Sh*t Towns of New Zealand

by Anonymous

From Auckland to the bubbling pit of Rotorua, New Zealand is a veritable smorgasbord of crappy towns and shitty cities.

Slagging off our towns is as much a national pastime as binge drinking and homoerotic ball sports. Ever since a Dutch bloke in a sailboat did a driveby and claimed to have discovered the place (much to the chagrin of Maori living here), New Zealanders have revelled in taking the piss.

The towns reviewed in this volume have been carefully selected using an exacting set of scientific criteria based on the Scheisse-Ortschaft Formula, combined with extensive field research and a healthy sense of humour.

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor

159 pages, Paperback

Published October 24, 2018

About the author

Books can be attributed to "Anonymous" for several reasons:

* They are officially published under that name
* They are traditional stories not attributed to a specific author
* They are religious texts not generally attributed to a specific author

Books whose authorship is merely uncertain should be attributed to Unknown.

See also: Anonymous

Reviews

[Tracey Allen at Carpe Librum · Rating 3 out of 5]

New Zealand has a special place in my heart, but Sh*t Towns of New Zealand contains some real laugh out loud moments and I enjoyed reading it. The anonymous author raised a few suspicions at first (who is she/he?) but these are soon forgotten as you discover their views on the crappy towns and suburbs in New Zealand. There's a lot of 'taking the piss' going on.

Here's a snippet to set the scene from the section about Auckland on page 23:

"Iconic Landmark: The Sky Tower, a casino-owned structure shaped like a giant hypodermic needle as a tribute to the homeless junkies who sleep beneath it."

They're right too, the tower does look exactly like a hypodermic needle. Bwahahahah!

Several entries had me rushing off to Google to fact check (Shrek the Sheep, the Nick Smith squatting statue) and one of my favourites was the small town of Bulls on page 95. According to the author:

"Some time ago, some bright spark decided the best way to compensate for Bulls' blatant boringness was for every business in town to be christened with a bull-related pun. Cop shop? Const-a-Bull. Pharmacy? Dispens-a-Bull. Public toilets? Relieve-a-Bull. Brothel? Shag-a-Bull. Doctors? Cure-a-Bull. Abortion Clinic? Dispos-a-Bull."

I don't know about you, but I love this kind of pun and reading about this place made me want to visit the town of Bulls right away.

I did have a few criticisms though and thought this contained way too many references to STDs and teenage pregnancies. Some of the slights on locations seemed a little repetitive at times and readers should know it contains a lot of adult content.

Sh*t Towns of New Zealand is a great gift book or stocking stuffer for Kiwis and those with a fondness for the Land of the Long White Cloud.

Kia Ora.

* Copy courtesy of Allen & Unwin *

[Keen Reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

“There are two types of people in Waiuku: people who work at the steel mill and people who get beaten up by people who work at the steel mill. Waiuku is the sort of mill town too sad to make a Springsteen song about.”

Almost nowhere throughout NZ escapes the poison pen of this alternative and not entirely inaccurate guide to NZ. “If You Work Here, You Probably Can’t Afford to Live Here.” Is an amusing but also very accurate point made about the over commercialised town of Queenstown, and almost every other major tourist destination is called out for its BS and its darker, often more interesting side is revealed.

“1.Spend four hours in traffic trying to drive to work. 2. Work 80 hours a week to pay rent on a leaky shoebox apartment. 5. Buy a bag of avocados for the same price as an Invercargill house deposit. 10. Move to another town that doesn’t want you there.” This is just a small sample from their Ten Things To Do In Auckland list which was one of the many parts of this book which had me laughing aloud.

This took a while to warm up but by the time we got to the Auckland section I was laughing away as all of the clichés and attacks hit home with a frightening accuracy. Without doubt the STD jokes are overdone and lose all potency by the time we get half way through, and they clearly run out of material as they over play the small town racist card and recycle the same jokes over and over. Also the vast majority of this is centred on the North Island and the Mainland is reduced to nothing more than a cursory highlights glance, which gives a laziness/the budget ran out half way through feel to this (mostly) fun guide to the NZ you won’t find in the brochure.

[Ihor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ну автор і захейтив Нову Зеландію, якби я мислив так негативно, то певно давно вже б втопився. Навіть не знаю, читаєш й здвється, що в Новій Зеландї суцільна лажа й облом. Цікаво, що б автор сказав про Україну якби помандрував нею. Як на мене, то багато в яких країнах можна знайти вдосталь негативу. Але тут просто квінтесенція. Мені аж жаль стало Нову Зеландію. Не думав, що все аж так погано🤔

[Di]

Fantastic!

So funny...and more than a little bit accurate. Laughed so hard and recommended it to all my Kiwi friends! Shit Towns of Australia needs to be published - I would buy that too.

[iansomething · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is obviously a joke but perhaps sharing elements of truth as the author is listed as anonymous.

I found this in an opshop in Whangarei for 50cents. I was reluctant to spend that much money but I thought I'd splurge. It’s likely to return to a different op shop soon and sold for a similar price tag.

The usage of words like -
“shit”
“shitsicle”
“shit pit”
“shitropolis”
were used to describe the country, its cities and towns.

Did learn a new fact - in 1893 NZ was the first country to allow woman to vote

and kiwi fruits were originally called Chinese gooseberries.

It’s not very amusing unless toilet humour is your thing.

[Sarah Jackson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Marvellous! I hope this is going to be a series. I can see an immediate need for "Sh*t Towns of Australia" and the USA just for starters. I was immediately drawn to this natty little gift book, when I spied the endorsements on the front cover: 'Offensive' and 'Pretty Funny'. Yep this was going to be a keeper. As much as I love New Zealand, it's incredible natural beauty, and the towns and places I have been to, I must admit that some of these descriptions ring true. Great fun and well worth a read.

[Iri · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's funny, if not a slightly bitter, guide to New Zealand. It's definitely a great read if you don't have time to go to most places and want to feel good about not missing out on anything.

I greatly enjoyed knowing that the little time I could spend in most places was plenty, and the places I skipped had nothing worthwhile.

I am seriously thinking of getting this book as a gift to my Kiwi friend just to see what he has to say about it!

[Susannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a New Zealander, I found this book hilarious. It covers a lot of towns, big and small, from the top of The North Island, to the bottom of The South Island. Facetiously written and scarily accurate at times, it really did make me laugh out loud. Although some of the "fun facts" cannot be true, it is not readily apparent which ones those are...

[Jessie · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.25. A solidly funny little tome, with tons of snarky humor and in-jokes that made me literally cackle, though some of the bits get repetitive over time.

For me, best enjoyed in small doses over time, read out loud to the one person in my life who loves New Zealand as much as I do (my partner)

[The Twins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of it is hilarious!

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just awesome. If you can't take a joke though, this is not for you.

[BMK · Rating 5 out of 5]

Piss funny. This was someone else's Xmas gift but I had a few hours to spare and thought I'd give it a crack. Quite alot of laugh out loud stuff. Some hilariously brutal putdowns.

[LibraryKath · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's the same joke over and over, but it's a bit of frivolous fun. I'd love to see an Australian one, but it would have to be encyclopaedic in size! Rest assured, I still love New Zealand after reading this one.