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Surviving the White Gaze: A Memoir
A stirring and powerful memoir from black cultural critic Rebecca Carroll recounting her painful struggle to overcome a completely white childhood in order to forge her identity as a black woman in America.
Rebecca Carroll grew up the only black person in her rural New Hampshire town. Adopted at birth by artistic parents who believed in peace, love, and zero population growth, her early childhood was loving and idyllic—and yet she couldn’t articulate the deep sense of isolation she increasingly felt as she grew older.
Everything changed when she met her birth mother, a young white woman, who consistently undermined Carroll’s sense of her blackness and self-esteem. Carroll’s childhood became harrowing, and her memoir explores the tension between the aching desire for her birth mother’s acceptance, the loyalty she feels toward her adoptive parents, and the search for her racial identity. As an adult, Carroll forged a path from city to city, struggling along the way with difficult boyfriends, depression, eating disorders, and excessive drinking. Ultimately, through the support of her chosen black family, she was able to heal.
Intimate and illuminating, Surviving the White Gaze is a timely examination of racism and racial identity in America today, and an extraordinarily moving portrait of resilience.
Rebecca Carroll grew up the only black person in her rural New Hampshire town. Adopted at birth by artistic parents who believed in peace, love, and zero population growth, her early childhood was loving and idyllic—and yet she couldn’t articulate the deep sense of isolation she increasingly felt as she grew older.
Everything changed when she met her birth mother, a young white woman, who consistently undermined Carroll’s sense of her blackness and self-esteem. Carroll’s childhood became harrowing, and her memoir explores the tension between the aching desire for her birth mother’s acceptance, the loyalty she feels toward her adoptive parents, and the search for her racial identity. As an adult, Carroll forged a path from city to city, struggling along the way with difficult boyfriends, depression, eating disorders, and excessive drinking. Ultimately, through the support of her chosen black family, she was able to heal.
Intimate and illuminating, Surviving the White Gaze is a timely examination of racism and racial identity in America today, and an extraordinarily moving portrait of resilience.
320 pages, Paperback
First published February 2, 2021
156 people are currently reading
10308 people want to read
About the author
Rebecca Carroll
14 books101 followersRebecca Carroll is host of the podcast Come Through with Rebecca Carroll, and a cultural critic at WNYC where she also develops and produces a broad array of multi-platform content, and hosts live event series in The Greene Space. Rebecca is a former critic at large for the Los Angeles Times, and her personal essays, cultural commentary, profiles and opinion pieces have appeared in The Atlantic, The New York Times, The Guardian, Essence, New York magazine, Ebony, and Esquire, among other publications. She is the author of several interview-based books about race and blackness in America, including the award-winning Sugar in the Raw: Voices of Young Black Girls in America. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband and son.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 433 reviews
September 26, 2020
Surviving the White Gaze by Rebecca Carroll is the anatomy of the life of a black woman, and the complex constellation of the people who made her — her white adoptive parents, her white birth mother, and the black father she meets much later in life. It is a moving narrative about what it means to try to find your place and make sense of who you are as a black woman while surrounded by the pervasive influence of whiteness. Carroll’s memoir is intelligent, melancholic, and searching. She reveals that just past survival, it is possible to find peace, and joy.
January 22, 2021
This book is stellar. Carroll has a gift of writing beautifully without writing pretentiously. Her style is natural and profound. This story of Blackness, racism, abuse, manipulation, self and so much more was deeply moving. Carroll doesn’t play up trauma but instead examines it and allows her reader to unpack and decide for themselves. I am impressed with the strength and vulnerability in this story.
July 4, 2021
Rebecca Carroll, born in 1969 to a teenage black father and teenage white mother, was adopted by a white married couple, friends to the biological mother. Raised in New Hampshire in a predominantly white community, she had no sense of her own black identity. This book follows her in her search for this identity--through her childhood, puberty and sexual awakening, into her thirties. She had become an author. Now determined to get married and have a child, she quickly does both.
In coming to grips with her biracial background, the fraught relationships with not only her adoptive and biological parents but also teachers, so-called friends and a long string of sexual partners are focused upon. Rebecca’s liberal, adoptive parents had an “open marriage.” Sexual encounters are many and take up a large portion of the text. Not just sex, but also clothes and makeup and hairstyles and how pretty, sexy or cool one looks is / was apparently ever so important to Rebecca. I would say that the book is in a way written for a teenage audience…..to which I do not belong!
This memoir reads as narrative non-fiction. There are details and dialogues that simply cannot be remembered—they must be invented. This book was recently written, now when the author is in her fifties. Does she really remember that her teenage boyfriend smelled of “melon and soap and butter?!” The text reads as fiction.
Being autobiographical, the views expressed are the author’s own. I was uncomfortable with this; on many occasions I could see how one might reason differently. The author’s opinions do give the reader food for thought, but I do not necessarily take what she says as being correct.
Rebecca’s jobs and career get much less attention than her sex life. There is so much missing!
The author reads her own book. It is easy to follow, but her tone is flat. Three stars for the narration.
This book was merely OK for me.
In coming to grips with her biracial background, the fraught relationships with not only her adoptive and biological parents but also teachers, so-called friends and a long string of sexual partners are focused upon. Rebecca’s liberal, adoptive parents had an “open marriage.” Sexual encounters are many and take up a large portion of the text. Not just sex, but also clothes and makeup and hairstyles and how pretty, sexy or cool one looks is / was apparently ever so important to Rebecca. I would say that the book is in a way written for a teenage audience…..to which I do not belong!
This memoir reads as narrative non-fiction. There are details and dialogues that simply cannot be remembered—they must be invented. This book was recently written, now when the author is in her fifties. Does she really remember that her teenage boyfriend smelled of “melon and soap and butter?!” The text reads as fiction.
Being autobiographical, the views expressed are the author’s own. I was uncomfortable with this; on many occasions I could see how one might reason differently. The author’s opinions do give the reader food for thought, but I do not necessarily take what she says as being correct.
Rebecca’s jobs and career get much less attention than her sex life. There is so much missing!
The author reads her own book. It is easy to follow, but her tone is flat. Three stars for the narration.
This book was merely OK for me.
January 14, 2021
This was just okay for me.
Her introspective search for how she fits into society (while straddling two worlds) was very interesting. I wish she would have delved deeper.
It's a memoir, so of course she shared what she was comfortable with, but how she wrote it felt superficial.
Still something I would recommend since the content is important, but go in with lower expectations on the writing and maybe you will end up loving it?
Thanks to NetGalley and Simon & Schuster Canada for my DRC.
Her introspective search for how she fits into society (while straddling two worlds) was very interesting. I wish she would have delved deeper.
It's a memoir, so of course she shared what she was comfortable with, but how she wrote it felt superficial.
Still something I would recommend since the content is important, but go in with lower expectations on the writing and maybe you will end up loving it?
Thanks to NetGalley and Simon & Schuster Canada for my DRC.
June 24, 2020
Surviving The White Gaze is an absolute gift to the reader: unputdownable, edifying, deeply moving, the works. Rebecca Carroll gives us a candid and singular memoir of race, adoption and family in America, one that is both intimate and universal in its storytelling. It's also a witty and riveting portrait of the youthful emergence of one of our finest critics and thinkers – a highly rewarding journey to share.
April 29, 2021
When I first started reading this book I wasn't enamored with the detailed descriptions of an idyllic childhood in rural New Hampshire. But Carroll was setting the stage for the dysfunction and trauma to come. A white couple who "don't see race" adopt a bi-racial child and pretend the child isn't black or that nothing about her being black is of any consequence. Even if Rebecca had been white, the truth is she would likely have had a lot of baggage anyway because of the particular offhand parenting style engaged in by her adoptive parents. Rebecca, born to a white student of her father's and an older black man, was like an experiment in not seeing race. But her needs as a black child who knew she was black had no place in the grand scheme of liberal whiteness that was manifested in her adoption.
The pain and trauma Rebecca suffered at the hand of her emotionally abusive birth mother is gut wrenching. Her attempts to forge a black identity and the psychological conflicts she faced in her efforts to be seen by white people as the same as everyone else growing up as the only black person in her New Hampshire town, are so vividly and honestly described.
White people who claim they don't see race is just as destructive to racial equanimity as being an out right racist. It is disingenuous and serves only to diminish and deny the equal humanity of people of color. Tess, Rebecca's birth mother is a racist who tries to hide behind the fact that she gave birth to a black child. She regularly demeans black people, claims to know more about the behavior of black people than Rebecca does and tries to dominate any discussion of race that Rebecca tries to have with her. Every encounter she had with Tess made me want to sound an alarm and shout danger! danger! And yet, as children often do with parents, Rebecca strove for her birth mother's love and attention.
It is no wonder that in her painful young adulthood she bounced back and forth between relationships with white and black men--still wanting to be accepted by the boys she knew in middle and high school who wouldn't date her because she was black and trying to find her blackness in the beds of black men.
For all of the white people out there navigating their own fraught emotions about race, racial equity, and how to handle something that scientifically doesn't even exist, these words at the end of her book really say it all. In the end she does marry a white man, but a very special white man indeed. Someone white people who want to be allies should emulate—a scholar of race and American History:
"Someone willing to immerse themselves in the structural and racial disparities that have existed for time immemorial—who understands, because he has taken the time to read and research—that Black History is American History and that there are millions of different Black histories that have never been told—by design. For the average White person in America, even and especially the average White liberal person, who thinks they are on the right side of history, the privilege is too intense. The work and humility required to fully understand systemic racism in this country holds no realistic appeal. Most white people go straight to their own sense of guilt and then don't know how to manage their feelings from there—as we have seen play out over and over in the 'woke' era of 2020."
Even for white people who never have and never will adopt a child of another race, this book teaches a powerful lesson in howWhite behavior around race traumatizes Black people over and over again.
The pain and trauma Rebecca suffered at the hand of her emotionally abusive birth mother is gut wrenching. Her attempts to forge a black identity and the psychological conflicts she faced in her efforts to be seen by white people as the same as everyone else growing up as the only black person in her New Hampshire town, are so vividly and honestly described.
White people who claim they don't see race is just as destructive to racial equanimity as being an out right racist. It is disingenuous and serves only to diminish and deny the equal humanity of people of color. Tess, Rebecca's birth mother is a racist who tries to hide behind the fact that she gave birth to a black child. She regularly demeans black people, claims to know more about the behavior of black people than Rebecca does and tries to dominate any discussion of race that Rebecca tries to have with her. Every encounter she had with Tess made me want to sound an alarm and shout danger! danger! And yet, as children often do with parents, Rebecca strove for her birth mother's love and attention.
It is no wonder that in her painful young adulthood she bounced back and forth between relationships with white and black men--still wanting to be accepted by the boys she knew in middle and high school who wouldn't date her because she was black and trying to find her blackness in the beds of black men.
For all of the white people out there navigating their own fraught emotions about race, racial equity, and how to handle something that scientifically doesn't even exist, these words at the end of her book really say it all. In the end she does marry a white man, but a very special white man indeed. Someone white people who want to be allies should emulate—a scholar of race and American History:
"Someone willing to immerse themselves in the structural and racial disparities that have existed for time immemorial—who understands, because he has taken the time to read and research—that Black History is American History and that there are millions of different Black histories that have never been told—by design. For the average White person in America, even and especially the average White liberal person, who thinks they are on the right side of history, the privilege is too intense. The work and humility required to fully understand systemic racism in this country holds no realistic appeal. Most white people go straight to their own sense of guilt and then don't know how to manage their feelings from there—as we have seen play out over and over in the 'woke' era of 2020."
Even for white people who never have and never will adopt a child of another race, this book teaches a powerful lesson in howWhite behavior around race traumatizes Black people over and over again.
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January 27, 2021I have thoughts on this one and....😬. I’m well aware that this is someone’s truth, so I’ll be gentle with my final thoughts.
April 16, 2021
Writer and cultural critic, Rebecca Carroll’s memoir “Surviving the White Gaze” tells her compelling story of being a biracial Black child adopted by White parents and coming of age in a predominantly White New England community.
Carroll walks us through her complex journey of racial identity development as a Black girl in 1970s & 1980s New Hampshire. She shows how early on, she recognizes how Whiteness is, in many spaces, seen as the standard of beauty, sophistication and intelligence.
What complicates things even further is Carroll’s relationships with those closest to her. Her parents operate off of the ideology of being well-meaning white folks, who practice a “colorblind” approach to race.
Her White biological mother, who she meets as a teen is a PIECE OF WORK. She fetishizes Black men, promotes racist Black stereotypes and, in many ways, attempts to sabotage Carroll’s racial identity development... I was angry for the author when reading certain parts.
However, what makes this book triumphant is seeing Carroll show us how she literally went out of her way to curate Blackness in her life by seeking out Black friends, Black literature, Black cities and Black educational experiences.
I honestly think this book could be a miniseries. It’s timely, and could be incredibly informative for many types of people. From Black kids and young adults navigating white spaces, to White parents with Black children, and even educators, students, etc.
This is a riveting memoir which I believe we’ll be hearing a great deal about in the years to come.
Carroll walks us through her complex journey of racial identity development as a Black girl in 1970s & 1980s New Hampshire. She shows how early on, she recognizes how Whiteness is, in many spaces, seen as the standard of beauty, sophistication and intelligence.
What complicates things even further is Carroll’s relationships with those closest to her. Her parents operate off of the ideology of being well-meaning white folks, who practice a “colorblind” approach to race.
Her White biological mother, who she meets as a teen is a PIECE OF WORK. She fetishizes Black men, promotes racist Black stereotypes and, in many ways, attempts to sabotage Carroll’s racial identity development... I was angry for the author when reading certain parts.
However, what makes this book triumphant is seeing Carroll show us how she literally went out of her way to curate Blackness in her life by seeking out Black friends, Black literature, Black cities and Black educational experiences.
I honestly think this book could be a miniseries. It’s timely, and could be incredibly informative for many types of people. From Black kids and young adults navigating white spaces, to White parents with Black children, and even educators, students, etc.
This is a riveting memoir which I believe we’ll be hearing a great deal about in the years to come.
May 18, 2021
I couldn’t stand the author by the end of the book. She went from being a curious and conflicted, interesting young woman to an angry, strident person who assigned blame to everyone around her, never taking responsibility for her own poor choices. Yes, her adoptive parents were unconventional and naive by overlooking their racial differences. And her birth mom’s behavior toward her was inappropriate and eventually cruel. But we’re only hearing Rebecca’s side of things and her whole tone is selfish and dismissive that I wonder how much is accurate. She paints herself the victim in every circumstance. If she ever acknowledged her own role in her constant poor choices and troubled relationships I’d find her a more sympathetic character but she doesn’t so I found her immature and completely un-self aware. I forced myself to finish it but just couldn’t stand her personality.
October 29, 2020
This is a deeply moving and enlightening novel based on the life of a black woman who was adopted and grew up in a white family. Not only was her family white but so was everyone else else in her community and school. Her family chose to treat her as she was no different then their biological children but that meant they didn’t even learn how to take care of her hair let alone teach her anything of her culture, history or challenges. The author wrote this memoir with truth and clarity, sharing the pain that racism caused her but also the utter disappointment and hurt her biological mother dumped on her. As a mother I could not fathom how Tess could do this to Becky. This book broke my heart and opened my eyes to the ignorance that still exists towards people of colour. I am glad that the author found the strength to write this book and share her story with us. A must read for everyone. Thank you to NetGalley and Simon and Schuster Canada for the opportunity to read this important book.
May 7, 2021
"The experience had changed us. It had changed me, and I felt my body shiver as a small cell of trauma began to metastasize.” (55)
This is a bitter pill for me because I previously adored Carroll's writing. I've heard good things about her podcast and always intended to listen (still do) but I especially love her Tweets and culture criticism. So I'm confounded by how underwhelmed I was by this book. The writing style was ok, something felt off that I've never noticed in her writing before. It was either too purple or too conversational (there are so many superfluous details about scents, appearance, etc) and the back and forth gave me whiplash. Some of the most minute things would be heavily described and it made the book lag. For example, there are a lot of names to remember, especially of white boys. I kept mixing up Nate, Ryan and Roy who ultimately didn't seem all that consequential to her story aside from propelling her forward. I wanted it to be tighter, more straightforward. At times it's very clear Carroll is holding back, which is understandable for a memoir about such a traumatic childhood but it does a disservice to both the reader and the writer when it's readily apparent that they're shying away from certain things. Closure is lacking which is of course a part of life but I wanted to know so much more about her adult life and experiences with Black people. How did she start the BSU? Why did she drift apart from the Black friends she made on her DC field trip? What was it like meeting Toni Morrison?? Why did her relationship with her dad receive much less focus? It read as though many of her Black experiences were less interesting, or perhaps made less of an impact, than her experiences with (mostly) horrible white people when it came time to write her memoir. But I also reflected on her interactions with the one or two Black adults shem et growing up who didn't do much to help her either. I would hope not to do the same but it made me wonder what we're not seeing when we (Black people) interact in predominantly white spaces. I'm thinking specifically of her ballet teacher who absolutely must have noticed her white mother didn't know how to do her hair (and this stands out to me both because I danced ballet and because my father was comfortable asking our Black teachers to help with our hair in preschool so it's not out of the realm of possibility). Her eating disorder was also casually mentioned and then pushed to the side as she undergoes a string of traumatic experiences, resulting in the reader having no idea how she recovered from it. Again it's not something we're owed but I felt odd not knowing if she was ok and how she got the support she needed.
There's still plenty that I did admire about this memoir. Carroll survives a traumatic childhood with experiences ranging from being the only Black person in a small white N.H. town to developing a relationship with her manipulative birth mother, Tess. Some of Carroll's most powerful and sharp writing surrounds her relationship with her mother. "Tess erased my blackness and then lynched my spirit in an ongoing public spectacle of psychological and emotional violence that started at the Uptown disco club, through to the dean's office at UNH and Elaine's restaurant in New York. I didn't need to kill myself; after reading the book, I felt like I was already dead." (302), WHEW. That passage absolutely blew me away and made my heart ache. Tess is racist and prone to sexualize her daughter and her sons (who she did not give up for adoption). I don't necessarily think eleven is too young for an adoptee to meet their birth parent but given the lack of guidance and supervision from Carroll's adopted parents it was clearly a mistake. She was set up to believe Tess' abuse. There's a lot of pain in this memoir, so many adults failed her time and again. It's heartbreaking and that's why I struggled with this review because the tough subject matter didn't impact me as much as I expected. But I was absolutely cheering her on once she got to college and finally had a Black professor and started reading Black authors. I felt this huge sense of relief when that happened so I was SOMEWHAT emotionally invested and impacted by this story. I don't think Carroll's self esteem and identity issues will be a surprise to any Black person cognizant of their Blackness but I do sincerely hope this book is helpful to white parents considering transracial adoption. I think liberals are starting to understand that being "color blind" is not a good thing and that's the audience that I think would be affected most by this book along with other Black interracial adoptees.
SURVIVING THE WHITE GAZE is a somewhat vulnerable, very compelling memoir about how a Black woman finds her voice and her Blackness after growing up surrounded by white people completely oblivious to racism and white supremacy. I wanted it to be blistering and occasionally it is, but more often than not it was tepid. You can feel Carroll parsing her language and trying to be mindful of her adopted family's feelings which I understand but left me disappointed. I do appreciate her candor regardless and I think this memoir will do wonders if it reaches the right audience. It does read like an inspiring coming of age story because she undergoes so much and I think the series will do well. I'm not entirely sure I want to watch it because I do feel like there's a lot of media catered to light skinned/biracial Black people (so of course the tv rights got snatched up) at the moment but we'll see.
This is a bitter pill for me because I previously adored Carroll's writing. I've heard good things about her podcast and always intended to listen (still do) but I especially love her Tweets and culture criticism. So I'm confounded by how underwhelmed I was by this book. The writing style was ok, something felt off that I've never noticed in her writing before. It was either too purple or too conversational (there are so many superfluous details about scents, appearance, etc) and the back and forth gave me whiplash. Some of the most minute things would be heavily described and it made the book lag. For example, there are a lot of names to remember, especially of white boys. I kept mixing up Nate, Ryan and Roy who ultimately didn't seem all that consequential to her story aside from propelling her forward. I wanted it to be tighter, more straightforward. At times it's very clear Carroll is holding back, which is understandable for a memoir about such a traumatic childhood but it does a disservice to both the reader and the writer when it's readily apparent that they're shying away from certain things. Closure is lacking which is of course a part of life but I wanted to know so much more about her adult life and experiences with Black people. How did she start the BSU? Why did she drift apart from the Black friends she made on her DC field trip? What was it like meeting Toni Morrison?? Why did her relationship with her dad receive much less focus? It read as though many of her Black experiences were less interesting, or perhaps made less of an impact, than her experiences with (mostly) horrible white people when it came time to write her memoir. But I also reflected on her interactions with the one or two Black adults shem et growing up who didn't do much to help her either. I would hope not to do the same but it made me wonder what we're not seeing when we (Black people) interact in predominantly white spaces. I'm thinking specifically of her ballet teacher who absolutely must have noticed her white mother didn't know how to do her hair (and this stands out to me both because I danced ballet and because my father was comfortable asking our Black teachers to help with our hair in preschool so it's not out of the realm of possibility). Her eating disorder was also casually mentioned and then pushed to the side as she undergoes a string of traumatic experiences, resulting in the reader having no idea how she recovered from it. Again it's not something we're owed but I felt odd not knowing if she was ok and how she got the support she needed.
There's still plenty that I did admire about this memoir. Carroll survives a traumatic childhood with experiences ranging from being the only Black person in a small white N.H. town to developing a relationship with her manipulative birth mother, Tess. Some of Carroll's most powerful and sharp writing surrounds her relationship with her mother. "Tess erased my blackness and then lynched my spirit in an ongoing public spectacle of psychological and emotional violence that started at the Uptown disco club, through to the dean's office at UNH and Elaine's restaurant in New York. I didn't need to kill myself; after reading the book, I felt like I was already dead." (302), WHEW. That passage absolutely blew me away and made my heart ache. Tess is racist and prone to sexualize her daughter and her sons (who she did not give up for adoption). I don't necessarily think eleven is too young for an adoptee to meet their birth parent but given the lack of guidance and supervision from Carroll's adopted parents it was clearly a mistake. She was set up to believe Tess' abuse. There's a lot of pain in this memoir, so many adults failed her time and again. It's heartbreaking and that's why I struggled with this review because the tough subject matter didn't impact me as much as I expected. But I was absolutely cheering her on once she got to college and finally had a Black professor and started reading Black authors. I felt this huge sense of relief when that happened so I was SOMEWHAT emotionally invested and impacted by this story. I don't think Carroll's self esteem and identity issues will be a surprise to any Black person cognizant of their Blackness but I do sincerely hope this book is helpful to white parents considering transracial adoption. I think liberals are starting to understand that being "color blind" is not a good thing and that's the audience that I think would be affected most by this book along with other Black interracial adoptees.
SURVIVING THE WHITE GAZE is a somewhat vulnerable, very compelling memoir about how a Black woman finds her voice and her Blackness after growing up surrounded by white people completely oblivious to racism and white supremacy. I wanted it to be blistering and occasionally it is, but more often than not it was tepid. You can feel Carroll parsing her language and trying to be mindful of her adopted family's feelings which I understand but left me disappointed. I do appreciate her candor regardless and I think this memoir will do wonders if it reaches the right audience. It does read like an inspiring coming of age story because she undergoes so much and I think the series will do well. I'm not entirely sure I want to watch it because I do feel like there's a lot of media catered to light skinned/biracial Black people (so of course the tv rights got snatched up) at the moment but we'll see.
March 23, 2023
Another review that disappeared and here are my thoughts once again.
Earlier this school year, my students and I read the essay "Tiffany "as told to Rebecca Carroll. Adding that file to my computer led to a book advertisement on my social media.
Growing up as the only black person in your New Hampshire town can be tough, it's even tougher when your adoptive parents do not recognize your growing isolation and your birth mother constantly undermines you. How do you gain your own cultural identity?
Enjoyable, interesting, and a joy to read. My goodness, how I cringed at some of Rebecca's experiences as a young woman.
Goodreads review published o3/04/21
Earlier this school year, my students and I read the essay "Tiffany "as told to Rebecca Carroll. Adding that file to my computer led to a book advertisement on my social media.
Growing up as the only black person in your New Hampshire town can be tough, it's even tougher when your adoptive parents do not recognize your growing isolation and your birth mother constantly undermines you. How do you gain your own cultural identity?
Enjoyable, interesting, and a joy to read. My goodness, how I cringed at some of Rebecca's experiences as a young woman.
Goodreads review published o3/04/21
April 8, 2021
I kept reading even though I didn't find it to be particularly well written for a person of her writing talents. Basically, this seemed like a rambling revisiting of the ills and challenges of her upbringing as a Black girl adopted by white parents who was bought up a white world trying to find herself. Sorry for how she struggled so much with her identity. Glad she is happy now... But not worth the read.
December 28, 2020
A beautiful memoir that I think is an important read for white people, especially any white person parenting a child of another race.
May 16, 2021
Most have read, watched, or heard something that Rebecca Carroll has written or produced. But, this is the story of her upbringing. A memoir starting from her adoption into a white family in a predominantly white community, where she was in school before she ever saw another living Black person. On to meeting her narcissistic and arguably abusive birth mother who co-opts Carroll's Blackness as her own, while at the same time denying it to Carroll.
Rebecca, however, continues to grow into a brave young woman searching for her true self, while learning how to embrace her Blackness after years of being drowned by whiteness.
Having grown up only a few hours from Carroll, it was all to easy for me to picture, having been to some of the same places, primarily in Boston. I'm thankful Carroll has allowed us the opportunity to imagine what it must have been like to survive the white gaze.
The story of Rebecca Carroll's life will give you all the feels. And most importantly, remind us all why it is so important to truly SEE colour, acknowledge it, appreciate it, love it.
So very highly recommended. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Rebecca, however, continues to grow into a brave young woman searching for her true self, while learning how to embrace her Blackness after years of being drowned by whiteness.
Having grown up only a few hours from Carroll, it was all to easy for me to picture, having been to some of the same places, primarily in Boston. I'm thankful Carroll has allowed us the opportunity to imagine what it must have been like to survive the white gaze.
The story of Rebecca Carroll's life will give you all the feels. And most importantly, remind us all why it is so important to truly SEE colour, acknowledge it, appreciate it, love it.
So very highly recommended. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
March 6, 2021
How do you recommend a memoir to everyone you know...? Asking for a friend.
Rebecca Carroll, like any biracial or mixed child, knew growing up that she was Black, and if not that, certainly racially different from her peers. But while she was aware she was visibly different from her peers, internally, she was still raised by a white family, had a white birth mother, and by all other metrics, was raised in whiteness (under the White Gaze, at its most stark). She constantly, and to different degrees, had to come to terms with not being Black "enough", not knowing how to connect to her community or heritage, and in that way, still experiencing the discrimination and racism specific to Black women, feeling lost in a society that was systemically racist.
This is a really powerful piece about identity, embracing Blackness as a radical form of self-realization, and reconciling trauma.
Personally, this gave me a glimpse into Carroll's life and a generational identity crisis that I had never really heard before (Gen X... why are you so quiet), but knew was happening. This may not be the first memoir of its kind, to talk about being biracial and coming to terms with the fraught dissonance of that being (I think Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood is still fairly popular right now which speaks to the poignancy of these accounts), but it was enlightening, to me. I grew up in Florida, not the northeast, but I saw a similar state in my schools and communities (implied: like 95% white people) especially in private schools where there was kind of like a culture of compulsory (?) whiteness a lot of mixed and POC kids probably felt obligated to uphold. I'm on the very front end of Generation Z as someone born in 1997, and although there is definitely something to be said about the alienation of kids who don't fit a structured portrayal of identity in Gen Z (like, look at kids on tiktok, especially the mixed/controversial comment sections of Black and biracial girls literally doing... anything) I feel like it was particularly strong for Gen X and Millennials, who were growing up in a nation immediately after the civil rights movement that half of which considered itself "post-racial".
More accurately, this was a 4.5 read, but this was really good and probably relevant and relatable to the right person so I want to recommend it and for the sake of visibility it's rounded up. Audiobook accessed through the libro.fm bookseller program, via my place of work, Oxford Exchange bookstore in Tampa, FL.
Rebecca Carroll, like any biracial or mixed child, knew growing up that she was Black, and if not that, certainly racially different from her peers. But while she was aware she was visibly different from her peers, internally, she was still raised by a white family, had a white birth mother, and by all other metrics, was raised in whiteness (under the White Gaze, at its most stark). She constantly, and to different degrees, had to come to terms with not being Black "enough", not knowing how to connect to her community or heritage, and in that way, still experiencing the discrimination and racism specific to Black women, feeling lost in a society that was systemically racist.
This is a really powerful piece about identity, embracing Blackness as a radical form of self-realization, and reconciling trauma.
Personally, this gave me a glimpse into Carroll's life and a generational identity crisis that I had never really heard before (Gen X... why are you so quiet), but knew was happening. This may not be the first memoir of its kind, to talk about being biracial and coming to terms with the fraught dissonance of that being (I think Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood is still fairly popular right now which speaks to the poignancy of these accounts), but it was enlightening, to me. I grew up in Florida, not the northeast, but I saw a similar state in my schools and communities (implied: like 95% white people) especially in private schools where there was kind of like a culture of compulsory (?) whiteness a lot of mixed and POC kids probably felt obligated to uphold. I'm on the very front end of Generation Z as someone born in 1997, and although there is definitely something to be said about the alienation of kids who don't fit a structured portrayal of identity in Gen Z (like, look at kids on tiktok, especially the mixed/controversial comment sections of Black and biracial girls literally doing... anything) I feel like it was particularly strong for Gen X and Millennials, who were growing up in a nation immediately after the civil rights movement that half of which considered itself "post-racial".
More accurately, this was a 4.5 read, but this was really good and probably relevant and relatable to the right person so I want to recommend it and for the sake of visibility it's rounded up. Audiobook accessed through the libro.fm bookseller program, via my place of work, Oxford Exchange bookstore in Tampa, FL.
November 3, 2020
A white couple adopt a black baby, raises that baby to understand she is adopted and free to see her mother when she is ready. The initial meeting is cold and distant, a moment that should have been a opportunity to understand who and how she came to be was stained with the disappointments of a young mother too hurt to give love. A daughter thrust into a life where parents are oblivious to the hurt and isolation Rebecca sustained every day. Left to sift through her middle school and high school life adrift in emotional roller coasters she finds some solace in writing, a lifeline that gave voice to her pain. Her dialogues with her birth mother were especially hard to read. It is clear both mother and daughter were looking to be exceptional in an unrelenting world. There was hate at every turn and very little solace at the end of the day. It wasn’t until she found a depth of courage to listen to her own voice for salvation that she felt peace.
February 17, 2021
Maybe I can write more later. As. for now, Ms.Carroll should practice what she preaches. I am a white Mom of biracial twins and an Asian child, and boy do I have things to say about this book..
February 6, 2022
I keep reading books that make me feel so much for what people of color have been through and face daily. I’m so sorry for how oblivious I have been about privilege. I don’t know what to do to help. Complaining about my guilt is surely not helpful. Hopefully in my reading I will come across a book that will continue to educate me and tell me what I need to do.
January 24, 2022
Agh, Rebecca Carroll—you really had me in the first half! But much like a TV show at risk of cancellation, the last half of this memoir was full of a number of ‘storylines’ that often went unexplored and felt unnecessarily rushed. But when she was really in her groove, Carroll does a fantastic job in Surviving the White Gaze. Much like (my absolute favourite memoir of all time) Wild Game: My Mother, Her Lover, and Me, she manages to explore the psychological tension of her relationship with her mother (and her adoptive family and white peers) while simultaneously creating an incredibly vivid backdrop. When she explores her adolescent years, Caroll is at her peak—subtly espousing Black Feminist Thought through her analyses of desirability politics, the nuclear family, and motherhood.
Her college years, however, become a bit of a muddle to wade through. While I appreciated her discussions of the complicated dynamics in both her romantic/sexual and familial relationships, the picture felt very incomplete. I do think it’s important to acknowledge that this story is a.) very painful to share and b.) there are limits to how, I, a non-Black person can criticize her framing of this story. But, I think it’s important to note that there are some major flaws in this structure. While life cannot have neat endings—and memoirs certainly don’t need to, there was little to no resolution to any of the pain Carroll constantly lived through. This doesn’t mean she needs to fabricate a ‘happy ending’ (because her lived experience is intrinsic to who she is), but I didn’t even understand where she stood with half the people in her life—which was the epicenter of the memoir.
With all that being said, Carroll is a phenomenal writer. While the latter half of this book was not to my taste, after finishing the memoir, I started looking into her articles. And wow, I want to write just like her when I grow up.
Her college years, however, become a bit of a muddle to wade through. While I appreciated her discussions of the complicated dynamics in both her romantic/sexual and familial relationships, the picture felt very incomplete. I do think it’s important to acknowledge that this story is a.) very painful to share and b.) there are limits to how, I, a non-Black person can criticize her framing of this story. But, I think it’s important to note that there are some major flaws in this structure. While life cannot have neat endings—and memoirs certainly don’t need to, there was little to no resolution to any of the pain Carroll constantly lived through. This doesn’t mean she needs to fabricate a ‘happy ending’ (because her lived experience is intrinsic to who she is), but I didn’t even understand where she stood with half the people in her life—which was the epicenter of the memoir.
With all that being said, Carroll is a phenomenal writer. While the latter half of this book was not to my taste, after finishing the memoir, I started looking into her articles. And wow, I want to write just like her when I grow up.
August 29, 2021
I really wanted to like this book a lot more than I did. I'd read a few chapters in a library copy, and liked it enough to purchase a new hardcover. I found it compelling for quite a while as she described her childhood surrounded by "colorblind" white people, including her adoptive parents. When she met her emotionally abusive and racist white birthmother, Tess, the intensity and tragedy of the story climbed dramatically. However, my interest in the narrative began to wane as the author described her young adult years, with what felt like ping-ponging relationships with both white and black men, the brief encounter with her birth father, college experiences, her connection with and ultimate betrayal of her Black professor/mentor, making her way in the work world, and much more. In these chapters I found the writing uneven and the emotional tone less clear-eyed, at times tinged with self-pity. Nevertheless, I'm glad I read this memoir with its many lessons to teach about the "colorblind" approach to race that was the national norm throughout the author's earlier life, as well as the riveting and deeply disturbing portrait of manipulative emotional abuse that Ms. Carroll was subjected to by Tess.
April 6, 2021
Rebecca Carroll is a very impressive writer and I found her memoir difficult to put down. As a white person from rural New Hampshire, the complete lack of diversity and the perpetual casual racism became very visible to me once I had moved to more urban areas and began to learn about race. Carroll, the only Black person in her town, didn't have that luxury. She's raised by two white adoptive parents and in late childhood meets her white birth mother; she doesn't meet her Black father until well into adulthood. Her familial relationships are charged and her journey to form her identity is long and eventful. Overall, I found this incredibly powerful and compelling; my only complaint is that it feels a bit jumbled in certain areas and the timeline isn't always clear. I think this is a really important read, particularly for those from primarily white areas and/or parents who have or plan to adopt a child of another race.
June 2, 2021
This memoir really proves the point that when well-intentioned, but clueless, white people adopt a Black child, they must put in the work to help the child understand their culture and how to exist in the world. The parents are not doing the child any favors, and indeed may be putting the child at risk, by not teaching the child what it means to be Black in America.
Rebecca's parents had a very hands-off approach to parenting. To send Rebecca to spend time with her birth mother, Tess, with barely an introduction and not even check out her living situation was shocking to me. And then to have Tess take Rebecca to a nightclub. Another example of someone who put Rebecca into a dangerous situation and does not have the maturity to mother her child in a safe and loving way.
The main focus of the book is Rebecca's search for who she is and where she belongs. She found her way eventually.
Rebecca's parents had a very hands-off approach to parenting. To send Rebecca to spend time with her birth mother, Tess, with barely an introduction and not even check out her living situation was shocking to me. And then to have Tess take Rebecca to a nightclub. Another example of someone who put Rebecca into a dangerous situation and does not have the maturity to mother her child in a safe and loving way.
The main focus of the book is Rebecca's search for who she is and where she belongs. She found her way eventually.
February 5, 2021
Pay no attention to the pastoral and sentimental looking cover and off putting title, this is a really well written memoir. Like the best memoirs, the author is an unreliable narrator, her perspectives matching who she is at every point of the story. She's also not perfect, and I don't think she even expects the reader to agree with her takes or choices. Yet, there's a lot of truth about double consciousness, assimilation, adoption, parenting, loss and identity and belonging, some of which felt a little too close to my own life story for comfort. The book wraps up a bit abruptly, though, and leaves me wondering if and exactly how she ended up processing her experiences and getting to a healthy place, mentally. (There are unhealthy patterns that aren't resolved on page other than: and then I met X and we lived happily ever after.)
August 27, 2021
Rebecca Carroll, the biological daughter of a white woman and a Black man, became a transracial adoptee as an infant after her adoption by a loving but clueless white family. Growing up brown in a virtually all-white New Hampshire town was a struggle, only to be made infinitely worse by Carroll's meeting her racist, manipulative birth mother who proceeded to torment and sabotage her for years to come. Carroll's story is one of many contemporary memoirs by BIPOC writers that give testimony to the truth of the violence inherent in a white supremacist culture, and to the resilience of those who not only survive, but are determined to find the history, community, and the inner resources to make themselves whole and to uplift others.
January 18, 2021
Rebecca Carroll grew up the only Black girl in a White-centric town.
Surviving the White Gaze
is her memoir of how she grows up navigating a completely White environment, how she navigated Black environments after that, and how she finds true acceptance within her family and herself.
The marvelous Roxane Gay called this memoir a searching piece, and I think there's no better way to describe the feel of reading this book. Carroll is constantly searching for love and acceptance on her own terms, and as the reader, you really really feel for her. She raises a lot of questions that I've seen a lot of mixed-race people bring up. In that way, I think this memoir really excels. It was such a beautiful, compelling read, and a wonderful outpouring of a heart!
This might be a teensy little nitpick though, but I felt like I also wanted her to say... more?? Like I knew what Carroll's point was with x story from her childhood, I just found myself always just wanting her to go all the way with her point. SAY IT OUT LOUD. Don't toe into your point, hit me in the head with it.
That's probably a preference thing, though! There's still lots of things to learn from with this memoir, and it's a solid read for anyone who wants to learn more from non-White narratives. Surviving the White Gaze is supremely sensitive and well-written and I can't wait for more memoirs of this kind to get into people's hands.
Thank you to Simon & Schuster for providing an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
The marvelous Roxane Gay called this memoir a searching piece, and I think there's no better way to describe the feel of reading this book. Carroll is constantly searching for love and acceptance on her own terms, and as the reader, you really really feel for her. She raises a lot of questions that I've seen a lot of mixed-race people bring up. In that way, I think this memoir really excels. It was such a beautiful, compelling read, and a wonderful outpouring of a heart!
This might be a teensy little nitpick though, but I felt like I also wanted her to say... more?? Like I knew what Carroll's point was with x story from her childhood, I just found myself always just wanting her to go all the way with her point. SAY IT OUT LOUD. Don't toe into your point, hit me in the head with it.
That's probably a preference thing, though! There's still lots of things to learn from with this memoir, and it's a solid read for anyone who wants to learn more from non-White narratives. Surviving the White Gaze is supremely sensitive and well-written and I can't wait for more memoirs of this kind to get into people's hands.
Thank you to Simon & Schuster for providing an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
May 22, 2021
A memoir of a woman who grew up in rural New Hampshire as a Black child adopted by White parents. She was usually the only Black child and looking back at her childhood it hurt. She wishes her parents had moved. Her biological mother is White and her father is Black. She does connect with them. Her adoptive parents were given her when she was age 3. Attending the University of New Hampshire as a young adult was isolating too. Her biological mother’s stronger influence in her life affected her life with her parents and college experience. Transferring to Hampshire College in MA (my dream college) she is able to courses from all colleges in Amherst and has more Black friends. She eventually majors in Race Studies and obtains a PhD. She marries a White man who also has a PhD in Race Studies and has a Brown son. She has very mixed feelings about her life and relationship to the world. I found it interesting because when I was a kid, my parents had missionary friends who lived in New Hampshire for awhile. They had many children and the two youngest were adopted, ethnic Japanese and Samoan, born in Hawaii. They felt their children had problems in New Hampshire and were considered Black. So they moved back to Hawaii. The youngest weren’t successful in school and they had problems in Hawaii. Their ethnic groups do suffer in Hawaii and low performing minorities. It was interesting to read about her experience and think of the two boys who would be her age.
June 8, 2021
Rebecca Carroll was adopted by a white family during the 1970’s, and “Surviving the White Gaze” is her memoir (spoilers here). I loved the book for its candor and for how it stretched my understanding of the constant struggle that she had with understanding her Black identity. Her birth mother was white, and she gave Rebecca up for adoption to her teacher and his wife, who already had two white children and who lived a non-normative lifestyle for their generation. The rest of the story tells her struggles: fitting in within a small New Hampshire (all white) town, navigating high school and adulthood, crafting her writing career, fighting depression and finally, finding some peace. Along the way, she met a cadre of people: well-meaning people, non-well meaning people, family members (adoptive and birth), boyfriends and roommates. Often the book was difficult to read, particularly those passages where she and her birth mother interacted and when she lived with full-blown depression. But, I’m glad that I persevered, knowing that this is the story of one person’s experience, and I admired her for her willingness to confront, to speak out, to confront her demons.
April 4, 2023
this is one of my new favorite books. i’d actually give it 4.5 but literally (and im not kidding at all) the last chapter took the last star away from me. it seemed so fake. it, meaning the dialogue from her son and her talking about her adopted parents.
this book brought up a lot for me that im not gonna air out on good reads. but i loved it so much :’).
this book brought up a lot for me that im not gonna air out on good reads. but i loved it so much :’).
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