What No One Tells You: A Guide to Your Emotions from Pregnancy to Motherhood

by Alexandra Sacks, Catherine Birndorf

Your guide to the emotions of pregnancy and early motherhood, from two of America’s top reproductive psychiatrists.

When you are pregnant, you get plenty of advice about your growing body and developing baby. Yet so much about motherhood happens in your head. What everyone really wants to know: Is this normal?

-Even after months of trying, is it normal to panic after finding out you’re pregnant?
-Is it normal not to feel love at first sight for your baby?
-Is it normal to fight with your parents and partner?
-Is it normal to feel like a breastfeeding failure?
-Is it normal to be zonked by “mommy brain?”

In What No One Tells You, two of America’s top reproductive psychiatrists reassure you that the answer is yes. With thirty years of combined experience counseling new and expectant mothers, they provide a psychological and hormonal backstory to the complicated emotions that women experience, and show why it’s natural for “matrescence”—the birth of a mother—to be as stressful and transformative a period as adolescence.

Here, finally, is the first-ever practical guide to help new mothers feel less guilt and more self-esteem, less isolation and more kinship, less resentment and more intimacy, less exhaustion and more pleasure, and learn other tips to navigate the ups and downs of this exciting, demanding time

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Audiobook, Health, Childrens

352 pages, Audiobook

Published April 23, 2019

Reviews

[Lexie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just wish there was a chapter on how to be pregnant during a pandemic.

[Kottika · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall really good, inclusive, non judgemental and supportive. I came to this book when I was nearly 3 years into motherhood and slowly coming to terms with that new role. A friend mentionned the concept of "matrescence" and it all suddenly made sense. Yeah, not only did I care for a baby, I was also morphing and creating both a new identity for myself and an effective household where before we were just longterm lovers living together... no wonder I was exhausted, that is a huge job!

I would have liked the book to spend more time on the phase I was in, though (what about now? It took more than a year to feel home in motherhood, and after 3 years I was still lacking perspective)... which is a good sign for the book : it conveys understanding of all the feelings that can accompany each facet of the experience. So you crave to read about your own experience, that it's normal too, that your feelings are acceptable and that light is at the end of the tunnel.
Just bear in mind that this book is about pregnancy until baby's first year, not about what comes next.

I remember thinking one or two things from my experience were not represented (cosleeping and late child-led weaning maybe? Compromises with your coparent? Feeling like you're giving too much and you're losing your sense of self? How standing behind your own choices regarding weaning and sleeping arrangements can be exhausting and conflicting, and you might have to implement it without your partner's help?
For this last subject I find "How Weaning Happens" by Diane Bengson to be more soothing and empowering, including how the relation grows with and after weaning)

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommend!! Will reread if I have another kid, I didn't get this from the library until after this babe was born.

[Vonze · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started out thinking, "Hmm, this will be a handy book to have." Months later, no, I NEED this book.

[Monica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, might as well start adding all the pregnancy books to Goodreads. Only a few months to go before baby is due 😊

It’s been challenging to read for pleasure through the pregnancy fatigue and brain fog. A chunk of my limited mental energy is now devoted to reading about what lies ahead. Luckily for me, a lot of books about pregnancy and babies are awful, so I’ve had the pleasure of being enjoyably grumpy about them all. Lots of pseudoscience, condescension, cherry picked studies by economists who think they’re ob-gyns, and books that claim to offer a feminist analysis which you think might mean they discuss issues like equitable access to healthcare and workplace discrimination, but actually means they discuss the self-righteous outrage you should feel when your doctor recommends you avoid deli meat.

All of which to say, I found this book to be one of the good ones! It does a good job reflecting a lot of the emotional and social weirdness of pregnancy and offers helpful advice on how to deal with it all. About half of the book is devoted to after the baby is born, so I’ll hopefully be returning to this one later.

[Rachael]

I just kind of skimmed this book for the most part because I got it during my ninth month of pregnancy. It’s mostly things people who don’t read or don’t have a support system should be aware could happen in your mind.
I was disappointed that it’s mostly full of scenarios without options for resolution. For example, the section on how to tell friends includes the scenario that someone might be hurt or jealous because you are pregnant and they are not, and the advice is to be considerate of their feelings. While it’s good advice, that’s literally it. There are no examples of how to do that or things to say or do to make them feel more comfortable about you wanting to share your news or how to make you more comfortable with not sharing the news out of respect. I’m in that situation even now and still think I’m handling it horribly, and this book did not add anything to my arsenal.
It’s just a bit over generalized for my taste. I’d rather it have been longer with more depth. Mostly, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only pregnant person who worries about a lot of these things, but I had hoped to glean more insight about these worries than was presented. I don’t have many people to talk to about these things, and the ones I do have are either ambivalent or more negative than they realize while also telling me it’s normal to feel the way I’m feeling. Or, they haven’t been pregnant or can’t be (like my husband), and while their support is nice, it’s an impression of what I’m experiencing emotionally, not rooted in their own experience. I have spent this entire pregnancy not being able to relate to anyone because of pandemic restrictions and it blows. I was hoping this book would help, but it wasn’t really what I wanted.

[Sarah Brin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this as part of my postpartum doula certification process. Love this book! An easily readable book about mental health during and after pregnancy.

[Emma Roche · Rating 4 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️✨ perhaps the best pregnancy/motherhood book I’ve read so far. Almost all the info was interesting or useful. Great things to consider when it comes to emotions throughout such a roller coaster time of hormones! Easy read, super enjoyable. Not a tonne of ground breaking info but would recommend.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read my fair share of self-help books, and this one is a shining example of what I wish every book about managing mental health were like. It is informative, yet approachable. The tone of voice is very similar to that of talking to an educated, caring friend. It is simple to read and understand, and peppered with useful personal anecdotes from other women. I never felt while reading like this book “knew it all” and if I didn’t follow its advice, I would fail at pregnancy and motherhood. Instead, the book reinforced a belief that everyone is different and copes differently, and made me feel like I was not alone in the struggles I faced.

I will be buying this book for all my pregnant friends in the future! 5*!

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful for new moms to have grace for themselves

[Kiley · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is no other book like this. I found the physical aspects of pregnancy to be grueling, but expected; whereas, the emotional toll of pregnancy left me blindsided. The authors use several therapeutic techniques for their “Rx” prescription sections which are most beneficial between the simple explanations and reassurances through each stage.
Very thankful to have found this book and will reread highlighted sections again throughout pregnancy and matrescence.

[Melissa Wolff · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book covers the emotions a pregnant person may experience not only during their pregnancy but throughout the first year of their child’s life. I found this book to be so validating and reassuring, and I can see myself reaching for it to re-read sections in the future.

[Allison Sikes · Rating 4 out of 5]

This really focuses on the birth of a mother in addition to the birth of a child. It is also very inclusive of different types of families as well as gender and sexual identities which I appreciated. It doesn’t go extremely in depth in any one area but provides abundant resources for further exploration.

[Sari · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent guide to understanding what the heck is happening and will happen. The authors are incredibly understanding, empowering, inclusive and non judgmental.

[Melenia · Rating 5 out of 5]

100% recommend this read

[Amy Polyreader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great insights for a FTM — nice refreshers in there for me too. I wish I’d had this before my first was born. There isn’t enough info on psychological / social shifts and changes through motherhood when you’re going through it. And this is SO important!!!!

[Natalie Blank · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good read for mothers to be. I learned some new things, but nothing blew my mind other than the the descriptions and effects of pregnancy hormones.

[Lindsay Holdren · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book gave a strong image of the various emotional levels that someone experiences during and after pregnancy. Would recommend to anyone who is looking to get more in tune with their emotions, or potential feelings during and after pregnancy! My favorite chapter was “trimester 4” after the baby comes.

[Molly · Rating 5 out of 5]

An interesting exploration of the complicated and often conflicting emotions that a woman experiences throughout pregnancy and childbirth. I feel more prepared emotionally and psychologically because of this book!

[Suzy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really liked how they spoke in this book. It felt like it was with empathy, not just telling you things and giving you anxiety which I think a lot of pregnancy books do. Being pregnant and having suffered postpartum depression in the past I really liked this book. I felt that they did a good job of helping you see that every pregnancy is different and yes, your hormones maybe raging, but try not to see it as a competition and try to enjoy the time you have.
This second pregnancy has been harder for me, I weigh more, I am more active but still feel huge. And it isn't great when strangers tell you you look huge. I liked some of the mantras in this book and it helped me to see that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am carrying a child my husband and I made out of love, and it is beautiful.
This is a great guide for new moms or repeat moms.

[Erica D'Alessandro · Rating 4 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book to any woman (or man) expecting a child ! It's not necessary to read the book from a to z as some parts might not concern you. This book is 100% honest and makes you feel better about pregnancy and parenthood while giving you a lot of tips.

[Gail · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alexandra Sacks and Catherine Birndorf are reproductive psychiatrists: medical doctors who specialize in using therapy to help women navigate pregnancy and its aftermath. “Even if motherhood has been a lifelong desire,” they report, “once it arrives, many women find themselves feeling lost somewhere between who they were before and who they think they should be now.” In "What No One Tells You," Sacks and Birndorf try to help women reconcile those two people by pushing back against what they call the “bliss myth,” the idea that motherhood should be pure joy:

"[T]his wasn’t the last time in her pregnancy or motherhood that she would be troubled by mixed feelings—about her son, about herself, about her choice to become a mother. And for Julie, as for many mothers, these ambivalent feelings sent up red flags. Anything less than joy and contentment, Julie thought, must mean there was something wrong. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. The expectation that babies bring ultimate happiness is not only unrealistic, it’s dangerous. Our culture reinforces a story of motherhood that has left out doubt, uncertainty, and the bittersweet, and this myth has become hazardous to women’s mental health. It’s time to rebirth pregnancy and bring parenting down to earth…. Everyone understands that adolescence is an awkward phase. But during matrescence, people expect you to be happy while you’re losing control over the way you look, feel, and relate to everyone around you."

The bulk of the book isn’t this philosophic, however. Rather, it explains how the concept of the “good enough mother” can prevail in various scenarios. Traveling for work. Stopping breastfeeding. Interacting with childcare providers. Sleep deprivation. In-laws. Sacks and Birndorf have helpful, practical tips for each of these contexts and more. “If you’re feeling extra-sensitive,” when it comes to financial woes, for example, “try to find a way to explain your fears to your partner so she can understand that it’s anxiety, not anger or manipulation, behind your strong feelings about spending.”

Throughout, there was plenty that didn’t apply to my life now, or to past-me either. And yet, I felt that they just got the struggles I experienced upon becoming a mother. “With so much out of your control, it can be tempting to become extremely strict about what you can control, but this can lead to an unhealthy all-or-nothing mentality—as if a normal level of being good isn’t good enough,” they write. Guilty as charged. I also count myself among the mothers who “find themselves feeling like their mind is never in one place.” Sacks and Birndorf say they hear this so often in their clinical practices they came up with a term for it, “the divided mind.”

"We think of the divided mind as a cognitive and emotional state that is a consequence of the changes in how you spend your time and attention when growing and then caring for a totally dependent human being. Your mind is literally divided, as you’re dealing with your own life while tending to another’s."

I also felt seen by their recognition and normalization of competing interests: “[Y]our friends and family, and even your spouse or partner, will be competing with your baby for your attention. Motherhood will also compete for the time, energy, and resources you’re used to investing into your own life: eating, exercise, recreation, organization, sexuality, and work.” Some tensions, some unpleasant feelings, they assure, aren’t fixable. The goal is learning to process and tolerate—not eliminate—the push and pull, the contradictions, the impossibilities, and the resentments.

“Motherhood, like all complex experiences in life, is a mix of both positive and negative,” they conclude: “Loving your child doesn’t change the fact that sometimes the work of caretaking is not fun. Yet for many moms, admitting that there are moments, days, or even weeks when you want a break from your [child] is scary because it can make you ask yourself: Am I trapped with this feeling forever? … Does this mean I don’t love [them]?”

Spoiler alert: The answers are no and no. I figured that out eventually, but it sure would have been nice to read "What No One Tells You" at the get-go.

[snowdrops · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started reading this book, partially out of curiosity, partially as a part of research before even deciding that I want to have a baby, or probably just to understand that aspect of womanhood that has always eluded me and from which I have tried to escape and avoid it as much as I could.

Now, about the book. It’s insightful and interesting, and the authors discuss almost all the aspects of the three trimesters, how most mothers feel or fear, relationship conflicts or how to communicate, even the most common questions that arise during the first year once the baby is born.

The thing about motherhood, particularly in India and which I had come to hate, was that mothers are placed on such a high mantel, they are praised for their sacrifices and what not, and even though mothers do that for her child, no one seems to notice that a mother is a human being first. This had been a major pet peeve for me and one of the factors that made me want to never bear children. Seeing so many examples around me, it’s as if my individuality would be lost and I would only ever be known as a mother. Which I never want to be seen as. I want to and I love having a thousand different aspects to my individuality, to my beingness. Losing all that to motherhood isn’t worth it for me.

Until I read this book that told me it’s okay to have your individuality and still be a mother. All mothers feel all kinds of worries and thoughts where they think they are putting themselves first and being a bad mother. Acknowledging these thoughts, communicating and having support really matters. And no one needs to sacrifice anything. A child can receive love from different caregivers. And they would still be fine whether you decide to breastfeed or not, whether you decide to work or stay at home, whether you decide this or that. You can infuse your individuality with motherhood and stop believing what the culture and society tells.

Although I still haven’t decided on the kid front, if or when, I’m really grateful to come across this book.

The quotes that I really loved:

“The expectation that babies bring ultimate happiness is not only unrealistic, it’s dangerous. Our culture reinforces a story of motherhood that has left out doubt, uncertainty, and the bittersweet, and this myth has become hazardous to women’s mental health. It’s time to rebirth pregnancy and bring parenting down to earth.”

“Society seems to be invested in a “bliss myth,” the idea that joy is the primary emotion of motherhood. But every mother will have moments of ambivalence, because she’s always juggling between giving and taking. Since these conflicting feelings are rarely openly discussed, many women are left feeling that these struggles are their fault. When women’s stories deviate from this bliss narrative, they may feel alarmed and bury the experience, choosing not to share the uglier moments of motherhood with family and friends, and hardly ever on social media. Their stories are pushed deep down and left untold, and so the cycle continues.”

“There may be moments when you wish you had your old life back. But the paradox of letting go means there’s now space for new experiences.”

[Emma · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted this book to be IT. A book that finally explains what happens in your hormones and your brain and your body and how that all affects you during pregnancy and postpartum. I discovered Alexandra Sacks during the postpartum period after my second child was born and felt seen by her articulation of the concept of matrescence through her writings in The New York Times and other publications as well as her Instagram page. I was excited to read this book and get even more in-depth explanation of what I had discovered about myself and motherhood through a lot of her social media posts.

Unfortunately, this book does not do that. Much of the scientific explanation of hormones and brain changes are regulated to side bars that manage to be less informative than an Instagram reel. The rest of the book is your standard cliches about pregnancy and motherhood directed at first-time moms, ranging from how to deal with strangers commenting on your body or touching your belly to how to deal with overbearing visitors to the unrealistic "sleep when the baby sleeps" maxim. This book does not live up to its title--the majority of its content is literally what EVERYONE tells you. If you really want to learn about matrescence, I'd recommend checking out Alexandra Sacks' other writings and her social media posts because I got less from this book than I did from her New York Times article "The Birth of a Mother" and TED Talk.

[Sasha Nelson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoy a good self help book and wanted one that dealt specifically with the emotions of pregnancy. All and all this is a decent, and fast read, but it's pretty surface. The overall message of each section is essentially do what is right for you and your emotions, whatever they are, are not wrong. This isn't exactly rocket science but when I read a couple similar style books around getting engaged, I got a little more out of them. I think what this book lacks is personal anecdotes from women (there are some, but they are extremely short). I remember thinking back to some of the stories I read in the engagement books and how much they helped me relate to someone else. That being said, I think this is still a nice read, though I would recommend getting it from the library (if you can), rather than buying.

[Bridget Johnson (Jameson) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I skipped around a little reading the sections that I think best apply to me, but I’ll also keep this on my kindle in case I want to refer to it in the future. This book provides kind of an overview of pregnancy, childbirth, and early parenting through the lens of feelings that a (female, child-bearing) mother might experience, and how one might work through these feelings. It’s somewhat evidence based and pretty middle of the road regarding parenting styles. (Ie it doesn’t say co-sleeping is bad, but does mention the AAP guidelines for safe sleep.)

This book isn’t not a replacement for an in-depth look at pregnancy, birth, or any aspect of parenting, but seems like a good complement to book like the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, which goes much deeper and is much more scientific but which I’m pretty sure doesn’t mention the words “self care.”

[Kuleigh · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a great resource for pregnancy and postpartum geared towards first time parents. You can easily read it in a weekend. The language is easy to read and sympathetic. The authors cover a plethora of information in very short chapters but there is a resources section at the end of the book for topics that might require more detail. As a second time mom, I found the chapters on birth and postpartum emotions most helpful. The book had a lot of good reminders that just because something is common, it doesn't mean it is normal and offered suggestions for how to seek out appropriate help whether it be from your OBGYN, family and friends, or other professional. Overally, another good self-help/parenting book to keep around and skim when you need to go back and reference something!

[Sara Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The knowledge I gained by reading this book helped me the most in hindsight. I read this during my second and third trimesters at the advice of a friend. It was good, but I had no idea what motherhood had in store. The information on interpersonal therapy and integrating my personal roles was most helpful as I navigated postpartum emotions! I remember reading several “if you feel this way, you’re not alone” paragraphs and thinking that I could never imagine feeling any of those things. Yet, low and behold… I did. The pressure to please everyone else, etc. A must-read for first time moms. It truly does talk about the things you’ll come up against that the people in your life keep quiet either to not scare you, or because they’ve conveniently put the harder memories out of their minds.

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good, basic information but it really only skims the surface of so many issues. I feel like they should have broken this into two books - pregnancy and postpartum. There are so many topics that they really could have expanded on and gave more tangible advice on how to manage or make effective decisions. I understand their desire/need to generalize and give all angles of a specific situation (having family help or not, going back to work or not, finding out gender or not...) but for me it just muddies the water more than helps. BUT it was nice to feel validated and not alone in many different aspects of fresh motherhood.

[Christina Sherrer · Rating 5 out of 5]

My Mom gifted this book to me for Christmas when I was 8 months pregnant. Like some of the other reviews, I went from thinking this would be a good resource to have around to - woah - I think I really need to read this book - after the emotional craziness in the first couple of weeks after giving birth caught me off guard. I knew having a child would be a big change but nothing can really prepare you for the brand new emotions, general sensitivity and at times irrational thoughts and feelings that bombard you after birth. This book helped me to understand what I was going through and feel more normal about all of my feelings!