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Nice: Why We Love to Be Liked and How God Calls Us to More
God never called us to be nice.
What happens when we replace courage with compromise?
What happens when we replace honesty with likability?
What happens when we replace conviction with clichés?
What happens when we replace discipleship to Christ with a devotion to nice?
We live in a culture that prizes niceness as one of its highest virtues. Niceness keeps the peace, wins friends, gains influence, and serves our reputations well, but it also takes the teeth out of our witness and the power out of our faith. When we choose to be nice instead of faithful, we bear fruits that are bland, bitter, empty, and rotten to the core.
In this life-changing book, Sharon Hodde Miller explores the seemingly innocent idol that has crept into our faith and quietly corrupted it, producing the bad fruits of cowardice, inauthenticity, shallowness, and more. Then she challenges readers to cultivate a better tree, providing practical steps to reclaim our credibility as followers of Christ, and bear better, richer, more life-giving fruits.
What happens when we replace courage with compromise?
What happens when we replace honesty with likability?
What happens when we replace conviction with clichés?
What happens when we replace discipleship to Christ with a devotion to nice?
We live in a culture that prizes niceness as one of its highest virtues. Niceness keeps the peace, wins friends, gains influence, and serves our reputations well, but it also takes the teeth out of our witness and the power out of our faith. When we choose to be nice instead of faithful, we bear fruits that are bland, bitter, empty, and rotten to the core.
In this life-changing book, Sharon Hodde Miller explores the seemingly innocent idol that has crept into our faith and quietly corrupted it, producing the bad fruits of cowardice, inauthenticity, shallowness, and more. Then she challenges readers to cultivate a better tree, providing practical steps to reclaim our credibility as followers of Christ, and bear better, richer, more life-giving fruits.
224 pages, Paperback
Published August 20, 2019
134 people are currently reading
2040 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 132 reviews
May 9, 2019
When this book came across my desk, I'll be honest, I thought this was going to be another self-help-y book for Christian women about getting beyond "nice-ness" to be more "authentic", blah blah, blah.
I. Was. So. Wrong!
Miller's latest book is a total take-down of that mentality grounded in scripture and rich theological tradition. Nice calls women back to a deeply rooted discipleship in order to live honestly broken yet redeemable lives that point to Christ rather than themselves.
This book was convicting and powerful, constantly pointing me back to scripture. I'm so grateful for the mirror this book has been and I pray this book gets into the hands of the hungry readers searching for such truth.
I would recommend this to Christians (women AND men) looking for wise commentary on the "Nice" Christian culture and a Biblical answer to it. If you enjoy theologians and philosophers like Jen Pollock Michel, Karen Swallow Prior, and Christina Edmondson, you NEED to pick up this book. Miller is a theologian and teacher to watch and this sophomore release is a powerhouse!
I. Was. So. Wrong!
Miller's latest book is a total take-down of that mentality grounded in scripture and rich theological tradition. Nice calls women back to a deeply rooted discipleship in order to live honestly broken yet redeemable lives that point to Christ rather than themselves.
This book was convicting and powerful, constantly pointing me back to scripture. I'm so grateful for the mirror this book has been and I pray this book gets into the hands of the hungry readers searching for such truth.
I would recommend this to Christians (women AND men) looking for wise commentary on the "Nice" Christian culture and a Biblical answer to it. If you enjoy theologians and philosophers like Jen Pollock Michel, Karen Swallow Prior, and Christina Edmondson, you NEED to pick up this book. Miller is a theologian and teacher to watch and this sophomore release is a powerhouse!
October 2, 2019
I spent a lot of my high school years as a people pleaser and being a "nice" girl. I wasn't a Christian yet, but I went to church and thought that was how best to get close to God--to be a good person and nice to everyone. Many of those traits continued after I became a believer. Sharon Hodde Miller tells us in Nice that that isn't exactly what following Jesus looks like.
In Nice, Miller contrasts living a life of niceness to living a life in the Spirit of God and how those fruits differ. In the first part of the book, she shows us the fruits of in-authenticity, corruption, cowardice, cynicism, self-righteousness, and sentimentality. Interestingly enough, I found this book to be more convicting than I expected and was surprised to find that some of those traits applied to my way of living. As I have matured, I thought I had gotten rid of a lot of my people pleasing ways, but Miller showed me that I still have some work to do. In the second half of the book, she shares how we can grow to embrace God's true design for our life, to root our soul in Jesus, to prune the ways we need to let go of, and to flourish as we walk with God now. As you may have noticed, throughout the book, Miller uses many gardening analogies that I think many people can relate to whether they garden or not.
One of the biggest take-aways from this book for me was that niceness isn't so much about what we do as it is what we do not do. Many times in the name of being nice we fail to truly live out our faith and stand up for Jesus at times when we need to. I am sure I have never read another book addressing this important issue. I thought Miller did an excellent job of explaining what "nice" means and doesn't mean. She draws on Scripture and personal experiences, as well as sharing excerpts from other important works throughout the book as she explains important principles. For me, Nice is a keeper and a book that I will refer to again in my personal library. Nice would also make a great book for group discussion. There are questions at the end of each chapter along with a Scripture to focus on. I highly recommend this important book from Miller.
I received this book from the publisher. All opinions expressed in this review are my own.
In Nice, Miller contrasts living a life of niceness to living a life in the Spirit of God and how those fruits differ. In the first part of the book, she shows us the fruits of in-authenticity, corruption, cowardice, cynicism, self-righteousness, and sentimentality. Interestingly enough, I found this book to be more convicting than I expected and was surprised to find that some of those traits applied to my way of living. As I have matured, I thought I had gotten rid of a lot of my people pleasing ways, but Miller showed me that I still have some work to do. In the second half of the book, she shares how we can grow to embrace God's true design for our life, to root our soul in Jesus, to prune the ways we need to let go of, and to flourish as we walk with God now. As you may have noticed, throughout the book, Miller uses many gardening analogies that I think many people can relate to whether they garden or not.
One of the biggest take-aways from this book for me was that niceness isn't so much about what we do as it is what we do not do. Many times in the name of being nice we fail to truly live out our faith and stand up for Jesus at times when we need to. I am sure I have never read another book addressing this important issue. I thought Miller did an excellent job of explaining what "nice" means and doesn't mean. She draws on Scripture and personal experiences, as well as sharing excerpts from other important works throughout the book as she explains important principles. For me, Nice is a keeper and a book that I will refer to again in my personal library. Nice would also make a great book for group discussion. There are questions at the end of each chapter along with a Scripture to focus on. I highly recommend this important book from Miller.
I received this book from the publisher. All opinions expressed in this review are my own.
June 3, 2020
This book challenged me and inspired me to stand up for what is right. Her honest and courageous words shine a light on things in my own life that need to change.
August 31, 2019
“God never called us to be nice,” Miller writes. (Loc 2345/2640) What? But after reading her book, I think I get it. Yes, we are called to exhibit kindness, gentleness, and the other fruit of the Spirit. Being nice is not in that list.
Being nice means we want to be liked and appreciated. We don't speak the truth and we avoid hard conversations. It can become an idol and it can stand between us and obedience. It is “false formation that has replaced conformity to Christ.” (Loc 2391/2640)
Miller shows us the bad fruit of niceness. We can look so great, so Christian, for example, but hide what is really going on underneath. It is a false virtue. It is being religious. It is pleasing people rather than God.
Miller takes the second half of her book to help us uproot the tree of niceness and replace it with one growing toward true Christlikeness. To help readers incorporate the material included, Miller provides a Scripture at the end of each chapter as well as questions for personal reflection or group study.
I am a bit stunned by this book since my parents demanded niceness as I was growing up. Miller's book has given me a whole new way to look at being “nice,” especially my motives for doing so. This is a good book for Christians who want to grow in Christlikeness and avoid the trap of being nice.
I received a complimentary egalley of this book from the publisher. My comments are an independent and honest review. The quotes above are from an unedited copy of the book and may have changed in the final edition.
Being nice means we want to be liked and appreciated. We don't speak the truth and we avoid hard conversations. It can become an idol and it can stand between us and obedience. It is “false formation that has replaced conformity to Christ.” (Loc 2391/2640)
Miller shows us the bad fruit of niceness. We can look so great, so Christian, for example, but hide what is really going on underneath. It is a false virtue. It is being religious. It is pleasing people rather than God.
Miller takes the second half of her book to help us uproot the tree of niceness and replace it with one growing toward true Christlikeness. To help readers incorporate the material included, Miller provides a Scripture at the end of each chapter as well as questions for personal reflection or group study.
I am a bit stunned by this book since my parents demanded niceness as I was growing up. Miller's book has given me a whole new way to look at being “nice,” especially my motives for doing so. This is a good book for Christians who want to grow in Christlikeness and avoid the trap of being nice.
I received a complimentary egalley of this book from the publisher. My comments are an independent and honest review. The quotes above are from an unedited copy of the book and may have changed in the final edition.
February 4, 2021
This was a novel concept for me: the difference between nice and kind. I think this could've been an article I read instead of a 200 page book, though. I'm doing the YouVersion devotion, as well, and that probably would've sufficed. This made me realize a trigger for me is nice people, the fake ones who never share their real lives. We can't truly grow in Christ if we're just nice.
September 26, 2020
Required reading for Christians in the US, particularly. Sharon gives us a call to live fruitful lives that uproot the idol of niceness, and it is so needed.
September 23, 2019
Sharon has a unique way of writing that pulls you into her own life story, keeps you nodding along with her frank ability to share truths + makes you want to cheer along...without realizing the unique ability she also has to make your own walls crumble in the process. Since reading this book my world is now viewed through the lens of "am I being nice or kind?" Her emphasis on the courage of kindness versus the cowardliness of niceness is groundbreaking. This book is a must-read for women raised in the framework of a "good girl" upbringing, and invaluable to those who have seen the Christian world through the lens of a "nice" requirement instead of one that speaks love + truth through kindness, even when it doesn't fit the polite framework of nice.
April 29, 2022
Very insightful- loved how she used real, applicable examples from our current culture and reflected on her own views of how "being nice" isn't what God calls us to be.
See my review here: http://www.fishfulllife.com/are-we-sl...
See my review here: http://www.fishfulllife.com/are-we-sl...
September 25, 2019
When Jesus set the parameters for a blessed life, they must have landed with surprise on the ears of his hillside congregation. The Beatitudes are even more counter-cultural today, for the 21st-century church conveys blessings of a different sort:
Blessed are those who keep up appearances;
Blessed are you when you look good and say good things–preferably in fewer than 280 characters;
Blessed is she who plays it safe and offends no one with her strong words or deeply held convictions.
Sharon Hodde Miller has put her finger on our need to be liked and has then given her readers tools for smashing the idol of niceness. The truth of Nice, her latest book, is that God has called us to so much more than a life of safe answers and artificial sweetness. The power of God in us enables believing women to embody true kindness, honesty, courage, and joy. We are called and we are empowered by His Spirit to speak words of truth without veering into outrage and to cultivate true fruits of righteousness in our relationships, workplace, ministry, and community.
The Idol of Niceness
Without advocating for rudeness or a shrill voice, Miller uncovers the ugly roots of niceness:
…we make ourselves pleasant, agreeable, acceptable, or likable in order to get something. We use niceness to achieve belonging or avoid conflict, but we also use it to amass influence and power. We use niceness to succeed in the workplace or to manage the way people perceive us. (23)
Oddly, “nice” first showed up in the dictionary in a 1604-edition to describe that which was “slow and laysie.” By the early 1800’s, it had come into its present connotation for pleasing behavior. Sadly, we’re prone, particularly in the church, to value niceness over other qualities and to excuse just about any lack of virtue in those who possess the false virtue of niceness.
According to Phil Ryken, president of Wheaton College, niceness is “easy to fake,” and as we craft and curate our images on social media, we are continually challenged to check our motivation and to stay grounded in authenticity.
The False Virtue of Niceness
Notorious child-molester Dr. Larry Nassar was a “nice” guy. For decades, his upstanding reputation caused coaches and parents to doubt young female gymnasts who accused Nassar of inappropriate behavior in the examining room. When we put our faith in niceness, we become blinded to truth. In Matthew 7, Jesus calls his followers to a sharp discernment that distinguishes between the sheep and the wolves that come our way, and good listening and continual character development are our strongest tools in preventing blind spots and uncovering our biases.
Miller warns readers against false virtues that are the fruit of empty niceness:
Fake courage
C.S. Lewis’s Screwtape aimed to confuse courage with “feeling brave” in the mind of his patient.
“Brave” has become a juicy commodity for Christian writers and speakers, so we’re continually reinforced in patting ourselves on the back for courage that is more about platform than about the uncomfortable disruption we see in the lives of Old Testament heroes like Jeremiah and his fellow prophets with their gritty messages calling for repentance and warning of judgment.
Fake righteousness
Self-righteousness puts on a good show, but the “niceness” evaporates when grace for the “undeserving” walks into the room–or when a truly brave soul dares to take on the Pharisee with constructive criticism.
Our Greatest Obstacle to Spiritual Growth
Every spiritual discipline and every positive example of Christ in the New Testament, all given for our growth, cuts across our standard of what the “nice” Christian should do or be. With our addiction to success, it’s hard to make room for teaching that looks like death or loss, but (returning to Matthew 7 and the Sermon on the Mount) Jesus is all about pruning, cutting back, and burning the dead wood.
As we abandon our middle school efforts to enter the “inner ring,” as we conform to Christ and understand that we don’t need to become someone else in order to come to Christ, the masks come off. The example of the apostle Peter during Jesus’s trials and later in the early church reveals that most of us want acceptance far more than we want Christ.
As our roots go deep into disciplines of worship, study, obedience, and hope, we begin to see that we are being held in relationship with Christ the True Vine, and this is where true virtue lives. Nice is our call to close the gap between who we are and who we are called to be; to be who we say we are; and to begin the slow work that produces the fruit of righteousness, the only fruit that lasts for eternity.
Many thanks to Baker Books for providing a copy of this book to facilitate my review, which, of course, is offered freely and with honesty.
Blessed are those who keep up appearances;
Blessed are you when you look good and say good things–preferably in fewer than 280 characters;
Blessed is she who plays it safe and offends no one with her strong words or deeply held convictions.
Sharon Hodde Miller has put her finger on our need to be liked and has then given her readers tools for smashing the idol of niceness. The truth of Nice, her latest book, is that God has called us to so much more than a life of safe answers and artificial sweetness. The power of God in us enables believing women to embody true kindness, honesty, courage, and joy. We are called and we are empowered by His Spirit to speak words of truth without veering into outrage and to cultivate true fruits of righteousness in our relationships, workplace, ministry, and community.
The Idol of Niceness
Without advocating for rudeness or a shrill voice, Miller uncovers the ugly roots of niceness:
…we make ourselves pleasant, agreeable, acceptable, or likable in order to get something. We use niceness to achieve belonging or avoid conflict, but we also use it to amass influence and power. We use niceness to succeed in the workplace or to manage the way people perceive us. (23)
Oddly, “nice” first showed up in the dictionary in a 1604-edition to describe that which was “slow and laysie.” By the early 1800’s, it had come into its present connotation for pleasing behavior. Sadly, we’re prone, particularly in the church, to value niceness over other qualities and to excuse just about any lack of virtue in those who possess the false virtue of niceness.
According to Phil Ryken, president of Wheaton College, niceness is “easy to fake,” and as we craft and curate our images on social media, we are continually challenged to check our motivation and to stay grounded in authenticity.
The False Virtue of Niceness
Notorious child-molester Dr. Larry Nassar was a “nice” guy. For decades, his upstanding reputation caused coaches and parents to doubt young female gymnasts who accused Nassar of inappropriate behavior in the examining room. When we put our faith in niceness, we become blinded to truth. In Matthew 7, Jesus calls his followers to a sharp discernment that distinguishes between the sheep and the wolves that come our way, and good listening and continual character development are our strongest tools in preventing blind spots and uncovering our biases.
Miller warns readers against false virtues that are the fruit of empty niceness:
Fake courage
C.S. Lewis’s Screwtape aimed to confuse courage with “feeling brave” in the mind of his patient.
“Brave” has become a juicy commodity for Christian writers and speakers, so we’re continually reinforced in patting ourselves on the back for courage that is more about platform than about the uncomfortable disruption we see in the lives of Old Testament heroes like Jeremiah and his fellow prophets with their gritty messages calling for repentance and warning of judgment.
Fake righteousness
Self-righteousness puts on a good show, but the “niceness” evaporates when grace for the “undeserving” walks into the room–or when a truly brave soul dares to take on the Pharisee with constructive criticism.
Our Greatest Obstacle to Spiritual Growth
Every spiritual discipline and every positive example of Christ in the New Testament, all given for our growth, cuts across our standard of what the “nice” Christian should do or be. With our addiction to success, it’s hard to make room for teaching that looks like death or loss, but (returning to Matthew 7 and the Sermon on the Mount) Jesus is all about pruning, cutting back, and burning the dead wood.
As we abandon our middle school efforts to enter the “inner ring,” as we conform to Christ and understand that we don’t need to become someone else in order to come to Christ, the masks come off. The example of the apostle Peter during Jesus’s trials and later in the early church reveals that most of us want acceptance far more than we want Christ.
As our roots go deep into disciplines of worship, study, obedience, and hope, we begin to see that we are being held in relationship with Christ the True Vine, and this is where true virtue lives. Nice is our call to close the gap between who we are and who we are called to be; to be who we say we are; and to begin the slow work that produces the fruit of righteousness, the only fruit that lasts for eternity.
Many thanks to Baker Books for providing a copy of this book to facilitate my review, which, of course, is offered freely and with honesty.
April 17, 2022
Niceness may be pleasant, but it lacks conviction. It has no soul.
Kindness is not blandly pleasant, and it’s not safe. Kindness takes risk, it walks lovingly towards difficulty and even derision. It does not shrink in face of conflict. Niceness avoids avoids avoids, retreats from adversity, prefers status quo.
We believe that being nice will ease the beginning of relationships, endear us to people, hold relationships together, prevent emotional pain, coverup flaws or unkind thoughts, mask true motives, spare us from saying hard things, and provide us with peace. Sad irony is that this kind of belonging only alienates us further. We are not truly known. Our acceptance is conditional. Niceness promises something it cannot give. We are nice because we fear aloneness, but our niceness only perpetuates it.
The world is crying out for this kind of bravery, but niceness will not call us to these things, it can’t. The idol of being liked or keeping the peace runs against our need to be accepted and the fear of man, and trying to please people. Niceness and courage cannot coexist, and we have to choose a master.
Are you more likely to rebel against God’s law or God’s grace? (Prodigal son and elder brother)
Benjamin Myers: Sentimentality is emotional satisfaction without emotional connection.
Kindness is not blandly pleasant, and it’s not safe. Kindness takes risk, it walks lovingly towards difficulty and even derision. It does not shrink in face of conflict. Niceness avoids avoids avoids, retreats from adversity, prefers status quo.
We believe that being nice will ease the beginning of relationships, endear us to people, hold relationships together, prevent emotional pain, coverup flaws or unkind thoughts, mask true motives, spare us from saying hard things, and provide us with peace. Sad irony is that this kind of belonging only alienates us further. We are not truly known. Our acceptance is conditional. Niceness promises something it cannot give. We are nice because we fear aloneness, but our niceness only perpetuates it.
The world is crying out for this kind of bravery, but niceness will not call us to these things, it can’t. The idol of being liked or keeping the peace runs against our need to be accepted and the fear of man, and trying to please people. Niceness and courage cannot coexist, and we have to choose a master.
Are you more likely to rebel against God’s law or God’s grace? (Prodigal son and elder brother)
Benjamin Myers: Sentimentality is emotional satisfaction without emotional connection.
September 5, 2019
I was worried this book wouldn’t be as applicable to me as much as Free of Me, because I’ve never really considered myself a Nice person, actually I seem to weigh more on the side of critic.
But this book covers so much more than being just the typical Nice Christian. It calls to action our Christian beliefs, and to not just put on a show. Get rid of the fake and bring on the real Christ like you!
So thankful for Sharon’s wisdom and willingness to be used by God.
“The trouble is, when spiritual clichés, upbeat music, inspiring Instagram posts, and motivational wall art become the core of our daily discipleship, we possess a sweet and sugary faith whose fruit appeals to everyone but satisfies no one.“
-Nice, Sharon Miller
But this book covers so much more than being just the typical Nice Christian. It calls to action our Christian beliefs, and to not just put on a show. Get rid of the fake and bring on the real Christ like you!
So thankful for Sharon’s wisdom and willingness to be used by God.
“The trouble is, when spiritual clichés, upbeat music, inspiring Instagram posts, and motivational wall art become the core of our daily discipleship, we possess a sweet and sugary faith whose fruit appeals to everyone but satisfies no one.“
-Nice, Sharon Miller
April 27, 2021
This is probably the best Christian book I have ever read. This book is for women well into their faith who want to go deeper. The book targets the idols of people-pleasing, politics, and worldly success and contrasts it with the truth of what it actually means to be a follower of Christ. Nice courage is a "sugar-coated Christ that requires nothing from us - neither conviction or commitment." "The nice Christian becomes shocked and entitled when things don't work out or when circumstances are hard." Nice likes to "swim around in the shallow end of God's Word." We must be bold. "If no one is ever offended or made uncomfortable by our words, then our lives do not reflect the full spectrum of Jesus's life, or his Word."
August 14, 2019
In a very personal and conversational style Sharon outlines the fruits of niceness: fake, rotten, bland, bitter, hard, and processed. Each of these fruits identifies a sinful root of why we choose niceness over the way of Jesus. She goes on to look at how we as Christians can grow healthier. Each chapter is like a mini sermon with illustrations and explanations that challenge Christians to a deeper way of being. What I liked most about this book was that it showed me where I could grow as a follower of Jesus. It didn’t pressure me to do more things, instead it challenged me to root and abide in Christ.
September 5, 2019
Sharon Hodde Miller has such a great way of speaking the truth in love, which is one of the reasons she's an ideal author to write about such an important topic for Christians today. We have to move beyond nice! We have to truly love others, even when it's hard and even when that means we what we say and do isn't popular. She uses humble examples from her own life, which helps the reader know she's on this journey with us. She references lots of great resources, which shows that she seeks wise advice from other Christians how have blazed the trail ahead of her. I highly recommend this book and if you haven't already read it I also HIGHLY recommend her other book "Free of Me"!!!
September 10, 2019
I read this book because I appreciate Sharon’s first book and the clear way she communicates the truth of who Jesus is. In Nice, Sharon asks us to consider if the way we view Christianity is actually how Jesus directs us to live. In each chapter she challenges our assumptions about niceness and points us to the truth. It’s hard to pick a favorite chapter as each one clearly shows how we can lost in what seems nice and pushes us to what following Jesus actually is. She studied scripture and uses it as the foundation for all she communicates in this book. If you are open to growth and better understanding how we are to live, this book is for you.
August 21, 2019
I wish I could put into words how I feel about this book, but honestly, I can’t do it justice. This is the book our culture needs right now. We are in desperate need of people who are courageous in the real sense of the word. Sharon so eloquently, lovingly, and scripturally helps us to see the bad fruits of “niceness” and, rather, challenges us to pursue Christlike kindness, truthfulness, and courage. Read this book. Read it again. Highlight it. Share it with a friend. This is a book that can radically change your faith.
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April 27, 2020I'm excited to be celebrating the release of Sharon Hodde Miller's latest book, Nice: Why We Love to be Liked and How God Calls Us to More. This has been such a powerful read for me. I’m a chronic “nice girl,” and I’ve been slowly pouring over it and scripture to relearn that being a nice Christian doesn’t mean letting others take advantage of you. I’m still nice, but I’m also learning to take care of myself as well.
August 23, 2020
This book is excellent. Miller pinpoints the Christian idolatry of niceness head on and counters the people-pleasing ethic so pervasive in evangelical circles. Miller advocates not for an abrasive faith, but an assertive one that walks in obedience to Jesus and his principles and is unafraid to call out other Christians when they are in the wrong. This book spoke to me, challenged me, and affirmed me in many ways. I’m really thankful for it.
October 17, 2021
I was in the middle of writing a very similar book on the same subject but for a broader audience. Sharon says everything perfectly and had me agreeing with her in every chapter! The world needs this message so much!!!! My husband asked if I was upset someone else was writing about the same thing and I was very adamant that I was extremely excited that she had written this. This message needs to be heard from multiple outlets!!! Quit being nice!!
May 19, 2024
This was a very eye-opening book for me as a recovering people pleaser. The premise is that we think being a nice Christian is what we are called to be, but Jesus wasn’t always nice. Sometimes being a Christian means speaking truth and honoring God rather than pleasing people. A challenging but important read.
December 30, 2019
I really enjoyed the perspective and depth offered in this book. Certainly planning to recommend it to a number of friends this year.
June 20, 2020
This book made me more aware of the ways I need to be more brave in speaking truth, than worrying about people’s perceptions of me.
February 4, 2022
I appreciate Miller's mix of transparency, vulnerability, and honesty. She isn't shying away from presenting the totality of what the Bible says even when it means pointing out the challenges ahead.
April 22, 2025
The general concepts in this book were good, but it lacked depth.
September 29, 2019
Sharon Hodde Miller, who,with her husband, Ike, heads up Bright City Church in Durham, NC, shares the journey she's been on over the years, learning that being a good Christian does not necessarily require you to be an overly "nice" one. In fact, it can actually read to others as false faith. So why are so many compelled to put up this front? After years of observation and experience, Miller shares her theories as well as some suggestions on how believers can develop a more genuine and ultimately more richly fulfilling approach to navigating through their lives and faith.
Instead of being caught up in the appearance of nice, readers are urged to seek and practice true kindness, humility, honesty, courage, and joy. This book will help you to identify the difference between the "for real" versus the facade and guide you towards a plan on how to sincerely and humbly walk through life... with the ultimate outcome (hopefully) being that you develop a faith that is even more resilient to emotional storms and life upheavals.
Miller takes time to explain that with this book it is not her intent to attack ALL people who choose to be nice. Of course being nice is a good thing. What this book discusses is when you use "nice" for self-serving purposes --- using it as an alternative to uncomfortable conversations you don't want to have (you know, difficult matters that actually NEED addressing / healing), unpopular opinions you are afraid to voice, or just being nice simply because you know it will get you something you want. She points out that initially these situations often start from a place of good intentions, but ultimately you just end up hurting others involved. It's important to state as well that Miller, at several points in this book, makes it clear that it is not her intent to give readers a hall pass to go about spewing unfiltered, mean-spirited opinion at people in the form of "being real". Yes, the goal is to be truthful without fear, but it's best if one also implements some tact in the moment!
I hope you're ready, students, because Miller is firing on all cylinders right from the intro! Each chapter ends on relevant scripture to ponder on, as well as a list of "Digging Deeper" questions for reflection until you're ready to delve into the next chapter, some of my favorites (taken from different chapters) being:
* Who in your life is best able to see your blind spots?
* How does inauthenticity in social media affect you?
* Do you think we ever outgrow the pressure / attraction of "the inner ring"?
So, step one, how do we identify false niceness or false faith, either in ourselves or others? Motivation for the behavior seems to be a key identifier in why we might USE it, while comfort is why we RESPOND to it, why we are so quick to forgive various forms of bad behavior or unpleasantness in the presence of "nice". Think of it in terms of criminals, serial killers, con artists, celebrities caught committing crimes... how often do we hear witnesses say something to the effect of "I never suspected... they seemed so NICE." Miller specifically brings up the case of Dr. Larry Nassar, who in 2016 was accused of sexual abuse by 156 women, many being female Olympic gymnasts who were assured by their coaches that this guy was a trustworthy physician.
Once identified, it's onto step two, breaking the habit of fake nice / false faith. How do we go about doing that? One of the biggie skills Miller suggests tapping into or developing is the power of discernment, broken down into three steps:
1) Look at a person's character: "Humility. Discretion. Gentleness. Healing. These are the marks of wisdom and righteousness displayed consistently, sacrificially, and over a long period of time. Destruction. Anger. Recklessness. Pride. An inability to listen, to be taught, or to admit wrongdoing. These are the markers of wickedness and foolishness, but niceness can dress them up attractively. Niceness can cloak these warning signals in charisma, flattery, affinity, and false intimacy. Niceness can even hide these traits behind an image of lowliness and humility, and it can do so very convincingly. But it can't do it for long. Eventually its true colors will shine through, and we have to be willing to acknowledge when it does.
2) Confession of Bias: "We are partial to our friends, but we are especially biased when it comes to those who have supported us through good times and bad. In deeply rooted relationships, we are prone to overlook warning signs and extend the benefit of a doubt because "we know them."
3) Be quick to LISTEN: "We will find ourselves unable to discern between niceness and true character without the help of a wide and diverse community of people, some of whom we disagree with passionately."
From there, Miller gets into the dangers of not fighting against false niceness, one result being falling into "safe, nice, comfortable courage", where a person puts forth an outward front of boldness in spirit, when really they are merely aligning themselves with people or ideas that already echo familiar or preferred beliefs / values. If you cast your vote with those already in your favor, continue to avoid difficult topics, basically take the easy route through all this...Miller urges you to find the courage within yourself to step away from the comfortable, the self-serving, self-protecting. Be willing to make people uncomfortable if it means airing a truth that needs to be said (ie. do you have a friend or family member frequently making destructive choices in their life?). Otherwise, she warns, you're "ceding territory to the enemy", using the biblical story of Micah as reference. Micah was prohibited from preaching because his hard truths made people uncomfortable.
Translating that into today's world, think of people trying to discuss "hot button" issues --- race, religion, immigration, etc --- how many conversations do we go out of our way to avoid because we fear the blowback from sharing our true stance on the matter? In all likelihood, you will catch heat, but if it's important to you to share your truth, do so. But again, with tact. Don't veer into unnecessary name-calling or FB rants the length of college entrance essays.
Miller also speaks on the idea of "sentimental faith", equating it to processed food or "healthy options" at fast food restaurants (maybe looks like the more nutritious choice on the outside, but really secretly packed with sugar or other additives). Sentimental faith likewise looks good on the outside, makes you feel cozy on the inside, but ultimately has very little long term substance to it.
So in the end, Miller asks of her readers to move towards a place of learning to see yourself honestly, stepping away from the pull of having your actions be motivated by the desire to be liked or included, instead focusing on the truth of you. Just your inner you. Embrace the freedom that comes from fully accepting and acknowledging your strong points and your flaws, your abilities and inabilities, your TRUTH... and use that for bettering the world around you rather than self-serving needs or desires.
Reading partway through this book, the idea came to me that I might be an outward cynic, but an internal optimist... at least on some level. Getting a little further in in my reading and sure enough, Miller touches upon this very idea, saying that such people "earnestly want to see the world be a better place, but somewhere along the way we were disappointed, let down, shocked by the magnitude of the world's brokenness." Yes! That, exactly! Perfectly put! It finally makes sense of a sensation I've been struggling with for some time!
Note: One portion of this book contains spoilers for Les Miserables by Victor Hugo.
FTC Disclaimer: Baker Books kindly provided me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. The opinions above are entirely my own.
Instead of being caught up in the appearance of nice, readers are urged to seek and practice true kindness, humility, honesty, courage, and joy. This book will help you to identify the difference between the "for real" versus the facade and guide you towards a plan on how to sincerely and humbly walk through life... with the ultimate outcome (hopefully) being that you develop a faith that is even more resilient to emotional storms and life upheavals.
Miller takes time to explain that with this book it is not her intent to attack ALL people who choose to be nice. Of course being nice is a good thing. What this book discusses is when you use "nice" for self-serving purposes --- using it as an alternative to uncomfortable conversations you don't want to have (you know, difficult matters that actually NEED addressing / healing), unpopular opinions you are afraid to voice, or just being nice simply because you know it will get you something you want. She points out that initially these situations often start from a place of good intentions, but ultimately you just end up hurting others involved. It's important to state as well that Miller, at several points in this book, makes it clear that it is not her intent to give readers a hall pass to go about spewing unfiltered, mean-spirited opinion at people in the form of "being real". Yes, the goal is to be truthful without fear, but it's best if one also implements some tact in the moment!
I hope you're ready, students, because Miller is firing on all cylinders right from the intro! Each chapter ends on relevant scripture to ponder on, as well as a list of "Digging Deeper" questions for reflection until you're ready to delve into the next chapter, some of my favorites (taken from different chapters) being:
* Who in your life is best able to see your blind spots?
* How does inauthenticity in social media affect you?
* Do you think we ever outgrow the pressure / attraction of "the inner ring"?
So, step one, how do we identify false niceness or false faith, either in ourselves or others? Motivation for the behavior seems to be a key identifier in why we might USE it, while comfort is why we RESPOND to it, why we are so quick to forgive various forms of bad behavior or unpleasantness in the presence of "nice". Think of it in terms of criminals, serial killers, con artists, celebrities caught committing crimes... how often do we hear witnesses say something to the effect of "I never suspected... they seemed so NICE." Miller specifically brings up the case of Dr. Larry Nassar, who in 2016 was accused of sexual abuse by 156 women, many being female Olympic gymnasts who were assured by their coaches that this guy was a trustworthy physician.
Once identified, it's onto step two, breaking the habit of fake nice / false faith. How do we go about doing that? One of the biggie skills Miller suggests tapping into or developing is the power of discernment, broken down into three steps:
1) Look at a person's character: "Humility. Discretion. Gentleness. Healing. These are the marks of wisdom and righteousness displayed consistently, sacrificially, and over a long period of time. Destruction. Anger. Recklessness. Pride. An inability to listen, to be taught, or to admit wrongdoing. These are the markers of wickedness and foolishness, but niceness can dress them up attractively. Niceness can cloak these warning signals in charisma, flattery, affinity, and false intimacy. Niceness can even hide these traits behind an image of lowliness and humility, and it can do so very convincingly. But it can't do it for long. Eventually its true colors will shine through, and we have to be willing to acknowledge when it does.
2) Confession of Bias: "We are partial to our friends, but we are especially biased when it comes to those who have supported us through good times and bad. In deeply rooted relationships, we are prone to overlook warning signs and extend the benefit of a doubt because "we know them."
3) Be quick to LISTEN: "We will find ourselves unable to discern between niceness and true character without the help of a wide and diverse community of people, some of whom we disagree with passionately."
From there, Miller gets into the dangers of not fighting against false niceness, one result being falling into "safe, nice, comfortable courage", where a person puts forth an outward front of boldness in spirit, when really they are merely aligning themselves with people or ideas that already echo familiar or preferred beliefs / values. If you cast your vote with those already in your favor, continue to avoid difficult topics, basically take the easy route through all this...Miller urges you to find the courage within yourself to step away from the comfortable, the self-serving, self-protecting. Be willing to make people uncomfortable if it means airing a truth that needs to be said (ie. do you have a friend or family member frequently making destructive choices in their life?). Otherwise, she warns, you're "ceding territory to the enemy", using the biblical story of Micah as reference. Micah was prohibited from preaching because his hard truths made people uncomfortable.
Translating that into today's world, think of people trying to discuss "hot button" issues --- race, religion, immigration, etc --- how many conversations do we go out of our way to avoid because we fear the blowback from sharing our true stance on the matter? In all likelihood, you will catch heat, but if it's important to you to share your truth, do so. But again, with tact. Don't veer into unnecessary name-calling or FB rants the length of college entrance essays.
Miller also speaks on the idea of "sentimental faith", equating it to processed food or "healthy options" at fast food restaurants (maybe looks like the more nutritious choice on the outside, but really secretly packed with sugar or other additives). Sentimental faith likewise looks good on the outside, makes you feel cozy on the inside, but ultimately has very little long term substance to it.
So in the end, Miller asks of her readers to move towards a place of learning to see yourself honestly, stepping away from the pull of having your actions be motivated by the desire to be liked or included, instead focusing on the truth of you. Just your inner you. Embrace the freedom that comes from fully accepting and acknowledging your strong points and your flaws, your abilities and inabilities, your TRUTH... and use that for bettering the world around you rather than self-serving needs or desires.
Reading partway through this book, the idea came to me that I might be an outward cynic, but an internal optimist... at least on some level. Getting a little further in in my reading and sure enough, Miller touches upon this very idea, saying that such people "earnestly want to see the world be a better place, but somewhere along the way we were disappointed, let down, shocked by the magnitude of the world's brokenness." Yes! That, exactly! Perfectly put! It finally makes sense of a sensation I've been struggling with for some time!
Note: One portion of this book contains spoilers for Les Miserables by Victor Hugo.
FTC Disclaimer: Baker Books kindly provided me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. The opinions above are entirely my own.
September 5, 2019
Upon reading NICE: Why We Love to Be Liked and How God Calls Us to More, I kept thinking…this book would be more effective as an audiobook. For me, there just isn’t enough white space in this printed version and reading page after page makes me eye weary. Perhaps if there were page embellishments here and there, illustrations or drawings, more bullet points, something to break up the text… I’m not sure if others feel the same, but I need breaks from lines and lines of text (in a non-fiction book.)
One of the most powerful statements in this book was in the introduction and is what inspired the author to write the book in the first place: God did not call you to be nice. That’s a pretty bold statement, but the truth of it becomes evident. Sometimes being nice puts the focus on ourselves. The truth explained in this book can propel you forward into a stronger faith, inner joy, and a life of kindness.
Overall: I feel this is a unique, spiritual, self-help kind of book that makes you see being nice in a different light. Although I appreciate the substance, I wish it was presented in a more eye-pleasing and easy-to-read way, with additional white space, illustrations, and more concise chapters.
Author: Sharon Hodde Miller
Publisher: Baker Books
Pages: 224
First Line: Every year at the end of November, my husband, Ike, and I load the kids in the car and drive to the nearest Christmas tree lot.
Source: I received a complimentary copy from the publisher. I was under no obligation to post a positive review.
One of the most powerful statements in this book was in the introduction and is what inspired the author to write the book in the first place: God did not call you to be nice. That’s a pretty bold statement, but the truth of it becomes evident. Sometimes being nice puts the focus on ourselves. The truth explained in this book can propel you forward into a stronger faith, inner joy, and a life of kindness.
Overall: I feel this is a unique, spiritual, self-help kind of book that makes you see being nice in a different light. Although I appreciate the substance, I wish it was presented in a more eye-pleasing and easy-to-read way, with additional white space, illustrations, and more concise chapters.
Author: Sharon Hodde Miller
Publisher: Baker Books
Pages: 224
First Line: Every year at the end of November, my husband, Ike, and I load the kids in the car and drive to the nearest Christmas tree lot.
Source: I received a complimentary copy from the publisher. I was under no obligation to post a positive review.
September 23, 2019
This book is a must read for all Christians as it takes on a whole new look at what it means to follow Jesus and be faithful to him. I was shocked when she wrote, "Jesus was not nice," and needed to understand her position on this. The author writes in a conversational tone, as if speaking directly to her readers. She uses current examples as well as historical examples of real people, events, even movies to help readers understand her points better in each chapter. She also ties scripture in, so readers can refer to their Bibles for a better understanding of how God's Word applies to them. Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book:
p.72 "I cannot imagine a better trick of the devil than to reframe biblical truth as 'private' or 'hot button' issue."
p.73 "Perhaps you have a friend who is making destructive personal decisions, so you are forced to choose between speaking truth or keeping the relationship."
p.78 "What made his love his love was his sacrifice....That we are willing to lay down our safety, security, privilege, and comfort so that others would encounter the love of God."
p. 117 "Sentimental faith is handing out Twinkies while the world is starving for a home-cooked meal."
p.177 "Of course this does not give us free reign to say whatever we want....Jesus offended people, but his ultimate desire was to save them."
p.72 "I cannot imagine a better trick of the devil than to reframe biblical truth as 'private' or 'hot button' issue."
p.73 "Perhaps you have a friend who is making destructive personal decisions, so you are forced to choose between speaking truth or keeping the relationship."
p.78 "What made his love his love was his sacrifice....That we are willing to lay down our safety, security, privilege, and comfort so that others would encounter the love of God."
p. 117 "Sentimental faith is handing out Twinkies while the world is starving for a home-cooked meal."
p.177 "Of course this does not give us free reign to say whatever we want....Jesus offended people, but his ultimate desire was to save them."
October 16, 2019
Sharon Hodde Miller reminds her readers that the fruits of niceness can often be unhealthy and rotten. God calls us to a faith that steps out into the world of justice and pushing against the status quo. It is a faith that is uncomfortable and deep. This can make those around us feel uneasy but by sugarcoating injustices with the excuse of keeping the peace or being polite, we are failing the call of the message of good news.
I appreciate that Miller doesn’t call for unkind confrontation but rather thoughtful subversion and intentional pushback. She warns that niceness can lean to bigger divides than we realize while sacrificing the very character of Jesus.
This book came at the right time for me. It was a reminder to stand firm, not only in my boundaries with others but also in what I’ve learned about my faith itself. How do I engage in thoughtful conversation without ignoring my own convictions?
If you’ve ever been caught in an uncomfortable place because you tried to be too nice, this book is an encouraging reminder that we can be in community while also standing true to our beliefs.
I appreciate that Miller doesn’t call for unkind confrontation but rather thoughtful subversion and intentional pushback. She warns that niceness can lean to bigger divides than we realize while sacrificing the very character of Jesus.
This book came at the right time for me. It was a reminder to stand firm, not only in my boundaries with others but also in what I’ve learned about my faith itself. How do I engage in thoughtful conversation without ignoring my own convictions?
If you’ve ever been caught in an uncomfortable place because you tried to be too nice, this book is an encouraging reminder that we can be in community while also standing true to our beliefs.
October 14, 2019
Overlapping with other conversations and sermons about my fear of man, I haven’t felt this rocked after reading a book in quite some time. With a well-crafted structure of roots and fruits, Hodde Miller deconstructs the emptiness of niceness (with its love of reputation and motivator of fear) and points us with biblical practicality to be courageous, kind, and honest disciples
March 4, 2022
Helpful. Convicting. Inspiring. Most insightful book I’ve read so far this year.
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