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Are We Done Fighting?: Building Understanding in a World of Hate and Division
Powerful tools for spreading peace in your community
Unfounded beliefs and hateful political and social divisions that can cascade into violence are threatening to pull the world apart. Responding to fear and aggression strategically and with compassion is vital if we are to push back against the politics of hate and live in greater safety and harmony.
But how to do it?
Are We Done Fighting? is brimming with the latest research, practical activities, and inspirational stories of success for cultivating inner change and spreading peace at the community level and beyond. Coverage includes:
An explanation of the different styles of conflict
Cognitive biases that help explain polarized and lose-lose positions
Practical methods and activities for changing our own and others' minds
When punishment works and doesn't, and how to encourage discipline in children without using violence
The skill of self-compassion and ways to reduce prejudice in ourselves and others
Incredible programs that are rebuilding trust between people after genocide.
Packed with inspiration and cutting-edge findings from fields including neuroscience, social psychology, and behavioural economics, Are We Done Fighting? is an essential toolkit for activists, community and peace groups, and students and instructors working to build dialogue, understanding, and peace as the antidote to the politics of hate and division.
Unfounded beliefs and hateful political and social divisions that can cascade into violence are threatening to pull the world apart. Responding to fear and aggression strategically and with compassion is vital if we are to push back against the politics of hate and live in greater safety and harmony.
But how to do it?
Are We Done Fighting? is brimming with the latest research, practical activities, and inspirational stories of success for cultivating inner change and spreading peace at the community level and beyond. Coverage includes:
An explanation of the different styles of conflict
Cognitive biases that help explain polarized and lose-lose positions
Practical methods and activities for changing our own and others' minds
When punishment works and doesn't, and how to encourage discipline in children without using violence
The skill of self-compassion and ways to reduce prejudice in ourselves and others
Incredible programs that are rebuilding trust between people after genocide.
Packed with inspiration and cutting-edge findings from fields including neuroscience, social psychology, and behavioural economics, Are We Done Fighting? is an essential toolkit for activists, community and peace groups, and students and instructors working to build dialogue, understanding, and peace as the antidote to the politics of hate and division.
- GenresPoliticsNonfiction
327 pages, Paperback
Published May 28, 2019
14 people are currently reading
119 people want to read
About the author
Matthew Legge
1 book2 followersMatthew Legge has worked in the areas of effective communication, human rights promotion, and conflict transformation since 2006. He’s supported locally-led peace initiatives in North America, Latin America, the Caribbean, Africa, the Middle East, and Asia.
Since 2012, Matthew has worked for Canadian Friends Service Committee (CFSC), the peace and social justice agency of Quakers in Canada. In this role he promotes active listening skills through leading conflict de-escalation and difficult conversation workshops.
Drawing on findings from a range of fields including political science, anthropology, neuroscience, social psychology, and peace and conflict studies, he writes the popular blog Are We Done Fighting? for Psychology Today.
Since 2012, Matthew has worked for Canadian Friends Service Committee (CFSC), the peace and social justice agency of Quakers in Canada. In this role he promotes active listening skills through leading conflict de-escalation and difficult conversation workshops.
Drawing on findings from a range of fields including political science, anthropology, neuroscience, social psychology, and peace and conflict studies, he writes the popular blog Are We Done Fighting? for Psychology Today.
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
August 17, 2020
Are We Done Fighting is a different kind of book about peace. It shows us peace in all its dimensions—inner, interpersonal, structural—and provides us with a guide for actually building it. Like...in real life. It takes you by the hand, bridging the gap between the theoretical and the practical, and gives you step-by-step instructions to practice what you learn. I want to say this book is especially relevant right now, to our situation with protests and police violence, but is there really a time when it isn’t relevant somewhere?
When people talk about peace, they tend to talk about the end results. “What the world needs is [insert your perceived solution to the problem here].” This book starts instead at the beginning—with human beings and a look at our needs and motivations and the factors that influence our beliefs and decisions. It’s a holistic look at the problem, addressing root causes rather than only treating symptoms.
Each chapter gives the full chapter text, a summary of the main points, sometimes a longer example, and always one or more activities designed to allow you to practice the principles in the chapter. If you want to stop talking about peace and start doing something, this is your book.
Common Quaker principles are woven into the text in a way that is accessible for people who are not Quaker or interested in spirituality or religion. It reads like a book written for a broad audience rather than one written for a Quaker audience, and I’m glad for this. Quakerism (in my absolutely biased opinion) doesn’t get enough airtime in the non-Quaker realm.
I love when an author uses research and footnotes to back up their points (sometimes I like to check out their references), and this book does not disappoint. However, the author offers a rather confusing disclaimer at the beginning: “The studies referenced in this book have their limitations...in some cases studies may have been conducted sloppily or even fraudulently.” I am not sure if the author means that he knows he included some questionable studies in the book or that it’s possible he included them without knowing it.
This leads me to my one real criticism of the book—the author hedges so often that he doesn’t come off as confident about the points he makes. This book has 42 pages of citations, and the author has direct professional experience with the subject. I trust that he knows what he’s talking about. Peppering sentences with words like seems to, typically, sort of, so often, might, and can seem isn’t necessary. I am in no danger of forgetting that I can disagree with any point. I want an author to convey his ideas to me in powerful and concise language, even if he’s wrong.
Overall, the book is a great tool for anyone interested in both learning about and practicing peace building.
Many thanks to the Canadian Friends Service Committee for providing a review copy of this book.
When people talk about peace, they tend to talk about the end results. “What the world needs is [insert your perceived solution to the problem here].” This book starts instead at the beginning—with human beings and a look at our needs and motivations and the factors that influence our beliefs and decisions. It’s a holistic look at the problem, addressing root causes rather than only treating symptoms.
Each chapter gives the full chapter text, a summary of the main points, sometimes a longer example, and always one or more activities designed to allow you to practice the principles in the chapter. If you want to stop talking about peace and start doing something, this is your book.
Common Quaker principles are woven into the text in a way that is accessible for people who are not Quaker or interested in spirituality or religion. It reads like a book written for a broad audience rather than one written for a Quaker audience, and I’m glad for this. Quakerism (in my absolutely biased opinion) doesn’t get enough airtime in the non-Quaker realm.
I love when an author uses research and footnotes to back up their points (sometimes I like to check out their references), and this book does not disappoint. However, the author offers a rather confusing disclaimer at the beginning: “The studies referenced in this book have their limitations...in some cases studies may have been conducted sloppily or even fraudulently.” I am not sure if the author means that he knows he included some questionable studies in the book or that it’s possible he included them without knowing it.
This leads me to my one real criticism of the book—the author hedges so often that he doesn’t come off as confident about the points he makes. This book has 42 pages of citations, and the author has direct professional experience with the subject. I trust that he knows what he’s talking about. Peppering sentences with words like seems to, typically, sort of, so often, might, and can seem isn’t necessary. I am in no danger of forgetting that I can disagree with any point. I want an author to convey his ideas to me in powerful and concise language, even if he’s wrong.
Overall, the book is a great tool for anyone interested in both learning about and practicing peace building.
Many thanks to the Canadian Friends Service Committee for providing a review copy of this book.
January 14, 2020
When I was teaching at the university, I had the opportunity to teach courses on social activism. if I get the opportunity to teach a course like that again, I will definitely include Matthew Legge's book, Are We Done Fighting. While the focus is specifically on peacebuilding, much of what Legge has to say applies to social justice activists and peacebuilders across the board. He begins by asking the question "What Peace is Not." By focusing on the negative of peace, he helps the reader see that peace (like justice) is multifaceted, complex and engages the social, political, interpersonal, and intrapersonal dimensions often all at the same time.
He addresses several skills needed in peacebuilding: change management, communications, conflict management mediation and more. In each chapter, there are concrete examples applying the principles, so that the readers get a broad view but also the street-level perspective. The book is designed to be used in groups, in educational settings, and for personal use. For anyone interested in working for social and cultural change, especially in the realm of peace, this is a practical book with many helpful insights and usable tools.
He addresses several skills needed in peacebuilding: change management, communications, conflict management mediation and more. In each chapter, there are concrete examples applying the principles, so that the readers get a broad view but also the street-level perspective. The book is designed to be used in groups, in educational settings, and for personal use. For anyone interested in working for social and cultural change, especially in the realm of peace, this is a practical book with many helpful insights and usable tools.
February 23, 2020
This book is a great resource, one US readers may be in urgent need of at the moment. It is very readable and offers a lot of important insights and practical guidance for peace-building. Highly recommended!
I have to admit I read it pretty slowly, because even though the book is quite positive, I couldn't help thinking about the terrible situation we find ourselves in, so I would read a chapter and set it aside. (The chapters are short, by the way, so if you like to read a bit at a time, this is a good book for you.) The book is really a good antidote to the depression you might feel when you look at the news, as it gives you tons of helpful ways to not feel helpless or hopeless. And right now, we cannot afford to feel helpless or hopeless.
Full disclosure: I was invited to read the book because I know and admire the foreword author, George Lakey (whose books are also very much worth reading). A new reason to be glad I know George, since I am really glad I read this book, and would not have been likely to find it on my own.
I have to admit I read it pretty slowly, because even though the book is quite positive, I couldn't help thinking about the terrible situation we find ourselves in, so I would read a chapter and set it aside. (The chapters are short, by the way, so if you like to read a bit at a time, this is a good book for you.) The book is really a good antidote to the depression you might feel when you look at the news, as it gives you tons of helpful ways to not feel helpless or hopeless. And right now, we cannot afford to feel helpless or hopeless.
Full disclosure: I was invited to read the book because I know and admire the foreword author, George Lakey (whose books are also very much worth reading). A new reason to be glad I know George, since I am really glad I read this book, and would not have been likely to find it on my own.
November 16, 2019
This book is unique because it not only gives the reader well-founded evidence-based research with hundreds of citations, it is also designed for action whether reading it on your own or using it in facilitated study groups that are seeking a more peaceful world. Within each chapter, there are powerful, well-tested activities which offer chances for reflection and change to enhance our inner peace and interpersonal peace.
May 27, 2020
I'm a professor of sociology (member of Heterodox academy) who teaches and writes about criminal justice in the US, I also worked in nonprofits dedicated to death penalty abolition. When I was offered the chance to review this book I was happy to do so, as it speaks so much to my work, but also to the downright hostile, toxic, tinderkeg milieu we find ourselves in, in the United States right now. There is so much hate, it seeps into your soul. The title "are we done fighting" feels perfect because yes, many of us are tired, we want to see the humanity in others, we want to build bridges, but even THAT right now is something that can be criticized.
I think this book has a lot to offer many individuals and organizations. The format is meant for a workshop format over several weeks, as each chapter has exercises to perform in groups and is written in a kind of punchy "this is your discussion for the week" format. The types of discord addressed are not merely international (in fact, the bulk of the book leaves out discussions or wars or large scale violence/discord), but primarily focused on the interpersonal, and even personal discord. It could be as readily used as a tool for couples as in a classroom, workplace, as at a more state or city level. The repetition of points at the end of each chapter is a bit redundant if you're, like me, reading it by oneself.
The tone is very likeable/conversational, almost like having a coach guide you through the process. A lot of the book is concerned with using social science research (some of it picked a little randomly and without inquiring into replicability) to debunk our commonly held beliefs about the intransigience of belief/character, and to assert the role of perception (faulty or otherwise), emotion, and thus encourage reframing our thought process away from the simple us/them binary thinking that dominates the landscape right now. It doesn't let wrongdoing of the past or present "off the hook," but also doesn't let simple demonization/Manichean thinking be the solution.
I really enjoyed the book and it made me very desirous of seeing groups form deliberately seeking those who have different politics and viewpoints to try to reduce polarization, to engage in peacemaking (as he says, defined differentially). I'd love to run one myself in universities. It made me sad to think this is something that will not find widespread support. I appreciate the authors' efforts through this work.
I think this book has a lot to offer many individuals and organizations. The format is meant for a workshop format over several weeks, as each chapter has exercises to perform in groups and is written in a kind of punchy "this is your discussion for the week" format. The types of discord addressed are not merely international (in fact, the bulk of the book leaves out discussions or wars or large scale violence/discord), but primarily focused on the interpersonal, and even personal discord. It could be as readily used as a tool for couples as in a classroom, workplace, as at a more state or city level. The repetition of points at the end of each chapter is a bit redundant if you're, like me, reading it by oneself.
The tone is very likeable/conversational, almost like having a coach guide you through the process. A lot of the book is concerned with using social science research (some of it picked a little randomly and without inquiring into replicability) to debunk our commonly held beliefs about the intransigience of belief/character, and to assert the role of perception (faulty or otherwise), emotion, and thus encourage reframing our thought process away from the simple us/them binary thinking that dominates the landscape right now. It doesn't let wrongdoing of the past or present "off the hook," but also doesn't let simple demonization/Manichean thinking be the solution.
I really enjoyed the book and it made me very desirous of seeing groups form deliberately seeking those who have different politics and viewpoints to try to reduce polarization, to engage in peacemaking (as he says, defined differentially). I'd love to run one myself in universities. It made me sad to think this is something that will not find widespread support. I appreciate the authors' efforts through this work.
March 29, 2020
Three things stand out in this book: we've got to communicate better, as human beings we learn a lot of things and hate, anger, biases, prejudices are part of the things we learn and can unlearn as well, and finally- to create and continue living in peace, we've got to put in the work.
I love the format of this book, especially the tips to be learned at the end of each chapter and the group activities. This book right here is an action-oriented read and the author draws from lots of examples, occurrences and case studies all over the world to share insights on human interaction and conflict. It's a great resource for schools, groups, communities and an even much better training tool for Facilitators.
What the author shares, or the skills he proposes herein are not new- rather his approach, the step by step guide through this book key in the activity sessions is what is refreshing. He comes from the point of view that it can be done, that we can understand each other amidst the hate, fake news and division in the world- but only if we put in the work, if we are willing to check ourselves, to take a step back and evaluate our emotions and our actions as well.
This book and the implementation and success of most of what is shared herein, lies in the ability to communicate and though this is key and a fundamental aspect of humanity- I'd be interested in taking this beyond words and into actions, for people who are deaf, blind, mute-who may have experienced violence and need healing as well.
So, I'm glad I got to read this there's a quote that opens up Chapter 2 in the book that spoke to me and I'll share it:
As long as you cannot face yourself and love even those ugly parts, I will be left with the work of trying to love what you cannot bear to Witness.
To the publishing and marketing team (especially Keira) thanks for reaching out and providing me with a copy of this book, I'm challenged to explore my understanding and interaction to enhance peace.
I love the format of this book, especially the tips to be learned at the end of each chapter and the group activities. This book right here is an action-oriented read and the author draws from lots of examples, occurrences and case studies all over the world to share insights on human interaction and conflict. It's a great resource for schools, groups, communities and an even much better training tool for Facilitators.
What the author shares, or the skills he proposes herein are not new- rather his approach, the step by step guide through this book key in the activity sessions is what is refreshing. He comes from the point of view that it can be done, that we can understand each other amidst the hate, fake news and division in the world- but only if we put in the work, if we are willing to check ourselves, to take a step back and evaluate our emotions and our actions as well.
This book and the implementation and success of most of what is shared herein, lies in the ability to communicate and though this is key and a fundamental aspect of humanity- I'd be interested in taking this beyond words and into actions, for people who are deaf, blind, mute-who may have experienced violence and need healing as well.
So, I'm glad I got to read this there's a quote that opens up Chapter 2 in the book that spoke to me and I'll share it:
As long as you cannot face yourself and love even those ugly parts, I will be left with the work of trying to love what you cannot bear to Witness.
To the publishing and marketing team (especially Keira) thanks for reaching out and providing me with a copy of this book, I'm challenged to explore my understanding and interaction to enhance peace.
January 18, 2020
This was a fascinating read! Contrary to the dry scholarly research by purely theoretical academicians, this work presents an innovative approach to peacebuilding; a bridge between conflict theory and practical application.
I appreciated that the author doesn’t assume disputants are operating on a reasonable/rational basis with issues which can be readily solved through education or passive cross-cultural exposure. Rather, he equips readers with the tools to effectively combat structural and perceptual violence by using “power with” or co-power strategies. The citations in support of the writer's findings were very interesting; I found myself reading most of the articles and journals he referenced. Also, I enjoyed the concise summations and practical applications featured at the end of each section.
Thank you Canadian Friends Service Committee for a free copy in exchange for an honest opinion.
I appreciated that the author doesn’t assume disputants are operating on a reasonable/rational basis with issues which can be readily solved through education or passive cross-cultural exposure. Rather, he equips readers with the tools to effectively combat structural and perceptual violence by using “power with” or co-power strategies. The citations in support of the writer's findings were very interesting; I found myself reading most of the articles and journals he referenced. Also, I enjoyed the concise summations and practical applications featured at the end of each section.
Thank you Canadian Friends Service Committee for a free copy in exchange for an honest opinion.
May 29, 2020
Are We Done Fighting by Matthew Legge uses latest research, inspirational stories and practical activities in order to combat fear and aggression in its fight against the politics of hate. The book uses findings from neuroscience, social psychology and behavioural economics to show how we can live in greater harmony and safety. We have to learn to communicate better. As we grow up, we pile up anger, biases and prejudices as a part of our mental make-up.
The book shows:
the different styles of conflict
Cognitive biases that explain polarized positions
Practical methods for changing our own and other people's minds
When punishment works and doesn't
How to build discipline in children
The way of self-compassion and ways to reduce prejudice
The book shows:
the different styles of conflict
Cognitive biases that explain polarized positions
Practical methods for changing our own and other people's minds
When punishment works and doesn't
How to build discipline in children
The way of self-compassion and ways to reduce prejudice
October 20, 2021
This book does a unique job of offering evidence, methods and examples for reaching a peaceful relationship with others. The examples range from individuals to seriously conflicted communities.
The cited research is often surprising, not what you think you know about the way people interact. Beliefs about conflict are often not common sense and it's important to learn why.
Two unique things I really like:
one, each chapter ends with a brief summary of the chapter's key points and
two, the book offers discussion questions that makes it easy to facilitate a small group learning about how people can change their communication, sometimes to move from hate to connection.
The cited research is often surprising, not what you think you know about the way people interact. Beliefs about conflict are often not common sense and it's important to learn why.
Two unique things I really like:
one, each chapter ends with a brief summary of the chapter's key points and
two, the book offers discussion questions that makes it easy to facilitate a small group learning about how people can change their communication, sometimes to move from hate to connection.
Read
July 15, 2020"Are we done fighting yet?" By Matthew Legge
Do you wish for a more peaceful world?
Follow Matthew as he leads us though examples of power over other people to power with earth's people.
Catch the peace virus and prevent mob violence.
Activities and questions follow every chapter.
Complete and well-documented.
Also suitable for peace education for all ages.
Claire Adamson, Montreal, Canada.
Read
November 19, 2020Read bits and pieces, but could not just read the whole book. Not sure why. Subjet interests me, but is complex and this seemed too simple? Choosing not to rate as it feels like this is my issue not the books. . . And I was sent this as a freebie to review - first time I could not get 'er done. Been a year so I need to remove this from my reading shelf.
May 1, 2021
This book presents a lot of evidence based research on confronting conflict, violence, hate, otherness in our culture. Legg offers many practical solutions for individuals and groups. A good book for group discussions. A very transformative book that works toward peace and justice in our global society.
January 9, 2020
Challenging, inspiring and encouraging, accessible and directly applicable
June 23, 2021
This book answers both questions ... in addition to "Are we done fighting." Those questions are "Why?" and "How?"
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews