What do you think?
Rate this book
Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
Surviving a Borderline Parent is the first step-by-step guide for adult children of parents with borderline personality disorder. Between 6 and 10 million people in the US suffer from borderline personality disorder. This book teaches adult children how to overcome the devastating effects of growing up with a parent who suffers from BPD. Although relatively common, borderline personality disorder (BPD) is often overlooked or misdiagnosed by therapists and clinicians and denied by those who suffer from it. Symptoms of this problem include unpredictability, violence and uncontrollable anger, deep depression and self-abuse. Parents with BPD are often unable to provide for the basic physical and emotional needs of their children. In an ironic and painful role reversal, BPD parents can actually raise children to be their caretakers. They may burden even very young children with adult responsibilities. If you were raised by a BPD parent, your childhood was a volatile and painful time. This book, the first written specifically for children of borderline parents, offers step-by-step guidance to understanding and overcoming the lasting effects of being raised by a person suffering from this disorder. Discover specific coping strategies for dealing with issues common to children of borderline low self-esteem, lack of trust, guilt, and hypersensitivity. Make the major decision whether to confront your parent about his or her condition.
185 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2004
537 people are currently reading
2183 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 107 reviews
September 12, 2011
A validating, healing read that is worth its weight in therapy gold. If you have a parent who suffers from BPD -- or even suspect that one of your parents suffers from BPD -- I fervently recommend giving this a go.
Unlike many other books on the subject, Roth goes far beyond "This is what BPD looks like" to "This is how BPD manifests itself specifically in parents, and these are some of the long-term repercussions other adult-children of BPD parents have experienced." I don't mind saying I wept openly as I read testimony after testimony of what I always assumed were my own singular experiences.
And reading these words allowed me to breathe in a way I have scarcely been able to do in my adult life: "Chances are good that if you're even asking the question ["Could I have the disorder as well?"], you don't, since those with the disorder often find it difficult to take ownership of their thoughts, feelings, and actions."
Roth provides lots of mental exercises and journaling suggestions. It took me nearly two months to work my way through the whole book. But it had a profound, life-changing effect on me that years of therapy did not accomplish.
Unlike many other books on the subject, Roth goes far beyond "This is what BPD looks like" to "This is how BPD manifests itself specifically in parents, and these are some of the long-term repercussions other adult-children of BPD parents have experienced." I don't mind saying I wept openly as I read testimony after testimony of what I always assumed were my own singular experiences.
And reading these words allowed me to breathe in a way I have scarcely been able to do in my adult life: "Chances are good that if you're even asking the question ["Could I have the disorder as well?"], you don't, since those with the disorder often find it difficult to take ownership of their thoughts, feelings, and actions."
Roth provides lots of mental exercises and journaling suggestions. It took me nearly two months to work my way through the whole book. But it had a profound, life-changing effect on me that years of therapy did not accomplish.
June 14, 2009
I grew up with a father who was never formally diagnosed with BPD but who demonstrated almost all of the symptoms (in addition to bipolar, narcissistic, and addictive behaviors). This book was immensely helpful for me, especially just for pure validation (a thing you grow up pretty short on if you have a BPD parent). Reading descriptions and explanations of the kind of chaotic and unreasonable behavior I grew up with confirms to me that I WASN'T actually crazy or imagining things, and that it's ok to feel as confused and messed up as I do now--that it's only NORMAL to feel that way.
The book also offers very helpful and practical advice on how to handle the issues you may be dealing with, and encourages readers to feel confidence in their ability to cope and eventually change--which gave me some much needed hope. I strongly recommend it for anyone dealing with a possible or confirmed BPD parent, and I also recommend it for spouses of those who have BPD parents--the more spouses understand about the disorder and its effects, the more support and encouragement he or she can provide.
The book also offers very helpful and practical advice on how to handle the issues you may be dealing with, and encourages readers to feel confidence in their ability to cope and eventually change--which gave me some much needed hope. I strongly recommend it for anyone dealing with a possible or confirmed BPD parent, and I also recommend it for spouses of those who have BPD parents--the more spouses understand about the disorder and its effects, the more support and encouragement he or she can provide.
August 10, 2008
Revelatory, really. But I think the title may discourage people who could be helped b this book from considering it relevant to their own situations. Really, the "borderline" parent exhibits many of the traits that are common in certain cultures, so it may as well have been called, "Surviving an Asian Mother."
Did your parent have unrealistic standards of your academic performance, exhibit constant unspoken disappointment, teach you to feel guilt and shame, treat you like a little adult when you were a child, never validate your perceptions and emotions, and not show you unconditional love? What can you do to make my parent approve of you? Nothing. That's the awful truth, whether your parent is borderline or culturally trained not to approve of anything but the impossible.
The result of such an upbringing is an adult child who puts others' needs before their own, has a weak sense of weak and an insecure or ambivalent attachment style, is afraid to reach out to others, and believes love is gained through self-denial. Unless, of course, you go to therapy, confront your childhood pain, and actively work to question the rules and beliefs you were brought up with.
*******************************************************
Is this the kind of book one shouldn't admit to reading, except for purely professional, academic reasons? OK then, consider me a professional . . .
Not that any of this resonates with me, but I do appreciate the book's unpatronizing, non-coddling tone, with its two goals being for the non-academic reader to understand and change, and offering a variety of theories or lenses through which to identify the Bordrerline parent and his or her effects on the adult child.
Did your parent have unrealistic standards of your academic performance, exhibit constant unspoken disappointment, teach you to feel guilt and shame, treat you like a little adult when you were a child, never validate your perceptions and emotions, and not show you unconditional love? What can you do to make my parent approve of you? Nothing. That's the awful truth, whether your parent is borderline or culturally trained not to approve of anything but the impossible.
The result of such an upbringing is an adult child who puts others' needs before their own, has a weak sense of weak and an insecure or ambivalent attachment style, is afraid to reach out to others, and believes love is gained through self-denial. Unless, of course, you go to therapy, confront your childhood pain, and actively work to question the rules and beliefs you were brought up with.
*******************************************************
Is this the kind of book one shouldn't admit to reading, except for purely professional, academic reasons? OK then, consider me a professional . . .
Not that any of this resonates with me, but I do appreciate the book's unpatronizing, non-coddling tone, with its two goals being for the non-academic reader to understand and change, and offering a variety of theories or lenses through which to identify the Bordrerline parent and his or her effects on the adult child.
October 21, 2008
This book and Understanding the borderline mother both brought me to tears because they hit so close to home. My mother has BPD and living with her made me question my own sanity, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors on a daily basis. This book explained how her invalidation of my experiences, inconsistent and erratic behavior, and angry and violent outbursts (that she blamed on me) left me feeling like I was the crazy one.
It touches on behavior that I never realized other children's parents didn't do. Like taking back gifts after giving them and saying you no longer deserve them, pretending that she is your best friend and telling you intimate details of her life and then the next hour mocking you and humiliating you in public to demonstrate her power over you and show you that you are not friends, she is the one in control.
If your mother acts like two completely different people at random times pick up this book and learn how to accept what happened, distance yourself from the parent, and move forward with your life.
It touches on behavior that I never realized other children's parents didn't do. Like taking back gifts after giving them and saying you no longer deserve them, pretending that she is your best friend and telling you intimate details of her life and then the next hour mocking you and humiliating you in public to demonstrate her power over you and show you that you are not friends, she is the one in control.
If your mother acts like two completely different people at random times pick up this book and learn how to accept what happened, distance yourself from the parent, and move forward with your life.
June 1, 2015
This book is wonderful. As an "adult child" of a mother with BPD as well as someone who has struggled with traits of BPD myself, this book helped me understand my mother and helped me understand my own struggles. First of all, the beginning of the book was a breath of fresh air: immediate validation that others have experienced the same thing that I have and others struggle with the same problems I do! I wasn't crazy to think that my mother had problems that impacted me (and my brother's) life significantly...she did! I usually don't like self-help books (and mock them, actually) but this one is so personal and specific to my situation that I found myself underlining and circling things and getting excited about the things I was reading. It was also refreshing that this book doesn't tell you what to do, it merely suggests ways in which you can make decisions about what you want to change and ways to go about it. It encourages your own pace and your own decisions about whether or not you want to make those changes. I wish that I had read it more slowly, actually, so I had more time to absorb each part. There are suggestions for journal exercises, ect., and though I didn't stop to do them while I was reading the book, there are a couple of them that I want to try, as well as a cool exercise that I'm going to do with my therapist. And also, while I was lucky enough not to experience any physical abuse along with the emotional trauma of growing up with a parent with BPD, but children of a physically abusive parent will also find comfort and help in this book. It's great! Highly recommended.
January 15, 2015
"Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days." — Flannery O'Connor
Don't read this book on the train. Or the bus. Or anywhere in public, actually. It's definitely a healing book, and healing doesn't happen overnight...or without tears or throwing books across a room.
Read this book.
Read it with a box of tissues
Read it with a pen and your journal.
Read it and discuss it with your therapist.
I'm lucky if I can get through a chapter a month -- the pain can be overwhelming. But it's worth it. Because it's a good pain this time. Because it means I'm working through the consequences and wounds left by emotional and verbal abuse. And on the other side of that pain, is healing.
No matter what you've thought about your parent with BPD, the rest of us have too. You're not alone.
Don't read this book on the train. Or the bus. Or anywhere in public, actually. It's definitely a healing book, and healing doesn't happen overnight...or without tears or throwing books across a room.
Read this book.
Read it with a box of tissues
Read it with a pen and your journal.
Read it and discuss it with your therapist.
I'm lucky if I can get through a chapter a month -- the pain can be overwhelming. But it's worth it. Because it's a good pain this time. Because it means I'm working through the consequences and wounds left by emotional and verbal abuse. And on the other side of that pain, is healing.
No matter what you've thought about your parent with BPD, the rest of us have too. You're not alone.
March 22, 2012
My mother suffered from this, and it was a hard growing up. She passed away at 49 from cancer, and when she did I was still angery at her. but reading these books help me to understand how it wasnt her fault...it's no ones fault. There are things in life we can't control, and we just need to love & understand. I was able to forgive my mom many years after her death.
November 7, 2012
It was like reading the story of my life!!! WHAT VALIDATION! I'm really NOT crazy, inept, incompetent, controlling (well maybe some), and can learn to trust, have close friends, and enjoy life more. I recommend this book to anyone who grew up thinking something was wrong with them, to help gain insight into what may have been happening in their childhood.
January 6, 2016
The authors of this book know nothing about BPD at all. I wish I could give it zero stars. The idea that BPD makes a person inherently abusive (it doesn't) is based in the fact that BPD is a stigmatizing diagnosis given to women, akin to hysteria. It has becoming increasing ill-defined with every expansion of the DSM and is essentially meaningless; virtually any woman who's self harmed will get this diagnosis, and that's especially true for survivors of abuse (cos women with BPD are either shrieking harpies or provocative victims causing their own abuse), queer, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender women, sex workers and women who their diagnosing medical professional considers whores, basically any woman who doesn't fit society's ideal. If you're going to write a book about BPD, it might help to untangle the inherent misogyny in it first, and how it vilifies and invalidates women. The majority of abusive people don't have any kind of personality disorder, people with personality disorders are actually more like to be victims than perpetrators.
Again, total garbage.
Again, total garbage.
February 5, 2010
This book was revelatory for me. I understand more about myself then I did in 8 years of therapy. I'm not really crazy after all; just came from craziness
May 17, 2016
Part 3 "The Future" was exceptionally well-written, pragmatic and helpful. 5 stars to Part 3.
This book (and a damn good therapist) has done three invaluable things for me:
1. Crying. Helped me observe and start addressing my inability to cry over grief (gratitude: no problem! Anything that could be construed as self-pity? Instant shutdown. I've already progressed to about 4s before shutdown. It's a good start, and we know this from science, but yeah, even that little bit of crying helps.)
2. Exhaustion. Recognizing that my endless what-ifs and second-guessing, third-guessing and fourth-guessing are a HUGE part of why I've been in awe of the energy other adults have that I lack. HOW DO THEY DO IT? With a job, and kids, and chores, and a dog, WHAT? I've always known I do this, but I never understood how fundamentally I was trained to do it, how it signifies a terror that I'm going to do something wrong. Then, I started noticing it every time it happened. Acknowledged that I have a lifetime of good decisions, and oh hey, maybe I can try to trust myself a little bit more. Guys, I've had so much more energy from this process, it's just stupid. I usually can do about one social visit per week and my 40-hour work week and everything else is reading, sleeping and hanging with my cat. The last two weeks, I've gone out after work multiple nights and still had energy to read when I got home. Wow. I am - apparently: typically - completely terrified this won't last, but I suspect time will show me I have momentum with something new and healthier than what I did the first 39 years of my life.
3. RELIEF. And, to use the colloquial phrase, validation. Knowing that I wasn't alone in this insanity has healed my heart so much. I had all these anecdotes that I knew were messed up, but I could never find the pattern. I have never been able to let go of my sense of failure that nothing I did ever made her better or happier. When I learned that treating adults diagnosed with BPD is difficult if not impossible, and that many adult children have found the healthy choice was ending the relationship entirely with their BPD parent, I finally for the first time was able to drop this Sisyphusian guilt I've been carrying with me since I was a very little girl.
I also learned some new words that were helpful: parentification, for one. I didn't have a word for it, but I would sometimes describe my mother-daughter relationship in terms of role reversal or, at best, a platonic kind of friendship.
Suddenly, my life feels a lot more simple. I knew something was wrong, but I could never discover what. This was a big big big step for me. I AM SO RELIEVED.
For the first time in my life, so many of the skills I learned as a kid seem less like a burden and more like something I can be proud of:
- I'm disarming
- I have a pretty decent sense of humor which often helps diffuse tense situations
- I have very keen observation skills around body language and facial expression changes which tends to make me a good and empathic listener, and a good friend
- My decision-making abilities are actually pretty insanely good
And, for the first time since I was 16, if I have a happy memory of my mom, it is not accompanied with instant panic. That panic saved my life - my quality of life if not my actual life - when I was a teenager. Anything that would allow me to care how she felt about me back then jeopardized my safety. But now that I understand she must have had this terrible disorder - with much hostility and no thanks to her father for what he did to her - and it wasn't something either of us could've controlled, that it just was what it was ... oh my gosh, the relief. I feel like I might actually be a human after all, and I can acknowledge what's human in her for the first time in decades without flinching.
To her credit, she set out to never hit us, and she never did. And I can finally say "She did the best she could" and actually have that be more than intellectual.
This book (and a damn good therapist) has done three invaluable things for me:
1. Crying. Helped me observe and start addressing my inability to cry over grief (gratitude: no problem! Anything that could be construed as self-pity? Instant shutdown. I've already progressed to about 4s before shutdown. It's a good start, and we know this from science, but yeah, even that little bit of crying helps.)
2. Exhaustion. Recognizing that my endless what-ifs and second-guessing, third-guessing and fourth-guessing are a HUGE part of why I've been in awe of the energy other adults have that I lack. HOW DO THEY DO IT? With a job, and kids, and chores, and a dog, WHAT? I've always known I do this, but I never understood how fundamentally I was trained to do it, how it signifies a terror that I'm going to do something wrong. Then, I started noticing it every time it happened. Acknowledged that I have a lifetime of good decisions, and oh hey, maybe I can try to trust myself a little bit more. Guys, I've had so much more energy from this process, it's just stupid. I usually can do about one social visit per week and my 40-hour work week and everything else is reading, sleeping and hanging with my cat. The last two weeks, I've gone out after work multiple nights and still had energy to read when I got home. Wow. I am - apparently: typically - completely terrified this won't last, but I suspect time will show me I have momentum with something new and healthier than what I did the first 39 years of my life.
3. RELIEF. And, to use the colloquial phrase, validation. Knowing that I wasn't alone in this insanity has healed my heart so much. I had all these anecdotes that I knew were messed up, but I could never find the pattern. I have never been able to let go of my sense of failure that nothing I did ever made her better or happier. When I learned that treating adults diagnosed with BPD is difficult if not impossible, and that many adult children have found the healthy choice was ending the relationship entirely with their BPD parent, I finally for the first time was able to drop this Sisyphusian guilt I've been carrying with me since I was a very little girl.
I also learned some new words that were helpful: parentification, for one. I didn't have a word for it, but I would sometimes describe my mother-daughter relationship in terms of role reversal or, at best, a platonic kind of friendship.
Suddenly, my life feels a lot more simple. I knew something was wrong, but I could never discover what. This was a big big big step for me. I AM SO RELIEVED.
For the first time in my life, so many of the skills I learned as a kid seem less like a burden and more like something I can be proud of:
- I'm disarming
- I have a pretty decent sense of humor which often helps diffuse tense situations
- I have very keen observation skills around body language and facial expression changes which tends to make me a good and empathic listener, and a good friend
- My decision-making abilities are actually pretty insanely good
And, for the first time since I was 16, if I have a happy memory of my mom, it is not accompanied with instant panic. That panic saved my life - my quality of life if not my actual life - when I was a teenager. Anything that would allow me to care how she felt about me back then jeopardized my safety. But now that I understand she must have had this terrible disorder - with much hostility and no thanks to her father for what he did to her - and it wasn't something either of us could've controlled, that it just was what it was ... oh my gosh, the relief. I feel like I might actually be a human after all, and I can acknowledge what's human in her for the first time in decades without flinching.
To her credit, she set out to never hit us, and she never did. And I can finally say "She did the best she could" and actually have that be more than intellectual.
February 14, 2010
Designed as a workbook for children of BPD parents to do introspective self work, this is best used as a follow up to Understanding the Borderline Mother or Stop Walking on Eggshells. This book does less explaining about the BPD parent then it does guide the adult child through the healing via questions, activities, and journal work. Best used if one is in a therapeutic relationship and able to discuss some of the journal work in that setting.
September 1, 2018
I would say Ms. Roth captured my father's essence. I didn't truly realize or accept until 1-1/2 years ago that he had mental health problems. Knowing that he did not purposefully set out to be so hateful harmful makes a huge difference in the way I remember him. Thank God that there is help for sufferers of this tragic disorder. Knowing others have felt the confusion, being "split" (especially the rejection and severe punishment when he saw me as "all bad"), the controlling, crazy false accusations, jealousy of other men in my life, tryning to keep me dependent on him so i would never abandon him, rage attacks, feeling the terror and being humiliated actually validate my perception that my life around him was as bad as I remember it. I feel great compassion and empathy for all of us survivors. I also understand now how I developed BPD myself, as well as CPTSD. Being able to put an explanation to my memories of him, understanding his behaviors had little to do with me (even though he told me I caused him to mistreat me when I hadn't done anything wrong or when I dared show a spark of independence), learning to understand his distorted thought processes that make sense of his inappropriate and very hurtful behaviors, and deeply realizing "THIS NEVER WAS ABOUT ME. . ." These truths are healing balm to my deep emotional wounds. Thank you for validating my emotions about my childhood. I'm very sorry any of us have to go through bad upbringings, but at least today we know we did not just dream up the insane experiences we remember and that we are not alone in our recovery. I just wish my Dad was alive today to recover himself, because he must have been hurting very badly himself. In 4 months after reading this book my feelings about him as a person are changing from anger, disgust, and hate into understanding, compassion,. . .love. Never thought I could say that during my lifetime. This book helped me tremendously. I think forgiveness, healing, and moving on are in my future now. I want this transgenerational disorder to stop with me.
December 16, 2022
At the beginning I found it very validating and enlightening as I myself have a borderline mother and I'm still working on fixing the damage left by her. I was however very disappointed when the book started talking about forgiveness as being good for you and about anger as being bad for you. If you are familiar with the work of doctor Gabor Mate, you will know that unexpressed justified anger is a very likely cause of cancer. If, also you are familiar with the work of doctor Susan Forward, you will also know that forgiveness can impede real healing as it blocks the necessary griefwork. People in mental health professions really need to lay off the forgiveness talk and stop demonizing justified anger. Or, if that is what some may want to do to themselves, at least not present it to others as having healing properties.
November 4, 2009
I finally finished this -- it's not a long book, but I read it in fits and starts. And it is full of work -- activities to try, self-reflection to think about, goals to plan, journal writing to do. And I've done none of it. I really need to go back to the beginning, and start all over and do the steps. But that is oh, so much work...
Nevertheless, for a child of a borderline parent, I definitely recommend the book! (I've found other books about dealing with someone with bpd less helpful. A parent with bpd has profound developmental effects on their children. Plus, an ongoing relationship with them is very different from dealing with a child or a partner who has bpd. So I liked the specific focus of this book.)
Nevertheless, for a child of a borderline parent, I definitely recommend the book! (I've found other books about dealing with someone with bpd less helpful. A parent with bpd has profound developmental effects on their children. Plus, an ongoing relationship with them is very different from dealing with a child or a partner who has bpd. So I liked the specific focus of this book.)
October 4, 2010
I only read this because I grew up with a Borderline parent. It was SO helpful, and brought so much insight. I have so many issues that I didn't realize were so related to my childhood, and it's relieving to know that I am not simply a defected human. I strongly recommend this to anyone who grew up with a Borderline parent, or suspects they did, or anyone with a partner/friend in either of those situations.
June 17, 2014
I could just feel tension drain out of me as I read through this. Incredibly helpful. I feel like I understand so much more about my family and myself, and I have walked away many good tools for coping with some of the less than pleasant interactions. Highly recommended for anyone who grew up in a chaotic and/or high conflict family.
August 5, 2025
This is a good starter book for adult children of parents with BPD traits. It helped me address a lot of questions I had about myself and my mother. It helped me feel less guilty about cutting her off but also has a lot of helpful information if you decide to stay around.
December 9, 2012
An excellent resource for clinicians and families. A lot of validating material in this text
January 1, 2016
Resonated with my past and feelings. Interesting exercises, though some feel a bit silly. Definitely a keeper as a reference.
February 12, 2017
I loved listening to this book with my husband, Henry. We're pretty sure his mother had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and we found this book to be quite enlightening.
December 24, 2020
Highly recommended for people whose parents were diagnosed with BPD or may have BPD traits. It doesn’t only offer validation, it also provides valuable guidance.
February 4, 2022
recommended by my therapist, this was extremely helpful to me. the second half was a little repetitive but the first half had me gasping at how seen and validated i felt. highly recommend to anyone raised in an erratic environment by a parent with bpd or bpd traits.
May 20, 2022
This would be a useful book for those just beginning to understand their childhood abuse and trauma from BPD. It would have been more helpful and useful for me if I’d found it in my 20s. However, it did validate that what I have done and worked on so far, is in line with their recommendations. There is always more to work through as it is a continual process.
May 28, 2022
Healing. Validating. A life changing read. I only wish I'd found it sooner.
April 9, 2024
in the wise words of that one kid on vine - “that shit hurted”
March 7, 2023
There are aspects to this book that are amazing. When I first started reading the sense of relief and of finally understanding the difficulties of both childhood and adulthood with someone who almost definitely has BPD was almost tear inducing. The sense of walking on eggshells and the dealing with black and white thinking and emotional turbulence and instability are just a smattering of not just the symptoms but daily life for anyone who lives with someone with BPD. This book goes in depth about every aspect of the condition and is eye opening. It comes at things from a well researched angle and gives lots of exercises (although I didn't personally find these massively helpful). One of the best parts I found was the different character representations (I.e the witch, the martyr, the hermit etc) which rung eerily true. But by far the most helpful part of this book were the real life stories from other adults of parents with the condition. If the book had only contained these accounts it would have been enough for me. Just to feel less alone was and is a huge deal to me.
I have a few issues that stop me rating higher. One is that the book sometimes feels very standoffish and clinical, and at other times is so dotted with references to intellectual books that it seems almost as if you're reading someone's university thesis. Sometimes it felt like the author lacked a bit of warmth in the pursuit of giving us knowledge. At one point there was even the flippancy of suggesting that you just 'see the funny side' of things. I mean... That's all well and good but what if you're going through what feels like absolute hell and there seems to be no escape? Only a lunatic could laugh at such a difficult circumstance.
Also, this book seems to think that just because you're adult you've got away from living with your BPD parent. Not everyone's situation is as easy as that. A flaw of this book is that it makes a lot of presumptions. What if you have some difficulties in life that require the help of your parent even as an adult? I.e with disabilities. You can't just say...oh I'm off out of here now.
To be fair, if you've managed to move out of home as an adult of a parent with BPD, surely your ability to manage the symptoms is a million times easier than it would be if you were still living with them. For a book that's aimed at 'surviving' a borderline parent, it doesn't really have any survival tips for living with them - at the stage you really need them. It's not hard to survive something when you're separated from it, after all.
I think the book has good intentions but maybe the title is a bit misleading, for the reasons I've already said. Overall it's definitely worth the read and is well written and well researched. The real life accounts are so helpful too. This book is a must have if you're only just coming to discover what BPD is and you suspect your parent might have it. I'm grateful this book exists!!
I have a few issues that stop me rating higher. One is that the book sometimes feels very standoffish and clinical, and at other times is so dotted with references to intellectual books that it seems almost as if you're reading someone's university thesis. Sometimes it felt like the author lacked a bit of warmth in the pursuit of giving us knowledge. At one point there was even the flippancy of suggesting that you just 'see the funny side' of things. I mean... That's all well and good but what if you're going through what feels like absolute hell and there seems to be no escape? Only a lunatic could laugh at such a difficult circumstance.
Also, this book seems to think that just because you're adult you've got away from living with your BPD parent. Not everyone's situation is as easy as that. A flaw of this book is that it makes a lot of presumptions. What if you have some difficulties in life that require the help of your parent even as an adult? I.e with disabilities. You can't just say...oh I'm off out of here now.
To be fair, if you've managed to move out of home as an adult of a parent with BPD, surely your ability to manage the symptoms is a million times easier than it would be if you were still living with them. For a book that's aimed at 'surviving' a borderline parent, it doesn't really have any survival tips for living with them - at the stage you really need them. It's not hard to survive something when you're separated from it, after all.
I think the book has good intentions but maybe the title is a bit misleading, for the reasons I've already said. Overall it's definitely worth the read and is well written and well researched. The real life accounts are so helpful too. This book is a must have if you're only just coming to discover what BPD is and you suspect your parent might have it. I'm grateful this book exists!!
July 26, 2015
An important read for anyone who grew up with a parent with borderline traits (even if they were never diagnosed with borderline personality disorder). It was recommended by a PhD psychologist blogger that I follow. The book helps you analyze your own patterns of thoughts and behaviors, and find healthier ways of thinking, being, and interacting. It is not an easy read (lots of memories and emotions) so I found I had to read it a little bit at a time and take time to process what I read. I also found it helpful to keep a journal while I read, to jot down things that resonated with me, about my parent and about myself.
September 27, 2007
This book is not as thorough as the Understanding the Borderline Mother, but still gives some insite into what it is like growing up a child of a Borderline Parent. It does give validation to the experiences that a person has while growing-up in a seriously dysfunctional home. There are not very many books dedicated to the topic of children of a BPD parent so I would still recommend this book to people who are struggling with understanding the confusing, abusive, unpredictable behavior of a parent.
October 25, 2015
A very succinct book on dealing with being the child of a Borderline parent. Each paragraph is full of insight into how to deal with picking up the pieces after a tough childhood dealing with a parent with issues that got in the way of them being a parent, and plenty of encouragement to really make you examine yourself. If you have a parent who suffers from this disorder, this book is a must have, although as it will tell you, it is only part of the solution to finding yourself, and it no substitute for counseling, healthy habits, etc.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 107 reviews