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HOW TO TALK SO TEENS WILL LISTEN AND LISTEN SO TEENS WILL TALK
How To Talk So Teens will Listen And Listen So Teens Will Talk
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First published August 23, 2005
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About the author
Adele Faber
72 books351 followersAdele Faber graduated from Queens College with a B.A. in theater and drama, earned her master's degree in education from New York University, and taught in the New York City high schools for eight years before joining the faculty of the New School for Social Research in New York and Family Life Institute of C.W. Post College of Long Island University. She is the mother of three children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 474 reviews
August 10, 2018
I wholeheartedly stand behind the belief that through our interactions with children we can learn how to behave respectfully to our surroundings; patience, kindness, and acceptance should be shown to all.
So, picking up this book at the library (where I coincidentally discovered the shelf full of psychology reads I'm about to devour!!) felt like the natural next step in learning more about our methods of communication. Also, I have a nine-year-old sister at home who I want to feel like she's being listened to as an equal, which is where this book came in handy.
I was beyond keen on making sure I'd implement the many useful pieces of advice offered in this quick read: The emphasis put on simply listening and making sure they know you're on their side, the importance of acknowledging the kid's emotions and not brushing them off, accusing vs. describing feelings, giving tips on problem-solving, being conscious in your word choice because truth without morality is not truth. Like this brilliant quote I read from Haim Ginott:
"Truth for its own sake can be a deadly weapon in family relations. Truth without compassion can destroy love. Some parents try too hard to prove exactly how, where and why they have been right. This approach will bring bitterness and disappointment. When attitudes are hostile, facts are unconvincing.”
These instances helped me understand the best:
• Why our "natural" response tends to minimize their emotions:
The ultimate goal of a parent is to reach the stage where their kid will have the confidence to listen to themselves and make responsible choices on their own.
“That’s the big challenge,” I said. “To shift our thinking from ‘how do I fix things?’ to ‘how do I enable my kids to fix things for themselves?’ ”
• On the negative connotations of punishment; opting to use alternatives such as #1 State your feelings. #2 State your expectations. #3 Show how to make amends. #4 Offer a choice. #5 Take action.”
“When you punish a kid, you close the door on him. He’s got no place to go. It’s a done deal. But when you take action, the kid might not like the action, but the door is still open. He still has a chance. He can face up to what he did and try to fix it. He can turn a ‘wrong’ into a ‘right.’ ”
Also: the four-panel comics really brought the ideas to life:
Instead of Angry Reprimands …
When Praising Kids
Instead of Evaluating …
In short:
• “Feelings matter. Not just your own, but those of people with whom you disagree.
• Civility matters. Anger can be expressed without insult.
• Words matter. What you choose to say can cause resentment or generate goodwill.
• Punishment has no place in a caring relationship. We’re all people in process—capable of making mistakes and capable of facing our mistakes and making amends.
• Our differences needn’t defeat us. Problems that seem insoluble can yield to respectful listening, creativity, and persistence.
• We all need to feel valued. Not only for who we are now, but for who we can become.”
Note: I’m an Amazon Affiliate. If you’re interested in buying How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk, just click on the image below to go through my link. I’ll make a small commission!
Support creators you love. Buy a Coffee for nat (bookspoils) with Ko-fi.com/bookspoils
This review and more can be found on my blog.
So, picking up this book at the library (where I coincidentally discovered the shelf full of psychology reads I'm about to devour!!) felt like the natural next step in learning more about our methods of communication. Also, I have a nine-year-old sister at home who I want to feel like she's being listened to as an equal, which is where this book came in handy.
How can I express my honest feelings in a way that will make it possible for the other person to hear me and even consider what I have to say?
I was beyond keen on making sure I'd implement the many useful pieces of advice offered in this quick read: The emphasis put on simply listening and making sure they know you're on their side, the importance of acknowledging the kid's emotions and not brushing them off, accusing vs. describing feelings, giving tips on problem-solving, being conscious in your word choice because truth without morality is not truth. Like this brilliant quote I read from Haim Ginott:
"Truth for its own sake can be a deadly weapon in family relations. Truth without compassion can destroy love. Some parents try too hard to prove exactly how, where and why they have been right. This approach will bring bitterness and disappointment. When attitudes are hostile, facts are unconvincing.”
These instances helped me understand the best:
• Why our "natural" response tends to minimize their emotions:
“I also think it’s natural,” I said, “for parents to push away painful or upsetting feelings. It’s hard for us to listen to our teenagers express their confusion or resentment or disappointment or discouragement. We can’t bear to see them unhappy. So it’s with the best of intentions that we dismiss their feelings and impose our adult logic. We want to show them the ‘right’ way to feel.”
The ultimate goal of a parent is to reach the stage where their kid will have the confidence to listen to themselves and make responsible choices on their own.
“That’s the big challenge,” I said. “To shift our thinking from ‘how do I fix things?’ to ‘how do I enable my kids to fix things for themselves?’ ”
• On the negative connotations of punishment; opting to use alternatives such as #1 State your feelings. #2 State your expectations. #3 Show how to make amends. #4 Offer a choice. #5 Take action.”
“When you punish a kid, you close the door on him. He’s got no place to go. It’s a done deal. But when you take action, the kid might not like the action, but the door is still open. He still has a chance. He can face up to what he did and try to fix it. He can turn a ‘wrong’ into a ‘right.’ ”
Also: the four-panel comics really brought the ideas to life:
Instead of Angry Reprimands …
When Praising Kids
Instead of Evaluating …
In short:
• “Feelings matter. Not just your own, but those of people with whom you disagree.
• Civility matters. Anger can be expressed without insult.
• Words matter. What you choose to say can cause resentment or generate goodwill.
• Punishment has no place in a caring relationship. We’re all people in process—capable of making mistakes and capable of facing our mistakes and making amends.
• Our differences needn’t defeat us. Problems that seem insoluble can yield to respectful listening, creativity, and persistence.
• We all need to feel valued. Not only for who we are now, but for who we can become.”
Note: I’m an Amazon Affiliate. If you’re interested in buying How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk, just click on the image below to go through my link. I’ll make a small commission!
Support creators you love. Buy a Coffee for nat (bookspoils) with Ko-fi.com/bookspoils
This review and more can be found on my blog.
May 10, 2013
I wasn't quite sure what to rate this one. I think if I could give half stars it would be a 3.5.
It's well written, great cartoons and a very helpful way to look at relationships in your life and how to communicate better. However, I felt the content was very sparse compared to the previous books (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Sibling Rivalry) and didn't really add a lot - just demonstrated how the same techniques could be altered slightly to improve relationships with your teens.
So while I would recommend this to anyone who had teenagers and hadn't read the previous books, I don't think it has the same impact for those who have already bought the previous books.
I'm glad I read it though, it's helped refresh my memory and my resolve to do better when talking with my children.
It's well written, great cartoons and a very helpful way to look at relationships in your life and how to communicate better. However, I felt the content was very sparse compared to the previous books (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Sibling Rivalry) and didn't really add a lot - just demonstrated how the same techniques could be altered slightly to improve relationships with your teens.
So while I would recommend this to anyone who had teenagers and hadn't read the previous books, I don't think it has the same impact for those who have already bought the previous books.
I'm glad I read it though, it's helped refresh my memory and my resolve to do better when talking with my children.
June 10, 2016
This book is so cheesy. I feel a little dumber after having listened to it.
The cheesiness of the dialogue is amplified by the cheesy way the Ms. Faber reads it. Picture an old TV show from the 50s where a boy in a ballcap says "Gee pop! That's swell!" That's the way the she reads this stuff. And the actual written dialog isn't much better.
According to the info, both writers are reading this audiobook. Their voices must be freakin' identical because I can't tell that there are 2 readers. I pulled up a GIS and they look like twins so I guess their voices can be the same too.
Ok, so if you really needed a book to tell you not to scream at your kid or call them names or whatever, this is your jam.
The authors' values are super hippy dippy. I think I'm pretty liberal, but I can't get down with a 13 year old smoking pot. Some stuff deserves more than a chilled out "conversation". I agree that going overboard can drive kids further away, but one can set some freakin' standards.
My mom loves this stuff and this is how I was raised so I can tell ya it's an ok method. It didn't kill me. It's probably as fine as anything else. But dagGONE is this stuff cheesy.
Also, I always thought the distinction between "punishment" and "consequences" was BS and I haven't changed my mind. Six of one, half dozen of another.
The cheesiness of the dialogue is amplified by the cheesy way the Ms. Faber reads it. Picture an old TV show from the 50s where a boy in a ballcap says "Gee pop! That's swell!" That's the way the she reads this stuff. And the actual written dialog isn't much better.
According to the info, both writers are reading this audiobook. Their voices must be freakin' identical because I can't tell that there are 2 readers. I pulled up a GIS and they look like twins so I guess their voices can be the same too.
Ok, so if you really needed a book to tell you not to scream at your kid or call them names or whatever, this is your jam.
The authors' values are super hippy dippy. I think I'm pretty liberal, but I can't get down with a 13 year old smoking pot. Some stuff deserves more than a chilled out "conversation". I agree that going overboard can drive kids further away, but one can set some freakin' standards.
My mom loves this stuff and this is how I was raised so I can tell ya it's an ok method. It didn't kill me. It's probably as fine as anything else. But dagGONE is this stuff cheesy.
Also, I always thought the distinction between "punishment" and "consequences" was BS and I haven't changed my mind. Six of one, half dozen of another.
August 31, 2020
Short audiobook.
Good advice, which is all about communication or how we communicate.
The advice is useful for all situations, really.
I hope I remember and put into practice some of the strategies and ways of communicating.
We shall see ... old habits, ingrained behaviours and ways of communicating die hard.
Good advice, which is all about communication or how we communicate.
The advice is useful for all situations, really.
I hope I remember and put into practice some of the strategies and ways of communicating.
We shall see ... old habits, ingrained behaviours and ways of communicating die hard.
October 2, 2017
الكتاب عبارة عن عدة ورش لأولياء الأمور، جمعت جميعها لتظهر لنا في ورشة واحدة عُقدت مع الوالدين والمراهقين. تؤكد الكاتبتان على أن معاشرة المراهقين لا تخلو من المتاعب، فهذه هي الحقيقة ولكن يسعى كتابهما لتعليم الوالدين مهارات تساعدهما في تجاوز كل ما ألم بهم من مصاعب مع أبنائهم المراهقين.
تتنوع المواضيع والفصول في الكتاب وأول موضوع طرح هو حول تعامل الأهل مع مشاعر ابنهم المراهق، ثم موضوع العقاب ويليه حل المشكلات، وفي الأخير تتنوع الفصول لتدور حول العلاقات الاجتماعية كالأهل والأصدقاء والعائلة وبالأخص علاقة الوالدين والمراهقين وأخيراً موضوع الجنس والمخدرات.
صيغة طرح المواضيع جميلة جداً في الكتاب، ففي بداية كل فصل تطرح مشكلة معين من خلال النقاش، ثم تعرض بصور مرسومة الاثنين معاً أي المشكلة والحل، ومن ثم يطرح الحل عبر أمثلة واقعية من خلال مناقشة الحضور.
الكتاب خفيف جداً، لغته سلسة وليست معقدة ولكن الملاحظة الوحيدة أنه كتاب فيه بعض المشكلات والحلول الغربية التي قد لا تتطابق مع قيم مجتماعتنا العربية.
"يمثل أولادنا هبتنا للغد. سيمكنهم، ما يختبرونه في بيوتنا اليوم، من منح العالم الذي سيرثونه كل السبل الكفيلة بالتأكيد على كرامة وإنسانية البشرية جمعاء"
February 7, 2020
Fairly patronising at times, but it was a bit of a refresher on how to communicate with your kids in a way that promotes acceptance and openness. I read the kids version of this book years ago, and it has been adapted for teens but there was a lot of overlap as you would expect.
April 22, 2013
أسلوب هذا الكتاب سهل وممتع حيث أذكرأنني قرأته وأنا في الصف الثالث المتوسط.
أنصح به للمراهقين وللآباءأيضًا.
أنصح به للمراهقين وللآباءأيضًا.
April 8, 2013
This book offers solid but general tactics for fostering positive communication with your kids. It does not, however, go far enough in terms of giving advice for dealing with teenagers. The scenarios play out too optimistically, with teens relenting quickly. The authors virtually skip common challenges like what to do when your teen is being irrational or continues to push back or outright defies you. And, there is no mention of what to do about the "communication" trick most teens have mastered: lying.
I am a big fan of the original "How to Talk." I was disappointed with this follow-up as it's merely a rehash of the original with little else to offer.
I am a big fan of the original "How to Talk." I was disappointed with this follow-up as it's merely a rehash of the original with little else to offer.
February 20, 2019
Teens are in that beautifully awkward growing period... not yet adults and mostly done with being little kids. This book is a really helpful reminder of 1) how they're thinking about life and 2) how to respond and listen well to encourage communication. It's immensely practical.
October 19, 2021
Read this book on the recommendation of a friend, with whom I was discussing the challenges that come with adult/teen relationships (or, in my case, immediate pre-teen).
As she said in her review, it would be great if this book were updated to address the challenges that come with iPhones and social media -- and, might I add, multi-player gaming.
That said, otherwise it's a very useful guide to constructive communication, and I say that as someone who once was paid to instruct adults on that very topic.
If you don't have time to read the book, here is the key takeaway section from the end. Summarized, "children learn what they live," and it's important that they learn that in regard to both themselves and the adults in their lives:
- Feelings matter - yours, mine, everybody's.
- Civility matters - it is possible to express anger without insult.
- Words matter - they can either generate goodwill or cause hard feelings.
- Punishment has no place in a caring relationship - just as we all make mistakes, we all should be considered capable of facing our mistakes and making amends.
- Our differences needn't defeat us - use respectful listening, creativity, and persistence, and even the most difficult problems can be solved.
- We all need to feel valued - not only for who we are now, but who we can become.
Affirm the dignity and humanity in all people, is the message.
Even when their bedroom does smell like three-week-old unwashed gym socks and is littered with empty Dr Pepper bottles. :-)
As she said in her review, it would be great if this book were updated to address the challenges that come with iPhones and social media -- and, might I add, multi-player gaming.
That said, otherwise it's a very useful guide to constructive communication, and I say that as someone who once was paid to instruct adults on that very topic.
If you don't have time to read the book, here is the key takeaway section from the end. Summarized, "children learn what they live," and it's important that they learn that in regard to both themselves and the adults in their lives:
- Feelings matter - yours, mine, everybody's.
- Civility matters - it is possible to express anger without insult.
- Words matter - they can either generate goodwill or cause hard feelings.
- Punishment has no place in a caring relationship - just as we all make mistakes, we all should be considered capable of facing our mistakes and making amends.
- Our differences needn't defeat us - use respectful listening, creativity, and persistence, and even the most difficult problems can be solved.
- We all need to feel valued - not only for who we are now, but who we can become.
Affirm the dignity and humanity in all people, is the message.
Even when their bedroom does smell like three-week-old unwashed gym socks and is littered with empty Dr Pepper bottles. :-)
June 9, 2019
I have teenagers, well one teenager and one preteen, but I want very much to raise them well and as Hermione says, "When in doubt, go to the library." I haven't read parenting books since I had babies, but I thought I would see what I could learn about teens. When I came across How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, I was plenty interested. Communicating with teens is no easy task so I was happy to read all about it.
This book is very short and compact- it only took me a day to get through it- but it has some good advice: Listen to your children, respect them as individual people. The most valuable comment I read was that the way we deal with the little things (bad table manners, messy bedrooms) will lay the groundwork for all the big things (drugs, sex). This book doesn't imply that we let our children do whatever they'd like, but that as we are redirecting their behavior, it is possible to communicate in a way that is respectful rather than degrading.
Unfortunately, this book felt outdated and a little cheesy. I don't feel like I learned much, but since it was a library loaner and didn't take up too much of my time, I'm not too worried about it.
This book is very short and compact- it only took me a day to get through it- but it has some good advice: Listen to your children, respect them as individual people. The most valuable comment I read was that the way we deal with the little things (bad table manners, messy bedrooms) will lay the groundwork for all the big things (drugs, sex). This book doesn't imply that we let our children do whatever they'd like, but that as we are redirecting their behavior, it is possible to communicate in a way that is respectful rather than degrading.
Unfortunately, this book felt outdated and a little cheesy. I don't feel like I learned much, but since it was a library loaner and didn't take up too much of my time, I'm not too worried about it.
May 12, 2017
مفيد في المعلومات لكن مربك جداً في التطبيق وبحاجة لتمرين كثير
المشاكل التي يعالجها بعيدة عن مشاكل مراهقينا لكن بقليل من الجهد يمكن الاستفادة من الاسلوب
مستفز ومثير للأعصاب في بعض الاحيان اذ من الصعب ضبط لنفس مع بعض المشاكل المطروحة او حتى الأمثلة على الردود من المراهقين في الكتاب
أسلوب الكتاب جذاب وممتع ومختلف عن غيره من الكتب التي تعالج مواضيع مشابهة
المشاكل التي يعالجها بعيدة عن مشاكل مراهقينا لكن بقليل من الجهد يمكن الاستفادة من الاسلوب
مستفز ومثير للأعصاب في بعض الاحيان اذ من الصعب ضبط لنفس مع بعض المشاكل المطروحة او حتى الأمثلة على الردود من المراهقين في الكتاب
أسلوب الكتاب جذاب وممتع ومختلف عن غيره من الكتب التي تعالج مواضيع مشابهة
May 27, 2018
Useful Material
The techniques of mindful listening, thinking, and speaking that are discussed in this text seem really useful in the everyday world.
The techniques of mindful listening, thinking, and speaking that are discussed in this text seem really useful in the everyday world.
June 15, 2022
I love these authors so much. In my fantasy life, I would parent just like they do in their books. I also love the structure and relatability of these books, with all of the real, concrete examples and cartoons. I find myself taking lots of notes and pictures as I am reading. Although this teen version was very similar to the version for younger children, it put all the same concepts into real life teen examples that I thought were super helpful.
It’s always a struggle to put parenting and self-help books into practice but hopefully I can remember and implement a lot of this!! Highly recommend, but I recommend reading the regular version for kids first.
It’s always a struggle to put parenting and self-help books into practice but hopefully I can remember and implement a lot of this!! Highly recommend, but I recommend reading the regular version for kids first.
February 4, 2017
To już kolejna książka duetu Faber/Mazlish, po którą sięgam. Dzieci rosną i na szczęście autorki podążają za tym rozwojem, proponując pozycję skierowaną dla rodziców nastolatków. Nie zmienia się jednak metoda, prezentowana już w poprzednich poradnikach.
Faber i Mazlish stawiają na słuchanie, mówienie o własnych uczuciach, dialog. Zmienia się jednak nieco sposób rozmowy, a przede wszystkim odmienne są problemy nastolatków. Co innego martwi rodziców, na inne niebezpieczeństwa narażona jest młodzież.
Książka napisana jest w formie relacji ze spotkań z rodzicami w pewnej szkole. Terapeutka prowadzi kilka rozmów z rodzicami, podczas których poznaje ich problemy, a następnie przedstawia swoje propozycje. Czyni to w formie warsztatów, by umożliwić dyskusje i pozwolić rodzicom wypróbowa ć poprzez ćwiczenia nowe sposoby prowadzenia rozmowy. Głównymi tematami są więc uczucia, zakres nadzoru nad poczynaniami dzieci, kary czy wspólne poszukiwanie rozwiązań zaistniałych problemów. Po kilku spotkaniach z rodzicami, terapeutka przeprowadza warsztaty z nastolatkami. Te spotkania tak bardzo podobają się rodzicom i dzieciom, że postanawiają przeprowadzić warsztaty wspólnie.
Ciąg dalszy: http://przeczytalamksiazke.blogspot.p...
Faber i Mazlish stawiają na słuchanie, mówienie o własnych uczuciach, dialog. Zmienia się jednak nieco sposób rozmowy, a przede wszystkim odmienne są problemy nastolatków. Co innego martwi rodziców, na inne niebezpieczeństwa narażona jest młodzież.
Książka napisana jest w formie relacji ze spotkań z rodzicami w pewnej szkole. Terapeutka prowadzi kilka rozmów z rodzicami, podczas których poznaje ich problemy, a następnie przedstawia swoje propozycje. Czyni to w formie warsztatów, by umożliwić dyskusje i pozwolić rodzicom wypróbowa ć poprzez ćwiczenia nowe sposoby prowadzenia rozmowy. Głównymi tematami są więc uczucia, zakres nadzoru nad poczynaniami dzieci, kary czy wspólne poszukiwanie rozwiązań zaistniałych problemów. Po kilku spotkaniach z rodzicami, terapeutka przeprowadza warsztaty z nastolatkami. Te spotkania tak bardzo podobają się rodzicom i dzieciom, że postanawiają przeprowadzić warsztaty wspólnie.
Ciąg dalszy: http://przeczytalamksiazke.blogspot.p...
February 1, 2012
I really liked this book. I learned so much things in it. As a teen I realize that there is so much things going on in the world now that out parents didn't encounter at our age but they are trying their best to understand us. Reading this also helped me think about what I might do instead of just yelling when my mom and I get into a heated argument. I truly recommend this book to those adults needing help connect to their teenager or teens that want to change their relationship with their parents.
August 18, 2017
Rather boring with a touch of stupid. This book hasn't enlightened me at all. I found that I was doing most of the things already, and probably any parent treating their child with respect does too. At least it's slightly better that the previous one, a touch more mature but still written as for the mentally impaired or something.
December 13, 2021
Some helpful tools in this book. Not a comprehensive strategy, more a reframing of the way you communicate. Always appreciate a new perspective and will definitely put some of this to use.
Read
November 30, 2024Read for school, gave some helpful suggestions for talking with teens but is a little outdated. Overall easy to read and use the skills tho!
September 26, 2020
This book is why I need to write reviews a lot sooner after I read the book.
I wasn't expecting much insight here that I haven't seen before, but... I got it! Not only are there several good pieces of advice in here, but the advice is organized in a way where it's easy to digest. The chapters are short, and each one is focused on one technique. The authors summarize the key points at the end of each chapter. There are conversational examples to demonstrate each technique, and often example stories about how each one works... or doesn't. There's even some discussion about how he techniques don't work, and what to do when they don't. As an engineer, I am often looking for authors to go that extra mile and I rarely see it.
I would also say the techniques are easy to remember, but... clearly they are not since I don't remember any specific technique seven months later! I think I have incorporated one or two of them in talking with my own teens, but I don't remember exactly what. THIS is why I need to write the review a lot sooner. I meant to scan through the book, take notes, and list the techniques here. I also meant to keep that list of notes and review it every few months myself to refresh my memory. Unfortunately, I haven't done that yet, so now I can't remember :/
In writing this review, I was thinking about how I will need to read it again to take those notes. That's not such a bad thing, except I wasn't looking forward to checking it out from the library in the time of COVID-19. Then I realized I'd tagged this book "ebook", which usually means I bought it in Kindle format. I checked for it on my Kindle, and lo and behold, I have it! Shouldn't be hard to re-read, then. This time I *will* take notes! I might actually bump it up to 5 stars when I do. That's usually one of the criteria for my giving a 5-star rating.
I wasn't expecting much insight here that I haven't seen before, but... I got it! Not only are there several good pieces of advice in here, but the advice is organized in a way where it's easy to digest. The chapters are short, and each one is focused on one technique. The authors summarize the key points at the end of each chapter. There are conversational examples to demonstrate each technique, and often example stories about how each one works... or doesn't. There's even some discussion about how he techniques don't work, and what to do when they don't. As an engineer, I am often looking for authors to go that extra mile and I rarely see it.
I would also say the techniques are easy to remember, but... clearly they are not since I don't remember any specific technique seven months later! I think I have incorporated one or two of them in talking with my own teens, but I don't remember exactly what. THIS is why I need to write the review a lot sooner. I meant to scan through the book, take notes, and list the techniques here. I also meant to keep that list of notes and review it every few months myself to refresh my memory. Unfortunately, I haven't done that yet, so now I can't remember :/
In writing this review, I was thinking about how I will need to read it again to take those notes. That's not such a bad thing, except I wasn't looking forward to checking it out from the library in the time of COVID-19. Then I realized I'd tagged this book "ebook", which usually means I bought it in Kindle format. I checked for it on my Kindle, and lo and behold, I have it! Shouldn't be hard to re-read, then. This time I *will* take notes! I might actually bump it up to 5 stars when I do. That's usually one of the criteria for my giving a 5-star rating.
November 1, 2021
Well, it's definitely not the miracle I wanted it to be, but this book is worth reading and has some great talking points. There were 2 or 3 chapters in particular that I found helpful and would love to just rip those out and reread them once a week. Although, I will say that when I tried some of her techniques the response I got from my boys was so not what I wanted that I almost had to laugh. However, they do give you a lifeline to hang on to when you are about to completely lose your sh*t over frustrating teens. Be prepared though, if you decide to read this, it is extremely cheesy.
March 2, 2020
I’m a big fan of this writer duo and am particularly grateful for the wisdom gained from all their books I’ve read so far...
First was How to talk so kids will listen - applied again and again with my kids when they were 4-10...Also read Liberated Parents, Liberated Children at the same time. Then I just forgot about these skills for the last few years..When my kids became teenagers and everyone started talking about all the burdens and expectations that go with this supposedly difficult age, I was reminded of this books existence by a friend.
How timely it was. This book reminds me to be empathetic, not to jump to conclusions and to talk less and listen more. The format of the book makes it a very relatable read, and my favourite section is on the workshop where they meet the kids and the thoughts they share.
This is a fundamental book in communication and there’s great value to be gained from it again and again.
First was How to talk so kids will listen - applied again and again with my kids when they were 4-10...Also read Liberated Parents, Liberated Children at the same time. Then I just forgot about these skills for the last few years..When my kids became teenagers and everyone started talking about all the burdens and expectations that go with this supposedly difficult age, I was reminded of this books existence by a friend.
How timely it was. This book reminds me to be empathetic, not to jump to conclusions and to talk less and listen more. The format of the book makes it a very relatable read, and my favourite section is on the workshop where they meet the kids and the thoughts they share.
This is a fundamental book in communication and there’s great value to be gained from it again and again.
September 19, 2019
یک خاطره و بعد چند جمله ای درباره کتاب:
"داشتیم درس را میخواندیم که عسل سکسکه اش گرفت، با هر سکسکه صدای خنده های زیر زیرکی بچه ها را میشنیدم اما به درس ادامه میدادم، چند دقیقه بعد یکی از بچه ها از پشت سر عسل را صدا زد، تا عسل برگشت و گفت بله دیدم قطرات آب دارد از سر و صورت و کتاب عسل و زمین و هوا میچکد. چند لحظه گذشت تا بفهمم چه شده! رو به شاگردم که آب ریخته بود گفتم چرا این کار را کردی؟
با خنده گفت: میخواستم عسل را بترسانم که سکسکه اش بند بیاید ، نمیدانستم در قمقمه ام باز است، میخواستم فقط ادای پرت کردن قمقمه را در بیاورم!
گفتم: دخترِخوب! وسطِ درس! باید با من هماهنگ میکردی!
گفت: ببخشید دیگه! من کتابم رو میدم به عسل!
نگاه کردم به عسل و کتاب و لباس هایش و لباس خودم و کتاب های بعضی از بچه ها که از قطرات آب در امان نمانده بودند. چشم همه ی کلاس به واکنش من بود! هم خنده ام گرفته بود هم احساس میکردم نباید همینطوری از کنارش بگذرم. رو کردم به شاگردم و گفتم چند دقیقه ای برو بیرون و به کارت فکر کن!
شاگردم از جا بلند شد و گفت: باشه خانوم! میرم آب میخورم میام!
یک دفعه دیدم بچه ها دارند میگویند: خوشبه حالت داری میروی بیا سر راه قمقمه های ما را هم پر کن!
عسل هم گفت: ممنونم! سکسکه م بند اومد.
وضعیت اسف بار بامزه ای بود آن لحظه ای که فهمیدم واقعا تنبیهم نه تنها هیچ اثری نداشته، اتفاقا رفتار را تقویت هم کرده. ولی واقعا نمیدانستم کار درست چه بوده؟"
روزهای معلمی ام پر بود از این اتفاقات بامزه یا تلخ توی کلاس، لجبازی ها، غم ها و گریه ها، خنده ها و بازیگوشی هایی که برای هیچ کدام مطمئن نبودم واکنشم درست است یا نه. این تابستان تصمیم گرفتم بیشتر درباره شان بخوانم و بدانم و بپرسم که رفتارهایم سال دیگر بهتر از امسال باشد.
اولین کتابی که میخواهم در این زمینه معرفی کنم #به_نوجوانان_گفتن_از_نوجوانان_شنیدن" است.
یک کتاب خیلی کاربردی که به جای زیاده گویی و تکرارهای بیهوده تکنیک های عملی برای حرف زدن با نوجوان ها در موقعیت های مختلف را نشان داده است، که باید ببینیم کدامهایشان روی نوجوانان ما جواب میدهد. با تمرین و تکرارشان احتمالا روابطمان با نوجوان ها چند پله بهتر از قبل میشود.
"داشتیم درس را میخواندیم که عسل سکسکه اش گرفت، با هر سکسکه صدای خنده های زیر زیرکی بچه ها را میشنیدم اما به درس ادامه میدادم، چند دقیقه بعد یکی از بچه ها از پشت سر عسل را صدا زد، تا عسل برگشت و گفت بله دیدم قطرات آب دارد از سر و صورت و کتاب عسل و زمین و هوا میچکد. چند لحظه گذشت تا بفهمم چه شده! رو به شاگردم که آب ریخته بود گفتم چرا این کار را کردی؟
با خنده گفت: میخواستم عسل را بترسانم که سکسکه اش بند بیاید ، نمیدانستم در قمقمه ام باز است، میخواستم فقط ادای پرت کردن قمقمه را در بیاورم!
گفتم: دخترِخوب! وسطِ درس! باید با من هماهنگ میکردی!
گفت: ببخشید دیگه! من کتابم رو میدم به عسل!
نگاه کردم به عسل و کتاب و لباس هایش و لباس خودم و کتاب های بعضی از بچه ها که از قطرات آب در امان نمانده بودند. چشم همه ی کلاس به واکنش من بود! هم خنده ام گرفته بود هم احساس میکردم نباید همینطوری از کنارش بگذرم. رو کردم به شاگردم و گفتم چند دقیقه ای برو بیرون و به کارت فکر کن!
شاگردم از جا بلند شد و گفت: باشه خانوم! میرم آب میخورم میام!
یک دفعه دیدم بچه ها دارند میگویند: خوشبه حالت داری میروی بیا سر راه قمقمه های ما را هم پر کن!
عسل هم گفت: ممنونم! سکسکه م بند اومد.
وضعیت اسف بار بامزه ای بود آن لحظه ای که فهمیدم واقعا تنبیهم نه تنها هیچ اثری نداشته، اتفاقا رفتار را تقویت هم کرده. ولی واقعا نمیدانستم کار درست چه بوده؟"
روزهای معلمی ام پر بود از این اتفاقات بامزه یا تلخ توی کلاس، لجبازی ها، غم ها و گریه ها، خنده ها و بازیگوشی هایی که برای هیچ کدام مطمئن نبودم واکنشم درست است یا نه. این تابستان تصمیم گرفتم بیشتر درباره شان بخوانم و بدانم و بپرسم که رفتارهایم سال دیگر بهتر از امسال باشد.
اولین کتابی که میخواهم در این زمینه معرفی کنم #به_نوجوانان_گفتن_از_نوجوانان_شنیدن" است.
یک کتاب خیلی کاربردی که به جای زیاده گویی و تکرارهای بیهوده تکنیک های عملی برای حرف زدن با نوجوان ها در موقعیت های مختلف را نشان داده است، که باید ببینیم کدامهایشان روی نوجوانان ما جواب میدهد. با تمرین و تکرارشان احتمالا روابطمان با نوجوان ها چند پله بهتر از قبل میشود.
October 26, 2017
A relatively helpful self-help book designed to foster better communication between parents/adults and teenagers. I see that many of the other reviews saying it’s all fairly obvious stuff and what every parent should be doing naturally. However, the point they miss in their sanctimoniousness is that not every parent knows these tricks, it’s not like there were lessons about parenting at any point in school or during your first pregnancy.
We know that people tend to follow the pattern of how they were raised and if you had parents that believed in harsh discipline, were emotionally distant or terrible communicators, how on earth would you know these simple ways to open dialogue with you kids?
I agree with some of the comments that the cartoons/examples are cheesy (not the biggest sin in the world) and far too quick to work, but they are meant to be examples and not case studies.
In the end it’s tough raising a kid and every little bit helps. If you know 9 out of 10 of these ways to communicate, fair enough, but it still gives you one good idea and improves you’re parenting skills. Personally, I found it very helpful.
We know that people tend to follow the pattern of how they were raised and if you had parents that believed in harsh discipline, were emotionally distant or terrible communicators, how on earth would you know these simple ways to open dialogue with you kids?
I agree with some of the comments that the cartoons/examples are cheesy (not the biggest sin in the world) and far too quick to work, but they are meant to be examples and not case studies.
In the end it’s tough raising a kid and every little bit helps. If you know 9 out of 10 of these ways to communicate, fair enough, but it still gives you one good idea and improves you’re parenting skills. Personally, I found it very helpful.
September 29, 2019
I need books like this from time to time. There is not groundbreaking information in these pages, just collected and organized tidbits of information presented in a way for all of us to understand.
I’m not a great communicator and often my intentions are not delivered with the way of hope. Especially with the kids.
So I was recommended this book by a dear friend who is wise beyond wise.
I like the way the author sets up scenarios and role plays. Some of the topics bordered in cheesy, but I took away a few things I’m anxious to try.
Someone once said if we aren’t consistently looking for ways to improve then by default we are accepting the fact that we are content with getting worse.
I’m not a great communicator and often my intentions are not delivered with the way of hope. Especially with the kids.
So I was recommended this book by a dear friend who is wise beyond wise.
I like the way the author sets up scenarios and role plays. Some of the topics bordered in cheesy, but I took away a few things I’m anxious to try.
Someone once said if we aren’t consistently looking for ways to improve then by default we are accepting the fact that we are content with getting worse.
October 21, 2017
Rating 4.5/5.0
A great parenting and communication book! It actually laid out some common knowledge. However, it gave us examples on how to use it on parenting, especially for teenagers. It covered the simplest issues like doing homework until the most serious problem like sex and drugs. I'm not a parent, but I can definitely see myself using the lessons I got from this book. A must read for parents!
The missing half of the rating is because I still got confused at some points, but overall, this is a great book.
A great parenting and communication book! It actually laid out some common knowledge. However, it gave us examples on how to use it on parenting, especially for teenagers. It covered the simplest issues like doing homework until the most serious problem like sex and drugs. I'm not a parent, but I can definitely see myself using the lessons I got from this book. A must read for parents!
The missing half of the rating is because I still got confused at some points, but overall, this is a great book.
June 7, 2016
Very straightforward approach to communication with teenagers and really anyone. I'm neither a parent nor a teen but as a teacher, I feel like any approach can help. The author's advice is down-to-earth and easy to implement, with lots of examples. It's an excellent book and all that's left for me to do is adapt it for the classroom and see if it works.
April 28, 2014
A few very good, very practical ideas about communicating effectively with teens, padded/repeated in different ways, to make it into a book (with cartoons).
Want to read
March 2, 2015Ich habe ein Buch bei BookCrossing.com registriert!
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/13205441
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/13205441
April 29, 2017
Much the same advice with original How to Talk book. Good reminders.
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