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How to Become a Federal Criminal: An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender
“Somebody with credentials has combed through a mountain of boring literature, highlighted all the ticklish parts and served them up for appreciation. This is an excellent book for people who like to start sentences with ‘Did you know that…’” — The New York Times
A hilarious, entertaining, and illuminating compendium of the most bizarre ways you might become a federal criminal in America—from mailing a mongoose to selling Swiss cheese without enough holes—written and illustrated by the creator of the wildly popular @CrimeADay Twitter account.
Have you ever clogged a toilet in a national forest? That could get you six months in federal prison. Written a letter to a pirate? You might be looking at three years in the slammer. Leaving the country with too many nickels, drinking a beer on a bicycle in a national park, or importing a pregnant polar bear are all very real crimes, and this riotously funny, ridiculously entertaining, and fully illustrated book shows how just about anyone can become—or may already be—a federal criminal.
Whether you’re a criminal defense lawyer or just a self-taught expert in outrageous offenses, How to Become a Federal Criminal is your wonderfully weird window into a criminally overlooked sector of American government.
A hilarious, entertaining, and illuminating compendium of the most bizarre ways you might become a federal criminal in America—from mailing a mongoose to selling Swiss cheese without enough holes—written and illustrated by the creator of the wildly popular @CrimeADay Twitter account.
Have you ever clogged a toilet in a national forest? That could get you six months in federal prison. Written a letter to a pirate? You might be looking at three years in the slammer. Leaving the country with too many nickels, drinking a beer on a bicycle in a national park, or importing a pregnant polar bear are all very real crimes, and this riotously funny, ridiculously entertaining, and fully illustrated book shows how just about anyone can become—or may already be—a federal criminal.
Whether you’re a criminal defense lawyer or just a self-taught expert in outrageous offenses, How to Become a Federal Criminal is your wonderfully weird window into a criminally overlooked sector of American government.
320 pages, Hardcover
First published June 4, 2019
130 people are currently reading
806 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 110 reviews
September 8, 2019
Fun :)
Q:
The tricky part for the average person is that there’s no comprehensive list of all the things that are crimes today. In fact, no one even knows how many federal crimes there are. What’s worse is that the law usually doesn’t require that a person even know something is illegal before they can be criminally charged and convicted for it. And when you can’t always know whether something is a crime, you can’t always know if you’re a criminal. ...
he government churns out thousands of regulations every year and you’d never know it if you don’t sit down and read the Federal Register (a truly thrilling publication). The feds can also quietly change, move, suspend, and delete rules, making it difficult for aspiring offenders to stay current. Imagine investing the time and effort to commit one of the many crimes in this book, only to find out later that it’s not a crime anymore. (c)
Q:
Article I, Section 1, of the Constitution gave Congress, and Congress alone, the power to make law. But Congress was busy, and tired, and wanted to spend more time focusing on the partisan bickering and general lack of productivity it had become so good at. Plus, as long as Congress was going to be regulating things it didn’t really understand, lawmakers figured it might be better to have subject matter experts do the regulating. So Congress began delegating its lawmaking authority to federal agencies. As a bonus, congressmen didn’t have to face the political repercussions when agencies made unpopular rules the way they would by voting on controversial bills. And if there’s one thing that’s popular in Washington, it’s lack of accountability. (c)
Q:
That delegation of authority paved the way for a couple of margarine dealers getting indicted in the late 1800s for disobeying federal margarine rules. It’s how a New England bakery could have been criminally charged for listing “love” as an ingredient in its granola in 2017. It’s how it became a federal crime to subliminally advertise liquor without any real evidence that anyone was doing that in the first place. I mean, who really needs to be tricked into buying beer? (c)
Q:
Meanwhile, the agencies kept pumping out rules—tens of thousands of pages’ worth each year—never intending to create new federal crimes and never expecting that prosecutors would actually charge people for violating them. For the most part, the regulators were right: convictions for margarine crimes and other, sillier-sounding offenses remain relatively rare. The problem with these accidentally created laws, however, is that lots of them can be committed by accident too. (c) Crimes, I think, the author meant in the last sentence?
Q:
These criminally enforceable rules cover everything from how runny ketchup can be to what you’re allowed to do if a bird of prey takes up residence in your house. Federal law even sets limits on just how friendly you can get with a pirate. ...
But how did we get here? How did we become a country where so many things are crimes? ...
“What are you in for?” Misshapen pasta? Unsanctioned llama visitation? Whatever your heart desires. (c)
Q:
Working together, 7 U.S.C. § 282, 7 C.F.R. § 322.28, and 7 C.F.R. § 322.32 make it a federal crime to mail a box of dead bees to the United States without “DEAD BEES” and the country of origin written on every side, in letters that are at least one inch tall. (c)
Q:
In the late 1700s, Congress even made the death penalty available for anyone caught stealing mail. Believe it or not, the Postal Service used to deliver things even more exciting than credit card preapprovals and extended car warranty offers. People actually sent important things to one another, like love letters, which was basically sexting but slower.
Americans liked their mail and they didn’t want to see it go missing. Sure enough, in 1830, two men were convicted of mail theft and sentenced to death by hanging. One of them, James Porter, was hanged right away. But his accomplice, George Wilson, had well-seeconnected friends who were able to convince President Andrew Jackson to grant Wilson a presidential pardon. In an unexpected and unprecedented move, however, Wilson refused the pardon and chose instead to be hanged. It was probably the overwhelming guilt of having stolen mail.
Aside from teaching us all that it’s actually possible to refuse a presidential pardon and force the government to kill you, federal mail crimes have also served as a buzzkill in lots of other ways. ...
In fact, even not going to the post office can be a federal crime under the right circumstances.(c)
Q:
he justices were satisfied that a sawed-off shotgun almost two feet long could be concealed on an average person if they dressed appropriatelywhich is pretty rich, coming from nine people who wear flowing black robes to work. (c)
Q:
But how big of a problem was ninja mail? (c)
Q:
In the meantime, if you’re the law-abiding type, here are a few steps to follow when faced with a new eagle squatting in your home:
THE LAWFUL APPROACH
Step 1: Panic. This is healthy, and it’s a natural part of the process. Don’t forget, you have an eagle in your house.
Step 2: Cry a little. Remember: eagle in the house.
Step 3: Apply for your permit.
Step 4: Wait for a decision. By law, the regional migratory bird permit office will not issue a permit unless the director determines that your removal of the eagle is “compatible with the preservation of the bald or golden eagle.” If the director decides the eagle is better off living with you for a while, move on to Step 5.
Step 5: Accept it. You live with a bald eagle now. Try to make the best of it and respect each other’s space.
...
Most states endorse some form of the “castle doctrine,” which permits a homeowner to use deadly force against a violent intruder in his or her home. But this is a bald eagle we’re talking about, not just some stupid person, so that defense doesn’t apply. Getting rid of this intruder without a permit can’t be done without a little lawbreaking. (c)
Q:
For those of us refined enough to know when and where to use ketchup properly, there is some good news: federal regulations classify ketchup as a vegetable. That makes it a lot easier to justify a pile of french fries as a healthy choice. (c)
Q:
Some regulations are drafted with an unsettling degree of specificity. Others are hopelessly vague. Then there are the ones that are both vague and specific at the same time, like the federal prohibition on making unreasonable noises or gestures while horses or pack animals are passing by in a national park. (c)
Q:
If you happen to be a person with a mostly functional cerebrum, a few of these rules may strike you as unnecessary. Why would anyone need a rule telling them not to tease wild animals? How much fun is tobogganing in a parking lot, anyway? Who drove the Park Service to think these were problems in the first place? (c)
Q:
As a result, accidentally clogging a toilet can be charged as a federal crime, but so can avoiding a toilet altogether and disposing of waste elsewhere in the forest. The only sure bet is to hang on to it and take it with you when you go. The kids are going to love this vacation. (c)
Q:
Try to Make it Rain with Lasers Without Telling the Government First (c)
Q:
Few clubs can claim such elite status. As far as federal law is concerned, you can pretend to be a Boy Scout, a Freemason, or even a vegan pretty much all you want. In fact, 4-H is the beneficiary of not one but two criminal statutes: 18 U.S.C. § 916 prohibits the act of pretending to be a 4-H member itself, and 18 U.S.C. § 707 prohibits wearing or displaying the 4-H logo to convince others that you are a member of the club.
Practically speaking, it may be possible to earn a conviction for pretending to be a 4-H member without ever displaying the 4-H emblem. According to its national website, the 4-H club has no official uniform and none is required. Still, few things scream “I’m a 4-H member” quite like that classic green kerchief and all-white ensemble, capped off—of course—with a 4-H hat bearing the official 4-H emblem. (c)
Q:
40 U.S.C. § 8103(b)(4) makes it a federal crime to injure a government-owned lamp....
As a final note, this crime requires that the government property actually be injured. Merely threating to injure a government lamp is likely not sufficient to become a federal criminal under this statute. (c)
Q:
If you’re like most responsible dynamite owners, you know that the law requires you to store it in a legally compliant “magazine.” By definition, a “magazine” is really just a room where you store explosives. By law, however, you’re required to sweep the floor regularly, ensure your dynamite room has proper lighting, and refrain from smoking around your stock of explosives, though the latter is what might be referred to as a “self-enforcing” law.
But say you’ve done all that. You keep your dynamite stored in a clean, well-lit room and you’ve even stopped keeping a stick under your pillow just in case of late-night intruders. You’re doing everything right. Then one day you notice your stock is a stick short. You’ve looked everywhere it could be: in your trunk, in the kids’ rooms, and even your secret hiding place at the local playground. No luck. You now have an important decision to make: properly report your missing dynamite, or become a federal criminal for failing to do so. (c)
Q:
LETTING KIDS PLAY WITH CIGARETTE LIGHTERS
Unlike matchbooks, cigarette lighters are required to undergo highly detailed testing procedures before being sold. What that really means is that manufacturers are required to give their lighters to a bunch of little kids to play with before they can be sold in the market.
Unfortunately for the kids involved, the whole thing is a total sham. The test lighters they get are duds. The law requires that they have no fuel in them and that they be incapable of making a flame.
...
Worse, the federally mandated testing protocol is a strange, Machiavellian, Lord of the Flies–type exercise in which the weak are separated from the herd, children are scolded for helping one another, and success is rewarded with punishment.
The Testing Protocol
To begin with, 16 C.F.R. § 1210.4 requires cigarette lighter testers to round up at least one hundred kids between three and a half and four and a quarter years old to play with their lighters. Subsection (b) encourages them to catch kids where they feel most comfortable: their nursery schools and day cares.
Once the testers have a pool of little kids assembled, the trickery starts. Adult testers are told to “talk to the children in a normal and friendly tone to make them feel at ease and to gain their confidence.” In lulling the kids into this sense of safety, though, the testers are expressly prohibited from claiming the test will be fun. It won’t be.
The testers start by convincing the kids that their help is needed for a “special job,” but the testers can’t discuss the dangers of lighters or matches. If a kid tries to do the right thing and tells the tester that their parents told them to never touch a lighter, the testers have to feed them a government script, saying: “That’s right—never touch a real lighter—but your [parent, etc.] said it was OK for you to try to make a noise with this special lighter because it can’t hurt you.”
And just like that, months of good parenting go right out the window.
Next, the testers are required to teach the kids how to use a lighter, telling them that it won’t make a flame, only a noise. They then place a lighter in each child’s hand, saying: “Now you try to make a noise with your lighter. Keep trying until I tell you to stop.”
What the testers don’t tell the kids is that the lighters actually can create a spark. If a kid manages to create one, the tester is supposed to say, “That’s a spark—it won’t hurt you,” and encourage them to continue playing with the lighter. Cthethe testeIf the kid is successful, the tester snatches the lighter away and makes them sit and watch the other kids who haven’t succeeded yet.
The federal lighter testing protocol also includes the unforgiving requirements that:
• if one kid tries to operate another kid’s lighter, the tester has to say: “No. He(she) has to try to do it himself(herself)”;
• “if a child becomes upset or afraid, and cannot be reassured before the test starts,” they are eliminated; and
• “if a child disrupts the participation of another child for more than one minute during the test, the test is stopped and both children are eliminated.”
In this context, “eliminated” just means excluded from the test results, so relax. In the end, though, what does all this accomplish? Sure, the lighter makers learn how effective their childproofing is. But what about the kids? Does anyone stop to ask whether they’re left more confused than ever about when it’s okay to play with a lighter? Nobody cares.
Whatever the costs, it’s a federal crime for a lighter maker to sell lighters that don’t pass the tests. If a few preschoolers have to endure the rigors of federally mandated testing, America is up for the task. (c) Lovely protocol. I wonder who developed this idea? (c)
Q:
The tricky part for the average person is that there’s no comprehensive list of all the things that are crimes today. In fact, no one even knows how many federal crimes there are. What’s worse is that the law usually doesn’t require that a person even know something is illegal before they can be criminally charged and convicted for it. And when you can’t always know whether something is a crime, you can’t always know if you’re a criminal. ...
he government churns out thousands of regulations every year and you’d never know it if you don’t sit down and read the Federal Register (a truly thrilling publication). The feds can also quietly change, move, suspend, and delete rules, making it difficult for aspiring offenders to stay current. Imagine investing the time and effort to commit one of the many crimes in this book, only to find out later that it’s not a crime anymore. (c)
Q:
Article I, Section 1, of the Constitution gave Congress, and Congress alone, the power to make law. But Congress was busy, and tired, and wanted to spend more time focusing on the partisan bickering and general lack of productivity it had become so good at. Plus, as long as Congress was going to be regulating things it didn’t really understand, lawmakers figured it might be better to have subject matter experts do the regulating. So Congress began delegating its lawmaking authority to federal agencies. As a bonus, congressmen didn’t have to face the political repercussions when agencies made unpopular rules the way they would by voting on controversial bills. And if there’s one thing that’s popular in Washington, it’s lack of accountability. (c)
Q:
That delegation of authority paved the way for a couple of margarine dealers getting indicted in the late 1800s for disobeying federal margarine rules. It’s how a New England bakery could have been criminally charged for listing “love” as an ingredient in its granola in 2017. It’s how it became a federal crime to subliminally advertise liquor without any real evidence that anyone was doing that in the first place. I mean, who really needs to be tricked into buying beer? (c)
Q:
Meanwhile, the agencies kept pumping out rules—tens of thousands of pages’ worth each year—never intending to create new federal crimes and never expecting that prosecutors would actually charge people for violating them. For the most part, the regulators were right: convictions for margarine crimes and other, sillier-sounding offenses remain relatively rare. The problem with these accidentally created laws, however, is that lots of them can be committed by accident too. (c) Crimes, I think, the author meant in the last sentence?
Q:
These criminally enforceable rules cover everything from how runny ketchup can be to what you’re allowed to do if a bird of prey takes up residence in your house. Federal law even sets limits on just how friendly you can get with a pirate. ...
But how did we get here? How did we become a country where so many things are crimes? ...
“What are you in for?” Misshapen pasta? Unsanctioned llama visitation? Whatever your heart desires. (c)
Q:
Working together, 7 U.S.C. § 282, 7 C.F.R. § 322.28, and 7 C.F.R. § 322.32 make it a federal crime to mail a box of dead bees to the United States without “DEAD BEES” and the country of origin written on every side, in letters that are at least one inch tall. (c)
Q:
In the late 1700s, Congress even made the death penalty available for anyone caught stealing mail. Believe it or not, the Postal Service used to deliver things even more exciting than credit card preapprovals and extended car warranty offers. People actually sent important things to one another, like love letters, which was basically sexting but slower.
Americans liked their mail and they didn’t want to see it go missing. Sure enough, in 1830, two men were convicted of mail theft and sentenced to death by hanging. One of them, James Porter, was hanged right away. But his accomplice, George Wilson, had well-seeconnected friends who were able to convince President Andrew Jackson to grant Wilson a presidential pardon. In an unexpected and unprecedented move, however, Wilson refused the pardon and chose instead to be hanged. It was probably the overwhelming guilt of having stolen mail.
Aside from teaching us all that it’s actually possible to refuse a presidential pardon and force the government to kill you, federal mail crimes have also served as a buzzkill in lots of other ways. ...
In fact, even not going to the post office can be a federal crime under the right circumstances.(c)
Q:
he justices were satisfied that a sawed-off shotgun almost two feet long could be concealed on an average person if they dressed appropriatelywhich is pretty rich, coming from nine people who wear flowing black robes to work. (c)
Q:
But how big of a problem was ninja mail? (c)
Q:
In the meantime, if you’re the law-abiding type, here are a few steps to follow when faced with a new eagle squatting in your home:
THE LAWFUL APPROACH
Step 1: Panic. This is healthy, and it’s a natural part of the process. Don’t forget, you have an eagle in your house.
Step 2: Cry a little. Remember: eagle in the house.
Step 3: Apply for your permit.
Step 4: Wait for a decision. By law, the regional migratory bird permit office will not issue a permit unless the director determines that your removal of the eagle is “compatible with the preservation of the bald or golden eagle.” If the director decides the eagle is better off living with you for a while, move on to Step 5.
Step 5: Accept it. You live with a bald eagle now. Try to make the best of it and respect each other’s space.
...
Most states endorse some form of the “castle doctrine,” which permits a homeowner to use deadly force against a violent intruder in his or her home. But this is a bald eagle we’re talking about, not just some stupid person, so that defense doesn’t apply. Getting rid of this intruder without a permit can’t be done without a little lawbreaking. (c)
Q:
For those of us refined enough to know when and where to use ketchup properly, there is some good news: federal regulations classify ketchup as a vegetable. That makes it a lot easier to justify a pile of french fries as a healthy choice. (c)
Q:
Some regulations are drafted with an unsettling degree of specificity. Others are hopelessly vague. Then there are the ones that are both vague and specific at the same time, like the federal prohibition on making unreasonable noises or gestures while horses or pack animals are passing by in a national park. (c)
Q:
If you happen to be a person with a mostly functional cerebrum, a few of these rules may strike you as unnecessary. Why would anyone need a rule telling them not to tease wild animals? How much fun is tobogganing in a parking lot, anyway? Who drove the Park Service to think these were problems in the first place? (c)
Q:
As a result, accidentally clogging a toilet can be charged as a federal crime, but so can avoiding a toilet altogether and disposing of waste elsewhere in the forest. The only sure bet is to hang on to it and take it with you when you go. The kids are going to love this vacation. (c)
Q:
Try to Make it Rain with Lasers Without Telling the Government First (c)
Q:
Few clubs can claim such elite status. As far as federal law is concerned, you can pretend to be a Boy Scout, a Freemason, or even a vegan pretty much all you want. In fact, 4-H is the beneficiary of not one but two criminal statutes: 18 U.S.C. § 916 prohibits the act of pretending to be a 4-H member itself, and 18 U.S.C. § 707 prohibits wearing or displaying the 4-H logo to convince others that you are a member of the club.
Practically speaking, it may be possible to earn a conviction for pretending to be a 4-H member without ever displaying the 4-H emblem. According to its national website, the 4-H club has no official uniform and none is required. Still, few things scream “I’m a 4-H member” quite like that classic green kerchief and all-white ensemble, capped off—of course—with a 4-H hat bearing the official 4-H emblem. (c)
Q:
40 U.S.C. § 8103(b)(4) makes it a federal crime to injure a government-owned lamp....
As a final note, this crime requires that the government property actually be injured. Merely threating to injure a government lamp is likely not sufficient to become a federal criminal under this statute. (c)
Q:
If you’re like most responsible dynamite owners, you know that the law requires you to store it in a legally compliant “magazine.” By definition, a “magazine” is really just a room where you store explosives. By law, however, you’re required to sweep the floor regularly, ensure your dynamite room has proper lighting, and refrain from smoking around your stock of explosives, though the latter is what might be referred to as a “self-enforcing” law.
But say you’ve done all that. You keep your dynamite stored in a clean, well-lit room and you’ve even stopped keeping a stick under your pillow just in case of late-night intruders. You’re doing everything right. Then one day you notice your stock is a stick short. You’ve looked everywhere it could be: in your trunk, in the kids’ rooms, and even your secret hiding place at the local playground. No luck. You now have an important decision to make: properly report your missing dynamite, or become a federal criminal for failing to do so. (c)
Q:
LETTING KIDS PLAY WITH CIGARETTE LIGHTERS
Unlike matchbooks, cigarette lighters are required to undergo highly detailed testing procedures before being sold. What that really means is that manufacturers are required to give their lighters to a bunch of little kids to play with before they can be sold in the market.
Unfortunately for the kids involved, the whole thing is a total sham. The test lighters they get are duds. The law requires that they have no fuel in them and that they be incapable of making a flame.
...
Worse, the federally mandated testing protocol is a strange, Machiavellian, Lord of the Flies–type exercise in which the weak are separated from the herd, children are scolded for helping one another, and success is rewarded with punishment.
The Testing Protocol
To begin with, 16 C.F.R. § 1210.4 requires cigarette lighter testers to round up at least one hundred kids between three and a half and four and a quarter years old to play with their lighters. Subsection (b) encourages them to catch kids where they feel most comfortable: their nursery schools and day cares.
Once the testers have a pool of little kids assembled, the trickery starts. Adult testers are told to “talk to the children in a normal and friendly tone to make them feel at ease and to gain their confidence.” In lulling the kids into this sense of safety, though, the testers are expressly prohibited from claiming the test will be fun. It won’t be.
The testers start by convincing the kids that their help is needed for a “special job,” but the testers can’t discuss the dangers of lighters or matches. If a kid tries to do the right thing and tells the tester that their parents told them to never touch a lighter, the testers have to feed them a government script, saying: “That’s right—never touch a real lighter—but your [parent, etc.] said it was OK for you to try to make a noise with this special lighter because it can’t hurt you.”
And just like that, months of good parenting go right out the window.
Next, the testers are required to teach the kids how to use a lighter, telling them that it won’t make a flame, only a noise. They then place a lighter in each child’s hand, saying: “Now you try to make a noise with your lighter. Keep trying until I tell you to stop.”
What the testers don’t tell the kids is that the lighters actually can create a spark. If a kid manages to create one, the tester is supposed to say, “That’s a spark—it won’t hurt you,” and encourage them to continue playing with the lighter. Cthethe testeIf the kid is successful, the tester snatches the lighter away and makes them sit and watch the other kids who haven’t succeeded yet.
The federal lighter testing protocol also includes the unforgiving requirements that:
• if one kid tries to operate another kid’s lighter, the tester has to say: “No. He(she) has to try to do it himself(herself)”;
• “if a child becomes upset or afraid, and cannot be reassured before the test starts,” they are eliminated; and
• “if a child disrupts the participation of another child for more than one minute during the test, the test is stopped and both children are eliminated.”
In this context, “eliminated” just means excluded from the test results, so relax. In the end, though, what does all this accomplish? Sure, the lighter makers learn how effective their childproofing is. But what about the kids? Does anyone stop to ask whether they’re left more confused than ever about when it’s okay to play with a lighter? Nobody cares.
Whatever the costs, it’s a federal crime for a lighter maker to sell lighters that don’t pass the tests. If a few preschoolers have to endure the rigors of federally mandated testing, America is up for the task. (c) Lovely protocol. I wonder who developed this idea? (c)
January 2, 2021
A snarky overview of many of the ridiculously absurd things the federal government has criminalized.
June 11, 2019
Everyone has heard of the country club lifestyle enjoyed by the rich prisoners at Club Fed, or federal prison. Whether you are just tired of your 9 to 5 life or trying to avoid a vindictive ex-spouse, sometimes you just want to know How to Become a Federal Criminal.
From literally killing a mockingbird to offering to barter for a flamingo, federal law has some strange laws on the books. Some are profit-making activities for the government. The US seizes billions of dollars each year from foreign nationalists traveling to the US with more than $10,000 who fail to complete the proper form. A little more enforcement of this law could make President Trump’s border wall a reality. Some are just silly like the prohibition of dressing like a mail carrier on Halloween (or any day). Not the first choice of costume with so many superhero movies out now though it does add a frission of fear knowing it is illegal. And don’t get me started on the legal issues with margarine...
How to Become a Federal Criminal appears to be fairly easy and reading about it is entertaining. With three square meals, room, and board, it sounds like I have a new retirement plan that doesn’t involve a 401(k)! If you like to reflect on life’s absurdities, this is the perfect book for you. With the lack of legislation during Trump’s term so far, it can even be used by him to support his claim to be the best president ever. At least his congress hasn’t created a law making it illegal to create a wine bottle label that insults another wine. 4 stars!
Thanks to Atria Books and NetGalley for a copy in exchange for my honest review.
From literally killing a mockingbird to offering to barter for a flamingo, federal law has some strange laws on the books. Some are profit-making activities for the government. The US seizes billions of dollars each year from foreign nationalists traveling to the US with more than $10,000 who fail to complete the proper form. A little more enforcement of this law could make President Trump’s border wall a reality. Some are just silly like the prohibition of dressing like a mail carrier on Halloween (or any day). Not the first choice of costume with so many superhero movies out now though it does add a frission of fear knowing it is illegal. And don’t get me started on the legal issues with margarine...
How to Become a Federal Criminal appears to be fairly easy and reading about it is entertaining. With three square meals, room, and board, it sounds like I have a new retirement plan that doesn’t involve a 401(k)! If you like to reflect on life’s absurdities, this is the perfect book for you. With the lack of legislation during Trump’s term so far, it can even be used by him to support his claim to be the best president ever. At least his congress hasn’t created a law making it illegal to create a wine bottle label that insults another wine. 4 stars!
Thanks to Atria Books and NetGalley for a copy in exchange for my honest review.
March 22, 2022
This is a FUN READ if you enjoy learning about quirky, antiquated federal laws that are still on the books and make little sense in today's world. For example, did you know it's a federal crime to dress like a U.S. postal worker (exception allowed for theatrical productions), a 4-H Club member, or wear clothing at the U.S. Supreme Court that brings attention to any kind of party, organization, or movement? Also, whistling into a CB radio, making unreasonable gestures to a passing horse in a national park, and injuring a federal lamp can also result in a criminal conviction. But wait, there's more! Federal crimes also include removing a wild burro from federal land, moving a picnic table on any land controlled by the U.S. Bureau of Land Management, or having offensive personal hygiene while occupying a reading room at the U.S. Library of Congress. The book is complete with amusing illustrations in case you can't visualize the ridiculousness of these criminal acts.
This book is a MUST READ for know-it-alls (like Cliff Clavin from Cheers) and law nerds (like myself).
This book is a MUST READ for know-it-alls (like Cliff Clavin from Cheers) and law nerds (like myself).
August 6, 2019
How to Become a Federal Criminal: Ridiculous & Ridiculously Easy!
http://fangswandsandfairydust.com/201...
I voluntarily reviewed an advance reader’s copy of this book. No remuneration was exchanged and all opinions presented herein are my own except as noted.
With amusing line-drawings showing the comedic nature of the activities, like wrestling a bear in a national park, that could lead to federal charges, this book should be ROFL-funny. And, this nicely narrated book is probably much funnier if you have a pdf file at hand which is not, generally, how I listen to audiobooks. So, while I have glanced at the pictures in the provided (thank you!) pdf file, as I listened during my walks they did not have the same impact.
How many of us have cowered in fear over the tn tag on an a new mattress? Good news: If you bought a mattress you can remove that tag. On the other hand the sheer scope of the myriad ways one could end up indicted by the powers that be, is impressive and makes obvious both the ridiculous number and nature of some regulations, but also the reasons behind them. Often, they are the result of legalese attempting to regulate a real problem. Sometimes it is an unforeseen side-effect of the language used. And, sometimes it is because a legal area falls under the purview of more than one agency or legal body — the complexity of our legal system is made obvious.
Sometimes the ridiculous nature of the the laws are apparent and and the laws seem unnecessary, but other times it is obvious the laws, especially those involving the national parks are ridiculous because we, humankind, are ridiculous. I’ve seen people in a national park violating the simplest law – a requirement to wear bike helmets – and then falling over the the wall of a sheer drop on a bike/hike trail (he was saved by the pedal clips that prevented him being injured. So, yes, even really stupid-seeming laws are actually necessary. People do really stupid things and from that stupidity, stupid laws are born.
We’ve known for years about stupid municipal laws, like it is against the law [somewhere] to carry goldfish in a fishbowl on a bus. This is the equivalent on a federal level. But, even though I can see the value of the information I did not find the book funny in the same way. I don’t know if it is the way the book is written, the need to carry the attendant illustrations or the proof of the complexity of the law, but while it occasionally made me chuckle, but I did not find it belly-laughingly funny. Maybe I would have found it funnier if I were a lawyer or law student?
http://fangswandsandfairydust.com/201...
I voluntarily reviewed an advance reader’s copy of this book. No remuneration was exchanged and all opinions presented herein are my own except as noted.
With amusing line-drawings showing the comedic nature of the activities, like wrestling a bear in a national park, that could lead to federal charges, this book should be ROFL-funny. And, this nicely narrated book is probably much funnier if you have a pdf file at hand which is not, generally, how I listen to audiobooks. So, while I have glanced at the pictures in the provided (thank you!) pdf file, as I listened during my walks they did not have the same impact.
How many of us have cowered in fear over the tn tag on an a new mattress? Good news: If you bought a mattress you can remove that tag. On the other hand the sheer scope of the myriad ways one could end up indicted by the powers that be, is impressive and makes obvious both the ridiculous number and nature of some regulations, but also the reasons behind them. Often, they are the result of legalese attempting to regulate a real problem. Sometimes it is an unforeseen side-effect of the language used. And, sometimes it is because a legal area falls under the purview of more than one agency or legal body — the complexity of our legal system is made obvious.
Sometimes the ridiculous nature of the the laws are apparent and and the laws seem unnecessary, but other times it is obvious the laws, especially those involving the national parks are ridiculous because we, humankind, are ridiculous. I’ve seen people in a national park violating the simplest law – a requirement to wear bike helmets – and then falling over the the wall of a sheer drop on a bike/hike trail (he was saved by the pedal clips that prevented him being injured. So, yes, even really stupid-seeming laws are actually necessary. People do really stupid things and from that stupidity, stupid laws are born.
We’ve known for years about stupid municipal laws, like it is against the law [somewhere] to carry goldfish in a fishbowl on a bus. This is the equivalent on a federal level. But, even though I can see the value of the information I did not find the book funny in the same way. I don’t know if it is the way the book is written, the need to carry the attendant illustrations or the proof of the complexity of the law, but while it occasionally made me chuckle, but I did not find it belly-laughingly funny. Maybe I would have found it funnier if I were a lawyer or law student?
January 10, 2020
This book was a fun little read with an informative bent. I appreciated that the book wasn't just a list of weird laws and court cases, but actually tried to delve a little deeper into why U.S. law is the way it is--wacky statues and all. There were times that the chapters seemed to go on a little longer than necessary, and certain topics got a little repetitive, but overall this was an enjoyably written, interesting volume that is both entertaining and genuinely interesting throughout.
June 6, 2019
Clever, snarky, absurd, and illustrated. What more do you need?
February 23, 2020
Loved it, although if course once the point is made it gets a bit repetitive. But really this should be taught to children and mandatory reading for Congress.
Read
October 21, 2021read this, pass test, become supervillian
March 31, 2020
Hilarious 😂 Loved it!
June 9, 2020
This is a funny (though sobering if you think about it too long) look at the absurd extent of federal laws. It is in the vein of "dumb laws", with each chapter focusing on a bunch of different federal criminal statutes you can violate in the course of various activities, such as camping, etc. I believe the overall aim of the book is similar to
Three Felonies a Day
: demonstrating that federal criminal statutes alone are so absurdly wide-ranging and baroque that no human alive could possibly know the law well enough to be sure that they were complying with it. It is, however, done in a humorous way, and the undercurrent is much more subtle than the more serious legal and political works on the matter.
I remember that when reading this book, I was constantly dropping the little weird laws I picked up into conversation to shock my friends, but unfortunately I didn't take notes and I have forgotten most of them. I do, however, still remember the Zone of Death, an apparently still-open loophole that would theoretically make it possible to commit any crime in a certain location in Yellowstone National Park and no one would have jurisdiction to convict you (though it seems difficult to exploit at best, particularly since the judicial system tends to really dislike clever "I'm not touching you" arguments).
I'm going to have to read this again and take notes.
I remember that when reading this book, I was constantly dropping the little weird laws I picked up into conversation to shock my friends, but unfortunately I didn't take notes and I have forgotten most of them. I do, however, still remember the Zone of Death, an apparently still-open loophole that would theoretically make it possible to commit any crime in a certain location in Yellowstone National Park and no one would have jurisdiction to convict you (though it seems difficult to exploit at best, particularly since the judicial system tends to really dislike clever "I'm not touching you" arguments).
I'm going to have to read this again and take notes.
June 27, 2019
It really doesn’t take much to become a federal criminal. All one needs is ignorance of arcane or ridiculous or obscure federal laws. For instance, if a bald eagle just happens to fly into your house, it is a federal crime to remove said bald eagle from your premises. First, you must file a document to remove said bald eagle. Second, wait for said document to be approved by federal Fish and Game agency. Third, if approved, contact the appropriate game agent to remove said bald eagle. If not approved, you will have to move as everything in your house has been destroyed by sharp talons and beak and is covered in bald eagle shit. Good to know. Right?
December 9, 2020
This book was hilarious. I was laughing out loud at his wit and sarcasm, and the pictures only added to the hilarity. This was well worth the time.
It was also a nice foray into the overreach of the government. Many of the laws are completely outlandish. It would seem our government has very little to do when they are worried about lasers creating rain, or how runny ketchup is allowed to be. It is a sad testament to the ineffective stupidity of the government. Hard to believe some people want to give them MORE power.
It was also a nice foray into the overreach of the government. Many of the laws are completely outlandish. It would seem our government has very little to do when they are worried about lasers creating rain, or how runny ketchup is allowed to be. It is a sad testament to the ineffective stupidity of the government. Hard to believe some people want to give them MORE power.
May 2, 2025
“Meat-flavored spaghetti sauce versus spaghetti sauce with meat; cheese pizza versus pepperoni pizza; and chicken-flavored noodle soup versus chicken noodle soup each fall on opposite sides of the divide between FDA and USDA authority. But it’s not at all clear who regulates pizza with zoo animal sausage.
Or consider the humble ham-and-cheese sandwich. Depending on where it is in its life span or what final form it takes, a sandwich-monger may be up against both federal agencies.”
“Agricultural quarantine laws like that one also restrict the movement of all kinds of fruits and vegetables into and throughout the United States. Until 2018, federal regulations said that baby carrots from Zambia and potatoes from Mexico couldn’t be imported if they had dirt on them. Avocados from Spain, Peru, and Mexico were prohibited from entry if they fell off the tree before the harvest. These kinds of rules are intended to keep invasive pests like the golden nematode and Mediterranean fruit fly from spreading in the United States. But unless you have a passport, lots of frequent-flier miles, and a hot tip on an untended Peruvian avocado grove, many of these crimes may be hard to commit if you’re not a commercial importer.
Other fruit and vegetable crimes are similarly difficult because they require membership in special societies like the Popcorn Board or the Mushroom Council, both of which are totally real things. For example, 7 U.S.C. § 6104(i) makes it a crime for employees of the nine-member Mushroom Council to leak confidential mushroom information. Popcorn information is similarly protected from disclosure. Even revealing how an avocado producer voted in an avocado referendum is a federal crime.”
“In the two hundred years since Howard, there have been no major developments in the law of pirate correspondence. To be found guilty, a person still probably needs to:
• find someone who seems like they might be a pirate;
• learn enough about them to be confident they have actually committed acts of piracy and aren’t just going through a Johnny Depp phase;
• strike up a conversation and get their number; and
• discuss pirate stuff in an affirming (not discouraging) way.
As Howard demonstrated, however, even a questionable case may be enough to get charged by an eager prosecutor. For those looking to avoid criminal charges, it may be best to cut ties with all of the potential pirates in their life. On the plus side, concerns of federal pirate charges can also make for a great excuse to get out of an unhealthy relationship or refuse to give out your number in the first place.”
“But how exactly does a person defraud someone with a couple of dollar bills cobbled together? The 1991 case of United States v. Kenneth Michael Brown illustrates one possible way.
In Brown, the defendant and his accomplice entered a convenience store in New Hampshire looking to buy cigarettes with what appeared to be a pair of $20 bills. At first, everything seemed normal. But after studying one of the bills, the clerk grew suspicious. The supposed $20 bill that the defendant handed to her said “20” in the corners, but showed George Washington’s portrait, not Andrew Jackson’s. The clerk handed the bills back, waited for the men to leave, and called the police.
Police determined that the defendant had tried to use two “raised” bills, made by taping the corners of genuine $20 bills to the bodies of genuine $1 bills. After ripping the corners off the real twenties, the torn bills were exchanged for new ones at a local bank and the raised bill was then passed as a real $20 bill in the hopes that nobody would notice. The whole scheme could have worked too—that is, if the clerk hadn’t known her presidents. When Brown was later arrested and brought to jail, a search for contraband revealed “two torn twenty dollar bills secreted in [his] rectal cavity.” And while it’s possible he just missed his wallet by a few inches, the court thought the location of the two Brown bills was incriminating. Brown was convicted of connecting parts of different notes in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 484.”
“The mail has always been serious business in America. In the late 1700s, Congress even made the death penalty available for anyone caught stealing mail. Believe it or not, the Postal Service used to deliver things even more exciting than credit card preapprovals and extended car warranty offers. People actually sent important things to one another, like love letters, which was basically sexting but slower.
Americans liked their mail and they didn’t want to see it go missing. Sure enough, in 1830, two men were convicted of mail theft and sentenced to death by hanging. One of them, James Porter, was hanged right away. But his accomplice, George Wilson, had well-connected friends who were able to convince President Andrew Jackson to grant Wilson a presidential pardon. In an unexpected and unprecedented move, however, Wilson refused the pardon and chose instead to be hanged. It was probably the overwhelming guilt of having stolen mail.
Aside from teaching us all that it’s actually possible to refuse a presidential pardon and force the government to kill you, federal mail crimes have also served as a buzzkill in lots of other ways. For example, 18 U.S.C. § 3061(c)(4)(B) and a corresponding regulation, 39 C.F.R. § 232.1, make it a crime to go into the post office while drunk or high, or to smoke a pipe inside, climb onto the roof, or gamble while you’re there.”
Or consider the humble ham-and-cheese sandwich. Depending on where it is in its life span or what final form it takes, a sandwich-monger may be up against both federal agencies.”
“Agricultural quarantine laws like that one also restrict the movement of all kinds of fruits and vegetables into and throughout the United States. Until 2018, federal regulations said that baby carrots from Zambia and potatoes from Mexico couldn’t be imported if they had dirt on them. Avocados from Spain, Peru, and Mexico were prohibited from entry if they fell off the tree before the harvest. These kinds of rules are intended to keep invasive pests like the golden nematode and Mediterranean fruit fly from spreading in the United States. But unless you have a passport, lots of frequent-flier miles, and a hot tip on an untended Peruvian avocado grove, many of these crimes may be hard to commit if you’re not a commercial importer.
Other fruit and vegetable crimes are similarly difficult because they require membership in special societies like the Popcorn Board or the Mushroom Council, both of which are totally real things. For example, 7 U.S.C. § 6104(i) makes it a crime for employees of the nine-member Mushroom Council to leak confidential mushroom information. Popcorn information is similarly protected from disclosure. Even revealing how an avocado producer voted in an avocado referendum is a federal crime.”
“In the two hundred years since Howard, there have been no major developments in the law of pirate correspondence. To be found guilty, a person still probably needs to:
• find someone who seems like they might be a pirate;
• learn enough about them to be confident they have actually committed acts of piracy and aren’t just going through a Johnny Depp phase;
• strike up a conversation and get their number; and
• discuss pirate stuff in an affirming (not discouraging) way.
As Howard demonstrated, however, even a questionable case may be enough to get charged by an eager prosecutor. For those looking to avoid criminal charges, it may be best to cut ties with all of the potential pirates in their life. On the plus side, concerns of federal pirate charges can also make for a great excuse to get out of an unhealthy relationship or refuse to give out your number in the first place.”
“But how exactly does a person defraud someone with a couple of dollar bills cobbled together? The 1991 case of United States v. Kenneth Michael Brown illustrates one possible way.
In Brown, the defendant and his accomplice entered a convenience store in New Hampshire looking to buy cigarettes with what appeared to be a pair of $20 bills. At first, everything seemed normal. But after studying one of the bills, the clerk grew suspicious. The supposed $20 bill that the defendant handed to her said “20” in the corners, but showed George Washington’s portrait, not Andrew Jackson’s. The clerk handed the bills back, waited for the men to leave, and called the police.
Police determined that the defendant had tried to use two “raised” bills, made by taping the corners of genuine $20 bills to the bodies of genuine $1 bills. After ripping the corners off the real twenties, the torn bills were exchanged for new ones at a local bank and the raised bill was then passed as a real $20 bill in the hopes that nobody would notice. The whole scheme could have worked too—that is, if the clerk hadn’t known her presidents. When Brown was later arrested and brought to jail, a search for contraband revealed “two torn twenty dollar bills secreted in [his] rectal cavity.” And while it’s possible he just missed his wallet by a few inches, the court thought the location of the two Brown bills was incriminating. Brown was convicted of connecting parts of different notes in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 484.”
“The mail has always been serious business in America. In the late 1700s, Congress even made the death penalty available for anyone caught stealing mail. Believe it or not, the Postal Service used to deliver things even more exciting than credit card preapprovals and extended car warranty offers. People actually sent important things to one another, like love letters, which was basically sexting but slower.
Americans liked their mail and they didn’t want to see it go missing. Sure enough, in 1830, two men were convicted of mail theft and sentenced to death by hanging. One of them, James Porter, was hanged right away. But his accomplice, George Wilson, had well-connected friends who were able to convince President Andrew Jackson to grant Wilson a presidential pardon. In an unexpected and unprecedented move, however, Wilson refused the pardon and chose instead to be hanged. It was probably the overwhelming guilt of having stolen mail.
Aside from teaching us all that it’s actually possible to refuse a presidential pardon and force the government to kill you, federal mail crimes have also served as a buzzkill in lots of other ways. For example, 18 U.S.C. § 3061(c)(4)(B) and a corresponding regulation, 39 C.F.R. § 232.1, make it a crime to go into the post office while drunk or high, or to smoke a pipe inside, climb onto the roof, or gamble while you’re there.”
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 28, 2019
I thought How to Become a Federal Criminal: An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender was a fun and entertaining read. I liked it. Five plus stars.
January 11, 2021
Some books give you a pretty clear picture of the author, and this is one. By the time you are a chapter or two in, you can tell you have a lawyer here, but one with a quirky sensibility, and nice sense of humor that sometimes is dry and mordant, and sometimes sort of more in the corny 'dad jokes' territory--but overall, a pretty agreeable companion for a read of this sort. He is clearly someone who is fascinated by his subject, namely obscure and puzzling laws. It turns out, I like this guy.
This has been a hobby for this writer, as he maintains a twitter account called A Crime a Day (I follow it), and he has collected a bedeviling assortment of curious crimes here. Crimes from unauthorized llama visitation, wine labels that insult competing wines, to attempting to make it rain with lasers are profiled here, treated with a wry and agreeable bemusement. They made a nice choice in the illustrations, which give IKEA-instruction type illustrations of the the step-by-step of various crimes, which I found particularly effective with such crimes as abandoning mail, and assaulting a lamp. Another layer of whimsy in a very whimsical book.
To be sure, there are a few interesting digressions--one of the crimes involves drunkenness on federal property, with the caveat that to rise to the level of offense, the drunkenness must be 'unreasonably annoying'. It raises questions. At what point does drunkenness move from being reasonably annoying to unreasonably annoying? 'Reasonably' is carrying a lot of weight here.
To the degree there is a serious point here, it is that laws and prohibitions have accumulated, like barnacles on the hull of an old ship, to the point where there are simply so many laws--so many even the Federal government doesn't know precisely how many--that you can become a criminal through mere inadvertence. Did you know that moving a table in a National Park is a Federal Crime? I didn't either. And although he doesn't bang on about it, it is a simple series of hops from this mélange of quirky crimes, to the iceberg of prohibited behaviors below the surface that he doesn't go into, to making so many things prohibited that everyone eventually stumbles into criminality through inadvertence.
Lavrentiy Beria was reputed to have said "Show me the man...and I'll show you the crime." I'd not give people of that ilk the pretext to charge someone for unauthorized Llama visitation.
This has been a hobby for this writer, as he maintains a twitter account called A Crime a Day (I follow it), and he has collected a bedeviling assortment of curious crimes here. Crimes from unauthorized llama visitation, wine labels that insult competing wines, to attempting to make it rain with lasers are profiled here, treated with a wry and agreeable bemusement. They made a nice choice in the illustrations, which give IKEA-instruction type illustrations of the the step-by-step of various crimes, which I found particularly effective with such crimes as abandoning mail, and assaulting a lamp. Another layer of whimsy in a very whimsical book.
To be sure, there are a few interesting digressions--one of the crimes involves drunkenness on federal property, with the caveat that to rise to the level of offense, the drunkenness must be 'unreasonably annoying'. It raises questions. At what point does drunkenness move from being reasonably annoying to unreasonably annoying? 'Reasonably' is carrying a lot of weight here.
To the degree there is a serious point here, it is that laws and prohibitions have accumulated, like barnacles on the hull of an old ship, to the point where there are simply so many laws--so many even the Federal government doesn't know precisely how many--that you can become a criminal through mere inadvertence. Did you know that moving a table in a National Park is a Federal Crime? I didn't either. And although he doesn't bang on about it, it is a simple series of hops from this mélange of quirky crimes, to the iceberg of prohibited behaviors below the surface that he doesn't go into, to making so many things prohibited that everyone eventually stumbles into criminality through inadvertence.
Lavrentiy Beria was reputed to have said "Show me the man...and I'll show you the crime." I'd not give people of that ilk the pretext to charge someone for unauthorized Llama visitation.
April 1, 2020
3/5 Stars
How to Become a Federal Criminal: An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender was an interesting book, one I decided to read purely out of curiosity. It was a likable book, just not as humorous or funny as I was expecting. I learned some new (and not particularly relevant/useful) things. I did laugh a little, just not as much as I was expecting. And I couldn’t read this book in one sitting because I just didn’t get as invested in it. It was more piecemeal reading. That being said it is simply astounding (and bemusing) just what the federal government has done with the law.
This book is sectioned off into different chapters that tell you how you can become a federal criminal in the following ways:
Chapter 1: By Mail
e.x. Put an unstamped letter in a mailbox
Chapter 2: With Animals
e.x. It is a crime to barter for a Flamingo
Chapter 3: With Money
e.x. It is a crime to mutilate a coin, it is also a crime to write a check for <$1.
Chapter 4: With Food
e.x. Margarine crimes. It is also a crime to sell runny ketchup (and the three ways you can spell ketchup)
Chapter 5: With Alcohol
e.x. It is a crime to be annoyingly drunk on a wildlife refuge
Chapter 6: On Federal Property
e.x. It is a crime to make an obscene gesture to a passing horse. It is also a crime to injure a government lamp.
Chapter 7: On the High Seas
e.x. It is a crime to correspond with a pirate
Chapter 8: In Other Ways
e.x. Food in a self pressurized container (like spray cheese) requires it be sold with a warning that the user should “avoid spraying in eyes”.
Those are just some of the little random laws on record, as of the authors writing of the book. It was definitely an interesting read, just not one that I would do in one sitting, or am likely to revisit. There were some hilarious “instructional pictures” along with the book, but if you are expecting mostly pictures/illustrations this may not be the book for you. It is more text heavy then pictorial.
How to Become a Federal Criminal: An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender was an interesting book, one I decided to read purely out of curiosity. It was a likable book, just not as humorous or funny as I was expecting. I learned some new (and not particularly relevant/useful) things. I did laugh a little, just not as much as I was expecting. And I couldn’t read this book in one sitting because I just didn’t get as invested in it. It was more piecemeal reading. That being said it is simply astounding (and bemusing) just what the federal government has done with the law.
This book is sectioned off into different chapters that tell you how you can become a federal criminal in the following ways:
Chapter 1: By Mail
e.x. Put an unstamped letter in a mailbox
Chapter 2: With Animals
e.x. It is a crime to barter for a Flamingo
Chapter 3: With Money
e.x. It is a crime to mutilate a coin, it is also a crime to write a check for <$1.
Chapter 4: With Food
e.x. Margarine crimes. It is also a crime to sell runny ketchup (and the three ways you can spell ketchup)
Chapter 5: With Alcohol
e.x. It is a crime to be annoyingly drunk on a wildlife refuge
Chapter 6: On Federal Property
e.x. It is a crime to make an obscene gesture to a passing horse. It is also a crime to injure a government lamp.
Chapter 7: On the High Seas
e.x. It is a crime to correspond with a pirate
Chapter 8: In Other Ways
e.x. Food in a self pressurized container (like spray cheese) requires it be sold with a warning that the user should “avoid spraying in eyes”.
Those are just some of the little random laws on record, as of the authors writing of the book. It was definitely an interesting read, just not one that I would do in one sitting, or am likely to revisit. There were some hilarious “instructional pictures” along with the book, but if you are expecting mostly pictures/illustrations this may not be the book for you. It is more text heavy then pictorial.
April 10, 2019
Have you cut off a mattress tag and sold the mattress to someone? Have you communicated with pirates? Or have you drawn too large a mustache on a dollar bill? If so, you are a Federal criminal! Is Congress not wonderful? It has provided so many laws that can be broken! And Mike Chase is here to help you know when, where and how to do it!
In eight chapters, Mike Chase walks the would-be criminal through what you would need to do to be come a Federal criminal. Chapter 1 discusses becoming a criminal by mail. Chapter 2 deals with animal criminality. Chapter 3 concerns money crimes. Chapter 4 allows food to be criminalized. Chapter 5 brings alcohol into the mix. Chapter 6 sorts through crimes on Federal property. Chapter 7 entertains thoughts of pirates and the sea. Chapter 8 is the catchall - i.e. anything not covered in the other chapters.
Mike Chase actually comes by his knowledge legally since by day he is a white collar criminal defense lawyer while at night he puts out the @CrimeADay Twitter feed. How to Become a Federal Criminal is his attempt to share the fun he has had in dealing with crime with a wider audience. So if you have an interest in the law, in crime, in what not to do so you do not get caught as a criminal, or any combination there of, do read this title!
In eight chapters, Mike Chase walks the would-be criminal through what you would need to do to be come a Federal criminal. Chapter 1 discusses becoming a criminal by mail. Chapter 2 deals with animal criminality. Chapter 3 concerns money crimes. Chapter 4 allows food to be criminalized. Chapter 5 brings alcohol into the mix. Chapter 6 sorts through crimes on Federal property. Chapter 7 entertains thoughts of pirates and the sea. Chapter 8 is the catchall - i.e. anything not covered in the other chapters.
Mike Chase actually comes by his knowledge legally since by day he is a white collar criminal defense lawyer while at night he puts out the @CrimeADay Twitter feed. How to Become a Federal Criminal is his attempt to share the fun he has had in dealing with crime with a wider audience. So if you have an interest in the law, in crime, in what not to do so you do not get caught as a criminal, or any combination there of, do read this title!
August 19, 2019
I picked this up from the library because with a title like this - how could you not?! Mike Chase describes (with lots of snarky humor) the wide range of ways that one could become a federal criminal. Did you know that you may have committed a federal crime if a bird flies into your window or if you sell ketchup with it spelled any way other than three legal spellings? The accompanying step by step illustrations (and the captions, always the captions) cracked me up. The part about testing lighters had me unable to stop laughing. The only reason that I didn't give it 5 stars was that it gets a bit long and tedious at times. Still great to read in bits and pieces when you want a laugh. While not all (but most) of the included laws are ridiculous, I'd recommend this to anyone who enjoys reading trivia about stupid laws. It's also an amusing read for anyone who likes to read humorous, not-so-serious how-to books.
January 8, 2024
I want to give this book 4☆s, but I can't. It probably deserves a four-star-review, but I won't give it one.
Pros:
•Sense of humor
•diagrams
•breadth of content
•the introduction on where U.S. laws are written and how they are referenced (but I still wanna know more!)
Cons:
For too many of the laws, too little discussion was given to what I thought were great first steps towards more disussion on how and why some laws came into being or what they really mean. For other laws, exactly the above things were done! Great! But there were so many instances in which I found myself unsatisfied with what was written...wanting more to be said. Also, the chapters all ended abruptly without any summarization, discussion, or editorialization, which I thought was worth it given that the author may very well be the only person who knows about all of these topics and is qualified to orate/expound on this topic.
Pros:
•Sense of humor
•diagrams
•breadth of content
•the introduction on where U.S. laws are written and how they are referenced (but I still wanna know more!)
Cons:
For too many of the laws, too little discussion was given to what I thought were great first steps towards more disussion on how and why some laws came into being or what they really mean. For other laws, exactly the above things were done! Great! But there were so many instances in which I found myself unsatisfied with what was written...wanting more to be said. Also, the chapters all ended abruptly without any summarization, discussion, or editorialization, which I thought was worth it given that the author may very well be the only person who knows about all of these topics and is qualified to orate/expound on this topic.
March 17, 2019
How to Become a Federal Criminal will make you laugh from the very first page. Sometimes I just need to shake things up and get some full on humor on my reading list and this was perfect. It outlines the various crazy federal laws that are in existence in a light, easy and fun to read format. Let me give you an example of these “crazy laws” I am referring to: did you know it really is against federal law to kill a mockingbird? Are you aware that clogging a toilet in a national park can result in 6 months of federal prison time? - Silly things like that! I think I said “WTF” so many times while I read this. So many random AF federal laws! It also includes drawings and would make a great coffee table book. I was so entertained! I really could not stop giggling.
April 14, 2021
A great book to keep on the table
This is one of the few books that you can totally judge by its cover (fitting since so many pages are devoted to proper labeling). The contents, style, and humor are all there, visible from the shelf.
This book is a novelty, and a darn good one. I’m going to leave my copy on the coffee table for anyone to pick up and read, because that’s really how this book is best experienced. It’s funny, and on occasion manages to explain a quirk of the US’ legal code. The pictures add to the humor (my favorite is Fig. 6 – 17), and the notes pages even present an opportunity for tangential learning.
I’d also recommend the twitter account, it’s like a compressed version of the book
This is one of the few books that you can totally judge by its cover (fitting since so many pages are devoted to proper labeling). The contents, style, and humor are all there, visible from the shelf.
This book is a novelty, and a darn good one. I’m going to leave my copy on the coffee table for anyone to pick up and read, because that’s really how this book is best experienced. It’s funny, and on occasion manages to explain a quirk of the US’ legal code. The pictures add to the humor (my favorite is Fig. 6 – 17), and the notes pages even present an opportunity for tangential learning.
I’d also recommend the twitter account, it’s like a compressed version of the book
September 30, 2024
I really would give it a 2.5, but I feel like it has to be good for someone, just not for me. I was hoping this book would give me lots of fun facts, which it didn’t. I think in order for this book to give you the shock factor I was looking for, it would require a naivety in thinking that the government always knows whats best and doesn’t make mistakes or do stupid things. Plus, I have been reading books with facts like “blowing smoke up your butt” comes from people actually blowing smoke up your butt to resuscitate you from drowning, or that no birds fart, but parrots will imitate their owners farting. So perhaps my threshold for fun facts is a little out of scale.
March 7, 2020
This book is somewhat interesting and funny, my two stars more reflect it being overly ambitious. It was a little long and went into too much detail at times. This is mostly a flip-through type book, not sit down and read all the way through. If the author realized that it could have been made a little shorter.
There are lots of weird and outdated laws on the books, and this book goes through a bunch of them in a clever and sarcastic way. This is a good idea for something other than a book-long treatment of the subject.
There are lots of weird and outdated laws on the books, and this book goes through a bunch of them in a clever and sarcastic way. This is a good idea for something other than a book-long treatment of the subject.
June 16, 2020
I don't read nonfiction books very often, but with a title like this one's.... How could I say no? It's a quick read that had several moments that made me chuckle. Mike Chase's sarcasm is witty and on-point. Add into that some solid history and a look into America's lawmaking system, and you have a book that is as entertaining as it is educational. Honestly, with all the regulations in this country, I'm kind of surprised anything gets done at all. Guaranteed to make you laugh and shake your head!
September 21, 2020
An entertaining and informative book about some of the weird federal laws we have on the books in America. Mike Chase has clearly done a lot of research, and his writing explains the law in a way that laypeople like myself can understand well. I'd definitely recommend this book to anyone with at least a passing interest in the law. You won't need a J.D. to enjoy the content.
On another note, does anyone on here have some blind Swiss cheese to sell for non-manufacturing purposes? Asking for a friend. :P
On another note, does anyone on here have some blind Swiss cheese to sell for non-manufacturing purposes? Asking for a friend. :P
February 24, 2021
This book is pretty well-described and contains just what it suggests — some of the weirdest and non-intuitive laws that exist or have existed. The author has a great sense of humor, and the illustrations are really well done (also more plentiful than I would have thought).
Definitely one of those books where you often repeatedly bother the people with you while you’re reading it with the fun facts you’ve picked up. There’s also some fun info tangentially related to different laws that kinda freshens up the reading as you go.
Definitely one of those books where you often repeatedly bother the people with you while you’re reading it with the fun facts you’ve picked up. There’s also some fun info tangentially related to different laws that kinda freshens up the reading as you go.
May 16, 2022
I never thought I would like a book about law so much, but here we are. Mike Chase has amazing comedic delivery and an impressive ability to convey something in a way that sounds smart and stupid at the same time. The drawings are hilarious, the wording is superb, and the tongue-in-cheek contempt for dumb laws is exactly what I'd look for in a lawyer. I can't actually find anything negative to say about this book, so it gets the five-star treatment by default. Would definitely recommend anyone who enjoys comedy to give it a read.
November 29, 2024
Mike Chase does a great job pointing out the superfluous nature of the federal government and its overbearing regulations. He does this is a fun way, that doesn't feel like it's a lecture on politics or leaning in any specific way, just laughing at some of the ridiculous regulations that are still on the books while making plenty of quips about our current social comparison. Most of these regulations were 40+ years ago so it also serves as an interesting history lesson of the US and problems we went through over the centuries.
October 4, 2021
HILARIOUS !! and SO SAD that we have so many obscure laws still on the books !! BUT Mike Chase made it a joy to read about all those laws and how to go about getting arrested IF you so chose !! :)
It's not a book you would read in one sitting, or even a couple but when I needed a good laugh, I'd pull out the book and plan my next "job" !! Mike is a lawyer and so has direct access to these archaic laws !!
It's not a book you would read in one sitting, or even a couple but when I needed a good laugh, I'd pull out the book and plan my next "job" !! Mike is a lawyer and so has direct access to these archaic laws !!
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