Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?

by Jordan Paul, Margaret Paul

This classic text for couples interested in creating freer, more joyful, and profoundly intimate relationships explores the delicate balance of being true to oneself and being loved by another.

Newly updated by the authors, here is the classic text for couples interested in creating freer, more joyful, and profoundly intimate relationships. In their best-selling book about couple relationships, Jordan Paul and Margaret Paul explore the delicate balance of being true to oneself and being loved by another. While couples think they are fighting about money, sex, or time, the authors reveal how such conflicts are almost always more deeply rooted and related to issues of self-protection. Offering a solid framework for conflict resolution, the authors guide couples in working through fears and false beliefs that can block the expression of loving feelings. Stories of couples and examples of dialogue validate readers- feelings and experiences.Key features and benefitsa proven best-sellerhighly recommended by marriage therapistsincludes exercises for couples to explore core beliefs and values

Genres: Self Help, Relationships, Psychology, Communication, Nonfiction

288 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1983

Reviews

[Morgan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I kept trying to pick up this book, and I pushed myself through a lot of it for a school assignment. But I just can’t get into it enough to finish it.

[Esra · Rating 2 out of 5]

While on one hand the things you do generate your
feelings, on the other hand your feelings generate the things you do.
So, if on a deep level you love someone but your behavior isn't
loving, there must be another feeling getting in the way. Almost every
time, that intervening feeling is some form of fear, guilt, or shame. As
we said in Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?, the
opposite of love is not hate, it is fear.

Loving behavior nurtures your own and another's emotional and spiritual
growth, promotes personal responsibility, and increases self-esteem.


because the conflict
taps in to many fears, and you believe that reacting openly would
leave you too vulnerable. These deeply ingrained beliefs and fears,
which were learned in childhood and lie buried in your subconscious,
have been causing you to react protectively to internal and external
conflicts since you were an infant; these responses, which have
become habit, have produced the patterned reactions that run your
life.
Understanding loving behavior made it disturbingly evident
that unhappiness is always a direct result of unloving behavior.

We all want love, and we wait for others to give it to us, but
love and good feelings occur in our lives only as we become more
loving.

In every conflict, the question never asked is, "What is the
loving behavior?" Because you haven't been trained to think in these
terms, you need first to learn what is loving and then to learn what
prevents you from behaving that way.

The real basis offear, guilt, and shame is false
beliefs. In fact, all negative feelings come from false beliefs. So, when
you change your beliefs, your feelings will change.


You cannot be in fear
and in love at the same time—you can only be in one or the other.

[Cathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great information on basic communication between people. Many examples of married couples, but this is for anyone who wants to communicate and have better relationships

[janicec100 · Rating 4 out of 5]

I especially liked the section on "Spiritual Guidance."

[David Yerks-Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was in a tumultuous relationship. This book gave me the answers I was looking for.

[Bryan457 · Rating 4 out of 5]

This one really clicked with me.

I prefer a "how to know each other better" approach, rather than the seemingly more common "this is the way you should be" approach.

It is a fairly simple concept, just a different way of looking at things that opens up a more or less limitless exploration of myself and my wife's thought processes, reasons for doing things, etc.

The main concept I took away is to choose to set aside judgment on acts, thoughts, reactions, etc., and instead assume that I and the other person both have very good/valid reasons for thinking, saying doing, reacting the way we do. The main emphasis is on exploring what those reasons are, as many layers deep as you can handle. So understanding instead of blaming and judging.

[Kit Fox · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was recommended some time ago, and it occurred to me that it might be useful to read it in order to better support a few people close to me. I was expecting an exploration of communication and compromise within relationships, and how that could lead to the erosion of self.

Instead, I got a bunch of self-congratulatory tripe reminiscent of the Fear<--->Love dichotomy from Donnie Darko - unproven assertions, repetition in place of research, weasel words to rival the Reverse Therapy book from last year, black-and-white scenarios, and sales tactics for the franchise. There may be some basic communication strategies in there that are useful if you haven't encountered them before, but they're better found elsewhere.

[Seth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't know how effective the strategies in this book are, but they at least initially, mostly resounded with me. The theory seems to be to accept that sometimes we will have childish emotions and to overcome our anger, withdrawal, criticism, and other behaviors to understand where our pain comes from. We need to accept pain, but let our spouse do what they want and hope (without demanding) that they will voluntarily change for the better. Don't know if it's effective and sometimes seems like there are actually right and wrong, but it seems like the strategies written in this book might be a good enough start.

[Matt]

I'm learning to accept myself for who I am and not change for my future signifigant other but try to figure out why she and I do the things we do.

[Jeanette · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was the book that was the first step to reclaiming my identity as a woman and to saving my marriage. Highly recommend it.

[Malaina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have learned about my self what makes me made and why it makes me mad. I need to explore our conflicts instead of protect myself

[Jerry And]

THINK I WANNA READ

[Özlem · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beni Sevmen İçin Kendimden Vaz mı Geçmeliyim?

[Creekbed09 · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read the book in the early 90’s after leaving my second marriage. I thought to myself, “Where was this book in 1974?”.

[Cara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Intent to learn vs. intent to protect--discussion vs. fight.