She goes to her local bar to drown her sorrows. Oh, wait. Raj. The cute bartender. They've hung out a few times. They feel comfortable with each other. How did she not realize that they have a massive crush on each other? Everything is so simple with him. He organizes a party for her after she breaks up with Blake. He takes care of her by giving her free drinks. When they watch TV together, it's so comfortable.
Obviously, Raj is the one.
But Blake. She makes an offer to him. Would he fake marry her? A business proposal, if you will? A partnership in ways more important than romantic?
He says he'll think about it.
Meanwhile, she thinks about Raj. How could she not see it? The 3.7 times they hung out were so comfortable. There were no awkward silences or weird lulls in the conversation. This is, of course, the foremost way of judging the potential of a romantic relationship. Raj, the exceptionally good man, offers to fake marry her while they start real dating.
And, so, a few days before the wedding, she actually finds herself with a groom. They get married. They go on a honeymoon. The end.
Do you want to know the actual most unrealistic thing about this book? The fact that Raj's parents, an Indian couple who had an arranged marriage, wouldn't blink twice about showing up to their son's wedding that he invited them to a few days ago. My dude. Show me a set of Indian parents like this, and I will gladly pay you $30,000.
Anyway, to sum up why I didn't like this book: Eliza is actually a truly terrible person. Fake marriage tropes are cute because it's obviously fake, and both parties consent to the fake marriage. Then they real fall in love. Eliza here sucks. And then mysteriously realizes she's in love with the bartender who we see like, four times. Obviously, no redeeming points here.
Also, what was the fucking point of the novel? Was it a romance between her and Raj? Was it a romance between her and Blake? Was it just a character study into a really shitty person?
Hope this review brought you some enjoyment! Wishing you all more success in your romantic endeavors than these unfortunate characters. And I'm out.