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The Not Good Enough Mother
A psychologist who evaluates the fitness of parents when their children have been removed from their custody finds herself reassessing her own mothering when her son falls victim to the opioid crisis.
Psychologist and expert witness Dr. Sharon Lamb evaluates parents, particularly in high-stakes cases concerning the termination of parental rights. The conclusions she reaches can mean that some children are returned home from foster homes. Others are freed for adoption. Well-trained, Lamb generally can decide what’s in the best interests of the child. But when her son’s struggle with opioid addiction comes to light, she starts to doubt her right to make judgments about other mothers.
As an expert, a professor, and a mother, Lamb gives voice to the near impossible standards demanded by a society prone to blame mothers when anything befalls their children. She describes vividly the plight of individual parents, mothers in particular, struggling with addiction and mental illness and trying to make stable homes for their kids amid the economic and emotional turmoil of their lives—all in the context of the opioid epidemic that has ravaged her home state of Vermont. In her office, during visits with their children, and in the family court, the parents we meet wait anxiously for Lamb’s Have they turned their lives around under child welfare’s watchful eye? Do they understand their children’s needs? In short, are they good enough? But what is good enough? Lamb turns that question on herself in the midst of her gradual realization of her son’s opioid addiction. Amazed at her own denial, feeling powerless to help him, Lamb confronts the heartache she can bring into the lives of others and her power to tear families apart.
Psychologist and expert witness Dr. Sharon Lamb evaluates parents, particularly in high-stakes cases concerning the termination of parental rights. The conclusions she reaches can mean that some children are returned home from foster homes. Others are freed for adoption. Well-trained, Lamb generally can decide what’s in the best interests of the child. But when her son’s struggle with opioid addiction comes to light, she starts to doubt her right to make judgments about other mothers.
As an expert, a professor, and a mother, Lamb gives voice to the near impossible standards demanded by a society prone to blame mothers when anything befalls their children. She describes vividly the plight of individual parents, mothers in particular, struggling with addiction and mental illness and trying to make stable homes for their kids amid the economic and emotional turmoil of their lives—all in the context of the opioid epidemic that has ravaged her home state of Vermont. In her office, during visits with their children, and in the family court, the parents we meet wait anxiously for Lamb’s Have they turned their lives around under child welfare’s watchful eye? Do they understand their children’s needs? In short, are they good enough? But what is good enough? Lamb turns that question on herself in the midst of her gradual realization of her son’s opioid addiction. Amazed at her own denial, feeling powerless to help him, Lamb confronts the heartache she can bring into the lives of others and her power to tear families apart.
200 pages, Hardcover
First published June 25, 2019
23 people are currently reading
2188 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 36 reviews
June 30, 2019
Wow. This was an incredibly powerful and thoughtful book. I was interested in the topic after watching The Florida Project and trying to think about what would have been best for the family in that movie. This book is a wonderful examination of what it means to be a mother/parent, and of what society expects of mothers, as well. I really loved it, though it was definitely rough going at times.
June 23, 2019
The Not Good Enough Mother by Sharon Lamb is a personal, highly recommended account pf a psychologist who evaluates the fitness of parents.
Psychologist and expert witness Dr. Sharon Lamb observes children and evaluates parents after the children have been removed from their custody. She observes and takes notes, assessing the fitness of parents in order to determine what is in the best interest of the child. Her evaluations will either recommend that the child be returned to their parent or that parental rights should be terminated, opening the children up for adoption. It is a decision that is not always clear.
As many of these parents struggle with addiction, Dr. Lamb's own son struggles with an opioid addiction, which makes evaluating other parents even more challenging on a personal level. Since mother's are often the ones being evaluated to determine if they are "good enough mothers," Dr. Lamb turns the question on herself, is she a "good enough mother?" She knows the daily struggle of an addict to remain clean. She knows the relapses, the lies, and the statistics as she tries to remain compassionate to those she is evaluating, while at the same time keeping above all else the best interest of the child. And, as a mother, she knows that mothers always look for blame in themselves when their children make bad life choices.
Individual situations and cases are discussed with an informative eye for detail and information about what she looks for and observes during various home visits and meetings. The result is a narrative that is both informative and heart-breakingly personal. As a professional, she needs to have boundaries and keep a sense of detachment while she also has a plethora of first hand personal experience with an addict. In concise language and succinct case/visit summaries, she provides details and information in a controlled, neutral manner, keeping her emotions in check, while informing readers what she does and of what she takes note. Her professional neutrality is almost at odds with her personal experiences, providing the reader with the sense of a dichotomy she experiences between her professional life and personal experiences.
Disclosure: My review copy was courtesy of Penguin Random House
http://www.shetreadssoftly.com/2019/0...
Psychologist and expert witness Dr. Sharon Lamb observes children and evaluates parents after the children have been removed from their custody. She observes and takes notes, assessing the fitness of parents in order to determine what is in the best interest of the child. Her evaluations will either recommend that the child be returned to their parent or that parental rights should be terminated, opening the children up for adoption. It is a decision that is not always clear.
As many of these parents struggle with addiction, Dr. Lamb's own son struggles with an opioid addiction, which makes evaluating other parents even more challenging on a personal level. Since mother's are often the ones being evaluated to determine if they are "good enough mothers," Dr. Lamb turns the question on herself, is she a "good enough mother?" She knows the daily struggle of an addict to remain clean. She knows the relapses, the lies, and the statistics as she tries to remain compassionate to those she is evaluating, while at the same time keeping above all else the best interest of the child. And, as a mother, she knows that mothers always look for blame in themselves when their children make bad life choices.
Individual situations and cases are discussed with an informative eye for detail and information about what she looks for and observes during various home visits and meetings. The result is a narrative that is both informative and heart-breakingly personal. As a professional, she needs to have boundaries and keep a sense of detachment while she also has a plethora of first hand personal experience with an addict. In concise language and succinct case/visit summaries, she provides details and information in a controlled, neutral manner, keeping her emotions in check, while informing readers what she does and of what she takes note. Her professional neutrality is almost at odds with her personal experiences, providing the reader with the sense of a dichotomy she experiences between her professional life and personal experiences.
Disclosure: My review copy was courtesy of Penguin Random House
http://www.shetreadssoftly.com/2019/0...
October 2, 2020
Told through little vignettes of foster kids she has evaluated, The Not Good Enough Mother is a memoir considering whether the author, someone paid to decide if other mothers (and fathers) were good enough, was good enough herself. She thought she was until her son became a drug addict. Throughout the book, she questions how she raised him and how their life went and what, if anything, separates her from what she calls good enough mothers and mothers who have had their kids removed by CPS. While it is very repetitive at times, the writing is really good and the questions posed are good for anyone who wonders if they are a good enough mother.
August 17, 2024
Over the last few years I’ve read at least two dozen books dealing with the question of who can/should rear the child resulting from a woman’s pregnancy. They have been written from virtually every imaginable perspective, but agree in concluding that the current answer is terribly harmful to somebody (the identity of the victim varies with both writer and perspective). Many suggest a solution involving a huge change in society’s attitude toward money or sex or race or self-determination or something else as plausible as giving everyone his/her own Lamborghini. Or unicorn.
In The Not Good Enough Mother, Sharon Lamb, a psychologist whose interviews/observations shape the state of Vermont’s decisions of whether a birth parent can resume custody of a child who has been in foster care for a fixed period (usually 14 months), does not mince words. She states that it is “not our job to rectify a mistake or bias of the system but to say what is best for these children at this moment in their lives” while also noting that “the court doesn’t care how much [the child] must suffer as long as there’s a good chance she will someday bounce back from the trauma of being sent back to her mother, if her mother is well enough” and asks “[b]ut suffer for what and for whom? Who’s to say it is in the best interests of a child to be with her birth parent?” The writer’s informed opinion is extremely bleak. The child does not come to the state’s attention until well after some parental failure has become serious. As Lamb says, “Sometimes I think these parents have ruined their children for life, that there is no getting out of this for the child …. There is no restarting. No matter who the next parent is, foster or adoptive, nor how much love he or she has to give, the child is ruined.”
The Not Good Enough Mother is not a “happily ever after” book. But it is a realistic one, which is why I recommend it unreservedly to anyone who is interested in the questions of what we, as a society, owe to children who are somehow short-changed at birth, and what coin we must pay it in.
In The Not Good Enough Mother, Sharon Lamb, a psychologist whose interviews/observations shape the state of Vermont’s decisions of whether a birth parent can resume custody of a child who has been in foster care for a fixed period (usually 14 months), does not mince words. She states that it is “not our job to rectify a mistake or bias of the system but to say what is best for these children at this moment in their lives” while also noting that “the court doesn’t care how much [the child] must suffer as long as there’s a good chance she will someday bounce back from the trauma of being sent back to her mother, if her mother is well enough” and asks “[b]ut suffer for what and for whom? Who’s to say it is in the best interests of a child to be with her birth parent?” The writer’s informed opinion is extremely bleak. The child does not come to the state’s attention until well after some parental failure has become serious. As Lamb says, “Sometimes I think these parents have ruined their children for life, that there is no getting out of this for the child …. There is no restarting. No matter who the next parent is, foster or adoptive, nor how much love he or she has to give, the child is ruined.”
The Not Good Enough Mother is not a “happily ever after” book. But it is a realistic one, which is why I recommend it unreservedly to anyone who is interested in the questions of what we, as a society, owe to children who are somehow short-changed at birth, and what coin we must pay it in.
August 1, 2019
I picked this book up initially for the voyeur element -- how bad of a parent do you have to be in order to get your kids taken away? I was not expecting a lyrical, introspective memoir of a professional career and mothering, with Sharon Lamb's emotion, doubt, and hope raw and exposed on each page. She wrestles with the gravity of her work: is she an adequate judge of "good enough", in spite of the paths her own children took?
It's clear that she has thought about these issues for years, and about the layers of experience and influences that color her own life, as well as those of the people she's hired to evaluate. What struck me was how candid she was about her own experiences and emotions. You get the sense she was not holding back while she wrote.
This book resonated with me for a number of reasons. I identified with Sharon's experience as a person raised in a working class environment who had to adjust to the upper/middle class professional world. I empathized with her as she talked about her son's addiction and her guilt about whose fault it was. In her insecurity I could see and understand my own parents, who are dealing with their oldest son and his felony. Those are among the reasons I found myself spellbound by this book, but it really was her writing that drew me in.
It's clear that she has thought about these issues for years, and about the layers of experience and influences that color her own life, as well as those of the people she's hired to evaluate. What struck me was how candid she was about her own experiences and emotions. You get the sense she was not holding back while she wrote.
This book resonated with me for a number of reasons. I identified with Sharon's experience as a person raised in a working class environment who had to adjust to the upper/middle class professional world. I empathized with her as she talked about her son's addiction and her guilt about whose fault it was. In her insecurity I could see and understand my own parents, who are dealing with their oldest son and his felony. Those are among the reasons I found myself spellbound by this book, but it really was her writing that drew me in.
May 15, 2019
This was a pretty heavy read honestly but it was also incredibly informative. I kind of felt like I was reading one of my professor’s books that they’ve assigned as our textbook for the semester. I mean this in a very positive way. I love how she painted the raw picture of her life and her work life. As a psychology student myself, this read was interesting and right up my alley. If you want a deeper look into the sociology/psychology field then I’d recommend this.
As she spoke about Willy, it reminded me of A Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. It also reminded me of the book A Child called It. It reminded me of a lot of books I’ve read honestly but there’s something different about it. It does speak about different parenting skills and feelings that parents have but I’m not a parent so I kind of don’t have a comment; just informative. I’m going to marinate on this novel and see how I feel about it two days from now.
As she spoke about Willy, it reminded me of A Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. It also reminded me of the book A Child called It. It reminded me of a lot of books I’ve read honestly but there’s something different about it. It does speak about different parenting skills and feelings that parents have but I’m not a parent so I kind of don’t have a comment; just informative. I’m going to marinate on this novel and see how I feel about it two days from now.
June 29, 2019
A heart wrenching yet beautiful memoir about motherhood, attachment and addiction. It gives an inside glimpse into the child welfare system, and the impossible task of navigating competing interests and predicting outcome . Interesting book!
July 29, 2019
Every parent wants the best possible for their child. They want to make sure that they grow up well, stay out of trouble, get great grades and have a better life then they had. Not only did Sharon Lamb want that for her child, but her job is one in which she consistently analyzes whether parents who’ve had their children taken away for one reason or another want this for their children. And as she has experienced throughout her career, parents are so very often battling addictions or conditions, sometimes through no fault of their own, that challenge their ability to provide what their children really need. And as so often happens, what you think only happens to other people, can turn out to lurk closer to home than you realize. For while Sharon thought she had done everything right, what with her training as a psychologist teaching her all about warning signs of addiction, addiction still found a way to worm in to her own son.
Suddenly the judge becomes the judged.
From this premise, Dr. Sharon Lamb takes a deep dive into a world of mental illness, addiction, the adoption system, and what it means to get and stay clean. Through a number of her own personal case studies and experiences, she is able to put a very personal and interesting spin on childhood and parenthood alike. Much of what we preach when it comes to what makes the “perfect” parent not only comes under scrutiny, but Dr. Lamb examines how these expectations are driving many families to an environment that proves to be detrimental and in many cases, pushes families to an edge that many fall off of into the abyss. What really gives emotional and additional depth to her in-the-moment type of reporting of the situation in Vermont is when she talks of her own son who falls victim to an opioid addiction that makes her question whether she can truly judge the fitness of other parents. This is ultimately a powerfully built memoir that gives renewed meaning to the idea that darkness can happen to anyone, no matter how much you try or how much you do to prevent it.
(I received a review copy of this book through a Librarything giveaway, but this did not in any way influence my review of the memoir.)
Suddenly the judge becomes the judged.
From this premise, Dr. Sharon Lamb takes a deep dive into a world of mental illness, addiction, the adoption system, and what it means to get and stay clean. Through a number of her own personal case studies and experiences, she is able to put a very personal and interesting spin on childhood and parenthood alike. Much of what we preach when it comes to what makes the “perfect” parent not only comes under scrutiny, but Dr. Lamb examines how these expectations are driving many families to an environment that proves to be detrimental and in many cases, pushes families to an edge that many fall off of into the abyss. What really gives emotional and additional depth to her in-the-moment type of reporting of the situation in Vermont is when she talks of her own son who falls victim to an opioid addiction that makes her question whether she can truly judge the fitness of other parents. This is ultimately a powerfully built memoir that gives renewed meaning to the idea that darkness can happen to anyone, no matter how much you try or how much you do to prevent it.
(I received a review copy of this book through a Librarything giveaway, but this did not in any way influence my review of the memoir.)
August 13, 2019
The Not Good Enough Mother by Sharon Lamb was not really what I hoped it would be. I won a copy of this book in a goodreads giveaway, and it sounded like it would offer an insiders view of what it was like to work as someone who could recommend parents be reunited or permanently separated from their children.
What this book actually was as a rambling assessment of other parents and children, and the authors own issues and regrets and guilt with her own children. She had two sons who ended up addicted to drugs, and often her stories about other parents lead her to some rumination of only one of her son's addiction and rehab process.
What I wanted in this book was stories about the woman's work, and less about her life. Also, she continued to state that people either were or weren't "good enough." I get that this was part of the title, and I get that she needed to make sure that people understood her branding, but it got tiresome. At the end I wasn't quite sure what I had read, and I wasn't quite sure I had enjoyed it. I, personally, felt muddled, like I was being judged by someone who only knew me from tests she felt were relevant. In fact, proving how muddled this book was, there was an entire section on the Rorschach test and how it came into existence, then the author stated that she couldn't say any of the secrets about how they were read because she would be giving away secrets. I rolled my eyes at that. Her attempts at humor fell flat.
So, while I was excited to read this book, I felt it glossed over the things that should have been important, and it left me wondering why she had inserted herself into it so deeply. I can't say I recommend this, even with the several good reviews that is had. For me it was a little too shallow.
What this book actually was as a rambling assessment of other parents and children, and the authors own issues and regrets and guilt with her own children. She had two sons who ended up addicted to drugs, and often her stories about other parents lead her to some rumination of only one of her son's addiction and rehab process.
What I wanted in this book was stories about the woman's work, and less about her life. Also, she continued to state that people either were or weren't "good enough." I get that this was part of the title, and I get that she needed to make sure that people understood her branding, but it got tiresome. At the end I wasn't quite sure what I had read, and I wasn't quite sure I had enjoyed it. I, personally, felt muddled, like I was being judged by someone who only knew me from tests she felt were relevant. In fact, proving how muddled this book was, there was an entire section on the Rorschach test and how it came into existence, then the author stated that she couldn't say any of the secrets about how they were read because she would be giving away secrets. I rolled my eyes at that. Her attempts at humor fell flat.
So, while I was excited to read this book, I felt it glossed over the things that should have been important, and it left me wondering why she had inserted herself into it so deeply. I can't say I recommend this, even with the several good reviews that is had. For me it was a little too shallow.
August 6, 2019
@drsharonlamb wrote an incredibly raw and brave account of both her personal and professional life - and how they entangle with each other. As a psychologist evaluating whether children should be reunified with their birth parents or continued to stay with loving foster families, she questions the readiness of the imperfect birth mother, the inadequacies of the system to consider the complexities of human nature, and even the soundness of her evaluations. She asks so many questions in quick succession that I feel my mind whirling. That’s why I applaud how she strives to stay sane and empathetic in the chaos of it all.
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Just offering a no-holds-barred account of her work would have been enough food for thought. But she takes it a notch further by detailing how her elder son was addicted to opioids. Where was she not good enough? Her pain crept into her already existing uncertainty in regards to her job - which lent nuances and layers and texture to her story.
.
And what a heartfelt story this is. I felt like I have picked up a lot of insights on attachment, counter transference and the courage not to hide one’s skeletons in the closet. 🙌
.
Just offering a no-holds-barred account of her work would have been enough food for thought. But she takes it a notch further by detailing how her elder son was addicted to opioids. Where was she not good enough? Her pain crept into her already existing uncertainty in regards to her job - which lent nuances and layers and texture to her story.
.
And what a heartfelt story this is. I felt like I have picked up a lot of insights on attachment, counter transference and the courage not to hide one’s skeletons in the closet. 🙌
December 2, 2019
Half memoir and half nonfiction about the role of psychiatrists in the foster care system in the state of Vermont, the Not Good Enough Mother is an interesting, if at times dark and heartbreaking, look at what happens when children's parents fail them. For a book that was somewhat short, this one took me quite a while to get through-- the dark subject matter is at times difficult to read, and the author's own sad story of dealing with her son's drug addiction was a double whammy in terms of depressing material. The addendum at the end about her family was also gut-wrenching. That said, Lamb details why some children are allowed reunification or visitation with their families while others are released to the state, what value a Roscharch test actuall has, what sorts of language used in case study reports can help or hurt a case, and how generational trauma, poverty and even just chance can rip apart or bind together families. I can't say I liked or enjoyed this book, but I did learn quite a lot, and the writing was good, if a bit disorganized. 3 stars- recommended for social workers, and people interested in child social services or drug addiction's affects on families.
July 18, 2019
An interesting book about what is involved when courts have to make decisions involving the placement of children: keep them with their biological parents or send them to a foster home. Sharon Lamb is a college professor who also does psychological evaluations of children and the adults who should or shouldn't care for them. It's a hard job with many potential pitfalls. Making the wrong decision might break a good parent's heart or might put a young child in terrible danger.
Complicating things is Lamb's own experience with motherhood -- her eldest son is an addict, just like many of the parents in the broken families she deals with. Lamb examines her own behavior wondering where she went wrong and trying to determine how much of the guilt lies with her.
I thought this book was excellent (although depressing), for it's unflinching examination of the Department of Children and Families and what they deal with every day. People who are triggered by case studies involving child abuse, rape or pedophilia should probably avoid it.
Complicating things is Lamb's own experience with motherhood -- her eldest son is an addict, just like many of the parents in the broken families she deals with. Lamb examines her own behavior wondering where she went wrong and trying to determine how much of the guilt lies with her.
I thought this book was excellent (although depressing), for it's unflinching examination of the Department of Children and Families and what they deal with every day. People who are triggered by case studies involving child abuse, rape or pedophilia should probably avoid it.
August 6, 2019
When I saw this book sitting on the shelf at the library, I was drawn to the author's name. Flipping to the back, I quickly realized that it was familiar because she taught in the program through which I earned my Masters in Family Therapy. Unfortunately, I never had her as a professor but after reading The Not Good Enough Mother, I wish I had. This book blew past my expectations. Lamb weaves in her years of experience as an expert witness with her personal experience as a mother to a son who struggled with drug addiction. She examines and questions her own mothering with brutal vulnerability, while also comparing and contrasting with the families she comes across in her work. The book is professionally informative, in that I learned a lot about what it means to be an expert witness, but it also provided an intimate look into Lamb's experience of loving and caring for a child with addiction in the picture. I appreciated how candid she was on both topics, as well as the many others brought up and woven into the narrative.
August 6, 2019
This is an amazing and heart wrenching book to read. It’s an important topic that really doesn’t get enough focus or discussion, how much are parents, mothers in particularly to blame for what their children do? No-one wants to be responsible for sending or keeping a child in a place where they are going to be harmed. Yet, that decision is one that is difficult to make and is becoming more and more difficult as drug usage becomes more widespread. The author has written a book that makes a person stop and really think about the entire process of Vermont child protective services. She has been an expert witness in many cases and then she has reality hit her in the face when she realizes that her own son is addicted to drugs. There is nothing more than facing a situation yourself to bring the problem and the issues into focus. The author is brutally honest when it comes to her work and her life, her own parenting skills. There is no perfect mother, we can only do our best and hope and pray it’s good enough.
August 16, 2019
This is tough. I appreciated this fly-on-the-wall glimpse into the professional life of psychologist and expert witness, Sharon Lamb. Her case profiles illustrating why some families should stay together while others separate are eye-opening. But this book is also about the author’s pain (and guilt) as a mother grappling with her own son’s addictions. What did she do? What didn’t she do? Lamb is honest and insightful, and any good-enough mother will relate. But sometimes I found her voice punitive and sanctimonious, especially when exposing “Brian” from the Texas rehab, and the one judge with a tacky necklace who went against her professional recommendations in court. But overall this is a good read. And I hope Willy stays clean. ❤️
September 30, 2019
I received this book from a giveaway on Goodreads. (Thank you!)
My feelings about this book fluctuated. It's a look inside what goes into the recommendations to remove or leave children in questionable circumstances. This is a responsibility I cannot imagine accepting, and I admire her ability to deal with some of the subjects. I would have serious difficulty sitting in the same room as some of the subjects without losing my temper. I appreciate the author's honesty, her doubt at times that she is in any position to judge given her family's circumstances and her worry that she might make the wrong recommendation. This is definitely not one of those "Listen to me, I know all the answers" types of book.
My feelings about this book fluctuated. It's a look inside what goes into the recommendations to remove or leave children in questionable circumstances. This is a responsibility I cannot imagine accepting, and I admire her ability to deal with some of the subjects. I would have serious difficulty sitting in the same room as some of the subjects without losing my temper. I appreciate the author's honesty, her doubt at times that she is in any position to judge given her family's circumstances and her worry that she might make the wrong recommendation. This is definitely not one of those "Listen to me, I know all the answers" types of book.
May 10, 2020
This book is about how difficult it is to evaluate a “good enough” mother; even the author feels inadequate against that standard. The writing is nuanced and incredibly self aware at times, and so captivating that I read it in one sitting. I loved learning about attachment theory and walking through her case studies.
But, the few times she does address fatherhood, I found her perspective baffling. “If we got rid of every father who ever hit his wife, who ever said the wrong thing, whoever kicked or demeaned a child, we’d rid the world of a lot of fathers.” She qualifies this statement, sure. But it’s not enough to say that society holds fathers to lower standards and then go on to perpetuate that bias yourself.
But, the few times she does address fatherhood, I found her perspective baffling. “If we got rid of every father who ever hit his wife, who ever said the wrong thing, whoever kicked or demeaned a child, we’d rid the world of a lot of fathers.” She qualifies this statement, sure. But it’s not enough to say that society holds fathers to lower standards and then go on to perpetuate that bias yourself.
August 12, 2019
I won this in a goodreads giveaway and--WOW. This is very well written, honest, detailed, and insightful. It was incredibly hard to read at times, and sometimes I had to put it down to go for a walk because of how her stories hit me, but I think I'm a better person for it. This book inspires so much sympathy and empathy for addicts, and it was wonderful to see such compassionate understanding from someone who can have such a big impact on so many lives. If they had known where they and their children would end up when they were offered that first hit, they never would've taken it, and Sharon Lamb knows that.
September 27, 2019
Lamb is a psychologist who has years of experience in the court systems evaluating whether or not children in foster care should be reunited with their biological parents, many of whom are drug addicts or recovering. But she also is the mother of a son who fell into drug addiction, so she has a unique perspective. This is a wonderful, beautifully written, heartfelt book takes a courageously honest look at parenting: the challenges, the failures, the hopes, and those things kids do that parents have no control over as much as they love their kids. There is no such thing as the perfect parent, the perfect mother, and this compelling book reminds readers that they can only do their best.
March 10, 2019
This book is fascinating and really good. The only reason I am giving four stars instead of five is because there are some parts that leave me wanting a more explanation. However, I am reading an advanced readers copy (ARC) and so some of this may have been changed. Anyway, I recommend this book to anyone interested in motherhood, addiction, attachment theory, relationships, and memoir. It’s compelling the way this author weaves her own professional and personal journeys together. A truly unique light on the subject of mothering.
December 25, 2019
An interesting wrestling by someone who evaluates (for the court) what is in the best interest of a child in terms of parental rights being terminated or family reunification being pursued. She asks the right interpersonal questions (if doesn't have as explicit a power analysis as I would have liked to see) and remains humble about her conclusions in the specific instances she reviews. One of the questions she repeatedly asks is how her parenting would stack up if being similarly reviewed.
March 23, 2020
I thought this was compelling and powerful. Sometimes with darker subjects I have to force myself to pick the book up again, but this one fell into the category of hard to put down. My first job out of college was doing home visits to children involved with the community mental health center in rural New Hampshire, so this book piqued my interest both geograhically and topically. It moved me to tears and I'm very glad I read it.
September 9, 2019
Fascinating insight into the decision making process regarding returning a child to the birth parent contrasted against her personal story and dealing with an addicted child. Interesting and true how world will forgive a Dad's act of commission but not a Mom's act of ommision (failing to protect a child.)
January 5, 2021
What a profound book. I am not a mother but have had many “othermothers” like the author described. I found the information on attachment with our mothers particularly valuable. Lamb's writing was captivating and kept me reading, allowing me to finish the bulk of the book in just one sitting. The pages on trauma were particularly heart wrenching.
February 20, 2021
An absorbing account of a psychologist who evaluates parental fitness while searching her own soul to forgive herself for her own failures as a mother of a son with a drug addiction. It is uncomfortable for Lamb to sit in judgment even as she shows how good she is at it, she helps reader learn through her observations and attention to a child’s needs. I loved this memoir so much!
June 27, 2024
So powerful that I read it in one day. It was highly recommended to me by my grandmother, who adopted me. As someone about to become a parent to two young boys, it validated so many of my fears and opened my empathy to new perspectives. We will never be perfect, and now I find a bittersweet beauty in that.
July 8, 2019
I won this book on Goodreads. It was an interesting account of this author's struggle with her own sons addictions and her work with people who had their children taken away due to drugs/ETOH. A very sad look at our society.
June 15, 2022
Really lovely book. Could see some people not liking it as it is meandering and doesn't actually make any solid argument - just explores complexity. The 2018 epilogue is also touching and amazing, and I hope Lamb writes that book as well.
March 11, 2019
Beautiful, poignant book, sparingly written.
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July 28, 2019DNF. I did not like the writing style.
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