Alone in the Trenches: My Life as a Gay Man in the NFL

by Esera Tuaolo, John Rosengren

This is Esera Tuaolo's own searing story of terror and hope. A Samoan raised on a Hawaiian banana plantation, he had a natural talent, football. He went on to play for five NFL the Green Bay Packers, the Minnesota Vikings, the Jacksonville Jaguars, the Carolina Panthers, and the Atlanta Falcons in the 1999 Super Bowl. But for the nine years he played professional football he lived in terror that when his face flashed upon the TV screen, someone would divulge his darkest secret. Esera Tuaolo is gay.
Alone in the Trenches takes you inside the homophobic world of professional football and describes fears that almost drove him to suicide. He evokes heartbreak--how his older brother, Tua, died of AIDS--and hope when, Esera, a deeply devout Christian fell in love and started a family.
"Tuaolo emerges in these pages as a complex, intellectually curious and fascinating individual defined neither by his choice of career nor by his sexual orientation." --Booklist
"Tough, tender and brutally honest." --Robert Lipsyte, former New York Times sports columnist
"Even I was not prepared for his amazing life story." --Billy Bean, author of Going the Other Way

Genres: Sports, LGBT, Nonfiction, Biography, History, Memoir

296 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2006

About the author

Born on the Island of Oahu but now reside in the Midwest, Minneapolis Minnesota. Esera has played in the National Football Leagues for 9 years, first being drafted by the Green Bay Packer in 1991 second round 35th pick, being the highest Defensive Linemen ever taken in Packer history from that time. Esera also was the first rookie to start all 16 games his rookie year in NFL history earning him a spot on the All Rookie team in 1991. (One of Esera memorable moments in the NFL was when he was asked to sing the National Anthem on a national televised Thursday night game against the Chicago Bears. As his knees buckled as he walked out to the middle of the field to sing in front of 80,000 screaming fan, his saving grace was that he started on pitch.) Esera went on to play with the Minnesota Vikings, the Jacksonville Jaguars, the 1998 Super Bowl contender Atlanta Falcons and ended his career with the Carolina Panthers. Five NFL teams an on all of them, Esera was asked to sing the national anthem before a game. In 1996-1997 Esera was asked to participate in a project that was led by Grid Iron records, NFL Players association and the National Football League where NFL stars were paired up with National recording artist. The albums were called NFL Country and NFL Jam. Esera was the only NFL player to be paired up on both albums because of his musical talent. On the NFL Jams album he was paired up with Ritchie Rich from the Dog Pound production, Jizsum from the Whoo Tang Clan and on the NFL Country album he was paired up with Lari White and Bryan White.

Esera Tuaolo long awaited album, self titled "ESERA" is a very eclectic album and it brings a whole different vibe to the ever changing music industry today. This album gives you a taste of everything from Pop; Pop Rock, R&B, Hip hop, and a flavor of his Samoan heritage. All heart felt and all with his inner passion that has been building up for years. Esera paired up with Producer song writer David Kellogg AKA, GRAVITY! The two formed an incredible writing team. It will definitely break the stereotype that Football player can't sing. He not can sing, but is an incredible performer on Stage.

Esera Tavai Tuaolo broke another stereotype when he shock the world in 2003 when he announced on HBO REAL SPORTS with Bryant Gumble that he is part of the GLBT community. Being Gay does not define the type of person Esera Tuaolo is but being and incredible Human being does. Though he has thought of walking through the Valley of Death a million times, by trying to commit suicide he was freed by three words "I AM GAY" Esera Tuaolo is also a father of two beautiful twins, Mitchell and Michele. Esera is also a advocate that travels around the country educating people on homophobia and sharing his life longs experience of a gay athlete living in a masculine world of football, hoping that his life story will save lives. In 2006 Esera wrote a book entitled "Alone in the Trenches" and Autobiography of his life growing with a secret that nearly took his life, but at the end comes out victorious because he is ALIVE. His mission now is to SAVE LIVES and to spread his music around the world.

Reviews

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Esera Tuaolo tells a heart moving story about his rise out of poverty as a young boy on a Hawaiian banana plantation to being a starting nose tackle in the Super Bowl. What sets this book apart from other rise to glory stories is that he had a secret to hide, a secret that he feared if it came out he'd lose everything. The secret he was hiding was his homosexuality.

The story that Tuaolo tells is a very open and honest one. From his days exploring who he is during his time at Oregon State University to his fears of his team mates and the press finding out who he was while in the NFL. He talks about his alcholism as a way to escape his fears and his recovery after coming out publicly in 2002 on HBO's "Real Sports," three years after retiring from the NFL.

This is the only book that ever made me openly weep. You could really feel the pain in his words. The way he describes how he felt when other players on the team brought their wives and girlfriends to the game, but how he had to meet up with his long-time husband after the game, out of the spotlight, was perhaps the most moving for me.

I would highly recommend this book for anyone that is looking for an inspirational story. It is a story of struggle, of isolation, of courage, and by the end a story of peace and acceptance.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book you need to read with a box of tissue next to you! Mr. Tuaolo talks frankly about how his life was while hiding his secret. He also shared the "roller coster ride" he went through with his husband. He opened my eyes to how much a secret like this could take a toll on a person. I agree with his ideas about religion - we aren't the ones who are supposed to do the judging. Although I felt sad about how he was treated in Hawai'i, I could see it happening despite how diverse or tolerant we think we are.

I wish I could have my students read this. He grew up in the area most of my students are from. It is a great book to teach tolerance and acceptance. Unfortunately, I don't think they are ready. And even more unfortunate - I don't think their parents are either!

The bottom line is - we ALL want to be accepted by others and find true love! Our sexual orientation, ethnicity, economic status, etc. shouldn't matter!

[Katie Bee · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very moving autobiography. Tuaolo tells his story openly and starkly - he doesn't gloss over how hard his struggle was. By the end of the book he's found happiness and peace by coming out and living his truth; I was sad to google him and find out that he broke up with his partner and went through some dark times again after that - in the book that relationship seemed to mean so much to him - but it seems like things are better again now for him, and I'm glad. Apparently he even appeared on The Voice this past year and went pretty far, with his twins there to cheer him on! I hope his life continues to go well from here on out.

It's crazy to me that a guy like Tuaolo could write so eloquently about the reality confronting a gay player in the NFL back in 2006 (when this book was published), and now, 12 years later, in some ways it feels very much the same. Oh, it would be frowned upon these days for a NFL player to be openly homophobic or bash a gay teammate, and I don't think a gay NFL player would be actively injured by his teammates to get him out of the league (as Tuaolo feared and other NFL players at the time admitted they expected would happen). But I also think the fact that we haven't had any player be out while playing in the league says a lot. (And Michael Sam's story illustrates that too - I'm not saying he was a superstar in the making, but he was good enough to play in the NFL, and that didn't happen.)

I do think we're inching closer to the day when there *will* be an openly gay player in the league. I hope when that day comes, they are supported by their teammates, their team, the league, and the fans.

[Matthew · Rating 3 out of 5]

Let me begin this review by saying that this book was tough to read. The nine-year death sentence (read the book and you'll understand what I mean) that Esera Tuaolo had to endure playing in the NFL as a closeted gay man. The story about his being molested as a child by his own uncle. Man, oh man.

Many times while I was reading this book I couldn't wait until I got to page 281 (the last page of the book), because it was like his life never got better even when he came out on HBO's Real Sports back in 2002 (again, read near the end of the book and you'll see what I mean).

At the end of the day this book was made to educate the public on what it feels like to be a closeted gay football player in college and in the NFL.

This book needed to be written not only for Tuaolo's therapeutic purposes, but to further educate the public on what it feels like to be apart of the LGBT culture.

[Eric Mueller · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is necessary and vital and I can't believe it took me this long to read it. Alone in the Trenches details Esera Tuaolo's life as a child growing up on banana fields in Oahu to his early retirement as an NFL football player. Plagued by a secret the entire time, Tuaolo details what life is like living in the closet. It's done in a way that's very matter of fact. No glitz, no grit, no glam. The accessibility of the book allows it to hit close to home at least for this queer ex-football player.

A lot of memoirs, especially ones that come across as celebrity biography, can be told very "shotgun style." Writers will list off memories almost randomly without it adding much to the story aside from further characterizing the narrator/writer, which is going to happen regardless as to whether or not a memory is told. What Tuaolo and his coworker do is make almost every memory and every character matter. Early childhood stuff, college stuff, and early professional stuff all find their way in and out of Esera's life and Tuaolo as a writer let's us know when their impact is truly felt as the book goes on. As far as book about celebrities go, this is as quality as they come.

If I had one gripe about this book, it's that his public coming out doesn't happen until the last parts of the book. I would have loved to see how he navigated life as an out and proud queer person more, but maybe that's the next book (which I'd totally read, just saying)

[Cheryl Haugen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book!

I loved reading this book. There was so many feelings expressed perfectly. The strength it
took to live the life that was true was amazing. I respected Esera before I knew his story, now I ADORE him!

[Margaret Behr · Rating 4 out of 5]

Alone in the Trenches provides an in-depth look into being a closeted NFL player. Tuaolo openly talks about his experiences as a player and his struggles to align his true identity with his athleticism. Tuaolo did not come out until after retiring for fear of injury and retaliation; reading about his fears and the possibility that his secret could end his career is powerful to say the least. Although sometimes the football references were lost on me, this true account is no less important. I see this book being used with young athletes, and potentially LGBT groups. Tuaolo reminds readers that even the "manliest" of men can be gay.

Favorite quote(s): This is the story of how I dared to dream, not only of surviving professional football, but of living openly for who I am, a gay man.

Football gave me something much more than an escape from my brother. It gave me affirmation. I needed that. . . That's when I learned that football was my way out. Football was a way to feel good. Even though there was all the homophobic stuff, football gave me a way to escape the pain.

My success hinged on the ability to protect my secret.

I don't understand how religious people can read the Bible and know that there's only one judge, yet take responsibility for being that judge.

The league needs to develop a more tolerant environment. That will start with educating the owners, management, and players. The NFL needs to humanize the professional gay athlete. Take away the negative stereotypes and create a more positive image of the gay athlete - one closer to the truth...education is half the battle.

My goal now in life is to educate people to make that possible. I want my children to live in a better world because of me.

[Below · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maybe more of a 2.5/5. I think that I should say that I have no interest in the NFL. I only read this book because of the homosexuality element, and even then as a rule I don't read sports autobiographies. I just say this to point out that there may well be a 'not my cup of tea' element to my opinion on the book. This book seemed a bit disjoined at times and seemed to jump around in time randomly, and in places to became a bit tricky to keep track of the narrative. (For example, certain sections about his childhood are not included until later, and they felt out of place where they were inserted). Other than this, the book was generally easy enough to read, but I also think that it lacked depth in places. Overall, I wouldn't say I disliked it, but there was nothing particularly about the book that made me like or love it.

[Ashley · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book had a sweet message to it, but it wasn't written very well. I hate to be a jerk in all these gushing reviews but it was, to me, a poorly written book. I guess if that doesn't bother you I'd totally suggest reading it but it bugged me a lot.

For example, there were parts where it was like he wrote the chapter, then went back and added a sentence at the end of each section to remind us that he was gay. It wasn't all like that but there were a lot of parts that were.

[John Seyfarth · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tuaolo's unceasing efforts to hide his true nature seem dated given current views of homosexuality. However, I suppose the macho attitudes in professional sports continue to make life difficult for gay men. Still, there were times as I read Tuaolo's account that I wished he would have been brave enough to come out of the closet.

[Jbussen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had a friend who was a gay construction worker. It was hard. Some things just aren't done. This poor bastard grew up near me and had to be two people until he retired. Sad. I hope one day gay people will just be people, same for all LGBQ, except conservative republicans. They can burn in hell while getting anally gang-raped by silver-back Gorillas.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting look at how a gay man survived in the Hyper-masculine, heterosexist field of NFL Football. It makes you question what you would do (and hide) to carry out your dreams.

[Jerry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great story and one that needed to be told. Writing seemed simplistic at times and the subject was disjointed occasionally.

[Gary F · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ine of the most honest and interesting sports memoirs I have read in a while. Very highly recommended.