The Toxic Parents Survival Guide: Recognizing, Understanding, and Freeing Yourself from These Difficult Relationships

by Bryn Collins

If you or someone you love grew up with an emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, or selfish parent, you probably struggle with residual feelings of anger, abandonment, loneliness, or shame. For anyone who endured a nightmare or a wasteland instead of a nurturing childhood, The Toxic Parents Survival Guide will offer you the clinical insights and the day-to-day tools so you can break the chains of toxicity that bind you in a mess you didn't create. Psychologist Bryn Collins pulls back the layers to explore the very complicated relationship with an emotionally unavailable parent. Whether they were unavailable because of addiction, mental illness, or being overly controlling or an iceberg, this imminently practical book will help validate your frustration and emotional struggles, help you set clear boundaries, and learn how to un-mesh yourself and move forward to a place of strength and peace without any guilt. Using case studies, quizzes, and jargon-free concepts, Collins profiles the most common types of toxic parents and offers the tactics and tools you need to change and break free of these painful associations. Your wounds can be healed and you can move forward. The Toxic Parents Survival Guide will help you find different ways of dealing with your parents' painful legacy so that you don't suffer and don't pass along emotional unavailability to the next generation or your current relationships.

Genres: Nonfiction

266 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 9, 2018

Reviews

[Em (Diversify Your Shelf) · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Stars

I chose this book on Net Galley for two reasons: the topic was relevant and I have enough knowledge about such things to know if advice is problematic, but not so much that it would be repetitious.

I am very much impressed with this book. One of the things I really appreciate is that the first part of the book starts with the basics of emotions and feelings: how they feel, how we act, and how we discuss them. As someone who is an English major, I thought the differentiation between primary and compound emotions (and why, for example, frustrated may mean a different combination of feelings for people) was incredibly enlightening in both a scholastic and practical way.

The definitions in the book are concise without having a lot of jargon, and the tone is nurturing and informational without being judgmental (to the reader).

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is or has toxic parents, but also anyone who needs better examples of how emotions feel and work.

[Kathryn Hoss · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Toxic Parents Survival Guide is a quick read with some very applicable lessons on how to be a "Solver," someone who cuts to the work of solving conflicts and understanding the people who cause them rather than reacting emotionally in a way that makes the situation worse.

BRYN'S MAGIC QUESTION: "What do we need to do to solve this problem?"

This question accomplishes a lot of objectives in changing the texture of the exchange. First, you're refusing to engage in dysfunctional behavior. Second, you're being clear you will not tolerate abuse. Third, you are asking the Blamer, in this case, to identify a problem as the problem, not a person as the problem. Fourth, you are inviting the Blamer to join you in problem-solving..

Honestly, I think this is good advice for most jobs and relationships, even those that are not toxic. We are trained to say things like this at my customer service job. "I'm sorry that this situation has not been resolved to your liking. How can we work together to solve this problem?"

I do think the title and the publisher's description are a bit misleading. More than half the book is spent outlining different "types" of toxic people rather than offering concrete methods of how to cope with them. I skipped broad swaths of the book because they were not applicable to me. However, I did highlight almost the entire chapter on narcissism.

The only way to win with a narcissist is not to play.

I would have liked more in-depth strategies on HOW to not play a narcissist's games. However, if you're looking for a short and thorough synthesis of different types of toxic behavior and a few good tips for handling them, this is a solid start.

#ToxicParentsSurvivalGuide #Netgalley

[Christine]

This was a good book on how to handle toxic people, particularly parents. It explores the complexity of handling a family member who has a toxic personality which may or may not be caused by a personality disorder. It describes the many mental issues and disorders that can cause this behavior and how to handle them without engaging. I found this book to be organized and helpful and I would recommend to people looking for help dealing with toxic relationships.

Thank you NetGalley for my complimentary copy in return for my honest review.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took me a couple of months to finish but it was well worth it. While there were some things that, as a Catholic, I knew I wouldn’t be able to use the rest was gold. It not only helped me identify patterns and confirmed things I’ve noticed but it also helped give me the tools I needed to better a relationship in my life. While I just finished it, I did start using the advice given and have seen the results over time. Highly recommended for those who grew up with toxic parents, have a difficult relationship with a family member, or want to find ways to move forward and heal from a toxic relationship.

[Helena#bookdreamer · Rating 5 out of 5]

At first I wasn't sure in what direction this book was heading. There were a lot of definitions and explanations on feelings and emotions. It read a lot like a text book and I felt a bit bored. But then it started getting into the relationship dynamics and how these dynamics can often lead to toxic relationships. I thought these observations were thought provoking and thorough. The author did an amazing job breaking each dynamic down and offering good solutions. The only thing I questioned were the verbal responses. When you're speaking to a parent who is often confrontational asking them how to resolve the issue can sometimes come off as belittling. Often time you have to approach the conversation with an organic response that fits the cultural dynamic.

I still felt the material was instructive and insightful. Definitely recommend.

Thank you Netgalley for providing this ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this up from the free/giveaway pile at work. One need not have toxic parents, necessarily, to find it helpful (although that is primarily what the book is about). I also found myself recognizing dynamics from previous toxic workplaces and toxic bosses through this book. The author does a really good job explaining the motivations of dysfunctional people and how to separate yourself from them in a way that preserves your sanity and encourages others to be problem-solvers. It’s a great entry-level text for someone who needs to get clarity on toxic family/work/group dynamic and hopefully will encourage readers to pursue therapy.

[Stormcloud · Rating 1 out of 5]

God, this book was exhausting, and not helpful at all. Does the author like to hear herself talk? Because that's all she fucking did. "I feel" language only helps if there's already trust in a parent/child relationship. It doesn't work for emotionally abusive fucks. In fact, all these fucking tactics she describes as "healthy" are USED by emotionally abusive fucks. They don't care. There's nothing in this stupid book to help me as a person to deal with this shit other than "leave the situation."

Okay, read the title of your book, you quack. What about surviving?

What now?

Jesus.

[Jean · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a good book to help you realize what you are feeling is
real. It took me many years to understand that I am enough. I am
a good person. It put things in perspective for me.
I wish I had read this book, if it had been around, many
years ago. It would have helped me resolve a lot of issues I have
suffered with.

Thank you so much, Bryn C. Collins, the publisher, and NetGalley for
giving me the chance to read and review this Survival Guide.

[Kat Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gave me a lot of insight into how to deal with narcissistic parents. I also learned things about why I am the way I am and toxic traits I may have inherited. Its not an overly complicated book- the text is easily understandable and gives you a lot of solutions in how to develop boundaries and speech structures. So glad I got to review this book from NetGalley.

[Jodi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook, so my review may be skewed. This book is jam packed with information and I know what I gleaned will be beneficial. It presented things in a different way than other books I've read, which I appreciated, as I feel it helped me see things differently.

[Isabelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book. Incredibly relevant for me. It was very helpful and I’m definitely going to buy it. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has a toxic parent in their life.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellently concise, easy to understand explanation of toxic family dynamics.

[Kadyn Gutierrez · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book left me wanting more because it was so well written yet it had just enough content to comprehensively understand the material. I love love loved this book.

[Corinne Rodrigues · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Toxic Parents Survival Guide adeptly elucidates the experience of growing up with emotionally unavailable parents who derive satisfaction from conveying that you fall short. Simply knowing that you're not alone and that there was nothing you could have done differently can be a powerful catalyst for heading in the right direction. The author skillfully navigates the identification of toxic behaviors and provides coping skills to facilitate healing, offering a comprehensive guide to comprehending one's upbringing and paving the way for a life liberated from the shadows of childhood demons.

Reading this book came at an opportune moment, serving as a poignant reminder that sometimes, letting go and moving forward is the key. I wholeheartedly recommend it to those who endured a challenging childhood and are seeking a deeper understanding of their past for a more promising future.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you or someone you love grew up with an emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, or selfish parent, you need to read this book today!

When one suffers through toxic parenting, one didn't get the nurturing necessary to develop into a fully-functional adult. The Toxic Parents Survival Guide will help by giving you the tools needed to overcome.

Written in a clear, easy to access format, this book is a good read and reference for all who are struggling with childhood demons.

Many thanks to NetGalley, the author, and the publisher for my ARC. All opinions are my own.

[Renee(Reneesramblings) · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you ever wondered what you did wrong as a child that made your parents treat you like something less than human, The Toxic Parents Survival Guide might be the book for you. I grew up with what I later called dysfunctional parents(though toxic is actually a much better word). I left home when I was 15, a home that from the outside looked 'picture perfect', but one where I was beaten down and mentally abused every day of my childhood. I have never regretted leaving even for a single minute, and as you can imagine, being on your own at 15 is no picnic, so the fact that being basically homeless with very few life skills was still a better option to me, says quite a lot.
This book does a great job of clearly explaining what it is like to have emotionally unavailable parents who seem to take great satisfaction in letting you know that you aren't good enough. Sometimes, just hearing that you aren't alone and that there isn't anything you could have done differently is enough to get you headed in the right direction. The author covers identifying the toxic behaviors as well as coping skills to help you heal and lead a life free( or relatively free) from your childhood demons. It is a very comprehensive guide to understanding your upbringing and assisting you in moving beyond your past to a better future. As an adult, I thought I could interact with my parents again, but sadly, the dynamics hadn't changed. I read this book at the perfect time, as I began sliding down the rabbit hole again and apparently needed a reminder that sometimes you just have to let go and move on. I highly recommend this to anyone who had a wasteland of a childhood and wants to better understand why.
I received an eARC from HCI Books through NetGalley.

[Summer Petersen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This little book looks simple, but proved to be a brilliant how-to guide for navigating day-to-day interactions that can feel like minefields of highly charged emotional conflict with difficult or disordered parents, and tangentially, other people in our lives who fill those roles. It works like a map. presenting a clear and simple way to chart of several kinds of unbalanced parent-child relationships. Don't underestimate it! The Toxic Parents Survival Guide also offers succinct phrases to help you quickly sidestep all the verbal traps a parent can hurl to pin you down where they want you. For instance, she advises never asking "Why do you..." which always sounds like a challenge, and suggests you instead use the statement "Help me understand how..." to be more assertive yet cooperative. She also reminds you that with practice, practice, and more practice these methods and strategies will help you get better at keeping your equilibrium and holding your ground. I have to say, I'm amazed at how a professional can break down a conflict into 5 basic roles by defining the characteristic dynamics. If you need a manual for how to embark on a phone conversation or a lunch date with a chronically blaming or gaslighting parent, this will get you started. Of course, no book can be the cure-all to all parent-related troubles. It is interesting to read that children who suffered abuse will not trust anyone as adults, and trusting no one is the equivalent of trusting all people equally. In other words, unable to distinguish who is good for us and who isn't. As one might expect, Collins advises a long-term commitment to therapy. If you're drained from chaotic interactions that leave you feeling powerless or out of control, this great book will help you find your footing, and your sanity.

[Crystal Arzu (Bookish in Midlife) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book for anyone who has had a difficult parent/child relationship. There are different types of toxic parents discussed. It covers the effects of emotional abuse (an offshoot of the toxicity) and ways to overcome the hurt and move on with your life. This book was well written and helped me more than I realized. It will be a good reference piece for anyone that struggles with their feelings and helps steer you away from continuing the toxic parenting rabbit hole.

Thank you, NetGalley for allowing me to read an ARC version of this excellent book.

[Sally · Rating 5 out of 5]

#TheToxicParentsSurvivalGuide #NetGalley

I read a review copy of the book that I had requested as it covers a subject close to my heart and my experience of growing up. Very interesting, relative, and the book explains clearly what it is like to have emotionally unavailable parents or parent. The author writes about coping strategies in order to overcome the toxic behaviour. A very good read in which the author shows a great understanding of the subject. I would recommend this.