The Hot Young Widows Club: Lessons on Survival from the Front Lines of Grief

by Nora McInerny Purmort, Nora McInerny

From the host of the popular podcast, Terrible, Thanks for Asking , comes a wise, humorous roadmap and caring resource for anyone going through the loss of a loved one—or even a difficult life moment.

In the span of a few weeks, thirty-something Nora McInerny had a miscarriage, lost her father to cancer, and lost her husband due to a brain tumor. Her life fell apart.

What Nora discovered during this dark time is that, when you’re in these hard moments, it can feel impossible to feel like even a shadow of the person you once were. People will give you all sorts of advice of how to hold onto your sanity and sense of self. But how exactly? How do you find that person again? Welcome to The Hot Young Widows Club , Nora’s response to the toughest questions about life’s biggest struggles.

The Hot Young Widows Club isn’t just for people who have lost a spouse, but an essential tool for anyone who has gone through a major life struggle. Based on her own experiences and those of the listeners dedicated to her podcast, Terrible, Thanks for Asking , Nora offers wise, heartfelt, and often humorous advice to anyone navigating a painful period in their lives. Full of practical guidance, Nora also reminds us that it’s still okay to laugh, despite your deep grief. She explores how readers can educate the people around them on what to do, what to say, and how to best to lend their support. Ultimately, this book is a space for people to recognize that they aren’t alone, and to learn how to get through life’s hardest moments with grace and humor, and even hope.

Genres: Nonfiction, Grief, Memoir, Self Help, Audiobook, Psychology, Biography

112 pages, Hardcover

Published April 30, 2019

Reviews

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I was 27 years old, a peer of mine tragically lost her young husband to a heart attack. She had two young children and a life that changed drastically overnight. Her seemingly healthy husband was gone. The first time I saw her after his death, I literally crossed the street to avoid talking to her because I simply didn't know what to say. I've experienced many more deaths since this event, some expected and some not, so I've learned what to say, but I feel even better equipped now that I've read Nora McInerny's book which is a wonderful guide through the world that is grief. Nora knows about grief, she had three tragic losses over a very short period of time. Her life unraveled and she gained membership into a club that she really didn't want entry into - a club of widows. This book is published by TED, an imprint of Simon and Schuster, and is a result of her TED talk about grief. The book is very small and I devoured it in one sitting. She offers anecdotes for how to be both a grieving person and a support person. Nora has a very conversational writing style and is hilarious and irreverent while offering some very practical advice. I highly recommend reading it as well as gifting it - which might be one of the best alternatives when you are struggling with what to say to someone that is grieving.

[Gretchen Rubin]

A fascinating consideration of the question: how do you survive grief? It inspired me to listen to McInerny's podcast, "Terrible, Thanks for Asking."

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

(3.5) In June 2016 I read It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too), McInerny’s memoir about losing her father and her husband to cancer and her second child to a miscarriage – all within a few weeks – when she was 31. In this short book, an expansion of her TED talk, she argues that we are all incompetent when it comes to grief. There’s no rule book for how to do it well or how to help other people who are experiencing a bereavement, and comparing one loss to another doesn’t help anyone. All the same, she does offer a few tips for what to do and what not to do, what to say and what not to say, and encourages the grieving to cut themselves some slack. I especially appreciated her rundown of the difference between pity and true empathy. “Pity keeps our hearts closed up, locked away. Empathy opens our heart up to the possibility that the pain of others could one day be our own pain.”

The Hot Young Widows Club (“a club I hope you never join”) is a secret Facebook group my sister joined after losing her husband to brain cancer in early 2015. It’s been a huge help to her, as was McInerny’s first book. McInerny has a follow-up memoir, No Happy Endings, coming out on March 26th, as well. (Releases on April 30, 2019.)

A favorite passage: “Grief is just one of the hard things you’ll experience in your life. Not just once, either. You’ll get multiple servings, even when you raise your hands and say, ‘Really. That’s enough now. I’d like to try the Joy if it’s still available?’”

[Ray · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book and was interested in it for reasons that had nothing to do with content. However, having said that and listened to this book, I found it had a lot of valuable and helpful insights. It has some gender oriented content, but the core of the book holds universal truths about grief. It was well structured and it's message was delivered in a very helpful way. I found the author to be engaging and sincere with enough integrity balanced with some levity. I found it worth my time for sure.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this in five minutes. Just kidding, but I did start it late last night and wake up early this morning to finish.

My best friend died of cancer two months ago. So while I'm not a hot young widow, I am a grieving young person whose life recently got turned upside down. Nora makes it clear that anyone affected by a loss, or anyone who cares about anyone else affected by a loss (so, all of us) can benefit from reading this book. Since my loss, it's been harder to connect with my normal circle of people / peers my own age. A lot of people simply don't, or think they can't, "get" it - and that makes sense. Before my own profound loss I didn't "get" it either. But it turns out the best thing any of us can do is be there - and ask others to be there. If you are grieving, this book offers belonging and advice for finding connection during an incredibly lonely time.

It also offers the necessary encouragement for grievers to cut themselves some slack: "If ever there were a time for you to slow down and expect less from yourself: this is it. Your new goal is to become an underachiever. To do only the bare minimum." YES. We need to hear more of this. Especially people-pleasers and perfectionists like me.

I've read a lot of content about grieving in the past two months, and Nora's voice is the funniest and most refreshing one around. She teaches us all how to be better listeners - to those around us, and to ourselves.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel seen. Almost every single line of this book I realized I was nodding my head, saying "yup," to how we as young widows feel and are seen to our friends and family and in the world. If you are a young widow, read this; while it isn't a typical self-help book on grief, I found it comforting that I'm not alone. All the crazy things I'm thinking and feeling, someone else has them too. And I think this can be helpful for those who may not have experienced a loss, but have a close friend, family member, colleague and want to help and do something (listen, listen, listen). Sometimes it's just picking up some staples and leaving them at the door.

[stephanie plucinsky]

Obviously I’m not a widow, but the author makes it clear that this book is for anyone who is grieving or navigating a loss in their lives. As someone experiencing grief and anticipatory grief for the first time, I found it very insightful. It's a quick read, but its honesty and value are significant for anyone going through a difficult time.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is for anyone who has gone through some kind of grief - and as she says, if you haven't, you will. It made me laugh and cry and talk back to the CD in total agreement in my car! I can't recommend this highly enough.

[Anna Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've lost someone you love or ever been at a loss for words when someone YOU love lost someone - read this book please. It's not just about losing partners - it's much, much more and just...honest and amazing.

[Jessica Shivers · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is such a needed book for anyone that has either experienced grief or known someone who has. My sister lost her husband suddenly and this book will help me know how to respond to her and others. And I am sure I’ll be reading it again in the future. I highly recommend this book.

[Chelsea Francis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Required reading for anyone who has lost anyone.

[Miriam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was poignant and helpful and I really enjoyed the authors voice and perspective.

Don’t ask “is there anything I can do?”
Instead show up. Find something you can do (something, anything that will make their life easier) and do it without expectations of thanks or acknowledgement. Never ever judge a grieving person’s experience or feelings. Grief is unpredictable and not on any timeline, never try to point out a silver lining to a grieving person. It’s ok to admit that you don’t know what to say, but it’s enough to just listen and see your person. Circle of care: support in, grieve out.

If you’re grieving, the best way to “take care of yourself” is to prioritize your own feelings, ie not have to manage anyone else’s emotions. If it’s not absolutely necessary, you don’t have to do it, just say no. As much as you can, let go of any expectations of what your grief will look like, how long it will take, and when you’ll “be over it”. There is no wrong way to grieve although you’ll likely feel like you’re doing it wrong. It’s ok to still be sad, it’s ok to not bounce back or to not be okay. Keep a journal, buy a lot of death certificates.

[Sarah Tang · Rating 5 out of 5]

The definitive book of how to be okay after living through tremendous grief and trauma.

No one tells you what to expect or how to deal when tragedy strikes - why you feel emotions you think you shouldn’t feel or why people don’t act the way you expect them to.

I wish I’d found this book when I’d been raped and desperately searching for answers about how to live in a world when my own experience of it had been so fundamentally changed.

We are all novices at dealing with tragedy and I’m grateful for this book now and for all the many lives I’m sure it will help.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

The publisher really did the author a disservice with the title here. Although I am a young widow and relished this book from that perspective, it really is a how-to book about grief, and can be helpful for anyone going through grief, or wondering how to help others get through their grief. I liked this book so much that after I read a friend's copy, I bought one for myself to lend out to other people helping me through my grief journey. Highly recommended, and not just for (hot young) widows!

[Kricket · Rating 4 out of 5]

Biggest takeaway: don't be afraid of your sad/grieving/traumatized friends, neighbors, and loved ones. Someday this will be you. It is better to say something stupid than say nothing, but if you read this book you are less likely to say something stupid. (Maybe.)

[Howard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely great advice for both widows and widowers. Very short and valuable. The most important point for EVERYONE you never get over your spouse's death PERIOD. Your new spouse must be tolerant of that.

[Emily Schwartz · Rating 5 out of 5]

A club I never wanted to be a part of and certainly wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I think everyone should read this. At some point, you’ll be a griever or someone will need your proper support (not just a card or a meal). I want to buy 1 million copies of this & pass it out.

[Tara Casey · Rating 5 out of 5]

20/10

I never leave book reviews, but this one deserves it! ANYONE going through grief or knows something going through grief should read it. Thank you for writing everything I am feeling since losing my husband.

[Evelin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quick little tear jerker. I mean, why was I crying? I have no idea. But nice reminder about the does and don’ts about how to interact with the grieving.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. This book. The talk. Both are very good. I know of Nora McInerny. I have listened to her podcast some and read one of her other books. This one is really good because it is a bite size look into Grief. She is not wrong most people don't know how to deal with grief and they expect it to be a quick fix. You shouldn't be sad for long, you should be able to shake it off and move on. You don't shake it off it is with you in some capacity always. The hole that the person made is not ever going to be filled, it will take a different shape but mainly the hole is still there.
In my daily life I see grieving people and it's not that it ever gets easy. There is a significant part of the population that is holding something that many people prefer not to see and talk about. It's tough but I'm blessed to be there. This book is quick and worth a read. I mainly read it because I was thinking about buying it for a widow I know. I'm not sure if she would like to get it but I may buy it for her anyway.

“Grief is a form of emotional alchemy. The loss of our closest people changes us. But we’re still…us. Grief has no timeline, no expiration date. And sad is not all you’ll ever be.
I am not a scientist, or a journalist, or a genius. I am a person who has been through some things, and so are you”(p. 10).

“Did she just say her revenue was down 20 percent because her brother had died? She nodded. This woman had just experienced an elemental loss-a sibling!- and didn’t see how astonishing it was that she hit 80 percent of her revenue goal even though she’d spent most of the year watching her brother fade from this earth. We would never expect another person to maintain perfection in the face of grief, but we sure can expect it from ourselves, like grief is something that can be managed lie many calendar systems I have been telling you to implement”(p. 21).

“Here is what Hannah did that is so hard to do: she checked her ego, and in turn helped me check mine. She didn’t need a thank-you. She didn’t need directions. She did need things she could do, and she did them just because. No agenda. No expectation. Her gifts were transformative. Not just the Costco butter, which I now buy by the pound, but the real, true friendship. The kind where you just…show up”(p. 38).

“I knew from watching other people to go through hard things that the suffering of others is often insufferable for everyone else. It’s very hard to watch someone struggle, and it’s not unusual for us to want other people to just get over it already. Saying ‘get over it’ is unequivocally rude; we could never say that! So we’ll say whatever words are adjacent to that same phrase, but seems a lot less harsh”(p. 64-65).

“When you’re in the midst of a crisis, pawing your way through the dark, the last thing you need is for someone to tell you to look on the bright side. It is okay for some things to just be bad. It is okay for some lesson out of every hurt we are dealt, or to find that lesson in a hurry”(p. 66).

“The pressure to be good at grief is too much to add to your full plate. Maybe right now, it just hurts. It’s just hard. If your life has fallen apart, I am here to give you the opposite advice of every sympathy card or empty platitude that will be handed to you over the coming days:
No matter how many lemons life gives you, you don’t owe anyone a glass of lemonade”(p. 69).

“Time is irrelevant to grief. I cannot tell you that I will feel better or worse as time goes by. The only guarantee is that however you feel right now, you will not always feel this way.
There are days when Aaron’s death feels so fresh that I cannot believe it”(p. 87).

“We do not move on from the dead people we love, of the love, or the difficult situations we’ve loved through. We move forward, but we carry is all with us. Some of it gets easier to bear, some of it will always feel Sisyphean. We live on, but we are not the same as we once were. This is not macabre or depressing or abnormal. We are shaped by the people we love, and we are shaped by their loss.
Why are they still sad? You may think.
Because this is a sad thing, and always will be”(p. 89).

[Emily | Planned & Planted · Rating 5 out of 5]

A perfect little bite-size book on grief that’s helpful for both the bereaved and their loved ones. Lots of practical advice and wisdom for all forms of loss, spousal and beyond.

I started pausing to capture some quotes and then realized basically every line in this book is quotable. This is a really good, short book to recommend to your friends when you’re grieving and they don’t know how to help or what to say.

Fans of this book would also love It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine.

[Sarah Earhart Trippel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having lost my husband in August of 2019 I have picked this book up several times to read, but haven't been able to finish until today. It is a must read for anyone experiencing loss in general. She says all the things we are thinking and makes grief feel normal instead of like the alien it feels like while experiencing it. I am thankful for her willingness to share her struggles to help others with theirs.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was short and sweet—I knocked it out in just a couple of hours. It’s the first non-religious book I’ve read on grief and I found it really helpful. It’s helpful for those grieving and especially (in my opinion) for people who want to help those who are grieving. Many don’t know what to say or do in the wake of a loss, but this book gives serious tangible things that I can say from personal experience are greatly appreciated!

[Emma Ferguson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wonderful and practical advice on grief and how to help those who are grieving. There was more language in it than I’m usually comfortable with and a few pieces of worldly advice I don’t necessarily agree with lol. But other than that, I really appreciated the authors bluntness and perspective on loss. I also really loved the acknowledgement of “grief brain” and how weird it can feel when you’re experiencing it.

[L · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brief, real, intense and also at times humorous look at grieving the loss of a loved one. Grief is highly individual; however, this - and her great TED talk - struck so many chords with me, with to the author sometimes using phrases I’ve word by word told friends like this. Would especially recommend this to people close to those grieving - I believe it explains a lot of things really well

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Given I'm in my "Nora era," it was time to read this one. This is a short read (<100 pages), but has so much good stuff. It's really a primer on grief both for the grieving and those who are offering support. It's a really helpful piece to remind readers that you're going to be okay (and that can mean a variety of things), you can help, and no one does this perfectly ever.

[Rebecca Immekus · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for anyone who has, is, or may experience grief. In other words, everyone. After losing my husband to a sudden death 4 months ago, this book helped me in so many ways. Most of all, how to tell others about my grief. Everyone needs to read this!

[Maggie McDonald · Rating 5 out of 5]

read in one sitting (not just for widows)

Recently lost my dad and this was so applicable - For anybody grieving (or anybody who loves somebody grieving). Fresh and raw and succinct and laugh out loud funny.

[Tammy Tosti · Rating 3 out of 5]

A short read that is refreshingly candid on a topic that no one wants to talk about: death. The author shares her own experiences as well as gives advice on what not to say and what to do as you are navigating the loss of someone you love or supporting someone else who is.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

9/10
-Story / Structure:+1
-Characters: +1
-Writing style:+1
-Pacing: +1
-Ending:+1
-Accuracy:+1
-Emotional impact:+.5
-Overall enjoyment: +1
-Did The Author Impact My Viewpoint:+.5
-Would I Recommend / Reread:+1